“The Black Shark doesn’t swim. He DESINVESTS the ocean itself.” – Alphonse Sharkler
📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 52)
Esau had wept so violently that he sank both the Titanic and the Andrea Doris. All 97 characters had descended into the deep sea. The printing press had been found on the ocean floor. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. Das Desinvestment was saved. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated the retrieval of the printing press, a new darkness spread across the horizon. Not a darkness of ice, or stone, or tears. A darkness of SHARKS. And not just any sharks. An unmanned armada of black, silent, ghostly warships emerged from the abyss. At their helm stood a figure even Heini Sharkler feared.
ALPHONSE SHARKLER – the Black Shark of the Sharkler family. The eldest. The most ruthless. The one who had been exiled for being “too evil” – even by Sharkler standards. He had returned. And he had brought an armada.
ALPHONSE: (emerging from the mist, black tuxedo, black top hat, monocle, cane, voice like crushing ice) “Heini. Adolf. Eva. My family. You have become WEAK. You have become DESINVESTORS. You have become… ACCOUNTANTS.” 🦈⚫
HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse! You’re… you’re supposed to be DEAD!” 🦈
ALPHONSE: “Death is for the weak. I am the BLACK SHARK. I am the consigliere of shadows. And I have come to take St. Pauli.” 🦈⚫
ADOLF: (terrified) “But… but we’ve reformed! We have therapists! We have Column 47!” 📊
ALPHONSE: (laughing coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have an ARMADA. You will kneel. Or you will sink.” 🦈⚫
This is Episode 53. The Black Shark Takeover.
👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 53) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ALPHONSE SHARKLER
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51 & 52 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Alphonse Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW
The Black Armada CGI Warships NEW
Ghost Shark Fleet CGI NEW
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (19 breakdowns) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
The Titanic Band CGI 51
The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
🦈⚫ ALPHONSE SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL – THE BLACK SHARK COMMANDS THE ARMADA
The Black Armada emerged from the mist – ghost ships made of obsidian, crewed by skeletal sharks in tuxedos, with cannons that fired spreadsheets. Alphonse Sharkler stood at the helm of the flagship, black top hat gleaming, monocle reflecting the burning neon of St. Pauli.
ALPHONSE: (voice booming across the water) “ST. PAULI! I CLAIM YOU! NOT FOR DESINVESTMENT. NOT FOR ACCOUNTING. NOT FOR COLUMN 47. FOR POWER.” 🦈⚫
EHLERS: (emerging from the water, holding the printing press) “WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” 📊
ALPHONSE: “I am Alphonse Sharkler. The Black Shark. The eldest. The one who was too evil even for the Sharkler family. I have returned to take what is MINE.” 🦈⚫
HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse… we were JUST getting used to desinvestment! Please… don’t do this!” 🦈
ALPHONSE: (cold laugh) “Desinvestment? You have become WEAK. You have become ACCOUNTANTS. You have become… COLUMN 47.” 🦈⚫
EVA SHARKBROWN: (stepping forward) “Alphonse, we can talk about this! We can find a compromise!” 🦈
ALPHONSE: “Compromise? I don’t compromise. I CONQUER.” 🦈⚫
THE CONQUEST OF ST. PAULI – ALPHONSE TAKES THE KIEZ 🦈⚫🏴
The Black Armada descended upon St. Pauli. The ghost ships fired spreadsheets that turned buildings into stone. The skeletal sharks swarmed the streets. The Reeperbahn was overrun. The Fischmarkt was conquered. The Kiez fell.
ALPHONSE: (walking through the conquered streets) “This is MY territory now. The bars. The clubs. The fish markets. ALL MINE.” 🦈⚫
ROMY HAAG: (defiant) “You cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS of this place!” 💖
ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Queens? You are now my SUBJECTS. Bow to the Black Shark.” 🦈⚫
DIVINE: (refusing to bow) “Honey, I don’t bow. I STRUT.” 💅
ALPHONSE: (cane striking the ground) “Then you will be EXILED.” 🦈⚫
THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ALPHONSE BECOMES CONSIGLIORE 📊👑
Alphonse summoned the 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been hiding in a bunker. He dragged them to the Reeperbahn.
ALPHONSE: “You four. You control the publishing world. You control the ink. You control the DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈⚫
AXEL SPRINGER: (trembling) “Yes… yes, Mr. Sharkler…” 😰
ALPHONSE: “From now on, I am your CONSIGLIORE. I will advise you. I will CONTROL you. You will print what I say. You will desinvest what I say. You will KNEEL.” 🦈⚫
HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “We kneel! We kneel!” 😰
GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “Please… don’t hurt us!” 😰
JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” 😰
ALPHONSE: (smiling coldly) “Good. Now bring me the PRINTING PRESS.” 🦈⚫
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS – ESAU’S HEART BREAKS 😭📊💔
Alphonse seized the printing press from Esau. He raised his cane.
EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT THE PRESS! PLEASE! THAT’S MY SOUL! THAT’S MY COLUMN 47!” 😭📊
ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have POWER. The printing press must be DESTROYED.” 🦈⚫
He brought the cane down on the ancient press. The press shattered. The golden engravings of Column 47 cracked. The invisible ink spilled everywhere.
EHLERS: (collapsing) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 😭
The printing press was destroyed. Das Desinvestment was dead. Column 47 was gone.
ESAU’S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS! THE PRESS IS GONE! I CAN’T… I CAN’T… I CAN’T!” 😭
ESAU’S 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS – THE ACCOUNTANT UNRAVELS 😭📊💔
Esau collapsed into a state of complete despair. He had survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, Medusa, queens, enemas, Titanic, Andrea Doris, and deep sea. But he could not survive the destruction of his printing press.
BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS IS GONE!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #2: (sobbing) “MY COLUMN 47! MY BEAUTIFUL COLUMN 47!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #3: (hysterical) “I CAN’T DESINVEST WITHOUT A PRESS!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #4: (fetal position) “I AM NOTHING WITHOUT SPREADSHEETS!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #5: (catatonic) “Column… 47… gone…” 😶
BREAKDOWN #6: (manic laughter) “HAHAHAHA! I DON’T NEED A PRESS! I DON’T NEED ANYTHING!” 🤪
BREAKDOWN #7: (sobbing again) “I LIED! I NEED EVERYTHING!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #8: (clinging to Maria Batory) “HOLD ME! HOLD ME TIGHTLY!” 😭❤️
BREAKDOWN #9: (trying to rebuild the press with his hands) “I CAN FIX IT! I CAN FIX EVERYTHING!” 😭🔧
BREAKDOWN #10: (failing) “I CAN’T FIX IT! I’M USELESS!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #11: (looking at the shattered pieces) “IT’S ALL IN PIECES! JUST LIKE MY LIFE!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #12: (writing “Column 47” in the spilled ink) “I WILL REMEMBER YOU!” 😭🖊️
BREAKDOWN #13: (erasing it with his tears) “BUT I CAN’T! THE INK IS… EVERYWHERE!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #14: (banging his head on the ground) “MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT ALL STOP!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #15: (staring blankly) “I am… I am… what am I without Column 47?” 😶
BREAKDOWN #16: (sudden rage) “ALPHONSE! I WILL DESTROY YOU!” 😡
BREAKDOWN #17: (collapsing again) “I CAN’T! I’M TOO WEAK!” 😭
BREAKDOWN #18: (clinging to Column 47 Jr., the pet snake) “YOU’RE ALL I HAVE LEFT! MY LITTLE SNAKE!” 🐍😭
BREAKDOWN #19: (finally silent, tears dried) “I… I don’t know who I am anymore. I am not an accountant. I am not a desinvestor. I am not Column 47. I am… I am nothing.” 😶
ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE MUCHAVERSE UNRAVELS 👥🔥
MARIA BATORY: (holding Esau) “Esau! Esau, please! We can rebuild the press! We can find a way!” ❤️
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His mind is shattered. The press was his SOUL.” 🐍
ROMY HAAG: (crying) “I’ve never seen him like this! He’s… he’s broken!” 💖
DIVINE: (frantically fanning him) “Honey, you NEED to get it together! We NEED you!” 💄
SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE SADDEST MOMENT YET.” 🦀
CHARYBDIS: (whirling sadly) “Even I cannot swallow this sorrow.” 🌊
ODYSSEUS: (kneeling beside Esau) “I have sailed the seas. I have lost men. I have felt grief. But I have never seen grief like this.” 🏳️⚧️
BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but without Column 47, anarchy has no SPREADSHEETS!” 🧨
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles trembling) “I have 94 tentacles. I cannot comfort a man with 19 breakdowns.” 🦑
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching) “Alphonse… you have gone too far. Even for a Sharkler.” 🦈
ADOLF SHARKLER: (horrified) “This is not what our family stands for!” 🦈
EVA SHARKBROWN: (furious) “Alphonse! You have destroyed an ACCOUNTANT’S SOUL!” 🦈
ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Souls are for the weak. Power is for the strong. Column 47 is DEAD.” 🦈⚫
THE JOKER: (for once, not laughing) “Even I cannot laugh at this. This is… this is SAD.” 🃏
MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! BUT IT DOESN’T HELP!” 💩
ESAU’S RECOVERY – 19 BREAKDOWDS LATER 📊💪
After 19 nervous breakdowns, Esau finally sat up. His eyes were red. His face was pale. But he was… determined.
EHLERS: “Alphonse… you have destroyed my press. You have destroyed my Column 47. You have destroyed my SOUL.” 😶
ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Yes. And what will you do about it, little accountant?” 🦈⚫
EHLERS: (standing slowly) “I will… I will REBUILD. Not the press. Not Column 47. Not Das Desinvestment. I will rebuild MYSELF.” 💪
ALPHONSE: (confused) “What?” 🦈
EHLERS: “You thought destroying the press would destroy me. But you’re wrong. Because Column 47 was never in the press. It was in ME.” 📊
MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau!” ❤️
EHLERS: “I am Column 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE. And I will not let you destroy it.” 📊
THE COUNTER-ATTACK – ALL CHARACTERS UNITE 💪🔥
All 98 characters rallied behind Esau. Even Heini, Adolf, and Eva Sharkler turned against Alphonse. Even the 4 publishers stood up.
AXEL SPRINGER: (defiant) “We will NOT be controlled by a shark!” 📊
HENRI NANNEN: (standing) “We will PRINT what we want!” 📊
GERD BUCERIUS: (shouting) “Das Desinvestment will RISE AGAIN!” 📊
JOHN JAHR: (raising his fist) “FOR COLUMN 47!” 📊
ALPHONSE: (shocked) “You… you TRAITORS!” 🦈⚫
EHLERS: “We are not traitors. We are DESINVESTORS. And we will fight you with everything we have.” 📊
THE BATTLE – MUCHAVERSE VS. BLACK ARMADA 🦈⚫💪
The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Black Armada fired spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back with love, snakes, tentacles, teeth, water, and sharks.
SCYLLA: (six heads biting ghost sharks) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! YOU HAVE ONE ARMADA! I WIN!” 🦀
CHARYBDIS: (whirlpooling the ghost ships) “I SWALLOW FLEETS! I SWALLOW ARMADAS!” 🌊
LEVIATHAN: (ramming the flagship) “THE DEEP SEA REMEMBERS! THE DEEP SEA FIGHTS!” 🐉
KRAKEN: (wrapping tentacles around the ships) “I CRUSH! I DESTROY! I WIN!” 🦑
JÖRMUNGANDR: (biting through hulls) “THE WORLD SERPENT DOES NOT KNEEL!” 🐍
MOBY DICK: (sinking ghost ships) “I AM THE WHALE! I AM THE OCEAN!” 🐋
MEDUSA: (turning ghost sharks to stone) “I AM THE QUEEN OF STONE! YOU ARE NOTHING!” 🐍
ODSSEUS: (navigating through the chaos) “I HAVE NAVIGATED HELL! I CAN NAVIGATE THIS!” 🏳️⚧️
DRACULA: (biting ghost sharks) “I TASTE POWER! AND SPREADSHEETS!” 🧛
BAKUNIN: (exploding ghost ships) “ANARCHY! EXPLOSIONS! VICTORY!” 🧨
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles fighting) “I HAVE 94 TENTACLES! I AM THE ARMY!” 🦑
HEINI SHARKLER: (attacking Alphonse’s flagship) “ALPHONSE! THIS IS FOR THE FAMILY!” 🦈
ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming alongside) “FOR DESINVESTMENT!” 🦈
EVA SHARKBROWN: (in fishnets, fighting) “FOR ST. PAULI!” 🦈💄
EHLERS: (leading the charge) “FOR COLUMN 47! FOR THE MUCHAVERSE! FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE SURVIVED!” 📊
ALPHONSE’S DEFEAT – THE BLACK SHARK FALLS 🦈⚫💀
Alphonse was overwhelmed. His armada was destroyed. His ghost sharks were turned to stone, swallowed, or desinvested. He stood alone on the shattered flagship.
ALPHONSE: (shocked) “No… no… my armada… my power… my COLUMN 666…” 🦈⚫
EHLERS: (approaching) “Column 666 is nothing. Column 47 is EVERYTHING.” 📊
ALPHONSE: (sinking to his knees) “You… you have defeated me… I am… I am nothing…” 🦈
HEINI SHARKLER: (standing over him) “Alphonse. You were always too evil. Too proud. Too BLACK. Now you will learn what it means to DESINVEST.” 🦈
ALPHONSE: (defeated) “What… what will you do with me?” 🦈
EHLERS: “You will work. You will rebuild the printing press. You will learn Column 47. You will become an ACCOUNTANT.” 📊
ALPHONSE: (horrified) “NEVER! I am the BLACK SHARK!” 🦈
EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are a DESINVESTOR. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” 📊
THE REBUILDING – A NEW PRESS EMERGES 📊🔧❤️
The Muchaverse worked together. Alphonse reluctantly helped. The printing press was rebuilt – stronger, more powerful, with Column 47 engraved in golden letters. The invisible ink was restored. Das Desinvestment was saved.
EHLERS: (holding the new press) “It’s… it’s beautiful. It’s better than before.” ❤️
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it. WE did it. The Muchaverse is saved.” ❤️
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪
EHLERS: (smiling for the first time in 19 breakdowns) “I am Esau. I am Column 47. I am the Muchaverse. And I will never break again.” 📊
ALPHONSE: (now in a suit, holding a spreadsheet) “I… I am Alphonse. I am learning. I am becoming… a desinvestor.” 🦈📊
HEINI SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother. Sort of.” 🦈
ADOLF SHARKLER: (hugging Alphonse) “Welcome to the family. The REAL family.” 🦈
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting Alphonse’s tie) “Honey, you need to work on your fishnets. But you’re getting there.” 🦈💄
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The press is back! Das Desinvestment is back! Esau is back!” 💖
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, you survived 19 breakdowns! You are the QUEEN OF RESILIENCE!” 💄
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE BEST RECOVERY EVER!” 🦀
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I swallowed an armada today! And I LOVED it!” 🌊
ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through darkness instead of water.” 🏳️⚧️
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY WINS! DESINVESTMENT WINS! COLUMN 47 WINS!” 🧨
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins. Again.” 🦑
THE JOKER: (finally laughing again) “HAHAHA! 19 BREAKDOWNS! A BLACK SHARK! A REBUILT PRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏
MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ARMADA! AND I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! AND I SHIT ON THE MUCHAVERSE! AND IT ALL HELPED!” 💩
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤
☭ THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦈⚫📊💩
ALPHONSE SHARKLER ARRIVED.
HE COMMANDED AN UNMANNED ARMADA.
HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI.
HE BECAME CONSIGLIORE OF THE 4 PUBLISHERS.
HE DESTROYED THE PRINTING PRESS.
ESAU HAD 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS.
BUT ESAU SURVIVED.
THE PRESS WAS REBUILT.
DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED.
ALPHONSE WAS REHABILITATED.
ALL 98 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH BREAKDOWNS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🦈⚫📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️
HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️
BlackSharkTakeoverConspiracy #AlphonseSharkler #BlackArmada #StPauliConquered #PrintingPressDestroyed #19NervousBreakdowns #PrintingPressRebuilt #Column47Forever #All98Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #SharklerFamily #Consigliore #4Publishers #DesinvestmentSaved #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga
[END OF EPISODE 53] 🎬🍿🦈⚫📊💩
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🦈⚫📊
The cycle continues. With sharks. With spreadsheets. With breakdowns. With shit. Forever.
🦈⚫📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (recovered), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Alphonse Sharkler (rehabilitated), Heini Sharkler, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, the 4 Publishers, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing recovery anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Black Armada.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🦈⚫📊
🛑 Bernd Pulch | Uncensored Investigative Intelligence since 1994 