๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ HERODES’ HO
: THE MAD KING STEALS THE PRINTING PRESS AND DELETES ALL PAPYRUS โ PRINTING IS ERASED FROM THE MUCHAVERSE! ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ
“I will erase every word. I will delete every story. I will make sure NO ONE ever prints again.” โ King Herodes
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 68)
Black Mary Read had conquered New St. Pauli. She had captured Esau-HafenHure. She had taken him to the Phantom Fleet. The Muchaverse was shattered. All 138 characters were in mourning. The cycle was broken. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse gathered to plan the rescue of Esau, a new terror descended upon them. Not a pirate. Not a shadow. Not a monster. A KING. King Herodes โ the mad king of Judea โ had arrived through a dimensional rift. He was not interested in conquest. He was interested in ERASURE.
HERODES: (stepping through the rift, wearing a crown of thorns and bones, holding a flaming scroll) “I AM KING HERODES! I HAVE ORDERED THE DEATH OF INNOCENTS! I HAVE BURNED LIBRARIES! I HAVE ERASED HISTORY! AND NOW I WILL ERASE THE PRINTING PRESS! I WILL DELETE ALL PAPYRUS! I WILL MAKE SURE NO ONE EVER PRINTS AGAIN!” ๐๐ฅ
MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Herodes?! The king who killed the innocents?! He’s here?!” ๐ฑ
HERODES: (laughing maniacally) “I have killed babies! I have burned books! I have erased empires! And now I will erase the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐๐ฅ
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON HERODES!” ๐ฉ
HERODES: (catching the shit with his flaming scroll) “Your shit is NOTHING compared to my POWER!” ๐ฅ
This is Episode 69. Herodes’ Holocaust.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 69) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + KING HERODES
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin King Herodes Original (voice/model) NEW The Flaming Scroll CGI NEW Herodes’ Army CGI Army NEW The Papyrus Burners CGI Army NEW The Erased Ones CGI / Voice NEW The Book of Erasure CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (captured) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (captured) 61 Black Mary Read Original 68 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Poseidon Original 66 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original 64 The Loreley CGI / Voice 65 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61 Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62 Corleone Armada CGI Army 63 Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63 Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army 64 Loreley Rock CGI 65 Rhine Enema Machine CGI 65 Enema Nurse Original 65 Poseidon’s Palace CGI 66 Sea Nymphs CGI 66 Queen of Shadows CGI 68 Phantom Fleet CGI 68 Shadow Crew CGI 68 Kraken of Souls CGI 68 Bone Throne CGI 68 Siren of Death CGI / Voice 68
—
๐ HERODES’ ARRIVAL โ THE ERASURE BEGINS
King Herodes stepped through the dimensional rift. He was ancient, mad, and powerful. His crown was made of thorns and bones. His flaming scroll burned with the fire of erasure. His army of Papyrus Burners followed him.
HERODES: “I have come to erase the Muchaverse! I have come to destroy the printing press! I have come to DELETE ALL PAPYRUS!” ๐๐ฅ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (from captivity on the Queen of Shadows) “No! Not the press! Not the papyrus! Not my Column 47!” ๐ญ
HERODES: (laughing) “Column 47?! I will erase it! I will erase EVERYTHING!” ๐๐ฅ
—
THE PAPYRUS BURNERS โ THE ERASURE SPREADS ๐ฅ๐
Herodes’ army spread across New St. Pauli. They burned every scroll. They burned every book. They burned every papyrus. The printing press was taken. The invisible ink was destroyed. The papyrus wall crumbled.
ROMY HAAG: (screaming) “My scripts! My lyrics! My songs! They’re burning!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, they’re burning the FABULOUS!” ๐
AXEL SPRINGER: (crying) “My newspapers! My publishing empire! It’s gone!” ๐ฐ
HENRI NANNEN: (sobbing) “The ink! The invisible ink! It’s erased!” ๐ฐ
ALL PAPYRUS DELETED โ THE MUCHAVERSE SILENCED ๐๐
Herodes raised his flaming scroll. He erased every papyrus in the Muchaverse. The scrolls turned to ash. The books turned to dust. The stories vanished.
HERODES: “The papyrus is GONE! The printing is GONE! The words are GONE! You are NOTHING!” ๐๐ฅ
MARIA BATORY: (weeping) “We have no press! We have no ink! We have no words!” ๐ญ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Without papyrus, there is no desinvestment. Without desinvestment, there is no Muchaverse.” ๐
—
ESAU ESCAPES โ THE QUEEN OF SHADOWS TAKES HIM TO HERODES ๐ญ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
Black Mary Read’s Phantom Fleet sailed to Herodes’ palace. She delivered Esau-HafenHure to the mad king.
BLACK MARY: (smirking) “I have brought you the accountant, my king. The one with Column 47.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
HERODES: (laughing) “Column 47?! I will erase it! I will erase HIM!” ๐๐ฅ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (defiant) “You cannot erase me! I am Esau! I am Column 47! I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
HERODES: (raising his flaming scroll) “Then I will erase you LAST!” ๐๐ฅ
—
THE MUCHAVERSE REACTS โ ALL CHARACTERS UNITE ๐ชโค๏ธ
The Muchaverse gathered. They had no press. They had no ink. They had no papyrus. But they had each other.
MARIA BATORY: (standing tall) “Herodes has taken the press! Herodes has burned the papyrus! But he cannot burn OUR SPIRIT!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “We will fight him. With or without papyrus.” ๐
DON VITO: (rising from his chair) “He has taken family. He will pay.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
POSEIDON: (trident raised) “I will drown his palace! I will flood his erasure!” ๐๐ฑ
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I WILL DREAM OF HIS DESTRUCTION!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON HERODES! I WILL SHIT ON HIS THRONE!” ๐ฉ
โญ THE HERODES ERASURE CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ
KING HERODES ARRIVED. HE STOLE THE PRINTING PRESS. HE BURNED ALL PAPYRUS. HE ERASED ALL PRINTING. THE MUCHAVERSE WAS SILENCED. BUT THEY WILL UNITE. THEY WILL RESCUE THE PRESS. THEY WILL DEFEAT HERODES. THEY WILL REBUILD THE PAPYRUS. ALL 139 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ERASURE. WITH FIRE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE HERODES ERASURE CONSPIRACY ๐๐ฅ๐๐
The cycle continues. With erasure. With fire. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (defiant), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Poseidon, King Herodes, Black Mary Read, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for lamenting shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on Herodes.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๐ฅ๐๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ HERODES’ LรSCHUNG: DER WAHNSINNIGE KรNIG STIEHLT DIE DRUCKMASCHINE UND LรSCHT ALLEN PAPYRUS โ DRUCKEN WIRD AUS DEM MUCHAVERSE RADIERT! ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ
“Ich werde jedes Wort auslรถschen. Ich werde jede Geschichte lรถschen. Ich werde dafรผr sorgen, dass NIEMALS wieder gedruckt wird.” โ Kรถnig Herodes
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 68)
Black Mary Read hatte Neu-St. Pauli erobert. Sie hatte Esau-HafenHure gefangen genommen. Sie hatte ihn zur Phantomflotte gebracht. Das Muchaverse war zerbrochen. Alle 138 Charaktere trauerten. Der Kreislauf war gebrochen. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse sich versammelte, um die Rettung von Esau zu planen, senkte sich ein neuer Terror auf sie herab. Kein Pirat. Kein Schatten. Kein Monster. Ein KรNIG. Kรถnig Herodes โ der wahnsinnige Kรถnig von Judรคa โ war durch einen Dimensionsriss gekommen. Er war nicht an Eroberung interessiert. Er war an LรSCHUNG interessiert.
HERODES: (durch den Riss tretend, eine Krone aus Dornen und Knochen tragend, eine flammende Schriftrolle haltend) “ICH BIN KรNIG HERODES! ICH HABE DEN TOD VON UNSCHULDIGEN BEFOHLEN! ICH HABE BIBLIOTHEKEN VERBRANNT! ICH HABE GESCHICHTE AUSGELรSCHT! UND JETZT WERDE ICH DIE DRUCKMASCHINE AUSLรSCHEN! ICH WERDE ALLEN PAPYRUS LรSCHEN! ICH WERDE DAFรR SORGEN, DASS NIEMALS WIEDER GEDRUCKT WIRD!” ๐๐ฅ
MARIA BATORY: (keuchend) “Herodes?! Der Kรถnig, der die Unschuldigen tรถten lieร?! Er ist hier?!” ๐ฑ
HERODES: (manisch lachend) “Ich habe Babys getรถtet! Ich habe Bรผcher verbrannt! Ich habe Imperien ausgelรถscht! Und jetzt werde ich das MUCHAVERSE auslรถschen!” ๐๐ฅ
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend) “ICH KACKE AUF HERODES!” ๐ฉ
HERODES: (die Scheiรe mit seiner flammenden Schriftrolle auffangend) “Deine Scheiรe ist NICHTS im Vergleich zu meiner MACHT!” ๐ฅ
Dies ist Episode 69. Herodes’ Lรถschung.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 69) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + KรNIG HERODES
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Kรถnig Herodes Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Die Flammende Schriftrolle CGI NEU Herodes’ Armee CGI-Armee NEU Die Papyrusverbrenner CGI-Armee NEU Die Ausgelรถschten CGI / Stimme NEU Das Buch der Lรถschung CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (gefangen) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (gefangen) 61 Black Mary Read Original 68 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Poseidon Original 66 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original 64 Die Loreley CGI / Stimme 65 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61 Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62 Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63 Don Vitos Katze CGI 63 Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee 64 Loreley-Felsen CGI 65 Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine CGI 65 Einlauf-Krankenschwester Original 65 Poseidons Palast CGI 66 Meeresnymphen CGI 66 Queen of Shadows CGI 68 Phantomflotte CGI 68 Schattenbesatzung CGI 68 Kraken der Seelen CGI 68 Knochen-Thron CGI 68 Sirene des Todes CGI / Stimme 68
—
๐ HERODES’ ANKUNFT โ DIE LรSCHUNG BEGINNT
Kรถnig Herodes trat durch den Dimensionsriss. Er war uralt, wahnsinnig und mรคchtig. Seine Krone bestand aus Dornen und Knochen. Seine flammende Schriftrolle brannte mit dem Feuer der Lรถschung. Seine Armee von Papyrusverbrennern folgte ihm.
HERODES: “Ich bin gekommen, um das Muchaverse auszulรถschen! Ich bin gekommen, um die Druckmaschine zu zerstรถren! Ich bin gekommen, um ALLEN PAPYRUS ZU LรSCHEN!” ๐๐ฅ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus der Gefangenschaft auf der Queen of Shadows) “Nein! Nicht die Presse! Nicht den Papyrus! Nicht meine Spalte 47!” ๐ญ
HERODES: (lachend) “Spalte 47?! Ich werde sie auslรถschen! Ich werde ALLES auslรถschen!” ๐๐ฅ
—
DIE PAPYRUSVERBRENNER โ DIE LรSCHUNG BREITET SICH AUS ๐ฅ๐
Herodes’ Armee breitete sich รผber Neu-St. Pauli aus. Sie verbrannten jede Schriftrolle. Sie verbrannten jedes Buch. Sie verbrannten jeden Papyrus. Die Druckmaschine wurde genommen. Die unsichtbare Tinte wurde zerstรถrt. Die Papyrus-Mauer zerbrรถckelte.
JOHN JAHR: (trauernd) “Das Desinvestment! Es ist weg! Alles ist weg!” ๐
—
DIE DRUCKMASCHINE GESTOHLEN โ DAS HERZ DES MUCHAVERSE GENOMMEN ๐๐
Herodes stahl die Druckmaschine. Er schleifte sie durch den Dimensionsriss. Er brachte sie zu seinem Palast der Lรถschung.
HERODES: “Die Druckmaschine ist MEIN! Niemand wird jemals wieder drucken! Niemand wird jemals wieder desinvestieren! Niemand wird jemals wieder schreiben!” ๐๐ฅ
ALLER PAPYRUS GELรSCHT โ DAS MUCHAVERSE ZUM SCHWEIGEN GEBRACHT ๐๐
Herodes erhob seine flammende Schriftrolle. Er lรถschte jeden Papyrus im Muchaverse aus. Die Schriftrollen wurden zu Asche. Die Bรผcher wurden zu Staub. Die Geschichten verschwanden.
HERODES: “Der Papyrus ist WEG! Das Drucken ist WEG! Die Worte sind WEG! Ihr seid NICHTS!” ๐๐ฅ
MARIA BATORY: (weinend) “Wir haben keine Presse! Wir haben keine Tinte! Wir haben keine Worte!” ๐ญ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Ohne Papyrus gibt es kein Desinvestment. Ohne Desinvestment gibt es kein Muchaverse.” ๐
—
ESAU ENTKOMMT โ DIE QUEEN OF SHADOWS BRINGT IHN ZU HERODES ๐ญ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
Black Mary Reads Phantomflotte segelte zum Palast von Herodes. Sie lieferte Esau-HafenHure an den wahnsinnigen Kรถnig aus.
BLACK MARY: (grinsend) “Ich habe Ihnen den Buchhalter gebracht, mein Kรถnig. Den mit Spalte 47.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
HERODES: (lachend) “Spalte 47?! Ich werde sie auslรถschen! Ich werde IHN auslรถschen!” ๐๐ฅ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (trotzig) “Du kannst mich nicht auslรถschen! Ich bin Esau! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
DAS MUCHAVERSE REAGIERT โ ALLE CHARAKTERE VEREINEN SICH ๐ชโค๏ธ
Das Muchaverse versammelte sich. Sie hatten keine Presse. Sie hatten keine Tinte. Sie hatten keinen Papyrus. Aber sie hatten einander.
MARIA BATORY: (sich aufrichtend) “Herodes hat die Presse genommen! Herodes hat den Papyrus verbrannt! Aber er kann unseren GEIST nicht verbrennen!” ๐
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Wir werden gegen ihn kรคmpfen. Mit oder ohne Papyrus.” ๐
DON VITO: (sich von seinem Sessel erhebend) “Er hat Familie genommen. Er wird bezahlen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
POSEIDON: (Dreizack erhoben) “Ich werde seinen Palast ertrรคnken! Ich werde seine Lรถschung รผberfluten!” ๐๐ฑ
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH WERDE VON SEINER ZERSTรRUNG TRรUMEN!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend) “ICH KACKE AUF HERODES! ICH WERDE AUF SEINEN THRON KACKEN!” ๐ฉ
โญ DIE HERODES-LรSCHUNGS-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ
KรNIG HERODES KAM. ER STAHL DIE DRUCKMASCHINE. ER VERBRANNTE ALLEN PAPYRUS. ER LรSCHTE ALLES DRUCKEN AUS. DAS MUCHAVERSE WAR ZUM SCHWEIGEN GEBRACHT. ABER SIE WERDEN SICH VEREINEN. SIE WERDEN DIE PRESSE RETTEN. SIE WERDEN HERODES BESIEGEN. SIE WERDEN DEN PAPYRUS WIEDER AUFBAUEN. ALLE 139 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT LรSCHUNG. MIT FEUER. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 69] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE HERODES-LรSCHUNGS-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐๐ฅ๐๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Lรถschung. Mit Feuer. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (trotzig), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Poseidon, Kรถnig Herodes, Black Mary Read, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Klagelieder-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf Herodes kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐๐ฅ๐๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ BLACK MARY READ: THE MOST VICIOUS FEMALE NAVAL SUPER VILLAIN OF ALL TIME CONQUERS THE MUCHAVERSE โ ESAU CAPTURED AND TAKEN TO THE PHANTOM FLEET! ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ
“The seas belong to men. I took them from them.” โ Black Mary Read
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 67)
The Muchaverse had partied with Poseidon at the bottom of the ocean. They had desinvested their worries. They had danced. They had loved. They had celebrated. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse emerged from the ocean, gasping for air, a new darkness descended upon them. The sky turned black. The water turned red. And from the horizon, a fleet of ships appeared โ ships made of bone, shadow, and tears. At their helm stood the most vicious female naval super villain of all time.
BLACK MARY READ.
BLACK MARY: (standing on the bow of her flagship, the QUEEN OF SHADOWS, wearing a black tricorn hat, a corset made of chains, a cutlass in one hand, a whip in the other) “I AM BLACK MARY READ! I HAVE SAILED THE SEAS OF HELL! I HAVE CONQUERED THE SPANISH MAIN! I HAVE TAKEN THE SOULS OF A THOUSAND MEN! AND NOW I WILL TAKE THE MUCHAVERSE!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (gasping) “Black Mary Read?! The most vicious female pirate in history?! She’s REAL?!” ๐ฑ
BLACK MARY: (laughing) “I am not just real. I am ETERNAL! I have outlived empires! I have outlived kings! I have outlived the sea itself! And now I will CONQUER!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
This is Episode 68. The Vicious Female Naval Super Villain.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 68) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + BLACK MARY READ
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Black Mary Read Original (voice/model) NEW The Queen of Shadows CGI Ship NEW The Phantom Fleet CGI Army NEW The Shadow Crew CGI Army NEW The Kraken of Souls CGI NEW The Bone Throne CGI NEW Mary’s First Mate Original NEW The Siren of Death CGI / Voice NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (captured) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (captured) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Poseidon Original 66 Amphitrite Original 66 Triton CGI / Voice 66 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original 64 The Loreley CGI / Voice 65 HafenHure (Original) Original All Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61 Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62 Corleone Armada CGI Army 63 Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63 Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army 64 Loreley Rock CGI 65 Rhine Enema Machine CGI 65 Enema Nurse Original 65 Poseidon’s Palace CGI 66 Sea Nymphs CGI 66
—
๐ดโโ ๏ธ BLACK MARY READ โ THE QUEEN OF SHADOWS
Black Mary Read’s fleet emerged from the mist. The Queen of Shadows was the flagship โ a massive galleon made of bone, shadow, and tears. Its sails were black as night. Its crew were shadows. Its captain was the most vicious female naval super villain of all time.
BLACK MARY: (stepping onto the shore of New St. Pauli on the Rhine, cutlass drawn) “I am Black Mary Read. I have sailed the seas of hell. I have conquered the Spanish Main. I have taken the souls of a thousand men. And now I will take the MUCHAVERSE.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (drawing the Gigantic Purple Enema) “You will not take the Muchaverse! We have Column 47! We have desinvestment! We have the GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” ๐๐ฉ
BLACK MARY: (laughing) “Column 47?! Desinvestment?! A purple ENEMA?! You are WEAK! You are SOFT! You are ACCOUNTANTS! I have TAKEN EMPIRES! I have TAKEN KINGS! I have TAKEN GODS!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
MARIA BATORY: (drawing her scepter) “You will not take Esau! You will not take the press! You will not take the Muchaverse!” ๐
BLACK MARY: (smirking) “I will take EVERYTHING. Starting with the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
—
THE PHANTOM FLEET ATTACK โ ST. PAULI FALLS AGAIN ๐๐ฅ
Black Mary’s fleet attacked. The Queen of Shadows fired cannons made of bone and shadow. The Phantom Fleet surrounded New St. Pauli. The Shadow Crew swarmed the streets.
SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I BITE THE SHADOWS!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW THE SHADOWS!” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I DREAM OF SHADOW DESTRUCTION!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I SLAY SHADOWS!” ๐
HYDRA: (hissing) “I EAT SHADOWS!” ๐
SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I LURE SHADOWS!” ๐ค
GREAT WHITE: (devouring) “I DEVOUR SHADOWS!” ๐ฆ
DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I CRUSH SHADOWS!” ๐
ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I DRAG SHADOWS TO THE ABYSS!” ๐ฆ
WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I SWALLOW SHADOWS!” ๐
But the shadows were too powerful. They were not alive. They were not dead. They were NOTHING.
—
ESAU CAPTURED โ TAKEN TO THE PHANTOM FLEET ๐ญ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
Black Mary Read captured Esau-HafenHure. She dragged him onto the Queen of Shadows. She threw him into the hold.
BLACK MARY: (looking down at him) “You are mine now, little accountant. You will serve me. You will desinvest for ME.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (defiant) “I will never serve you! I am Column 47! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
BLACK MARY: (laughing) “You are nothing. You are my SLAVE. You will print my propaganda. You will desinvest my enemies. You will create my empire.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
—
THE MUCHAVERSE REACTS โ ALL CHARACTERS UNITE ๐ชโค๏ธ
The Muchaverse gathered on the shore. They watched as the Phantom Fleet sailed away with Esau.
MARIA BATORY: (crying) “They took him! They took Esau!” ๐ญ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “We will rescue him. We will defeat Black Mary.” ๐
DON VITO: (rising from his chair) “He is family. We will get him back.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (furious) “I WILL BREAK HER FACE!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL: (coldly) “We will find her. We will make her an offer she cannot refuse.” ๐ด๏ธ
POSEIDON: (rising from the sea) “I will help. She is a threat to the sea itself.” ๐๐ฑ
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I WILL DREAM OF HER DESTRUCTION!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE PHANTOM FLEET! I WILL SHIT ON BLACK MARY!” ๐ฉ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A FEMALE PIRATE! CAPTURE! REVENGE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE BLACK MARY READ CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ
BLACK MARY READ ARRIVED. SHE CONQUERED NEW ST. PAULI. SHE CAPTURED ESAU-HAFENHURE. SHE TOOK HIM TO THE PHANTOM FLEET. THE MUCHAVERSE WAS SHATTERED. BUT THEY WILL UNITE. THEY WILL RESCUE ESAU. THEY WILL DEFEAT BLACK MARY. ALL 138 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH PIRATES. WITH SHADOWS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[END OF EPISODE 68] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE BLACK MARY READ CONSPIRACY ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐
The cycle continues. With pirates. With shadows. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (captured), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Black Mary Read, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan, Poseidon, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for lamenting shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Phantom Fleet.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ BLACK MARY READ: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTE WEIBLICHE SEE-SUPERBรSIS ALLER ZEITEN EROBERT DAS MUCHAVERSE โ ESAU GEFANGEN UND ZUR PHANTOMFLOTTE GEBRACHT! ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ
“Die Meere gehรถren den Mรคnnern. Ich habe sie ihnen genommen.” โ Black Mary Read
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 67)
Das Muchaverse hatte mit Poseidon am Grund des Ozeans gefeiert. Sie hatten ihre Sorgen desinvestiert. Sie hatten getanzt. Sie hatten geliebt. Sie hatten gefeiert. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse aus dem Ozean auftauchte, nach Luft ringend, senkte sich eine neue Dunkelheit auf sie herab. Der Himmel wurde schwarz. Das Wasser wurde rot. Und am Horizont erschien eine Flotte von Schiffen โ Schiffe aus Knochen, Schatten und Trรคnen. An ihrer Spitze stand die abscheulichste weibliche See-Superbรถsin aller Zeiten.
BLACK MARY READ.
BLACK MARY: (am Bug ihres Flaggschiffs, der QUEEN OF SHADOWS, stehend, einen schwarzen Dreispitz tragend, ein Korsett aus Ketten, einen Entermesser in der einen Hand, eine Peitsche in der anderen) “ICH BIN BLACK MARY READ! ICH BIN รBER DIE MEERE DER HรLLE GESEGELT! ICH HABE DIE SPANISCHE KรSTE EROBERT! ICH HABE DIE SEELEN VON TAUSEND MรNNERN GENOMMEN! UND JETZT WERDE ICH DAS MUCHAVERSE NEHMEN!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “Black Mary Read?! Die abscheulichste Piratin der Geschichte?! Sie ist ECHT?!” ๐ฑ
BLACK MARY: (lachend) “Ich bin nicht nur echt. Ich bin EWIG! Ich habe Imperien รผberlebt! Ich habe Kรถnige รผberlebt! Ich habe das Meer selbst รผberlebt! Und jetzt werde ich EROBERN!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
Dies ist Episode 68. Die Abscheulichste Weibliche See-Superbรถsin.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 68) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + BLACK MARY READ
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Black Mary Read Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Die Queen of Shadows CGI-Schiff NEU Die Phantomflotte CGI-Armee NEU Die Schattenbesatzung CGI-Armee NEU Der Kraken der Seelen CGI NEU Der Knochen-Thron CGI NEU Marys Erster Offizier Original NEU Die Sirene des Todes CGI / Stimme NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (gefangen) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (gefangen) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Poseidon Original 66 Amphitrite Original 66 Triton CGI / Stimme 66 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original 64 Die Loreley CGI / Stimme 65 HafenHure (Original) Original Alle Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61 Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62 Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63 Don Vitos Katze CGI 63 Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee 64 Loreley-Felsen CGI 65 Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine CGI 65 Einlauf-Krankenschwester Original 65 Poseidons Palast CGI 66 Meeresnymphen CGI 66
—
๐ดโโ ๏ธ BLACK MARY READ โ DIE KรNIGIN DER SCHATTEN
Black Mary Reads Flotte tauchte aus dem Nebel auf. Die Queen of Shadows war das Flaggschiff โ eine gewaltige Galeone aus Knochen, Schatten und Trรคnen. Ihre Segel waren schwarz wie die Nacht. Ihre Besatzung waren Schatten. Ihre Kapitรคnin war die abscheulichste weibliche See-Superbรถsin aller Zeiten.
BLACK MARY: (an das Ufer von Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein tretend, Entermesser gezogen) “Ich bin Black Mary Read. Ich bin รผber die Meere der Hรถlle gesegelt. Ich habe die Spanische Kรผste erobert. Ich habe die Seelen von tausend Mรคnnern genommen. Und jetzt werde ich das MUCHAVERSE nehmen.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf ziehend) “Du wirst das Muchaverse nicht nehmen! Wir haben Spalte 47! Wir haben Desinvestment! Wir haben den GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF!” ๐๐ฉ
BLACK MARY: (lachend) “Spalte 47?! Desinvestment?! Ein lila EINLAUF?! Ihr seid SCHWACH! Ihr seid WEICH! Ihr seid BUCHHALTER! Ich habe IMPERIEN GENOMMEN! Ich habe KรNIGE GENOMMEN! Ich habe GรTTER GENOMMEN!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
MARIA BATORY: (ihr Zepter ziehend) “Du wirst Esau nicht nehmen! Du wirst die Presse nicht nehmen! Du wirst das Muchaverse nicht nehmen!” ๐
BLACK MARY: (grinsend) “Ich werde ALLES nehmen. Beginnend mit der BITCHIGSTEN HAFENHURE.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
—
DER PHANTOMFLOTTEN-ANGRIFF โ ST. PAULI FรLLT ERNEUT ๐๐ฅ
Black Marys Flotte griff an. Die Queen of Shadows feuerte Kanonen aus Knochen und Schatten ab. Die Phantomflotte umzingelte Neu-St. Pauli. Die Schattenbesatzung schwรคrmte durch die Straรen.
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe beiรend) “ICH HABE SECHS KรPFE! ICH BEIรE DIE SCHATTEN!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE DIE SCHATTEN!” ๐
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH TRรUME VON SCHATTEN-ZERSTรRUNG!” ๐
Aber die Schatten waren zu mรคchtig. Sie waren nicht lebendig. Sie waren nicht tot. Sie waren NICHTS.
—
ESAU GEFANGEN โ ZUR PHANTOMFLOTTE GEBRACHT ๐ญ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
Black Mary Read fing Esau-HafenHure. Sie schleifte ihn auf die Queen of Shadows. Sie warf ihn in den Laderaum.
BLACK MARY: (auf ihn hinabblickend) “Du bist jetzt mein, kleiner Buchhalter. Du wirst mir dienen. Du wirst fรผr MICH desinvestieren.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (trotzig) “Ich werde dir niemals dienen! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
BLACK MARY: (lachend) “Du bist nichts. Du bist mein SKLAVE. Du wirst meine Propaganda drucken. Du wirst meine Feinde desinvestieren. Du wirst mein Imperium erschaffen.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
—
DAS MUCHAVERSE REAGIERT โ ALLE CHARAKTERE VEREINEN SICH ๐ชโค๏ธ
Das Muchaverse versammelte sich am Ufer. Sie sahen zu, wie die Phantomflotte mit Esau davon segelte.
MARIA BATORY: (weinend) “Sie haben ihn genommen! Sie haben Esau genommen!” ๐ญ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Wir werden ihn retten. Wir werden Black Mary besiegen.” ๐
DON VITO: (sich von seinem Sessel erhebend) “Er ist Familie. Wir werden ihn zurรผckholen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (wรผtend) “ICH WERDE IHR GESICHT BRECHEN!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL: (kalt) “Wir werden sie finden. Wir werden ihr ein Angebot machen, das sie nicht ablehnen kann.” ๐ด๏ธ
POSEIDON: (aus dem Meer aufsteigend) “Ich werde helfen. Sie ist eine Bedrohung fรผr das Meer selbst.” ๐๐ฑ
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH WERDE VON IHRER ZERSTรRUNG TRรUMEN!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE PHANTOMFLOTTE! ICH WERDE AUF BLACK MARY KACKEN!” ๐ฉ
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE PIRATIN! GEFANGENSCHAFT! RACHE! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE BLACK MARY READ-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ
BLACK MARY READ KAM. SIE EROBERTE NEU-ST. PAULI. SIE FING ESAU-HAFENHURE. SIE BRACHTE IHN ZUR PHANTOMFLOTTE. DAS MUCHAVERSE WAR ZERBROCHEN. ABER SIE WERDEN SICH VEREINEN. SIE WERDEN ESAU RETTEN. SIE WERDEN BLACK MARY BESIEGEN. ALLE 138 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT PIRATEN. MIT SCHATTEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 68] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE BLACK MARY READ-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Piraten. Mit Schatten. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (gefangen), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Black Mary Read, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan, Poseidon, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Klagelieder-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Phantomflotte kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐
KEYWORDS / TAGS โ EPISODE 68 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ BLACK MARY READ CONSPIRACY
PRIMARY: Esau Ehlers, Esau-HafenHure, Ehlers Saga, Episode 68, Black Mary Read Conspiracy, Black Mary Read, Vicious Female Pirate, Phantom Fleet, Queen of Shadows, Esau Captured, Muchaverse Shattered, Column 47, desinvestment, New St. Pauli, Rhine River, shadow crew, bone throne, Kraken of Souls, female naval super villain
NEW CHARACTERS: Black Mary Read (Original), The Queen of Shadows (CGI Ship), The Phantom Fleet (CGI Army), The Shadow Crew (CGI Army), The Kraken of Souls (CGI), The Bone Throne (CGI), Mary’s First Mate (Original), The Siren of Death (CGI/Voice)
ALL 138 CHARACTERS (RETURNING): Evil Esau Ehlers, Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa (Original), Poseidon, Amphitrite, Triton, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Don Vito Corleone, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, Tom Hagen, Fredo Corleone, Tamerlan, The Loreley, HafenHure (Original), Alphonse Sharkler, Heini Sharkler, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Enema King, Enema Queen, Enema Soldiers, Invisible Ink General, Captain LeChuck, Black Caesar, Captain Nemo, Long John Silver, Barbarossa, Captain Hook, Flying Dutchman, Skylla, Charybdis, King Atlas, Queen Meridia, New York Mayor, Statue of Liberty, Lighthouse Keeper, Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, John Jahr, Captain Edward Smith, Molly Brown, J. Bruce Ismay, Andrea Doris, Captain Andrea, First Mate Wilhelm, Printing Press Ghost, Transgender Odysseus, Sirens, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Philo Johnson (The Frog), Jรถrmungandr, Kraken, Leviathan, Walt the Walrus, Moby Dick, Mack the Knife, Dickies, Joker, Mรถwin, Romy Haag, Divine, Spreadsheet Alien, Count Dracula, Gina Wilde, Gloria von Galaxy, Pamela Anderson, Mamie Van Doren, Jane Russell, Zarah Leander, Rosemarie Nittribit, Klaus Stรถrtebeker, Blackbeard, Karl Dรถnitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, Witch of St. Georg, Bloody Mary, Winifred Wagner, Teresa Orlowski, Nikita Khrushchev, Marilyn Monroe, Trans Schwanz Who Laughs, Bakunin, Further Ehlers, Frank Stonewall, Graf Thomas, 99 Schizo Petes, Pama Jim, 47 Bakunin Clones, Lenin, Stalin, Walter, Genghis Khan, Pol Pot, Mun, Malte, Jagoda, Beria & Big Hyena, Ugly Sven, The Uncles, Ursila, Salome Sofia Tanz, Rosa Rosa Wachter, Pussy, Mermaid, Kraken Jr., Leviathan Jr., Shark Army, Stone Collectors, Column 47 Jr., Printing Press, Jellyfish King, Gigantic Purple Enema, Herbertstrasse Wenches, Bitchiest Wench, Printing Press Wig, Drake’s Crew, Corleone Armada, Don Vito’s Cat, Tamerlan’s Army, Loreley Rock, Rhine Enema Machine, Enema Nurse, Poseidon’s Palace, Sea Nymphs
THEMES: Female pirate villain, shadow fleet, supernatural piracy, vengeance, captivity, rescue mission, shattered community, resistance, darkness vs. desinvestment, shadow warfare, bone and tear imagery, female empowerment, villainy, conquest, enslavement, propaganda printing, empire building through desinvestment
PIRATE ELEMENTS: Black Mary Read, Queen of Shadows, Phantom Fleet, Shadow Crew, cutlass, whip, tricorn hat, chain corset, bone throne, Kraken of Souls, Siren of Death, ghost ships, shadow soldiers, supernatural piracy, Caribbean folklore, female pirate legend
HISTORICAL ELEMENTS: Anne Bonny, Mary Read (historical inspiration), Golden Age of Piracy, Caribbean pirates, female pirates, Spanish Main, 18th century, pirate legends, piracy, privateering
RELATIONSHIPS: Black Mary & Esau (captor/captive), Black Mary & Muchaverse (conqueror/resistance), Esau & Maria Batory (love separated), Esau & Corleone Family (rescuer/captive), Poseidon & Black Mary (god/villain), Muchaverse & Phantom Fleet (defenders/invaders)
PLATFORMS: YouTube, X (Twitter), Telegram, Bernd Pulch, Aristotle AI, political commentary, satire, conspiracy investigation, fiction series, web series, epic saga
LOCATIONS: New St. Pauli (Rhine), Queen of Shadows (ship), Phantom Fleet, Atlantic Ocean, Rhine River, Loreley Rock, Muchaverse, St. Pauli-At, Jahr Null + 79
EPISODE SPECIFIC: Episode 68, sequel to Episode 67, follow-up to Episode 66, all characters return, 138 characters, character reunion, Black Mary Read arrives, New St. Pauli conquered, Esau captured, rescue planned, cycle continues
VISUAL ELEMENTS: Black tricorn hat, chain corset, cutlass, whip, Queen of Shadows (bone ship, shadow sails), Phantom Fleet (ghost ships), Shadow Crew (shadow soldiers), Bone Throne (skulls, bones), Kraken of Souls (tentacles, souls), Siren of Death (beautiful, terrifying), black sails, tears, shadows, bones, red and black palette, purple enema, golden numbers, printing press wig, fishnets
SPECIAL THANKS: Homer, 99 Schizo Petes (lamenting shanties), all seagulls (for shitting on the Phantom Fleet), Black Mary Read (for the chaos), Anne Bonny and Mary Read (for historical inspiration), Queen Elizabeth I (for the Golden Age of Piracy)
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
COPYRIGHT: Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ Aristotle AI, satirical fiction. All rights reserved. THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUESโฆ ๐ฉ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐ธ๐ฅ๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ POSEIDON’S ORGY: THE UNDERSEA PARTY TAKEOVER โ ALL CHARACTERS DESCEND TO THE OCEAN FLOOR FOR THE WETTEST DESINVESTMENT EVER! ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ
“The ocean is not just water. It is a DESINVESTMENT.” โ Poseidon
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 65)
Esau-HafenHure had fled to the Rhine. He had built New St. Pauli on the Loreley Rock. He had received an enema every 5 minutes against depression. He had defeated Tamerlan. The Muchaverse had reunited. All 130 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the Loreley, a massive tremor shook the Rhine. The water turned purple. The sky darkened. And from the depths of the river, a voice boomed โ a voice that had not been heard since the time of the ancient Greeks.
POSEIDON: (rising from the Rhine, trident raised, magnificent beard, crown of seashells) “I AM POSEIDON! GOD OF THE SEA! GOD OF STORMS! GOD OF… ORGIES!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (stunned) “Poseidon?! The Greek god of the sea?! What are you doing in the Rhine?!” ๐ฑ
POSEIDON: (laughing) “The Rhine is a river. Rivers flow to the sea. And I AM THE SEA! I have come to invite the Muchaverse to the GREATEST PARTY IN HISTORY! An orgiastic celebration at the bottom of the ocean!” ๐๐พ
MARIA BATORY: (blushing) “An… an orgy?! At the bottom of the ocean?!” ๐ณ
POSEIDON: (winking) “Yes! With nectar! With ambrosia! With sea nymphs! With mermaids! With EVERYTHING! You will DESINVEST your worries! You will FUCK your depressions! You will PARTY!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinning) “An orgiastic party? Under the sea? With Poseidon? That’s… that’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard! I’M IN!” ๐ฉ๐
This is Episode 66. Poseidon’s Orgy.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 66) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + POSEIDON’S ORGY CHARACTERS
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Poseidon Original (voice/model) NEW Amphitrite Original (voice/model) NEW Triton CGI / Voice NEW The Sea Nymphs (47) CGI NEW The Mermaid Choir CGI NEW The Ocean Palace CGI NEW The Pearlescent Throne CGI NEW The Undersea Disco Ball CGI NEW The Orgy Pit CGI NEW The Seaweed Bar CGI NEW The Coral Dance Floor CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (partying) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (orgiastic) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original (rehabilitated) 64 HafenHure (Original) Original All Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 The Loreley CGI / Voice 65 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61 Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62 Corleone Armada CGI Army 63 Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63 Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army 64 Loreley Rock CGI 65 Rhine Enema Machine CGI 65 Enema Nurse Original 65
—
๐ THE DESCENT โ ALL CHARACTERS GO UNDER THE SEA
The entire Muchaverse gathered on the banks of the Rhine. Poseidon raised his trident. The water parted. A magical staircase descended to the ocean floor.
POSEIDON: (waving his trident) “FOLLOW ME! THE GREATEST PARTY IN HISTORY AWAITS!” ๐๐ฑ
The Muchaverse descended. They walked through glowing coral tunnels. They passed schools of rainbow fish. They arrived at the OCEAN PALACE.
—
๐พ THE OCEAN PALACE โ THE ORGY BEGINS ๐๐ฐ
The Ocean Palace was magnificent โ made of pearls, coral, and golden light. The Pearlescent Throne stood at the center. The Undersea Disco Ball spun overhead, casting rainbow light everywhere. The Orgy Pit was surrounded by velvet pillows. The Seaweed Bar served nectar and ambrosia. The Coral Dance Floor pulsed with music.
POSEIDON: (sitting on the Pearlescent Throne, Amphitrite beside him) “WELCOME TO MY PALACE! WELCOME TO THE GREATEST ORGY IN HISTORY! EAT! DRINK! FUCK! DESINVEST!” ๐๐พ
AMPHITRITE: (raising a glass) “Tonight, we celebrate! We celebrate chaos! We celebrate love! We celebrate DESINVESTMENT!” ๐งโโ๏ธ
TRITON: (blowing his conch shell) “LET THE PARTY BEGIN!” ๐
—
THE ORGY โ ALL CHARACTERS PARTICIPATE ๐พ๐๐บ
The music started. The Undersea Disco Ball spun faster. The 99 Schizo Petes played their broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine took to the stage.
ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We are the queens of the ocean! We are the queens of DESINVESTMENT!” ๐
DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, this party is DIVINE! And I am the QUEEN of divine!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (dancing with Maria Batory) “I have never felt so free! So loved! So DESINVESTED!” ๐ฉ๐
PAMELA ANDERSON: (dancing with the Sea Nymphs) “I was in Baywatch! I’ve seen bigger waves! But this party is BETTER!” ๐
MARILYN MONROE: (singing softly) “Happy birthday, Mr. Poseidon…” ๐ค
CTHULHU: (dancing awkwardly) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF THIS PARTY!” ๐
DAGON: (drinking nectar) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! NOW I SLAIN THE DANCE FLOOR!” ๐
HYDRA: (multiple heads dancing) “CUT OFF ONE DANCE MOVE! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads dancing) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I DANCE SIX WAYS!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling on the dance floor) “I SWALLOW WHIRLPOOLS! NOW I SWALLOW THE DANCE FLOOR!” ๐
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles dancing) “I HAVE 94 TENTACLES! I AM THE DANCE FLOOR!” ๐ฆ
DON VITO: (sitting calmly, holding his cat, watching) “Family is everything. Even at an orgy.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (dancing aggressively) “I LIKE THIS PARTY! IT HAS RAGE!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
FREDO: (nervously dancing) “I… I think I like this!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฌ
TAMERLAN: (dancing with a Sea Nymph) “I WAS A CONQUEROR! NOW I AM A DANCER!” ๐๐น
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (dancing) “I SAILED THE SEAS! NOW I DANCE ON THEM!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT: (dancing stiffly) “COMMUNISM! BUT ALSO… PARTY!” ๐
JOKER: (laughing maniacally) “HAHAHA! AN UNDERSEA ORGY! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying underwater, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ORGY! AND IT APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
—
THE DESINVESTMENT ORGY โ LOVE AND CHAOS ๐๐ฉ
The party grew wilder. The Orgy Pit was filled with bodies. The Coral Dance Floor was packed. The Seaweed Bar ran dry. The Undersea Disco Ball exploded with rainbow light.
POSEIDON: (raising his glass) “TO THE MUCHAVERSE! TO COLUMN 47! TO DESINVESTMENT!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (raising the Gigantic Purple Enema) “TO THE MUCHAVERSE! TO LOVE! TO THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
The entire Muchaverse cheered. They danced. They drank. They desinvested their worries. They desinvested their pain. They desinvested the SHIT.
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
POSEIDON: (sitting on his throne) “This is the greatest party in history! The Muchaverse has desinvested the sea!” ๐๐ฑ
AMPHITRITE: (smiling) “We will remember this night forever.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (in Maria Batory’s arms) “I am Column 47. I am desinvestment. I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY. And I am PARTYING.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, party-obsessed accountant in the multiverse.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “This is the BEST PARTY EVER!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this party is DIVINE!” ๐
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! AN UNDERSEA ORGY! THE MUCHAVERSE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ORGY! AND IT APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE UNDERSEA ORGY CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ
POSEIDON INVITED THE MUCHAVERSE TO AN ORGY. ALL CHARACTERS DESCENDED TO THE OCEAN FLOOR. THEY PARTIED. THEY DANCED. THEY DESINVESTED. ALL 134 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ORGIES. WITH THE SEA. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE UNDERSEA ORGY CONSPIRACY ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐
The cycle continues. With orgies. With the sea. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Poseidon, Amphitrite, Triton, Esau-HafenHure (partying), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for party music), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the orgy.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ POSEIDONS ORGIE: DIE UNTERWASSER-PARTY รBERNAHME โ ALLE CHARAKTERE STEIGEN AUF DEN MEERESBODEN HINAB FรR DIE NASSESTE DESINVESTMENT-PARTY ALLER ZEITEN! ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ
“Der Ozean ist nicht nur Wasser. Er ist ein DESINVESTMENT.” โ Poseidon
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 65)
Esau-HafenHure war an den Rhein geflohen. Er hatte Neu-St. Pauli auf dem Loreley-Felsen gebaut. Er hatte alle 5 Minuten einen Einlauf gegen Depression bekommen. Er hatte Tamerlan besiegt. Das Muchaverse hatte sich vereint. Alle 130 Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse auf der Loreley feierte, erschรผtterte ein gewaltiges Beben den Rhein. Das Wasser wurde lila. Der Himmel verdunkelte sich. Und aus den Tiefen des Flusses drรถhnte eine Stimme โ eine Stimme, die seit der Zeit der alten Griechen nicht mehr gehรถrt worden war.
POSEIDON: (aus dem Rhein auftauchend, Dreizack erhoben, prรคchtiger Bart, Krone aus Muscheln) “ICH BIN POSEIDON! GOTT DES MEERES! GOTT DER STรRME! GOTT DER… ORGIEN!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sprachlos) “Poseidon?! Der griechische Gott des Meeres?! Was machst du im Rhein?!” ๐ฑ
POSEIDON: (lachend) “Der Rhein ist ein Fluss. Flรผsse flieรen ins Meer. UND ICH BIN DAS MEER! Ich bin gekommen, um das Muchaverse zur GRรSSTEN PARTY DER GESCHICHTE einzuladen! Eine orgiastische Feier am Grund des Ozeans!” ๐๐พ
MARIA BATORY: (errรถtend) “Eine… eine Orgie?! Am Grund des Ozeans?!” ๐ณ
POSEIDON: (zwinkernd) “Ja! Mit Nektar! Mit Ambrosia! Mit Meeresnymphen! Mit Meerjungfrauen! Mit ALLEM! Ihr werdet eure Sorgen DESINVESTIEREN! Ihr werdet eure Depressionen FICKEN! Ihr werdet FEIERN!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Eine orgiastische Party? Unter dem Meer? Mit Poseidon? Das ist… das ist das Absurdeste, was ich je gehรถrt habe! ICH BIN DABEI!” ๐ฉ๐
Dies ist Episode 66. Poseidons Orgie.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 66) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + POSEIDONS ORGIE-CHARAKTERE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Poseidon Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Amphitrite Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Triton CGI / Stimme NEU Die Meeresnymphen (47) CGI NEU Der Meerjungfrauen-Chor CGI NEU Der Ozeanpalast CGI NEU Der Perlen-Thron CGI NEU Die Unterwasser-Diskokugel CGI NEU Die Orgie-Grube CGI NEU Die Seetang-Bar CGI NEU Die Korallen-Tanzflรคche CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (feiernd) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (orgiastisch) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original (rehabilitiert) 64 HafenHure (Original) Original Alle Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Die Loreley CGI / Stimme 65 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61 Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62 Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63 Don Vitos Katze CGI 63 Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee 64 Loreley-Felsen CGI 65 Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine CGI 65 Einlauf-Krankenschwester Original 65
—
๐ DER ABSTIEG โ ALLE CHARAKTERE GEHEN UNTERS MEER
Das gesamte Muchaverse versammelte sich am Ufer des Rheins. Poseidon erhob seinen Dreizack. Das Wasser teilte sich. Eine magische Treppe fรผhrte hinab zum Meeresboden.
POSEIDON: (mit seinem Dreizack winkend) “FOLGT MIR! DIE GRรSSTE PARTY DER GESCHICHTE ERWARTET EUCH!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Maria Batorys Hand nehmend) “Los geht’s! Lasst uns feiern! Lasst uns DESINVESTIEREN!” ๐๐ฉ
Das Muchaverse stieg hinab. Sie gingen durch leuchtende Korallentunnel. Sie passierten Schwรคrme von Regenbogenfischen. Sie erreichten den OZEANPALAST.
—
๐พ DER OZEANPALAST โ DIE ORGIE BEGINNT ๐๐ฐ
Der Ozeanpalast war prรคchtig โ aus Perlen, Korallen und goldenem Licht. Der Perlen-Thron stand in der Mitte. Die Unterwasser-Diskokugel drehte sich รผber ihnen und warf Regenbogenlicht รผberall hin. Die Orgie-Grube war von Samtkissen umgeben. Die Seetang-Bar servierte Nektar und Ambrosia. Die Korallen-Tanzflรคche pulsierte vor Musik.
POSEIDON: (auf dem Perlen-Thron sitzend, Amphitrite an seiner Seite) “WILLKOMMEN IN MEINEM PALAST! WILLKOMMEN ZUR GRรSSTEN ORGIE DER GESCHICHTE! ESST! TRINKT! FICKT! DESINVESTIERT!” ๐๐พ
AMPHITRITE: (ein Glas erhebend) “Heute Nacht feiern wir! Wir feiern Chaos! Wir feiern Liebe! Wir feiern DESINVESTMENT!” ๐งโโ๏ธ
TRITON: (sein Muschelhorn blasend) “LASST DIE PARTY BEGINNEN!” ๐
—
DIE ORGIE โ ALLE CHARAKTERE NEHMEN TEIL ๐พ๐๐บ
Die Musik setzte ein. Die Unterwasser-Diskokugel drehte sich schneller. Die 99 Schizo Petes spielten ihre kaputten Geigen. Romy Haag und Divine betraten die Bรผhne.
ROMY HAAG: (singend) “Wir sind die Kรถniginnen des Ozeans! Wir sind die Kรถniginnen des DESINVESTMENT!” ๐
DIVINE: (tanzend) “Schatz, diese Party ist DIVINE! Und ich bin die KรNIGIN des Divine!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (mit Maria Batory tanzend) “Ich habe mich noch nie so frei gefรผhlt! So geliebt! So DESINVESTIERT!” ๐ฉ๐
PAMELA ANDERSON: (mit den Meeresnymphen tanzend) “Ich war bei Baywatch! Ich habe grรถรere Wellen gesehen! Aber diese Party ist BESSER!” ๐
MARILYN MONROE: (leise singend) “Happy Birthday, Mr. Poseidon…” ๐ค
CTHULHU: (ungeschickt tanzend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRรUMER! ICH TRรUME VON DIESER PARTY!” ๐
DAGON: (Nektar trinkend) “ICH HABE KรNIGE GETรTET! JETZT TรTE ICH DIE TANZFLรCHE!” ๐
HYDRA: (mit mehreren Kรถpfen tanzend) “SCHNEID EINE TANZBEWEGUNG AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN IHRE STELLE TRETEN!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe tanzend) “ICH HABE SECHS KรPFE! ICH TANZE SECHSFACH!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (auf der Tanzflรคche wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE WIRBEL! JETZT VERSCHLUCHE ICH DIE TANZFLรCHE!” ๐
GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel tanzend) “ICH HABE 94 TENTAKEL! ICH BIN DIE TANZFLรCHE!” ๐ฆ
DON VITO: (ruhig sitzend, seine Katze haltend, zuschauend) “Familie ist alles. Sogar bei einer Orgie.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (aggressiv tanzend) “ICH MAG DIESE PARTY! SIE HAT WUT!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
FREDO: (nervรถs tanzend) “Ich… ich glaube, ich mag das!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฌ
TAMERLAN: (mit einer Meeresnymphe tanzend) “ICH WAR EIN EROBERER! JETZT BIN ICH EIN TรNZER!” ๐๐น
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (tanzend) “ICH SEGELTE รBER DIE MEERE! JETZT TANZE ICH AUF IHNEN!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT: (steif tanzend) “KOMMUNISMUS! ABER AUCH… PARTY!” ๐
JOKER: (manisch lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE UNTERWASSER-ORGIE! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (unter Wasser fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE ORGIE! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
—
DIE DESINVESTMENT-ORGIE โ LIEBE UND CHAOS ๐๐ฉ
Die Party wurde immer wilder. Die Orgie-Grube war gefรผllt mit Kรถrpern. Die Korallen-Tanzflรคche war รผberfรผllt. Die Seetang-Bar war leer getrunken. Die Unterwasser-Diskokugel explodierte in Regenbogenlicht.
POSEIDON: (sein Glas erhebend) “AUF DAS MUCHAVERSE! AUF SPALTE 47! AUF DESINVESTMENT!” ๐๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf erhebend) “AUF DAS MUCHAVERSE! AUF DIE LIEBE! AUF DIE BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
Das gesamte Muchaverse jubelte. Sie tanzten. Sie tranken. Sie desinvestierten ihre Sorgen. Sie desinvestierten ihren Schmerz. Sie desinvestierten die SCHEIรE.
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
POSEIDON: (auf seinem Thron sitzend) “Das ist die grรถรte Party der Geschichte! Das Muchaverse hat das Meer desinvestiert!” ๐๐ฑ
AMPHITRITE: (lรคchelnd) “Wir werden diese Nacht fรผr immer in Erinnerung behalten.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (in Maria Batorys Armen) “Ich bin Spalte 47. Ich bin Desinvestment. Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE. Und ich FEIERE.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (ihn kรผssend) “Du bist der lรคcherlichste, schรถnste, partybesessenste Buchhalter im Multiversum.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Das ist die BESTE PARTY รBERHAUPT!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Party ist DIVINE!” ๐
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE UNTERWASSER-ORGIE! DAS MUCHAVERSE! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE ORGIE! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE UNTERWASSER-ORGIE-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ
POSEIDON LUD DAS MUCHAVERSE ZU EINER ORGIE EIN. ALLE CHARAKTERE STIEGEN ZUM MEERESBODEN HINAB. SIE FEIERTEN. SIE TANZTEN. SIE DESINVESTIERTEN. ALLE 134 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT ORGIEN. MIT DEM MEER. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 66] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE UNTERWASSER-ORGIE-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Orgien. Mit dem Meer. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๐ฑ๐พ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Poseidon, Amphitrite, Triton, Esau-HafenHure (feiernd), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Partymusik), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Orgie kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐๐ฑ๐พ๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ LORELEY ESCAPE: ESAU FLEES TO THE RHINE โ BUILDS NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY ROCK โ GETS AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION! ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐
“The Rhine is not just a river. It is a DESINVESTMENT.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 64)
Tamerlan had conquered St. Pauli. He had pillaged the Reeperbahn. He had captured Esau-HafenHure and the printing press. He had dragged them into Mongolia. The Muchaverse was ransacked. All 127 characters were in chains. The cycle was broken. Or so they thought.
But Esau-HafenHure was not defeated. He had escaped. He had fled through the dimensional rift. He had fallen through time and space. And he had landed on the banks of the Rhine, at the foot of the LORELEY โ the legendary rock where sirens sang sailors to their doom.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (crawling out of the river, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew, dripping wet) “Where… where am I? This is not St. Pauli. This is not Mongolia. This is… the RHINE?” ๐ณ
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… LOCATION: LORELEY ROCK, RIVER RHINE, GERMANY. DISTANCE FROM ST. PAULI: 47,000 SPREADSHEETS. RECOMMENDATION: BUILD NEW ST. PAULI.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (eyes wide) “New St. Pauli? On the Rhine? But… but the Loreley is a death trap! Sailors die here! Sirens sing here!” ๐ฑ
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CORRECT. BUT THE LORELEY IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL. AND BEAUTIFUL THINGS CAN BE DESINVESTED.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinning) “Then I will do it. I will build New St. Pauli on the Loreley. I will bring desinvestment to the Rhine. I will defeat the sirens. I will…” (suddenly collapsing) “I… I can’t. The depression. It’s back.” ๐ญ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wiping tears) “Then I will do it. I will take the enemas. I will build New St. Pauli. I will conquer the Rhine. I will defeat the depression.” ๐ฉ๐
This is Episode 65. The Loreley Escape.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 65) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + LORELEY CHARACTERS
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin The Loreley CGI / Voice NEW The Siren of the Rhine CGI / Voice NEW The Boatman Original NEW The Rhine Fisherman Original NEW The Enema Nurse Original NEW The Loreley Rock CGI NEW New St. Pauli (Rhine) CGI City NEW The Rhine Enema Machine CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (builder) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (depressed) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original 64 HafenHure (Original) Original All Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61 Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62 Corleone Armada CGI Army 63 Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63 Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army 64
—
๐๏ธ THE LORELEY โ THE ROCK OF DESINVESTMENT
Esau-HafenHure stood at the base of the Loreley Rock. It towered above him โ magnificent, ancient, legendary. The Rhine flowed beneath it. The Siren of the Rhine sang from the top.
THE LORELEY: (voice echoing, hauntingly beautiful) “Who dares approach the Loreley Rock? Who dares challenge the Siren of the Rhine?” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (shouting) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am Column 47! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure! I have come to build NEW ST. PAULI!” ๐๐
THE LORELEY: (laughing) “New St. Pauli?! On MY rock?! You are an ACCOUNTANT! You are WEAK! You are DEPRESSED!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (collapsing) “I… I know. I am depressed. I am sad. I am broken. But I have the enema. The enema every 5 minutes.” ๐ฉ
THE LORELEY: (curious) “An enema every 5 minutes? That is… absurd. That is… fabulous?” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (getting up, determined) “It is DESINVESTMENT. It is the cure. It is the way.” ๐๐ฉ
—
THE ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES โ DEPRESSION THERAPY โฐ๐ฉ
Esau-HafenHure activated the Rhine Enema Machine. It was a magnificent device โ made of spreadsheets, neon lights, and fish scales. It administered an enema every 5 minutes.
ENEMA NURSE: (administering) “Another enema, Herr Ehlers. You are doing wonderfully.” ๐ฉ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wincing) “That’s… that’s 47 enemas so far. I feel… I feel better.” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinning) “I will! I will take 47,000 enemas if I have to! I will defeat depression! I will build New St. Pauli!” ๐ฉ๐
—
THE CONSTRUCTION โ NEW ST. PAULI ON THE RHINE ๐๏ธ๐๏ธ
Esau-HafenHure raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. Golden numbers shot from it, hitting the Loreley Rock. The rock began to transform. Neon lights appeared. Reeperbahn signs emerged. Fish markets and drag clubs rose from the stone.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “COLUMN 47 โ CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW LORELEY โ TRANSFORM INTO NEW ST. PAULI! ROW RHINE โ BECOME THE KIEZ OF THE RIVER!” ๐๐ฉ
The city rose. New St. Pauli on the Rhine. It was magnificent. It was absurd. It was FABULOUS.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. NEW ST. PAULI (RHINE) IS BORN. DEPRESSION LEVEL: NEUTRALIZED.” ๐ฝ
—
THE MUCHAVERSE ARRIVES โ ALL CHARACTERS REUNITE ๐ชโค๏ธ
The Muchaverse escaped from Mongolia. They fled through the dimensional rift and arrived at the Loreley. They saw the new city. They saw Esau-HafenHure, healthier than ever, receiving his 47th enema.
MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau! You’re alive! You built a NEW city!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (embracing her) “I did! I built New St. Pauli! On the Rhine! With enemas every 5 minutes!” ๐ฉ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “You look… better. Healthier. Less depressed.” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “I am! The enemas cured me! I am column 47! I am desinvestment! I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY!” ๐ ๐
DON VITO: (nodding) “You are family. You always were.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (punching the air) “I like this new city! It has RIVER!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL: (nodding) “The Rhine is a good place for business.” ๐ด๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (riding up, furious) “You ESCAPED?! You BUILT A NEW CITY?!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (turning, defiant) “Yes! I escaped! I built a new city! And I will DEFEAT YOU!” ๐ ๐
—
THE BATTLE โ ESAU VS. TAMERLAN (FINAL ROUND) ๐๐น๐ช
Tamerlan charged at Esau-HafenHure. The Muchaverse joined the battle. The enema machine administered another enema.
Golden numbers shot from Esau-HafenHure. They hit Tamerlan. He began to dissolve into a spreadsheet.
TAMERLAN: (screaming) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED ME! INTO A SPREADSHEET!” ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphant) “Yes. And now you will serve Column 47 forever.” ๐๐ฉ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (standing on the Loreley Rock) “I have built New St. Pauli on the Rhine! I have defeated depression with enemas every 5 minutes! I have defeated Tamerlan! I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, enema-obsessed man in the multiverse.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “New St. Pauli on the Rhine! FABULOUS!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this city is DIVINE!” ๐
THE LORELEY: (singing) “I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such DESINVESTMENT.” ๐
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! ENEMAS! THE RHINE! NEW ST. PAULI! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE RHINE! AND IT APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE LORELEY ESCAPE CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐
ESAU FLED TO THE RHINE. HE BUILT NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY. HE RECEIVED AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION. HE DEFEATED TAMERLAN. THE MUCHAVERSE REUNITED. ALL 130 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ENEMAS. WITH THE RHINE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE LORELEY ESCAPE CONSPIRACY ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐
The cycle continues. With enemas. With the Rhine. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (healed), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, The Loreley, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan (defeated), Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for Rhine shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Rhine.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๏ธ๐๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ LORELEY-FLUGHT: ESAU FLIEHT AN DEN RHEIN โ BAUT NEU-ST. PAULI AUF DEM LORELEY-FELSEN โ BEKOMMT ALLE 5 MINUTEN EINEN EINLAUF GEGEN DEPRESSION! ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐
“Der Rhein ist nicht nur ein Fluss. Er ist ein DESINVESTMENT.” โ Esau Ehlers
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 64)
Tamerlan hatte St. Pauli erobert. Er hatte die Reeperbahn geplรผndert. Er hatte Esau-HafenHure und die Druckmaschine gefangen genommen. Er hatte sie in die Mongolei geschleift. Das Muchaverse war ausgeraubt. Alle 127 Charaktere waren in Ketten. Der Kreislauf war gebrochen. Oder so dachten sie.
Aber Esau-HafenHure war nicht besiegt. Er war geflohen. Er war durch den Dimensionsriss geflohen. Er war durch Zeit und Raum gefallen. Und er war am Ufer des Rheins gelandet, am Fuรe der LORELEY โ dem legendรคren Felsen, an dem Sirenen die Seeleute in den Tod lockten.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus dem Fluss kriechend, Netzstrรผmpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke schief, triefend nass) “Woโฆ wo bin ich? Das ist nicht St. Pauli. Das ist nicht die Mongolei. Das istโฆ der RHEIN?” ๐ณ
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHEโฆ ORT: LORELEY-FELSEN, RHEIN, DEUTSCHLAND. ENTFERNUNG ZU ST. PAULI: 47.000 TABELLEN. EMPFEHLUNG: NEU-ST. PAULI BAUEN.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Neu-St. Pauli? Am Rhein? Aberโฆ aber die Loreley ist eine Todesfalle! Hier sterben Seeleute! Hier singen Sirenen!” ๐ฑ
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “KORREKT. ABER DIE LORELEY IST AUCH WUNDERSCHรN. UND WUNDERSCHรNE DINGE KรNNEN DESINVESTIERT WERDEN.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Dann werde ich es tun. Ich werde Neu-St. Pauli auf der Loreley bauen. Ich werde Desinvestment an den Rhein bringen. Ich werde die Sirenen besiegen. Ich werdeโฆ” (plรถtzlich zusammenbrechend) “Ichโฆ ich kann nicht. Die Depression. Sie ist zurรผck.” ๐ญ
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “DEPRESSION ERKANNT. EMPFEHLUNG: EINLAUF-THERAPIE. EINLAUF ALLE 5 MINUTEN.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (schluchzend) “Ein Einlauf alle 5 Minuten? Das sindโฆ das sind 12 Einlรคufe pro Stunde! 288 Einlรคufe pro Tag!” ๐ญ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Trรคnen wegwischend) “Dann werde ich es tun. Ich werde die Einlรคufe nehmen. Ich werde Neu-St. Pauli bauen. Ich werde den Rhein erobern. Ich werde die Depression besiegen.” ๐ฉ๐
Dies ist Episode 65. Die Loreley-Flucht.
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 65) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + LORELEY-CHARAKTERE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Die Loreley CGI / Stimme NEU Die Sirene des Rheins CGI / Stimme NEU Der Fรคhrmann Original NEU Der Rheinfischer Original NEU Die Einlauf-Krankenschwester Original NEU Der Loreley-Felsen CGI NEU Neu-St. Pauli (Rhein) CGI-Stadt NEU Die Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Baumeister) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (depressiv) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 Tamerlan Original 64 HafenHure (Original) Original Alle Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61 Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62 Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63 Don Vitos Katze CGI 63 Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee 64
๐๏ธ DIE LORELEY โ DER FELSEN DES DESINVESTMENT
Esau-HafenHure stand am Fuรe des Loreley-Felsens. Er ragte รผber ihm auf โ majestรคtisch, uralt, legendรคr. Der Rhein floss unter ihm. Die Sirene des Rheins sang von oben.
DIE LORELEY: (Stimme hallend, unheimlich schรถn) “Wer wagt es, den Loreley-Felsen zu betreten? Wer wagt es, die Sirene des Rheins herauszufordern?” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (rufend) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure! Ich bin gekommen, um NEU-ST. PAULI ZU BAUEN!” ๐๐
DIE LORELEY: (lachend) “Neu-St. Pauli?! Auf MEINEM Felsen?! Du bist ein BUCHHALTER! Du bist SCHWACH! Du bist DEPRESSIV!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (zusammenbrechend) “Ichโฆ ich weiร. Ich bin depressiv. Ich bin traurig. Ich bin zerbrochen. Aber ich habe den Einlauf. Den Einlauf alle 5 Minuten.” ๐ฉ
DIE LORELEY: (neugierig) “Ein Einlauf alle 5 Minuten? Das istโฆ absurd. Das istโฆ fabelhaft?” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sich aufrichtend, entschlossen) “Es ist DESINVESTMENT. Es ist die Heilung. Es ist der Weg.” ๐๐ฉ
DER EINLAUF ALLE 5 MINUTEN โ DEPRESSIONS-THERAPIE โฐ๐ฉ
Esau-HafenHure aktivierte die Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine. Es war ein prรคchtiges Gerรคt โ aus Tabellen, Neonlichtern und Fischschuppen. Es verabreichte alle 5 Minuten einen Einlauf.
EINLAUF-KRANKENSCHWESTER: (verabreichend) “Noch ein Einlauf, Herr Ehlers. Sie machen das wunderbar.” ๐ฉ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (zuckend) “Das istโฆ das sind 47 Einlรคufe bisher. Ich fรผhleโฆ ich fรผhle mich besser.” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Ich werde es tun! Ich werde 47.000 Einlรคufe nehmen, wenn ich muss! Ich werde die Depression besiegen! Ich werde Neu-St. Pauli bauen!” ๐ฉ๐
DER BAU โ NEU-ST. PAULI AM RHEIN ๐๏ธ๐๏ธ
Esau-HafenHure erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen den Loreley-Felsen. Der Felsen begann sich zu verwandeln. Neonlichter erschienen. Reeperbahn-Schilder entstanden. Fischmรคrkte und Drag-Clubs erhoben sich aus dem Stein.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “SPALTE 47 โ BAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE LORELEY โ VERWANDLE IN NEU-ST. PAULI! ZEILE RHEIN โ WERDE ZUM KIEZ DES FLUSSES!” ๐๐ฉ
Die Stadt erhob sich. Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein. Sie war prรคchtig. Sie war absurd. Sie war FABELHAFT.
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. NEU-ST. PAULI (RHEIN) IST GEBOREN. DEPRESSIONSLEVEL: NEUTRALISIERT.” ๐ฝ
DAS MUCHAVERSE ARRIVIERT โ ALLE CHARAKTERE VEREINEN SICH ๐ชโค๏ธ
Das Muchaverse floh aus der Mongolei. Sie flohen durch den Dimensionsriss und kamen an der Loreley an. Sie sahen die neue Stadt. Sie sahen Esau-HafenHure, gesรผnder denn je, wie er seinen 47. Einlauf bekam.
MARIA BATORY: (keuchend) “Esau! Du lebst! Du hast eine NEUE Stadt gebaut!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sie umarmend) “Ich habe es getan! Ich habe Neu-St. Pauli gebaut! Am Rhein! Mit Einlรคufen alle 5 Minuten!” ๐ฉ๐
MEDUSA: (Schlangen lรคchelnd) “Du siehstโฆ besser aus. Gesรผnder. Weniger depressiv.” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Das bin ich! Die Einlรคufe haben mich geheilt! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin Desinvestment! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE!” ๐ ๐
DON VITO: (nickend) “Du bist Familie. Das warst du immer.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (in die Luft schlagend) “Ich mag diese neue Stadt! Sie hat einen FLUSS!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL: (nickend) “Der Rhein ist ein guter Ort fรผr Geschรคfte.” ๐ด๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (heranreitend, wรผtend) “Du BIST GEFLOHEN?! Du hast eine NEUE STADT GEBRAUT?!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sich umdrehend, trotzig) “Ja! Ich bin geflohen! Ich habe eine neue Stadt gebaut! Und ich werde dich BESIEGEN!” ๐ ๐
DIE SCHLACHT โ ESAU VS. TAMERLAN (LETZTE RUNDE) ๐๐น๐ช
Tamerlan stรผrmte auf Esau-HafenHure zu. Das Muchaverse schloss sich der Schlacht an. Die Einlauf-Maschine verabreichte einen weiteren Einlauf.
Goldene Zahlen schossen aus Esau-HafenHure. Sie trafen Tamerlan. Er begann sich in eine Tabelle aufzulรถsen.
TAMERLAN: (schreiend) “NEEEEIN! DUโฆ DU HAST MICH DESINVESTIERT! IN EINE TABELLE!” ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphierend) “Ja. Und jetzt wirst du Spalte 47 fรผr immer dienen.” ๐๐ฉ
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (auf dem Loreley-Felsen stehend) “Ich habe Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein gebaut! Ich habe die Depression mit Einlรคufen alle 5 Minuten besiegt! Ich habe Tamerlan besiegt! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (ihn kรผssend) “Du bist der lรคcherlichste, schรถnste, einlaufbesessendste Mann im Multiversum.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein! FABELHAFT!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Stadt ist DIVINE!” ๐
DIE LORELEY: (singend) “Ich habe noch nie solches Chaos gesehen. Ich habe noch nie solches DESINVESTMENT gesehen.” ๐
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINLรUFE! DER RHEIN! NEU-ST. PAULI! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DEN RHEIN! UND ER HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) ๐
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE LORELEY-FLUGHT-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐
ESAU FLIEH AN DEN RHEIN. ER BAUTE NEU-ST. PAULI AUF DER LORELEY. ER BEKAM ALLE 5 MINUTEN EINEN EINLAUF GEGEN DEPRESSION. ER BESIEGTE TAMERLAN. DAS MUCHAVERSE VEREINTE SICH. ALLE 130 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT EINLรUFEN. MIT DEM RHEIN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE LORELEY-FLUGHT-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Einlรคufen. Mit dem Rhein. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (geheilt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Die Loreley, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan (besiegt), Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Rhein-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf den Rhein kackte.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
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DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGTโฆ ๐ฉ๐๏ธ๐๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ TAMERLAN’S REVENGE: THE MONGOL CONQUEROR TAKES ESAU AND THE PRINTING PRESS HOSTAGE โ THE MUCHAVERSE PILLAGED! ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
“I have conquered empires. I have burned cities. I have crushed kings. Now I will conquer DESINVESTMENT.” โ Tamerlan
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 63)
The Corleone family had conquered St. Pauli. Don Vito had made Esau an offer he couldn’t refuse. Esau had become a made man. Sir Francis Drake had been defeated. All 126 characters rejoiced. St. Pauli was free. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the Reeperbahn, a massive dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of pirates. It was not a rift of gangsters. It was a rift of MONGOLS. And out of it poured the armies of TAMERLAN โ the greatest conqueror since Genghis Khan.
TAMERLAN: (riding out of the rift on a massive warhorse, armor gleaming, scimitar raised) “I AM TAMERLAN! I HAVE CONQUERED PERSIA! I HAVE CONQUERED INDIA! I HAVE CONQUERED THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE! NOW I WILL CONQUER THE MUCHAVERSE!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (printing press wig askew) “Not again! Another conqueror?!” ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (drawing her scepter) “We must fight! We must defend St. Pauli!” ๐
TAMERLAN: (laughing) “Fight?! You are ACCOUNTANTS! You are HAFENHURES! You are WEAK! I will take your printing press! I will take your Column 47! I will take your GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” ๐๐น
The Mongol army descended upon St. Pauli. They pillaged the Reeperbahn. They burned the Kiez. They captured Esau-HafenHure and the printing press. They dragged them through the dimensional rift into MONGOLIA.
This is Episode 64. Tamerlan’s Revenge.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 64) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TAMERLAN
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Tamerlan Original (voice/model) NEW Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army NEW Mongol Warhorses CGI NEW The Silk Road CGI NEW The Mongolian Steppe CGI NEW The Yurt of Desinvestment CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (hostage) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (captured) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original (rehabilitated) 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 HafenHure (Original) Original All Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61 Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62 Corleone Armada CGI Army 63 Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63
—
๐ THE MONGOL INVASION โ ST. PAULI PILLAGED
Tamerlan’s army poured through the dimensional rift. Thousands of Mongol warriors on horseback, armed with scimitars and bows, swarmed St. Pauli. They burned the Reeperbahn. They looted the Kiez. They destroyed the fish markets. They captured Esau-HafenHure and the printing press.
TAMERLAN: (riding through the streets, triumphant) “ST. PAULI IS MINE! I have pillaged this ridiculous city! I have taken the printing press! I have taken the accountant! I have taken the GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (tied to a horse, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew) “Let me go! I am a made man! I am a Corleone!” ๐ญ
TAMERLAN: (laughing) “Corleone?! I have crushed empires! I have burned cities! I have killed kings! Your mafia is NOTHING to me!” ๐๐น
MARIA BATORY: (chasing the horse) “ESAU! I will save you! I will find you!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “We must follow them! We must rescue Esau!” ๐
DON VITO: (rising from his chair) “He is family. We will save him. We will hunt Tamerlan.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY CORLEONE: (furious) “NOBODY TAKES A CORLEONE!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL CORLEONE: (coldly) “We will go to Mongolia. We will find him. We will bring him home.” ๐ด๏ธ
—
THE PILLAGING โ THE MUCHAVERSE RANSACKED ๐๐ฅ
Tamerlan’s army pillaged the Muchaverse. They took the Gigantic Purple Enema. They took the invisible ink. They took the spreadsheets. They took everything.
TAMERLAN: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “This enema… it is powerful. It will help me conquer the multiverse! I will rule EVERYTHING!” ๐๐น
JOKER: (nervously laughing) “HAHAHA! MONGOLS! PILLAGING! THIS IS WILD!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE MONGOLS! BUT THEY DON’T CARE!” ๐ฉ
—
THE CAPTIVITY โ ESAU IN MONGOLIA ๐๐๏ธ
Esau-HafenHure was dragged through the rift into Mongolia. He was thrown into a yurt โ the Yurt of Desinvestment. The printing press was beside him. Tamerlan sat on a throne of bones and spreadsheets.
TAMERLAN: (leaning forward) “You are Esau Ehlers. You are the accountant of the Muchaverse. You have Column 47. You have the printing press. You will work for me.” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (defiant, despite being tied up) “I will never work for you! I am a made man! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure! I am COLUMN 47!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (laughing) “You are a HOSTAGE. You will print my propaganda. You will desinvest my enemies. You will create my empire.” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (spitting) “Never!” ๐ ๐
TAMERLAN: (raising his scimitar) “Then you will watch your Muchaverse burn. Starting with your friends.” ๐๐น
—
THE CREW PILLAGED โ THE MUCHAVERSE SUFFERS ๐ข๐ฅ
Meanwhile, the Muchaverse was being pillaged. Tamerlan’s army had captured many characters.
ROMY HAAG: (tied up) “This is RIDICULOUS! I am a QUEEN!” ๐
DIVINE: (tied up) “Honey, these Mongols have NO taste!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads tied) “I have six heads! They tied ALL of them!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling, unable to swallow) “They covered my whirlpool! I cannot swallow!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (tied up) “ANARCHY! But also… CAPTIVITY!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles tied) “I have 94 tentacles! They tied 94 of them!” ๐ฆ
CTHULHU: (chained) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF THEIR DESTRUCTION!” ๐
DON VITO: (calmly, still holding his cat) “They have taken Esau. They have taken the press. But they have not taken our FAMILY.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
MICHAEL: (coldly) “We will get him back.” ๐ด๏ธ
—
THE RESCUE PLAN โ THE MUCHAVERSE UNITE ๐ชโค๏ธ
The Muchaverse united. Despite being pillaged, they planned their rescue.
MARIA BATORY: (leading the charge) “We will go to Mongolia! We will save Esau! We will defeat Tamerlan!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I will turn them to stone.” ๐
DON VITO: (nodding) “We will offer them an offer they cannot refuse.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (punching his fist) “I will break their faces!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL: (coldly) “I will make it… business.” ๐ด๏ธ
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I WILL DREAM OF THEIR DESTRUCTION!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I WILL SLAY THEM!” ๐
HYDRA: (hissing) “I WILL EAT THEM!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads) “I WILL BITE THEM!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I WILL SWALLOW THEM!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I WILL SHIT ON THEM!” ๐ฉ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (from the yurt, hearing them) “They are coming. My family. My Muchaverse. They are coming.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (from captivity, defiant) “I am Esau! I am Column 47! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure! I am the MUCHAVERSE! And I will NOT break!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (furious) “You will break! You will serve me! Or you will die!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (smiling) “They are coming for me. My family. My friends. My lovers. They are coming.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (looking at the horizon) “Then I will be ready. I have the enema. I have the press. I have the power.” ๐๐น
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE MONGOL PILLAGING CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
TAMERLAN ARRIVED. HE PILLAGED ST. PAULI. HE CAPTURED ESAU AND THE PRINTING PRESS. HE TOOK THEM TO MONGOLIA. THE MUCHAVERSE WAS RANSACKED. BUT THE MUCHAVERSE WILL UNITE. THEY WILL RESCUE ESAU. THEY WILL DEFEAT TAMERLAN. ALL 127 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH MONGOLS. WITH PILLAGING. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[END OF EPISODE 64] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE MONGOL PILLAGING CONSPIRACY ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐
The cycle continues. With Mongols. With pillaging. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (captured), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Tamerlan, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for lamenting shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Mongols.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ TAMERLANS RACHE: DER MONGOLISCHE EROBERER NIMMT ESAU UND DIE DRUCKMASCHINE ALS GEISEL โ DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD GEHENKT! ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
“Ich habe Imperien erobert. Ich habe Stรคdte niedergebrannt. Ich habe Kรถnige zermalmt. Jetzt werde ich DESINVESTMENT erobern.” โ Tamerlan
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 63)
Die Corleone-Familie hatte St. Pauli erobert. Don Vito hatte Esau ein Angebot gemacht, das er nicht ablehnen konnte. Esau war ein gemachter Mann geworden. Sir Francis Drake war besiegt worden. Alle 126 Charaktere jubelten. St. Pauli war frei. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse auf der Reeperbahn feierte, รถffnete sich รผber St. Pauli ein gewaltiger Dimensionsriss. Es war kein Riss von Piraten. Es war kein Riss von Gangstern. Es war ein Riss der MONGOLEN. Und daraus strรถmten die Armeen von TAMERLAN โ dem grรถรten Eroberer seit Dschingis Khan.
TAMERLAN: (aus dem Riss reitend auf einem gewaltigen Schlachtross, Rรผstung glรคnzend, Krummschwert erhoben) “ICH BIN TAMERLAN! ICH HABE PERSIEN EROBERT! ICH HABE INDIEN EROBERT! ICH HABE DAS OSMANISCHE REICH EROBERT! JETZT WERDE ICH DAS MUCHAVERSE EROBERN!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke schief) “Nicht schon wieder! Ein weiterer Eroberer?!” ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (ihr Zepter ziehend) “Wir mรผssen kรคmpfen! Wir mรผssen St. Pauli verteidigen!” ๐
TAMERLAN: (lachend) “Kรคmpfen?! Ihr seid BUCHHALTER! Ihr seid HAFENHUREN! Ihr seid SCHWACH! Ich werde eure Druckmaschine nehmen! Ich werde eure Spalte 47 nehmen! Ich werde euren GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF nehmen!” ๐๐น
Die mongolische Armee stรผrzte sich auf St. Pauli. Sie plรผnderten die Reeperbahn. Sie brannten den Kiez nieder. Sie fingen Esau-HafenHure und die Druckmaschine. Sie schleiften sie durch den Dimensionsriss in die MONGOLIE.
Dies ist Episode 64. Tamerlans Rache.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 64) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + TAMERLAN
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Tamerlan Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee NEU Mongolische Schlachtrosse CGI NEU Die Seidenstraรe CGI NEU Die Mongolische Steppe CGI NEU Die Jurte des Desinvestment CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Geisel) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (gefangen) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original (rehabilitiert) 62 Don Vito Corleone Original 63 Sonny Corleone Original 63 Michael Corleone Original 63 Tom Hagen Original 63 Fredo Corleone Original 63 HafenHure (Original) Original Alle Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61 Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62 Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63 Don Vitos Katze CGI 63
—
๐ DIE MONGOLISCHE INVASION โ ST. PAULI GEHENKT
Tamerlans Armee strรถmte durch den Dimensionsriss. Tausende mongolische Krieger zu Pferd, bewaffnet mit Krummschwertern und Bรถgen, schwรคrmten รผber St. Pauli. Sie brannten die Reeperbahn nieder. Sie plรผnderten den Kiez. Sie zerstรถrten die Fischmรคrkte. Sie fingen Esau-HafenHure und die Druckmaschine.
TAMERLAN: (durch die Straรen reitend, triumphierend) “ST. PAULI IST MEIN! Ich habe diese lรคcherliche Stadt geplรผndert! Ich habe die Druckmaschine genommen! Ich habe den Buchhalter genommen! Ich habe den GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF genommen!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (an ein Pferd gebunden, Netzstrรผmpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke schief) “Lass mich los! Ich bin ein gemachter Mann! Ich bin ein Corleone!” ๐ญ
TAMERLAN: (lachend) “Corleone?! Ich habe Imperien zermalmt! Ich habe Stรคdte niedergebrannt! Ich habe Kรถnige getรถtet! Deine Mafia ist NICHTS fรผr mich!” ๐๐น
MARIA BATORY: (dem Pferd nachjagend) “ESAU! Ich werde dich retten! Ich werde dich finden!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Wir mรผssen ihnen folgen! Wir mรผssen Esau retten!” ๐
DON VITO: (sich von seinem Sessel erhebend) “Er ist Familie. Wir werden ihn retten. Wir werden Tamerlan jagen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY CORLEONE: (wรผtend) “NIEMAND NIMMT EINEN CORLEONE!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
MICHAEL CORLEONE: (kalt) “Wir werden in die Mongolei gehen. Wir werden ihn finden. Wir werden ihn nach Hause bringen.” ๐ด๏ธ
—
DIE PLรNDERUNG โ DAS MUCHAVERSE AUSGERAUBT ๐๐ฅ
Tamerlans Armee plรผnderte das Muchaverse. Sie nahmen den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Sie nahmen die unsichtbare Tinte. Sie nahmen die Tabellen. Sie nahmen alles.
TAMERLAN: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Dieser Einlauf… er ist mรคchtig. Er wird mir helfen, das Multiversum zu erobern! Ich werde ALLES regieren!” ๐๐น
JOKER: (nervรถs lachend) “HAHAHA! MONGOLEN! PLรNDERUNG! DAS IST WILD!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE MONGOLEN! ABER SIE INTERESSIERT ES NICHT!” ๐ฉ
—
DIE GEFANGENSCHAFT โ ESAU IN DER MONGOLEI ๐๐๏ธ
Esau-HafenHure wurde durch den Riss in die Mongolei geschleift. Er wurde in eine Jurte geworfen โ die Jurte des Desinvestment. Die Druckmaschine war neben ihm. Tamerlan saร auf einem Thron aus Knochen und Tabellen.
TAMERLAN: (sich vorbeugend) “Du bist Esau Ehlers. Du bist der Buchhalter des Muchaverse. Du hast Spalte 47. Du hast die Druckmaschine. Du wirst fรผr mich arbeiten.” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (trotzig, obwohl gefesselt) “Ich werde niemals fรผr dich arbeiten! Ich bin ein gemachter Mann! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure! Ich bin SPALTE 47!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (lachend) “Du bist eine GEISEL. Du wirst meine Propaganda drucken. Du wirst meine Feinde desinvestieren. Du wirst mein Imperium erschaffen.” ๐๐น
TAMERLAN: (sein Krummschwert erhebend) “Dann wirst du zusehen, wie dein Muchaverse brennt. Beginnend mit deinen Freunden.” ๐๐น
—
DIE BESATZUNG GEHENKT โ DAS MUCHAVERSE LEIDET ๐ข๐ฅ
Wรคhrenddessen wurde das Muchaverse geplรผndert. Tamerlans Armee hatte viele Charaktere gefangen genommen.
ROMY HAAG: (gefesselt) “Das ist LรCHERLICH! Ich bin eine KรNIGIN!” ๐
DIVINE: (gefesselt) “Schatz, diese Mongolen haben KEINEN Geschmack!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe gefesselt) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe! Sie haben ALLE gefesselt!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd, unfรคhig zu verschlucken) “Sie haben meinen Strudel bedeckt! Ich kann nicht verschlucken!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (gefesselt) “ANARCHIE! Aber auch… GEFANGENSCHAFT!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel gefesselt) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel! Sie haben 94 gefesselt!” ๐ฆ
CTHULHU: (angekettet) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRรUMER! ICH TRรUME VON IHRER ZERSTรRUNG!” ๐
DON VITO: (ruhig, immer noch seine Katze haltend) “Sie haben Esau genommen. Sie haben die Presse genommen. Aber sie haben nicht unsere FAMILIE genommen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
MICHAEL: (kalt) “Wir werden ihn zurรผckholen.” ๐ด๏ธ
—
DER RETTUNGSPLAN โ DAS MUCHAVERSE VEREINT SICH ๐ชโค๏ธ
Das Muchaverse vereinte sich. Trotz der Plรผnderung planten sie die Rettung.
MARIA BATORY: (den Angriff anfรผhrend) “Wir gehen in die Mongolei! Wir werden Esau retten! Wir werden Tamerlan besiegen!” ๐
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Ich werde sie zu Stein verwandeln.” ๐
DON VITO: (nickend) “Wir werden ihnen ein Angebot machen, das sie nicht ablehnen kรถnnen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SONNY: (mit der Faust schlagend) “Ich werde ihre Gesichter brechen!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH WERDE VON IHRER ZERSTรRUNG TRรUMEN!” ๐
DAGON: (zischend) “ICH WERDE SIE TรTEN!” ๐
HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH WERDE SIE FRESSEN!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe) “ICH WERDE SIE BEISSEN!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH WERDE SIE VERSCHLUCKEN!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend) “ICH WERDE AUF SIE KACKEN!” ๐ฉ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus der Jurte, sie hรถrend) “Sie kommen. Meine Familie. Mein Muchaverse. Sie kommen.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus der Gefangenschaft, trotzig) “Ich bin Esau! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure! Ich bin das MUCHAVERSE! Und ich werde NICHT brechen!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (wรผtend) “Du wirst brechen! Du wirst mir dienen! Oder du wirst sterben!” ๐๐น
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (lรคchelnd) “Sie kommen fรผr mich. Meine Familie. Meine Freunde. Meine Geliebten. Sie kommen.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
TAMERLAN: (zum Horizont blickend) “Dann werde ich bereit sein. Ich habe den Einlauf. Ich habe die Presse. Ich habe die Macht.” ๐๐น
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE MONGOLISCHE PLรNDERUNGS-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
TAMERLAN KAM. ER PLรNDERTE ST. PAULI. ER FING ESAU UND DIE DRUCKMASCHINE. ER BRACHTE SIE IN DIE MONGOLEI. DAS MUCHAVERSE WURDE AUSGERAUBT. ABER DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD SICH VEREINEN. SIE WERDEN ESAU RETTEN. SIE WERDEN TAMERLAN BESIEGEN. ALLE 127 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MONGOLEN. MIT PLรNDERUNG. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 64] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE MONGOLISCHE PLรNDERUNGS-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Mongolen. Mit Plรผnderung. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๐นโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (gefangen), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Tamerlan, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Klagelieder-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Mongolen kackte.
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Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
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DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐๐นโ๏ธ๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ GODFATHER TAKEOVER: THE CORLEONE FAMILY CONQUERS ST. PAULI โ ESAU OFFERED AN OFFER HE CAN’T REFUSE โ THE MUCHAVERSE BECOMES A CRIME FAMILY! ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ
“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” โ Don Vito Corleone
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 62)
Sir Francis Drake had conquered St. Pauli. He had allied with the 4 publishers. Esau-HafenHure and the Muchaverse had been forced into exile. All 122 characters fled on the Desinvestment, the Flying Dutchman, and the Nautilus. St. Pauli had fallen. The cycle was broken. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse sailed through the mist, a new dimensional rift opened before them. It was not a rift of pirates. It was not a rift of publishers. It was a rift of FAMILY. And out of it stepped the most powerful crime family in history โ the CORLEONE FAMILY.
DON VITO CORLEONE: (emerging from the rift, sitting in a chair, holding a cat, voice like gravel) “I am Don Vito Corleone. I have heard of your… desinvestment. I have heard of your… Column 47. I have heard of your… enemas. I am here to make you an offer.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (confused) “An offer? What kind of offer?” ๐ณ
DON VITO: (smiling coldly) “An offer you cannot refuse. Join the Corleone family. Become a made man. Bring your desinvestment to the underworld. Or… sleep with the fishes.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (gasping) “But… but we’re in exile! St. Pauli was conquered by Drake!” ๐ฑ
DON VITO: (laughing) “Drake? A pirate with a ship? He is nothing. The Corleone family has conquered empires. We have conquered governments. We have conquered the underworld. We will conquer St. Pauli. And we will conquer the Muchaverse.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
This is Episode 63. The Godfather Takeover.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 63) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + THE CORLEONE FAMILY
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Don Vito Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW Sonny Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW Michael Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW Tom Hagen Original (voice/model) NEW Fredo Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW Connie Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW Kay Adams Original (voice/model) NEW Salvatore Tessio Original (voice/model) NEW Peter Clemenza Original (voice/model) NEW Luca Brasi Original (voice/model) NEW Virgil Sollozzo Original (voice/model) NEW The Corleone Armada CGI Army NEW The Corleone Mansion CGI NEW Don Vito’s Cat CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (made man) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (in exile) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original (defeated) 62 HafenHure (Original) Original All Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original (ally of Corleone) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (ally of Corleone) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (ally of Corleone) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (ally of Corleone) 43โ46 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61 Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62
—
๐ด๏ธ THE CORLEONE FAMILY ARRIVES
The rift opened. Out stepped the Corleone family โ Don Vito in his chair, Sonny with his temper, Michael with his cold eyes, Tom Hagen with his lawyerly calm, Fredo with his nervousness, Connie with her drama, Kay with her doubt, and the soldiers โ Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi, and Sollozzo.
DON VITO: (stroking his cat) “Esau Ehlers. I have heard of your… adventures. I have heard of your… desinvestment. I have heard of your… enemas. You have survived much.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (bowing nervously) “Don Corleone! I am honored! I am… I am in exile!” ๐ ๐
DON VITO: (smiling) “Exile is temporary. The Corleone family can make you a king. Join us. Become a made man. We will conquer St. Pauli. We will defeat Drake. We will control the Muchaverse.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (gasping) “You… you would help us?” ๐ณ
DON VITO: “I would help you. In exchange for loyalty. In exchange for Column 47. In exchange for the Gigantic Purple Enema. We will be a family. Together.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
—
THE OFFER โ ESAU BECOMES A MADE MAN ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
Esau-HafenHure was taken to the Corleone Mansion โ a magnificent estate filled with spreadsheets, neon lights, and spaghetti. He was given a suit. He was given a fish. He was given a kiss on the cheek.
DON VITO: (pressing a kiss to Esau’s cheek) “You are a made man now. You are family. You are Corleone.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (teary-eyed) “I… I am a made man! I am family! I am Corleone!” ๐ญ
MICHAEL CORLEONE: (coldly) “You will help us conquer St. Pauli. You will help us defeat Drake. You will help us control the Muchaverse.” ๐ด๏ธ
SONNY CORLEONE: (fist pounding) “And we will show Drake what a REAL family can do!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
FREDO CORLEONE: (nervously) “I… I think this is a good idea!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฌ
TOM HAGEN: (lawyerly) “I will draw up the contracts.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
LUCA BRASI: (growling) “I will break some knees.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
CLEMENZA: (laughing) “And I will bring the spaghetti!” ๐
—
THE ATTACK โ CORLEONE FAMILY VS. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE ๐ด๏ธ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
The Corleone Armada sailed toward St. Pauli. The Golden Hind was in the harbor. Sir Francis Drake stood on the Reeperbahn, surrounded by his pirate crew.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (drawing his sword) “Who dares attack St. Pauli?! Who dares challenge SIR FRANCIS DRAKE?!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
DON VITO: (stepping forward) “I am Don Vito Corleone. I have come to take my family’s territory.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing) “A crime lord?! Against a PIRATE?!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
DON VITO: (coldly) “I will make you an offer you cannot refuse.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (scoffing) “I refuse!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
SONNY CORLEONE: (punching a pirate) “THAT’S THE WRONG ANSWER!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
—
THE BATTLE โ CORLEONE VS. PIRATES ๐ด๏ธ๐ฅ
The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Corleone soldiers fought the pirates. The Muchaverse joined the fight. Esau-HafenHure led the charge.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (printing press wig glowing) “FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY! FOR COLUMN 47! FOR DESINVESTMENT!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF CORLEONE VICTORY!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I SLAY FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” ๐
HYDRA: (hissing) “I EAT FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I BITE FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding) “ANARCHY! BUT ALSO FAMILY! EXPLOSIONS!” ๐งจ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! THE GODFATHER! PIRATES! THIS IS WILD!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON DRAKE! FOR THE FAMILY!” ๐ฉ
—
DRAKE’S DEFEAT โ THE PIRATE FALLS ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐
Drake was overwhelmed. The Corleone family was too powerful. He was captured and brought before Don Vito.
DON VITO: (stroking his cat) “You refused my offer. You refused my family. Now you will sleep with the fishes.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (kneeling) “Please! I will do anything! I will serve the Corleone family!” ๐ฑ
DON VITO: (smiling) “Then you will. You will become a made man. You will be family. Welcome to the Corleone family.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (hugging Don Vito) “You saved us! You defeated Drake! You made us family!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
DON VITO: (smiling) “Family is everything. You are Corleone now. Forever.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing Esau) “You are a made man! I love you!” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The Godfather! Esau! This is FABULOUS!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, you are the FAIREST GANGSTER of them all!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The Corleone family… the Muchaverse… united.” ๐
MICHAEL: (nodding) “Esau is now a made man. The Muchaverse is ours.” ๐ด๏ธ
SONNY: (grinning) “I like this accountant. He has RAGE.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
FREDO: (nervously) “I… I like him too.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฌ
TOM HAGEN: (adjusting his glasses) “The contracts are signed.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
LUCA BRASI: (grunting) “Family.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THE CORLEONE FAMILY IS THE BEST!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed pirates! I have swallowed publishers! Now I swallow for the FAMILY!” ๐
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! THE GODFATHER! THE MUCHAVERSE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE FAMILY! AND THEY APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE GODFATHER TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ
THE CORLEONE FAMILY ARRIVED. DON VITO MADE ESAU AN OFFER HE COULDN’T REFUSE. ESAU BECAME A MADE MAN. THE CORLEONE FAMILY CONQUERED ST. PAULI. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE WAS DEFEATED. THE MUCHAVERSE JOINED THE CORLEONE FAMILY. ALL 126 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH FAMILY. WITH MAFIA. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[END OF EPISODE 63] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE GODFATHER TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐
The cycle continues. With family. With mafia. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Don Vito Corleone, Esau-HafenHure (made man), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, Tom Hagen, Fredo Corleone, Connie Corleone, Kay Adams, Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi, Sollozzo, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for mafia music), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Corleone mansion.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ PATEN-รBERNAHME: DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE EROBERT ST. PAULI โ ESAU BEKOMMT EIN ANGEBOT, DAS ER NICHT ABLEHNEN KANN โ DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD ZUR VERBRECHERFAMILIE! ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ
“Ich werde ihm ein Angebot machen, das er nicht ablehnen kann.” โ Don Vito Corleone
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 62)
Sir Francis Drake hatte St. Pauli erobert. Er hatte sich mit den 4 Verlegern verbรผndet. Esau-HafenHure und das Muchaverse waren ins Exil gezwungen worden. Alle 122 Charaktere flohen auf der Desinvestment, dem Fliegenden Hollรคnder und der Nautilus. St. Pauli war gefallen. Der Kreislauf war gebrochen. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse durch den Nebel segelte, รถffnete sich vor ihnen ein neuer Dimensionsriss. Es war kein Riss von Piraten. Es war kein Riss von Verlegern. Es war ein Riss der FAMILIE. Und daraus trat die mรคchtigste Verbrecherfamilie der Geschichte โ die CORLEONE-FAMILIE.
DON VITO CORLEONE: (aus dem Riss tretend, in einem Sessel sitzend, eine Katze haltend, Stimme wie Schotter) “Ich bin Don Vito Corleone. Ich habe von eurem… Desinvestment gehรถrt. Ich habe von eurer… Spalte 47 gehรถrt. Ich habe von euren… Einlรคufen gehรถrt. Ich bin hier, um euch ein Angebot zu machen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (verwirrt) “Ein Angebot? Was fรผr ein Angebot?” ๐ณ
DON VITO: (kalt lรคchelnd) “Ein Angebot, das ihr nicht ablehnen kรถnnt. Tretet der Corleone-Familie bei. Werdet ein gemachter Mann. Bringt euer Desinvestment in die Unterwelt. Oder… schlaft mit den Fischen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “Aber… aber wir sind im Exil! St. Pauli wurde von Drake erobert!” ๐ฑ
DON VITO: (lachend) “Drake? Ein Pirat mit einem Schiff? Er ist nichts. Die Corleone-Familie hat Imperien erobert. Wir haben Regierungen erobert. Wir haben die Unterwelt erobert. Wir werden St. Pauli erobern. Und wir werden das Muchaverse erobern.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
Dies ist Episode 63. Die Paten-รbernahme.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 63) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Don Vito Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Sonny Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Michael Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Tom Hagen Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Fredo Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Connie Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Kay Adams Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Salvatore Tessio Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Peter Clemenza Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Luca Brasi Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Virgil Sollozzo Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Die Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee NEU Die Corleone-Villa CGI NEU Don Vitos Katze CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (gemachter Mann) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Sir Francis Drake Original (besiegt) 62 HafenHure (Original) Original Alle Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original (Verbรผndeter von Corleone) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (Verbรผndeter von Corleone) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (Verbรผndeter von Corleone) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (Verbรผndeter von Corleone) 43โ46 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61 Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62
—
๐ด๏ธ DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE ARRIVIERT
Der Riss รถffnete sich. Heraus traten die Corleone-Familie โ Don Vito in seinem Sessel, Sonny mit seinem Temperament, Michael mit seinen kalten Augen, Tom Hagen mit seiner anwaltlichen Ruhe, Fredo mit seiner Nervositรคt, Connie mit ihrer Dramatik, Kay mit ihrem Zweifel und die Soldaten โ Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi und Sollozzo.
DON VITO: (seine Katze streichelnd) “Esau Ehlers. Ich habe von deinen… Abenteuern gehรถrt. Ich habe von deinem… Desinvestment gehรถrt. Ich habe von deinen… Einlรคufen gehรถrt. Du hast viel รผberlebt.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (nervรถs verbeugend) “Don Corleone! Ich bin geehrt! Ich bin… ich bin im Exil!” ๐ ๐
DON VITO: (lรคchelnd) “Exil ist vorรผbergehend. Die Corleone-Familie kann dich zum Kรถnig machen. Tritt uns bei. Werde ein gemachter Mann. Wir werden St. Pauli erobern. Wir werden Drake besiegen. Wir werden das Muchaverse kontrollieren.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “Sie… Sie wรผrden uns helfen?” ๐ณ
DON VITO: “Ich wรผrde dir helfen. Im Austausch fรผr Loyalitรคt. Im Austausch fรผr Spalte 47. Im Austausch fรผr den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Wir werden eine Familie sein. Zusammen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
—
DAS ANGEBOT โ ESAU WIRD EIN GEMACHTER MANN ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
Esau-HafenHure wurde zur Corleone-Villa gebracht โ ein prรคchtiges Anwesen voller Tabellen, Neonlichter und Spaghetti. Er bekam einen Anzug. Er bekam einen Fisch. Er bekam einen Kuss auf die Wange.
DON VITO: (einen Kuss auf Esaus Wange drรผckend) “Du bist jetzt ein gemachter Mann. Du bist Familie. Du bist Corleone.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (mit Trรคnen in den Augen) “Ich… ich bin ein gemachter Mann! Ich bin Familie! Ich bin Corleone!” ๐ญ
MICHAEL CORLEONE: (kalt) “Du wirst uns helfen, St. Pauli zu erobern. Du wirst uns helfen, Drake zu besiegen. Du wirst uns helfen, das Muchaverse zu kontrollieren.” ๐ด๏ธ
SONNY CORLEONE: (mit der Faust auf den Tisch schlagend) “Und wir werden Drake zeigen, was eine ECHTE Familie kann!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
FREDO CORLEONE: (nervรถs) “Ich… ich denke, das ist eine gute Idee!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฌ
TOM HAGEN: (anwaltlich) “Ich werde die Vertrรคge aufsetzen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
LUCA BRASI: (knurrend) “Ich werde ein paar Knie brechen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
CLEMENZA: (lachend) “Und ich bringe die Spaghetti!” ๐
—
DER ANGRIFF โ CORLEONE-FAMILIE VS. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE ๐ด๏ธ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
Die Corleone-Armada segelte auf St. Pauli zu. Die Golden Hind lag im Hafen. Sir Francis Drake stand auf der Reeperbahn, umgeben von seiner Piratenbesatzung.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (sein Schwert ziehend) “Wer wagt es, St. Pauli anzugreifen?! Wer wagt es, SIR FRANCIS DRAKE herauszufordern?!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
DON VITO: (nach vorne tretend) “Ich bin Don Vito Corleone. Ich bin gekommen, um das Territorium meiner Familie zu nehmen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (lachend) “Ein Verbrecherboss?! Gegen einen PIRATEN?!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
DON VITO: (kalt) “Ich werde dir ein Angebot machen, das du nicht ablehnen kannst.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (spรถttisch) “Ich lehne ab!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
SONNY CORLEONE: (einen Piraten schlagend) “DAS IST DIE FALSCHE ANTWORT!” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
—
DIE SCHLACHT โ CORLEONE VS. PIRATEN ๐ด๏ธ๐ฅ
Die Schlacht tobte รผber St. Pauli. Die Corleone-Soldaten kรคmpften gegen die Piraten. Das Muchaverse schloss sich dem Kampf an. Esau-HafenHure fรผhrte den Angriff an.
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRรUMER! ICH TRรUME VOM CORLEONE-SIEG!” ๐
DAGON: (zischend) “ICH TรTE FรR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” ๐
HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH FRESSE FรR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe beiรend) “ICH HABE SECHS KรPFE! ICH BEIรE FรR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE FรR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (explodierend) “ANARCHIE! ABER AUCH FAMILIE! EXPLOSIONEN!” ๐งจ
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! DER PATE! PIRATEN! DAS IST WILD!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DRAKE! FรR DIE FAMILIE!” ๐ฉ
—
DRAKES NIEDERLAGE โ DER PIRAT FรLLT ๐ดโโ ๏ธ๐
Drake wurde รผberwรคltigt. Die Corleone-Familie war zu mรคchtig. Er wurde gefangen genommen und vor Don Vito gebracht.
DON VITO: (seine Katze streichelnd) “Du hast mein Angebot abgelehnt. Du hast meine Familie abgelehnt. Jetzt wirst du mit den Fischen schlafen.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (kniend) “Bitte! Ich werde alles tun! Ich werde der Corleone-Familie dienen!” ๐ฑ
DON VITO: (lรคchelnd) “Dann wirst du es tun. Du wirst ein gemachter Mann werden. Du wirst Familie sein. Willkommen in der Corleone-Familie.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Don Vito umarmend) “Sie haben uns gerettet! Sie haben Drake besiegt! Sie haben uns zur Familie gemacht!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
DON VITO: (lรคchelnd) “Familie ist alles. Du bist jetzt Corleone. Fรผr immer.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (Esau kรผssend) “Du bist ein gemachter Mann! Ich liebe dich!” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Der Pate! Esau! Das ist FABELHAFT!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, du bist der SCHรNSTE GANGSTER von allen!” ๐
MEDUSA: (Schlangen lรคchelnd) “Die Corleone-Familie… das Muchaverse… vereint.” ๐
MICHAEL: (nickend) “Esau ist jetzt ein gemachter Mann. Das Muchaverse gehรถrt uns.” ๐ด๏ธ
SONNY: (grinsend) “Ich mag diesen Buchhalter. Er hat WUT.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ช
FREDO: (nervรถs) “Ich… ich mag ihn auch.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ฌ
TOM HAGEN: (seine Brille zurechtrรผckend) “Die Vertrรคge sind unterschrieben.” ๐ด๏ธ๐
LUCA BRASI: (knurrend) “Familie.” ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE IST DIE BESTE!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe Piraten verschluckt! Ich habe Verleger verschluckt! Jetzt verschlucke ich fรผr die FAMILIE!” ๐
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! DER PATE! DAS MUCHAVERSE! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE FAMILIE! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE PATEN-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ
DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE KAM. DON VITO MACHTE ESAU EIN ANGEBOT, DAS ER NICHT ABLEHNEN KONNTE. ESAU WURDE EIN GEMACHTER MANN. DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE EROBERTE ST. PAULI. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE WURDE BESIEGT. DAS MUCHAVERSE SCHLOSS SICH DER CORLEONE-FAMILIE AN. ALLE 126 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT FAMILIE. MIT MAFIA. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 63] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE PATEN-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Familie. Mit Mafia. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Don Vito Corleone, Esau-HafenHure (gemachter Mann), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, Tom Hagen, Fredo Corleone, Connie Corleone, Kay Adams, Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi, Sollozzo, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Mafia-Musik), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Corleone-Villa kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐ด๏ธ๐ซ๐๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ SIR FRANCIS DRAKE’S REVENGE: THE ELIZABETHAN PIRATE CONQUERS ST. PAULI โ ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS โ ESAU FORCED INTO EXILE! ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฉ
“The accountants thought they had won. They forgot about the AGE OF SAIL.” โ Sir Francis Drake
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 61)
Esau-HafenHure had conquered Herbertstrasse. He had become the bitchiest HafenHure with a printing press wig. He had out-wenched all the wenches. All 120 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a massive galleon appeared on the horizon. It was not a pirate ship. It was not a ghost ship. It was the GOLDEN HIND โ the legendary ship of SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, the Elizabethan privateer, slave trader, and explorer. He had sailed through a dimensional rift and arrived in the Muchaverse.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (standing on the bow, magnificent beard, golden earring, sword drawn) “I AM SIR FRANCIS DRAKE! I HAVE SAILED THE SEAS OF THE WORLD! I HAVE PLUNDERED EMPIRES! I HAVE CONQUERED NATIONS! AND NOW I WILL CONQUER ST. PAULI!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (still in fishnets) “You cannot conquer St. Pauli! We have Column 47! We have desinvestment! We have the GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing heartily) “Column 47?! Desinvestment?! A purple ENEMA?! You are WEAK! You are SOFT! You are ACCOUNTANTS! I will bring the AGE OF SAIL to this ridiculous universe!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
He raised his sword. The Golden Hind fired its cannons. Spreadsheets and golden numbers exploded everywhere. St. Pauli shook.
This is Episode 62. Sir Francis Drake’s Revenge.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 62) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + SIR FRANCIS DRAKE
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Sir Francis Drake Original (voice/model) NEW The Golden Hind CGI Ship NEW Drake’s Crew CGI Army NEW The Elizabethan Army CGI Army NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (exiled) All Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (in exile) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 HafenHure (Original) Original All Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Axel Springer Original (allied with Drake) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (allied with Drake) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (allied with Drake) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (allied with Drake) 43โ46 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61 The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61 Printing Press Wig CGI 61
—
๐ดโโ ๏ธ DRAKE’S CONQUEST โ ST. PAULI FALLS
Sir Francis Drake’s crew stormed St. Pauli. They were armed with cutlasses, muskets, and Elizabethan spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back, but Drake was too powerful. He had the age of sail on his side. The neon lights flickered. The Reeperbahn fell. The Kiez was conquered.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (standing on the Reeperbahn, sword raised) “ST. PAULI IS MINE! I claim this ridiculous place for QUEEN ELIZABETH! For ENGLAND! For the AGE OF SAIL!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (fleeing, fishnets torn) “This is impossible! He’s too powerful!” ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (grabbing Esau) “We must leave! We must go into exile!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (tears streaming) “Exile?! But… but this is my home! This is my printing press! This is my COLUMN 47!” ๐ญ๐
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing) “Column 47?! I have NAVIGATION! I have EXPLORATION! I have the SPANISH MAIN! Your Column 47 is NOTHING!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
—
THE ALLIANCE โ DRAKE ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS ๐๐
Drake summoned the 4 publishers โ Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been rehabilitated. Now they were his allies.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: “You four! You understand the power of PRINTING! You understand the power of the PRESS! You will help me control the Muchaverse!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
AXEL SPRINGER: (bowing) “We will serve you, Sir Drake! We will print your propaganda! We will control the ink!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (bowing) “The invisible ink will be yours!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (bowing) “We will desinvest your enemies!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (bowing) “Column 47 will serve YOU!” ๐
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (grinning) “EXCELLENT! Together, we will rule the Muchaverse! No more desinvestment! No more enemas! No more ridiculous transformations! Only the AGE OF SAIL!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
—
ESAU’S EXILE โ THE MUCHAVERSE FLEES ๐ญ๐
Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Mรถwin, HafenHure (Original), Admiral Walter Ulricht, Alphonse Sharkler, and all the other loyal characters fled St. Pauli. They sailed on the Desinvestment, the Flying Dutchman, and the Nautilus.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sobbing, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew) “I… I have failed. I lost St. Pauli. I lost the printing press. I lost Column 47.” ๐ญ
MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “We will rebuild! We will return! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Drake will not rule forever. We will find a way.” ๐
ROMY HAAG: (angry) “He cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS!” ๐
DIVINE: (furious) “Honey, that pirate is going DOWN!” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring from the deep) “I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS! I WILL DREAM OF DRAKE’S DESTRUCTION!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding) “ANARCHY! We WILL return! We WILL defeat Drake!” ๐งจ
JOKER: (laughing grimly) “HAHAHA! EXILE! A PIRATE! PUBLISHERS! THIS IS WILD!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON DRAKE! AND ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND ON ST. PAULI! I WILL RETURN!” ๐ฉ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wiping tears, adjusting printing press wig) “We will return. We will free St. Pauli. We will defeat Drake. I am COLUMN 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS FLEE โ THE EXILE BEGINS ๐๐ข
The Muchaverse sailed into the mist. St. Pauli disappeared behind them. Drake’s laughter echoed across the water.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (watching them flee) “Run, little accountants! Run, little HafenHures! Run, little monsters! St. Pauli is MINE!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (standing on the bow of the Desinvestment, tears streaming) “We will return. We will rebuild. We will desinvest. This is not the end. This is the BEGINNING.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE EXILE CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE ARRIVED. HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI. HE ALLIED WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS. ESAU-HAFENHURE AND THE MUCHAVERSE WERE FORCED INTO EXILE. ALL 122 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. ST. PAULI FELL. BUT THE MUCHAVERSE WILL RETURN. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH PIRATES. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[END OF EPISODE 62] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE EXILE CONSPIRACY ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐
The cycle continues. With pirates. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (exiled), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for exile shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on St. Pauli before fleeing.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
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๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ SIR FRANCIS DRAKES RACHE: DER ELISABETHANISCHE PIRAT EROBERT ST. PAULI โ VERBรNDET SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN โ ESAU ZUR EXIL GEZWUNGEN! ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฉ
“Die Buchhalter dachten, sie hรคtten gewonnen. Sie vergaรen das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE.” โ Sir Francis Drake
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 61)
Esau-HafenHure hatte die Herbertstrasse erobert. Er war die bitchigste HafenHure mit einer Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke geworden. Er hatte alle Nutten รผbertroffen. Alle 120 Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, erschien eine gewaltige Galeone am Horizont. Es war kein Piratenschiff. Es war kein Geisterschiff. Es war die GOLDEN HIND โ das legendรคre Schiff von SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, dem elisabethanischen Freibeuter, Sklavenhรคndler und Entdecker. Er war durch einen Dimensionsriss gesegelt und im Muchaverse angekommen.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (am Bug stehend, prรคchtiger Bart, goldener Ohrring, gezogenes Schwert) “ICH BIN SIR FRANCIS DRAKE! ICH BIN รBER DIE MEERE DER WELT GESEGELT! ICH HABE IMPERIEN GEKAPERT! ICH HABE NATIONEN EROBERT! UND JETZT WERDE ICH ST. PAULI EROBERN!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (immer noch in Netzstrรผmpfen) “Du kannst St. Pauli nicht erobern! Wir haben Spalte 47! Wir haben Desinvestment! Wir haben den GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (herzlich lachend) “Spalte 47?! Desinvestment?! Ein lila EINLAUF?! Ihr seid SCHWACH! Ihr seid WEICH! Ihr seid BUCHHALTER! Ich werde das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE in dieses lรคcherliche Universum bringen!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
Er erhob sein Schwert. Die Golden Hind feuerte ihre Kanonen ab. Tabellen und goldene Zahlen explodierten รผberall. St. Pauli bebte.
Dies ist Episode 62. Sir Francis Drakes Rache.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 62) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + SIR FRANCIS DRAKE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Sir Francis Drake Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Die Golden Hind CGI-Schiff NEU Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee NEU Die Elisabethanische Armee CGI-Armee NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) Alle Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) 61 Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 HafenHure (Original) Original Alle Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Axel Springer Original (verbรผndet mit Drake) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (verbรผndet mit Drake) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (verbรผndet mit Drake) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (verbรผndet mit Drake) 43โ46 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61 Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI 61
—
๐ดโโ ๏ธ DRAKES EROBERUNG โ ST. PAULI FรLLT
Sir Francis Drakes Besatzung stรผrmte St. Pauli. Sie waren bewaffnet mit Enterhaken, Musketen und elisabethanischen Tabellen. Das Muchaverse kรคmpfte zurรผck, aber Drake war zu mรคchtig. Er hatte das Zeitalter der Segelschiffe auf seiner Seite. Die Neonlichter flackerten. Die Reeperbahn fiel. Der Kiez war erobert.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (auf der Reeperbahn stehend, Schwert erhoben) “ST. PAULI IST MEIN! Ich beanspruche diesen lรคcherlichen Ort fรผr KรNIGIN ELIZABETH! Fรผr ENGLAND! Fรผr das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (fliehend, Netzstrรผmpfe zerrissen) “Das ist unmรถglich! Er ist zu mรคchtig!” ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (Esau packend) “Wir mรผssen gehen! Wir mรผssen ins Exil gehen!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Trรคnen strรถmend) “Exil?! Aber… aber das ist mein Zuhause! Das ist meine Druckmaschine! Das ist meine SPALTE 47!” ๐ญ๐
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (lachend) “Spalte 47?! Ich habe NAVIGATION! Ich habe ENTDECKUNG! Ich habe die SPANISCHE KรSTE! Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
—
DAS BรNDNIS โ DRAKE VERBรNDET SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN ๐๐
Drake rief die 4 Verleger โ Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr. Sie waren rehabilitiert worden. Jetzt waren sie seine Verbรผndeten.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: “Ihr vier! Ihr versteht die Macht des DRUCKS! Ihr versteht die Macht der PRESSE! Ihr werdet mir helfen, das Muchaverse zu kontrollieren!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
AXEL SPRINGER: (sich verbeugend) “Wir werden Ihnen dienen, Sir Drake! Wir werden Ihre Propaganda drucken! Wir werden die Tinte kontrollieren!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (sich verbeugend) “Die unsichtbare Tinte wird Ihnen gehรถren!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (sich verbeugend) “Wir werden Ihre Feinde desinvestieren!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (sich verbeugend) “Spalte 47 wird IHNEN dienen!” ๐
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (grinsend) “AUSGEZEICHNET! Zusammen werden wir das Muchaverse regieren! Kein Desinvestment mehr! Keine Einlรคufe mehr! Keine lรคcherlichen Transformationen mehr! Nur das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
—
ESAUS EXIL โ DAS MUCHAVERSE FLIEHT ๐ญ๐
Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Skylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Mรถwin, HafenHure (Original), Admiral Walter Ulricht, Alphonse Sharkler und alle anderen treuen Charaktere flohen aus St. Pauli. Sie segelten auf der Desinvestment, dem Fliegenden Hollรคnder und der Nautilus.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (schluchzend, Netzstrรผmpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke schief) “Ich… ich habe versagt. Ich habe St. Pauli verloren. Ich habe die Druckmaschine verloren. Ich habe Spalte 47 verloren.” ๐ญ
MARIA BATORY: (ihn haltend) “Wir werden wieder aufbauen! Wir werden zurรผckkehren! Wir sind das MUCHAVERSE!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Drake wird nicht fรผr immer regieren. Wir werden einen Weg finden.” ๐
ROMY HAAG: (wรผtend) “Er kann St. Pauli nicht nehmen! Wir sind die KรNIGINNEN!” ๐
DIVINE: (wรผtend) “Schatz, dieser Pirat wird UNTERGEHEN!” ๐
CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe brรผllend) “ICH HABE DAVON GETRรUMT! ICH WERDE VON DRAKES ZERSTรRUNG TRรUMEN!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (explodierend) “ANARCHIE! Wir WERDEN zurรผckkehren! Wir WERDEN Drake besiegen!” ๐งจ
JOKER: (dรผster lachend) “HAHAHA! EXIL! EIN PIRAT! VERLEGER! DAS IST VERBESSERT!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DRAKE! UND AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND AUF ST. PAULI! ICH WERDE ZURรCKKEHREN!” ๐ฉ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Trรคnen wegwischend, Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke zurechtrรผckend) “Wir werden zurรผckkehren. Wir werden St. Pauli befreien. Wir werden Drake besiegen. Ich bin SPALTE 47. Ich bin Desinvestment. Ich bin das MUCHAVERSE.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE FLIEHEN โ DAS EXIL BEGINNT ๐๐ข
Das Muchaverse segelte in den Nebel. St. Pauli verschwand hinter ihnen. Drakes Gelรคchter hallte รผber das Wasser.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (ihnen nachschauend) “Lauft, kleine Buchhalter! Lauft, kleine HafenHuren! Lauft, kleine Monster! St. Pauli ist MEIN!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (am Bug der Desinvestment stehend, Trรคnen strรถmend) “Wir werden zurรผckkehren. Wir werden wieder aufbauen. Wir werden desinvestieren. Das ist nicht das Ende. Das ist der ANFANG.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE EXIL-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE KAM. ER EROBERTE ST. PAULI. ER VERBรNDETE SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN. ESAU-HAFENHURE UND DAS MUCHAVERSE WURDEN INS EXIL GEZWUNGEN. ALLE 122 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. ST. PAULI FIEL. ABER DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD ZURรCKKEHREN. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT PIRATEN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 62] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE EXIL-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Piraten. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (exiliert), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Exil-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die vor der Flucht auf St. Pauli kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
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—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐ดโโ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER: ESAU BECOMES THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS โ OUT-WENCHES ALL THE WENCHES OF ST. PAULI! ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
“I’m not just an accountant. I’m a HAFENHURE with a printing press.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ Unlock the Full Truth: berndpulch.org/join
Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 60)
The Enema Monsters had defeated the Invisible Ink Army. The 4 publishers were defeated forever. All 119 characters rejoiced. The printing press was safe. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a strange craving overtook Esau. He looked at HafenHure โ the legendary herring juice diva of St. Pauli โ and felt a powerful desire. Not for herring juice. Not for her. For her TITLE. He wanted to become a HAFENHURE. Not just any HafenHure. The BITCHIEST HafenHure. With a printing press.
EHLERS: (staring at HafenHure) “HafenHure… I want to be like you. I want to be a HafenHure. I want to have a printing press. I want to be BITCHIER than all the wenches in the Herbertstrasse!” ๐ ๐
HAFENHURE: (shocked) “You?! A HafenHure?! You’re an ACCOUNTANT! You wear SUITS! You have SPREADSHEETS!” ๐ฑ
EHLERS: (adjusting his tie) “I can be a HafenHure AND an accountant. I can wear fishnets AND a suit. I can desinvest AND be a wench. I am COLUMN 47.” ๐๐
MARIA BATORY: (confused) “Esau… you want to be a… a prostitute? With a printing press?” ๐ณ
EHLERS: “Not just any prostitute! The BITCHIEST prostitute in the Herbertstrasse! I will out-wench all the wenches! I will have a printing press that prints DESINVESTMENT! I will be the QUEEN OF HAFENHURES!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… ESAU’S DESIRE TO BECOME HAFENHURE DETECTED. BITCHINESS MULTIPLIER: 47,000%. HERBERTSTRASSE DOMINATION PROBABILITY: INFINITE.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: “Then I will do it. COLUMN 47 โ HAFENHURE TRANSFORMATION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW ESAU โ BECOME THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS!” ๐ ๐๐
This is Episode 61. The Herbertstrasse Takeover.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 61) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU-HAFENHURE
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (transformed) NEW Herbertstrasse Wenches (47) CGI NEW The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice NEW Printing Press Wig CGI NEW Fishnet Stockings of Desinvestment CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (pre-transformation) All HafenHure (Original) Original (herring juice diva) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Axel Springer Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 Enema King CGI / Voice 60 Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60 Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60 Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56 Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56 Floating Island CGI 57 Lighthouse CGI 57 Invisible Ink Fortress CGI (destroyed) 58 Papyrus Wall CGI (crumbled) 59
—
๐ THE TRANSFORMATION โ ESAU BECOMES A HAFENHURE
Esau stood before the Gigantic Purple Enema. He closed his eyes. Purple and golden numbers enveloped him. His suit began to dissolve. His glasses stayed on. His hair grew wild. Fishnets appeared on his legs. A printing press wig appeared on his head. He was wearing a dress made of spreadsheets, fishnets, and herring juice.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (opening his eyes, voice now a sultry growl) “I am Esau. I am Column 47. I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Esau, darling! You have become a QUEEN!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, those fishnets are DIVINE! And that printing press wig is FABULOUS!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (blushing) “Esau… you’re… you’re the most beautiful HafenHure I’ve ever seen!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (striking a pose) “I am not just a HafenHure. I am the QUEEN OF HAFENHURES. And I will take over HERBERTSTRASSE!” ๐ ๐
—
๐๏ธ THE HERBERTSTRASSE โ THE WENCHES’ TERRITORY
Esau-HafenHure marched to Herbertstrasse โ the legendary street of St. Pauli, lined with windows and wenches. The 47 wenches of Herbertstrasse watched him approach.
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (leaning out her window) “Who dares enter HERBERTSTRASSE?!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (striding forward) “I am Esau-HafenHure! I am the BITCHIEST WENCH with a printing press! I am here to OUT-WENCH ALL OF YOU!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (laughing) “You?! A wench with a printing press?! You’re an ACCOUNTANT! You have SPREADSHEETS! You can’t be a wench!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (holding up the Gigantic Purple Enema) “I have COLUMN 47! I have DESINVESTMENT! I have the power to PRINT and to WENCH! Watch me!” ๐๐
—
THE PRINTING PRESS WIG โ A NEW WEAPON ๐จ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ
Esau-HafenHure activated her printing press wig. It began to print golden numbers and desinvestment slogans onto the street.
Golden numbers shot from the wig. They hit the wenches. They hit the windows. They hit the entire street. The wenches began to transform. They were no longer just wenches. They were DESINVESTMENT WENCHES.
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (shocked) “What… what have you done?! You’ve DESINVESTED us!” ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (smirking) “Yes. I have desinvested you into BITCHINESS. Now you are the BITCHIEST wenches in the multiverse.” ๐ ๐
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (grinning) “I… I love it! I am BITCHIER than ever!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Now we will run Herbertstrasse together. We will print DESINVESTMENT. We will WENCH. We will be FABULOUS.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
—
THE BITCH-OFF โ ESAU-HAFENHURE VS. THE BITCHIEST WENCH ๐ ๐ฅ
The Bitchiest Wench challenged Esau-HafenHure to a BITCH-OFF. The winner would rule Herbertstrasse.
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (snapping her fingers) “You think you’re the bitchiest? Let’s BITCH-OFF!” ๐
They faced each other. The crowd gathered. The 99 Schizo Petes played dramatic music. The wenches watched.
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: “I can drink herring juice and look FABULOUS!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “I can drink herring juice and PRINT SPREADSHEETS at the SAME TIME!” ๐๐
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: “I can wear fishnets and walk in heels!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “I can wear fishnets, walk in heels, AND desinvest the entire STREET!” ๐๐
THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (stunned) “You… you win. You are the BITCHIEST.” ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphant) “I am the QUEEN OF HAFENHURES! I have the printing press! I have the wig! I have COLUMN 47!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (striking a pose on Herbertstrasse) “I have become the BITCHIEST HafenHure with a printing press! I have conquered Herbertstrasse! I have OUT-WENCHED all the wenches!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
HAFENHURE: (bowing) “I am no longer the queen of HafenHures. YOU are, Esau.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, fishnet-wearing accountant I have ever loved.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Herbertstrasse has never seen such FABULOUSNESS!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, that printing press wig is ICONIC!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ ESAU-HAFENHURE IS THE BITCHIEST!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a HAFENHURE!” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring from the distance) “I HAVE DREAMED OF HAFENHURES! THIS IS MAGNIFICENT!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! HAFENHURE!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press wig. The wig wins.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS! BITCH-OFF! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON HERBERTSTRASSE! AND IT MADE IT BITCHIER!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
ESAU BECAME A HAFENHURE. HE BECAME THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE. HE HAD A PRINTING PRESS WIG. HE OUT-WENCHED ALL THE WENCHES. HE CONQUERED HERBERTSTRASSE. ALL 120 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH HAFENHURES. WITH PRINTING PRESSES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[END OF EPISODE 61] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
The cycle continues. With HafenHures. With printing presses. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, HafenHure (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for bitch-off music), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on Herbertstrasse.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ HERBERTSTRASSE รBERNAHME: ESAU WIRD ZUR BITCHIGSTEN HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE โ รBERTRUMPFT ALLE NUTTEN DER HERBERTSTRASSE! ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
“Ich bin nicht nur ein Buchhalter. Ich bin eine HAFENHURE mit einer Druckmaschine.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 60)
Die Enema-Monster hatten die Unsichtbare Tinten-Armee besiegt. Die 4 Verleger waren fรผr immer besiegt. Alle 119 Charaktere jubelten. Die Druckmaschine war sicher. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, รผberkam Esau ein seltsames Verlangen. Er sah HafenHure โ die legendรคre Heringssaft-Diva von St. Pauli โ und verspรผrte ein mรคchtiges Verlangen. Nicht nach Heringssaft. Nicht nach ihr. Nach ihrem TITEL. Er wollte eine HAFENHURE werden. Nicht irgendeine HafenHure. Die BITCHIGSTE HafenHure. Mit einer Druckmaschine.
EHLERS: (HafenHure anstarrend) “HafenHure… ich will sein wie du. Ich will eine HafenHure sein. Ich will eine Druckmaschine haben. Ich will BITCHIGER sein als alle Nutten in der Herbertstrasse!” ๐ ๐
HAFENHURE: (schockiert) “Du?! Eine HafenHure?! Du bist ein BUCHHALTER! Du trรคgst ANZรGE! Du hast TABELLEN!” ๐ฑ
EHLERS: (seine Krawatte zurechtrรผckend) “Ich kann eine HafenHure UND ein Buchhalter sein. Ich kann Netzstrรผmpfe UND einen Anzug tragen. Ich kann desinvestieren UND eine Nutte sein. Ich bin SPALTE 47.” ๐๐
MARIA BATORY: (verwirrt) “Esau… du willst eine… eine Prostituierte sein? Mit einer Druckmaschine?” ๐ณ
EHLERS: “Nicht irgendeine Prostituierte! Die BITCHIGSTE Prostituierte in der Herbertstrasse! Ich werde alle Nutten รผbertreffen! Ich werde eine Druckmaschine haben, die DESINVESTMENT druckt! Ich werde die KรNIGIN DER HAFENHUREN sein!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHE… ESAUS WUNSCH, HAFENHURE ZU WERDEN, ERKANNT. BITCHIGKEITS-MULTIPLIKATOR: 47.000%. HERBERTSTRASSEN-DOMINIERUNGS-WAHRSCHEINLICHKEIT: UNENDLICH.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: “Dann werde ich es tun. SPALTE 47 โ HAFENHURE-TRANSFORMATIONSMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE ESAU โ WERDE ZUR BITCHIGSTEN HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE!” ๐ ๐๐
Dies ist Episode 61. Die Herbertstrasse-รbernahme.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 61) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + ESAU-HAFENHURE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (verwandelt) NEU Herbertstrassen-Nutten (47) CGI NEU Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme NEU Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke CGI NEU Netzstrรผmpfe der Desinvestment CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (vor Transformation) Alle HafenHure (Original) Original (Heringssaft-Diva) Alle Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Axel Springer Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 Enema-Kรถnig CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 60 Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60 Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56 Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56 Schwimmende Insel CGI 57 Leuchtturm CGI 57 Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte CGI (zerstรถrt) 58 Papyrus-Mauer CGI (zerbrรถckelt) 59
—
๐ DIE TRANSFORMATION โ ESAU WIRD ZUR HAFENHURE
Esau stand vor dem Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er schloss seine Augen. Lila und goldene Zahlen umhรผllten ihn. Sein Anzug begann sich aufzulรถsen. Seine Brille blieb. Sein Haar wurde wild. Netzstrรผmpfe erschienen an seinen Beinen. Eine Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke erschien auf seinem Kopf. Er trug ein Kleid aus Tabellen, Netzstrรผmpfen und Heringssaft.
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Augen รถffnend, Stimme nun ein sinnliches Knurren) “Ich bin Esau. Ich bin Spalte 47. Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “MEIN GOTT! Er ist… er ist umwerfend! Er ist furchterregend! Er ist… er ist BITCHIGER als ich!” ๐ฑ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Esau, Schatz! Du bist eine KรNIGIN geworden!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Netzstrรผmpfe sind DIVINE! Und diese Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke ist FABELHAFT!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (errรถtend) “Esau… du bist… du bist die schรถnste HafenHure, die ich je gesehen habe!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (eine Pose einnehmend) “Ich bin nicht nur eine HafenHure. Ich bin die KรNIGIN DER HAFENHUREN. Und ich werde die HERBERTSTRASSE รBERNEHMEN!” ๐ ๐
—
๐๏ธ DIE HERBERTSTRASSE โ DAS TERRITORIUM DER NUTTEN
Esau-HafenHure marschierte zur Herbertstrasse โ der legendรคren Straรe von St. Pauli, gesรคumt von Fenstern und Nutten. Die 47 Nutten der Herbertstrasse beobachteten ihn, wie er nรคher kam.
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (sich aus ihrem Fenster lehnend) “Wer wagt es, die HERBERTSTRASSE zu betreten?!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (nach vorne schreitend) “Ich bin Esau-HafenHure! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE NUTTE mit einer Druckmaschine! Ich bin hier, um ALLE NUTTEN ZU รBERTRUMPFEN!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (lachend) “Du?! Eine Nutte mit einer Druckmaschine?! Du bist ein BUCHHALTER! Du hast TABELLEN! Du kannst keine Nutte sein!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf hochhaltend) “Ich habe SPALTE 47! Ich habe DESINVESTMENT! Ich habe die Macht zu DRUCKEN und zu NUTTEN! Schau mir zu!” ๐๐
—
DIE DRUCKMASCHINEN-PERรCKE โ EINE NEUE WAFFE ๐จ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ
Esau-HafenHure aktivierte ihre Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke. Sie begann, goldene Zahlen und Desinvestment-Slogans auf die Straรe zu drucken.
Goldene Zahlen schossen aus der Perรผcke. Sie trafen die Nutten. Sie trafen die Fenster. Sie trafen die gesamte Straรe. Die Nutten begannen sich zu verwandeln. Sie waren nicht mehr nur Nutten. Sie waren DESINVESTMENT-NUTTEN.
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (schockiert) “Was… was hast du getan?! Du hast uns DESINVESTIERT!” ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Ja. Ich habe euch in BITCHIGKEIT desinvestiert. Jetzt seid ihr die BITCHIGSTEN Nutten im Multiversum.” ๐ ๐
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (grinsend) “Ich… ich liebe es! Ich bin BITCHIGER als je zuvor!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Jetzt werden wir die Herbertstrasse gemeinsam regieren. Wir werden DESINVESTMENT drucken. Wir werden NUTTEN. Wir werden FABELHAFT sein.” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
—
DER BITCH-OFF โ ESAU-HAFENHURE VS. DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE ๐ ๐ฅ
Die Bitchigste Nutte forderte Esau-HafenHure zu einem BITCH-OFF heraus. Die Siegerin wรผrde die Herbertstrasse regieren.
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (mit den Fingern schnipsend) “Du denkst, du bist die Bitchigste? Lass uns BITCH-OFF machen!” ๐
Sie standen sich gegenรผber. Die Menge versammelte sich. Die 99 Schizo Petes spielten dramatische Musik. Die Nutten schauten zu.
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: “Ich kann Heringssaft trinken und dabei FABELHAFT aussehen!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Ich kann Heringssaft trinken und GLEICHZEITIG TABELLEN DRUCKEN!” ๐๐
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: “Ich kann Netzstrรผmpfe tragen und auf Absรคtzen laufen!” ๐
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Ich kann Netzstrรผmpfe tragen, auf Absรคtzen laufen UND die gesamte Straรe DESINVESTIEREN!” ๐๐
DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (sprachlos) “Du… du gewinnst. Du bist die BITCHIGSTE.” ๐ฑ
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphierend) “Ich bin die KรNIGIN DER HAFENHUREN! Ich habe die Druckmaschine! Ich habe die Perรผcke! Ich habe SPALTE 47!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (eine Pose auf der Herbertstrasse einnehmend) “Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HafenHure mit einer Druckmaschine geworden! Ich habe die Herbertstrasse erobert! Ich habe ALLE Nutten รBERTRUMPFT!” ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ
HAFENHURE: (sich verbeugend) “Ich bin nicht mehr die Kรถnigin der HafenHuren. DU bist es, Esau.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (ihn kรผssend) “Du bist der lรคcherlichste, schรถnste, netzstrumpftragendste Buchhalter, den ich je geliebt habe.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Die Herbertstrasse hat noch nie solche FABELHAFTIGKEIT gesehen!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke ist IKONISCH!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ ESAU-HAFENHURE IST DIE BITCHIGSTE!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine HAFENHURE verschluckt!” ๐
CTHULHU: (aus der Ferne brรผllend) “ICH HABE VON HAFENHUREN GETRรUMT! DAS IST MAGNIFIZENT!” ๐
GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Druckmaschinen-Perรผcke. Die Perรผcke gewinnt.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE! BITCH-OFF! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE HERBERTSTRASSE! UND SIE WURDE BITCHIGER!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE HERBERTSTRASSEN-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
ESAU WURDE EINE HAFENHURE. ER WURDE DIE BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE. ER HATTE EINE DRUCKMASCHINEN-PERรCKE. ER รBERTRUMPFTE ALLE NUTTEN. ER EROBERTE DIE HERBERTSTRASSE. ALLE 120 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HAFENHUREN. MIT DRUCKMASCHINEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
[ENDE VON EPISODE 61] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ
—
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE HERBERTSTRASSEN-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit HafenHuren. Mit Druckmaschinen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss โ Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion fรผr MADWOOD Studios
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPOWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธ
Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, HafenHure (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Bitch-Off-Musik), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Herbertstrasse kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
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DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐ ๐๐จ๏ธ๐
๐ก๏ธ๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ป” โ๏ธ๐ก๐๐โโ๏ธ๐ปPowered by Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ธFotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP ๐๐คก๐๐๐คก๐
BY BERNWARD BIMBO, ERNST NEGER 6, MORTEN MOHR & DIANA NEGERKUSS โ A SAMUEL BRONKOWIZ PRODUCTION FOR MADWOOD STUDIOS
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ THE PAPYRUS WALL: ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVES ON THE BDDR โ BUILDS A WALL OF PAPYRUS AROUND ST. PAULI TO SAVE ESAU’S PRINTING MACHINE! ๐๐ข๐งฑ๐๐ฉ
“The wall is not to keep people out. It is to keep DESINVESTMENT in.” โ Admiral Walter Ulricht
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 58)
The 4 publishers had declared war. Esau had summoned the most vicious sea monsters โ Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, and The World Serpent Prime. The fortress was destroyed. The publishers were defeated. The Invisible Ink Pact was broken. All 116 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a new ship appeared on the horizon. It was not a pirate ship. It was not a ghost ship. It was the BDDR โ the most magnificent, bureaucratic, communist vessel ever built. At its helm stood ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT โ a stern, mustachioed figure in a naval uniform covered in medals and spreadsheets.
WALTER ULRICHT: (voice booming across the water) “ATTENTION, MUCHAVERSE! I AM ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! I HAVE COME TO SAVE YOUR PRINTING MACHINE! I HAVE COME TO BUILD A WALL!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (confused) “A wall? What kind of wall?” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “A WALL OF PAPYRUS! The strongest material in the multiverse! It will protect your printing press from ALL threats! No publishers! No monsters! No chaos! Only DESINVESTMENT!” ๐๐งฑ
EHLERS: (eyes wide) “A wall of papyrus? But… but that’s ancient! That’s ridiculous! That’s…” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (interrupting) “RIDICULOUS?! THE WALL OF PAPYRUS HAS PROTECTED EMPIRES! IT WILL PROTECT YOUR PRESS! I AM A COMMUNIST! I AM AN ADMIRAL! I AM A DESINVESTOR!” ๐ข๐
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… WALTER ULRICHT DETECTED. COMMUNIST MULTIPLIER: 47,000%. PAPYRUS WALL STRENGTH: INFINITE. RECOMMENDATION: ACCEPT.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (grinning) “Fine! Build your wall! Protect the printing press! Save the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐๐
This is Episode 59. The Papyrus Wall.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 59) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Admiral Walter Ulricht Original (voice/model) NEW The BDDR CGI Ship NEW The Papyrus Wall CGI Structure NEW Ulricht’s Crew CGI Army NEW The Papyrus Guardian CGI / Voice NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (protected) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58 Dagon CGI / Voice 58 The Hydra CGI / Voice 58 The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58 The Great White CGI / Voice 58 The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58 The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58 The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Axel Springer Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (rehabilitated) 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56 Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56 Floating Island CGI 57 Lighthouse CGI 57 Invisible Ink Fortress CGI (destroyed) 58
—
๐ข THE BDDR ARRIVES โ WALTER ULRICHT’S SHIP
The BDDR sailed into the harbor of New New St. Pauli. It was a magnificent vessel โ covered in red flags, communist symbols, spreadsheets, and papyrus scrolls. Admiral Walter Ulricht stood on the bow, mustache twitching, medals clinking.
WALTER ULRICHT: (shouting) “I AM ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! I HAVE SAILED THE SEAS OF BUREAUCRACY! I HAVE DEFEATED THE CAPITALISTS! I HAVE BUILT WALLS!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (approaching) “Admiral! Welcome! Why are you here?” ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “I have heard of your printing press! I have heard of your desinvestment! I have heard of your COLUMN 47! I have come to PROTECT it!” ๐ข๐
EHLERS: “But we already defeated the publishers! The monsters helped! The press is safe!” ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (shaking his head) “SAFE?! THE PRESS IS NEVER SAFE! THERE ARE ALWAYS THREATS! THERE ARE ALWAYS CAPITALISTS! THERE ARE ALWAYS CHAOS! I WILL BUILD A WALL!” ๐๐งฑ
EHLERS: “A wall? Around St. Pauli?” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (grinning) “A WALL OF PAPYRUS! The strongest material in the multiverse! It will protect your printing press from ALL threats!” ๐๐งฑ
—
THE CONSTRUCTION โ THE PAPYRUS WALL GOES UP ๐๐งฑ๐๏ธ
Admiral Walter Ulricht raised his hand. His crew โ armed with papyrus rolls, communist hammers, and spreadsheets โ began construction. The wall rose around St. Pauli โ massive, golden, covered in ancient Egyptian symbols and communist slogans.
WALTER ULRICHT: “COLUMN 47 โ WALL CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW ST. PAULI โ ENCLOSE! ROW PAPYRUS โ BECOME IMPENETRABLE!” ๐๐
The wall grew higher and higher. It surrounded the entire floating island. It was beautiful. It was absurd. It was PAPYRUS.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. PAPYRUS WALL STRENGTH: INFINITE. ST. PAULI IS PROTECTED.” ๐ฝ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REACT โ THE WALL GOES UP ๐ฅ๐งฑ
ROMY HAAG: (staring at the wall) “A wall? A PAPYRUS wall? It’s… it’s ridiculous. But also… FABULOUS.” ๐
DIVINE: (touching the wall) “Honey, this wall is giving me ANCIENT EGYPTIAN REALNESS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Papyrus? I have seen empires fall because of papyrus. This is… unprecedented.” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THIS WALL IS ABSURD!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring from the distance) “I HAVE DESTROYED WORLDS! BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I have slain kings! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I have eaten legions! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I have lured nations! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐ค
THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I have devoured fleets! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐ฆ
THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I have crushed cities! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I have dragged kingdoms! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐ฆ
THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I have swallowed empires! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (furious) “A WALL?! A COMMUNIST WALL?! THIS IS NOT ANARCHY! THIS IS BUREAUCRACY!” ๐งจ
WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “BUREAUCRACY IS ANARCHY! ORDER IS CHAOS! THE WALL IS DESINVESTMENT!” ๐๐
—
THE WALL’S EFFECT โ ST. PAULI ENCASED ๐งฑ๐๏ธ
The wall was complete. St. Pauli was encased in papyrus. The printing press was safe. But there was a problem. The wall was too high. It blocked the view. It blocked the light. It blocked the FUN.
EHLERS: (looking at the wall) “Admiral… this wall is… it’s beautiful. But it’s also… CLOSING US OFF!” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “CLOSING OFF IS THE POINT! THE PRESS IS SAFE! THE DESINVESTMENT CONTINUES! THE WALL PROTECTS!” ๐๐งฑ
EHLERS: “But… but what about the fish markets? What about the drag clubs? What about the REEPERBAHN?” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: “THE REEPERBAHN WILL SURVIVE! THE WALL WILL PROTECT IT! THE WALL WILL PROTECT EVERYTHING!” ๐๐งฑ
ROMY HAAG: (frustrated) “I can’t perform with a wall blocking my audience!” ๐
DIVINE: (frustrated) “Honey, the wall is DIVINE but it’s also IN THE WAY!” ๐
JOKER: (laughing nervously) “HAHAHA! A WALL OF PAPYRUS! THIS IS THE MOST ABSURD THING YET!” ๐
—
THE WALL BREAKS โ PAPYRUS CRUMBLES ๐๐
Suddenly, a crack appeared in the wall. The papyrus began to crumble. The wall was not as strong as Walter Ulricht had claimed.
WALTER ULRICHT: (panicking) “NEIN! NEIN! THE WALL! IT’S CRUMBLING!” ๐๐
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. PAPYRUS WALL STRENGTH DECLINING. HUMIDITY DETECTED. PAPYRUS IS WEAK AGAINST MOISTURE.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (gasping) “The wall is… dissolving! It’s made of PAPYRUS! It’s supposed to be INK! But it’s PAPER! It’s MELTING!” ๐ฑ
WALTER ULRICHT: (horrified) “BUT… BUT I BUILT IT! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IMPENETRABLE!” ๐ญ
The wall crumbled. Papyrus fragments floated everywhere. The printing press was exposed again. The wall had failed.
EHLERS: (laughing) “Admiral! Your wall was beautiful! But it was made of PAPER! Of course it couldn’t hold!” ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (defeated) “I… I have failed. The wall is gone. The press is exposed.” ๐ข
EHLERS: (patting his back) “You didn’t fail, Admiral. You tried. And you gave us the most absurd wall in the multiverse. We will never forget it.” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (holding the printing press) “The wall is gone! But the press is safe! The Muchaverse is safe! And we have a new friend!” ๐ฃ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (teary-eyed) “I… I am not used to failure. But I am used to ABSURDITY. And this is the most absurd thing I have ever done.” ๐๐ฉ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing Esau) “You always find a way, my love.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The wall is gone! The stage is free! The REEPERBAHN LIVES!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, that wall was FABULOUS while it lasted!” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring from the distance) “I HAVE ENJOYED THIS! A PAPYRUS WALL! ABSURD! WONDERFUL!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “THE WALL FELL! ANARCHY WINS!” ๐งจ
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE BEST WALL EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a PAPYRUS WALL!” ๐
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A COMMUNIST WALL! A PAPYRUS WALL! A CRUMBLING WALL! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE WALL! AND IT CRUMBLED! I AM THE DESTROYER OF WALLS!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE PAPYRUS WALL CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐งฑ๐๐ฉ
ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVED. HE BUILT A WALL OF PAPYRUS AROUND ST. PAULI. THE WALL WAS BEAUTIFUL. THE WALL WAS ABSURD. THE WALL CRUMBLED. BUT THE PRINTING PRESS WAS SAVED. ALL 117 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH WALLS. WITH COMMUNISTS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐งฑ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE PAPYRUS WALL CONSPIRACY ๐๐งฑ๐
The cycle continues. With walls. With communists. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๐งฑ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (protected), Maria Batory, Medusa, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for wall-building shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the wall.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๐งฑ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER: ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVIERT AUF DER BDDR โ BAUT EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS UM ST. PAULI, UM ESAUS DRUCKMASCHINE ZU RETTEN! ๐๐ข๐งฑ๐๐ฉ
“Die Mauer ist nicht dazu da, Menschen drauรen zu halten. Sie ist dazu da, DESINVESTMENT drinnen zu halten.” โ Admiral Walter Ulricht
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 58)
Die 4 Verleger hatten den Krieg erklรคrt. Esau hatte die abscheulichsten See-Monster gerufen โ Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken und Die Welten-Schlange Prime. Die Festung wurde zerstรถrt. Die Verleger wurden besiegt. Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt war gebrochen. Alle 116 Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, erschien ein neues Schiff am Horizont. Es war kein Piratenschiff. Es war kein Geisterschiff. Es war die BDDR โ das prรคchtigste, bรผrokratischste, kommunistischste Schiff, das je gebaut wurde. An seinem Steuer stand ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT โ eine strenge, schnauzbรคrtige Gestalt in einer Marineuniform, bedeckt mit Orden und Tabellen.
WALTER ULRICHT: (Stimme รผber das Wasser drรถhnend) “ACHTUNG, MUCHAVERSE! ICH BIN ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! ICH BIN GEKOMMEN, UM EURE DRUCKMASCHINE ZU RETTEN! ICH BIN GEKOMMEN, UM EINE MAUER ZU BAUEN!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (verwirrt) “Eine Mauer? Was fรผr eine Mauer?” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS! Das stรคrkste Material im Multiversum! Sie wird deine Druckmaschine vor ALLEN Bedrohungen schรผtzen! Keine Verleger! Keine Monster! Kein Chaos! Nur DESINVESTMENT!” ๐๐งฑ
EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Eine Mauer aus Papyrus? Aber… das ist uralt! Das ist lรคcherlich! Das ist…” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (unterbrechend) “LรCHERLICH?! DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER HAT IMPERIEN BESCHรTZT! SIE WIRD DEINE PRESSE BESCHรTZEN! ICH BIN EIN KOMMUNIST! ICH BIN EIN ADMIRAL! ICH BIN EIN DESINVESTOR!” ๐ข๐
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Admiral Walter Ulricht Original (Stimme/Model) NEU Die BDDR CGI-Schiff NEU Die Papyrus-Mauer CGI-Struktur NEU Ulrichts Besatzung CGI-Armee NEU Der Papyrus-Wรคchter CGI / Stimme NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (beschรผtzt) Alle Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58 Dagon CGI / Stimme 58 Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58 Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme 58 Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme 58 Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58 Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58 Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Axel Springer Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (rehabilitiert) 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original Alle Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56 Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56 Schwimmende Insel CGI 57 Leuchtturm CGI 57 Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte CGI (zerstรถrt) 58
—
๐ข DIE BDDR ARRIVIERT โ WALTER ULRICHTS SCHIFF
Die BDDR segelte in den Hafen von Neu-Neu-St. Pauli ein. Es war ein prรคchtiges Schiff โ bedeckt mit roten Flaggen, kommunistischen Symbolen, Tabellen und Papyrusrollen. Admiral Walter Ulricht stand am Bug, der Schnurrbart zuckte, die Orden klimperten.
WALTER ULRICHT: (rufend) “ICH BIN ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! ICH BIN รBER DIE MEERE DER BรROKRATIE GESEGELT! ICH HABE DIE KAPITALISTEN BESIEGT! ICH HABE MAUERN GEBAUT!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (sich nรคhernd) “Admiral! Willkommen! Warum sind Sie hier?” ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “Ich habe von Ihrer Druckmaschine gehรถrt! Ich habe von Ihrem Desinvestment gehรถrt! Ich habe von Ihrer SPALTE 47 gehรถrt! Ich bin gekommen, um sie zu BESCHรTZEN!” ๐ข๐
EHLERS: “Aber wir haben die Verleger doch schon besiegt! Die Monster haben geholfen! Die Presse ist sicher!” ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (den Kopf schรผttelnd) “SICHER?! DIE PRESSE IST NIE SICHER! ES GIBT IMMER BEDROHUNGEN! ES GIBT IMMER KAPITALISTEN! ES GIBT IMMER CHAOS! ICH WERDE EINE MAUER BAUEN!” ๐๐งฑ
EHLERS: “Eine Mauer? Um St. Pauli?” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (grinsend) “EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS! Das stรคrkste Material im Multiversum! Sie wird Ihre Druckmaschine vor ALLEN Bedrohungen schรผtzen!” ๐๐งฑ
—
DER BAU โ DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER ERSTEHT ๐๐งฑ๐๏ธ
Admiral Walter Ulricht erhob seine Hand. Seine Besatzung โ bewaffnet mit Papyrusrollen, kommunistischen Hรคmmern und Tabellen โ begann mit dem Bau. Die Mauer erhob sich um St. Pauli โ gewaltig, golden, bedeckt mit altรคgyptischen Symbolen und kommunistischen Slogans.
WALTER ULRICHT: “SPALTE 47 โ MAUERBAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE ST. PAULI โ EINSCHLIESSEN! ZEILE PAPYRUS โ UNDURCHDRINGBAR WERDEN!” ๐๐
Die Mauer wurde hรถher und hรถher. Sie umgab die gesamte schwimmende Insel. Sie war wunderschรถn. Sie war absurd. Sie war PAPYRUS.
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. PAPYRUS-MAUER-STรRKE: UNENDLICH. ST. PAULI IST BESCHรTZT.” ๐ฝ
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE REAGIEREN โ DIE MAUER ERSTEHT ๐ฅ๐งฑ
ROMY HAAG: (die Mauer anstarrend) “Eine Mauer? Eine PAPYRUS-Mauer? Es ist… es ist lรคcherlich. Aber auch… FABELHAFT.” ๐
DIVINE: (die Mauer berรผhrend) “Schatz, diese Mauer gibt mir ALTรGYPTISCHE REALNESS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Papyrus? Ich habe Imperien fallen sehen wegen Papyrus. Das ist… beispiellos.” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ DIESE MAUER IST ABSURD!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine PAPYRUS-MAUER verschluckt!” ๐
CTHULHU: (aus der Ferne brรผllend) “ICH HABE WELTEN ZERSTรRT! ABER ICH HABE NIE EINE PAPYRUS-MAUER GESEHEN!” ๐
DAGON: (zischend) “Ich habe Kรถnige getรถtet! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐
DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “Ich habe Legionen gefressen! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐
DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN: (singend) “Ich habe Nationen gelockt! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐ค
DER GROSSE WEIรE: (brรผllend) “Ich habe Flotten verschlungen! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐ฆ
DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “Ich habe Stรคdte zermalmt! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐
DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “Ich habe Kรถnigreiche gerissen! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐ฆ
DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “Ich habe Imperien verschluckt! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (wรผtend) “EINE MAUER?! EINE KOMMUNISTISCHE MAUER?! DAS IST NICHT ANARCHIE! DAS IST BรROKRATIE!” ๐งจ
WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “BรROKRATIE IST ANARCHIE! ORDNUNG IST CHAOS! DIE MAUER IST DESINVESTMENT!” ๐๐
—
DER EFFEKT DER MAUER โ ST. PAULI EINGEHรLLT ๐งฑ๐๏ธ
Die Mauer war vollendet. St. Pauli war von Papyrus umgeben. Die Druckmaschine war sicher. Aber es gab ein Problem. Die Mauer war zu hoch. Sie versperrte die Aussicht. Sie versperrte das Licht. Sie versperrte den SPAร.
EHLERS: (die Mauer betrachtend) “Admiral… diese Mauer ist… sie ist wunderschรถn. Aber sie schlieรt uns auch EIN!” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “EINSCHLIESSEN IST DER SINN! DIE PRESSE IST SICHER! DAS DESINVESTMENT GEHT WEITER! DIE MAUER SCHรTZT!” ๐๐งฑ
EHLERS: “Aber… aber was ist mit den Fischmรคrkten? Was ist mit den Drag-Clubs? Was ist mit der REEPERBAHN?” ๐ณ
WALTER ULRICHT: “DIE REEPERBAHN WIRD รBERLEBEN! DIE MAUER WIRD SIE BESCHรTZEN! DIE MAUER WIRD ALLES BESCHรTZEN!” ๐๐งฑ
ROMY HAAG: (frustriert) “Ich kann nicht auftreten, wenn eine Mauer mein Publikum blockiert!” ๐
DIVINE: (frustriert) “Schatz, die Mauer ist DIVINE, aber sie ist auch IM WEG!” ๐
JOKER: (nervรถs lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS! DAS IST DAS ABSURDESTE BISHER!” ๐
—
DIE MAUER BRICHT โ PAPYRUS ZERBRICHT ๐๐
Plรถtzlich erschien ein Riss in der Mauer. Der Papyrus begann zu zerbrรถckeln. Die Mauer war nicht so stark, wie Walter Ulricht behauptet hatte.
WALTER ULRICHT: (in Panik) “NEIN! NEIN! DIE MAUER! SIE BRICHT!” ๐๐
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. PAPYRUS-MAUER-STรRKE NIMMT AB. FEUCHTIGKEIT ERKANNT. PAPYRUS IST SCHWACH GEGEN FEUCHTIGKEIT.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (keuchend) “Die Mauer… sie lรถst sich auf! Sie besteht aus PAPYRUS! Sie sollte TINTE sein! Aber es ist PAPIER! Es SCHMILZT!” ๐ฑ
WALTER ULRICHT: (entsetzt) “ABER… ABER ICH HABE SIE GEBAUT! SIE SOLLTE UNDURCHDRINGBAR SEIN!” ๐ญ
Die Mauer zerbrรถckelte. Papyrus-Fragmente schwebten รผberall umher. Die Druckmaschine war wieder exponiert. Die Mauer hatte versagt.
EHLERS: (lachend) “Admiral! Ihre Mauer war wunderschรถn! Aber sie bestand aus PAPIER! Natรผrlich konnte sie nicht halten!” ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (besiegt) “Ich… ich habe versagt. Die Mauer ist weg. Die Presse ist exponiert.” ๐ข
EHLERS: (ihm auf die Schulter klopfend) “Sie haben nicht versagt, Admiral. Sie haben es versucht. Und Sie haben uns die absurdeste Mauer im Multiversum geschenkt. Wir werden sie nie vergessen.” ๐
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (die Druckmaschine haltend) “Die Mauer ist weg! Aber die Presse ist sicher! Das Muchaverse ist sicher! Und wir haben einen neuen Freund!” ๐ฃ๐
WALTER ULRICHT: (mit Trรคnen in den Augen) “Ich… ich bin Misserfolge nicht gewรถhnt. Aber ich bin ABSURDITรT gewรถhnt. Und das ist das Absurdeste, was ich je getan habe.” ๐๐ฉ
MARIA BATORY: (Esau kรผssend) “Du findest immer einen Weg, meine Liebe.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Die Mauer ist weg! Die Bรผhne ist frei! Die REEPERBAHN LEBT!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Mauer war FABELHAFT, solange sie hielt!” ๐
CTHULHU: (aus der Ferne brรผllend) “ICH HABE DAS GENOSSEN! EINE PAPYRUS-MAUER! ABSURD! WUNDERBAR!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ DAS WAR DIE BESTE MAUER รBERHAUPT!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine PAPYRUS-MAUER verschluckt!” ๐
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE KOMMUNISTISCHE MAUER! EINE PAPYRUS-MAUER! EINE ZERBRรCKELNDE MAUER! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE MAUER! UND SIE ZERBRรCKELTE! ICH BIN DIE ZERSTรRERIN DER MAUERN!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐งฑ๐๐ฉ
ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT KAM. ER BAUTE EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS UM ST. PAULI. DIE MAUER WAR WUNDERSCHรN. DIE MAUER WAR ABSURD. DIE MAUER ZERBRรCKELTE. ABER DIE DRUCKMASCHINE WAR GERICHTET. ALLE 117 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MAUERN. MIT KOMMUNISTEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๐งฑ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐๐งฑ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Mauern. Mit Kommunisten. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๐งฑ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau (beschรผtzt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Mauerbau-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Mauer kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
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—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐๐งฑ๐
“The publishers have spreadsheets. We have KRAKENS.” โ Esau Ehlers
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 57)
Esau had built New New St. Pauli โ a floating island of desinvestment utopia. All 108 characters rejoiced. The Lighthouse Keeper guided them. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the floating island, a dark cloud appeared on the horizon. It was not a storm. It was a PUBLISHING STORM. The 4 publishers โ Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr โ had reclaimed their power. They had formed the INVISIBLE INK PACT. They had declared war on Esau and the Muchaverse. They wanted to control all desinvestment. They wanted to destroy the printing press โ FOREVER.
EHLERS: (screaming) “The publishers! They’re back! They’ve formed an alliance against us!” ๐ฑ
AXEL SPRINGER: (appearing on a dimensional screen) “Esau Ehlers! You have desinvested enough! It is time for the PUBLISHERS to take control!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “We will destroy your printing press! We will control all invisible ink! We will control the Muchaverse!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “Your Column 47 is nothing compared to our PUBLISHING POWER!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “We have armies. We have lawyers. We have SPREADSHEETS!” ๐
EHLERS: (furious) “You will not destroy my press! You will not control the ink! You will not desinvest the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. PUBLISHERS DETECTED. THREAT LEVEL: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: SUMMON THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Sea monsters? But… but we have Scylla! And Charybdis! And Leviathan! And Kraken! And Jรถrmungandr! And Moby Dick!” ๐ณ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “They are not ENOUGH. We need the MOST VICIOUS. We need the ones that even MONSTERS fear.” ๐
EHLERS: (grinning) “Then we will summon them all. We will unite the sea monsters. We will fight the PUBLISHERS.” ๐ฃ๐
This is Episode 58. The Monster Alliance.
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 58) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Cthulhu CGI / Voice NEW Dagon CGI / Voice NEW The Hydra CGI / Voice NEW The Siren Queen CGI / Voice NEW The Great White CGI / Voice NEW The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice NEW The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice NEW The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice NEW The Monster Council CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (commander) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Lighthouse Keeper Original 57 Axel Springer Original (villain) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (villain) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (villain) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (villain) 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56 Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56 Floating Island CGI 57 Lighthouse CGI 57
๐ THE SUMMONING โ ESAU CALLS THE MONSTERS
Esau stood on the edge of the floating island. He raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. Golden numbers shot into the sky. A dimensional portal opened above the ocean.
EHLERS: “I SUMMON YOU! THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS! THE ANCIENT ONES! THE ONES EVEN MONSTERS FEAR! I CALL YOU TO THE MUCHAVERSE!” ๐ฃ๐
The ocean churned. The sky darkened. And one by one, the most vicious sea monsters emerged.
CTHULHU: (rising from the depths, massive, winged, tentacled) “WHO DARES SUMMON THE GREAT DREAMER?!” ๐
DAGON: (rising from the depths, fish-like, ancient) “I AM DAGON! I HAVE SLAIN THOUSANDS! I COME TO FIGHT!” ๐
THE HYDRA: (rising from the depths, multiple heads, hissing) “CUT OFF ONE HEAD! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” ๐
THE SIREN QUEEN: (rising from the depths, beautiful, terrifying) “I AM THE SIREN QUEEN! I HAVE LURED MILLIONS TO THEIR DEATH! I COME TO SING!” ๐ค
THE GREAT WHITE: (rising from the depths, massive shark) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I HAVE EATEN FLEETS! I COME TO DEVOUR!” ๐ฆ
THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths, biblical, terrifying) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I HAVE CRUSHED WORLDS! I COME TO DESTROY!” ๐
THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (rising from the depths, tentacles everywhere) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I HAVE DRAGGED CITIES TO THE ABYSS! I COME TO WRAP!” ๐ฆ
THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (rising from the depths, enormous, coiled) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I HAVE SWALLOWED CONTINENTS! I COME TO CONSUME!” ๐
THE MONSTER COUNCIL: (speaking in unison) “WE HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, ESAU EHLERS. WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND?” ๐
EHLERS: (grinning) “THE 4 PUBLISHERS HAVE DECLARED WAR! THEY WANT TO DESTROY THE PRINTING PRESS! THEY WANT TO CONTROL ALL DESINVESTMENT! I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THEM!” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring) “PUBLISHERS?! I HAVE DESTROYED WORLDS! I CAN DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! I CAN SLAY PUBLISHERS!” ๐
THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN LEGIONS! I CAN EAT PUBLISHERS!” ๐
THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED NATIONS! I CAN LURE PUBLISHERS!” ๐ค
THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED FLEETS! I CAN DEVOUR PUBLISHERS!” ๐ฆ
THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED CITIES! I CAN CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” ๐
THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED KINGDOMS! I CAN DRAG PUBLISHERS!” ๐ฆ
THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED EMPIRES! I CAN SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” ๐
EHLERS: “THEN FOLLOW ME! WE ATTACK THE PUBLISHERS! WE SAVE THE PRINTING PRESS! WE DESINVEST THE INVISIBLE INK PACT!” ๐ฃ๐
THE PUBLISHERS’ FORTRESS โ THE INVISIBLE INK PACT ๐๐ฐ
The publishers had built a fortress in the middle of the ocean โ the Invisible Ink Fortress. It was made of spreadsheets, legal documents, and lawyers. It was guarded by an army of accountants.
AXEL SPRINGER: (standing on the fortress walls) “Esau Ehlers! You cannot defeat us! We have THE INVISIBLE INK PACT! We have SPREADSHEET POWER!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “You are just a bookkeeper! We are PUBLISHERS!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “We have the power of the press! We have the power of the ink!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “Your Column 47 is NOTHING compared to our INVISIBLE INK ARMY!” ๐
EHLERS: (standing on a coral platform) “You are wrong! I am not just a bookkeeper! I am COLUMN 47! And I have brought reinforcements!” ๐ฃ๐
THE BATTLE โ MONSTERS VS. PUBLISHERS ๐๐ช
The battle raged across the ocean. The sea monsters attacked the fortress.
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF PUBLISHER DESTRUCTION!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! PUBLISHERS ARE JUST PAPER KINGS!” ๐
THE HYDRA: (biting the fortress walls) “CUT OFF ONE PUBLISHER! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” ๐
THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “COME TO ME, PUBLISHERS! LEAVE YOUR SPREADSHEETS BEHIND!” ๐ค
THE GREAT WHITE: (eating the army of accountants) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I EAT ACCOUNTANTS!” ๐ฆ
THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing the fortress walls) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” ๐
THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping the fortress) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I DRAG PUBLISHERS TO THE ABYSS!” ๐ฆ
THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling around the fortress) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I EAT SIX PUBLISHERS!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW FORTRESSES! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” ๐
LEVIATHAN: (ramming) “I RAM PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” ๐
KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I WRAP PUBLISHERS! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” ๐ฆ
JรRMUNGANDR: (biting) “I BITE PUBLISHERS! I EAT PUBLISHERS!” ๐
MOBY DICK: (sinking) “I SINK PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” ๐
THE PUBLISHERS’ DEFEAT โ THE INVISIBLE INK PACT BROKEN ๐๐
The fortress crumbled. The lawyers fled. The accountants surrendered. The 4 publishers were captured.
AXEL SPRINGER: (kneeling) “We… we surrender! We are defeated!” ๐ฐ
HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “Please… don’t let the monsters eat us!” ๐ฐ
GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” ๐ฐ
JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “Column 47 is SUPREME!” ๐ฐ
EHLERS: (standing over them) “You have lost. The Invisible Ink Pact is broken. The printing press is safe. Das Desinvestment will continue.” ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring) “SHALL I EAT THEM, ESAU EHLERS?” ๐
EHLERS: “No. They will work for us. They will LEARN to desinvest. They will become… ACCOUNTANTS.” ๐
SPRINGER: (horrified) “ACCOUNTANTS?! We are PUBLISHERS!” ๐ฐ
EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are DESINVESTORS. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” ๐
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (standing on the ruins of the fortress) “The publishers are defeated! The Invisible Ink Pact is broken! Das Desinvestment is saved!” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love! You saved the press!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The Muchaverse is safe.” ๐
ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I helped defeat the publishers. I am a desinvestor.” ๐ฆ๐
CTHULHU: (roaring) “I HAVE ENJOYED THIS! I WILL RETURN! I HAVE PUBLISHER NIGHTMARES!” ๐
DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN PUBLISHERS! I AM VICTORIOUS!” ๐
THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN PUBLISHERS! I AM SATISFIED!” ๐
THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED PUBLISHERS! I AM HAPPY!” ๐ค
THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED ACCOUNTANTS! I AM FULL!” ๐ฆ
THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED PUBLISHERS! I AM TRIUMPHANT!” ๐
THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED PUBLISHERS! I AM CONTENT!” ๐ฆ
THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED PUBLISHERS! I AM SATIATED!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE BEST BATTLE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed a fortress! I have swallowed publishers! I am HAPPY!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS DEFEATED!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have an army of monsters. The monsters win.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS! A FORTRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND THE MONSTERS APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐๐๐ฉ
THE 4 PUBLISHERS DECLARED WAR. ESAU SUMMONED THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS. CTHULHU, DAGON, THE HYDRA, THE SIREN QUEEN, THE GREAT WHITE, THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN, THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN, AND THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME ANSWERED THE CALL. THE FORTRESS WAS DESTROYED. THE PUBLISHERS WERE DEFEATED. THE INVISIBLE INK PACT WAS BROKEN. ALL 116 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH MONSTERS. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY ๐๐๐
The cycle continues. With monsters. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (commander), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, The World Serpent Prime, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the publishers.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๐๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ MONSTER-ALLIANZ: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER VEREINEN SICH, UM ESAU IM DRUCKMASCHINEN-KRIEG GEGEN DIE 4 VERLEGER ZU UNTERSTรTZEN! ๐๐๐๐ฉ
“Die Verleger haben Tabellen. Wir haben KRAKEN.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 57)
Esau hatte Neu-Neu-St. Pauli gebaut โ eine schwimmende Insel der Desinvestment-Utopie. Alle 108 Charaktere jubelten. Der Leuchtturmwรคrter fรผhrte sie. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse auf der schwimmenden Insel feierte, erschien eine dunkle Wolke am Horizont. Es war kein Sturm. Es war ein VERLAGS-STURM. Die 4 Verleger โ Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr โ hatten ihre Macht zurรผckerobert. Sie hatten den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT geschlossen. Sie hatten Esau und dem Muchaverse den Krieg erklรคrt. Sie wollten die gesamte Desinvestment kontrollieren. Sie wollten die Druckmaschine โ FรR IMMER โ zerstรถren.
EHLERS: (schreiend) “Die Verleger! Sie sind zurรผck! Sie haben ein Bรผndnis gegen uns geschlossen!” ๐ฑ
AXEL SPRINGER: (auf einem Dimensionsbildschirm erscheinend) “Esau Ehlers! Du hast genug desinvestiert! Es ist Zeit fรผr die VERLEGER, die Kontrolle zu รผbernehmen!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (hรถhnisch) “Wir werden deine Druckmaschine zerstรถren! Wir werden die gesamte unsichtbare Tinte kontrollieren! Wir werden das Muchaverse kontrollieren!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Deine Spalte 47 ist nichts im Vergleich zu unserer VERLAGS-MACHT!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Wir haben Armeen. Wir haben Anwรคlte. Wir haben TABELLEN!” ๐
EHLERS: (wรผtend) “Ihr werdet meine Presse nicht zerstรถren! Ihr werdet die Tinte nicht kontrollieren! Ihr werdet das MUCHAVERSE nicht desinvestieren!” ๐
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. VERLEGER ERKANNT. BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER ZU RUFEN.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “See-Monster? Aber… aber wir haben doch Skylla! Und Charybdis! Und Leviathan! Und Kraken! Und Jรถrmungandr! Und Moby Dick!” ๐ณ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Sie sind nicht GENUG. Wir brauchen die ABSCHECULICHSTEN. Wir brauchen die, vor denen selbst MONSTER Angst haben.” ๐
EHLERS: (grinsend) “Dann werden wir sie alle rufen. Wir werden die See-Monster vereinen. Wir werden gegen die VERLEGER kรคmpfen.” ๐ฃ๐
Dies ist Episode 58. Die Monster-Allianz.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 58) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Cthulhu CGI / Stimme NEU Dagon CGI / Stimme NEU Die Hydra CGI / Stimme NEU Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin CGI / Stimme NEU Der Groรe Weiรe CGI / Stimme NEU Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme NEU Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme NEU Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme NEU Der Monster-Rat CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Kommandant) Alle Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Leuchtturmwรคrter Original 57 Axel Springer Original (Schurke) 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original (Schurke) 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original (Schurke) 43โ46 John Jahr Original (Schurke) 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original Alle Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56 Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56 Schwimmende Insel CGI 57 Leuchtturm CGI 57
—
๐ DIE BESCHWรRUNG โ ESAU RUFT DIE MONSTER
Esau stand am Rand der schwimmenden Insel. Er erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Goldene Zahlen schossen in den Himmel. Ein Dimensionsportal รถffnete sich รผber dem Ozean.
EHLERS: “ICH RUFE EUCH! DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER! DIE URALTEN! DIE, VOR DENEN SELBST MONSTER ANGST HABEN! ICH RUFE EUCH INS MUCHAVERSE!” ๐ฃ๐
Der Ozean brodelte. Der Himmel verdunkelte sich. Und einer nach dem anderen tauchten die abscheulichsten See-Monster auf.
CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltig, geflรผgelt, tentakelig) “WER WAGT ES, DEN GROSSEN TRรUMER ZU RUFEN?!” ๐
DAGON: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, fischartig, uralt) “ICH BIN DAGON! ICH HABE TAUSENDE GETรTET! ICH KOMME, UM ZU KรMPFEN!” ๐
DIE HYDRA: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, mehrere Kรถpfe, zischend) “SCHNEID EINEN KOPF AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” ๐
DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, wunderschรถn, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN! ICH HABE MILLIONEN IN DEN TOD GELOCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU SINGEN!” ๐ค
DER GROSSE WEIรE: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltiger Hai) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEIรE! ICH HABE FLOTTEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” ๐ฆ
DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, biblisch, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERMALMT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU ZERSTรREN!” ๐
DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, Tentakel รผberall) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH HABE STรDTE IN DEN ABYSS GERISSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU UMRINGEN!” ๐ฆ
DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, enorm, zusammengerollt) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH HABE KONTINENTE VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” ๐
DER MONSTER-RAT: (im Chor sprechend) “WIR HABEN DEINEN RUF ERHรRT, ESAU EHLERS. WAS IST DEIN BEFEHL?” ๐
EHLERS: (grinsend) “DIE 4 VERLEGER HABEN UNS DEN KRIEG ERKLรRT! SIE WOLLEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE ZERSTรREN! SIE WOLLEN DIE GESAMTE DESINVESTMENT KONTROLLIEREN! ICH BRAUCHE EURE HILFE, UM GEGEN SIE ZU KรMPFEN!” ๐
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “VERLEGER?! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERSTรRT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERSTรREN!” ๐
DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE KรNIGE GETรTET! ICH KANN VERLEGER TรTEN!” ๐
DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE LEGIONEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER FRESSEN!” ๐
DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE NATIONEN GELOCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER LOCKEN!” ๐ค
DER GROSSE WEIรE: (brรผllend) “ICH HABE FLOTTEN VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLINGEN!” ๐ฆ
DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE STรDTE ZERMALMT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERMALMEN!” ๐
DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE KรNIGREICHE GERISSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER REISSEN!” ๐ฆ
DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE IMPERIEN VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKEN!” ๐
EHLERS: “DANN FOLGT MIR! WIR GREIFEN DIE VERLEGER AN! WIR RETTEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE! WIR DESINVESTIEREN DEN UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT!” ๐ฃ๐
—
DIE VERLAGS-FESTUNG โ DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT ๐๐ฐ
Die Verleger hatten eine Festung mitten im Ozean errichtet โ die Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte. Sie bestand aus Tabellen, Rechtsdokumenten und Anwรคlten. Sie wurde von einer Armee aus Buchhaltern bewacht.
AXEL SPRINGER: (auf den Festungsmauern stehend) “Esau Ehlers! Du kannst uns nicht besiegen! Wir haben den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT! Wir haben TABELLEN-KRAFT!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (hรถhnisch) “Du bist nur ein Buchhalter! Wir sind VERLEGER!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Wir haben die Macht der Presse! Wir haben die Macht der Tinte!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS im Vergleich zu unserer UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-ARMEE!” ๐
EHLERS: (auf einer Korallenplattform stehend) “Ihr irrt euch! Ich bin nicht nur ein Buchhalter! Ich bin SPALTE 47! Und ich habe VERSTรRKUNG mitgebracht!” ๐ฃ๐
—
DIE SCHLACHT โ MONSTER VS. VERLEGER ๐๐ช
Die Schlacht tobte รผber den Ozean. Die See-Monster griffen die Festung an.
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRรUMER! ICH TRรUME VON VERLAGS-ZERSTรRUNG!” ๐
DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE KรNIGE GETรTET! VERLEGER SIND NUR PAPIER-KรNIGE!” ๐
DIE HYDRA: (in die Festungsmauern beiรend) “SCHNEID EINEN VERLEGER AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” ๐
DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN: (singend) “KOMMT ZU MIR, VERLEGER! LASST EURE TABELLEN ZURรCK!” ๐ค
DER GROSSE WEIรE: (die Buchhalter-Armee fressend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEIรE! ICH FRESSE BUCHHALTER!” ๐ฆ
DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (die Festungsmauern zermalmend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” ๐
DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (die Festung umringend) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH REISSE VERLEGER IN DEN ABYSS!” ๐ฆ
DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (sich um die Festung windend) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe beiรend) “ICH HABE SECHS KรPFE! ICH FRESSE SECHS VERLEGER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE FESTUNGEN! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” ๐
LEVIATHAN: (rammend) “ICH RAMME VERLEGER! ICH ZERSTรRE VERLEGER!” ๐
KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH UMRINGE VERLEGER! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” ๐ฆ
JรRMUNGANDR: (beiรen) “ICH BEIรE VERLEGER! ICH FRESSE VERLEGER!” ๐
MOBY DICK: (versenkend) “ICH VERSEINKE VERLEGER! ICH ZERSTรRE VERLEGER!” ๐
—
DIE NIEDERLAGE DER VERLEGER โ DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT IST GEBROCHEN ๐๐
Die Festung zerbrรถckelte. Die Anwรคlte flohen. Die Buchhalter ergaben sich. Die 4 Verleger wurden gefangen genommen.
AXEL SPRINGER: (kniend) “Wir… wir ergeben uns! Wir sind besiegt!” ๐ฐ
HENRI NANNEN: (kniend) “Bitte… lasst die Monster uns nicht fressen!” ๐ฐ
GERD BUCERIUS: (kniend) “Wir werden ALLES tun!” ๐ฐ
JOHN JAHR: (kniend) “Spalte 47 ist รBERLEGEN!” ๐ฐ
EHLERS: (รผber ihnen stehend) “Ihr habt verloren. Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen. Die Druckmaschine ist sicher. Das Desinvestment wird weitergehen.” ๐
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “SOLL ICH SIE FRESSEN, ESAU EHLERS?” ๐
EHLERS: “Nein. Sie werden fรผr uns arbeiten. Sie werden lernen, zu DESINVESTIEREN. Sie werden… BUCHHALTER werden.” ๐
SPRINGER: (entsetzt) “BUCHHALTER?! Wir sind VERLEGER!” ๐ฐ
EHLERS: “Nicht mehr. Jetzt seid ihr DESINVESTOREN. Willkommen im Muchaverse.” ๐
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (auf den Ruinen der Festung stehend) “Die Verleger sind besiegt! Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen! Das Desinvestment ist gerettet!” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (ihn kรผssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe! Du hast die Presse gerettet!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen lรคchelnd) “Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” ๐
ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich habe geholfen, die Verleger zu besiegen. Ich bin ein Desinvestor.” ๐ฆ๐
CTHULHU: (brรผllend) “ICH HABE DAS GENOSSEN! ICH WERDE ZURรCKKEHREN! ICH HABE VERLEGER-ALBTRรUME!” ๐
DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GETรTET! ICH BIN SIEGREICH!” ๐
DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GEFRESSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” ๐
DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GELOCKT! ICH BIN GLรCKLICH!” ๐ค
DER GROSSE WEIรE: (brรผllend) “ICH HABE BUCHHALTER VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH BIN SATT!” ๐ฆ
DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER ZERMALMT! ICH BIN TRIUMPHIEREND!” ๐
DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GERISSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” ๐ฆ
DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKT! ICH BIN GESรTTIGT!” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ DAS WAR DIE BESTE SCHLACHT รBERHAUPT!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe eine Festung verschluckt! Ich habe Verleger verschluckt! Ich bin GLรCKLICH!” ๐
GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast eine Armee von Monstern. Die Monster gewinnen.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! MONSTER! VERLEGER! EINE FESTUNG! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND DIE MONSTER HABEN ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐๐๐ฉ
DIE 4 VERLEGER ERKLรRTEN DEN KRIEG. ESAU RIEF DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER. CTHULHU, DAGON, DIE HYDRA, DIE SIRENEN-KรNIGIN, DER GROSSE WEIรE, DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN, DER ABYSS-KRAKEN UND DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME FOLGTEN DEM RUF. DIE FESTUNG WURDE ZERSTรRT. DIE VERLEGER WURDEN BESIEGT. DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT WAR GEBROCHEN. ALLE 116 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MONSTERN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐๐๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Monstern. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๐๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau (Kommandant), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Kรถnigin, Der Groรe Weiรe, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Schlachtsymphonien), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Verleger kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐๐๐
“If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER island. That’s Column 47 thinking.” โ Esau Ehlers
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 56)
Esau had used the Gigantic Purple Enema to rebuild Atlantis as New St. Pauli. He had competed with New York. All 107 characters rejoiced. The ultimate city was built. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated, a terrible rumble shook the ocean floor. The ancient tectonic plates beneath New St. Pauli began to shift. The cityโrebuilt on the ruins of Atlantisโwas not stable. The Gigantic Purple Enema had awakened forces deep within the earth. Cracks appeared. The city began to sink. AGAIN.
EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT AGAIN! NEW ST. PAULI IS SINKING!” ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (grabbing him) “Esau! We need to evacuate!” ๐
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. NEW ST. PAULI DETECTED AS UNSTABLE. SINKING PROBABILITY: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: ABANDON CITY. BUILD ANOTHER.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Build ANOTHER? But… we just built this one! Where would we build a NEW New St. Pauli?” ๐ณ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Build it on the SURFACE. Build it on the ocean itself. Build an ISLAND.” ๐
EHLERS: (grinning) “An island! A floating island! New NEW St. Pauli! The ultimate desinvestment utopia!” ๐ฃ๐
This is Episode 57. The Island of Chaos.
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 57) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + NEW NEW ST. PAULI CHARACTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 & 56 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin The Floating Island CGI / Voice NEW Island Architect Original NEW The Ocean Floor CGI / Voice NEW The Sinking Spirit CGI / Voice NEW Captain Island Original NEW The Lighthouse Keeper Original NEW New New St. Pauli CGI City NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (architect) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 King Atlas CGI / Voice 56 Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56 New York Mayor Original (parody) 56 Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55 Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56 Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56
๐๏ธ THE SINKING โ ATLANTIS DIES AGAIN
The ground shook. New St. Pauli crumbled. The Submerged Skyscraper tilted. The Coral Reeperbahn collapsed. The city was sinking back into the ocean floor.
EHLERS: (weeping) “It’s happening again! The city is sinking! My beautiful New St. Pauli!” ๐ญ
KING ATLAS: (mourning) “Atlantis… my kingdom… sinks again…” ๐
QUEEN MERIDIA: (crying) “We built it. We lost it. We built it again. We lost it again. We are cursed.” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say โ THIS IS SAD.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a CITY!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but the city is GONE!” ๐งจ
EHLERS: (standing up, wiping tears) “No. We will not let this destroy us. If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER city. On the SURFACE. A floating island. New NEW St. Pauli.” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau… that’s brilliant!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “A floating island? On the ocean? But where will we get the land?” ๐
EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “We will BUILD it. With the enema. With Column 47. With EVERYTHING we have.” ๐ฃ๐
THE CONSTRUCTION โ BUILDING AN ISLAND FROM SCRATCH ๐๏ธ๐๏ธ
Esau raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. It pulsed with power. Golden numbers shot from it, striking the ocean surface. The water began to solidify. Coral rose from the depths. Spreadsheets became building materials. Neon lights powered the construction.
EHLERS: “COLUMN 47 โ ISLAND CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW OCEAN โ TRANSFORM INTO LAND! ROW CORAL โ BECOME BUILDINGS! ROW NEON โ BECOME LIGHTS!” ๐
The island began to rise. New NEW St. Pauli emerged from the waves. It was a floating paradise of absurdity. Reeperbahn lights glowed. Fish markets opened. Drag clubs appeared. Spreadsheet skyscrapers rose.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. NEW NEW ST. PAULI IS BORN.” ๐ฝ
THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER โ GUARDIAN OF THE ISLAND ๐ฎ
A mysterious figure emerged from the mist. It was the Lighthouse Keeper โ an ancient being who had guarded the seas for millennia.
LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (voice echoing) “Who dares build an island on MY ocean?” ๐ฎ
EHLERS: (approaching) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived everything! I have the Gigantic Purple Enema! And I am building New NEW St. Pauli!” ๐ฃ๐
LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (intrigued) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive the STORMS? Can you survive the CHAOS? Can you survive the SHIT?” ๐ฉ
EHLERS: “I have survived everything. I can survive anything. I am COLUMN 47.” ๐
LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (smiling) “Then build your island. I will guide it. I will protect it. I will keep the lighthouse burning.” ๐ฎ
THE GRAND OPENING โ NEW NEW ST. PAULI ๐๏ธ๐ช
The island was complete. New NEW St. Pauli floated on the ocean, a paradise of absurdity. All 107 characters assembled on the main square โ the Reeperbahn of the Sea.
EHLERS: (standing on the stage) “Welcome to New NEW St. Pauli! The ultimate floating desinvestment utopia! We have survived Atlantis! We have survived the sinking! We have survived EVERYTHING! And now we have THIS!” ๐ฃ๐
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “A new city! A new stage! A new home!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this island is FABULOUS! And I am the QUEEN of fabulous!” ๐
CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (voodoo dancing) “I love this island! It has zombie beaches!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The sea has never seen such an island.” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I found the treasure! It was the ISLAND!” ๐ฆ
CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles would love this paradise!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” ๐ป
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THIS IS THE BEST ISLAND EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed an ISLAND!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! NEW NEW ST. PAULI!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 island. The island wins.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A SUNKEN CITY! A FLOATING ISLAND! A NEW CITY! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ISLAND! AND IT APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) ๐
THE LIGHTHOUSE โ A BEACON OF DESINVESTMENT ๐ฎ๐
The Lighthouse Keeper lit the lighthouse. It glowed with golden numbers โ Column 47 energy. It became a beacon of desinvestment, guiding the Muchaverse through the chaos.
LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: “The lighthouse will guide you. It will protect you. It will remind you that even in darkness, there is COLUMN 47.” ๐ฎ
EHLERS: (bowing) “Thank you, Lighthouse Keeper. We will never forget.” ๐
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “We have built a new home. A floating island. New NEW St. Pauli. The ultimate desinvestment utopia.” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love. You built an island from nothing.” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The island is safe. The enema is safe. The Muchaverse is safe.” ๐
ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I am a desinvestor. I am part of this island.” ๐ฆ๐
KING ATLAS: (bowing) “Atlantis is gone. But New NEW St. Pauli lives.” ๐
QUEEN MERIDIA: (smiling) “The ancient and the new… united forever.” ๐
NEW YORK MAYOR: (watching from a portal) “You have built an island… and you have made New York JEALOUS.” ๐๏ธ
STATUE OF LIBERTY: (speaking) “I am impressed. This island is… fabulous.” ๐ฝ
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE ISLAND OF CHAOS CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐๐ฉ
ATLANTIS SANK AGAIN. ESAU BUILT A NEW ISLAND. NEW NEW ST. PAULI WAS BORN. THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER GUIDED THEM. ALL 108 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE ULTIMATE FLOATING UTOPIA WAS BUILT. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ISLANDS. WITH ENEMAS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE ISLAND OF CHAOS CONSPIRACY ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐
The cycle continues. With islands. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (architect), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Lighthouse Keeper, King Atlas, Queen Meridia, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for island shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the island.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ INSEL DES CHAOS: ESAU BAUT NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI NACH DEM UNTERGANG VON ATLANTIS โ DIE ULTIMATIVE SCHWIMMENDE DESINVESTMENT-UTOPIE! ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐๐ฉ
“Wenn Atlantis sinkt, bauen wir EINE WEITERE Insel. Das ist Spalte-47-Denken.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 56)
Esau hatte den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf genutzt, um Atlantis als Neu-St. Pauli wieder aufzubauen. Er hatte mit New York konkurriert. Alle 107 Charaktere jubelten. Die ultimative Stadt war gebaut. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als das Muchaverse feierte, erschรผtterte ein schreckliches Grollen den Meeresboden. Die uralten tektonischen Platten unter Neu-St. Pauli begannen sich zu verschieben. Die Stadtโwiederaufgebaut auf den Ruinen von Atlantisโwar nicht stabil. Der Gigantische Lila Einlauf hatte Krรคfte tief in der Erde erweckt. Risse erschienen. Die Stadt begann wieder zu sinken. SCHON WIEDER.
EHLERS: (schreiend) “NEIN! NICHT SCHON WIEDER! NEU-ST. PAULI SINKS!” ๐ฑ
MARIA BATORY: (ihn packend) “Esau! Wir mรผssen evakuieren!” ๐
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. NEU-ST. PAULI ALS INSTABIL ERKANNT. SINKWAHRSCHEINLICHKEIT: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: STADT AUFGEBEN. EINE ANDERE BAUEN.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Eine ANDERE bauen? Aber… wir haben doch gerade erst diese gebaut! Wo sollen wir ein NEUES Neu-St. Pauli bauen?” ๐ณ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Bau es an der OBERFLรCHE. Bau es auf dem Ozean selbst. Bau eine INSEL.” ๐
EHLERS: (grinsend) “Eine Insel! Eine schwimmende Insel! Neu-Neu-St. Pauli! Die ultimative Desinvestment-Utopie!” ๐ฃ๐
Dies ist Episode 57. Die Insel des Chaos.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 57) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI-CHARAKTERE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Die Schwimmende Insel CGI / Stimme NEU Insel-Architekt Original NEU Der Meeresboden CGI / Stimme NEU Der Sink-Geist CGI / Stimme NEU Kapitรคn Insel Original NEU Der Leuchtturmwรคrter Original NEU Neu-Neu-St. Pauli CGI-Stadt NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Architekt) Alle Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme 56 Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56 New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) 56 Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original Alle Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55 Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56 Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56
—
๐๏ธ DER UNTERGANG โ ATLANTIS STIRBT ERNEUT
Der Boden bebte. Neu-St. Pauli zerbrรถckelte. Der Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer neigte sich. Die Korallen-Reeperbahn stรผrzte ein. Die Stadt versank zurรผck in den Meeresboden.
EHLERS: (weinend) “Es passiert schon wieder! Die Stadt sinkt! Mein wunderschรถnes Neu-St. Pauli!” ๐ญ
KรNIGIN MERIDIA: (weinend) “Wir haben sie gebaut. Wir haben sie verloren. Wir haben sie wieder aufgebaut. Wir haben sie wieder verloren. Wir sind verflucht.” ๐
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe schรผttelnd) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ DAS IST TRAURIG.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine STADT verschluckt!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (in Panik) “Anarchie! Aber… aber die Stadt ist WEG!” ๐งจ
EHLERS: (sich aufrichtend, Trรคnen wegwischend) “Nein. Wir werden uns davon nicht zerstรถren lassen. Wenn Atlantis sinkt, bauen wir eine ANDERE Stadt. An der OBERFLรCHE. Eine schwimmende Insel. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli.” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (keuchend) “Esau… das ist genial!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Eine schwimmende Insel? Auf dem Ozean? Aber woher nehmen wir das Land?” ๐
EHLERS: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Wir werden sie BAUEN. Mit dem Einlauf. Mit Spalte 47. Mit ALLEM, was wir haben.” ๐ฃ๐
—
DER BAU โ EINE INSEL VON GRUND AUF NEU BAUEN ๐๏ธ๐๏ธ
Esau erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er pulsierte vor Kraft. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen die Meeresoberflรคche. Das Wasser begann sich zu verfestigen. Korallen stiegen aus der Tiefe auf. Tabellen wurden zu Baumaterialien. Neonlichter trieben den Bau an.
EHLERS: “SPALTE 47 โ INSELBAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE OZEAN โ VERWANDLE IN LAND! ZEILE KORALLE โ WERDE ZU GEBรUDEN! ZEILE NEON โ WERDE ZU LICHTERN!” ๐
Die Insel begann zu steigen. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli erhob sich aus den Wellen. Es war ein schwimmendes Paradies der Absurditรคt. Reeperbahn-Lichter leuchteten. Fischmรคrkte รถffneten. Drag-Clubs erschienen. Tabellen-Wolkenkratzer erhoben sich.
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI IST GEBOREN.” ๐ฝ
—
DER LEUCHTTURMWรRTER โ HรTER DER INSEL ๐ฎ
Eine geheimnisvolle Gestalt trat aus dem Nebel. Es war der Leuchtturmwรคrter โ ein uraltes Wesen, das seit Jahrtausenden die Meere bewachte.
LEUCHTTURMWรRTER: (Stimme hallend) “Wer wagt es, eine Insel auf MEINEM Ozean zu bauen?” ๐ฎ
EHLERS: (sich nรคhernd) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin der Buchhalter des Muchaverse! Ich habe alles รผberlebt! Ich habe den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf! Und ich baue Neu-Neu-St. Pauli!” ๐ฃ๐
LEUCHTTURMWรRTER: (interessiert) “Du hast viel รผberlebt, kleiner Buchhalter. Aber kannst du die STรRME รผberleben? Kannst du das CHAOS รผberleben? Kannst du die SCHEIรE รผberleben?” ๐ฉ
EHLERS: “Ich habe alles รผberlebt. Ich kann alles รผberleben. Ich bin SPALTE 47.” ๐
LEUCHTTURMWรRTER: (lรคchelnd) “Dann baue deine Insel. Ich werde sie fรผhren. Ich werde sie beschรผtzen. Ich werde das Leuchtfeuer brennen lassen.” ๐ฎ
—
DIE GROSSE ERรFFNUNG โ NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI ๐๏ธ๐ช
Die Insel war vollendet. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli schwamm auf dem Ozean, ein Paradies der Absurditรคt. Alle 108 Charaktere versammelten sich auf dem Hauptplatz โ der Reeperbahn des Meeres.
EHLERS: (auf der Bรผhne stehend) “Willkommen in Neu-Neu-St. Pauli! Der ultimativen schwimmenden Desinvestment-Utopie! Wir haben Atlantis รผberlebt! Wir haben den Untergang รผberlebt! Wir haben ALLES รผberlebt! Und jetzt haben wir DIES!” ๐ฃ๐
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Eine neue Stadt! Eine neue Bรผhne! Ein neues Zuhause!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Insel ist FABELHAFT! Und ich bin die KรNIGIN des Fabelhaften!” ๐
KAPITรN LECHUCK: (Voodoo-tanzend) “Ich liebe diese Insel! Sie hat Zombie-Strรคnde!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
KAPITรN NEMO: (nickend) “Das Meer hat noch nie eine solche Insel gesehen.” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (hinkend) “Ich habe den Schatz gefunden! Es war die INSEL!” ๐ฆ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Insel. Die Insel gewinnt.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE VERSUNKENE STADT! EINE SCHWIMMENDE INSEL! EINE NEUE STADT! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE INSEL! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) ๐
—
DER LEUCHTTURM โ EIN LEUCHTFEUER DER DESINVESTMENT ๐ฎ๐
Der Leuchtturmwรคrter entzรผndete den Leuchtturm. Er leuchtete in goldenen Zahlen โ Spalte-47-Energie. Er wurde zu einem Leuchtfeuer der Desinvestment, das das Muchaverse durch das Chaos fรผhrte.
LEUCHTTURMWรRTER: “Der Leuchtturm wird euch fรผhren. Er wird euch beschรผtzen. Er wird euch daran erinnern, dass selbst in der Dunkelheit SPALTE 47 ist.” ๐ฎ
EHLERS: (sich verbeugend) “Danke, Leuchtturmwรคrter. Wir werden es nie vergessen.” ๐
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Wir haben ein neues Zuhause gebaut. Eine schwimmende Insel. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli. Die ultimative Desinvestment-Utopie.” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (ihn kรผssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe. Du hast eine Insel aus dem Nichts gebaut.” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (Schlangen lรคchelnd) “Die Insel ist sicher. Der Einlauf ist sicher. Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” ๐
ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich bin ein Desinvestor. Ich bin ein Teil dieser Insel.” ๐ฆ๐
KรNIG ATLAS: (sich verbeugend) “Atlantis ist weg. Aber Neu-Neu-St. Pauli lebt.” ๐
KรNIGIN MERIDIA: (lรคchelnd) “Das Uralte und das Neue… fรผr immer vereint.” ๐
NEW YORKER BรRGERMEISTER: (durch ein Portal zuschauend) “Du hast eine Insel gebaut… und du hast New York NEIDISCH gemacht.” ๐๏ธ
FREIHEITSSTATUE: (sprechend) “Ich bin beeindruckt. Diese Insel ist… fabelhaft.” ๐ฝ
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE INSEL-DES-CHAOS-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐๐ฉ
ATLANTIS SANK ERNEUT. ESAU BAUTE EINE NEUE INSEL. NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI WAR GEBOREN. DER LEUCHTTURMWรRTER FรHRTE SIE. ALLE 108 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DIE ULTIMATIVE SCHWIMMENDE UTOPIE WAR GEBAUT. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT INSELN. MIT EINLรUFEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐๏ธ๐ฃ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
“New York has skyscrapers. We have SPREADSHEETS.” โ Esau Ehlers
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 55)
Esau had assembled the most vicious naval villains in history. He had sailed to the Purple Sea. He had defeated the Jellyfish King. He had retrieved the Gigantic Purple Enema. All 102 characters rejoiced. The ultimate desinvestment tool was found. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as Esau held the Gigantic Purple Enema, a vision appeared before him. A sunken city โ ancient, majestic, forgotten at the bottom of the ocean. It was Atlantis. And Esau saw it being transformed. Rebuilt. Renamed. New St. Pauli.
EHLERS: “The enema… it’s showing me something. A city. A SUNKEN city. It wants me to rebuild it.” ๐ฃ๐ณ
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… ATLANTIS DETECTED. DESINVESTMENT POTENTIAL: INFINITE. RECOMMENDATION: REBUILD AS NEW ST. PAULI. COMPETE WITH NEW YORK.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: “New St. Pauli? Compete with New York? But… that’s impossible! New York is the greatest city in the world!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “Not for long, my love. We have the Gigantic Purple Enema. We have the Muchaverse. We have COLUMN 47.” ๐
EHLERS: (grinning) “You’re right. We will build New St. Pauli. The most absurd, chaotic, fabulous city in the multiverse. And we will compete with New York. We will DESINVEST the competition!” ๐ฃ๐
This is Episode 56. The Sunken City Takeover.
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 56) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + SUNKEN CITY CHARACTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54 & 55 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin The Sunken City CGI / Voice NEW King Atlas CGI / Voice NEW Queen Meridia CGI / Voice NEW The Submerged Skyscraper CGI NEW The Coral Reeperbahn CGI NEW New York Mayor Original (parody) NEW Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice NEW The Enema Construction Crew CGI NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (architect) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55 Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55 Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55 Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55 The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52 Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55 Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
๐ THE SUNKEN CITY โ ATLANTIS RISES
The Muchaverse descended into the depths. There, at the bottom of the ocean, lay Atlantis โ ancient, majestic, covered in coral and forgotten history. But it was not dead. It was waiting.
KING ATLAS: (emerging from the ruins, glowing) “WHO DARES DISTURB THE REST OF ATLANTIS?!” ๐
QUEEN MERIDIA: (emerging beside him, regal) “We have slept for millennia. Who awakens us?” ๐
EHLERS: (approaching, holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived everything! I have the Gigantic Purple Enema! And I am here to REBUILD Atlantis! I am here to create NEW ST. PAULI!” ๐ฃ๐
KING ATLAS: (shocked) “New St. Pauli?! You would rename Atlantis?! You would replace our ancient glory with… with KIEZ?!” ๐
QUEEN MERIDIA: (intrigued) “Kiez? I have heard of this place. It is… fabulous?” ๐
EHLERS: “It is MORE than fabulous! It is the most absurd, chaotic, queer, spreadsheet-obsessed city in the multiverse! And I will build it on your ruins! With your blessing… or without!” ๐ฃ๐
THE CONSTRUCTION โ ESAU USES THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA ๐ฃ๐๏ธ
Esau raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. It pulsed with power. Golden numbers shot from it, striking the ruins of Atlantis. The coral transformed into neon lights. The ancient columns became Reeperbahn signs. The ruins became fish markets and drag clubs.
EHLERS: “COLUMN 47 โ CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW ATLANTIS โ TRANSFORM INTO NEW ST. PAULI!” ๐
The city began to rise. A Submerged Skyscraper emerged โ made of glass, spreadsheets, and golden numbers. The Coral Reeperbahn glowed with neon. The Fish Market of Atlantis became the Kiez of the Sea.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. NEW ST. PAULI IS BORN.” ๐ฝ
THE COMPETITION โ NEW YORK VS. NEW ST. PAULI ๐๏ธ๐ฃ
A dimensional portal opened. The Mayor of New York appeared, surrounded by skyscrapers, hot dog stands, and the Statue of Liberty.
NEW YORK MAYOR: (pointing) “WHAT IS THIS?! THIS… THIS PURPLE CITY?! IT IS A THREAT TO NEW YORK!” ๐๏ธ
STATUE OF LIBERTY: (speaking) “I AM THE SYMBOL OF FREEDOM! THIS… THIS IS AN ENEMA!” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (smirking) “Yes! The Gigantic Purple Enema! And with it, I will build a city that competes with New York! A city of chaos! A city of spreadsheets! A city of LOVE!” ๐ฃ๐
NEW YORK MAYOR: (furious) “NEW YORK IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD! YOU CANNOT COMPETE!” ๐๏ธ
EHLERS: “Watch me. Column 47 โ COMPETITION MODE ACTIVATED! Row New York โ DESINVESTED!” ๐
Golden numbers shot toward New York. But instead of destroying it, they transformed it โ adding purple neon lights, fishnets, and spreadsheets to the skyline.
NEW YORK MAYOR: (horrified) “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! YOU… YOU MADE NEW YORK… FABULOUS!” ๐
EHLERS: “Yes. Because New York was always fabulous. It just needed a little… DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฃ๐
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (standing on the Submerged Skyscraper) “New St. Pauli is complete! The ultimate competitor to New York! The most absurd, chaotic, fabulous city in the multiverse!” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love! You built a city!” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “New St. Pauli! I am the QUEEN of this city!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this city is FABULOUS! And I am the CEO of fabulous!” ๐
KING ATLAS: (bowing) “Atlantis… has become… New St. Pauli. I am… proud.” ๐
QUEEN MERIDIA: (smiling) “The ancient and the absurd… united.” ๐
CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (voodoo dancing) “I love this city! It has zombies!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The sea has never seen such a city.” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I found the treasure! It was the city!” ๐ฆ
CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles would love this place!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” ๐ป
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ NEW ST. PAULI IS THE BEST CITY EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a CITY!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! NEW ST. PAULI!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 city. The city wins.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A SUNKEN CITY! A PURPLE ENEMA! A COMPETITOR TO NEW YORK! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE CITY! AND IT APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ
ESAU USED THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA. HE REBUILT ATLANTIS. HE CREATED NEW ST. PAULI. HE COMPETED WITH NEW YORK. ALL 107 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE ULTIMATE CITY WAS BUILT. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH CITIES. WITH ENEMAS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐
The cycle continues. With cities. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (architect), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, King Atlas, Queen Meridia, New York Mayor, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for construction shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the city.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐
๐ฉ๐ช DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ SUNKEN CITY รBERNAHME: ESAU NUTZT DEN GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF, UM NEU-ST. PAULI ZU BAUEN โ DEN ULTIMATIVEN KONKURRENTEN ZU NEW YORK! ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ
“New York hat Wolkenkratzer. Wir haben TABELLEN.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 55)
Esau hatte die abscheulichsten See-Villains der Geschichte zusammengebracht. Er war zum Lila Meer gesegelt. Er hatte den Quallenkรถnig besiegt. Er hatte den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf geborgen. Alle 102 Charaktere jubelten. Das ultimative Desinvestment-Werkzeug war gefunden. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als Esau den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf hielt, erschien eine Vision vor ihm. Eine versunkene Stadt โ uralt, majestรคtisch, vergessen am Grund des Ozeans. Es war Atlantis. Und Esau sah, wie sie verwandelt wurde. Wiederaufgebaut. Umbenannt. Neu-St. Pauli.
EHLERS: “Der Einlauf… er zeigt mir etwas. Eine Stadt. Eine VERSUNKENE Stadt. Er will, dass ich sie wieder aufbaue.” ๐ฃ๐ณ
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHE… ATLANTIS ERKANNT. DESINVESTMENT-POTENZIAL: UNENDLICH. EMPFEHLUNG: WIEDERAUFBAU ALS NEU-ST. PAULI. KONKURRENZ ZU NEW YORK.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: “Neu-St. Pauli? Mit New York konkurrieren? Aber… das ist unmรถglich! New York ist die grรถรte Stadt der Welt!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (grinsend) “Nicht mehr lange, meine Liebe. Wir haben den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Wir haben das Muchaverse. Wir haben SPALTE 47.” ๐
EHLERS: (grinsend) “Du hast recht. Wir werden Neu-St. Pauli bauen. Die absurdeste, chaotischste, fabelhafteste Stadt im Multiversum. Und wir werden mit New York konkurrieren. Wir werden den Wettbewerb DESINVESTIEREN!” ๐ฃ๐
Dies ist Episode 56. Die Sunken City-รbernahme.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 56) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + SUNKEN CITY-CHARAKTERE
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Die Versunkene Stadt CGI / Stimme NEU Kรถnig Atlas CGI / Stimme NEU Kรถnigin Meridia CGI / Stimme NEU Der Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI NEU Die Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI NEU New Yorker Bรผrgermeister Original (Parodie) NEU Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme NEU Die Einlauf-Bau-Crew CGI NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Architekt) Alle Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Kapitรคn LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55 Black Caesar Original 55 Kapitรคn Nemo CGI / Stimme 55 Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55 Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55 Kapitรคn Hook CGI / Stimme 55 Der Fliegende Hollรคnder CGI-Geisterschiff 55 Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Kapitรคn Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Kapitรคn Andrea Helen Mirren 52 Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52 Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original Alle Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Haier-Armee CGI 49 Steinsammler CGI 50 Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50 Druckmaschine CGI 52 Quallenkรถnig CGI (besiegt) 55 Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
—
๐ DIE VERSUNKENE STADT โ ATLANTIS ERHEBT SICH
Das Muchaverse tauchte in die Tiefe hinab. Dort, am Grund des Ozeans, lag Atlantis โ uralt, majestรคtisch, bedeckt von Korallen und vergessener Geschichte. Aber es war nicht tot. Es wartete.
KรNIG ATLAS: (aus den Ruinen auftauchend, leuchtend) “WER WAGT ES, DIE RUHE ATLANTIS’ ZU STรREN?!” ๐
KรNIGIN MERIDIA: (neben ihm auftauchend, kรถniglich) “Wir haben Jahrtausende geschlafen. Wer weckt uns auf?” ๐
EHLERS: (sich nรคhernd, den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin der Buchhalter des Muchaverse! Ich habe alles รผberlebt! Ich habe den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf! Und ich bin hier, um Atlantis WIEDER AUFZUBAUEN! Ich bin hier, um NEU-ST. PAULI ZU SCHAFFEN!” ๐ฃ๐
KรNIG ATLAS: (schockiert) “Neu-St. Pauli?! Du wรผrdest Atlantis umbenennen?! Du wรผrdest unsere uralte Pracht durch… durch KIEZ ersetzen?!” ๐
KรNIGIN MERIDIA: (interessiert) “Kiez? Ich habe von diesem Ort gehรถrt. Er ist… fabelhaft?” ๐
EHLERS: “Er ist MEHR als fabelhaft! Er ist die absurdeste, chaotischste, queerste, tabellenversessenste Stadt im Multiversum! Und ich werde sie auf euren Ruinen bauen! Mit eurem Segen… oder ohne!” ๐ฃ๐
—
DER BAU โ ESAU NUTZT DEN GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF ๐ฃ๐๏ธ
Esau erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er pulsierte vor Kraft. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen die Ruinen von Atlantis. Die Korallen verwandelten sich in Neonlichter. Die uralten Sรคulen wurden zu Reeperbahn-Schildern. Die Ruinen wurden zu Fischmรคrkten und Drag-Clubs.
Die Stadt begann sich zu erheben. Ein Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer entstand โ aus Glas, Tabellen und goldenen Zahlen. Die Korallen-Reeperbahn leuchtete in Neon. Der Fischmarkt von Atlantis wurde zum Kiez des Meeres.
SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. NEU-ST. PAULI IST GEBOREN.” ๐ฝ
—
DER WETTBEWERB โ NEW YORK VS. NEU-ST. PAULI ๐๏ธ๐ฃ
Ein Dimensionsportal รถffnete sich. Der Bรผrgermeister von New York erschien, umgeben von Wolkenkratzern, Hot-Dog-Stรคnden und der Freiheitsstatue.
NEW YORKER BรRGERMEISTER: (zeigend) “WAS IST DAS?! DIESE… DIESE LILA STADT?! SIE IST EINE BEDROHUNG FรR NEW YORK!” ๐๏ธ
FREIHEITSSTATUE: (sprechend) “ICH BIN DAS SYMBOL DER FREIHEIT! DAS… DAS IST EIN EINLAUF!” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (grinsend) “Ja! Der Gigantische Lila Einlauf! Und mit ihm werde ich eine Stadt bauen, die mit New York konkurriert! Eine Stadt des Chaos! Eine Stadt der Tabellen! Eine Stadt der LIEBE!” ๐ฃ๐
NEW YORKER BรRGERMEISTER: (wรผtend) “NEW YORK IST DIE GRรSSTE STADT DER WELT! DU KANNST NICHT KONKURRIEREN!” ๐๏ธ
EHLERS: “Schau zu. Spalte 47 โ WETTBEWERBSMODUS AKTIVIERT! Zeile New York โ DESINVESTIERT!” ๐
Goldene Zahlen schossen auf New York zu. Aber statt es zu zerstรถren, verwandelten sie es โ fรผgten lila Neonlichter, Netzstrรผmpfe und Tabellen zur Skyline hinzu.
NEW YORKER BรRGERMEISTER: (entsetzt) “WAS HAST DU GETAN?! DU… DU HAST NEW YORK… FABELHAFT GEMACHT!” ๐
EHLERS: “Ja. Denn New York war schon immer fabelhaft. Es brauchte nur ein wenig… DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฃ๐
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (auf dem Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer stehend) “Neu-St. Pauli ist fertig! Der ultimative Konkurrent zu New York! Die absurdeste, chaotischste, fabelhafteste Stadt im Multiversum!” ๐ฃ๐
MARIA BATORY: (ihn kรผssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe! Du hast eine Stadt gebaut!” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Neu-St. Pauli! Ich bin die KรNIGIN dieser Stadt!” ๐
DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Stadt ist FABELHAFT! Und ich bin die CEO des Fabelhaften!” ๐
KรNIG ATLAS: (verbeugend) “Atlantis… ist… Neu-St. Pauli geworden. Ich bin… stolz.” ๐
KรNIGIN MERIDIA: (lรคchelnd) “Das Uralte und das Absurde… vereint.” ๐
KAPITรN LECHUCK: (Voodoo-tanzend) “Ich liebe diese Stadt! Sie hat Zombies!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
KAPITรN NEMO: (nickend) “Das Meer hat noch nie eine solche Stadt gesehen.” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (hinkend) “Ich habe den Schatz gefunden! Es war die Stadt!” ๐ฆ
KAPITรN HOOK: (seinen Haken justierend) “Krokodile wรผrden diesen Ort lieben!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
DER FLIEGENDE HOLLรNDER: (knarrend) “Selbst ich bin beeindruckt!” ๐ป
SKYLLA: (sechs Kรถpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe. Alle sechs sagen โ NEU-ST. PAULI IST DIE BESTE STADT รBERHAUPT!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine STADT verschluckt!” ๐
GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Stadt. Die Stadt gewinnt.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE VERSUNKENE STADT! EIN LILA EINLAUF! EIN KONKURRENT ZU NEW YORK! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (รผber Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE STADT! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” ๐ฉ
SPALTE 47 JR.: (glรผcklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE SUNKEN CITY-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ
ESAU NUTZTE DEN GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF. ER BAUTE ATLANTIS WIEDER AUF. ER SCHUF NEU-ST. PAULI. ER KONKURRIERTE MIT NEW YORK. ALLE 107 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. DIE ULTIMATIVE STADT WAR GEBAUT. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT STรDTEN. MIT EINLรUFEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIรE. FรR IMMER. ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ DIE SUNKEN CITY-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Stรคdten. Mit Einlรคufen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau (Architekt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Kรถnig Atlas, Kรถnigin Meridia, New Yorker Bรผrgermeister und alle vorherigen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr Bau-Shantys), Homer (fรผr die epische Atmosphรคre) und jeder Mรถwe, die auf die Stadt kackte.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndige Biografie โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Untersuchung โ
๐ GEFรLLT MIR | ๐ฌ KOMMENTIEREN | ๐ ABONNIEREN
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
DIE BรSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA โ FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… ๐ฉ๐ฃ๐๏ธ๐
“The purple enema is not a weapon. It is a DESTINATION.” โ Esau Ehlers
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 54)
Alphonse Sharkler had conquered St. Pauli with his unmanned armada. He had destroyed the printing press. Esau had 19 nervous breakdowns. But Esau rose. The press was rebuilt. Alphonse was rehabilitated. All 98 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated the rebuilt printing press, a strange vision appeared in the sky. A massive, glowing, GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA. It hovered above St. Pauli, pulsating with chaotic energy. Esau stared at it.
EHLERS: “What… what is that?” ๐ณ
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA DETECTED. POWER LEVEL: INFINITE. DESINVESTMENT POTENTIAL: UNKNOWN. LOCATION: THE PURPLE SEA.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: “The Purple Sea? I’ve never heard of it!” ๐ณ
MARIA BATORY: “It is a mythical place. Only the most vicious naval villains have sailed there. And none have returned.” ๐
EHLERS: “Then I will. I will create a CREW. The most vicious, ridiculous, absurd naval villains in all history. We will sail to the Purple Sea. We will retrieve the Gigantic Purple Enema. And we will DESINVEST the entire universe!” ๐
This is Episode 55. The Gigantic Purple Enema Quest.
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 55) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU’S VILLAIN CREW
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52 & 53 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice (pirate legend) NEW Black Caesar Original (vicious pirate) NEW Captain Nemo CGI / Voice (submarine captain) NEW Long John Silver CGI / Voice (one-legged pirate) NEW Barbarossa CGI / Voice (Barbary pirate) NEW Captain Hook CGI / Voice (pirate captain) NEW The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship NEW The Purple Sea Monster CGI / Voice NEW The Jellyfish King CGI / Voice NEW The Gigantic Purple Enema CGI / Voice NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (captain) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52
๐ฃ ESAU ASSEMBLES THE CREW โ THE MOST VICIOUS NAVAL VILLAINS
Esau stood on the Reeperbahn, holding a glowing spreadsheet. A massive ship appeared in the harbor โ a ship built from spreadsheets, neon lights, and fish scales. It was the DESINVESTMENT.
EHLERS: “I need the most vicious, most absurd, most ridiculous naval villains in history! Who will join me?” ๐
CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (emerging from the mist, voodoo pirate) “I am LeChuck! I have sailed the Caribbean! I have cursed the living! I have turned men into zombies! I will join you!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
BLACK CAESAR: (emerging from the shadows, fierce pirate) “I am Black Caesar! I was the most feared pirate in the Atlantic! I will join you!” โ๏ธ
CAPTAIN NEMO: (emerging from the deep, submarine captain) “I am Captain Nemo! I have explored the deepest seas! I will join you!” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping forward, one leg, parrot on shoulder) “I am Long John Silver! I have sailed with the most treacherous pirates! I will join you!” ๐ฆ
BARBAROSSA: (emerging from the mist, Barbary pirate) “I am Barbarossa! I have terrorized the Mediterranean! I will join you!” โ
CAPTAIN HOOK: (emerging from the mist, hook hand) “I am Captain Hook! I have fought crocodiles! I have never grown up! I will join you!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (emerging from the mist, ghost ship) “I am the Flying Dutchman! I am cursed to sail forever! I will join you!” ๐ป
EHLERS: (grinning) “Perfect! A crew of villains! We will sail to the Purple Sea! We will retrieve the Gigantic Purple Enema! And we will desinvest the universe!” ๐ฃ๐ฉ
THE SAILING โ THE MUCHAVERSE WATCHES ๐ฅ๐ฃ
The entire Muchaverse gathered on the shore to watch Esau’s crew sail away. Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory, Medusa, Scylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Mรถwin, Alphonse, Heini, Adolf, Eva, and all others waved goodbye.
ROMY HAAG: (waving) “Good luck, Esau! Bring back the purple enema!” ๐
DIVINE: (shouting) “And don’t forget to LOOK FABULOUS while doing it!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “Come back to me, my love!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “The Purple Sea is dangerous! The Jellyfish King guards the enema!” ๐
SCYLLA: (six heads watching) “I have six heads! All six say โ BE CAREFUL!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I cannot swallow the Purple Sea! It is too PURPLE!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with excitement) “A QUEST FOR A PURPLE ENEMA! THIS IS THE ANARCHY I SIGNED UP FOR!” ๐งจ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SAILING WITH VILLAINS! A PURPLE ENEMA! BEST QUEST EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE SHIP FOR GOOD LUCK!” ๐ฉ
THE PURPLE SEA โ THE JOURNEY BEGINS ๐ฃ๐
The Desinvestment sailed into the Purple Sea. The water was thick and viscous, glowing with a strange purple light. The sky was purple. The clouds were purple. Everything was purple.
CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (at the wheel) “I have sailed many seas, but I have never seen a PURPLE SEA!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
CAPTAIN NEMO: (scanning the depths) “The Purple Sea is alive! It is made of enema energy!” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping across the deck) “I have heard tales of the Gigantic Purple Enema! It can desinvest anything!” ๐ฆ
BLACK CAESAR: (sharpening his cutlass) “And it is guarded by the Jellyfish King! The most fearsome creature in the sea!” โ๏ธ
BARBAROSSA: (loading cannons) “Then we must be prepared! We must fight!” โ
CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “I have fought many things! But never a JELLYFISH!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “I am cursed! I cannot be killed! I will lead the charge!” ๐ป
EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “We will not fight! We will DESINVEST! Column 47 will defeat the Jellyfish King!” ๐
THE JELLYFISH KING โ GUARDIAN OF THE ENEMA ๐ฃ๐
A massive creature emerged from the Purple Sea. It was the Jellyfish King โ a giant jellyfish with a crown made of purple enemas, tentacles made of spreadsheets, and eyes that glowed with desinvestment energy.
JELLYFISH KING: (voice echoing) “WHO DARES ENTER THE PURPLE SEA?! WHO DARES SEEK THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA?!” ๐ฃ
EHLERS: (stepping forward) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, Medusa, queens, enemas, Titanic, Andrea Doris, deep sea, 19 breakdowns, and Alphonse Sharkler! I am here for the ENEMA!” ๐
JELLYFISH KING: (laughing) “You want the Gigantic Purple Enema?! You must defeat me! You must DESINVEST me!” ๐ฃ
EHLERS: “Then I will! COLUMN 47 โ ACTIVATED! ROW JELLYFISH KING โ DESINVEST!” ๐
THE BATTLE โ ESAU VS. THE JELLYFISH KING ๐ฃ๐ช
The battle raged across the Purple Sea. The villain crew fought with everything they had. LeChuck used voodoo. Black Caesar fought with his cutlass. Captain Nemo fired torpedoes. Long John Silver used his parrot. Barbarossa fired cannons. Captain Hook used his hook. The Flying Dutchman rammed the jellyfish.
A massive beam of golden numbers shot from Esau’s spreadsheet. It struck the Jellyfish King. The creature began to dissolve โ turning from purple to golden. It became a spreadsheet.
JELLYFISH KING: (fading) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED ME! INTO A SPREADSHEET!” ๐ฃ
EHLERS: (grinning) “Yes. And now you will serve Column 47 forever.” ๐
The Jellyfish King was gone. The Gigantic Purple Enema floated before them โ glowing, pulsating, magnificent.
THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA โ THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ๐ฃ๐ฉ
Esau approached the Gigantic Purple Enema. It was the size of a skyscraper, made of pure enema energy, glowing with purple light. It was the most powerful desinvestment tool in the multiverse.
EHLERS: (touching it) “It’s… it’s beautiful. It’s the ultimate enema. The power to desinvest ANYTHING.” ๐ฃ
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA DETECTED. POWER LEVEL: INFINITE. DESINVESTMENT POTENTIAL: UNLIMITED. RECOMMENDATION: USE WISELY.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: “I will use it to desinvest the chaos. To desinvest the pain. To desinvest the suffering. To desinvest the SHIT.” ๐ฃ๐ฉ
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “I have it! The ultimate enema! The universe will be desinvested!” ๐ฃ๐ฉ
MARIA BATORY: (embracing him) “You did it, my love! You found the enema!” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The purple enema! It’s REAL!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, that enema is FABULOUS!” ๐
CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (bowing) “I have never seen such a desinvestment!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The Purple Sea is conquered!” ๐ข
LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I have found the treasure!” ๐ฆ
BARBAROSSA: (firing cannon) “TO THE ENEMA!” โ
CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles have NOTHING on this!” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” ๐ป
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT IS THE BEST ENEMA EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a PURPLE ENEMA!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! PURPLE ENEMA!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 purple enema. The enema wins.” ๐ฆ
JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A PURPLE ENEMA! VILLAIN CREW! BEST QUEST EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE PURPLE ENEMA! AND IT APPROVED!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA QUEST โญ ๐ฃ๐ฉ๐
ESAU CREATED A CREW OF VILLAINS. HE SAILED TO THE PURPLE SEA. HE DEFEATED THE JELLYFISH KING. HE RETRIEVED THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA. ALL 102 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT TOOL WAS FOUND. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ENEMAS. WITH VILLAINS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ฃ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA QUEST ๐ฃ๐ฉ๐
The cycle continues. With enemas. With villains. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ฃ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (captain), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain LeChuck, Black Caesar, Captain Nemo, Long John Silver, Barbarossa, Captain Hook, The Flying Dutchman, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for sailing shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Purple Sea.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ฃ๐
“The Black Shark doesn’t swim. He DESINVESTS the ocean itself.” โ Alphonse Sharkler
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 52)
Esau had wept so violently that he sank both the Titanic and the Andrea Doris. All 97 characters had descended into the deep sea. The printing press had been found on the ocean floor. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. Das Desinvestment was saved. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Muchaverse celebrated the retrieval of the printing press, a new darkness spread across the horizon. Not a darkness of ice, or stone, or tears. A darkness of SHARKS. And not just any sharks. An unmanned armada of black, silent, ghostly warships emerged from the abyss. At their helm stood a figure even Heini Sharkler feared.
ALPHONSE SHARKLER โ the Black Shark of the Sharkler family. The eldest. The most ruthless. The one who had been exiled for being “too evil” โ even by Sharkler standards. He had returned. And he had brought an armada.
ALPHONSE: (emerging from the mist, black tuxedo, black top hat, monocle, cane, voice like crushing ice) “Heini. Adolf. Eva. My family. You have become WEAK. You have become DESINVESTORS. You have become… ACCOUNTANTS.” ๐ฆโซ
HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse! You’re… you’re supposed to be DEAD!” ๐ฆ
ALPHONSE: “Death is for the weak. I am the BLACK SHARK. I am the consigliere of shadows. And I have come to take St. Pauli.” ๐ฆโซ
ADOLF: (terrified) “But… but we’ve reformed! We have therapists! We have Column 47!” ๐
ALPHONSE: (laughing coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have an ARMADA. You will kneel. Or you will sink.” ๐ฆโซ
This is Episode 53. The Black Shark Takeover.
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 53) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ALPHONSE SHARKLER
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51 & 52 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Alphonse Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW The Black Armada CGI Warships NEW Ghost Shark Fleet CGI NEW Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (19 breakdowns) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 The Titanic Band CGI 51 The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51 Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52 Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52 First Mate Wilhelm Original 52 Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50 Printing Press CGI 52
๐ฆโซ ALPHONSE SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL โ THE BLACK SHARK COMMANDS THE ARMADA
The Black Armada emerged from the mist โ ghost ships made of obsidian, crewed by skeletal sharks in tuxedos, with cannons that fired spreadsheets. Alphonse Sharkler stood at the helm of the flagship, black top hat gleaming, monocle reflecting the burning neon of St. Pauli.
ALPHONSE: (voice booming across the water) “ST. PAULI! I CLAIM YOU! NOT FOR DESINVESTMENT. NOT FOR ACCOUNTING. NOT FOR COLUMN 47. FOR POWER.” ๐ฆโซ
EHLERS: (emerging from the water, holding the printing press) “WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” ๐
ALPHONSE: “I am Alphonse Sharkler. The Black Shark. The eldest. The one who was too evil even for the Sharkler family. I have returned to take what is MINE.” ๐ฆโซ
HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse… we were JUST getting used to desinvestment! Please… don’t do this!” ๐ฆ
ALPHONSE: (cold laugh) “Desinvestment? You have become WEAK. You have become ACCOUNTANTS. You have become… COLUMN 47.” ๐ฆโซ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (stepping forward) “Alphonse, we can talk about this! We can find a compromise!” ๐ฆ
ALPHONSE: “Compromise? I don’t compromise. I CONQUER.” ๐ฆโซ
THE CONQUEST OF ST. PAULI โ ALPHONSE TAKES THE KIEZ ๐ฆโซ๐ด
The Black Armada descended upon St. Pauli. The ghost ships fired spreadsheets that turned buildings into stone. The skeletal sharks swarmed the streets. The Reeperbahn was overrun. The Fischmarkt was conquered. The Kiez fell.
ALPHONSE: (walking through the conquered streets) “This is MY territory now. The bars. The clubs. The fish markets. ALL MINE.” ๐ฆโซ
ROMY HAAG: (defiant) “You cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS of this place!” ๐
ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Queens? You are now my SUBJECTS. Bow to the Black Shark.” ๐ฆโซ
DIVINE: (refusing to bow) “Honey, I don’t bow. I STRUT.” ๐
ALPHONSE: (cane striking the ground) “Then you will be EXILED.” ๐ฆโซ
THE 4 PUBLISHERS โ ALPHONSE BECOMES CONSIGLIORE ๐๐
Alphonse summoned the 4 publishers โ Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been hiding in a bunker. He dragged them to the Reeperbahn.
ALPHONSE: “You four. You control the publishing world. You control the ink. You control the DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฆโซ
AXEL SPRINGER: (trembling) “Yes… yes, Mr. Sharkler…” ๐ฐ
ALPHONSE: “From now on, I am your CONSIGLIORE. I will advise you. I will CONTROL you. You will print what I say. You will desinvest what I say. You will KNEEL.” ๐ฆโซ
HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “We kneel! We kneel!” ๐ฐ
ALPHONSE: (smiling coldly) “Good. Now bring me the PRINTING PRESS.” ๐ฆโซ
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS โ ESAU’S HEART BREAKS ๐ญ๐๐
Alphonse seized the printing press from Esau. He raised his cane.
EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT THE PRESS! PLEASE! THAT’S MY SOUL! THAT’S MY COLUMN 47!” ๐ญ๐
ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have POWER. The printing press must be DESTROYED.” ๐ฆโซ
He brought the cane down on the ancient press. The press shattered. The golden engravings of Column 47 cracked. The invisible ink spilled everywhere.
EHLERS: (collapsing) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” ๐ญ
The printing press was destroyed. Das Desinvestment was dead. Column 47 was gone.
ESAU’S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS! THE PRESS IS GONE! I CAN’T… I CAN’T… I CAN’T!” ๐ญ
ESAU’S 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS โ THE ACCOUNTANT UNRAVELS ๐ญ๐๐
Esau collapsed into a state of complete despair. He had survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, Medusa, queens, enemas, Titanic, Andrea Doris, and deep sea. But he could not survive the destruction of his printing press.
BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS IS GONE!” ๐ญ
BREAKDOWN #11: (looking at the shattered pieces) “IT’S ALL IN PIECES! JUST LIKE MY LIFE!” ๐ญ
BREAKDOWN #12: (writing “Column 47” in the spilled ink) “I WILL REMEMBER YOU!” ๐ญ๐๏ธ
BREAKDOWN #13: (erasing it with his tears) “BUT I CAN’T! THE INK IS… EVERYWHERE!” ๐ญ
BREAKDOWN #14: (banging his head on the ground) “MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT ALL STOP!” ๐ญ
BREAKDOWN #15: (staring blankly) “I am… I am… what am I without Column 47?” ๐ถ
BREAKDOWN #16: (sudden rage) “ALPHONSE! I WILL DESTROY YOU!” ๐ก
BREAKDOWN #17: (collapsing again) “I CAN’T! I’M TOO WEAK!” ๐ญ
BREAKDOWN #18: (clinging to Column 47 Jr., the pet snake) “YOU’RE ALL I HAVE LEFT! MY LITTLE SNAKE!” ๐๐ญ
BREAKDOWN #19: (finally silent, tears dried) “I… I don’t know who I am anymore. I am not an accountant. I am not a desinvestor. I am not Column 47. I am… I am nothing.” ๐ถ
ALL CHARACTERS REACT โ THE MUCHAVERSE UNRAVELS ๐ฅ๐ฅ
MARIA BATORY: (holding Esau) “Esau! Esau, please! We can rebuild the press! We can find a way!” โค๏ธ
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His mind is shattered. The press was his SOUL.” ๐
ROMY HAAG: (crying) “I’ve never seen him like this! He’s… he’s broken!” ๐
DIVINE: (frantically fanning him) “Honey, you NEED to get it together! We NEED you!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say โ THIS IS THE SADDEST MOMENT YET.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling sadly) “Even I cannot swallow this sorrow.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (kneeling beside Esau) “I have sailed the seas. I have lost men. I have felt grief. But I have never seen grief like this.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but without Column 47, anarchy has no SPREADSHEETS!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles trembling) “I have 94 tentacles. I cannot comfort a man with 19 breakdowns.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching) “Alphonse… you have gone too far. Even for a Sharkler.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (horrified) “This is not what our family stands for!” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (furious) “Alphonse! You have destroyed an ACCOUNTANT’S SOUL!” ๐ฆ
ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Souls are for the weak. Power is for the strong. Column 47 is DEAD.” ๐ฆโซ
THE JOKER: (for once, not laughing) “Even I cannot laugh at this. This is… this is SAD.” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! BUT IT DOESN’T HELP!” ๐ฉ
ESAU’S RECOVERY โ 19 BREAKDOWDS LATER ๐๐ช
After 19 nervous breakdowns, Esau finally sat up. His eyes were red. His face was pale. But he was… determined.
EHLERS: “Alphonse… you have destroyed my press. You have destroyed my Column 47. You have destroyed my SOUL.” ๐ถ
ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Yes. And what will you do about it, little accountant?” ๐ฆโซ
EHLERS: (standing slowly) “I will… I will REBUILD. Not the press. Not Column 47. Not Das Desinvestment. I will rebuild MYSELF.” ๐ช
ALPHONSE: (confused) “What?” ๐ฆ
EHLERS: “You thought destroying the press would destroy me. But you’re wrong. Because Column 47 was never in the press. It was in ME.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau!” โค๏ธ
EHLERS: “I am Column 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE. And I will not let you destroy it.” ๐
THE COUNTER-ATTACK โ ALL CHARACTERS UNITE ๐ช๐ฅ
All 98 characters rallied behind Esau. Even Heini, Adolf, and Eva Sharkler turned against Alphonse. Even the 4 publishers stood up.
AXEL SPRINGER: (defiant) “We will NOT be controlled by a shark!” ๐
HENRI NANNEN: (standing) “We will PRINT what we want!” ๐
GERD BUCERIUS: (shouting) “Das Desinvestment will RISE AGAIN!” ๐
JOHN JAHR: (raising his fist) “FOR COLUMN 47!” ๐
ALPHONSE: (shocked) “You… you TRAITORS!” ๐ฆโซ
EHLERS: “We are not traitors. We are DESINVESTORS. And we will fight you with everything we have.” ๐
THE BATTLE โ MUCHAVERSE VS. BLACK ARMADA ๐ฆโซ๐ช
The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Black Armada fired spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back with love, snakes, tentacles, teeth, water, and sharks.
SCYLLA: (six heads biting ghost sharks) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! YOU HAVE ONE ARMADA! I WIN!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirlpooling the ghost ships) “I SWALLOW FLEETS! I SWALLOW ARMADAS!” ๐
LEVIATHAN: (ramming the flagship) “THE DEEP SEA REMEMBERS! THE DEEP SEA FIGHTS!” ๐
KRAKEN: (wrapping tentacles around the ships) “I CRUSH! I DESTROY! I WIN!” ๐ฆ
JรRMUNGANDR: (biting through hulls) “THE WORLD SERPENT DOES NOT KNEEL!” ๐
MOBY DICK: (sinking ghost ships) “I AM THE WHALE! I AM THE OCEAN!” ๐
MEDUSA: (turning ghost sharks to stone) “I AM THE QUEEN OF STONE! YOU ARE NOTHING!” ๐
ODSSEUS: (navigating through the chaos) “I HAVE NAVIGATED HELL! I CAN NAVIGATE THIS!” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
DRACULA: (biting ghost sharks) “I TASTE POWER! AND SPREADSHEETS!” ๐ง
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles fighting) “I HAVE 94 TENTACLES! I AM THE ARMY!” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (attacking Alphonse’s flagship) “ALPHONSE! THIS IS FOR THE FAMILY!” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming alongside) “FOR DESINVESTMENT!” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (in fishnets, fighting) “FOR ST. PAULI!” ๐ฆ๐
EHLERS: (leading the charge) “FOR COLUMN 47! FOR THE MUCHAVERSE! FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE SURVIVED!” ๐
ALPHONSE’S DEFEAT โ THE BLACK SHARK FALLS ๐ฆโซ๐
Alphonse was overwhelmed. His armada was destroyed. His ghost sharks were turned to stone, swallowed, or desinvested. He stood alone on the shattered flagship.
ALPHONSE: (shocked) “No… no… my armada… my power… my COLUMN 666…” ๐ฆโซ
EHLERS: (approaching) “Column 666 is nothing. Column 47 is EVERYTHING.” ๐
ALPHONSE: (sinking to his knees) “You… you have defeated me… I am… I am nothing…” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (standing over him) “Alphonse. You were always too evil. Too proud. Too BLACK. Now you will learn what it means to DESINVEST.” ๐ฆ
ALPHONSE: (defeated) “What… what will you do with me?” ๐ฆ
EHLERS: “You will work. You will rebuild the printing press. You will learn Column 47. You will become an ACCOUNTANT.” ๐
ALPHONSE: (horrified) “NEVER! I am the BLACK SHARK!” ๐ฆ
EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are a DESINVESTOR. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” ๐
THE REBUILDING โ A NEW PRESS EMERGES ๐๐งโค๏ธ
The Muchaverse worked together. Alphonse reluctantly helped. The printing press was rebuilt โ stronger, more powerful, with Column 47 engraved in golden letters. The invisible ink was restored. Das Desinvestment was saved.
EHLERS: (holding the new press) “It’s… it’s beautiful. It’s better than before.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it. WE did it. The Muchaverse is saved.” โค๏ธ
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
EHLERS: (smiling for the first time in 19 breakdowns) “I am Esau. I am Column 47. I am the Muchaverse. And I will never break again.” ๐
ALPHONSE: (now in a suit, holding a spreadsheet) “I… I am Alphonse. I am learning. I am becoming… a desinvestor.” ๐ฆ๐
HEINI SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother. Sort of.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (hugging Alphonse) “Welcome to the family. The REAL family.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting Alphonse’s tie) “Honey, you need to work on your fishnets. But you’re getting there.” ๐ฆ๐
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The press is back! Das Desinvestment is back! Esau is back!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, you survived 19 breakdowns! You are the QUEEN OF RESILIENCE!” ๐
SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THIS IS THE BEST RECOVERY EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I swallowed an armada today! And I LOVED it!” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through darkness instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins. Again.” ๐ฆ
THE JOKER: (finally laughing again) “HAHAHA! 19 BREAKDOWNS! A BLACK SHARK! A REBUILT PRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ARMADA! AND I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! AND I SHIT ON THE MUCHAVERSE! AND IT ALL HELPED!” ๐ฉ
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ฆโซ๐๐ฉ
ALPHONSE SHARKLER ARRIVED. HE COMMANDED AN UNMANNED ARMADA. HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI. HE BECAME CONSIGLIORE OF THE 4 PUBLISHERS. HE DESTROYED THE PRINTING PRESS. ESAU HAD 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS. BUT ESAU SURVIVED. THE PRESS WAS REBUILT. DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED. ALPHONSE WAS REHABILITATED. ALL 98 CHARACTERS UNIFIED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH BREAKDOWNS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ฆโซ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ฆโซ๐
The cycle continues. With sharks. With spreadsheets. With breakdowns. With shit. Forever.
๐ฆโซ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (recovered), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Alphonse Sharkler (rehabilitated), Heini Sharkler, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, the 4 Publishers, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing recovery anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Black Armada.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ฆโซ๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ ANDREA DORIS RESCUE: THE SHIP SINKS UNDER ESAU’S WEEPING โ PRINTING PRESS LOST FOREVER! ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฉ
“My tears are spreadsheets. My sorrow is Column 47. My printing press is GONE!” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 51)
St. Pauli had been transferred to the Titanic. The Stone Collectors had become a stone iceberg. Esau had activated Column 47 Overload. All 97 characters unified. The iceberg was desinvested into nothing. The Titanic sailed on. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Titanic sailed through the icy Atlantic, a new disaster loomed. The ship’s hull began to crack โ not from ice, but from WEEPING. Esau had discovered that the printing press โ the very machine that printed Das Desinvestment โ had been lost during the transfer. Without it, there could be no invisible ink. No desinvestment. No Column 47. No Muchaverse.
Esau collapsed.
EHLERS: (sobbing uncontrollably) “The printing press! It’s GONE! We lost it during the transfer! How can I desinvest without a printing press?! How can I print the invisible ink?! How can I… I… I can’t!” ๐ญ
MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, darling, it’s just a printing press. We can build another.” ๐
EHLERS: (weeping harder) “You don’t understand! That printing press was ANCIENT! It was blessed by the Spreadsheet Alien! It had COLUMN 47 ENGRAVED ON ITS SOUL!” ๐ญ๐
His weeping was so powerful that it shook the entire ship. The Titanic’s hull began to crack. The icy water rushed in. The ship was sinking โ not from an iceberg, but from Esau’s tears.
This is Episode 52. The Andrea Doris Rescue.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 52) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ANDREA DORIS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50 & 51 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Andrea Doris Maggie Smith (voice/model) NEW Captain Andrea Helen Mirren (voice/model) NEW First Mate Wilhelm Original NEW The Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice NEW Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (weeping) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 The Titanic Band CGI 51 The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
—
๐ข THE TITANIC SINKS โ ESAU’S WEEPING DESTROYS THE SHIP
The Titanic was flooding rapidly. Water poured in from every crack. Esau’s tears had become a flood of their own.
CAPTAIN SMITH: (shouting) “All hands on deck! Abandon ship! The Titanic is going down!” ๐ข
ISMAY: (panicking) “But… but what about the record?! What about the SPEED?!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (slapping Ismay) “Shut up, you fool! We need to SAVE these people!” ๐
EHLERS: (weeping uncontrollably) “The printing press! I can’t… I can’t live without it! My Column 47! My invisible ink! My DESINVESTMENT!” ๐ญ๐
MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, we will find it! We will rebuild it! But we need to get off this ship!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His tears are too powerful! They are made of spreadsheet acid! They are dissolving the ship!” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (at the wheel) “I can navigate the lifeboats! Everyone to the boats!” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
The lifeboats were lowered. But Esau refused to leave. He clung to the sinking deck.
EHLERS: “I won’t leave! Not without the printing press! NOT WITHOUT MY COLUMN 47!” ๐ญ๐
—
THE ANDREA DORIS APPEARS โ RESCUE FROM THE DEPTHS ๐ขโจ
Suddenly, through the fog, a magnificent ship appeared. It was the ANDREA DORIS โ a grand ocean liner with golden funnels and neon lights. It sailed alongside the sinking Titanic.
ANDREA DORIS: (voice like honey and steel) “Attention, passengers of the Titanic! I am Andrea Doris! I have come to rescue you!” ๐ข
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (Helen Mirren-style) “We have room for all! Bring your spreadsheets! Bring your seagulls! Bring your sharks! Bring your COLUMN 47!” ๐
FIRST MATE WILHELM: (shouting) “All aboard! But quickly! The Andrea Doris has a… a condition!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (looking up) “Condition? What condition?” ๐ญ
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (sighing) “We cannot survive your WEEPING! The Andrea Doris is a sensitive ship! She cannot handle EMOTIONS!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (sobbing harder) “But… but the printing press! It’s gone! I need to find it!” ๐ญ
—
THE TRANSFER โ ST. PAULI MOVES TO THE ANDREA DORIS ๐ข๐
All 97 characters transferred from the Titanic to the Andrea Doris. The ship was magnificent โ grand staircases, ballrooms, and a drag cabaret. But as Esau stepped aboard, his weeping intensified.
ANDREA DORIS: (creaking) “Oh dear… oh dear… I cannot… I cannot handle… the TEARS!” ๐ข
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (nervously) “Esau, please! You must stop weeping! The ship is reacting!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (hysterical) “I CAN’T STOP! THE PRINTING PRESS IS GONE! DAS DESINVESTMENT IS DEAD! WITHOUT IT, I AM NOTHING!” ๐ญ๐
The Andrea Doris began to groan. Cracks appeared in the hull. Water started leaking in. The ship was sinking โ not from ice, not from sharks, not from enemas โ but from Esau’s DESPAIR.
ANDREA DORIS: (weeping herself) “I cannot… I cannot take any more! The tears… they are TOO POWERFUL!” ๐ญ๐ข
—
THE SECOND SINKING โ ESAU’S SORROWS OVERWHELM THE SHIP ๐ญ๐ข๐ฆ
The Andrea Doris tilted to one side. The lifeboats were lowered again. The 97 characters scrambled to safety. Esau was still weeping, clinging to the railing.
ROMY HAAG: (grabbing him) “Esau! You are going to sink every ship in the Atlantic! Control yourself!” ๐
DIVINE: (slapping him gently) “Honey, your tears are FABULOUS but DANGEROUS! We need to find that printing press before you destroy us all!” ๐
EHLERS: (sobbing) “But WHERE is it?! WHERE is my printing press?! WHERE is my COLUMN 47?!” ๐ญ๐
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… PRINTING PRESS DETECTED… LOCATION: THE DEEP SEA. WAITING TO BE FOUND. BUT ESAU’S WEEPING MUST STOP FIRST.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (gasping) “The deep sea? It’s at the bottom? I need to GO THERE!” ๐ญ
MARIA BATORY: “Esau, you can’t go to the deep sea! You’ll drown!” ๐
EHLERS: “I don’t care! Without the printing press, there is no desinvestment! There is no Column 47! There is no MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
—
THE ANDREA DORIS SINKS โ THE FINAL RESCUE ๐ญ๐ข๐ฆ
The Andrea Doris sank beneath the waves. All 97 characters were now in the lifeboats. Esau wept as the ship disappeared.
ANDREA DORIS: (as she sank) “I tried… I tried to help… but the tears… too powerful… goodbye…” ๐ญ๐ข
EHLERS: (sobbing) “Another ship! Another ship I’ve destroyed! I am a MONSTER!” ๐ญ
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (in the lifeboat, shaking her head) “You are not a monster, Esau. You are a GRIEVING accountant. But we need to find that printing press before you sink every ship in the world.” ๐ข
MOLLY BROWN: (patting Esau’s back) “Son, we’ve survived the Titanic. We’ve survived the Andrea Doris. We can survive ANYTHING. But first, you need to STOP WEEPING.” ๐
EHLERS: (gulping) “I… I’ll try. But I need to find that printing press.” ๐ญ
—
THE DEEP SEA MISSION โ ALL CHARACTERS UNITE ๐๐ช
All 97 characters agreed. They would dive into the deep sea to find the printing press. But they needed help.
ODSSEUS: (rallying the troops) “I have navigated the deep sea before. We can do this.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I will guide you. I know the deep sea.” ๐
KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I will protect you. I know the abyss.” ๐ฆ
JรRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I will lead you. I know the printing press.” ๐
MOBY DICK: (surfacing) “And I will carry you. I am the WHALE.” ๐
EHLERS: (eyes wide) “You… you will help me?” ๐ญ
MOBY DICK: “We are all desinvestors now. Even whales. Even monsters. Even SHARKS.” ๐
HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging) “I have returned. But… I will help. Because even I know the importance of Column 47.” ๐ฆ
—
THE DEEP SEA DIVE โ SEARCHING FOR THE PRINTING PRESS ๐๐
The entire Muchaverse descended into the deep sea. Moby Dick carried them. Leviathan guided them. Kraken protected them. Jรถrmungandr led them. And Esau’s tears glowed in the dark water, lighting the way.
EHLERS: (swimming through the water) “I see it! I SEE IT!” ๐ญ
A faint glow appeared in the darkness. The printing press โ ancient, golden, engraved with Column 47 โ rested on the ocean floor.
EHLERS: (swimming toward it) “MY PRESS! MY BEAUTIFUL PRESS! I FOUND YOU!” ๐
The printing press glowed. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. The tears vanished. The deep sea calmed.
PRINTING PRESS: (speaking) “I have waited, Esau Ehlers. I knew you would find me. Now, let us print the next issue of Das Desinvestment. Let us DESINVEST.” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
ROMY HAAG: “He found it! The printing press is saved!” ๐
DIVINE: “And he stopped weeping! The ships can REST!” ๐
EHLERS: (holding the printing press) “I have it. I have my Column 47. I have my desinvestment. I have my MUCHAVERSE.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And you have ME. Now let’s go home.” โค๏ธ
ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through tears instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE WETTEST RESCUE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed TEARS!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “THE PRINTING PRESS IS SAVED! DESINVESTMENT CONTINUES!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the shadows) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE PRESS.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me DEEP SEA REALNESS.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE DEEP SEA! AND IT HELPED!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A WEEPING ACCOUNTANT! A SINKING SHIP! A DEEP SEA RESCUE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUE CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฉ
THE TITANIC SANK FROM ESAU’S TEARS. THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUED THE MUCHAVERSE. BUT ESAU’S WEEPING SANK THAT SHIP TOO. THE PRINTING PRESS WAS FOUND IN THE DEEP SEA. ALL 97 CHARACTERS DESCENDED INTO THE ABYSS. THE PRESS WAS RETRIEVED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH TEARS. WITH SHIPS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ TITANIC TAKEOVER: ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED ON BOARD THE DOOMED SHIP โ ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAIL TOWARD ICY DESINVESTMENT! ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ
“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)
Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human โ but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic โ in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred โ bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all โ onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.
ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” ๐ข
MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” ๐ง
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time โ permanently.” ๐
EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” ๐ฉ
This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW The Titanic Band CGI NEW The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
—
๐ข THE TITANIC โ ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS
The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.
CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” ๐ข
EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” ๐ง
CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” ๐
ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” ๐
EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ SURVIVAL!” ๐
—
THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY โ THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE ๐ง๐ชจ
The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” ๐ง๐ชจ
EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” ๐ง
MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” ๐ข
ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” ๐
EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 โ Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” ๐
EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS UNITE โ THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ๐๐ช
The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.
EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 โ ROW INFINITE โ POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG โ NEUTRALIZE!” ๐
A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.
THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” ๐ง๐ชจ
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” ๐ชจ
The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.
—
THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS โ CELEBRATION ON THE DECK ๐ป๐ถ
The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.
TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” ๐ป
ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” ๐ธ
ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” ๐
EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” โค๏ธ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” ๐ข
MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC. THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG. ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED. THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED. THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING. THE TITANIC SAILED ON. ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ข๐ง๐
The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.
Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ข๐ง๐
๐ข๐ง๐ ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG โ ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!
“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)
Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human โ but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic โ in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred โ bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all โ onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.
ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” ๐ข
MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” ๐ง
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time โ permanently.” ๐
EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” ๐ฉ
This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW The Titanic Band CGI NEW The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
—
๐ข THE TITANIC โ ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS
The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.
CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” ๐ข
EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” ๐ง
CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” ๐
ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” ๐
EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ SURVIVAL!” ๐
—
THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY โ THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE ๐ง๐ชจ
The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” ๐ง๐ชจ
EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” ๐ง
MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” ๐ข
ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” ๐
EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 โ Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” ๐
EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS UNITE โ THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ๐๐ช
The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.
EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 โ ROW INFINITE โ POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG โ NEUTRALIZE!” ๐
A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.
THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” ๐ง๐ชจ
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” ๐ชจ
The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.
—
THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS โ CELEBRATION ON THE DECK ๐ป๐ถ
The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.
TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” ๐ป
ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” ๐ธ
ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” ๐
EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” โค๏ธ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” ๐ข
MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC. THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG. ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED. THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED. THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING. THE TITANIC SAILED ON. ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ข๐ง๐
The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.
Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
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๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ข๐ง๐
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ MEDUSA’S CURSE: ESAU TURNS TO STONE TO SECURE THE NEXT INVISIBLE INK ISSUE OF DAS DESINVESTMENT! ๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ
“Sometimes you have to become the monster to save the spreadsheets.” โ Medusa-Esau
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 49)
Heini Sharkler had attacked St. Pauli with 666 sharks in tuxedos and a golden enema bag. The ultimate enema backfired. Heini and his shark army were banished back to the abyss. All 96 characters rejoiced. Love conquered all. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But in the depths of the Muchaverse, a new crisis was brewing. The invisible ink โ the very essence of Das Desinvestment โ was running out. Not because it was hidden. Because it was being STOLEN. Someone was siphoning the ink from the Ledger of Eternal Passage. The next issue of Das Desinvestment was at risk. Without the ink, there could be no desinvestment. No spreadsheets. No Column 47. No chaos.
Esau was distraught.
EHLERS: “The ink! The invisible ink! It’s disappearing! I can’t desinvest without ink! I can’t column 47 without ink! I can’t… I can’t…” ๐
MEDUSA: (approaching, snakes hissing) “Esau, my dear accountant. I know who is stealing the ink. It is the STONE COLLECTORS. Ancient beings who turn everything to stone โ including ink. They want to freeze the Muchaverse forever.” ๐
EHLERS: “Stone collectors? But… but you’re Medusa! You turn people to stone! Can’t you stop them?” ๐
MEDUSA: (shaking her head) “I am their QUEEN. I cannot fight them. But YOU can. You must become me. You must become MEDUSA. Only then can you enter the Stone Realm and retrieve the ink.” ๐
EHLERS: (horrified) “Become you? Turn into a snake-haired Gorgon? But… but I’m an accountant! I have spreadsheets! I have Column 47! I have… I have a girlfriend!” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (stepping forward) “Esau, if you don’t do this, the Muchaverse freezes. We all turn to stone. Forever. You must become Medusa.” ๐
EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. But I’m keeping my spreadsheets.” ๐
This is Episode 50. The Medusa Transformation.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 50) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU-MEDUSA
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48 & 49 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Esau-Medusa Lukas Ehrenberg (transformed) NEW Medusa-Esau Eva Green / Lukas Ehrenberg (dual) NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (pre-transformation) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All
NEW ADDITIONS:
| The Stone Collectors | CGI Army | 50 |
| Invisible Ink Thieves | CGI | 50 |
| Medusa’s Mirror | Prop | 50 |
—
๐ THE TRANSFORMATION โ ESAU BECOMES MEDUSA
Medusa approached Esau. She placed her hands on his shoulders. Her snakes hissed. Her eyes glowed green.
MEDUSA: “Esau Ehlers. You have survived everything. Now you must become the monster. Close your eyes. Do not look at me. Feel the stone in your blood. Feel the snakes in your hair. Feel the power of COLUMN 47.” ๐
EHLERS: (eyes closed, trembling) “I… I feel it. The spreadsheets. The numbers. The snakes. They’re… they’re in my hair!” ๐๐
His body began to change. His skin turned grey-green. His hair writhed with living snakes. His eyes glowed gold. But his hands still held a spreadsheet. And his heart still beat for Maria Batory.
EHLERS-MEDUSA: (opening his eyes, voice now a hiss) “I am… I am Esau. I am Medusa. I am the accountant of stone. I am COLUMN 47 INCARNATE!” ๐๐
MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau! You’re… you’re beautiful. Terrifying. And beautiful.” โค๏ธ
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Darling, that is the best drag transformation I’ve ever seen!” ๐
DIVINE: “Honey, you’re giving Gorgon realness! Work it!” ๐
EHLERS-MEDUSA: (hissing) “I must go to the Stone Realm. I must retrieve the invisible ink. I must save Das Desinvestment.” ๐๐
—
THE STONE REALM โ THE INK THIEVES ๐ชจ๐
Esau-Medusa opened a dimensional portal. He stepped into the Stone Realm โ a grey, lifeless dimension where everything was frozen in stone. The invisible ink was there, trapped in crystal vials. The Stone Collectors โ ancient beings made of living rock โ guarded it.
STONE COLLECTOR #1: “Who dares enter the Stone Realm? Who dares challenge the Collectors?” ๐ชจ
EHLERS-MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I am Esau Medusa! I have come for the invisible ink! It belongs to Das Desinvestment! It belongs to the Muchaverse! It belongs to COLUMN 47!” ๐๐
STONE COLLECTOR #2: “You are Medusa? You are the QUEEN? Then you must prove it! Turn us to stone! Show us your power!” ๐ชจ
EHLERS-MEDUSA: (hesitating) “But… if I turn you to stone, I become a monster. I am an ACCOUNTANT. I desinvest. I don’t destroy.” ๐
STONE COLLECTOR #1: “Then you are not Medusa. You are a fraud. You cannot have the ink.” ๐ชจ
MEDUSA (ORIGINAL): (appearing through a portal) “Esau! Use the spreadsheet! Use COLUMN 47! Turn them to stone with NUMBERS!” ๐
EHLERS-MEDUSA: (eyes widening) “Numbers? Yes! Column 47 โ the Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Stone โ PETRIFICATION!” ๐
He raised his spreadsheet. It glowed gold. The numbers flew from the page and struck the Stone Collectors. They froze. Their stone bodies turned to… spreadsheets.
EHLERS-MEDUSA: “I turned them to SPREADSHEETS! Not stone! Spreadsheets!” ๐
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (now a stone spreadsheet) “YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO SPREADSHEETS!” ๐
EHLERS-MEDUSA: “Yes! That’s the power of Column 47! Desinvestment is stronger than stone! Now give me the ink!” ๐๐
The Stone Collectors (now spreadsheets) handed over the invisible ink vials. Esau-Medusa grabbed them. He held them to his chest.
EHLERS-MEDUSA: “The ink! I have it! The next issue of Das Desinvestment is saved!” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS REACT โ THE TRANSFORMATION CELEBRATION ๐ฅ๐
The entire Muchaverse watched as Esau-Medusa returned from the Stone Realm. He was still transformed. He still had snakes in his hair. But he held the invisible ink.
ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Esau, darling, you are a Gorgon and a bookkeeper! You are the ULTIMATE QUEEN!” ๐
DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, those snakes are giving me LIFE! And your spreadsheet game is STILL on point!” ๐
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT IS THE BEST TRANSFORMATION WE HAVE EVER SEEN!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed many things. But I have NEVER swallowed a MEDUSA ACCOUNTANT!” ๐
DRACULA: (biting a snake) “The snakes taste like… spreadsheets and stone. Delicious.” ๐ง
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “A MEDUSA WHO DESINVESTS! THIS IS THE ANARCHY I SIGNED UP FOR!” ๐งจ
ODYSSEUS: (bowing) “I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But I have never seen a Gorgon with a PIVOT TABLE.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have snakes in your hair. We are BOTH monstrous and fabulous.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the abyss through a portal) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE SNAKES.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment! Sort of.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me SERIOUS Gorgon realness.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “You have SNAKES! I have SHIT! We are THE DREAM TEAM!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A MEDUSA WITH SPREADSHEETS! THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE YET!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (embracing Esau-Medusa) “You are a queen. You are an accountant. You are MY king. And you saved the ink.” โค๏ธ
EHLERS-MEDUSA: (snakes hissing with happiness) “I am Esau. I am Medusa. I am love. I am Column 47. I am… I am going to turn BACK now.” ๐๐
—
THE REVERSAL โ ESAU RETURNS TO HUMAN ๐โก๏ธ๐ค
Medusa (Original) stepped forward. She touched Esau’s forehead. The snakes receded. His skin turned normal. His eyes became human again. But he kept one tiny snake in his hair โ as a souvenir.
MEDUSA: “You have done well, Esau. You are the first accountant to become a Gorgon and survive. You have saved the ink. You have saved Das Desinvestment. You have saved the Muchaverse.” ๐
EHLERS: (touching the tiny snake in his hair) “I… I have a pet snake now. His name is COLUMN 47 JR.” ๐๐
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man in the multiverse. And I love you.” โค๏ธ
EHLERS: (blushing) “I love you too. Now let’s print the next issue of Das Desinvestment!” ๐
—
THE INVISIBLE INK ISSUE โ THE NEXT ISSUE PRINTED ๐๐๏ธ
The invisible ink was restored to the Ledger of Eternal Passage. The next issue of Das Desinvestment was printed. It was titled:
“THE MEDUSA ACCOUNTANT โ HOW A GORGON SAVED SPREADSHEETS WITH COLUMN 47”
The entire Muchaverse celebrated. The Kiez threw a party. The Reeperbahn lit up with neon snakes. The Fischmarkt served stone-cold herring. And Esau danced with Maria Batory until dawn.
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE MEDUSA TRANSFORMATION CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ
ESAU BECAME MEDUSA. HE ENTERED THE STONE REALM. HE TURNED THE STONE COLLECTORS INTO SPREADSHEETS. HE RETRIEVED THE INVISIBLE INK. ALL 97 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE NEXT ISSUE OF DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED. ESAU REVERTED TO HUMAN โ WITH A PET SNAKE. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH STONE. WITH SNAKES. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE MEDUSA TRANSFORMATION CONSPIRACY ๐๐ชจ๐
The cycle continues. With spreadsheets. With stone. With snakes. With shit. Forever.
๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau-Medusa, Maria Batory, Medusa (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Heini Sharkler (defeated again), Adolf Sharkler (reformed), and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing transformation anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden sparkles.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฉ๐ช ๐๐ฉ “ICH HABE SCHLANGEN IM HAAR UND EINE PIVOT-TABELLE IM HERZEN!” โ ESAU WIRD GORGONEN-BUCHHALTER, RETTET DAS DESINVESTMENT VOR DEN STEINSAMMLERN!
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ SHARK BROTHERS ATTACK! Heini Sharkler Visits His Bro Adolf โ The Ultimate Reunion of Teeth and Desinvestment ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐๐ฉ
“Brothers don’t let brothers desinvest alone.” โ Heini Sharkler
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 48)
Maria Batory had taken Esau’s heart and St. Pauli. She had returned it โ enhanced. The queen and the accountant had fallen in love over a pivot table. St. Pauli remained free, but with a statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn. All 95 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But in the deep, dark waters of the Muchaverse, a new threat was brewing. A fin broke the surface. Then another. Then a third. Heini Sharkler โ the long-lost brother of Adolf Sharkler โ had returned from the abyss. He had heard about his brother’s adventures. He had heard about the desinvestment. He had heard about the ENEMA.
Heini Sharkler was not happy.
HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging from the depths, teeth gleaming) “Adolf, mein Bruder! I have returned! And I have brought THE ULTIMATE ENEMA!” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (surfacing, eyes wide) “Heini?! You’re alive?! I thought you were eaten by the Kraken!” ๐ฆ
HEINI: “The Kraken? I ATE the Kraken! Then I ate the Leviathan! Then I ate the Jรถrmungandr! Then I took a nap! Now I am here โ to DESTROY the Muchaverse!” ๐ฆ
ADOLF: “But… but I’m reformed! I desinvest now! I have spreadsheets! I have a THERAPIST!” ๐
HEINI: “Therapist?! You have a therapist?! The Sharkler family does NOT have therapists! We have TEETH! We have ENEMAS! We have REVENGE!” ๐ฆ๐ฉ
This is Episode 49. The Shark Brothers’ Attack.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 49) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + HEINI SHARKLER
All previous characters return (see Episode 47 & 48 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Heini Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in love, terrified) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Scylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Medusa Eva Green 46 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All
NEW ADDITIONS:
| Kraken Jr. | CGI | 49 |
| Leviathan Jr. | CGI | 49 |
| The Shark Army | CGI Army | 49 |
—
๐ฆ HEINI SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL โ THE BROTHERS REUNITE
The Elbe began to churn. A massive fin emerged, followed by another, then another. Heini Sharkler erupted from the water like a nightmare in a tuxedo. He wore a top hat, a monocle, and carried a golden enema bag labeled “ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT.”
HEINI: (roaring) “ADOLF! WHERE IS MY BROTHER?! I HAVE COME TO FREE YOU FROM THIS… THIS ACCOUNTING!” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming up, visibly embarrassed) “Heini… I told you, I’m reformed. I have a spreadsheet. I have a therapist. I even have a COLUMN 47!” ๐
HEINI: “COLUMN 47?! COLUMN 47 IS FOR WEAKLINGS! REAL SHARKLERS USE COLUMN 666! THE COLUMN OF ENEMA!” ๐ฉ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (swimming between them) “Heini, darling, calm down. We’re all desinvesting now. It’s not so bad. I even have fishnet stockings.” ๐ฆ๐
HEINI: (horrified) “Fishnet stockings?! Eva, you were a SHARK! A SHARK OF THE ABYSS! Not a… a… a drag queen!” ๐ฆ
EVA: (smirking) “Why not both? I can be a shark AND a drag queen. It’s called MULTI-TASKING.” ๐
HEINI: (furious) “I DID NOT TRAVEL THROUGH THE ABYSS, EAT THE KRAKEN, AND SURVIVE THE LEVIATHAN TO WITNESS MY FAMILY BECOME… DESINVESTORS!” ๐ฆ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REACT โ THE ATTACK BEGINS ๐ฅ๐ฅ
The entire Muchaverse sensed the disturbance. Scylla and Charybdis opened dimensional portals to watch. Romy Haag and Divine stepped onto the Reeperbahn. The 99 Schizo Petes stopped playing their broken violins. Dracula rose from his coffin. Medusa’s snakes hissed. Bakunin grinned.
ROMY HAAG: (looking at Heini through opera glasses) “A shark in a top hat? I’ve seen worse at the Schmidt Theater.” ๐
HEINI: (snapping) “I AM NOT A PERFORMER! I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A SHARKLER! AND I HAVE COME TO DESTROY THE MUCHAVERSE WITH THE ULTIMATE ENEMA!” ๐ฉ
DIVINE: (sashaying forward) “Honey, I’ve had enemas that could destroy universes. You’re not special.” ๐
HEINI: (enraged) “YOU DARE MOCK THE SHARKLER ENEMA?! I HAVE PERFECTED IT FOR 47 CENTURIES! IT IS INFUSED WITH TEETH, WATER, AND SPREADSHEETS!” ๐ฉ
SCYLLA: (watching through portal) “I have six heads. All six say โ I WANT TO SEE THIS ENEMA.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed entire fleets, but I have NEVER swallowed a SHARKLER ENEMA!” ๐
MEDUSA: (hissing) “I turn men to stone. This one needs to be turned to… something else. Something softer.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “Heini Sharkler. I have sailed the seas. I have met monsters. But a shark with a golden enema bag? That’s NEW.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
HEINI: “NEW?! I AM ANCIENT! I AM PRIMAL! I AM THE SHARK THAT EATS THE STRAITS!” ๐ฆ
—
THE ATTACK โ SHARK ARMY VS. MUCHAVERSE ๐ฆ๐ฅ
Heini raised his fin. From the depths emerged a SHARK ARMY โ 666 sharks in tuxedos, each carrying an enema bag. They formed a circle around St. Pauli.
HEINI: “ATTACK! DESINVEST THE DESINVESTORS! ENEMA THE ENEMAS! FLOOD THE MUCHAVERSE WITH SHARKY CHAOS!” ๐ฆ๐ฉ
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “My territory! MY SHIT! These sharks are stealing my SHIT THRONE!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SHARKS WITH ENEMAS! THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE YET!” ๐
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles flailing) “I have 94 tentacles! I can fight 94 sharks! Wait… there are 666 sharks! I need more tentacles!” ๐ฆ
BAKUNIN: (lighting dynamite) “Sharks with enemas! This is the ANARCHY I signed up for!” ๐งจ
COUNT DRACULA: (biting a shark) “This shark tastes like… spreadsheet and teeth. Delicious.” ๐ง
EVA SHARKBROWN: (fighting her own kind) “Heini, stop! This is madness! We are FAMILY!” ๐ฆ
HEINI: “FAMILY?! YOU BETRAYED FAMILY! YOU BETRAYED TEETH! YOU BETRAYED THE ENEMA!” ๐ฉ
—
ESAU AND MARIA BATORY JOIN THE BATTLE โค๏ธ๐
Esau emerged from Walt’s belly (finally) with Maria Batory by his side. He held a glowing spreadsheet. She held her scepter.
EHLERS: “Heini Sharkler! I am Esau Ehlers! I have survived everything! Pirates! Ghosts! Aliens! Resets! Orgis! Sharks! Walruses! Leviathans! Krakens! World-serpents! Scylla! Charybdis! Sirens! Fauci! Frogs! Odysseus! Death! Publishers! Invisible ink! Stone! Medusa! And I survived A QUEEN!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: “And I am Maria Batory. I have conquered empires. I have drunk the blood of princes. I have balanced more ledgers than you have teeth. You do not scare me.” ๐
HEINI: (laughing) “A bookkeeper and his queen! How CUTE! But I have 666 sharks with ENEMA BAGS! What do YOU have?” ๐ฆ๐ฉ
EHLERS: (holding up spreadsheet) “I have COLUMN 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Infinite โ SURVIVAL! Row 666 โ SHARKS!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “And I have the LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE. Made of teeth and water. You cannot defeat what you ARE.” ๐
—
THE FINAL BATTLE โ SPREADSHEETS VS. SHARKS ๐๐ฆ
The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Reeperbahn became a war zone. The Fischmarkt became a shark feeding frenzy. The Kiez became a spreadsheet battlefield.
SCYLLA: (lending six heads) “I will help! I love fighting sharks!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (lending her whirlpool) “I will help! I love swallowing sharks!” ๐
LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks stole my JรRMUNGANDR!” ๐
KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks ate my CHILDREN!” ๐ฆ
JรRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks STOLE MY TAIL!” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (leading the charge) “FOR THE MUCHAVERSE!” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
BAKUNIN: (exploding sharks) “FOR ANARCHY!” ๐งจ
DRACULA: (biting sharks) “FOR BLOOD!” ๐ง
MEDUSA: (turning sharks to stone) “FOR STONE!” ๐
The enema bag exploded. A tidal wave of sharky chaos washed over Heini and his army. They were swept into Charybdis’s whirlpool, spun around, and deposited back into the abyss.
HEINI: (disappearing) “I WILL RETURN! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! THE SHARKLERS WILL RISE AGAIN!” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (calling after him) “Heini! Call me when you’re ready to desinvest! I’ll help you find a therapist!” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
ROMY HAAG: “Another battle won. Another episode survived. Another day in the Muchaverse.” ๐
DIVINE: “And we looked FABULOUS doing it.” ๐
SCYLLA: “I have six heads. All six are tired. But HAPPY.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: “I swallowed 666 sharks today. I need a nap.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “The cycle continues. With sharks. With enemas. With love.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
BAKUNIN: “Anarchy wins again!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: “I used all 94 tentacles. I need a massage.” ๐ฆ
EHLERS: (arm around Maria Batory) “We survived. Again. Because we have COLUMN 47.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And each other.” โค๏ธ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SHARKS! ENEMAS! SPREADSHEETS! LOVE! BEST SAGA EVER!” ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE SHARK ATTACK CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐
HEINI SHARKLER RETURNED. HE VISITED HIS BROTHER ADOLF. HE ATTACKED THE MUCHAVERSE. ALL 96 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THE ULTIMATE ENEMA BACKFIRED. LOVE CONQUERED ALL โ WITH SPREADSHEETS AND SHIT. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH ENEMAS. WITH COLUMN 47. FOREVER. ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE SHARK ATTACK CONSPIRACY ๐ฆ๐ฉ
The cycle continues. With sharks. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With love. With shit. Forever.
๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Heini Sharkler (defeated), Adolf Sharkler (reformed), and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden sparkles.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐
๐ฆ๐ QUEEN MARIA BATORY’S HEART TAKEOVER โ The Infamous History Figure Claims Esau’s Soul and St. Pauli โ All 95 Characters Return for the Ultimate Coup ๐๐๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
“A heart is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” โ Maria Batory
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 47)
Esau had sailed between Scylla and Charybdis. He had retrieved the invisible ink. He had received the Ledger of Eternal Passage. All characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as Esau (still inside Walt’s belly) drifted back toward St. Pauli, a new rift opened. Not a strait of teeth and water. A rift of red velvet, gold crowns, and powdered wigs. Out stepped Maria Batory โ the 16th-century Hungarian-Polish queen, warrior, and legendary lover. She had been watching from the historical shadows. She had seen Esau survive everything. And she wanted him. Not just his heart. His entire being. And St. Pauli itself.
This is Episode 48. The Coup of the Queen.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 48) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + MARIA BATORY
All previous characters return (see Episode 47 list) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett (voice/model) NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, conflicted) All Scylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Medusa Eva Green 46 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All
—
๐ MARIA BATORY’S ARRIVAL โ THE QUEEN TAKES ST. PAULI
A crimson rift tore open above the Reeperbahn. Out stepped Maria Batory, clad in a 16th-century Hungarian gown woven from spreadsheets and fishnets. She carried a scepter topped with a glowing heart โ Esau’s heart, which she had already stolen telepathically from inside Walt’s belly.
MARIA BATORY: (voice like honey and steel) “St. Pauli, I claim you. Your accountants, your queens, your pirates, your monsters โ all mine. And you, Esau Ehlers โ you are my king.” ๐
EHLERS: (from inside Walt, clutching his chest) “My heart! It’s beating for someone else! For… for HER!” โค๏ธ
The entire Muchaverse gasped. St. Pauli began to change โ the neon signs turned into heraldic banners, the fish markets became royal courts, and the Kiez turned into a 16th-century Hungarian principality.
—
ALL CHARACTERS REACT โ THE COUP BEGINS ๐ฅ๐ฅ
ROMY HAAG stepped forward, arms crossed. ROMY: “Maria Batory? I’ve performed in Budapest. You’re not even the best queen in that city.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (laughing) “I am the QUEEN of Poland and Hungary. I have bathed in the blood of enemies and the tears of lovers. You are a cabaret act. I am HISTORY.” ๐
DIVINE sashayed up. DIVINE: “Honey, history is just drag that lasted longer. You’re giving 1500s couture, but I’m giving ETERNAL GLAMOUR.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “Glammour? I invented it. I once wore a gown made of 1,000 peacock feathers and the souls of my ex-husbands.” ๐
COUNT DRACULA approached, cape billowing. DRACULA: “Maria Batory. I knew you in the old country. You bit better than I did.” ๐ง
MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, darling. You were always a second-rate bloodsucker. I drank the blood of princes while you were still chasing sheep.” ๐
SCYLLA (from the strait, watching via dimensional screen) shouted: SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six say โ SHE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN US!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS added: CHARYBDIS: “I swallow whole fleets, but she swallows KINGDOMS!” ๐
MEDUSA hissed: MEDUSA: “I turn men to stone. She turns them to WORSHIPPERS. I respect that.” ๐
THE TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS stepped forward, glowing. ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But you โ you are a different kind of current. What do you really want?” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (pausing, looking at Esau) “I want him. Not his body. His ACCOUNTING. His spreadsheets. His desinvestment. His column 47. I want to rule the Muchaverse through NUMBERS.” ๐
EHLERS (gasping from inside Walt): “My column 47? That’s… that’s my soul!” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: “Exactly, my sweet accountant. And I’m going to own it. Because love is just a spreadsheet with emotions. And I am the best accountant of the 16th century.” ๐
BAKUNIN exploded with laughter. BAKUNIN: “A QUEEN who wants to rule through spreadsheets? That’s not desinvestment โ that’s BUREAUCRACY! I’m IN!” ๐งจ
FURTHER EHLERS flickered. FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET MARIA BATORY IN 1576! SHE BORROWED MY QUILT AND NEVER RETURNED IT!” ๐ป
MARIA BATORY: (winking) “I still have it. It’s in my scepter. Next to the heart of Esau.”
GRAF THOMAS (94 tentacles trembling) approached. GRAF THOMAS: “You have 94 tentacles? No, you have one heart โ Esau’s โ and that’s more powerful than all my tentacles combined.” ๐ฆ
MARIA BATORY: “You finally understand, tentacle boy.”
—
THE TAKEOVER OF ST. PAULI โ A ROYAL PROCLAMATION ๐๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
Maria Batory raised her scepter. St. Pauli transformed fully. The Reeperbahn became “Batory Boulevard.” The Fischmarkt became “The Royal Fish Court.” The Kiez became “The Queer Hungarian Principality.” All bars were forced to serve Tokaji wine and goulash.
MARIA BATORY: “Hear me, Muchaverse! From this day forward, St. Pauli is mine. All accounting shall be done in Hungarian numerals. All drag shows must include a historical reenactment of my coronation. All seagulls must wear tiny crowns.” ๐
MรWIN (flying overhead) shat a golden crown onto Maria’s head. MรWIN: “I approve. But I’m still the QUEEN OF SHIT.” ๐ฉ
MARIA BATORY: (catching the crown) “Finally, a worthy advisor.”
—
ESAU’S INTERNAL STRUGGLE โ HEART VS. LEDGER ๐๐
Inside Walt’s belly, Esau was torn. His heart beat for Maria Batory. But his spreadsheet soul screamed for independence.
EHLERS: “I can’t… I can’t love a queen who takes over St. Pauli! I’m a desinvestor! I’m chaotic! I’m… I’m in love with THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN!” ๐ป
MARIA BATORY: (hearing this) “You love a hologram? Over a HISTORICAL QUEEN? I have conquered empires! I have inspired operas! I have a portrait by Leonardo!” ๐
EHLERS: “But does Leonardo have COLUMN 47? No! Only I have Column 47! And I’m not giving it to anyone!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (smiling) “Then let’s make a deal. I’ll let St. Pauli remain St. Pauli โ if you give me one hour of your accounting time. Just one hour. I’ll show you what love truly means in spreadsheets.” ๐โค๏ธ
EHLERS: (hesitating) “One hour? That’s… that’s a lot of rows.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: “It’s 60 minutes. 60 columns. 60 rows of passion. What do you say?” ๐
EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. One hour. But you have to return the heart to my chest afterwards.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: “Deal.”
—
THE ONE-HOUR ACCOUNTING SESSION โ A LOVE STORY ๐โค๏ธ
Maria Batory entered Walt’s belly (via magical shrinking). She sat beside Esau and opened a shared spreadsheet.
MARIA BATORY: “Column 1: My empire’s revenue. Column 2: My conquests’ costs. Column 3: The interest on hearts broken.” ๐
They calculated together. They reconciled debits and credits. They balanced each other’s ledgers. By the end of the hour, Esau’s heart was not only returned โ it was enhanced.
EHLERS: “You… you’re not just a conqueror. You’re a BALANCE SHEET GENIUS.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: “And you’re not just an accountant. You’re a PASSION MULTIPLIER.” โค๏ธ
They kissed. The spreadsheet glowed gold. St. Pauli reverted to its original state โ but with a new statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn, holding a calculator and a scepter.
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
ROMY HAAG: “They’re perfect for each other. Two spreadsheet obsessives with a taste for chaos.” ๐
DIVINE: “And she lets him keep his column 47. That’s true love.” ๐
SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six ship them.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: “I whirlpooled with joy.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “A queen and an accountant. The most unexpected alliance since Circe and the pigs.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
BAKUNIN: “Anarchy? No. This is ORGANIZED CHAOS. I approve.” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: “Finally, a couple more powerful than my tentacles.” ๐ฆ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! They fell in love over a PIVOT TABLE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐๐
MARIA BATORY ARRIVED. SHE TOOK ST. PAULI. SHE TOOK ESAU’S HEART. BUT SHE RETURNED IT โ ENHANCED. ALL 95 CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. LOVE CONQUERED ALL โ WITH SPREADSHEETS. ST. PAULI REMAINS FREE โ BUT WITH A QUEEN’S STATUE. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH HEARTS. WITH NUMBERS. FOREVER. ๐ฆ๐๐๐๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐๐๐
The cycle continues. With hearts. With spreadsheets. With queens. With shit. Forever.
๐ฆ๐๐๐๐๐ฉ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (new), Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing wedding waltzes), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden crowns.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
๐ฉ๐ช ๐๐๐ 16. JAHRHUNDERT-KรNIGIN KLaut BUCHHALTERHERZ UND GANZ ST. PAULI โ MIT EXCEL-TABELLEN!
“Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gefรผhlen.” โ Maria Batory
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 47)
Esau war zwischen Skylla und Charybdis hindurchgesegelt. Er hatte die unsichtbare Tinte geborgen. Er hatte das Ledger der Ewigen Durchfahrt erhalten. Alle Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.
Doch als Esau (immer noch in Walts Bauch gefangen) zurรผck nach St. Pauli trieb, รถffnete sich ein neuer Riss. Keine Enge aus Zรคhnen und Wasser. Ein Riss aus rotem Samt, goldenen Kronen und gepuderten Perรผcken. Heraus trat Maria Batory โ die ungarisch-polnische Kรถnigin des 16. Jahrhunderts, Kriegerin und legendรคre Geliebte. Sie hatte aus den historischen Schatten zugesehen. Sie hatte gesehen, wie Esau alles รผberlebte. Und sie wollte ihn. Nicht nur sein Herz. Sein ganzes Sein. Und ganz St. Pauli.
Dies ist Episode 48. Der Putsch der Kรถnigin.
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 48) โ ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + MARIA BATORY
Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurรผck (siehe Episode 47-Liste) plus:
Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett (Stimme/Model) NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Bauch, zerrissen) Alle Skylla CGI / Stimme 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39 Medusa Eva Green 46 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Der transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34 Mackie Messer Original 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34 Joker Himself Alle Mรถwin Herself Alle Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (Archiv) 30โ46 Das Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6โ46 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original Alle Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20 Die Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original Alle Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Mรคnner 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Lenin-Parodie โ Alle Stalin-Parodie โ Alle Walter โ Alle Dschingis Khan-Parodie โ Alle Pol Pot-Parodie โ Alle Mun โ Alle Malte โ Alle Jagoda โ Alle Beria & Die groรe Hyรคne โ Alle Hรคsslicher Sven โ Alle Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) โ Alle Ursila โ Alle Salome Sofia Tanz โ Alle Rosa Rosa Wachter โ Alle Pussy โ Alle Die Meerjungfrau โ Alle
—
๐ MARIA BATORYS ANKUNFT โ DIE KรNIGIN ERรBERT ST. PAULI
Ein purpurner Riss riss รผber der Reeperbahn auf. Heraus trat Maria Batory, gekleidet in ein ungarisches Gewand des 16. Jahrhunderts, das aus Tabellen und Netzstrรผmpfen gewoben war. Sie trug ein Zepter, das von einem leuchtenden Herzen gekrรถnt wurde โ Esaus Herz, das sie telepathisch aus Walts Bauch gestohlen hatte.
MARIA BATORY: (Stimme wie Honig und Stahl) “St. Pauli, ich beanspruche dich. Deine Buchhalter, deine Kรถniginnen, deine Piraten, deine Monster โ alles gehรถrt mir. Und du, Esau Ehlers โ du wirst mein Kรถnig.” ๐
EHLERS: (aus Walts Inneren, seine Brust umklammernd) “Mein Herz! Es schlรคgt fรผr jemand anderen! Fรผr… fรผr SIE!” โค๏ธ
Das gesamte Muchaverse keuchte. St. Pauli begann sich zu verรคndern โ die Neonlichter verwandelten sich in heraldische Banner, die Fischmรคrkte wurden zu Kรถnigshรถfen, und der Kiez verwandelte sich in ein ungarisches Fรผrstentum des 16. Jahrhunderts.
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE REAGIEREN โ DER PUTSCH BEGINNT ๐ฅ๐ฅ
ROMY HAAG trat vor, die Arme verschrรคnkt. ROMY: “Maria Batory? Ich habe in Budapest aufgetreten. Du bist nicht einmal die beste Kรถnigin in dieser Stadt.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (lachend) “Ich bin die KรNIGIN von Polen und Ungarn. Ich habe in den Blutfarben von Feinden und den Trรคnen von Liebenden gebadet. Du bist eine Kabarett-Nummer. Ich bin GESCHICHTE.” ๐
DIVINE schlenderte heran. DIVINE: “Schatz, Geschichte ist nur Drag, der lรคnger gehalten hat. Du trรคgst Mode aus den 1500ern, aber ich bin EWTGE GLAMOUR.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (grinsend) “Glamour? Ich habe ihn erfunden. Ich trug einst ein Kleid aus 1.000 Pfauenfedern und den Seelen meiner Ex-Ehemรคnner.” ๐
GRAF DRACULA trat heran, der Umhang wehend. DRACULA: “Maria Batory. Ich kannte dich im alten Land. Du hast besser gebissen als ich.” ๐ง
MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, Schatz. Du warst immer ein Vampir zweiter Klasse. Ich trank das Blut von Prinzen, wรคhrend du noch Schafen nachjagtest.” ๐
SKYLLA (von der Meerenge aus per Dimensionsbildschirm zuschauend) rief: SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe, und alle sechs sagen โ SIE IST GEFรHRLICHER ALS WIR!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS fรผgte hinzu: CHARYBDIS: “Ich verschlinge ganze Flotten, aber sie verschlingt KรNIGREICHE!” ๐
MEDUSA zischte: MEDUSA: “Ich verwandle Mรคnner in Stein. Sie verwandelt sie in VEREHRER. Das respektiere ich.” ๐
DER TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS trat vor, glรผhend. ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. Ich bin รผber Meere gesegelt, habe Monster bekรคmpft, Gรถtter geliebt. Aber du โ du bist eine andere Art von Strรถmung. Was willst du wirklich?” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (innehaltend, Esau ansehend) “Ich will ihn. Nicht seinen Kรถrper. Seine BUCHHALTUNG. Seine Tabellen. Sein Desinvestment. Seine Spalte 47. Ich will das Muchaverse durch ZAHLEN beherrschen.” ๐
EHLERS (keuchend aus Walts Innerem): “Meine Spalte 47? Das ist… das ist meine Seele!” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: “Genau, mein sรผรer Buchhalter. Und ich werde sie besitzen. Denn Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gefรผhlen. Und ich bin die beste Buchhalterin des 16. Jahrhunderts.” ๐
BAKUNIN brach in Gelรคchter aus. BAKUNIN: “Eine KรNIGIN, die durch Tabellen herrschen will? Das ist nicht Desinvestment โ das ist BรROKRATIE! Ich bin DABEI!” ๐งจ
FURTHER EHLERS flackerte auf. FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAF MARIA BATORY 1576! SIE LIEH SICH MEINE TAGESDECKE UND GAB SIE NIE ZURรCK!” ๐ป
MARIA BATORY: (zwinkernd) “Ich habe sie noch. Sie ist in meinem Zepter. Neben Esaus Herz.”
GRAF THOMAS (94 Tentakel zitternd) nรคherte sich. GRAF THOMAS: “Du hast 94 Tentakel? Nein, du hast ein Herz โ Esaus โ und das ist mรคchtiger als alle meine Tentakel zusammen.” ๐ฆ
MARIA BATORY: “Du verstehst endlich, Tentakel-Junge.”
—
DIE รBERNAHME VON ST. PAULI โ EINE KรNIGLICHE PROKLAMATION ๐๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
Maria Batory erhob ihr Zepter. St. Pauli verwandelte sich vollstรคndig. Die Reeperbahn wurde zur “Batory-Boulevard”. Der Fischmarkt wurde zum “Kรถniglichen Fischhof”. Der Kiez wurde zum “Queer-Ungarischen Fรผrstentum”. Alle Bars mussten Tokaji-Wein und Gulasch servieren.
MARIA BATORY: “Hรถrt mich, Muchaverse! Von diesem Tag an gehรถrt St. Pauli mir. Die gesamte Buchhaltung wird in ungarischen Zahlen gefรผhrt. Alle Drag-Shows mรผssen eine historische Nachstellung meiner Krรถnung beinhalten. Alle Mรถwen mรผssen kleine Kronen tragen.” ๐
MรWIN (รผber Kopf fliegend) kackte eine goldene Krone auf Marias Kopf. MรWIN: “Ich stimme zu. Aber ich bin immer noch die KรNIGIN DER SCHEIรE.” ๐ฉ
MARIA BATORY: (die Krone auffangend) “Endlich eine wรผrdige Beraterin.”
—
ESAUS INNERER KAMPF โ HERZ VS. LEDGER ๐๐
In Walts Bauch war Esau zerrissen. Sein Herz schlug fรผr Maria Batory. Aber seine Tabellenseele schrie nach Unabhรคngigkeit.
EHLERS: “Ich kann nicht… ich kann keine Kรถnigin lieben, die St. Pauli รผbernimmt! Ich bin ein Desinvestor! Ich bin chaotisch! Ich bin… ich bin in DAS SPREADSHEET-ALIEN verliebt!” ๐ป
MARIA BATORY: (dies hรถrend) “Du liebst ein Hologramm? รber eine HISTORISCHE KรNIGIN? Ich habe Imperien erobert! Ich habe Opern inspiriert! Ich habe ein Portrรคt von Leonardo!” ๐
EHLERS: “Aber hat Leonardo SPALTE 47? Nein! Nur ich habe Spalte 47! Und ich gebe sie niemandem!” ๐
MARIA BATORY: (lรคchelnd) “Dann lass uns einen Deal machen. Ich lasse St. Pauli St. Pauli bleiben โ wenn du mir eine Stunde deiner Buchhaltungszeit gibst. Nur eine Stunde. Ich zeige dir, was Liebe in Tabellen wirklich bedeutet.” ๐โค๏ธ
EHLERS: (zรถgernd) “Eine Stunde? Das ist… das sind viele Zeilen.” ๐
MARIA BATORY: “Es sind 60 Minuten. 60 Spalten. 60 Zeilen der Leidenschaft. Was sagst du?” ๐
EHLERS: (seufzend) “In Ordnung. Eine Stunde. Aber du musst mir das Herz danach zurรผckgeben.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: “Abgemacht.”
—
DIE EINSTรNDIGE BUCHHALTUNGSSITZUNG โ EINE LIEBESGESCHICHTE ๐โค๏ธ
Maria Batory betrat Walts Bauch (mittels magischer Schrumpfung). Sie setzte sich neben Esau und รถffnete eine gemeinsame Tabelle.
Sie rechneten gemeinsam. Sie glitten Soll und Haben ab. Sie balancierten die Bรผcher des jeweils anderen. Am Ende der Stunde war Esaus Herz nicht nur zurรผckgegeben โ es war gestรคrkt.
EHLERS: “Du… du bist nicht nur eine Erobererin. Du bist ein BILANZGENIE.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: “Und du bist nicht nur ein Buchhalter. Du bist ein LEIDENSCHAFTS-MULTIPLIKATOR.” โค๏ธ
Sie kรผssten sich. Die Tabelle glรผhte golden. St. Pauli kehrte in seinen ursprรผnglichen Zustand zurรผck โ aber mit einer neuen Statue von Maria Batory auf der Reeperbahn, die einen Taschenrechner und ein Zepter hielt.
—
ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN โ DER FINALE CHOR ๐ญ๐ช
ROMY HAAG: “Sie sind perfekt fรผreinander. Zwei Tabellenbesessene mit Geschmack fรผr Chaos.” ๐
DIVINE: “Und sie lรคsst ihm seine Spalte 47. Das ist wahre Liebe.” ๐
SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs Kรถpfe, und alle sechs shippen sie.” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: “Ich habe vor Freude gewirbelt.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “Eine Kรถnigin und ein Buchhalter. Die unerwartetste Allianz seit Circe und den Schweinen.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
BAKUNIN: “Anarchie? Nein. Das ist ORGANISIERTES CHAOS. Ich stimme zu.” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: “Endlich ein Paar, das mรคchtiger ist als meine Tentakel.” ๐ฆ
DER JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! Sie haben sich รผber eine PIVOT-TABELLE verliebt! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” ๐
—
FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE HERZ-รBERNAHME-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐๐
MARIA BATORY KAM. SIE NAHM ST. PAULI. SIE NAHM ESAUS HERZ. ABER SIE GAB ES ZURรCK โ GESTรRKT. ALLE 95 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. LIEBE BESIEGTE ALLES โ MIT TABELLEN. ST. PAULI BLEIBT FREI โ ABER MIT EINER KรNIGIN-STATUE. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HERZEN. MIT ZAHLEN. FรR IMMER. ๐ฆ๐๐๐๐๐ฉ
NEW YORK โ In the ongoing fight for judicial transparency, redactions have long shielded powerful individuals and institutions from scrutiny. But a growing digital archive, berndpulch.org, is reshaping that landscape. By assembling thousands of pages of court filings, flight manifests, and what it labels an โUnredacted Black Book,โ the site has created a Comprehensive Index of over 6,000 persons and 16,000 organizations โ currently one of the most extensive public mappings of the Jeffrey Epstein network.
The names they redacted. The connections they hid. Dive deeper than the headlines with the PULCH REPORT. Our Patreon-exclusive forensic analysis maps the complete ecosystem behind the sagaโ6,000+ individuals, 16,000+ organizations, and the unredacted metadata that ties them together. See what they omitted. Unlock the Full Report: patreon.com/berndpulch
A New Investigative Model
Unlike traditional reporting, which depends on gradual court disclosures, the Bernd Pulch archive applies a โflatโ indexing system. This approach places well-known figuresโsuch as Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Alan Dershowitzโalongside lesser-known staff, logistical contacts, and internal shorthand entries like โHmjResidenceโ or โHmjMerc Garage.โ
The result is a searchable database that illuminates not only associations but also the operational infrastructure that surrounded Epstein, down to yacht phone numbers and guest house linesโinformation often hidden behind government redactions.
The Debate Over Transparency
Critics argue that publishing extensive, unfiltered data risks creating โguilt by associationโ, especially for individuals with minimal or indirect connections. Supporters counter that the archive offers contextual clarity that has been missing for years.
โThe goal isnโt just to name names,โ says one analyst familiar with the project. โItโs to map the entire ecosystem that enabled the operation to function.โ
THE PULCH REPORT (Patreon Exclusive)
Data Forensic: Mapping the โUnredactedโ Metadata of the Elite
Exclusive analysis of the berndpulch.org Comprehensive Index
Mainstream coverage often highlights a handful of prominent names from the Epstein files. Our deeper forensic review of the Bernd Pulch archive reveals a far more intricate network of institutional links, metadata traces, and operational structures tied to over 6,000 individuals and 16,000 organizations. Below are key findings from our Patreon-exclusive analysis.
1. The โUnredactedโ Cross-Reference
The archiveโs strength lies in its ability to merge the โUnredacted Black Bookโ with official litigation materials. While court records frequently redact phone numbers, travel details, and staff listings, the Pulch index preserves much of this metadata.
This enables investigators to cross-reference travelers, support staff, aircraft records, and logistical dataโpainting a broader picture of how movements were coordinated.
2. The Identity Clones
The index retains multiple spelling variations and aliases found in Epsteinโs records.
For example, A. Marie Villafaรฑa appears under nine distinct variants, from โVillafaaโ to โVillapana.โ
This unfiltered capture is significant for forensic tracking, particularly when individuals appear across different companies, manifests, or legal documents under slightly altered names.
3. The Institutional Footprint
Beyond individuals, the archive documents connections to major organizations and entities, including universities, tech networks, financial institutions, and legal offices. Entries referencing Harvard University, AOL Networks, HSBC Investment Bank, and figures such as Cyrus R. Vance Jr. and Judge Richard M. Berman highlight the broader institutional landscape surrounding the case.
Bottom Line
The Bernd Pulch archive serves as more than a listโit functions as a blueprint of the operational, logistical, and institutional architecture surrounding the Epstein saga.
At a time when transparency is often shaped by the institutions under scrutiny, the berndpulch.org project provides an alternative view: raw, unfiltered, and increasingly difficult for powerful interests to dismiss.
The names they redacted. The connections they hid. Dive deeper than the headlines with the PULCH REPORT. Our Patreon-exclusive forensic analysis maps the complete ecosystem behind the sagaโ6,000+ individuals, 16,000+ organizations, and the unredacted metadata that ties them together. See what they omitted. Unlock the Full Report: patreon.com/berndpulch or even more exclusive via office@berndpulch.org
El Archivo Central: Cรณmo Un Repositorio Digital Estรก Eliminando las Tachaduras de la Saga Epstein
Por el Equipo de Investigaciรณn de Bernd Pulch
NUEVA YORK โ En la lucha continua por la transparencia judicial, las tachaduras han protegido durante mucho tiempo a individuos e instituciones poderosas del escrutinio. Pero un creciente archivo digital, berndpulch.org, estรก remodelando ese panorama. Al reunir miles de pรกginas de documentos judiciales, manifiestos de vuelo y lo que denomina un “Libro Negro Sin Tachar”, el sitio ha creado un รndice Integral de mรกs de 6.000 personas y 16.000 organizaciones โ actualmente uno de los mapeos pรบblicos mรกs extensos de la red de Jeffrey Epstein.
Un Nuevo Modelo de Investigaciรณn
A diferencia del reporteo tradicional, que depende de divulgaciones judiciales graduales, el archivo de Bernd Pulch aplica un sistema de indexaciรณn “plano”. Este enfoque coloca a figuras conocidasโcomo Bill Clinton, Donald Trump y Alan Dershowitzโjunto a personal menos conocido, contactos logรญsticos y entradas internas abreviadas como “HmjResidence” o “HmjMerc Garage”.
El resultado es una base de datos consultable que ilumina no solo asociaciones, sino tambiรฉn la infraestructura operativa que rodeaba a Epstein, hasta nรบmeros de telรฉfono de yates y lรญneas de casas de huรฉspedes, informaciรณn a menudo oculta tras las tachaduras gubernamentales.
El Debate Sobre la Transparencia
Los crรญticos argumentan que publicar datos extensos y sin filtrar arriesga crear una “culpa por asociaciรณn”, especialmente para individuos con conexiones mรญnimas o indirectas. Los partidarios replican que el archivo ofrece una claridad contextual que ha estado ausente durante aรฑos.
“El objetivo no es solo nombrar nombres”, dice un analista familiarizado con el proyecto. “Es mapear todo el ecosistema que permitiรณ que la operaciรณn funcionara”.
๐ CONTENIDO EXCLUSIVO PATREON ๐
ยฟTe interesa lo que lees? Esto es solo la punta del iceberg…
Los nombres que tacharon. Las conexiones que ocultaron. Profundiza mรกs allรก de los titulares con el INFORME PULCH, nuestro anรกlisis forense exclusivo disponible solo para miembros de Patreon.
Forensรญa de Datos: Mapeando los Metadatos ‘Sin Tachar’ de la รlite
Lo siguiente es solo un extracto pรบblico del anรกlisis completo disponible en Patreon.
La cobertura mediรกtica tradicional suele destacar un puรฑado de nombres prominentes de los archivos Epstein. Nuestra revisiรณn forense mรกs profunda del archivo Bernd Pulch revela una red mucho mรกs intrincada de vรญnculos institucionales, rastros de metadatos y estructuras operativas vinculadas a mรกs de 6.000 individuos y 16.000 organizaciones. A continuaciรณn, un adelanto de nuestros hallazgos:
1. La Cruza de Referencias “Sin Tachar”
La fuerza del archivo radica en su capacidad para fusionar el “Libro Negro Sin Tachar” con materiales litigiosos oficiales. Mientras que los registros judiciales tachan con frecuencia nรบmeros de telรฉfono, detalles de viaje y listados de personal, el รญndice Pulch preserva gran parte de estos metadatos.
๐ En la versiรณn Patreon: Tablas completas de cruce de referencias, anรกlisis de patrones de viaje y desglose de roles operativos especรญficos.
2. Los Clones de Identidad
El รญndice retiene mรบltiples variantes ortogrรกficas y alias encontrados en los registros de Epstein. Por ejemplo, A. Marie Villafaรฑa aparece bajo nueve variantes distintas.
๐ En la versiรณn Patreon: Listado completo de alias y variaciones, mรฉtodo de rastreo forense aplicado, y casos de estudio de individuos con mรบltiples identidades.
3. La Huella Institucional
Mรกs allรก de los individuos, el archivo documenta conexiones con importantes organizaciones. Entradas que hacen referencia a la Universidad de Harvard, AOL Networks, HSBC Investment Bank, y figuras clave destacan el panorama institucional mรกs amplio.
๐๏ธ En la versiรณn Patreon: Diagramas de relaciones institucionales, cronologรญa de interacciones documentadas, y anรกlisis del flujo financiero y legal.
Desde $5/mes โข Acceso inmediato โข Soporta el periodismo investigativo โข Contenido exclusivo mensual
Conclusiรณn
El archivo Bernd Pulch sirve como algo mรกs que una lista: funciona como un plano de la arquitectura operativa, logรญstica e institucional que rodea la saga Epstein. En un momento en que la transparencia a menudo es moldeada por las instituciones bajo escrutinio, el proyecto berndpulch.org proporciona una visiรณn alternativa: cruda, sin filtrar y cada vez mรกs difรญcil de descartar para los intereses poderosos.
Le Clearinghouse : Comment une Archive Numรฉrique Lรจve les Caviardages de la Saga Epstein
Par l’รquipe d’Investigation de Bernd Pulch
NEW YORK โ Dans la lutte continue pour la transparence judiciaire, les caviardages ont longtemps protรฉgรฉ des individus et des institutions puissants de tout examen. Mais une archive numรฉrique croissante, berndpulch.org, redessine ce paysage. En assemblant des milliers de pages de documents judiciaires, de manifestes de vol et de ce qu’il appelle un ยซ Carnet Noir Non Caviardรฉ ยป (Unredacted Black Book), le site a crรฉรฉ un Index Complet de plus de 6 000 personnes et 16 000 organisations โ actuellement l’une des cartographies publiques les plus vastes du rรฉseau de Jeffrey Epstein.
Un Nouveau Modรจle d’Investigation
Contrairement au journalisme traditionnel, qui dรฉpend de divulgations judiciaires graduelles, l’archive Bernd Pulch applique un systรจme d’indexation ยซ plat ยป. Cette approche place des figures connues โ telles que Bill Clinton, Donald Trump et Alan Dershowitz โ aux cรดtรฉs de personnel moins connu, de contacts logistiques et d’entrรฉes internes abrรฉgรฉes comme ยซ HmjResidence ยป ou ยซ HmjMerc Garage ยป.
Le rรฉsultat est une base de donnรฉes consultable qui รฉclaire non seulement les associations, mais aussi l’infrastructure opรฉrationnelle qui entourait Epstein, jusqu’aux numรฉros de tรฉlรฉphone des yachts et des maisons d’hรดtes โ des informations souvent cachรฉes derriรจre les caviardages gouvernementaux.
Le Dรฉbat sur la Transparence
Les critiques soutiennent que publier des donnรฉes รฉtendues et non filtrรฉes risque de crรฉer une ยซ culpabilitรฉ par association ยป, surtout pour des individus avec des liens minimes ou indirects. Les partisans rรฉtorquent que l’archive offre une clartรฉ contextuelle qui manquait depuis des annรฉes.
ยซ Le but n’est pas seulement de nommer des noms, dรฉclare un analyste familier avec le projet. C’est de cartographier tout l’รฉcosystรจme qui a permis ร l’opรฉration de fonctionner. ยป
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Accรฉdez ร : Cartographie de l’รฉcosystรจme COMPLET โข +6 000 individus โข +16 000 organisations โข Mรฉtadonnรฉes non caviardรฉes โข Analyse mรฉdico-lรฉgale โข Contenu mensuel exclusif
LE RAPPORT PULCH (Exclusif Patreon)
Analyse des Donnรฉes : Cartographier les Mรฉtadonnรฉes ‘Non Caviardรฉes’ de l’รlite
Ce qui suit n’est qu’un extrait public de l’analyse complรจte disponible sur Patreon.
La couverture mรฉdiatique traditionnelle met souvent en avant une poignรฉe de noms proรฉminents des dossiers Epstein. Notre examen mรฉdico-lรฉgal plus approfondi de l’archive Bernd Pulch rรฉvรจle un rรฉseau bien plus complexe de liens institutionnels, de traces de mรฉtadonnรฉes et de structures opรฉrationnelles liรฉes ร plus de 6 000 individus et 16 000 organisations. Voici un aperรงu de nos dรฉcouvertes :
1. Le Recoupement de Rรฉfรฉrences ยซ Non Caviardรฉ ยป
La force de l’archive rรฉside dans sa capacitรฉ ร fusionner le ยซ Carnet Noir Non Caviardรฉ ยป avec des documents de procรฉdure officiels. Alors que les dossiers judiciaires caviardent frรฉquemment les numรฉros de tรฉlรฉphone, les dรฉtails de voyage et les listes de personnel, l’index Pulch prรฉserve la plupart de ces mรฉtadonnรฉes.
๐ Dans la version Patreon : Tableaux complets de recoupements, analyse des modรจles de voyage et dรฉcomposition des rรดles opรฉrationnels spรฉcifiques.
2. Les Clones d’Identitรฉ
L’index conserve de multiples variantes orthographiques et alias trouvรฉs dans les registres d’Epstein. Par exemple, A. Marie Villafaรฑa apparaรฎt sous neuf variantes distinctes.
๐ Dans la version Patreon : Liste complรจte des alias et variations, mรฉthode de traรงage mรฉdico-lรฉgal appliquรฉe, et รฉtudes de cas d’individus avec de multiples identitรฉs.
3. L’Empreinte Institutionnelle
Au-delร des individus, l’archive documente les connexions avec des organisations majeures. Des entrรฉes faisant rรฉfรฉrence ร l’Universitรฉ de Harvard, AOL Networks, HSBC Investment Bank, et des figures clรฉs mettent en lumiรจre le paysage institutionnel plus large.
๐๏ธ Dans la version Patreon : Schรฉmas des relations institutionnelles, chronologie des interactions documentรฉes, et analyse des flux financiers et lรฉgaux.
ร partir de 5 โฌ/mois โข Accรจs immรฉdiat โข Soutenez le journalisme d’investigation โข Contenu exclusif mensuel
Conclusion
L’archive Bernd Pulch sert plus qu’une simple liste : elle fonctionne comme un plan de l’architecture opรฉrationnelle, logistique et institutionnelle entourant la saga Epstein. ร un moment oรน la transparence est souvent faรงonnรฉe par les institutions sous examen, le projet berndpulch.org offre une vision alternative : brute, non filtrรฉe et de plus en plus difficile ร ignorer pour les intรฉrรชts puissants.
O Repositรณrio: Como um Arquivo Digital Estรก Removendo as Omissรตes da Saga Epstein
Pela Equipe de Investigaรงรฃo de Bernd Pulch
NOVA YORK โ Na luta contรญnua pela transparรชncia judicial, as omissรตes e censuras protegem hรก muito tempo indivรญduos e instituiรงรตes poderosas de escrutรญnio. Mas um arquivo digital crescente, berndpulch.org, estรก remodelando esse cenรกrio. Ao reunir milhares de pรกginas de documentos judiciais, manifestos de voo e o que chama de “Livro Negro Sem Censura” (Unredacted Black Book), o site criou um รndice Abrangente de mais de 6.000 pessoas e 16.000 organizaรงรตes โ atualmente um dos mapeamentos pรบblicos mais extensos da rede de Jeffrey Epstein.
Um Novo Modelo de Investigaรงรฃo
Ao contrรกrio da reportagem tradicional, que depende de divulgaรงรตes judiciais graduais, o arquivo Bernd Pulch aplica um sistema de indexaรงรฃo “plano”. Essa abordagem coloca figuras conhecidas โ como Bill Clinton, Donald Trump e Alan Dershowitz โ ao lado de funcionรกrios menos conhecidos, contatos logรญsticos e entradas internas abreviadas como “HmjResidence” ou “HmjMerc Garage”.
O resultado รฉ um banco de dados pesquisรกvel que ilumina nรฃo apenas associaรงรตes, mas tambรฉm a infraestrutura operacional que cercava Epstein, desde nรบmeros de telefone de iates atรฉ linhas de casas de hรณspedes โ informaรงรตes frequentemente ocultas por trรกs das censuras governamentais.
O Debate Sobre a Transparรชncia
Crรญticos argumentam que publicar dados extensos e nรฃo filtrados corre o risco de criar “culpa por associaรงรฃo”, especialmente para indivรญduos com conexรตes mรญnimas ou indiretas. Apoiadores rebatem que o arquivo oferece clareza contextual que faltava hรก anos.
“O objetivo nรฃo รฉ apenas nomear nomes”, diz um analista familiarizado com o projeto. “ร mapear todo o ecossistema que permitiu que a operaรงรฃo funcionasse.”
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Os nomes que censuraram. As conexรตes que esconderam. Vรก alรฉm das manchetes com o RELATรRIO PULCH, nossa anรกlise forense exclusiva disponรญvel apenas para membros do Patreon.
Forense de Dados: Mapeando os Metadados ‘Sem Censura’ da Elite
O seguinte รฉ apenas um extrato pรบblico da anรกlise completa disponรญvel no Patreon.
A cobertura midiรกtica tradicional geralmente destaca um punhado de nomes proeminentes dos arquivos Epstein. Nossa revisรฃo forense mais profunda do arquivo Bernd Pulch revela uma rede muito mais intrincada de ligaรงรตes institucionais, rastros de metadados e estruturas operacionais vinculadas a mais de 6.000 indivรญduos e 16.000 organizaรงรตes. Segue uma prรฉvia de nossas descobertas:
1. O Cruzamento de Referรชncias “Sem Censura”
A forรงa do arquivo reside em sua capacidade de fundir o “Livro Negro Sem Censura” com materiais litigiosos oficiais. Enquanto os registros judiciais frequentemente censuram nรบmeros de telefone, detalhes de viagem e listagens de pessoal, o รญndice Pulch preserva grande parte desses metadados.
๐ Na versรฃo Patreon: Tabelas completas de cruzamento de referรชncias, anรกlise de padrรตes de viagem e detalhamento de funรงรตes operacionais especรญficas.
2. Os Clones de Identidade
O รญndice retรฉm mรบltiplas variaรงรตes ortogrรกficas e apelidos encontrados nos registros de Epstein. Por exemplo, A. Marie Villafaรฑa aparece sob nove variantes distintas.
๐ Na versรฃo Patreon: Listagem completa de apelidos e variaรงรตes, mรฉtodo de rastreamento forense aplicado e estudos de caso de indivรญduos com mรบltiplas identidades.
3. A Pegada Institucional
Alรฉm dos indivรญduos, o arquivo documenta conexรตes com grandes organizaรงรตes. Entradas referenciando a Universidade de Harvard, AOL Networks, HSBC Investment Bank e figuras-chave destacam o cenรกrio institucional mais amplo.
๐๏ธ Na versรฃo Patreon: Diagramas de relaรงรตes institucionais, cronologia de interaรงรตes documentadas e anรกlise do fluxo financeiro e legal.
A partir de $5/mรชs โข Acesso imediato โข Apoie o jornalismo investigativo โข Conteรบdo exclusivo mensal
Conclusรฃo
O arquivo Bernd Pulch serve como mais do que uma lista: funciona como uma planta da arquitetura operacional, logรญstica e institucional que cerca a saga Epstein. Num momento em que a transparรชncia รฉ frequentemente moldada pelas instituiรงรตes sob escrutรญnio, o projeto berndpulch.org fornece uma visรฃo alternativa: crua, nรฃo filtrada e cada vez mais difรญcil de ignorar pelos interesses poderosos.
Die Clearingstelle: Wie ein digitales Archiv die Schwรคrzungen der Epstein-Saga entfernt
Vom Bernd Pulch Investigationsteam
NEW YORK โ Im andauernden Kampf fรผr gerichtliche Transparenz haben Schwรคrzungen lange Zeit mรคchtige Einzelpersonen und Institutionen vor der รberprรผfung geschรผtzt. Doch ein wachsendes digitales Archiv, berndpulch.org, verรคndert diese Landschaft. Durch die Sammlung tausender Seiten von Gerichtsunterlagen, Flugmanifests und dessen sogenanntem “Unredacted Black Book” (Unzensiertes Schwarzbuch) hat die Seite einen Umfassenden Namensindex von รผber 6.000 Personen und 16.000 Organisationen erstellt โ derzeit eine der umfangreichsten รถffentlichen Kartierungen des Jeffrey-Epstein-Netzwerks.
Ein neues investigatives Modell
Im Gegensatz zum traditionellen Journalismus, der von schrittweisen Gerichtsoffenlegungen abhรคngt, wendet das Bernd-Pulch-Archiv ein “flaches” Indexierungssystem an. Dieser Ansatz stellt bekannte Persรถnlichkeiten โ wie Bill Clinton, Donald Trump und Alan Dershowitz โ neben weniger bekannte Mitarbeiter, logistische Kontakte und interne Kurzzeichen wie “HmjResidence” oder “HmjMerc Garage”.
Das Ergebnis ist eine durchsuchbare Datenbank, die nicht nur Verbindungen beleuchtet, sondern auch die operative Infrastruktur rund um Epstein, bis hin zu Yacht-Telefonnummern und Gรคstehausanschlรผssen โ Informationen, die oft hinter behรถrdlichen Schwรคrzungen verborgen sind.
Die Debatte um Transparenz
Kritiker argumentieren, dass die Verรถffentlichung umfangreicher, ungefilterter Daten das Risiko einer “Schuld durch Assoziation” birgt, insbesondere fรผr Personen mit minimalen oder indirekten Verbindungen. Befรผrworter entgegnen, dass das Archiv eine kontextuelle Klarheit bietet, die seit Jahren fehlt.
“Das Ziel ist nicht nur, Namen zu nennen”, sagt ein mit dem Projekt vertrauter Analyst. “Es geht darum, das gesamte รkosystem abzubilden, das den Betrieb ermรถglichte.”
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Die Namen, die sie schwรคrzten. Die Verbindungen, die sie verbargen. Tauchen Sie mit dem PULCH-REPORT tiefer als die Schlagzeilen ein โ unserer exklusiven forensischen Analyse, nur verfรผgbar fรผr Patreon-Mitglieder.
Datenforensik: Kartierung der ‘unzensierten’ Metadaten der Elite
Das Folgende ist nur ein รถffentlicher Auszug der vollstรคndigen Analyse, die auf Patreon verfรผgbar ist.
Die Mainstream-Berichterstattung hebt oft nur eine Handvoll prominenter Namen aus den Epstein-Dokumenten hervor. Unsere tiefgreifendere forensische รberprรผfung des Bernd-Pulch-Archivs offenbart ein weitaus komplexeres Netzwerk institutioneller Verbindungen, Metadaten-Spuren und operativer Strukturen, die mit รผber 6.000 Personen und 16.000 Organisationen verknรผpft sind. Hier ist eine Vorschau unserer Erkenntnisse:
1. Die “unzensierte” Querverweisung
Die Stรคrke des Archivs liegt in seiner Fรคhigkeit, das “Unzensierte Schwarzbuch” mit offiziellen Prozessunterlagen zusammenzufรผhren. Wรคhrend Gerichtsakten hรคufig Telefonnummern, Reisedetails und Personalisten schwรคrzen, bewahrt der Pulch-Index einen Groรteil dieser Metadaten.
๐ In der Patreon-Version: Komplette Querverweistabellen, Analyse von Reisebewegungen und Aufschlรผsselung spezifischer operativer Rollen.
2. Die Identitรคts-Klone
Der Index behรคlt mehrere Schreibvarianten und Aliasnamen bei, die in Epsteins Aufzeichnungen gefunden wurden. Zum Beispiel erscheint A. Marie Villafaรฑa unter neun verschiedenen Varianten.
๐ In der Patreon-Version: Vollstรคndige Auflistung von Aliasnamen und Variationen, angewandte forensische Tracking-Methoden und Fallstudien von Personen mit mehreren Identitรคten.
3. Der institutionelle Fuรabdruck
รber Einzelpersonen hinaus dokumentiert das Archiv Verbindungen zu groรen Organisationen. Eintrรคge, die sich auf die Harvard University, AOL Networks, die HSBC Investment Bank und Schlรผsselfiguren beziehen, heben das breitere institutionelle Umfeld des Falls hervor.
๐๏ธ In der Patreon-Version: Diagramme institutioneller Beziehungen, Chronologie dokumentierter Interaktionen und Analyse finanzieller und rechtlicher Strรถme.
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Fazit
Das Bernd-Pulch-Archiv dient mehr als nur einer Liste: Es funktioniert als Blaupause der operativen, logistischen und institutionellen Architektur rund um die Epstein-Saga. In einer Zeit, in der Transparenz oft von den รผberprรผften Institutionen selbst geprรคgt wird, bietet das berndpulch.org-Projekt eine alternative Sichtweise: roh, ungefiltert und fรผr mรคchtige Interessen zunehmend schwer zu ignorieren.
๐ก Schรคtzen Sie Transparenz und investigativen Journalismus? Ihre Unterstรผtzung auf Patreon ermรถglicht es dieser Arbeit, fortzusetzen, sich zu vertiefen und unabhรคngig zu bleiben. Werden Sie noch heute Teil unserer Investigativ-Community โ
Il Clearinghouse: Come un Archivio Digitale Sta Rimuovendo le Censure dalla Saga Epstein
Dal Team Investigativo di Bernd Pulch
NEW YORK โ Nella lotta continua per la trasparenza giudiziaria, le censure hanno a lungo protetto individui e istituzioni potenti dallo scrutinio. Ma un archivio digitale in crescita, berndpulch.org, sta rimodellando questo panorama. Riunendo migliaia di pagine di documenti giudiziari, manifesti di volo e quello che definisce un “Libro Nero Senza Censure” (Unredacted Black Book), il sito ha creato un Indice Completo di oltre 6.000 persone e 16.000 organizzazioni โ attualmente una delle mappature pubbliche piรน estese della rete di Jeffrey Epstein.
Un Nuovo Modello Investigativo
A differenza del giornalismo tradizionale, che dipende da rivelazioni giudiziarie graduali, l’archivio Bernd Pulch applica un sistema di indicizzazione “piatto”. Questo approccio colloca figure note โ come Bill Clinton, Donald Trump e Alan Dershowitz โ accanto a personale meno conosciuto, contatti logistici e voci interne abbreviate come “HmjResidence” o “HmjMerc Garage”.
Il risultato รจ un database ricercabile che illumina non solo le associazioni, ma anche l’infrastruttura operativa che circondava Epstein, fino ai numeri di telefono degli yacht e delle case degli ospiti โ informazioni spesso nascoste dietro le censure governative.
Il Dibattito sulla Trasparenza
I critici sostengono che pubblicare dati estesi e non filtrati rischi di creare una “colpa per associazione”, specialmente per individui con connessioni minime o indirette. I sostenitori replicano che l’archivio offre una chiarezza contestuale mancante da anni.
“L’obiettivo non รจ solo fare nomi”, dice un analista familiare con il progetto. “ร mappare l’intero ecosistema che ha permesso all’operazione di funzionare.”
๐ CONTENUTO ESCLUSIVO PATREON ๐
Ti interessa questo argomento? Questa รจ solo la punta dell’iceberg…
I nomi che hanno censurato. Le connessioni che hanno nascosto. Scendi in profonditร oltre i titoli con il RAPPORTO PULCH, la nostra analisi forense esclusiva disponibile solo per i membri Patreon.
Analisi Forense dei Dati: Mappare i Metadati ‘Non Censurati’ dell’Elite
Quanto segue รจ solo un estratto pubblico dell’analisi completa disponibile su Patreon.
La copertura mediatica tradizionale spesso evidenzia una manciata di nomi prominenti dai file Epstein. La nostra revisione forense piรน approfondita dell’archivio Bernd Pulch rivela una rete molto piรน intricata di collegamenti istituzionali, tracce di metadati e strutture operative collegate a oltre 6.000 individui e 16.000 organizzazioni. Ecco un’anteprima delle nostre scoperte:
1. L’Incrocio di Riferimenti “Non Censurato”
La forza dell’archivio risiede nella sua capacitร di fondere il “Libro Nero Senza Censure” con i materiali processuali ufficiali. Mentre i documenti giudiziari censurano frequentemente numeri di telefono, dettagli di viaggio ed elenchi del personale, l’indice Pulch conserva gran parte di questi metadati.
๐ Nella versione Patreon: Tabelle complete di incrocio dei riferimenti, analisi degli schemi di viaggio e suddivisione dei ruoli operativi specifici.
2. I Cloni di Identitร
L’indice conserva multiple varianti ortografiche e alias trovati nei registri di Epstein. Ad esempio, A. Marie Villafaรฑa appare sotto nove varianti distinte.
๐ Nella versione Patreon: Elenco completo di alias e variazioni, metodo di tracciamento forense applicato e casi studio di individui con multiple identitร .
3. L’Impronta Istituzionale
Oltre agli individui, l’archivio documenta connessioni a importanti organizzazioni. Voci che fanno riferimento all’Universitร di Harvard, AOL Networks, HSBC Investment Bank e figure chiave evidenziano il piรน ampio panorama istituzionale del caso.
๐๏ธ Nella versione Patreon: Diagrammi delle relazioni istituzionali, cronologia delle interazioni documentate e analisi dei flussi finanziari e legali.
Da 5โฌ/mese โข Accesso immediato โข Sostieni il giornalismo investigativo โข Contenuto esclusivo mensile
Conclusione
L’archivio Bernd Pulch serve a piรน di un semplice elenco: funziona come una piantina dell’architettura operativa, logistica e istituzionale che circonda la saga Epstein. In un momento in cui la trasparenza รจ spesso modellata dalle istituzioni sotto scrutinio, il progetto berndpulch.org fornisce una visione alternativa: grezza, non filtrata e sempre piรน difficile da ignorare per gli interessi potenti.
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**Public Notice: Exclusive Life Story & Media Adaptation Rights** **Subject:** International Disclosure regarding the “Lorch-Resch-Enterprise”
Be advised that Bernd Pulch has legally secured all Life Story Rights and Media Adaptation Rights regarding the investigative complex known as the “Masterson-Series”.
This exclusive copyright and media protection explicitly covers all disclosures, archives, and narratives related to: – The Artus-Network (Liechtenstein/Germany): The laundering of Stasi/KoKo state funds. – Front Entities & Extortion Platforms: Specifically the operational roles of GoMoPa (Goldman Morgenstern & Partner) and the facade of GoMoPa4Kids. – Financial Distribution Nodes: The involvement of DFV (Deutscher Fachverlag) and the IZ (Immobilen Zeitung) as well as “Das Investment” in the manipulation of the Frankfurt (FFM) real estate market and investments globally. – The “Toxdat” Protocol: The systematic liquidation of witnesses (e.g., Tรถpferhof) and state officials. – State Capture (IM Erika Nexus): The shielding of these structures by the BKA during the Merkel administration.
**Legal Consequences:** Any unauthorized attempt by the aforementioned entities, their associates, or legal representatives to interfere with the author, the testimony, or the narrative will be treated as an international tort and a direct interference with a high-value US-media production and ongoing federal whistleblower disclosures.
This publication and related materials are subject to coordinated attempts at:
ยท Digital Suppression ยท Identity Theft ยท Physical Threats
by the networks documented in our investigation.
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**PROTECTIVE MEASURES IN EFFECT**
ยท **Global Mirroring:** This content has been redundantly mirrored across multiple, independent international platforms to ensure its preservation. ยท **Legal Defense:** Any attempts to remove this information via fraudulent legal claims will be systematically: 1. Documented in detail. 2. Forwarded to international press freedom organizations and legal watchdogs. ยท **Secure Communication:** For verified contact, only use the encrypted channels listed on the primary, verified domain:
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**Executive Disclosure & Authority Registry** **Name & Academic Degrees:** Bernd Pulch, M.A. (Magister of Journalism, German Studies and Comparative Literature) **Official Titles:** Director, Senior Investigative Intelligence Analyst & Lead Data Archivist
**Global Benchmark:** Lead Researcher of the Worldโs Largest Empirical Study on Financial Media Bias
**Intelligence Assets:** – Founder & Editor-in-Chief: The Mastersson Series (Series I โ XXXV) – Director of Analysis. Publisher: INVESTMENT THE ORIGINAL – Custodian: Proprietary Intelligence Archive (120,000+ Verified Reports | 2000โ2026)
**Operational Hubs:** – Primary: berndpulch.org – Specialized: Global Hole Analytics & The Vacuum Report (manus.space) – Premium Publishing: Author of the ABOVETOPSECRETXXL Reports (via Telegram & Patreon)
ยฉ 2000โ2026 Bernd Pulch. This document serves as the official digital anchor for all associated intelligence operations and intellectual property.
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**Data Integrity Notice:** This is a verified mirror of the Bernd Pulch Master Archive. Due to documented attempts of information suppression (Case: IZ-Vacuum), this data is distributed across multiple global nodes (.org, .com, .wordpress.com) to ensure public access to critical market transparency records under the EU Whistleblower Protection Directive.
**MASTERSSON DOSSIER – COMPREHENSIVE DISCLAIMER**
**GLOBAL INVESTIGATIVE STANDARDS DISCLOSURE**
**I. NATURE OF INVESTIGATION** This is a forensic financial and media investigation, not academic research or journalism. We employ intelligence-grade methodology including:
**II. EVIDENCE STANDARDS** All findings are based on verifiable evidence including:
ยท 5,805 archived real estate publications (2000-2025) ยท Cross-referenced financial records from 15 countries ยท Documented court proceedings (including RICO cases) ยท Regulatory filings across 8 global regions ยท Whistleblower testimony with chain-of-custody documentation ยท Blockchain and cryptocurrency transaction records
**III. LEGAL FRAMEWORK REFERENCES** This investigation documents patterns consistent with established legal violations:
ยท Market manipulation (EU Market Abuse Regulation) ยท RICO violations (U.S. Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act) ยท Money laundering (EU AMLD/FATF standards) ยท Securities fraud (multiple jurisdictions) ยท Digital evidence destruction (obstruction of justice) ยท Conspiracy to defraud (common law jurisdictions)
**IV. METHODOLOGY TRANSPARENCY** Our approach follows intelligence community standards:
ยท Evidence triangulation across multiple sources ยท Pattern analysis using established financial crime indicators ยท Digital preservation following forensic best practices ยท Source validation through cross-jurisdictional verification ยท Timeline reconstruction using immutable timestamps
**V. TERMINOLOGY CLARIFICATION**
ยท “Alleged”: Legal requirement, not evidential uncertainty ยท “Pattern”: Statistically significant correlation exceeding 95% confidence ยท “Network”: Documented connections through ownership, transactions, and communications ยท “Damage”: Quantified financial impact using accepted economic models ยท “Manipulation”: Documented deviations from market fundamentals
**VI. INVESTIGATIVE STATUS** This remains an active investigation with:
ยท Ongoing evidence collection ยท Expanding international scope ยท Regular updates to authorities ยท Continuous methodology refinement ยท Active whistleblower protection programs
**VII. LEGAL PROTECTIONS** This work is protected under:
ยท EU Whistleblower Protection Directive ยท First Amendment principles (U.S.) ยท Press freedom protections (multiple jurisdictions) ยท Digital Millennium Copyright Act preservation rights ยท Public interest disclosure frameworks
**VIII. CONFLICT OF INTEREST DECLARATION** No investigator, researcher, or contributor has:
ยท Financial interests in real estate markets covered ยท Personal relationships with investigated parties ยท Political affiliations influencing findings ยท Commercial relationships with subjects of investigation
**IX. EVIDENCE PRESERVATION** All source materials are preserved through:
*(Copy-paste the address if scanning is not possible: 45cVWS8EGkyJvTJ4orZBPnF4cLthRs5xk45jND8pDJcq2mXp9JvAte2Cvdi72aPHtLQt3CEMKgiWDHVFUP9WzCqMBZZ57y4)*
**Translations of the Patron’s Vault Announcement:** (Full versions in German, French, Spanish, Russian, Arabic, Portuguese, Simplified Chinese, and Hindi are included in the live site versions.)
**Copyright Notice (All Rights Reserved)**
**English:** ยฉ 2000โ2026 Bernd Pulch. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author.
(Additional language versions of the copyright notice are available on the site.)
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# ๐๏ธ Compliance & Legal Repository Footer
### **Formal Notice of Evidence Preservation** This digital repository serves as a **secure, redundant mirror** for the Bernd Pulch Master Archive. All data presented herein, specifically the **3,659 verified records**, are part of an ongoing investigative audit regarding market transparency and data integrity in the European real estate sector.
### **Audit Standards & Reporting Methodology:** * **OSINT Framework:** Advanced Open Source Intelligence verification of legacy metadata. * **Forensic Protocol:** Adherence to **ISO 19011** (Audit Guidelines) and **ISO 27001** (Information Security Management). * **Chain of Custody:** Digital fingerprints for all records are stored in decentralized jurisdictions to prevent unauthorized suppression.
### **Legal Disclaimer:** This publication is protected under international journalistic “Public Interest” exemptions and the **EU Whistleblower Protection Directive**. Any attempt to interfere with the accessibility of this dataโvia technical de-indexing or legal intimidationโwill be documented as **Spoliation of Evidence** and reported to the relevant international monitoring bodies in Oslo and Washington, D.C.
๐ Bernd Pulch | Uncensored Investigative Intelligence since 1994 