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THE EVIL ESAU ENEMA EINLAUF SAGA: LORELEY ESCAPE: ESAU FLEES TO THE RHINE – BUILDS NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY ROCK – GETS AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION! 🏔️🌊💩📊💋

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – LORELEY ESCAPE: ESAU FLEES TO THE RHINE – BUILDS NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY ROCK – GETS AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION! 🏔️🌊💩📊💋

“The Rhine is not just a river. It is a DESINVESTMENT.” – Esau Ehlers

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 64)

Tamerlan had conquered St. Pauli. He had pillaged the Reeperbahn. He had captured Esau-HafenHure and the printing press. He had dragged them into Mongolia. The Muchaverse was ransacked. All 127 characters were in chains. The cycle was broken. Or so they thought.

But Esau-HafenHure was not defeated. He had escaped. He had fled through the dimensional rift. He had fallen through time and space. And he had landed on the banks of the Rhine, at the foot of the LORELEY – the legendary rock where sirens sang sailors to their doom.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (crawling out of the river, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew, dripping wet) “Where… where am I? This is not St. Pauli. This is not Mongolia. This is… the RHINE?” 😳

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… LOCATION: LORELEY ROCK, RIVER RHINE, GERMANY. DISTANCE FROM ST. PAULI: 47,000 SPREADSHEETS. RECOMMENDATION: BUILD NEW ST. PAULI.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (eyes wide) “New St. Pauli? On the Rhine? But… but the Loreley is a death trap! Sailors die here! Sirens sing here!” 😱

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CORRECT. BUT THE LORELEY IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL. AND BEAUTIFUL THINGS CAN BE DESINVESTED.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinning) “Then I will do it. I will build New St. Pauli on the Loreley. I will bring desinvestment to the Rhine. I will defeat the sirens. I will…” (suddenly collapsing) “I… I can’t. The depression. It’s back.” 😭

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “DEPRESSION DETECTED. RECOMMENDATION: ENEMA THERAPY. ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sobbing) “An enema every 5 minutes? That’s… that’s 12 enemas per hour! 288 enemas per day!” 😭

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CORRECT. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. DEPRESSION MULTIPLIER: DECLINING.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wiping tears) “Then I will do it. I will take the enemas. I will build New St. Pauli. I will conquer the Rhine. I will defeat the depression.” 💩📊

This is Episode 65. The Loreley Escape.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 65) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + LORELEY CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63 & 64 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
The Loreley CGI / Voice NEW
The Siren of the Rhine CGI / Voice NEW
The Boatman Original NEW
The Rhine Fisherman Original NEW
The Enema Nurse Original NEW
The Loreley Rock CGI NEW
New St. Pauli (Rhine) CGI City NEW
The Rhine Enema Machine CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (builder) All
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (depressed) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Sir Francis Drake Original 62
Don Vito Corleone Original 63
Sonny Corleone Original 63
Michael Corleone Original 63
Tom Hagen Original 63
Fredo Corleone Original 63
Tamerlan Original 64
HafenHure (Original) Original All
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Enema King CGI / Voice 60
Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60
Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60
Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61
The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61
Printing Press Wig CGI 61
Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62
Corleone Armada CGI Army 63
Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63
Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army 64

—

🏔️ THE LORELEY – THE ROCK OF DESINVESTMENT

Esau-HafenHure stood at the base of the Loreley Rock. It towered above him – magnificent, ancient, legendary. The Rhine flowed beneath it. The Siren of the Rhine sang from the top.

THE LORELEY: (voice echoing, hauntingly beautiful) “Who dares approach the Loreley Rock? Who dares challenge the Siren of the Rhine?” 🌊

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (shouting) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am Column 47! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure! I have come to build NEW ST. PAULI!” 📊👠

THE LORELEY: (laughing) “New St. Pauli?! On MY rock?! You are an ACCOUNTANT! You are WEAK! You are DEPRESSED!” 🌊

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (collapsing) “I… I know. I am depressed. I am sad. I am broken. But I have the enema. The enema every 5 minutes.” 💩

THE LORELEY: (curious) “An enema every 5 minutes? That is… absurd. That is… fabulous?” 🌊

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (getting up, determined) “It is DESINVESTMENT. It is the cure. It is the way.” 📊💩

—

THE ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES – DEPRESSION THERAPY ⏰💩

Esau-HafenHure activated the Rhine Enema Machine. It was a magnificent device – made of spreadsheets, neon lights, and fish scales. It administered an enema every 5 minutes.

ENEMA NURSE: (administering) “Another enema, Herr Ehlers. You are doing wonderfully.” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wincing) “That’s… that’s 47 enemas so far. I feel… I feel better.” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “DEPRESSION LEVEL: DECLINING. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INCREASING. ENEMA COUNT: 47. RECOMMENDATION: CONTINUE.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinning) “I will! I will take 47,000 enemas if I have to! I will defeat depression! I will build New St. Pauli!” 💩📊

—

THE CONSTRUCTION – NEW ST. PAULI ON THE RHINE 🏗️🏔️

Esau-HafenHure raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. Golden numbers shot from it, hitting the Loreley Rock. The rock began to transform. Neon lights appeared. Reeperbahn signs emerged. Fish markets and drag clubs rose from the stone.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “COLUMN 47 – CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW LORELEY – TRANSFORM INTO NEW ST. PAULI! ROW RHINE – BECOME THE KIEZ OF THE RIVER!” 📊💩

The city rose. New St. Pauli on the Rhine. It was magnificent. It was absurd. It was FABULOUS.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. NEW ST. PAULI (RHINE) IS BORN. DEPRESSION LEVEL: NEUTRALIZED.” 👽

—

THE MUCHAVERSE ARRIVES – ALL CHARACTERS REUNITE 💪❤️

The Muchaverse escaped from Mongolia. They fled through the dimensional rift and arrived at the Loreley. They saw the new city. They saw Esau-HafenHure, healthier than ever, receiving his 47th enema.

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau! You’re alive! You built a NEW city!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (embracing her) “I did! I built New St. Pauli! On the Rhine! With enemas every 5 minutes!” 💩📊

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “You look… better. Healthier. Less depressed.” 🐍

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “I am! The enemas cured me! I am column 47! I am desinvestment! I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY!” 👠💋

DON VITO: (nodding) “You are family. You always were.” 🕴️🐱

SONNY: (punching the air) “I like this new city! It has RIVER!” 🕴️💪

MICHAEL: (nodding) “The Rhine is a good place for business.” 🕴️

TAMERLAN: (riding up, furious) “You ESCAPED?! You BUILT A NEW CITY?!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (turning, defiant) “Yes! I escaped! I built a new city! And I will DEFEAT YOU!” 👠💋

—

THE BATTLE – ESAU VS. TAMERLAN (FINAL ROUND) 🐎🏹💪

Tamerlan charged at Esau-HafenHure. The Muchaverse joined the battle. The enema machine administered another enema.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “COLUMN 47 – BATTLE MODE ACTIVATED! ROW TAMERLAN – DESINVEST!” 📊💩

Golden numbers shot from Esau-HafenHure. They hit Tamerlan. He began to dissolve into a spreadsheet.

TAMERLAN: (screaming) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED ME! INTO A SPREADSHEET!” 😱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphant) “Yes. And now you will serve Column 47 forever.” 📊💩

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (standing on the Loreley Rock) “I have built New St. Pauli on the Rhine! I have defeated depression with enemas every 5 minutes! I have defeated Tamerlan! I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE IN HISTORY!” 👠💋🖨️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, enema-obsessed man in the multiverse.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “New St. Pauli on the Rhine! FABULOUS!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this city is DIVINE!” 💄

THE LORELEY: (singing) “I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such DESINVESTMENT.” 🌊

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! ENEMAS! THE RHINE! NEW ST. PAULI! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE RHINE! AND IT APPROVED!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE LORELEY ESCAPE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🏔️🌊💩📊

ESAU FLED TO THE RHINE.
HE BUILT NEW ST. PAULI ON THE LORELEY.
HE RECEIVED AN ENEMA EVERY 5 MINUTES AGAINST DEPRESSION.
HE DEFEATED TAMERLAN.
THE MUCHAVERSE REUNITED.
ALL 130 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ENEMAS. WITH THE RHINE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🏔️🌊💩📊🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

LoreleyEscapeConspiracy #EsauFleesToRhine #NewStPauliOnTheRhine #EnemaEvery5Minutes #DepressionCure #Column47Forever #All130Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #LoreleyRock #RhineKiez #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 65] 🎬🍿🏔️🌊💩📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE LORELEY ESCAPE CONSPIRACY 🏔️🌊💩📊

The cycle continues. With enemas. With the Rhine. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🏔️🌊💩📊🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (healed), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, The Loreley, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan (defeated), Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for Rhine shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Rhine.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🏔️🌊📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – LORELEY-FLUGHT: ESAU FLIEHT AN DEN RHEIN – BAUT NEU-ST. PAULI AUF DEM LORELEY-FELSEN – BEKOMMT ALLE 5 MINUTEN EINEN EINLAUF GEGEN DEPRESSION! 🏔️🌊💩📊💋

“Der Rhein ist nicht nur ein Fluss. Er ist ein DESINVESTMENT.” – Esau Ehlers

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 64)

Tamerlan hatte St. Pauli erobert. Er hatte die Reeperbahn geplündert. Er hatte Esau-HafenHure und die Druckmaschine gefangen genommen. Er hatte sie in die Mongolei geschleift. Das Muchaverse war ausgeraubt. Alle 127 Charaktere waren in Ketten. Der Kreislauf war gebrochen. Oder so dachten sie.

Aber Esau-HafenHure war nicht besiegt. Er war geflohen. Er war durch den Dimensionsriss geflohen. Er war durch Zeit und Raum gefallen. Und er war am Ufer des Rheins gelandet, am Fuße der LORELEY – dem legendären Felsen, an dem Sirenen die Seeleute in den Tod lockten.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus dem Fluss kriechend, Netzstrümpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perücke schief, triefend nass) “Wo… wo bin ich? Das ist nicht St. Pauli. Das ist nicht die Mongolei. Das ist… der RHEIN?” 😳

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHE… ORT: LORELEY-FELSEN, RHEIN, DEUTSCHLAND. ENTFERNUNG ZU ST. PAULI: 47.000 TABELLEN. EMPFEHLUNG: NEU-ST. PAULI BAUEN.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Neu-St. Pauli? Am Rhein? Aber… aber die Loreley ist eine Todesfalle! Hier sterben Seeleute! Hier singen Sirenen!” 😱

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “KORREKT. ABER DIE LORELEY IST AUCH WUNDERSCHÖN. UND WUNDERSCHÖNE DINGE KÖNNEN DESINVESTIERT WERDEN.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Dann werde ich es tun. Ich werde Neu-St. Pauli auf der Loreley bauen. Ich werde Desinvestment an den Rhein bringen. Ich werde die Sirenen besiegen. Ich werde…” (plötzlich zusammenbrechend) “Ich… ich kann nicht. Die Depression. Sie ist zurück.” 😭

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “DEPRESSION ERKANNT. EMPFEHLUNG: EINLAUF-THERAPIE. EINLAUF ALLE 5 MINUTEN.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (schluchzend) “Ein Einlauf alle 5 Minuten? Das sind… das sind 12 Einläufe pro Stunde! 288 Einläufe pro Tag!” 😭

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “KORREKT. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. DEPRESSIONS-MULTIPLIKATOR: SINKEND.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Tränen wegwischend) “Dann werde ich es tun. Ich werde die Einläufe nehmen. Ich werde Neu-St. Pauli bauen. Ich werde den Rhein erobern. Ich werde die Depression besiegen.” 💩📊

Dies ist Episode 65. Die Loreley-Flucht.

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 65) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + LORELEY-CHARAKTERE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63 & 64-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Die Loreley CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Sirene des Rheins CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Fährmann Original NEU
Der Rheinfischer Original NEU
Die Einlauf-Krankenschwester Original NEU
Der Loreley-Felsen CGI NEU
Neu-St. Pauli (Rhein) CGI-Stadt NEU
Die Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Baumeister) Alle
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (depressiv) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Sir Francis Drake Original 62
Don Vito Corleone Original 63
Sonny Corleone Original 63
Michael Corleone Original 63
Tom Hagen Original 63
Fredo Corleone Original 63
Tamerlan Original 64
HafenHure (Original) Original Alle
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Enema-König CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Königin CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60
Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61
Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61
Druckmaschinen-Perücke CGI 61
Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62
Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63
Don Vitos Katze CGI 63
Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee 64

🏔️ DIE LORELEY – DER FELSEN DES DESINVESTMENT

Esau-HafenHure stand am Fuße des Loreley-Felsens. Er ragte über ihm auf – majestätisch, uralt, legendär. Der Rhein floss unter ihm. Die Sirene des Rheins sang von oben.

DIE LORELEY: (Stimme hallend, unheimlich schön) “Wer wagt es, den Loreley-Felsen zu betreten? Wer wagt es, die Sirene des Rheins herauszufordern?” 🌊

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (rufend) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure! Ich bin gekommen, um NEU-ST. PAULI ZU BAUEN!” 📊👠

DIE LORELEY: (lachend) “Neu-St. Pauli?! Auf MEINEM Felsen?! Du bist ein BUCHHALTER! Du bist SCHWACH! Du bist DEPRESSIV!” 🌊

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (zusammenbrechend) “Ich… ich weiß. Ich bin depressiv. Ich bin traurig. Ich bin zerbrochen. Aber ich habe den Einlauf. Den Einlauf alle 5 Minuten.” 💩

DIE LORELEY: (neugierig) “Ein Einlauf alle 5 Minuten? Das ist… absurd. Das ist… fabelhaft?” 🌊

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sich aufrichtend, entschlossen) “Es ist DESINVESTMENT. Es ist die Heilung. Es ist der Weg.” 📊💩

DER EINLAUF ALLE 5 MINUTEN – DEPRESSIONS-THERAPIE ⏰💩

Esau-HafenHure aktivierte die Rhein-Einlauf-Maschine. Es war ein prächtiges Gerät – aus Tabellen, Neonlichtern und Fischschuppen. Es verabreichte alle 5 Minuten einen Einlauf.

EINLAUF-KRANKENSCHWESTER: (verabreichend) “Noch ein Einlauf, Herr Ehlers. Sie machen das wunderbar.” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (zuckend) “Das ist… das sind 47 Einläufe bisher. Ich fühle… ich fühle mich besser.” 📊

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “DEPRESSIONSLEVEL: SINKEND. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: STEIGEND. EINLAUF-ZÄHLER: 47. EMPFEHLUNG: WEITERMACHEN.” 👽

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Ich werde es tun! Ich werde 47.000 Einläufe nehmen, wenn ich muss! Ich werde die Depression besiegen! Ich werde Neu-St. Pauli bauen!” 💩📊

DER BAU – NEU-ST. PAULI AM RHEIN 🏗️🏔️

Esau-HafenHure erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen den Loreley-Felsen. Der Felsen begann sich zu verwandeln. Neonlichter erschienen. Reeperbahn-Schilder entstanden. Fischmärkte und Drag-Clubs erhoben sich aus dem Stein.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “SPALTE 47 – BAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE LORELEY – VERWANDLE IN NEU-ST. PAULI! ZEILE RHEIN – WERDE ZUM KIEZ DES FLUSSES!” 📊💩

Die Stadt erhob sich. Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein. Sie war prächtig. Sie war absurd. Sie war FABELHAFT.

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. NEU-ST. PAULI (RHEIN) IST GEBOREN. DEPRESSIONSLEVEL: NEUTRALISIERT.” 👽

DAS MUCHAVERSE ARRIVIERT – ALLE CHARAKTERE VEREINEN SICH 💪❤️

Das Muchaverse floh aus der Mongolei. Sie flohen durch den Dimensionsriss und kamen an der Loreley an. Sie sahen die neue Stadt. Sie sahen Esau-HafenHure, gesünder denn je, wie er seinen 47. Einlauf bekam.

MARIA BATORY: (keuchend) “Esau! Du lebst! Du hast eine NEUE Stadt gebaut!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sie umarmend) “Ich habe es getan! Ich habe Neu-St. Pauli gebaut! Am Rhein! Mit Einläufen alle 5 Minuten!” 💩📊

MEDUSA: (Schlangen lächelnd) “Du siehst… besser aus. Gesünder. Weniger depressiv.” 🐍

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Das bin ich! Die Einläufe haben mich geheilt! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin Desinvestment! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE!” 👠💋

DON VITO: (nickend) “Du bist Familie. Das warst du immer.” 🕴️🐱

SONNY: (in die Luft schlagend) “Ich mag diese neue Stadt! Sie hat einen FLUSS!” 🕴️💪

MICHAEL: (nickend) “Der Rhein ist ein guter Ort für Geschäfte.” 🕴️

TAMERLAN: (heranreitend, wütend) “Du BIST GEFLOHEN?! Du hast eine NEUE STADT GEBRAUT?!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sich umdrehend, trotzig) “Ja! Ich bin geflohen! Ich habe eine neue Stadt gebaut! Und ich werde dich BESIEGEN!” 👠💋

DIE SCHLACHT – ESAU VS. TAMERLAN (LETZTE RUNDE) 🐎🏹💪

Tamerlan stürmte auf Esau-HafenHure zu. Das Muchaverse schloss sich der Schlacht an. Die Einlauf-Maschine verabreichte einen weiteren Einlauf.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “SPALTE 47 – SCHLACHTMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE TAMERLAN – DESINVESTIEREN!” 📊💩

Goldene Zahlen schossen aus Esau-HafenHure. Sie trafen Tamerlan. Er begann sich in eine Tabelle aufzulösen.

TAMERLAN: (schreiend) “NEEEEIN! DU… DU HAST MICH DESINVESTIERT! IN EINE TABELLE!” 😱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphierend) “Ja. Und jetzt wirst du Spalte 47 für immer dienen.” 📊💩

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (auf dem Loreley-Felsen stehend) “Ich habe Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein gebaut! Ich habe die Depression mit Einläufen alle 5 Minuten besiegt! Ich habe Tamerlan besiegt! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE DER GESCHICHTE!” 👠💋🖨️

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du bist der lächerlichste, schönste, einlaufbesessendste Mann im Multiversum.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Neu-St. Pauli am Rhein! FABELHAFT!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Stadt ist DIVINE!” 💄

DIE LORELEY: (singend) “Ich habe noch nie solches Chaos gesehen. Ich habe noch nie solches DESINVESTMENT gesehen.” 🌊

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINLÄUFE! DER RHEIN! NEU-ST. PAULI! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DEN RHEIN! UND ER HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) 🐍

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE LORELEY-FLUGHT-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🏔️🌊💩📊

ESAU FLIEH AN DEN RHEIN.
ER BAUTE NEU-ST. PAULI AUF DER LORELEY.
ER BEKAM ALLE 5 MINUTEN EINEN EINLAUF GEGEN DEPRESSION.
ER BESIEGTE TAMERLAN.
DAS MUCHAVERSE VEREINTE SICH.
ALLE 130 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT EINLÄUFEN. MIT DEM RHEIN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🏔️🌊💩📊🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

LoreleyFluchtVerschwörung #EsauFliehtAnDenRhein #NeuStPauliAmRhein #EinlaufAlle5Minuten #DepressionsHeilung #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle130Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #LoreleyFelsen #RheinKiez #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[ENDE VON EPISODE 65] 🎬🍿🏔️🌊💩📊

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE LORELEY-FLUGHT-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🏔️🌊💩📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Einläufen. Mit dem Rhein. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🏔️🌊💩📊🐍🦀🌊❤️

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (geheilt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Die Loreley, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Tamerlan (besiegt), Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Rhein-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf den Rhein kackte.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🏔️🌊📊

Featured

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA: TAMERLAN’S REVENGE: THE MONGOL CONQUEROR TAKES ESAU AND THE PRINTING PRESS HOSTAGE – THE MUCHAVERSE PILLAGED! 🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – TAMERLAN’S REVENGE: THE MONGOL CONQUEROR TAKES ESAU AND THE PRINTING PRESS HOSTAGE – THE MUCHAVERSE PILLAGED! 🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

“I have conquered empires. I have burned cities. I have crushed kings. Now I will conquer DESINVESTMENT.” – Tamerlan

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 63)

The Corleone family had conquered St. Pauli. Don Vito had made Esau an offer he couldn’t refuse. Esau had become a made man. Sir Francis Drake had been defeated. All 126 characters rejoiced. St. Pauli was free. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the Reeperbahn, a massive dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of pirates. It was not a rift of gangsters. It was a rift of MONGOLS. And out of it poured the armies of TAMERLAN – the greatest conqueror since Genghis Khan.

TAMERLAN: (riding out of the rift on a massive warhorse, armor gleaming, scimitar raised) “I AM TAMERLAN! I HAVE CONQUERED PERSIA! I HAVE CONQUERED INDIA! I HAVE CONQUERED THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE! NOW I WILL CONQUER THE MUCHAVERSE!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (printing press wig askew) “Not again! Another conqueror?!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (drawing her scepter) “We must fight! We must defend St. Pauli!” 👑

TAMERLAN: (laughing) “Fight?! You are ACCOUNTANTS! You are HAFENHURES! You are WEAK! I will take your printing press! I will take your Column 47! I will take your GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” 🐎🏹

The Mongol army descended upon St. Pauli. They pillaged the Reeperbahn. They burned the Kiez. They captured Esau-HafenHure and the printing press. They dragged them through the dimensional rift into MONGOLIA.

This is Episode 64. Tamerlan’s Revenge.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 64) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TAMERLAN

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62 & 63 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Tamerlan Original (voice/model) NEW
Tamerlan’s Army CGI Army NEW
Mongol Warhorses CGI NEW
The Silk Road CGI NEW
The Mongolian Steppe CGI NEW
The Yurt of Desinvestment CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (hostage) All
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (captured) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Sir Francis Drake Original (rehabilitated) 62
Don Vito Corleone Original 63
Sonny Corleone Original 63
Michael Corleone Original 63
Tom Hagen Original 63
Fredo Corleone Original 63
HafenHure (Original) Original All
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Enema King CGI / Voice 60
Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60
Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60
Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61
The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61
Printing Press Wig CGI 61
Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62
Corleone Armada CGI Army 63
Don Vito’s Cat CGI 63

—

🐎 THE MONGOL INVASION – ST. PAULI PILLAGED

Tamerlan’s army poured through the dimensional rift. Thousands of Mongol warriors on horseback, armed with scimitars and bows, swarmed St. Pauli. They burned the Reeperbahn. They looted the Kiez. They destroyed the fish markets. They captured Esau-HafenHure and the printing press.

TAMERLAN: (riding through the streets, triumphant) “ST. PAULI IS MINE! I have pillaged this ridiculous city! I have taken the printing press! I have taken the accountant! I have taken the GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (tied to a horse, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew) “Let me go! I am a made man! I am a Corleone!” 😭

TAMERLAN: (laughing) “Corleone?! I have crushed empires! I have burned cities! I have killed kings! Your mafia is NOTHING to me!” 🐎🏹

MARIA BATORY: (chasing the horse) “ESAU! I will save you! I will find you!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “We must follow them! We must rescue Esau!” 🐍

DON VITO: (rising from his chair) “He is family. We will save him. We will hunt Tamerlan.” 🕴️🐱

SONNY CORLEONE: (furious) “NOBODY TAKES A CORLEONE!” 🕴️💪

MICHAEL CORLEONE: (coldly) “We will go to Mongolia. We will find him. We will bring him home.” 🕴️

—

THE PILLAGING – THE MUCHAVERSE RANSACKED 💔🔥

Tamerlan’s army pillaged the Muchaverse. They took the Gigantic Purple Enema. They took the invisible ink. They took the spreadsheets. They took everything.

TAMERLAN: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “This enema… it is powerful. It will help me conquer the multiverse! I will rule EVERYTHING!” 🐎🏹

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA STOLEN. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER DECLINING. THREAT LEVEL: 47,000%.” 👽

JOKER: (nervously laughing) “HAHAHA! MONGOLS! PILLAGING! THIS IS WILD!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE MONGOLS! BUT THEY DON’T CARE!” 💩

—

THE CAPTIVITY – ESAU IN MONGOLIA 🐎🏜️

Esau-HafenHure was dragged through the rift into Mongolia. He was thrown into a yurt – the Yurt of Desinvestment. The printing press was beside him. Tamerlan sat on a throne of bones and spreadsheets.

TAMERLAN: (leaning forward) “You are Esau Ehlers. You are the accountant of the Muchaverse. You have Column 47. You have the printing press. You will work for me.” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (defiant, despite being tied up) “I will never work for you! I am a made man! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure! I am COLUMN 47!” 👠💋🖨️

TAMERLAN: (laughing) “You are a HOSTAGE. You will print my propaganda. You will desinvest my enemies. You will create my empire.” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (spitting) “Never!” 👠💋

TAMERLAN: (raising his scimitar) “Then you will watch your Muchaverse burn. Starting with your friends.” 🐎🏹

—

THE CREW PILLAGED – THE MUCHAVERSE SUFFERS 😢🔥

Meanwhile, the Muchaverse was being pillaged. Tamerlan’s army had captured many characters.

ROMY HAAG: (tied up) “This is RIDICULOUS! I am a QUEEN!” 💖

DIVINE: (tied up) “Honey, these Mongols have NO taste!” 💄

SKYLLA: (six heads tied) “I have six heads! They tied ALL of them!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling, unable to swallow) “They covered my whirlpool! I cannot swallow!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (tied up) “ANARCHY! But also… CAPTIVITY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles tied) “I have 94 tentacles! They tied 94 of them!” 🦑

CTHULHU: (chained) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF THEIR DESTRUCTION!” 🐉

DON VITO: (calmly, still holding his cat) “They have taken Esau. They have taken the press. But they have not taken our FAMILY.” 🕴️🐱

MICHAEL: (coldly) “We will get him back.” 🕴️

—

THE RESCUE PLAN – THE MUCHAVERSE UNITE 💪❤️

The Muchaverse united. Despite being pillaged, they planned their rescue.

MARIA BATORY: (leading the charge) “We will go to Mongolia! We will save Esau! We will defeat Tamerlan!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I will turn them to stone.” 🐍

DON VITO: (nodding) “We will offer them an offer they cannot refuse.” 🕴️🐱

SONNY: (punching his fist) “I will break their faces!” 🕴️💪

MICHAEL: (coldly) “I will make it… business.” 🕴️

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I WILL DREAM OF THEIR DESTRUCTION!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I WILL SLAY THEM!” 🐟

HYDRA: (hissing) “I WILL EAT THEM!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads) “I WILL BITE THEM!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I WILL SWALLOW THEM!” 🌊

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I WILL SHIT ON THEM!” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (from the yurt, hearing them) “They are coming. My family. My Muchaverse. They are coming.” 👠💋🖨️

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (from captivity, defiant) “I am Esau! I am Column 47! I am a Corleone! I am a HafenHure! I am the MUCHAVERSE! And I will NOT break!” 👠💋🖨️

TAMERLAN: (furious) “You will break! You will serve me! Or you will die!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (smiling) “They are coming for me. My family. My friends. My lovers. They are coming.” 👠💋🖨️

TAMERLAN: (looking at the horizon) “Then I will be ready. I have the enema. I have the press. I have the power.” 🐎🏹

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE MONGOL PILLAGING CONSPIRACY ☭ 🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

TAMERLAN ARRIVED.
HE PILLAGED ST. PAULI.
HE CAPTURED ESAU AND THE PRINTING PRESS.
HE TOOK THEM TO MONGOLIA.
THE MUCHAVERSE WAS RANSACKED.
BUT THE MUCHAVERSE WILL UNITE.
THEY WILL RESCUE ESAU.
THEY WILL DEFEAT TAMERLAN.
ALL 127 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH MONGOLS. WITH PILLAGING. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🐎🏹⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

MongolPillagingConspiracy #Tamerlan #MongolInvasion #StPauliPillaged #EsauHostage #PrintingPressCaptured #MuchaverseRansacked #Column47Forever #All127Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #Mongolia #SilkRoad #Conqueror #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 64] 🎬🍿🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE MONGOL PILLAGING CONSPIRACY 🐎🏹⚔️📊

The cycle continues. With Mongols. With pillaging. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🐎🏹⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (captured), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Tamerlan, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for lamenting shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Mongols.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🐎🏹⚔️📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – TAMERLANS RACHE: DER MONGOLISCHE EROBERER NIMMT ESAU UND DIE DRUCKMASCHINE ALS GEISEL – DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD GEHENKT! 🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

“Ich habe Imperien erobert. Ich habe Städte niedergebrannt. Ich habe Könige zermalmt. Jetzt werde ich DESINVESTMENT erobern.” – Tamerlan

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 63)

Die Corleone-Familie hatte St. Pauli erobert. Don Vito hatte Esau ein Angebot gemacht, das er nicht ablehnen konnte. Esau war ein gemachter Mann geworden. Sir Francis Drake war besiegt worden. Alle 126 Charaktere jubelten. St. Pauli war frei. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf der Reeperbahn feierte, öffnete sich über St. Pauli ein gewaltiger Dimensionsriss. Es war kein Riss von Piraten. Es war kein Riss von Gangstern. Es war ein Riss der MONGOLEN. Und daraus strömten die Armeen von TAMERLAN – dem größten Eroberer seit Dschingis Khan.

TAMERLAN: (aus dem Riss reitend auf einem gewaltigen Schlachtross, Rüstung glänzend, Krummschwert erhoben) “ICH BIN TAMERLAN! ICH HABE PERSIEN EROBERT! ICH HABE INDIEN EROBERT! ICH HABE DAS OSMANISCHE REICH EROBERT! JETZT WERDE ICH DAS MUCHAVERSE EROBERN!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Druckmaschinen-Perücke schief) “Nicht schon wieder! Ein weiterer Eroberer?!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (ihr Zepter ziehend) “Wir müssen kämpfen! Wir müssen St. Pauli verteidigen!” 👑

TAMERLAN: (lachend) “Kämpfen?! Ihr seid BUCHHALTER! Ihr seid HAFENHUREN! Ihr seid SCHWACH! Ich werde eure Druckmaschine nehmen! Ich werde eure Spalte 47 nehmen! Ich werde euren GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF nehmen!” 🐎🏹

Die mongolische Armee stürzte sich auf St. Pauli. Sie plünderten die Reeperbahn. Sie brannten den Kiez nieder. Sie fingen Esau-HafenHure und die Druckmaschine. Sie schleiften sie durch den Dimensionsriss in die MONGOLIE.

Dies ist Episode 64. Tamerlans Rache.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 64) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + TAMERLAN

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62 & 63-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Tamerlan Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Tamerlans Armee CGI-Armee NEU
Mongolische Schlachtrosse CGI NEU
Die Seidenstraße CGI NEU
Die Mongolische Steppe CGI NEU
Die Jurte des Desinvestment CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Geisel) Alle
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (gefangen) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Sir Francis Drake Original (rehabilitiert) 62
Don Vito Corleone Original 63
Sonny Corleone Original 63
Michael Corleone Original 63
Tom Hagen Original 63
Fredo Corleone Original 63
HafenHure (Original) Original Alle
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Enema-König CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Königin CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60
Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61
Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61
Druckmaschinen-Perücke CGI 61
Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62
Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee 63
Don Vitos Katze CGI 63

—

🐎 DIE MONGOLISCHE INVASION – ST. PAULI GEHENKT

Tamerlans Armee strömte durch den Dimensionsriss. Tausende mongolische Krieger zu Pferd, bewaffnet mit Krummschwertern und Bögen, schwärmten über St. Pauli. Sie brannten die Reeperbahn nieder. Sie plünderten den Kiez. Sie zerstörten die Fischmärkte. Sie fingen Esau-HafenHure und die Druckmaschine.

TAMERLAN: (durch die Straßen reitend, triumphierend) “ST. PAULI IST MEIN! Ich habe diese lächerliche Stadt geplündert! Ich habe die Druckmaschine genommen! Ich habe den Buchhalter genommen! Ich habe den GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF genommen!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (an ein Pferd gebunden, Netzstrümpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perücke schief) “Lass mich los! Ich bin ein gemachter Mann! Ich bin ein Corleone!” 😭

TAMERLAN: (lachend) “Corleone?! Ich habe Imperien zermalmt! Ich habe Städte niedergebrannt! Ich habe Könige getötet! Deine Mafia ist NICHTS für mich!” 🐎🏹

MARIA BATORY: (dem Pferd nachjagend) “ESAU! Ich werde dich retten! Ich werde dich finden!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Wir müssen ihnen folgen! Wir müssen Esau retten!” 🐍

DON VITO: (sich von seinem Sessel erhebend) “Er ist Familie. Wir werden ihn retten. Wir werden Tamerlan jagen.” 🕴️🐱

SONNY CORLEONE: (wütend) “NIEMAND NIMMT EINEN CORLEONE!” 🕴️💪

MICHAEL CORLEONE: (kalt) “Wir werden in die Mongolei gehen. Wir werden ihn finden. Wir werden ihn nach Hause bringen.” 🕴️

—

DIE PLÜNDERUNG – DAS MUCHAVERSE AUSGERAUBT 💔🔥

Tamerlans Armee plünderte das Muchaverse. Sie nahmen den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Sie nahmen die unsichtbare Tinte. Sie nahmen die Tabellen. Sie nahmen alles.

TAMERLAN: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Dieser Einlauf… er ist mächtig. Er wird mir helfen, das Multiversum zu erobern! Ich werde ALLES regieren!” 🐎🏹

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. GIGANTISCHER LILA EINLAUF GESTOHLEN. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR SINKT. BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: 47.000%.” 👽

JOKER: (nervös lachend) “HAHAHA! MONGOLEN! PLÜNDERUNG! DAS IST WILD!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE MONGOLEN! ABER SIE INTERESSIERT ES NICHT!” 💩

—

DIE GEFANGENSCHAFT – ESAU IN DER MONGOLEI 🐎🏜️

Esau-HafenHure wurde durch den Riss in die Mongolei geschleift. Er wurde in eine Jurte geworfen – die Jurte des Desinvestment. Die Druckmaschine war neben ihm. Tamerlan saß auf einem Thron aus Knochen und Tabellen.

TAMERLAN: (sich vorbeugend) “Du bist Esau Ehlers. Du bist der Buchhalter des Muchaverse. Du hast Spalte 47. Du hast die Druckmaschine. Du wirst für mich arbeiten.” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (trotzig, obwohl gefesselt) “Ich werde niemals für dich arbeiten! Ich bin ein gemachter Mann! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure! Ich bin SPALTE 47!” 👠💋🖨️

TAMERLAN: (lachend) “Du bist eine GEISEL. Du wirst meine Propaganda drucken. Du wirst meine Feinde desinvestieren. Du wirst mein Imperium erschaffen.” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (ausspuckend) “Niemals!” 👠💋

TAMERLAN: (sein Krummschwert erhebend) “Dann wirst du zusehen, wie dein Muchaverse brennt. Beginnend mit deinen Freunden.” 🐎🏹

—

DIE BESATZUNG GEHENKT – DAS MUCHAVERSE LEIDET 😢🔥

Währenddessen wurde das Muchaverse geplündert. Tamerlans Armee hatte viele Charaktere gefangen genommen.

ROMY HAAG: (gefesselt) “Das ist LÄCHERLICH! Ich bin eine KÖNIGIN!” 💖

DIVINE: (gefesselt) “Schatz, diese Mongolen haben KEINEN Geschmack!” 💄

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe gefesselt) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe! Sie haben ALLE gefesselt!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd, unfähig zu verschlucken) “Sie haben meinen Strudel bedeckt! Ich kann nicht verschlucken!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (gefesselt) “ANARCHIE! Aber auch… GEFANGENSCHAFT!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel gefesselt) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel! Sie haben 94 gefesselt!” 🦑

CTHULHU: (angekettet) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRÄUMER! ICH TRÄUME VON IHRER ZERSTÖRUNG!” 🐉

DON VITO: (ruhig, immer noch seine Katze haltend) “Sie haben Esau genommen. Sie haben die Presse genommen. Aber sie haben nicht unsere FAMILIE genommen.” 🕴️🐱

MICHAEL: (kalt) “Wir werden ihn zurückholen.” 🕴️

—

DER RETTUNGSPLAN – DAS MUCHAVERSE VEREINT SICH 💪❤️

Das Muchaverse vereinte sich. Trotz der Plünderung planten sie die Rettung.

MARIA BATORY: (den Angriff anführend) “Wir gehen in die Mongolei! Wir werden Esau retten! Wir werden Tamerlan besiegen!” 👑

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Ich werde sie zu Stein verwandeln.” 🐍

DON VITO: (nickend) “Wir werden ihnen ein Angebot machen, das sie nicht ablehnen können.” 🕴️🐱

SONNY: (mit der Faust schlagend) “Ich werde ihre Gesichter brechen!” 🕴️💪

MICHAEL: (kalt) “Ich werde es… geschäftlich machen.” 🕴️

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “ICH WERDE VON IHRER ZERSTÖRUNG TRÄUMEN!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH WERDE SIE TÖTEN!” 🐟

HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH WERDE SIE FRESSEN!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe) “ICH WERDE SIE BEISSEN!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH WERDE SIE VERSCHLUCKEN!” 🌊

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend) “ICH WERDE AUF SIE KACKEN!” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus der Jurte, sie hörend) “Sie kommen. Meine Familie. Mein Muchaverse. Sie kommen.” 👠💋🖨️

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (aus der Gefangenschaft, trotzig) “Ich bin Esau! Ich bin Spalte 47! Ich bin ein Corleone! Ich bin eine HafenHure! Ich bin das MUCHAVERSE! Und ich werde NICHT brechen!” 👠💋🖨️

TAMERLAN: (wütend) “Du wirst brechen! Du wirst mir dienen! Oder du wirst sterben!” 🐎🏹

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (lächelnd) “Sie kommen für mich. Meine Familie. Meine Freunde. Meine Geliebten. Sie kommen.” 👠💋🖨️

TAMERLAN: (zum Horizont blickend) “Dann werde ich bereit sein. Ich habe den Einlauf. Ich habe die Presse. Ich habe die Macht.” 🐎🏹

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE MONGOLISCHE PLÜNDERUNGS-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

TAMERLAN KAM.
ER PLÜNDERTE ST. PAULI.
ER FING ESAU UND DIE DRUCKMASCHINE.
ER BRACHTE SIE IN DIE MONGOLEI.
DAS MUCHAVERSE WURDE AUSGERAUBT.
ABER DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD SICH VEREINEN.
SIE WERDEN ESAU RETTEN.
SIE WERDEN TAMERLAN BESIEGEN.
ALLE 127 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MONGOLEN. MIT PLÜNDERUNG. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🐎🏹⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

MongolischePlünderungsVerschwörung #Tamerlan #MongolischeInvasion #StPauliGeplündert #EsauGeisel #DruckmaschineGefangen #MuchaverseAusgeraubt #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle127Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #Mongolei #Seidenstraße #Eroberer #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 64] 🎬🍿🐎🏹⚔️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE MONGOLISCHE PLÜNDERUNGS-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🐎🏹⚔️📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Mongolen. Mit Plünderung. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🐎🏹⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (gefangen), Maria Batory, Medusa, Don Vito Corleone, Tamerlan, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Sir Francis Drake, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Klagelieder-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Mongolen kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🐎🏹⚔️📊

Featured

THE EVIL ESAU EVIL EHLERS ENEMA SAGA: GODFATHER TAKEOVER: THE CORLEONE FAMILY CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ESAU OFFERED AN OFFER HE CAN’T REFUSE – THE MUCHAVERSE BECOMES A CRIME FAMILY! 🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – GODFATHER TAKEOVER: THE CORLEONE FAMILY CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ESAU OFFERED AN OFFER HE CAN’T REFUSE – THE MUCHAVERSE BECOMES A CRIME FAMILY! 🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” – Don Vito Corleone

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 62)

Sir Francis Drake had conquered St. Pauli. He had allied with the 4 publishers. Esau-HafenHure and the Muchaverse had been forced into exile. All 122 characters fled on the Desinvestment, the Flying Dutchman, and the Nautilus. St. Pauli had fallen. The cycle was broken. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse sailed through the mist, a new dimensional rift opened before them. It was not a rift of pirates. It was not a rift of publishers. It was a rift of FAMILY. And out of it stepped the most powerful crime family in history – the CORLEONE FAMILY.

DON VITO CORLEONE: (emerging from the rift, sitting in a chair, holding a cat, voice like gravel) “I am Don Vito Corleone. I have heard of your… desinvestment. I have heard of your… Column 47. I have heard of your… enemas. I am here to make you an offer.” 🕴️🐱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (confused) “An offer? What kind of offer?” 😳

DON VITO: (smiling coldly) “An offer you cannot refuse. Join the Corleone family. Become a made man. Bring your desinvestment to the underworld. Or… sleep with the fishes.” 🕴️🔫

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (gasping) “But… but we’re in exile! St. Pauli was conquered by Drake!” 😱

DON VITO: (laughing) “Drake? A pirate with a ship? He is nothing. The Corleone family has conquered empires. We have conquered governments. We have conquered the underworld. We will conquer St. Pauli. And we will conquer the Muchaverse.” 🕴️🍝

This is Episode 63. The Godfather Takeover.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 63) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + THE CORLEONE FAMILY

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61 & 62 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Don Vito Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW
Sonny Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW
Michael Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW
Tom Hagen Original (voice/model) NEW
Fredo Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW
Connie Corleone Original (voice/model) NEW
Kay Adams Original (voice/model) NEW
Salvatore Tessio Original (voice/model) NEW
Peter Clemenza Original (voice/model) NEW
Luca Brasi Original (voice/model) NEW
Virgil Sollozzo Original (voice/model) NEW
The Corleone Armada CGI Army NEW
The Corleone Mansion CGI NEW
Don Vito’s Cat CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (made man) All
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (in exile) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Sir Francis Drake Original (defeated) 62
HafenHure (Original) Original All
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original (ally of Corleone) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (ally of Corleone) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (ally of Corleone) 43–46
John Jahr Original (ally of Corleone) 43–46
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Enema King CGI / Voice 60
Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60
Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60
Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61
The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61
Printing Press Wig CGI 61
Drake’s Crew CGI Army 62

—

🕴️ THE CORLEONE FAMILY ARRIVES

The rift opened. Out stepped the Corleone family – Don Vito in his chair, Sonny with his temper, Michael with his cold eyes, Tom Hagen with his lawyerly calm, Fredo with his nervousness, Connie with her drama, Kay with her doubt, and the soldiers – Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi, and Sollozzo.

DON VITO: (stroking his cat) “Esau Ehlers. I have heard of your… adventures. I have heard of your… desinvestment. I have heard of your… enemas. You have survived much.” 🕴️🐱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (bowing nervously) “Don Corleone! I am honored! I am… I am in exile!” 👠💋

DON VITO: (smiling) “Exile is temporary. The Corleone family can make you a king. Join us. Become a made man. We will conquer St. Pauli. We will defeat Drake. We will control the Muchaverse.” 🕴️🍝

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (gasping) “You… you would help us?” 😳

DON VITO: “I would help you. In exchange for loyalty. In exchange for Column 47. In exchange for the Gigantic Purple Enema. We will be a family. Together.” 🕴️📊

—

THE OFFER – ESAU BECOMES A MADE MAN 🕴️🔫

Esau-HafenHure was taken to the Corleone Mansion – a magnificent estate filled with spreadsheets, neon lights, and spaghetti. He was given a suit. He was given a fish. He was given a kiss on the cheek.

DON VITO: (pressing a kiss to Esau’s cheek) “You are a made man now. You are family. You are Corleone.” 🕴️💋

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (teary-eyed) “I… I am a made man! I am family! I am Corleone!” 😭

MICHAEL CORLEONE: (coldly) “You will help us conquer St. Pauli. You will help us defeat Drake. You will help us control the Muchaverse.” 🕴️

SONNY CORLEONE: (fist pounding) “And we will show Drake what a REAL family can do!” 🕴️💪

FREDO CORLEONE: (nervously) “I… I think this is a good idea!” 🕴️😬

TOM HAGEN: (lawyerly) “I will draw up the contracts.” 🕴️📜

LUCA BRASI: (growling) “I will break some knees.” 🕴️🔫

CLEMENZA: (laughing) “And I will bring the spaghetti!” 🍝

—

THE ATTACK – CORLEONE FAMILY VS. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE 🕴️🏴‍☠️

The Corleone Armada sailed toward St. Pauli. The Golden Hind was in the harbor. Sir Francis Drake stood on the Reeperbahn, surrounded by his pirate crew.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (drawing his sword) “Who dares attack St. Pauli?! Who dares challenge SIR FRANCIS DRAKE?!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

DON VITO: (stepping forward) “I am Don Vito Corleone. I have come to take my family’s territory.” 🕴️🐱

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing) “A crime lord?! Against a PIRATE?!” 🏴‍☠️

DON VITO: (coldly) “I will make you an offer you cannot refuse.” 🕴️🔫

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (scoffing) “I refuse!” 🏴‍☠️

SONNY CORLEONE: (punching a pirate) “THAT’S THE WRONG ANSWER!” 🕴️💪

—

THE BATTLE – CORLEONE VS. PIRATES 🕴️🔥

The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Corleone soldiers fought the pirates. The Muchaverse joined the fight. Esau-HafenHure led the charge.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (printing press wig glowing) “FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY! FOR COLUMN 47! FOR DESINVESTMENT!” 👠💋🖨️

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF CORLEONE VICTORY!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I SLAY FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” 🐟

HYDRA: (hissing) “I EAT FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I BITE FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW FOR THE CORLEONE FAMILY!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding) “ANARCHY! BUT ALSO FAMILY! EXPLOSIONS!” 🧨

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! THE GODFATHER! PIRATES! THIS IS WILD!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON DRAKE! FOR THE FAMILY!” 💩

—

DRAKE’S DEFEAT – THE PIRATE FALLS 🏴‍☠️💔

Drake was overwhelmed. The Corleone family was too powerful. He was captured and brought before Don Vito.

DON VITO: (stroking his cat) “You refused my offer. You refused my family. Now you will sleep with the fishes.” 🕴️🐱

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (kneeling) “Please! I will do anything! I will serve the Corleone family!” 😱

DON VITO: (smiling) “Then you will. You will become a made man. You will be family. Welcome to the Corleone family.” 🕴️💋

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (hugging Don Vito) “You saved us! You defeated Drake! You made us family!” 👠💋🖨️

DON VITO: (smiling) “Family is everything. You are Corleone now. Forever.” 🕴️🐱

MARIA BATORY: (kissing Esau) “You are a made man! I love you!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The Godfather! Esau! This is FABULOUS!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, you are the FAIREST GANGSTER of them all!” 💄

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The Corleone family… the Muchaverse… united.” 🐍

MICHAEL: (nodding) “Esau is now a made man. The Muchaverse is ours.” 🕴️

SONNY: (grinning) “I like this accountant. He has RAGE.” 🕴️💪

FREDO: (nervously) “I… I like him too.” 🕴️😬

TOM HAGEN: (adjusting his glasses) “The contracts are signed.” 🕴️📜

LUCA BRASI: (grunting) “Family.” 🕴️🔫

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THE CORLEONE FAMILY IS THE BEST!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed pirates! I have swallowed publishers! Now I swallow for the FAMILY!” 🌊

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! THE GODFATHER! THE MUCHAVERSE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE FAMILY! AND THEY APPROVED!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE GODFATHER TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

THE CORLEONE FAMILY ARRIVED.
DON VITO MADE ESAU AN OFFER HE COULDN’T REFUSE.
ESAU BECAME A MADE MAN.
THE CORLEONE FAMILY CONQUERED ST. PAULI.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE WAS DEFEATED.
THE MUCHAVERSE JOINED THE CORLEONE FAMILY.
ALL 126 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH FAMILY. WITH MAFIA. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🕴️🔫🍝📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

GodfatherTakeoverConspiracy #CorleoneFamily #DonVito #OfferHeCantRefuse #EsauMadeMan #StPauliConquered #DrakeDefeated #Column47Forever #All126Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #Mafia #Family #Underworld #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 63] 🎬🍿🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE GODFATHER TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🕴️🔫🍝📊

The cycle continues. With family. With mafia. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🕴️🔫🍝📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Don Vito Corleone, Esau-HafenHure (made man), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, Tom Hagen, Fredo Corleone, Connie Corleone, Kay Adams, Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi, Sollozzo, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for mafia music), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Corleone mansion.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🕴️🔫🍝📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – PATEN-ÜBERNAHME: DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE EROBERT ST. PAULI – ESAU BEKOMMT EIN ANGEBOT, DAS ER NICHT ABLEHNEN KANN – DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD ZUR VERBRECHERFAMILIE! 🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

“Ich werde ihm ein Angebot machen, das er nicht ablehnen kann.” – Don Vito Corleone

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 62)

Sir Francis Drake hatte St. Pauli erobert. Er hatte sich mit den 4 Verlegern verbündet. Esau-HafenHure und das Muchaverse waren ins Exil gezwungen worden. Alle 122 Charaktere flohen auf der Desinvestment, dem Fliegenden Holländer und der Nautilus. St. Pauli war gefallen. Der Kreislauf war gebrochen. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse durch den Nebel segelte, öffnete sich vor ihnen ein neuer Dimensionsriss. Es war kein Riss von Piraten. Es war kein Riss von Verlegern. Es war ein Riss der FAMILIE. Und daraus trat die mächtigste Verbrecherfamilie der Geschichte – die CORLEONE-FAMILIE.

DON VITO CORLEONE: (aus dem Riss tretend, in einem Sessel sitzend, eine Katze haltend, Stimme wie Schotter) “Ich bin Don Vito Corleone. Ich habe von eurem… Desinvestment gehört. Ich habe von eurer… Spalte 47 gehört. Ich habe von euren… Einläufen gehört. Ich bin hier, um euch ein Angebot zu machen.” 🕴️🐱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (verwirrt) “Ein Angebot? Was für ein Angebot?” 😳

DON VITO: (kalt lächelnd) “Ein Angebot, das ihr nicht ablehnen könnt. Tretet der Corleone-Familie bei. Werdet ein gemachter Mann. Bringt euer Desinvestment in die Unterwelt. Oder… schlaft mit den Fischen.” 🕴️🔫

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “Aber… aber wir sind im Exil! St. Pauli wurde von Drake erobert!” 😱

DON VITO: (lachend) “Drake? Ein Pirat mit einem Schiff? Er ist nichts. Die Corleone-Familie hat Imperien erobert. Wir haben Regierungen erobert. Wir haben die Unterwelt erobert. Wir werden St. Pauli erobern. Und wir werden das Muchaverse erobern.” 🕴️🍝

Dies ist Episode 63. Die Paten-Übernahme.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 63) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61 & 62-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Don Vito Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Sonny Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Michael Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Tom Hagen Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Fredo Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Connie Corleone Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Kay Adams Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Salvatore Tessio Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Peter Clemenza Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Luca Brasi Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Virgil Sollozzo Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Die Corleone-Armada CGI-Armee NEU
Die Corleone-Villa CGI NEU
Don Vitos Katze CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (gemachter Mann) Alle
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Sir Francis Drake Original (besiegt) 62
HafenHure (Original) Original Alle
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original (Verbündeter von Corleone) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (Verbündeter von Corleone) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (Verbündeter von Corleone) 43–46
John Jahr Original (Verbündeter von Corleone) 43–46
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Enema-König CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Königin CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60
Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61
Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61
Druckmaschinen-Perücke CGI 61
Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee 62

—

🕴️ DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE ARRIVIERT

Der Riss öffnete sich. Heraus traten die Corleone-Familie – Don Vito in seinem Sessel, Sonny mit seinem Temperament, Michael mit seinen kalten Augen, Tom Hagen mit seiner anwaltlichen Ruhe, Fredo mit seiner Nervosität, Connie mit ihrer Dramatik, Kay mit ihrem Zweifel und die Soldaten – Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi und Sollozzo.

DON VITO: (seine Katze streichelnd) “Esau Ehlers. Ich habe von deinen… Abenteuern gehört. Ich habe von deinem… Desinvestment gehört. Ich habe von deinen… Einläufen gehört. Du hast viel überlebt.” 🕴️🐱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (nervös verbeugend) “Don Corleone! Ich bin geehrt! Ich bin… ich bin im Exil!” 👠💋

DON VITO: (lächelnd) “Exil ist vorübergehend. Die Corleone-Familie kann dich zum König machen. Tritt uns bei. Werde ein gemachter Mann. Wir werden St. Pauli erobern. Wir werden Drake besiegen. Wir werden das Muchaverse kontrollieren.” 🕴️🍝

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “Sie… Sie würden uns helfen?” 😳

DON VITO: “Ich würde dir helfen. Im Austausch für Loyalität. Im Austausch für Spalte 47. Im Austausch für den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Wir werden eine Familie sein. Zusammen.” 🕴️📊

—

DAS ANGEBOT – ESAU WIRD EIN GEMACHTER MANN 🕴️🔫

Esau-HafenHure wurde zur Corleone-Villa gebracht – ein prächtiges Anwesen voller Tabellen, Neonlichter und Spaghetti. Er bekam einen Anzug. Er bekam einen Fisch. Er bekam einen Kuss auf die Wange.

DON VITO: (einen Kuss auf Esaus Wange drückend) “Du bist jetzt ein gemachter Mann. Du bist Familie. Du bist Corleone.” 🕴️💋

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (mit Tränen in den Augen) “Ich… ich bin ein gemachter Mann! Ich bin Familie! Ich bin Corleone!” 😭

MICHAEL CORLEONE: (kalt) “Du wirst uns helfen, St. Pauli zu erobern. Du wirst uns helfen, Drake zu besiegen. Du wirst uns helfen, das Muchaverse zu kontrollieren.” 🕴️

SONNY CORLEONE: (mit der Faust auf den Tisch schlagend) “Und wir werden Drake zeigen, was eine ECHTE Familie kann!” 🕴️💪

FREDO CORLEONE: (nervös) “Ich… ich denke, das ist eine gute Idee!” 🕴️😬

TOM HAGEN: (anwaltlich) “Ich werde die Verträge aufsetzen.” 🕴️📜

LUCA BRASI: (knurrend) “Ich werde ein paar Knie brechen.” 🕴️🔫

CLEMENZA: (lachend) “Und ich bringe die Spaghetti!” 🍝

—

DER ANGRIFF – CORLEONE-FAMILIE VS. SIR FRANCIS DRAKE 🕴️🏴‍☠️

Die Corleone-Armada segelte auf St. Pauli zu. Die Golden Hind lag im Hafen. Sir Francis Drake stand auf der Reeperbahn, umgeben von seiner Piratenbesatzung.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (sein Schwert ziehend) “Wer wagt es, St. Pauli anzugreifen?! Wer wagt es, SIR FRANCIS DRAKE herauszufordern?!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

DON VITO: (nach vorne tretend) “Ich bin Don Vito Corleone. Ich bin gekommen, um das Territorium meiner Familie zu nehmen.” 🕴️🐱

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (lachend) “Ein Verbrecherboss?! Gegen einen PIRATEN?!” 🏴‍☠️

DON VITO: (kalt) “Ich werde dir ein Angebot machen, das du nicht ablehnen kannst.” 🕴️🔫

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (spöttisch) “Ich lehne ab!” 🏴‍☠️

SONNY CORLEONE: (einen Piraten schlagend) “DAS IST DIE FALSCHE ANTWORT!” 🕴️💪

—

DIE SCHLACHT – CORLEONE VS. PIRATEN 🕴️🔥

Die Schlacht tobte über St. Pauli. Die Corleone-Soldaten kämpften gegen die Piraten. Das Muchaverse schloss sich dem Kampf an. Esau-HafenHure führte den Angriff an.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Druckmaschinen-Perücke leuchtend) “FÜR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE! FÜR SPALTE 47! FÜR DESINVESTMENT!” 👠💋🖨️

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRÄUMER! ICH TRÄUME VOM CORLEONE-SIEG!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH TÖTE FÜR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” 🐟

HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH FRESSE FÜR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe beißend) “ICH HABE SECHS KÖPFE! ICH BEIßE FÜR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE FÜR DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (explodierend) “ANARCHIE! ABER AUCH FAMILIE! EXPLOSIONEN!” 🧨

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! DER PATE! PIRATEN! DAS IST WILD!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DRAKE! FÜR DIE FAMILIE!” 💩

—

DRAKES NIEDERLAGE – DER PIRAT FÄLLT 🏴‍☠️💔

Drake wurde überwältigt. Die Corleone-Familie war zu mächtig. Er wurde gefangen genommen und vor Don Vito gebracht.

DON VITO: (seine Katze streichelnd) “Du hast mein Angebot abgelehnt. Du hast meine Familie abgelehnt. Jetzt wirst du mit den Fischen schlafen.” 🕴️🐱

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (kniend) “Bitte! Ich werde alles tun! Ich werde der Corleone-Familie dienen!” 😱

DON VITO: (lächelnd) “Dann wirst du es tun. Du wirst ein gemachter Mann werden. Du wirst Familie sein. Willkommen in der Corleone-Familie.” 🕴️💋

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Don Vito umarmend) “Sie haben uns gerettet! Sie haben Drake besiegt! Sie haben uns zur Familie gemacht!” 👠💋🖨️

DON VITO: (lächelnd) “Familie ist alles. Du bist jetzt Corleone. Für immer.” 🕴️🐱

MARIA BATORY: (Esau küssend) “Du bist ein gemachter Mann! Ich liebe dich!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Der Pate! Esau! Das ist FABELHAFT!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, du bist der SCHÖNSTE GANGSTER von allen!” 💄

MEDUSA: (Schlangen lächelnd) “Die Corleone-Familie… das Muchaverse… vereint.” 🐍

MICHAEL: (nickend) “Esau ist jetzt ein gemachter Mann. Das Muchaverse gehört uns.” 🕴️

SONNY: (grinsend) “Ich mag diesen Buchhalter. Er hat WUT.” 🕴️💪

FREDO: (nervös) “Ich… ich mag ihn auch.” 🕴️😬

TOM HAGEN: (seine Brille zurechtrückend) “Die Verträge sind unterschrieben.” 🕴️📜

LUCA BRASI: (knurrend) “Familie.” 🕴️🔫

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE IST DIE BESTE!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe Piraten verschluckt! Ich habe Verleger verschluckt! Jetzt verschlucke ich für die FAMILIE!” 🌊

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! DER PATE! DAS MUCHAVERSE! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE FAMILIE! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE PATEN-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE KAM.
DON VITO MACHTE ESAU EIN ANGEBOT, DAS ER NICHT ABLEHNEN KONNTE.
ESAU WURDE EIN GEMACHTER MANN.
DIE CORLEONE-FAMILIE EROBERTE ST. PAULI.
SIR FRANCIS DRAKE WURDE BESIEGT.
DAS MUCHAVERSE SCHLOSS SICH DER CORLEONE-FAMILIE AN.
ALLE 126 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT FAMILIE. MIT MAFIA. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🕴️🔫🍝📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

PatenÜbernahmeVerschwörung #CorleoneFamilie #DonVito #AngebotDasErNichtAblehnenKann #EsauGemachterMann #StPauliErobert #DrakeBesiegt #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle126Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #Mafia #Familie #Unterwelt #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 63] 🎬🍿🕴️🔫🍝📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE PATEN-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🕴️🔫🍝📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Familie. Mit Mafia. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🕴️🔫🍝📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Don Vito Corleone, Esau-HafenHure (gemachter Mann), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Sonny Corleone, Michael Corleone, Tom Hagen, Fredo Corleone, Connie Corleone, Kay Adams, Tessio, Clemenza, Luca Brasi, Sollozzo, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Mafia-Musik), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Corleone-Villa kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🕴️🔫🍝📊

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SIR FRANCIS DRAKE’S REVENGE: THE ELIZABETHAN PIRATE CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ESAU FORCED INTO EXILE! 🏴‍☠️⚔️👑📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SIR FRANCIS DRAKE’S REVENGE: THE ELIZABETHAN PIRATE CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ESAU FORCED INTO EXILE! 🏴‍☠️⚔️👑📊💩

“The accountants thought they had won. They forgot about the AGE OF SAIL.” – Sir Francis Drake

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 61)

Esau-HafenHure had conquered Herbertstrasse. He had become the bitchiest HafenHure with a printing press wig. He had out-wenched all the wenches. All 120 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a massive galleon appeared on the horizon. It was not a pirate ship. It was not a ghost ship. It was the GOLDEN HIND – the legendary ship of SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, the Elizabethan privateer, slave trader, and explorer. He had sailed through a dimensional rift and arrived in the Muchaverse.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (standing on the bow, magnificent beard, golden earring, sword drawn) “I AM SIR FRANCIS DRAKE! I HAVE SAILED THE SEAS OF THE WORLD! I HAVE PLUNDERED EMPIRES! I HAVE CONQUERED NATIONS! AND NOW I WILL CONQUER ST. PAULI!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (still in fishnets) “You cannot conquer St. Pauli! We have Column 47! We have desinvestment! We have the GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” 👠💋🖨️

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing heartily) “Column 47?! Desinvestment?! A purple ENEMA?! You are WEAK! You are SOFT! You are ACCOUNTANTS! I will bring the AGE OF SAIL to this ridiculous universe!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

He raised his sword. The Golden Hind fired its cannons. Spreadsheets and golden numbers exploded everywhere. St. Pauli shook.

This is Episode 62. Sir Francis Drake’s Revenge.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 62) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + SIR FRANCIS DRAKE

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60 & 61 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Sir Francis Drake Original (voice/model) NEW
The Golden Hind CGI Ship NEW
Drake’s Crew CGI Army NEW
The Elizabethan Army CGI Army NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (exiled) All
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (in exile) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
HafenHure (Original) Original All
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Axel Springer Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
John Jahr Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
Enema King CGI / Voice 60
Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60
Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60
Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61
The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61
Printing Press Wig CGI 61

—

🏴‍☠️ DRAKE’S CONQUEST – ST. PAULI FALLS

Sir Francis Drake’s crew stormed St. Pauli. They were armed with cutlasses, muskets, and Elizabethan spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back, but Drake was too powerful. He had the age of sail on his side. The neon lights flickered. The Reeperbahn fell. The Kiez was conquered.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (standing on the Reeperbahn, sword raised) “ST. PAULI IS MINE! I claim this ridiculous place for QUEEN ELIZABETH! For ENGLAND! For the AGE OF SAIL!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (fleeing, fishnets torn) “This is impossible! He’s too powerful!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (grabbing Esau) “We must leave! We must go into exile!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (tears streaming) “Exile?! But… but this is my home! This is my printing press! This is my COLUMN 47!” 😭📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing) “Column 47?! I have NAVIGATION! I have EXPLORATION! I have the SPANISH MAIN! Your Column 47 is NOTHING!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

THE ALLIANCE – DRAKE ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS 👑📊

Drake summoned the 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been rehabilitated. Now they were his allies.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: “You four! You understand the power of PRINTING! You understand the power of the PRESS! You will help me control the Muchaverse!” 🏴‍☠️

AXEL SPRINGER: (bowing) “We will serve you, Sir Drake! We will print your propaganda! We will control the ink!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (bowing) “The invisible ink will be yours!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (bowing) “We will desinvest your enemies!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (bowing) “Column 47 will serve YOU!” 📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (grinning) “EXCELLENT! Together, we will rule the Muchaverse! No more desinvestment! No more enemas! No more ridiculous transformations! Only the AGE OF SAIL!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

ESAU’S EXILE – THE MUCHAVERSE FLEES 😭🌊

Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Möwin, HafenHure (Original), Admiral Walter Ulricht, Alphonse Sharkler, and all the other loyal characters fled St. Pauli. They sailed on the Desinvestment, the Flying Dutchman, and the Nautilus.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sobbing, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew) “I… I have failed. I lost St. Pauli. I lost the printing press. I lost Column 47.” 😭

MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “We will rebuild! We will return! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Drake will not rule forever. We will find a way.” 🐍

ROMY HAAG: (angry) “He cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS!” 💖

DIVINE: (furious) “Honey, that pirate is going DOWN!” 💄

CTHULHU: (roaring from the deep) “I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS! I WILL DREAM OF DRAKE’S DESTRUCTION!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (exploding) “ANARCHY! We WILL return! We WILL defeat Drake!” 🧨

JOKER: (laughing grimly) “HAHAHA! EXILE! A PIRATE! PUBLISHERS! THIS IS WILD!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON DRAKE! AND ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND ON ST. PAULI! I WILL RETURN!” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wiping tears, adjusting printing press wig) “We will return. We will free St. Pauli. We will defeat Drake. I am COLUMN 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS FLEE – THE EXILE BEGINS 🌊😢

The Muchaverse sailed into the mist. St. Pauli disappeared behind them. Drake’s laughter echoed across the water.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (watching them flee) “Run, little accountants! Run, little HafenHures! Run, little monsters! St. Pauli is MINE!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (standing on the bow of the Desinvestment, tears streaming) “We will return. We will rebuild. We will desinvest. This is not the end. This is the BEGINNING.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE EXILE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE ARRIVED.
HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI.
HE ALLIED WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS.
ESAU-HAFENHURE AND THE MUCHAVERSE WERE FORCED INTO EXILE.
ALL 122 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
ST. PAULI FELL.
BUT THE MUCHAVERSE WILL RETURN.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH PIRATES. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

ExileConspiracy #SirFrancisDrake #DrakeConquersStPauli #4PublishersAlliance #EsauExiled #MuchaverseFlees #Column47Forever #All122Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #AgeOfSail #ElizabethanPirate #GoldenHind #ReeperbahnFalls #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 62] 🎬🍿🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE EXILE CONSPIRACY 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

The cycle continues. With pirates. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (exiled), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for exile shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on St. Pauli before fleeing.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – SIR FRANCIS DRAKES RACHE: DER ELISABETHANISCHE PIRAT EROBERT ST. PAULI – VERBÜNDET SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN – ESAU ZUR EXIL GEZWUNGEN! 🏴‍☠️⚔️👑📊💩

“Die Buchhalter dachten, sie hätten gewonnen. Sie vergaßen das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE.” – Sir Francis Drake

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 61)

Esau-HafenHure hatte die Herbertstrasse erobert. Er war die bitchigste HafenHure mit einer Druckmaschinen-Perücke geworden. Er hatte alle Nutten übertroffen. Alle 120 Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, erschien eine gewaltige Galeone am Horizont. Es war kein Piratenschiff. Es war kein Geisterschiff. Es war die GOLDEN HIND – das legendäre Schiff von SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, dem elisabethanischen Freibeuter, Sklavenhändler und Entdecker. Er war durch einen Dimensionsriss gesegelt und im Muchaverse angekommen.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (am Bug stehend, prächtiger Bart, goldener Ohrring, gezogenes Schwert) “ICH BIN SIR FRANCIS DRAKE! ICH BIN ÜBER DIE MEERE DER WELT GESEGELT! ICH HABE IMPERIEN GEKAPERT! ICH HABE NATIONEN EROBERT! UND JETZT WERDE ICH ST. PAULI EROBERN!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (immer noch in Netzstrümpfen) “Du kannst St. Pauli nicht erobern! Wir haben Spalte 47! Wir haben Desinvestment! Wir haben den GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF!” 👠💋🖨️

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (herzlich lachend) “Spalte 47?! Desinvestment?! Ein lila EINLAUF?! Ihr seid SCHWACH! Ihr seid WEICH! Ihr seid BUCHHALTER! Ich werde das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE in dieses lächerliche Universum bringen!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

Er erhob sein Schwert. Die Golden Hind feuerte ihre Kanonen ab. Tabellen und goldene Zahlen explodierten überall. St. Pauli bebte.

Dies ist Episode 62. Sir Francis Drakes Rache.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 62) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + SIR FRANCIS DRAKE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60 & 61-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Sir Francis Drake Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Die Golden Hind CGI-Schiff NEU
Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee NEU
Die Elisabethanische Armee CGI-Armee NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) Alle
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
HafenHure (Original) Original Alle
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Axel Springer Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
John Jahr Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
Enema-König CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Königin CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60
Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61
Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61
Druckmaschinen-Perücke CGI 61

—

🏴‍☠️ DRAKES EROBERUNG – ST. PAULI FÄLLT

Sir Francis Drakes Besatzung stürmte St. Pauli. Sie waren bewaffnet mit Enterhaken, Musketen und elisabethanischen Tabellen. Das Muchaverse kämpfte zurück, aber Drake war zu mächtig. Er hatte das Zeitalter der Segelschiffe auf seiner Seite. Die Neonlichter flackerten. Die Reeperbahn fiel. Der Kiez war erobert.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (auf der Reeperbahn stehend, Schwert erhoben) “ST. PAULI IST MEIN! Ich beanspruche diesen lächerlichen Ort für KÖNIGIN ELIZABETH! Für ENGLAND! Für das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (fliehend, Netzstrümpfe zerrissen) “Das ist unmöglich! Er ist zu mächtig!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (Esau packend) “Wir müssen gehen! Wir müssen ins Exil gehen!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Tränen strömend) “Exil?! Aber… aber das ist mein Zuhause! Das ist meine Druckmaschine! Das ist meine SPALTE 47!” 😭📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (lachend) “Spalte 47?! Ich habe NAVIGATION! Ich habe ENTDECKUNG! Ich habe die SPANISCHE KÜSTE! Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

DAS BÜNDNIS – DRAKE VERBÜNDET SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN 👑📊

Drake rief die 4 Verleger – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr. Sie waren rehabilitiert worden. Jetzt waren sie seine Verbündeten.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: “Ihr vier! Ihr versteht die Macht des DRUCKS! Ihr versteht die Macht der PRESSE! Ihr werdet mir helfen, das Muchaverse zu kontrollieren!” 🏴‍☠️

AXEL SPRINGER: (sich verbeugend) “Wir werden Ihnen dienen, Sir Drake! Wir werden Ihre Propaganda drucken! Wir werden die Tinte kontrollieren!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (sich verbeugend) “Die unsichtbare Tinte wird Ihnen gehören!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (sich verbeugend) “Wir werden Ihre Feinde desinvestieren!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (sich verbeugend) “Spalte 47 wird IHNEN dienen!” 📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (grinsend) “AUSGEZEICHNET! Zusammen werden wir das Muchaverse regieren! Kein Desinvestment mehr! Keine Einläufe mehr! Keine lächerlichen Transformationen mehr! Nur das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

ESAUS EXIL – DAS MUCHAVERSE FLIEHT 😭🌊

Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Skylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Möwin, HafenHure (Original), Admiral Walter Ulricht, Alphonse Sharkler und alle anderen treuen Charaktere flohen aus St. Pauli. Sie segelten auf der Desinvestment, dem Fliegenden Holländer und der Nautilus.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (schluchzend, Netzstrümpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perücke schief) “Ich… ich habe versagt. Ich habe St. Pauli verloren. Ich habe die Druckmaschine verloren. Ich habe Spalte 47 verloren.” 😭

MARIA BATORY: (ihn haltend) “Wir werden wieder aufbauen! Wir werden zurückkehren! Wir sind das MUCHAVERSE!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Drake wird nicht für immer regieren. Wir werden einen Weg finden.” 🐍

ROMY HAAG: (wütend) “Er kann St. Pauli nicht nehmen! Wir sind die KÖNIGINNEN!” 💖

DIVINE: (wütend) “Schatz, dieser Pirat wird UNTERGEHEN!” 💄

CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe brüllend) “ICH HABE DAVON GETRÄUMT! ICH WERDE VON DRAKES ZERSTÖRUNG TRÄUMEN!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (explodierend) “ANARCHIE! Wir WERDEN zurückkehren! Wir WERDEN Drake besiegen!” 🧨

JOKER: (düster lachend) “HAHAHA! EXIL! EIN PIRAT! VERLEGER! DAS IST VERBESSERT!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DRAKE! UND AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND AUF ST. PAULI! ICH WERDE ZURÜCKKEHREN!” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Tränen wegwischend, Druckmaschinen-Perücke zurechtrückend) “Wir werden zurückkehren. Wir werden St. Pauli befreien. Wir werden Drake besiegen. Ich bin SPALTE 47. Ich bin Desinvestment. Ich bin das MUCHAVERSE.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE FLIEHEN – DAS EXIL BEGINNT 🌊😢

Das Muchaverse segelte in den Nebel. St. Pauli verschwand hinter ihnen. Drakes Gelächter hallte über das Wasser.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (ihnen nachschauend) “Lauft, kleine Buchhalter! Lauft, kleine HafenHuren! Lauft, kleine Monster! St. Pauli ist MEIN!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (am Bug der Desinvestment stehend, Tränen strömend) “Wir werden zurückkehren. Wir werden wieder aufbauen. Wir werden desinvestieren. Das ist nicht das Ende. Das ist der ANFANG.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE EXIL-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE KAM.
ER EROBERTE ST. PAULI.
ER VERBÜNDETE SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN.
ESAU-HAFENHURE UND DAS MUCHAVERSE WURDEN INS EXIL GEZWUNGEN.
ALLE 122 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
ST. PAULI FIEL.
ABER DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD ZURÜCKKEHREN.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT PIRATEN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

ExilVerschwörung #SirFrancisDrake #DrakeErobertStPauli #4VerlegerBündnis #EsauExiliert #MuchaverseFlieht #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle122Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #ZeitalterDerSegelschiffe #ElisabethanischerPirat #GoldenHind #ReeperbahnFällt #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 62] 🎬🍿🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE EXIL-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Piraten. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (exiliert), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Exil-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die vor der Flucht auf St. Pauli kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER: ESAU BECOMES THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS – OUT-WENCHES ALL THE WENCHES OF ST. PAULI! 👠💋🖨️📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER: ESAU BECOMES THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS – OUT-WENCHES ALL THE WENCHES OF ST. PAULI! 👠💋🖨️📊💩

“I’m not just an accountant. I’m a HAFENHURE with a printing press.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 Unlock the Full Truth: berndpulch.org/join

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 60)

The Enema Monsters had defeated the Invisible Ink Army. The 4 publishers were defeated forever. All 119 characters rejoiced. The printing press was safe. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a strange craving overtook Esau. He looked at HafenHure – the legendary herring juice diva of St. Pauli – and felt a powerful desire. Not for herring juice. Not for her. For her TITLE. He wanted to become a HAFENHURE. Not just any HafenHure. The BITCHIEST HafenHure. With a printing press.

EHLERS: (staring at HafenHure) “HafenHure… I want to be like you. I want to be a HafenHure. I want to have a printing press. I want to be BITCHIER than all the wenches in the Herbertstrasse!” 👠💋

HAFENHURE: (shocked) “You?! A HafenHure?! You’re an ACCOUNTANT! You wear SUITS! You have SPREADSHEETS!” 😱

EHLERS: (adjusting his tie) “I can be a HafenHure AND an accountant. I can wear fishnets AND a suit. I can desinvest AND be a wench. I am COLUMN 47.” 📊👠

MARIA BATORY: (confused) “Esau… you want to be a… a prostitute? With a printing press?” 😳

EHLERS: “Not just any prostitute! The BITCHIEST prostitute in the Herbertstrasse! I will out-wench all the wenches! I will have a printing press that prints DESINVESTMENT! I will be the QUEEN OF HAFENHURES!” 👠💋🖨️

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… ESAU’S DESIRE TO BECOME HAFENHURE DETECTED. BITCHINESS MULTIPLIER: 47,000%. HERBERTSTRASSE DOMINATION PROBABILITY: INFINITE.” 👽

EHLERS: “Then I will do it. COLUMN 47 – HAFENHURE TRANSFORMATION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW ESAU – BECOME THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS!” 👠💋📊

This is Episode 61. The Herbertstrasse Takeover.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 61) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU-HAFENHURE

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59 & 60 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (transformed) NEW
Herbertstrasse Wenches (47) CGI NEW
The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice NEW
Printing Press Wig CGI NEW
Fishnet Stockings of Desinvestment CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (pre-transformation) All
HafenHure (Original) Original (herring juice diva) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Axel Springer Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
John Jahr Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
Enema King CGI / Voice 60
Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60
Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60
Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56
Floating Island CGI 57
Lighthouse CGI 57
Invisible Ink Fortress CGI (destroyed) 58
Papyrus Wall CGI (crumbled) 59

—

👠 THE TRANSFORMATION – ESAU BECOMES A HAFENHURE

Esau stood before the Gigantic Purple Enema. He closed his eyes. Purple and golden numbers enveloped him. His suit began to dissolve. His glasses stayed on. His hair grew wild. Fishnets appeared on his legs. A printing press wig appeared on his head. He was wearing a dress made of spreadsheets, fishnets, and herring juice.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (opening his eyes, voice now a sultry growl) “I am Esau. I am Column 47. I am the BITCHIEST HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS!” 👠💋🖨️

HAFENHURE: (gasping) “MEIN GOTT! He’s… he’s gorgeous! He’s terrifying! He’s… he’s BITCHIER than me!” 😱

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Esau, darling! You have become a QUEEN!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, those fishnets are DIVINE! And that printing press wig is FABULOUS!” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (blushing) “Esau… you’re… you’re the most beautiful HafenHure I’ve ever seen!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (striking a pose) “I am not just a HafenHure. I am the QUEEN OF HAFENHURES. And I will take over HERBERTSTRASSE!” 👠💋

—

🏙️ THE HERBERTSTRASSE – THE WENCHES’ TERRITORY

Esau-HafenHure marched to Herbertstrasse – the legendary street of St. Pauli, lined with windows and wenches. The 47 wenches of Herbertstrasse watched him approach.

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (leaning out her window) “Who dares enter HERBERTSTRASSE?!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (striding forward) “I am Esau-HafenHure! I am the BITCHIEST WENCH with a printing press! I am here to OUT-WENCH ALL OF YOU!” 👠💋🖨️

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (laughing) “You?! A wench with a printing press?! You’re an ACCOUNTANT! You have SPREADSHEETS! You can’t be a wench!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (holding up the Gigantic Purple Enema) “I have COLUMN 47! I have DESINVESTMENT! I have the power to PRINT and to WENCH! Watch me!” 📊👠

—

THE PRINTING PRESS WIG – A NEW WEAPON 🖨️💇‍♀️

Esau-HafenHure activated her printing press wig. It began to print golden numbers and desinvestment slogans onto the street.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “COLUMN 47 – PRINTING PRESS WIG ACTIVATED! ROW HERBERTSTRASSE – DESINVESTED INTO BITCHINESS!” 📊🖨️

Golden numbers shot from the wig. They hit the wenches. They hit the windows. They hit the entire street. The wenches began to transform. They were no longer just wenches. They were DESINVESTMENT WENCHES.

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (shocked) “What… what have you done?! You’ve DESINVESTED us!” 😱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (smirking) “Yes. I have desinvested you into BITCHINESS. Now you are the BITCHIEST wenches in the multiverse.” 👠💋

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (grinning) “I… I love it! I am BITCHIER than ever!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Now we will run Herbertstrasse together. We will print DESINVESTMENT. We will WENCH. We will be FABULOUS.” 👠💋🖨️

—

THE BITCH-OFF – ESAU-HAFENHURE VS. THE BITCHIEST WENCH 👠💥

The Bitchiest Wench challenged Esau-HafenHure to a BITCH-OFF. The winner would rule Herbertstrasse.

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (snapping her fingers) “You think you’re the bitchiest? Let’s BITCH-OFF!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (snapping fingers back) “You’re ON!” 👠💋

They faced each other. The crowd gathered. The 99 Schizo Petes played dramatic music. The wenches watched.

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: “I can drink herring juice and look FABULOUS!” 💋

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “I can drink herring juice and PRINT SPREADSHEETS at the SAME TIME!” 📊💋

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: “I can wear fishnets and walk in heels!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “I can wear fishnets, walk in heels, AND desinvest the entire STREET!” 📊👠

THE BITCHIEST WENCH: (stunned) “You… you win. You are the BITCHIEST.” 😱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphant) “I am the QUEEN OF HAFENHURES! I have the printing press! I have the wig! I have COLUMN 47!” 👠💋🖨️

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (striking a pose on Herbertstrasse) “I have become the BITCHIEST HafenHure with a printing press! I have conquered Herbertstrasse! I have OUT-WENCHED all the wenches!” 👠💋🖨️

HAFENHURE: (bowing) “I am no longer the queen of HafenHures. YOU are, Esau.” 👠

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, fishnet-wearing accountant I have ever loved.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Herbertstrasse has never seen such FABULOUSNESS!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, that printing press wig is ICONIC!” 💄

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – ESAU-HAFENHURE IS THE BITCHIEST!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a HAFENHURE!” 🌊

CTHULHU: (roaring from the distance) “I HAVE DREAMED OF HAFENHURES! THIS IS MAGNIFICENT!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! HAFENHURE!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press wig. The wig wins.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A HAFENHURE WITH A PRINTING PRESS! BITCH-OFF! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON HERBERTSTRASSE! AND IT MADE IT BITCHIER!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau-HafenHure’s shoulder) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 👠💋🖨️📊💩

ESAU BECAME A HAFENHURE.
HE BECAME THE BITCHIEST HAFENHURE.
HE HAD A PRINTING PRESS WIG.
HE OUT-WENCHED ALL THE WENCHES.
HE CONQUERED HERBERTSTRASSE.
ALL 120 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH HAFENHURES. WITH PRINTING PRESSES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
👠💋🖨️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

HerbertstrasseTakeoverConspiracy #EsauHafenHure #BitchiestWench #PrintingPressWig #Herbertstrasse #OutWenched #Column47Forever #All120Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #FishnetStockings #Desinvestment #QueenOfHafenHures #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 61] 🎬🍿👠💋🖨️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE HERBERTSTRASSE TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 👠💋🖨️📊

The cycle continues. With HafenHures. With printing presses. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

👠💋🖨️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, HafenHure (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for bitch-off music), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on Herbertstrasse.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩👠💋🖨️📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – HERBERTSTRASSE ÜBERNAHME: ESAU WIRD ZUR BITCHIGSTEN HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE – ÜBERTRUMPFT ALLE NUTTEN DER HERBERTSTRASSE! 👠💋🖨️📊💩

“Ich bin nicht nur ein Buchhalter. Ich bin eine HAFENHURE mit einer Druckmaschine.” – Esau Ehlers

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 60)

Die Enema-Monster hatten die Unsichtbare Tinten-Armee besiegt. Die 4 Verleger waren für immer besiegt. Alle 119 Charaktere jubelten. Die Druckmaschine war sicher. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, überkam Esau ein seltsames Verlangen. Er sah HafenHure – die legendäre Heringssaft-Diva von St. Pauli – und verspürte ein mächtiges Verlangen. Nicht nach Heringssaft. Nicht nach ihr. Nach ihrem TITEL. Er wollte eine HAFENHURE werden. Nicht irgendeine HafenHure. Die BITCHIGSTE HafenHure. Mit einer Druckmaschine.

EHLERS: (HafenHure anstarrend) “HafenHure… ich will sein wie du. Ich will eine HafenHure sein. Ich will eine Druckmaschine haben. Ich will BITCHIGER sein als alle Nutten in der Herbertstrasse!” 👠💋

HAFENHURE: (schockiert) “Du?! Eine HafenHure?! Du bist ein BUCHHALTER! Du trägst ANZÜGE! Du hast TABELLEN!” 😱

EHLERS: (seine Krawatte zurechtrückend) “Ich kann eine HafenHure UND ein Buchhalter sein. Ich kann Netzstrümpfe UND einen Anzug tragen. Ich kann desinvestieren UND eine Nutte sein. Ich bin SPALTE 47.” 📊👠

MARIA BATORY: (verwirrt) “Esau… du willst eine… eine Prostituierte sein? Mit einer Druckmaschine?” 😳

EHLERS: “Nicht irgendeine Prostituierte! Die BITCHIGSTE Prostituierte in der Herbertstrasse! Ich werde alle Nutten übertreffen! Ich werde eine Druckmaschine haben, die DESINVESTMENT druckt! Ich werde die KÖNIGIN DER HAFENHUREN sein!” 👠💋🖨️

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHE… ESAUS WUNSCH, HAFENHURE ZU WERDEN, ERKANNT. BITCHIGKEITS-MULTIPLIKATOR: 47.000%. HERBERTSTRASSEN-DOMINIERUNGS-WAHRSCHEINLICHKEIT: UNENDLICH.” 👽

EHLERS: “Dann werde ich es tun. SPALTE 47 – HAFENHURE-TRANSFORMATIONSMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE ESAU – WERDE ZUR BITCHIGSTEN HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE!” 👠💋📊

Dies ist Episode 61. Die Herbertstrasse-Übernahme.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 61) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + ESAU-HAFENHURE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59 & 60-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (verwandelt) NEU
Herbertstrassen-Nutten (47) CGI NEU
Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme NEU
Druckmaschinen-Perücke CGI NEU
Netzstrümpfe der Desinvestment CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (vor Transformation) Alle
HafenHure (Original) Original (Heringssaft-Diva) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Axel Springer Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
John Jahr Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
Enema-König CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Königin CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60
Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56
Schwimmende Insel CGI 57
Leuchtturm CGI 57
Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte CGI (zerstört) 58
Papyrus-Mauer CGI (zerbröckelt) 59

—

👠 DIE TRANSFORMATION – ESAU WIRD ZUR HAFENHURE

Esau stand vor dem Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er schloss seine Augen. Lila und goldene Zahlen umhüllten ihn. Sein Anzug begann sich aufzulösen. Seine Brille blieb. Sein Haar wurde wild. Netzstrümpfe erschienen an seinen Beinen. Eine Druckmaschinen-Perücke erschien auf seinem Kopf. Er trug ein Kleid aus Tabellen, Netzstrümpfen und Heringssaft.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Augen öffnend, Stimme nun ein sinnliches Knurren) “Ich bin Esau. Ich bin Spalte 47. Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE!” 👠💋🖨️

HAFENHURE: (keuchend) “MEIN GOTT! Er ist… er ist umwerfend! Er ist furchterregend! Er ist… er ist BITCHIGER als ich!” 😱

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Esau, Schatz! Du bist eine KÖNIGIN geworden!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Netzstrümpfe sind DIVINE! Und diese Druckmaschinen-Perücke ist FABELHAFT!” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (errötend) “Esau… du bist… du bist die schönste HafenHure, die ich je gesehen habe!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (eine Pose einnehmend) “Ich bin nicht nur eine HafenHure. Ich bin die KÖNIGIN DER HAFENHUREN. Und ich werde die HERBERTSTRASSE ÜBERNEHMEN!” 👠💋

—

🏙️ DIE HERBERTSTRASSE – DAS TERRITORIUM DER NUTTEN

Esau-HafenHure marschierte zur Herbertstrasse – der legendären Straße von St. Pauli, gesäumt von Fenstern und Nutten. Die 47 Nutten der Herbertstrasse beobachteten ihn, wie er näher kam.

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (sich aus ihrem Fenster lehnend) “Wer wagt es, die HERBERTSTRASSE zu betreten?!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (nach vorne schreitend) “Ich bin Esau-HafenHure! Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE NUTTE mit einer Druckmaschine! Ich bin hier, um ALLE NUTTEN ZU ÜBERTRUMPFEN!” 👠💋🖨️

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (lachend) “Du?! Eine Nutte mit einer Druckmaschine?! Du bist ein BUCHHALTER! Du hast TABELLEN! Du kannst keine Nutte sein!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf hochhaltend) “Ich habe SPALTE 47! Ich habe DESINVESTMENT! Ich habe die Macht zu DRUCKEN und zu NUTTEN! Schau mir zu!” 📊👠

—

DIE DRUCKMASCHINEN-PERÜCKE – EINE NEUE WAFFE 🖨️💇‍♀️

Esau-HafenHure aktivierte ihre Druckmaschinen-Perücke. Sie begann, goldene Zahlen und Desinvestment-Slogans auf die Straße zu drucken.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “SPALTE 47 – DRUCKMASCHINEN-PERÜCKE AKTIVIERT! ZEILE HERBERTSTRASSE – DESINVESTIERT IN BITCHIGKEIT!” 📊🖨️

Goldene Zahlen schossen aus der Perücke. Sie trafen die Nutten. Sie trafen die Fenster. Sie trafen die gesamte Straße. Die Nutten begannen sich zu verwandeln. Sie waren nicht mehr nur Nutten. Sie waren DESINVESTMENT-NUTTEN.

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (schockiert) “Was… was hast du getan?! Du hast uns DESINVESTIERT!” 😱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (grinsend) “Ja. Ich habe euch in BITCHIGKEIT desinvestiert. Jetzt seid ihr die BITCHIGSTEN Nutten im Multiversum.” 👠💋

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (grinsend) “Ich… ich liebe es! Ich bin BITCHIGER als je zuvor!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Jetzt werden wir die Herbertstrasse gemeinsam regieren. Wir werden DESINVESTMENT drucken. Wir werden NUTTEN. Wir werden FABELHAFT sein.” 👠💋🖨️

—

DER BITCH-OFF – ESAU-HAFENHURE VS. DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE 👠💥

Die Bitchigste Nutte forderte Esau-HafenHure zu einem BITCH-OFF heraus. Die Siegerin würde die Herbertstrasse regieren.

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (mit den Fingern schnipsend) “Du denkst, du bist die Bitchigste? Lass uns BITCH-OFF machen!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (zurückschnipsend) “DU BIST DRAN!” 👠💋

Sie standen sich gegenüber. Die Menge versammelte sich. Die 99 Schizo Petes spielten dramatische Musik. Die Nutten schauten zu.

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: “Ich kann Heringssaft trinken und dabei FABELHAFT aussehen!” 💋

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Ich kann Heringssaft trinken und GLEICHZEITIG TABELLEN DRUCKEN!” 📊💋

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: “Ich kann Netzstrümpfe tragen und auf Absätzen laufen!” 👠

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: “Ich kann Netzstrümpfe tragen, auf Absätzen laufen UND die gesamte Straße DESINVESTIEREN!” 📊👠

DIE BITCHIGSTE NUTTE: (sprachlos) “Du… du gewinnst. Du bist die BITCHIGSTE.” 😱

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (triumphierend) “Ich bin die KÖNIGIN DER HAFENHUREN! Ich habe die Druckmaschine! Ich habe die Perücke! Ich habe SPALTE 47!” 👠💋🖨️

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (eine Pose auf der Herbertstrasse einnehmend) “Ich bin die BITCHIGSTE HafenHure mit einer Druckmaschine geworden! Ich habe die Herbertstrasse erobert! Ich habe ALLE Nutten ÜBERTRUMPFT!” 👠💋🖨️

HAFENHURE: (sich verbeugend) “Ich bin nicht mehr die Königin der HafenHuren. DU bist es, Esau.” 👠

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du bist der lächerlichste, schönste, netzstrumpftragendste Buchhalter, den ich je geliebt habe.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Die Herbertstrasse hat noch nie solche FABELHAFTIGKEIT gesehen!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Druckmaschinen-Perücke ist IKONISCH!” 💄

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – ESAU-HAFENHURE IST DIE BITCHIGSTE!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine HAFENHURE verschluckt!” 🌊

CTHULHU: (aus der Ferne brüllend) “ICH HABE VON HAFENHUREN GETRÄUMT! DAS IST MAGNIFIZENT!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! HAFENHURE!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Druckmaschinen-Perücke. Die Perücke gewinnt.” 🦑

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE HAFENHURE MIT DRUCKMASCHINE! BITCH-OFF! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE HERBERTSTRASSE! UND SIE WURDE BITCHIGER!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esau-HafenHures Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE HERBERTSTRASSEN-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 👠💋🖨️📊💩

ESAU WURDE EINE HAFENHURE.
ER WURDE DIE BITCHIGSTE HAFENHURE.
ER HATTE EINE DRUCKMASCHINEN-PERÜCKE.
ER ÜBERTRUMPFTE ALLE NUTTEN.
ER EROBERTE DIE HERBERTSTRASSE.
ALLE 120 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HAFENHUREN. MIT DRUCKMASCHINEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
👠💋🖨️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

HerbertstrassenÜbernahmeVerschwörung #EsauHafenHure #BitchigsteNutte #DruckmaschinenPerücke #Herbertstrasse #NuttenÜbertrampft #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle120Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #Netzstrümpfe #Desinvestment #KöniginDerHafenHuren #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 61] 🎬🍿👠💋🖨️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE HERBERTSTRASSEN-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG 👠💋🖨️📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit HafenHuren. Mit Druckmaschinen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

👠💋🖨️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, HafenHure (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Bitch-Off-Musik), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Herbertstrasse kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩👠💋🖨️📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – THE PAPYRUS WALL: ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVES ON THE BDDR – BUILDS A WALL OF PAPYRUS AROUND ST. PAULI TO SAVE ESAU’S PRINTING MACHINE! 📜🚢🧱📊💩

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻Powered by Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

BY BERNWARD BIMBO, ERNST NEGER 6, MORTEN MOHR & DIANA NEGERKUSS – A SAMUEL BRONKOWIZ PRODUCTION FOR MADWOOD STUDIOS

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – THE PAPYRUS WALL: ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVES ON THE BDDR – BUILDS A WALL OF PAPYRUS AROUND ST. PAULI TO SAVE ESAU’S PRINTING MACHINE! 📜🚢🧱📊💩

“The wall is not to keep people out. It is to keep DESINVESTMENT in.” – Admiral Walter Ulricht

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 58)

The 4 publishers had declared war. Esau had summoned the most vicious sea monsters – Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, and The World Serpent Prime. The fortress was destroyed. The publishers were defeated. The Invisible Ink Pact was broken. All 116 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a new ship appeared on the horizon. It was not a pirate ship. It was not a ghost ship. It was the BDDR – the most magnificent, bureaucratic, communist vessel ever built. At its helm stood ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT – a stern, mustachioed figure in a naval uniform covered in medals and spreadsheets.

WALTER ULRICHT: (voice booming across the water) “ATTENTION, MUCHAVERSE! I AM ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! I HAVE COME TO SAVE YOUR PRINTING MACHINE! I HAVE COME TO BUILD A WALL!” 🚢

EHLERS: (confused) “A wall? What kind of wall?” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “A WALL OF PAPYRUS! The strongest material in the multiverse! It will protect your printing press from ALL threats! No publishers! No monsters! No chaos! Only DESINVESTMENT!” 📜🧱

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “A wall of papyrus? But… but that’s ancient! That’s ridiculous! That’s…” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (interrupting) “RIDICULOUS?! THE WALL OF PAPYRUS HAS PROTECTED EMPIRES! IT WILL PROTECT YOUR PRESS! I AM A COMMUNIST! I AM AN ADMIRAL! I AM A DESINVESTOR!” 🚢📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… WALTER ULRICHT DETECTED. COMMUNIST MULTIPLIER: 47,000%. PAPYRUS WALL STRENGTH: INFINITE. RECOMMENDATION: ACCEPT.” 👽

EHLERS: (grinning) “Fine! Build your wall! Protect the printing press! Save the MUCHAVERSE!” 📜📊

This is Episode 59. The Papyrus Wall.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 59) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57 & 58 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original (voice/model) NEW
The BDDR CGI Ship NEW
The Papyrus Wall CGI Structure NEW
Ulricht’s Crew CGI Army NEW
The Papyrus Guardian CGI / Voice NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (protected) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Axel Springer Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
John Jahr Original (rehabilitated) 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56
Floating Island CGI 57
Lighthouse CGI 57
Invisible Ink Fortress CGI (destroyed) 58

—

🚢 THE BDDR ARRIVES – WALTER ULRICHT’S SHIP

The BDDR sailed into the harbor of New New St. Pauli. It was a magnificent vessel – covered in red flags, communist symbols, spreadsheets, and papyrus scrolls. Admiral Walter Ulricht stood on the bow, mustache twitching, medals clinking.

WALTER ULRICHT: (shouting) “I AM ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! I HAVE SAILED THE SEAS OF BUREAUCRACY! I HAVE DEFEATED THE CAPITALISTS! I HAVE BUILT WALLS!” 🚢

EHLERS: (approaching) “Admiral! Welcome! Why are you here?” 📊

WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “I have heard of your printing press! I have heard of your desinvestment! I have heard of your COLUMN 47! I have come to PROTECT it!” 🚢📊

EHLERS: “But we already defeated the publishers! The monsters helped! The press is safe!” 📊

WALTER ULRICHT: (shaking his head) “SAFE?! THE PRESS IS NEVER SAFE! THERE ARE ALWAYS THREATS! THERE ARE ALWAYS CAPITALISTS! THERE ARE ALWAYS CHAOS! I WILL BUILD A WALL!” 📜🧱

EHLERS: “A wall? Around St. Pauli?” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (grinning) “A WALL OF PAPYRUS! The strongest material in the multiverse! It will protect your printing press from ALL threats!” 📜🧱

—

THE CONSTRUCTION – THE PAPYRUS WALL GOES UP 📜🧱🏗️

Admiral Walter Ulricht raised his hand. His crew – armed with papyrus rolls, communist hammers, and spreadsheets – began construction. The wall rose around St. Pauli – massive, golden, covered in ancient Egyptian symbols and communist slogans.

WALTER ULRICHT: “COLUMN 47 – WALL CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW ST. PAULI – ENCLOSE! ROW PAPYRUS – BECOME IMPENETRABLE!” 📜📊

The wall grew higher and higher. It surrounded the entire floating island. It was beautiful. It was absurd. It was PAPYRUS.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. PAPYRUS WALL STRENGTH: INFINITE. ST. PAULI IS PROTECTED.” 👽

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE WALL GOES UP 👥🧱

ROMY HAAG: (staring at the wall) “A wall? A PAPYRUS wall? It’s… it’s ridiculous. But also… FABULOUS.” 💖

DIVINE: (touching the wall) “Honey, this wall is giving me ANCIENT EGYPTIAN REALNESS!” 💄

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Papyrus? I have seen empires fall because of papyrus. This is… unprecedented.” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS WALL IS ABSURD!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🌊

CTHULHU: (roaring from the distance) “I HAVE DESTROYED WORLDS! BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PAPYRUS WALL!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I have slain kings! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I have eaten legions! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I have lured nations! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I have devoured fleets! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I have crushed cities! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I have dragged kingdoms! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I have swallowed empires! But I have never seen a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🐍

BAKUNIN: (furious) “A WALL?! A COMMUNIST WALL?! THIS IS NOT ANARCHY! THIS IS BUREAUCRACY!” 🧨

WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “BUREAUCRACY IS ANARCHY! ORDER IS CHAOS! THE WALL IS DESINVESTMENT!” 📜📊

—

THE WALL’S EFFECT – ST. PAULI ENCASED 🧱🏝️

The wall was complete. St. Pauli was encased in papyrus. The printing press was safe. But there was a problem. The wall was too high. It blocked the view. It blocked the light. It blocked the FUN.

EHLERS: (looking at the wall) “Admiral… this wall is… it’s beautiful. But it’s also… CLOSING US OFF!” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (sternly) “CLOSING OFF IS THE POINT! THE PRESS IS SAFE! THE DESINVESTMENT CONTINUES! THE WALL PROTECTS!” 📜🧱

EHLERS: “But… but what about the fish markets? What about the drag clubs? What about the REEPERBAHN?” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: “THE REEPERBAHN WILL SURVIVE! THE WALL WILL PROTECT IT! THE WALL WILL PROTECT EVERYTHING!” 📜🧱

ROMY HAAG: (frustrated) “I can’t perform with a wall blocking my audience!” 💖

DIVINE: (frustrated) “Honey, the wall is DIVINE but it’s also IN THE WAY!” 💄

JOKER: (laughing nervously) “HAHAHA! A WALL OF PAPYRUS! THIS IS THE MOST ABSURD THING YET!” 🃏

—

THE WALL BREAKS – PAPYRUS CRUMBLES 📜💔

Suddenly, a crack appeared in the wall. The papyrus began to crumble. The wall was not as strong as Walter Ulricht had claimed.

WALTER ULRICHT: (panicking) “NEIN! NEIN! THE WALL! IT’S CRUMBLING!” 📜💔

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. PAPYRUS WALL STRENGTH DECLINING. HUMIDITY DETECTED. PAPYRUS IS WEAK AGAINST MOISTURE.” 👽

EHLERS: (gasping) “The wall is… dissolving! It’s made of PAPYRUS! It’s supposed to be INK! But it’s PAPER! It’s MELTING!” 😱

WALTER ULRICHT: (horrified) “BUT… BUT I BUILT IT! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IMPENETRABLE!” 😭

The wall crumbled. Papyrus fragments floated everywhere. The printing press was exposed again. The wall had failed.

EHLERS: (laughing) “Admiral! Your wall was beautiful! But it was made of PAPER! Of course it couldn’t hold!” 😂

WALTER ULRICHT: (defeated) “I… I have failed. The wall is gone. The press is exposed.” 😢

EHLERS: (patting his back) “You didn’t fail, Admiral. You tried. And you gave us the most absurd wall in the multiverse. We will never forget it.” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (holding the printing press) “The wall is gone! But the press is safe! The Muchaverse is safe! And we have a new friend!” 🟣📊

WALTER ULRICHT: (teary-eyed) “I… I am not used to failure. But I am used to ABSURDITY. And this is the most absurd thing I have ever done.” 📜💩

MARIA BATORY: (kissing Esau) “You always find a way, my love.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The wall is gone! The stage is free! The REEPERBAHN LIVES!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, that wall was FABULOUS while it lasted!” 💄

CTHULHU: (roaring from the distance) “I HAVE ENJOYED THIS! A PAPYRUS WALL! ABSURD! WONDERFUL!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “THE WALL FELL! ANARCHY WINS!” 🧨

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST WALL EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a PAPYRUS WALL!” 🌊

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A COMMUNIST WALL! A PAPYRUS WALL! A CRUMBLING WALL! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE WALL! AND IT CRUMBLED! I AM THE DESTROYER OF WALLS!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE PAPYRUS WALL CONSPIRACY ☭ 📜🧱📊💩

ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVED.
HE BUILT A WALL OF PAPYRUS AROUND ST. PAULI.
THE WALL WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THE WALL WAS ABSURD.
THE WALL CRUMBLED.
BUT THE PRINTING PRESS WAS SAVED.
ALL 117 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH WALLS. WITH COMMUNISTS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
📜🧱📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

PapyrusWallConspiracy #AdmiralWalterUlricht #BDDR #PapyrusWall #CommunistWall #StPauliEnclosed #PrintingPressSaved #Column47Forever #All117Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #WallOfPapyrus #BureaucracyVsAnarchy #UltimateAbsurdity #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 59] 🎬🍿📜🧱📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE PAPYRUS WALL CONSPIRACY 📜🧱📊

The cycle continues. With walls. With communists. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

📜🧱📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (protected), Maria Batory, Medusa, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for wall-building shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the wall.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩📜🧱📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER: ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT ARRIVIERT AUF DER BDDR – BAUT EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS UM ST. PAULI, UM ESAUS DRUCKMASCHINE ZU RETTEN! 📜🚢🧱📊💩

“Die Mauer ist nicht dazu da, Menschen draußen zu halten. Sie ist dazu da, DESINVESTMENT drinnen zu halten.” – Admiral Walter Ulricht

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 58)

Die 4 Verleger hatten den Krieg erklärt. Esau hatte die abscheulichsten See-Monster gerufen – Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken und Die Welten-Schlange Prime. Die Festung wurde zerstört. Die Verleger wurden besiegt. Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt war gebrochen. Alle 116 Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, erschien ein neues Schiff am Horizont. Es war kein Piratenschiff. Es war kein Geisterschiff. Es war die BDDR – das prächtigste, bürokratischste, kommunistischste Schiff, das je gebaut wurde. An seinem Steuer stand ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT – eine strenge, schnauzbärtige Gestalt in einer Marineuniform, bedeckt mit Orden und Tabellen.

WALTER ULRICHT: (Stimme über das Wasser dröhnend) “ACHTUNG, MUCHAVERSE! ICH BIN ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! ICH BIN GEKOMMEN, UM EURE DRUCKMASCHINE ZU RETTEN! ICH BIN GEKOMMEN, UM EINE MAUER ZU BAUEN!” 🚢

EHLERS: (verwirrt) “Eine Mauer? Was für eine Mauer?” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS! Das stärkste Material im Multiversum! Sie wird deine Druckmaschine vor ALLEN Bedrohungen schützen! Keine Verleger! Keine Monster! Kein Chaos! Nur DESINVESTMENT!” 📜🧱

EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Eine Mauer aus Papyrus? Aber… das ist uralt! Das ist lächerlich! Das ist…” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (unterbrechend) “LÄCHERLICH?! DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER HAT IMPERIEN BESCHÜTZT! SIE WIRD DEINE PRESSE BESCHÜTZEN! ICH BIN EIN KOMMUNIST! ICH BIN EIN ADMIRAL! ICH BIN EIN DESINVESTOR!” 🚢📊

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHE… WALTER ULRICHT ERKANNT. KOMMUNISTEN-MULTIPLIKATOR: 47.000%. PAPYRUS-MAUER-STÄRKE: UNENDLICH. EMPFEHLUNG: ANNEHMEN.” 👽

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Gut! Bau deine Mauer! Beschütze die Druckmaschine! RETTE DAS MUCHAVERSE!” 📜📊

Dies ist Episode 59. Die Papyrus-Mauer.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 59) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57 & 58-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Die BDDR CGI-Schiff NEU
Die Papyrus-Mauer CGI-Struktur NEU
Ulrichts Besatzung CGI-Armee NEU
Der Papyrus-Wächter CGI / Stimme NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (beschützt) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Axel Springer Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
John Jahr Original (rehabilitiert) 43–46
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56
Schwimmende Insel CGI 57
Leuchtturm CGI 57
Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte CGI (zerstört) 58

—

🚢 DIE BDDR ARRIVIERT – WALTER ULRICHTS SCHIFF

Die BDDR segelte in den Hafen von Neu-Neu-St. Pauli ein. Es war ein prächtiges Schiff – bedeckt mit roten Flaggen, kommunistischen Symbolen, Tabellen und Papyrusrollen. Admiral Walter Ulricht stand am Bug, der Schnurrbart zuckte, die Orden klimperten.

WALTER ULRICHT: (rufend) “ICH BIN ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT! ICH BIN ÜBER DIE MEERE DER BÜROKRATIE GESEGELT! ICH HABE DIE KAPITALISTEN BESIEGT! ICH HABE MAUERN GEBAUT!” 🚢

EHLERS: (sich nähernd) “Admiral! Willkommen! Warum sind Sie hier?” 📊

WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “Ich habe von Ihrer Druckmaschine gehört! Ich habe von Ihrem Desinvestment gehört! Ich habe von Ihrer SPALTE 47 gehört! Ich bin gekommen, um sie zu BESCHÜTZEN!” 🚢📊

EHLERS: “Aber wir haben die Verleger doch schon besiegt! Die Monster haben geholfen! Die Presse ist sicher!” 📊

WALTER ULRICHT: (den Kopf schüttelnd) “SICHER?! DIE PRESSE IST NIE SICHER! ES GIBT IMMER BEDROHUNGEN! ES GIBT IMMER KAPITALISTEN! ES GIBT IMMER CHAOS! ICH WERDE EINE MAUER BAUEN!” 📜🧱

EHLERS: “Eine Mauer? Um St. Pauli?” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (grinsend) “EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS! Das stärkste Material im Multiversum! Sie wird Ihre Druckmaschine vor ALLEN Bedrohungen schützen!” 📜🧱

—

DER BAU – DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER ERSTEHT 📜🧱🏗️

Admiral Walter Ulricht erhob seine Hand. Seine Besatzung – bewaffnet mit Papyrusrollen, kommunistischen Hämmern und Tabellen – begann mit dem Bau. Die Mauer erhob sich um St. Pauli – gewaltig, golden, bedeckt mit altägyptischen Symbolen und kommunistischen Slogans.

WALTER ULRICHT: “SPALTE 47 – MAUERBAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE ST. PAULI – EINSCHLIESSEN! ZEILE PAPYRUS – UNDURCHDRINGBAR WERDEN!” 📜📊

Die Mauer wurde höher und höher. Sie umgab die gesamte schwimmende Insel. Sie war wunderschön. Sie war absurd. Sie war PAPYRUS.

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. PAPYRUS-MAUER-STÄRKE: UNENDLICH. ST. PAULI IST BESCHÜTZT.” 👽

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE REAGIEREN – DIE MAUER ERSTEHT 👥🧱

ROMY HAAG: (die Mauer anstarrend) “Eine Mauer? Eine PAPYRUS-Mauer? Es ist… es ist lächerlich. Aber auch… FABELHAFT.” 💖

DIVINE: (die Mauer berührend) “Schatz, diese Mauer gibt mir ALTÄGYPTISCHE REALNESS!” 💄

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Papyrus? Ich habe Imperien fallen sehen wegen Papyrus. Das ist… beispiellos.” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DIESE MAUER IST ABSURD!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine PAPYRUS-MAUER verschluckt!” 🌊

CTHULHU: (aus der Ferne brüllend) “ICH HABE WELTEN ZERSTÖRT! ABER ICH HABE NIE EINE PAPYRUS-MAUER GESEHEN!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “Ich habe Könige getötet! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “Ich habe Legionen gefressen! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “Ich habe Nationen gelockt! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (brüllend) “Ich habe Flotten verschlungen! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “Ich habe Städte zermalmt! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “Ich habe Königreiche gerissen! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “Ich habe Imperien verschluckt! Aber ich habe nie eine PAPYRUS-MAUER gesehen!” 🐍

BAKUNIN: (wütend) “EINE MAUER?! EINE KOMMUNISTISCHE MAUER?! DAS IST NICHT ANARCHIE! DAS IST BÜROKRATIE!” 🧨

WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “BÜROKRATIE IST ANARCHIE! ORDNUNG IST CHAOS! DIE MAUER IST DESINVESTMENT!” 📜📊

—

DER EFFEKT DER MAUER – ST. PAULI EINGEHÜLLT 🧱🏝️

Die Mauer war vollendet. St. Pauli war von Papyrus umgeben. Die Druckmaschine war sicher. Aber es gab ein Problem. Die Mauer war zu hoch. Sie versperrte die Aussicht. Sie versperrte das Licht. Sie versperrte den SPAß.

EHLERS: (die Mauer betrachtend) “Admiral… diese Mauer ist… sie ist wunderschön. Aber sie schließt uns auch EIN!” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: (streng) “EINSCHLIESSEN IST DER SINN! DIE PRESSE IST SICHER! DAS DESINVESTMENT GEHT WEITER! DIE MAUER SCHÜTZT!” 📜🧱

EHLERS: “Aber… aber was ist mit den Fischmärkten? Was ist mit den Drag-Clubs? Was ist mit der REEPERBAHN?” 😳

WALTER ULRICHT: “DIE REEPERBAHN WIRD ÜBERLEBEN! DIE MAUER WIRD SIE BESCHÜTZEN! DIE MAUER WIRD ALLES BESCHÜTZEN!” 📜🧱

ROMY HAAG: (frustriert) “Ich kann nicht auftreten, wenn eine Mauer mein Publikum blockiert!” 💖

DIVINE: (frustriert) “Schatz, die Mauer ist DIVINE, aber sie ist auch IM WEG!” 💄

JOKER: (nervös lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS! DAS IST DAS ABSURDESTE BISHER!” 🃏

—

DIE MAUER BRICHT – PAPYRUS ZERBRICHT 📜💔

Plötzlich erschien ein Riss in der Mauer. Der Papyrus begann zu zerbröckeln. Die Mauer war nicht so stark, wie Walter Ulricht behauptet hatte.

WALTER ULRICHT: (in Panik) “NEIN! NEIN! DIE MAUER! SIE BRICHT!” 📜💔

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. PAPYRUS-MAUER-STÄRKE NIMMT AB. FEUCHTIGKEIT ERKANNT. PAPYRUS IST SCHWACH GEGEN FEUCHTIGKEIT.” 👽

EHLERS: (keuchend) “Die Mauer… sie löst sich auf! Sie besteht aus PAPYRUS! Sie sollte TINTE sein! Aber es ist PAPIER! Es SCHMILZT!” 😱

WALTER ULRICHT: (entsetzt) “ABER… ABER ICH HABE SIE GEBAUT! SIE SOLLTE UNDURCHDRINGBAR SEIN!” 😭

Die Mauer zerbröckelte. Papyrus-Fragmente schwebten überall umher. Die Druckmaschine war wieder exponiert. Die Mauer hatte versagt.

EHLERS: (lachend) “Admiral! Ihre Mauer war wunderschön! Aber sie bestand aus PAPIER! Natürlich konnte sie nicht halten!” 😂

WALTER ULRICHT: (besiegt) “Ich… ich habe versagt. Die Mauer ist weg. Die Presse ist exponiert.” 😢

EHLERS: (ihm auf die Schulter klopfend) “Sie haben nicht versagt, Admiral. Sie haben es versucht. Und Sie haben uns die absurdeste Mauer im Multiversum geschenkt. Wir werden sie nie vergessen.” 📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (die Druckmaschine haltend) “Die Mauer ist weg! Aber die Presse ist sicher! Das Muchaverse ist sicher! Und wir haben einen neuen Freund!” 🟣📊

WALTER ULRICHT: (mit Tränen in den Augen) “Ich… ich bin Misserfolge nicht gewöhnt. Aber ich bin ABSURDITÄT gewöhnt. Und das ist das Absurdeste, was ich je getan habe.” 📜💩

MARIA BATORY: (Esau küssend) “Du findest immer einen Weg, meine Liebe.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Die Mauer ist weg! Die Bühne ist frei! Die REEPERBAHN LEBT!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Mauer war FABELHAFT, solange sie hielt!” 💄

CTHULHU: (aus der Ferne brüllend) “ICH HABE DAS GENOSSEN! EINE PAPYRUS-MAUER! ABSURD! WUNDERBAR!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “DIE MAUER IST GEFALLEN! ANARCHIE SIEGT!” 🧨

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS WAR DIE BESTE MAUER ÜBERHAUPT!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine PAPYRUS-MAUER verschluckt!” 🌊

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE KOMMUNISTISCHE MAUER! EINE PAPYRUS-MAUER! EINE ZERBRÖCKELNDE MAUER! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE MAUER! UND SIE ZERBRÖCKELTE! ICH BIN DIE ZERSTÖRERIN DER MAUERN!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 📜🧱📊💩

ADMIRAL WALTER ULRICHT KAM.
ER BAUTE EINE MAUER AUS PAPYRUS UM ST. PAULI.
DIE MAUER WAR WUNDERSCHÖN.
DIE MAUER WAR ABSURD.
DIE MAUER ZERBRÖCKELTE.
ABER DIE DRUCKMASCHINE WAR GERICHTET.
ALLE 117 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MAUERN. MIT KOMMUNISTEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
📜🧱📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

PapyrusMauerVerschwörung #AdmiralWalterUlricht #BDDR #PapyrusMauer #KommunistischeMauer #StPauliEingehüllt #DruckmaschineGerettet #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle117Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #MauerAusPapyrus #BürokratieVsAnarchie #UltimativeAbsurdität #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 59] 🎬🍿📜🧱📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE PAPYRUS-MAUER-VERSCHWÖRUNG 📜🧱📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Mauern. Mit Kommunisten. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

📜🧱📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (beschützt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Admiral Walter Ulricht, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Mauerbau-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Mauer kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩📜🧱📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – MONSTER ALLIANCE: THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS UNITE TO SUPPORT ESAU IN THE PRINTING PRESS WAR AGAINST THE 4 PUBLISHERS! 🐉🌊📊💩

“The publishers have spreadsheets. We have KRAKENS.” – Esau Ehlers

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 57)

Esau had built New New St. Pauli – a floating island of desinvestment utopia. All 108 characters rejoiced. The Lighthouse Keeper guided them. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the floating island, a dark cloud appeared on the horizon. It was not a storm. It was a PUBLISHING STORM. The 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr – had reclaimed their power. They had formed the INVISIBLE INK PACT. They had declared war on Esau and the Muchaverse. They wanted to control all desinvestment. They wanted to destroy the printing press – FOREVER.

EHLERS: (screaming) “The publishers! They’re back! They’ve formed an alliance against us!” 😱

AXEL SPRINGER: (appearing on a dimensional screen) “Esau Ehlers! You have desinvested enough! It is time for the PUBLISHERS to take control!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “We will destroy your printing press! We will control all invisible ink! We will control the Muchaverse!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “Your Column 47 is nothing compared to our PUBLISHING POWER!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “We have armies. We have lawyers. We have SPREADSHEETS!” 📊

EHLERS: (furious) “You will not destroy my press! You will not control the ink! You will not desinvest the MUCHAVERSE!” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. PUBLISHERS DETECTED. THREAT LEVEL: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: SUMMON THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.” 👽

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Sea monsters? But… but we have Scylla! And Charybdis! And Leviathan! And Kraken! And Jörmungandr! And Moby Dick!” 😳

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “They are not ENOUGH. We need the MOST VICIOUS. We need the ones that even MONSTERS fear.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinning) “Then we will summon them all. We will unite the sea monsters. We will fight the PUBLISHERS.” 🟣📊

This is Episode 58. The Monster Alliance.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 58) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Cthulhu CGI / Voice NEW
Dagon CGI / Voice NEW
The Hydra CGI / Voice NEW
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice NEW
The Great White CGI / Voice NEW
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice NEW
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice NEW
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice NEW
The Monster Council CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (commander) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Axel Springer Original (villain) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (villain) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (villain) 43–46
John Jahr Original (villain) 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56
Floating Island CGI 57
Lighthouse CGI 57

🐉 THE SUMMONING – ESAU CALLS THE MONSTERS

Esau stood on the edge of the floating island. He raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. Golden numbers shot into the sky. A dimensional portal opened above the ocean.

EHLERS: “I SUMMON YOU! THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS! THE ANCIENT ONES! THE ONES EVEN MONSTERS FEAR! I CALL YOU TO THE MUCHAVERSE!” 🟣📊

The ocean churned. The sky darkened. And one by one, the most vicious sea monsters emerged.

CTHULHU: (rising from the depths, massive, winged, tentacled) “WHO DARES SUMMON THE GREAT DREAMER?!” 🐉

DAGON: (rising from the depths, fish-like, ancient) “I AM DAGON! I HAVE SLAIN THOUSANDS! I COME TO FIGHT!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (rising from the depths, multiple heads, hissing) “CUT OFF ONE HEAD! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (rising from the depths, beautiful, terrifying) “I AM THE SIREN QUEEN! I HAVE LURED MILLIONS TO THEIR DEATH! I COME TO SING!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (rising from the depths, massive shark) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I HAVE EATEN FLEETS! I COME TO DEVOUR!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths, biblical, terrifying) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I HAVE CRUSHED WORLDS! I COME TO DESTROY!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (rising from the depths, tentacles everywhere) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I HAVE DRAGGED CITIES TO THE ABYSS! I COME TO WRAP!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (rising from the depths, enormous, coiled) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I HAVE SWALLOWED CONTINENTS! I COME TO CONSUME!” 🐍

THE MONSTER COUNCIL: (speaking in unison) “WE HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, ESAU EHLERS. WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND?” 🐉

EHLERS: (grinning) “THE 4 PUBLISHERS HAVE DECLARED WAR! THEY WANT TO DESTROY THE PRINTING PRESS! THEY WANT TO CONTROL ALL DESINVESTMENT! I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THEM!” 📊

CTHULHU: (roaring) “PUBLISHERS?! I HAVE DESTROYED WORLDS! I CAN DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! I CAN SLAY PUBLISHERS!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN LEGIONS! I CAN EAT PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED NATIONS! I CAN LURE PUBLISHERS!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED FLEETS! I CAN DEVOUR PUBLISHERS!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED CITIES! I CAN CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED KINGDOMS! I CAN DRAG PUBLISHERS!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED EMPIRES! I CAN SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

EHLERS: “THEN FOLLOW ME! WE ATTACK THE PUBLISHERS! WE SAVE THE PRINTING PRESS! WE DESINVEST THE INVISIBLE INK PACT!” 🟣📊

THE PUBLISHERS’ FORTRESS – THE INVISIBLE INK PACT 📊🏰

The publishers had built a fortress in the middle of the ocean – the Invisible Ink Fortress. It was made of spreadsheets, legal documents, and lawyers. It was guarded by an army of accountants.

AXEL SPRINGER: (standing on the fortress walls) “Esau Ehlers! You cannot defeat us! We have THE INVISIBLE INK PACT! We have SPREADSHEET POWER!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “You are just a bookkeeper! We are PUBLISHERS!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “We have the power of the press! We have the power of the ink!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “Your Column 47 is NOTHING compared to our INVISIBLE INK ARMY!” 📊

EHLERS: (standing on a coral platform) “You are wrong! I am not just a bookkeeper! I am COLUMN 47! And I have brought reinforcements!” 🟣📊

THE BATTLE – MONSTERS VS. PUBLISHERS 🐉💪

The battle raged across the ocean. The sea monsters attacked the fortress.

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF PUBLISHER DESTRUCTION!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! PUBLISHERS ARE JUST PAPER KINGS!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (biting the fortress walls) “CUT OFF ONE PUBLISHER! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “COME TO ME, PUBLISHERS! LEAVE YOUR SPREADSHEETS BEHIND!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (eating the army of accountants) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I EAT ACCOUNTANTS!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing the fortress walls) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping the fortress) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I DRAG PUBLISHERS TO THE ABYSS!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling around the fortress) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I EAT SIX PUBLISHERS!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW FORTRESSES! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (ramming) “I RAM PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I WRAP PUBLISHERS! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (biting) “I BITE PUBLISHERS! I EAT PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (sinking) “I SINK PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” 🐋

THE PUBLISHERS’ DEFEAT – THE INVISIBLE INK PACT BROKEN 📊💔

The fortress crumbled. The lawyers fled. The accountants surrendered. The 4 publishers were captured.

AXEL SPRINGER: (kneeling) “We… we surrender! We are defeated!” 😰

HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “Please… don’t let the monsters eat us!” 😰

GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” 😰

JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “Column 47 is SUPREME!” 😰

EHLERS: (standing over them) “You have lost. The Invisible Ink Pact is broken. The printing press is safe. Das Desinvestment will continue.” 📊

CTHULHU: (roaring) “SHALL I EAT THEM, ESAU EHLERS?” 🐉

EHLERS: “No. They will work for us. They will LEARN to desinvest. They will become… ACCOUNTANTS.” 📊

SPRINGER: (horrified) “ACCOUNTANTS?! We are PUBLISHERS!” 😰

EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are DESINVESTORS. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” 📊

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (standing on the ruins of the fortress) “The publishers are defeated! The Invisible Ink Pact is broken! Das Desinvestment is saved!” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love! You saved the press!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The Muchaverse is safe.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I helped defeat the publishers. I am a desinvestor.” 🦈📊

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I HAVE ENJOYED THIS! I WILL RETURN! I HAVE PUBLISHER NIGHTMARES!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN PUBLISHERS! I AM VICTORIOUS!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN PUBLISHERS! I AM SATISFIED!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED PUBLISHERS! I AM HAPPY!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED ACCOUNTANTS! I AM FULL!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED PUBLISHERS! I AM TRIUMPHANT!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED PUBLISHERS! I AM CONTENT!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED PUBLISHERS! I AM SATIATED!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST BATTLE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed a fortress! I have swallowed publishers! I am HAPPY!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS DEFEATED!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have an army of monsters. The monsters win.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS! A FORTRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND THE MONSTERS APPROVED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🐉🌊📊💩

THE 4 PUBLISHERS DECLARED WAR.
ESAU SUMMONED THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.
CTHULHU, DAGON, THE HYDRA, THE SIREN QUEEN, THE GREAT WHITE, THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN, THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN, AND THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME ANSWERED THE CALL.
THE FORTRESS WAS DESTROYED.
THE PUBLISHERS WERE DEFEATED.
THE INVISIBLE INK PACT WAS BROKEN.
ALL 116 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH MONSTERS. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

MonsterAllianceConspiracy #SeaMonstersUnite #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenQueen #GreatWhite #DeepSeaLeviathan #AbyssalKraken #WorldSerpentPrime #PrintingPressWar #4PublishersDefeated #InvisibleInkPactBroken #Column47Forever #All116Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #UltimateBattle #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 58] 🎬🍿🐉🌊📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY 🐉🌊📊

The cycle continues. With monsters. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (commander), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, The World Serpent Prime, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the publishers.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🐉🌊📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – MONSTER-ALLIANZ: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER VEREINEN SICH, UM ESAU IM DRUCKMASCHINEN-KRIEG GEGEN DIE 4 VERLEGER ZU UNTERSTÜTZEN! 🐉🌊📊💩

“Die Verleger haben Tabellen. Wir haben KRAKEN.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 57)

Esau hatte Neu-Neu-St. Pauli gebaut – eine schwimmende Insel der Desinvestment-Utopie. Alle 108 Charaktere jubelten. Der Leuchtturmwärter führte sie. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf der schwimmenden Insel feierte, erschien eine dunkle Wolke am Horizont. Es war kein Sturm. Es war ein VERLAGS-STURM. Die 4 Verleger – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr – hatten ihre Macht zurückerobert. Sie hatten den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT geschlossen. Sie hatten Esau und dem Muchaverse den Krieg erklärt. Sie wollten die gesamte Desinvestment kontrollieren. Sie wollten die Druckmaschine – FÜR IMMER – zerstören.

EHLERS: (schreiend) “Die Verleger! Sie sind zurück! Sie haben ein Bündnis gegen uns geschlossen!” 😱

AXEL SPRINGER: (auf einem Dimensionsbildschirm erscheinend) “Esau Ehlers! Du hast genug desinvestiert! Es ist Zeit für die VERLEGER, die Kontrolle zu übernehmen!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (höhnisch) “Wir werden deine Druckmaschine zerstören! Wir werden die gesamte unsichtbare Tinte kontrollieren! Wir werden das Muchaverse kontrollieren!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Deine Spalte 47 ist nichts im Vergleich zu unserer VERLAGS-MACHT!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Wir haben Armeen. Wir haben Anwälte. Wir haben TABELLEN!” 📊

EHLERS: (wütend) “Ihr werdet meine Presse nicht zerstören! Ihr werdet die Tinte nicht kontrollieren! Ihr werdet das MUCHAVERSE nicht desinvestieren!” 📊

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. VERLEGER ERKANNT. BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER ZU RUFEN.” 👽

EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “See-Monster? Aber… aber wir haben doch Skylla! Und Charybdis! Und Leviathan! Und Kraken! Und Jörmungandr! Und Moby Dick!” 😳

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Sie sind nicht GENUG. Wir brauchen die ABSCHECULICHSTEN. Wir brauchen die, vor denen selbst MONSTER Angst haben.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Dann werden wir sie alle rufen. Wir werden die See-Monster vereinen. Wir werden gegen die VERLEGER kämpfen.” 🟣📊

Dies ist Episode 58. Die Monster-Allianz.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 58) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme NEU
Dagon CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Monster-Rat CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Kommandant) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Axel Springer Original (Schurke) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (Schurke) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (Schurke) 43–46
John Jahr Original (Schurke) 43–46
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56
Schwimmende Insel CGI 57
Leuchtturm CGI 57

—

🐉 DIE BESCHWÖRUNG – ESAU RUFT DIE MONSTER

Esau stand am Rand der schwimmenden Insel. Er erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Goldene Zahlen schossen in den Himmel. Ein Dimensionsportal öffnete sich über dem Ozean.

EHLERS: “ICH RUFE EUCH! DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER! DIE URALTEN! DIE, VOR DENEN SELBST MONSTER ANGST HABEN! ICH RUFE EUCH INS MUCHAVERSE!” 🟣📊

Der Ozean brodelte. Der Himmel verdunkelte sich. Und einer nach dem anderen tauchten die abscheulichsten See-Monster auf.

CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltig, geflügelt, tentakelig) “WER WAGT ES, DEN GROSSEN TRÄUMER ZU RUFEN?!” 🐉

DAGON: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, fischartig, uralt) “ICH BIN DAGON! ICH HABE TAUSENDE GETÖTET! ICH KOMME, UM ZU KÄMPFEN!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, mehrere Köpfe, zischend) “SCHNEID EINEN KOPF AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, wunderschön, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN! ICH HABE MILLIONEN IN DEN TOD GELOCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU SINGEN!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltiger Hai) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEIßE! ICH HABE FLOTTEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, biblisch, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERMALMT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU ZERSTÖREN!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, Tentakel überall) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH HABE STÄDTE IN DEN ABYSS GERISSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU UMRINGEN!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, enorm, zusammengerollt) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH HABE KONTINENTE VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” 🐍

DER MONSTER-RAT: (im Chor sprechend) “WIR HABEN DEINEN RUF ERHÖRT, ESAU EHLERS. WAS IST DEIN BEFEHL?” 🐉

EHLERS: (grinsend) “DIE 4 VERLEGER HABEN UNS DEN KRIEG ERKLÄRT! SIE WOLLEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE ZERSTÖREN! SIE WOLLEN DIE GESAMTE DESINVESTMENT KONTROLLIEREN! ICH BRAUCHE EURE HILFE, UM GEGEN SIE ZU KÄMPFEN!” 📊

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “VERLEGER?! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERSTÖRT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERSTÖREN!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE KÖNIGE GETÖTET! ICH KANN VERLEGER TÖTEN!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE LEGIONEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER FRESSEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE NATIONEN GELOCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER LOCKEN!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (brüllend) “ICH HABE FLOTTEN VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLINGEN!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE STÄDTE ZERMALMT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERMALMEN!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE KÖNIGREICHE GERISSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER REISSEN!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE IMPERIEN VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKEN!” 🐍

EHLERS: “DANN FOLGT MIR! WIR GREIFEN DIE VERLEGER AN! WIR RETTEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE! WIR DESINVESTIEREN DEN UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT!” 🟣📊

—

DIE VERLAGS-FESTUNG – DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT 📊🏰

Die Verleger hatten eine Festung mitten im Ozean errichtet – die Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte. Sie bestand aus Tabellen, Rechtsdokumenten und Anwälten. Sie wurde von einer Armee aus Buchhaltern bewacht.

AXEL SPRINGER: (auf den Festungsmauern stehend) “Esau Ehlers! Du kannst uns nicht besiegen! Wir haben den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT! Wir haben TABELLEN-KRAFT!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (höhnisch) “Du bist nur ein Buchhalter! Wir sind VERLEGER!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Wir haben die Macht der Presse! Wir haben die Macht der Tinte!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS im Vergleich zu unserer UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-ARMEE!” 📊

EHLERS: (auf einer Korallenplattform stehend) “Ihr irrt euch! Ich bin nicht nur ein Buchhalter! Ich bin SPALTE 47! Und ich habe VERSTÄRKUNG mitgebracht!” 🟣📊

—

DIE SCHLACHT – MONSTER VS. VERLEGER 🐉💪

Die Schlacht tobte über den Ozean. Die See-Monster griffen die Festung an.

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRÄUMER! ICH TRÄUME VON VERLAGS-ZERSTÖRUNG!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE KÖNIGE GETÖTET! VERLEGER SIND NUR PAPIER-KÖNIGE!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (in die Festungsmauern beißend) “SCHNEID EINEN VERLEGER AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “KOMMT ZU MIR, VERLEGER! LASST EURE TABELLEN ZURÜCK!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (die Buchhalter-Armee fressend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEIßE! ICH FRESSE BUCHHALTER!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (die Festungsmauern zermalmend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (die Festung umringend) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH REISSE VERLEGER IN DEN ABYSS!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (sich um die Festung windend) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe beißend) “ICH HABE SECHS KÖPFE! ICH FRESSE SECHS VERLEGER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE FESTUNGEN! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (rammend) “ICH RAMME VERLEGER! ICH ZERSTÖRE VERLEGER!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH UMRINGE VERLEGER! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (beißen) “ICH BEIßE VERLEGER! ICH FRESSE VERLEGER!” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (versenkend) “ICH VERSEINKE VERLEGER! ICH ZERSTÖRE VERLEGER!” 🐋

—

DIE NIEDERLAGE DER VERLEGER – DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT IST GEBROCHEN 📊💔

Die Festung zerbröckelte. Die Anwälte flohen. Die Buchhalter ergaben sich. Die 4 Verleger wurden gefangen genommen.

AXEL SPRINGER: (kniend) “Wir… wir ergeben uns! Wir sind besiegt!” 😰

HENRI NANNEN: (kniend) “Bitte… lasst die Monster uns nicht fressen!” 😰

GERD BUCERIUS: (kniend) “Wir werden ALLES tun!” 😰

JOHN JAHR: (kniend) “Spalte 47 ist ÜBERLEGEN!” 😰

EHLERS: (über ihnen stehend) “Ihr habt verloren. Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen. Die Druckmaschine ist sicher. Das Desinvestment wird weitergehen.” 📊

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “SOLL ICH SIE FRESSEN, ESAU EHLERS?” 🐉

EHLERS: “Nein. Sie werden für uns arbeiten. Sie werden lernen, zu DESINVESTIEREN. Sie werden… BUCHHALTER werden.” 📊

SPRINGER: (entsetzt) “BUCHHALTER?! Wir sind VERLEGER!” 😰

EHLERS: “Nicht mehr. Jetzt seid ihr DESINVESTOREN. Willkommen im Muchaverse.” 📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (auf den Ruinen der Festung stehend) “Die Verleger sind besiegt! Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen! Das Desinvestment ist gerettet!” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe! Du hast die Presse gerettet!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen lächelnd) “Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich habe geholfen, die Verleger zu besiegen. Ich bin ein Desinvestor.” 🦈📊

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “ICH HABE DAS GENOSSEN! ICH WERDE ZURÜCKKEHREN! ICH HABE VERLEGER-ALBTRÄUME!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GETÖTET! ICH BIN SIEGREICH!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GEFRESSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GELOCKT! ICH BIN GLÜCKLICH!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (brüllend) “ICH HABE BUCHHALTER VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH BIN SATT!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER ZERMALMT! ICH BIN TRIUMPHIEREND!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GERISSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKT! ICH BIN GESÄTTIGT!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS WAR DIE BESTE SCHLACHT ÜBERHAUPT!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe eine Festung verschluckt! Ich habe Verleger verschluckt! Ich bin GLÜCKLICH!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTER! VERLEGER BESIEGT!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast eine Armee von Monstern. Die Monster gewinnen.” 🦑

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! MONSTER! VERLEGER! EINE FESTUNG! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND DIE MONSTER HABEN ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🐉🌊📊💩

DIE 4 VERLEGER ERKLÄRTEN DEN KRIEG.
ESAU RIEF DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER.
CTHULHU, DAGON, DIE HYDRA, DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN, DER GROSSE WEIßE, DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN, DER ABYSS-KRAKEN UND DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME FOLGTEN DEM RUF.
DIE FESTUNG WURDE ZERSTÖRT.
DIE VERLEGER WURDEN BESIEGT.
DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT WAR GEBROCHEN.
ALLE 116 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MONSTERN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

MonsterAllianzVerschwörung #SeeMonsterVereinen #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenenKönigin #GrosserWeisser #TiefseeLeviathan #AbyssKraken #WeltenSchlangePrime #DruckmaschinenKrieg #4VerlegerBesiegt #UnsichtbarerTintenPaktGebrochen #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle116Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #UltimativeSchlacht #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 58] 🎬🍿🐉🌊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🐉🌊📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Monstern. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (Kommandant), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Schlachtsymphonien), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Verleger kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🐉🌊📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – ISLAND OF CHAOS: ESAU BUILDS NEW NEW ST. PAULI AFTER ATLANTIS SINKS – THE ULTIMATE FLOATING DESINVESTMENT! 🏝️🟣📊💩

“If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER island. That’s Column 47 thinking.” – Esau Ehlers

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 56)

Esau had used the Gigantic Purple Enema to rebuild Atlantis as New St. Pauli. He had competed with New York. All 107 characters rejoiced. The ultimate city was built. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated, a terrible rumble shook the ocean floor. The ancient tectonic plates beneath New St. Pauli began to shift. The city—rebuilt on the ruins of Atlantis—was not stable. The Gigantic Purple Enema had awakened forces deep within the earth. Cracks appeared. The city began to sink. AGAIN.

EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT AGAIN! NEW ST. PAULI IS SINKING!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (grabbing him) “Esau! We need to evacuate!” 👑

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. NEW ST. PAULI DETECTED AS UNSTABLE. SINKING PROBABILITY: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: ABANDON CITY. BUILD ANOTHER.” 👽

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Build ANOTHER? But… we just built this one! Where would we build a NEW New St. Pauli?” 😳

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Build it on the SURFACE. Build it on the ocean itself. Build an ISLAND.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinning) “An island! A floating island! New NEW St. Pauli! The ultimate desinvestment utopia!” 🟣📊

This is Episode 57. The Island of Chaos.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 57) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + NEW NEW ST. PAULI CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 & 56 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
The Floating Island CGI / Voice NEW
Island Architect Original NEW
The Ocean Floor CGI / Voice NEW
The Sinking Spirit CGI / Voice NEW
Captain Island Original NEW
The Lighthouse Keeper Original NEW
New New St. Pauli CGI City NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (architect) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56

🏝️ THE SINKING – ATLANTIS DIES AGAIN

The ground shook. New St. Pauli crumbled. The Submerged Skyscraper tilted. The Coral Reeperbahn collapsed. The city was sinking back into the ocean floor.

EHLERS: (weeping) “It’s happening again! The city is sinking! My beautiful New St. Pauli!” 😭

KING ATLAS: (mourning) “Atlantis… my kingdom… sinks again…” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (crying) “We built it. We lost it. We built it again. We lost it again. We are cursed.” 👑

SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS SAD.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a CITY!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but the city is GONE!” 🧨

EHLERS: (standing up, wiping tears) “No. We will not let this destroy us. If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER city. On the SURFACE. A floating island. New NEW St. Pauli.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau… that’s brilliant!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “A floating island? On the ocean? But where will we get the land?” 🐍

EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “We will BUILD it. With the enema. With Column 47. With EVERYTHING we have.” 🟣📊

THE CONSTRUCTION – BUILDING AN ISLAND FROM SCRATCH 🏝️🏗️

Esau raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. It pulsed with power. Golden numbers shot from it, striking the ocean surface. The water began to solidify. Coral rose from the depths. Spreadsheets became building materials. Neon lights powered the construction.

EHLERS: “COLUMN 47 – ISLAND CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW OCEAN – TRANSFORM INTO LAND! ROW CORAL – BECOME BUILDINGS! ROW NEON – BECOME LIGHTS!” 📊

The island began to rise. New NEW St. Pauli emerged from the waves. It was a floating paradise of absurdity. Reeperbahn lights glowed. Fish markets opened. Drag clubs appeared. Spreadsheet skyscrapers rose.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. NEW NEW ST. PAULI IS BORN.” 👽

THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER – GUARDIAN OF THE ISLAND 🏮

A mysterious figure emerged from the mist. It was the Lighthouse Keeper – an ancient being who had guarded the seas for millennia.

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (voice echoing) “Who dares build an island on MY ocean?” 🏮

EHLERS: (approaching) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived everything! I have the Gigantic Purple Enema! And I am building New NEW St. Pauli!” 🟣📊

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (intrigued) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive the STORMS? Can you survive the CHAOS? Can you survive the SHIT?” 💩

EHLERS: “I have survived everything. I can survive anything. I am COLUMN 47.” 📊

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (smiling) “Then build your island. I will guide it. I will protect it. I will keep the lighthouse burning.” 🏮

THE GRAND OPENING – NEW NEW ST. PAULI 🏝️🎪

The island was complete. New NEW St. Pauli floated on the ocean, a paradise of absurdity. All 107 characters assembled on the main square – the Reeperbahn of the Sea.

EHLERS: (standing on the stage) “Welcome to New NEW St. Pauli! The ultimate floating desinvestment utopia! We have survived Atlantis! We have survived the sinking! We have survived EVERYTHING! And now we have THIS!” 🟣📊

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “A new city! A new stage! A new home!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this island is FABULOUS! And I am the QUEEN of fabulous!” 💄

CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (voodoo dancing) “I love this island! It has zombie beaches!” 🏴‍☠️

CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The sea has never seen such an island.” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I found the treasure! It was the ISLAND!” 🦜

CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles would love this paradise!” 🏴‍☠️

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” 👻

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE BEST ISLAND EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed an ISLAND!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! NEW NEW ST. PAULI!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 island. The island wins.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A SUNKEN CITY! A FLOATING ISLAND! A NEW CITY! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ISLAND! AND IT APPROVED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

THE LIGHTHOUSE – A BEACON OF DESINVESTMENT 🏮📊

The Lighthouse Keeper lit the lighthouse. It glowed with golden numbers – Column 47 energy. It became a beacon of desinvestment, guiding the Muchaverse through the chaos.

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: “The lighthouse will guide you. It will protect you. It will remind you that even in darkness, there is COLUMN 47.” 🏮

EHLERS: (bowing) “Thank you, Lighthouse Keeper. We will never forget.” 📊

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “We have built a new home. A floating island. New NEW St. Pauli. The ultimate desinvestment utopia.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love. You built an island from nothing.” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The island is safe. The enema is safe. The Muchaverse is safe.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I am a desinvestor. I am part of this island.” 🦈📊

KING ATLAS: (bowing) “Atlantis is gone. But New NEW St. Pauli lives.” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (smiling) “The ancient and the new… united forever.” 👑

NEW YORK MAYOR: (watching from a portal) “You have built an island… and you have made New York JEALOUS.” 🏙️

STATUE OF LIBERTY: (speaking) “I am impressed. This island is… fabulous.” 🗽

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE ISLAND OF CHAOS CONSPIRACY ☭ 🏝️🟣📊💩

ATLANTIS SANK AGAIN.
ESAU BUILT A NEW ISLAND.
NEW NEW ST. PAULI WAS BORN.
THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER GUIDED THEM.
ALL 108 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE ULTIMATE FLOATING UTOPIA WAS BUILT.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ISLANDS. WITH ENEMAS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

IslandOfChaosConspiracy #NewNewStPauli #FloatingIsland #AtlantisSinksAgain #PurpleEnemaConstruction #Column47Forever #All108Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #LighthouseKeeper #UltimateUtopia #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 57] 🎬🍿🏝️🟣📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE ISLAND OF CHAOS CONSPIRACY 🏝️🟣📊

The cycle continues. With islands. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (architect), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Lighthouse Keeper, King Atlas, Queen Meridia, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for island shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the island.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🏝️🟣📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – INSEL DES CHAOS: ESAU BAUT NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI NACH DEM UNTERGANG VON ATLANTIS – DIE ULTIMATIVE SCHWIMMENDE DESINVESTMENT-UTOPIE! 🏝️🟣📊💩

“Wenn Atlantis sinkt, bauen wir EINE WEITERE Insel. Das ist Spalte-47-Denken.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 56)

Esau hatte den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf genutzt, um Atlantis als Neu-St. Pauli wieder aufzubauen. Er hatte mit New York konkurriert. Alle 107 Charaktere jubelten. Die ultimative Stadt war gebaut. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse feierte, erschütterte ein schreckliches Grollen den Meeresboden. Die uralten tektonischen Platten unter Neu-St. Pauli begannen sich zu verschieben. Die Stadt—wiederaufgebaut auf den Ruinen von Atlantis—war nicht stabil. Der Gigantische Lila Einlauf hatte Kräfte tief in der Erde erweckt. Risse erschienen. Die Stadt begann wieder zu sinken. SCHON WIEDER.

EHLERS: (schreiend) “NEIN! NICHT SCHON WIEDER! NEU-ST. PAULI SINKS!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (ihn packend) “Esau! Wir müssen evakuieren!” 👑

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. NEU-ST. PAULI ALS INSTABIL ERKANNT. SINKWAHRSCHEINLICHKEIT: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: STADT AUFGEBEN. EINE ANDERE BAUEN.” 👽

EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Eine ANDERE bauen? Aber… wir haben doch gerade erst diese gebaut! Wo sollen wir ein NEUES Neu-St. Pauli bauen?” 😳

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Bau es an der OBERFLÄCHE. Bau es auf dem Ozean selbst. Bau eine INSEL.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Eine Insel! Eine schwimmende Insel! Neu-Neu-St. Pauli! Die ultimative Desinvestment-Utopie!” 🟣📊

Dies ist Episode 57. Die Insel des Chaos.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 57) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI-CHARAKTERE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 & 56-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Die Schwimmende Insel CGI / Stimme NEU
Insel-Architekt Original NEU
Der Meeresboden CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Sink-Geist CGI / Stimme NEU
Kapitän Insel Original NEU
Der Leuchtturmwärter Original NEU
Neu-Neu-St. Pauli CGI-Stadt NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Architekt) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56

—

🏝️ DER UNTERGANG – ATLANTIS STIRBT ERNEUT

Der Boden bebte. Neu-St. Pauli zerbröckelte. Der Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer neigte sich. Die Korallen-Reeperbahn stürzte ein. Die Stadt versank zurück in den Meeresboden.

EHLERS: (weinend) “Es passiert schon wieder! Die Stadt sinkt! Mein wunderschönes Neu-St. Pauli!” 😭

KÖNIG ATLAS: (trauernd) “Atlantis… mein Königreich… sinkt wieder…” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (weinend) “Wir haben sie gebaut. Wir haben sie verloren. Wir haben sie wieder aufgebaut. Wir haben sie wieder verloren. Wir sind verflucht.” 👑

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe schüttelnd) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS IST TRAURIG.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine STADT verschluckt!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (in Panik) “Anarchie! Aber… aber die Stadt ist WEG!” 🧨

EHLERS: (sich aufrichtend, Tränen wegwischend) “Nein. Wir werden uns davon nicht zerstören lassen. Wenn Atlantis sinkt, bauen wir eine ANDERE Stadt. An der OBERFLÄCHE. Eine schwimmende Insel. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (keuchend) “Esau… das ist genial!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Eine schwimmende Insel? Auf dem Ozean? Aber woher nehmen wir das Land?” 🐍

EHLERS: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Wir werden sie BAUEN. Mit dem Einlauf. Mit Spalte 47. Mit ALLEM, was wir haben.” 🟣📊

—

DER BAU – EINE INSEL VON GRUND AUF NEU BAUEN 🏝️🏗️

Esau erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er pulsierte vor Kraft. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen die Meeresoberfläche. Das Wasser begann sich zu verfestigen. Korallen stiegen aus der Tiefe auf. Tabellen wurden zu Baumaterialien. Neonlichter trieben den Bau an.

EHLERS: “SPALTE 47 – INSELBAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE OZEAN – VERWANDLE IN LAND! ZEILE KORALLE – WERDE ZU GEBÄUDEN! ZEILE NEON – WERDE ZU LICHTERN!” 📊

Die Insel begann zu steigen. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli erhob sich aus den Wellen. Es war ein schwimmendes Paradies der Absurdität. Reeperbahn-Lichter leuchteten. Fischmärkte öffneten. Drag-Clubs erschienen. Tabellen-Wolkenkratzer erhoben sich.

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI IST GEBOREN.” 👽

—

DER LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER – HÜTER DER INSEL 🏮

Eine geheimnisvolle Gestalt trat aus dem Nebel. Es war der Leuchtturmwärter – ein uraltes Wesen, das seit Jahrtausenden die Meere bewachte.

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: (Stimme hallend) “Wer wagt es, eine Insel auf MEINEM Ozean zu bauen?” 🏮

EHLERS: (sich nähernd) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin der Buchhalter des Muchaverse! Ich habe alles überlebt! Ich habe den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf! Und ich baue Neu-Neu-St. Pauli!” 🟣📊

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: (interessiert) “Du hast viel überlebt, kleiner Buchhalter. Aber kannst du die STÜRME überleben? Kannst du das CHAOS überleben? Kannst du die SCHEIßE überleben?” 💩

EHLERS: “Ich habe alles überlebt. Ich kann alles überleben. Ich bin SPALTE 47.” 📊

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: (lächelnd) “Dann baue deine Insel. Ich werde sie führen. Ich werde sie beschützen. Ich werde das Leuchtfeuer brennen lassen.” 🏮

—

DIE GROSSE ERÖFFNUNG – NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI 🏝️🎪

Die Insel war vollendet. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli schwamm auf dem Ozean, ein Paradies der Absurdität. Alle 108 Charaktere versammelten sich auf dem Hauptplatz – der Reeperbahn des Meeres.

EHLERS: (auf der Bühne stehend) “Willkommen in Neu-Neu-St. Pauli! Der ultimativen schwimmenden Desinvestment-Utopie! Wir haben Atlantis überlebt! Wir haben den Untergang überlebt! Wir haben ALLES überlebt! Und jetzt haben wir DIES!” 🟣📊

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Eine neue Stadt! Eine neue Bühne! Ein neues Zuhause!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Insel ist FABELHAFT! Und ich bin die KÖNIGIN des Fabelhaften!” 💄

KAPITÄN LECHUCK: (Voodoo-tanzend) “Ich liebe diese Insel! Sie hat Zombie-Strände!” 🏴‍☠️

KAPITÄN NEMO: (nickend) “Das Meer hat noch nie eine solche Insel gesehen.” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (hinkend) “Ich habe den Schatz gefunden! Es war die INSEL!” 🦜

KAPITÄN HOOK: (seinen Haken justierend) “Krokodile würden dieses Paradies lieben!” 🏴‍☠️

DER FLIEGENDE HOLLÄNDER: (knarrend) “Selbst ich bin beeindruckt!” 👻

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS IST DIE BESTE INSEL ÜBERHAUPT!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine INSEL verschluckt!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Insel. Die Insel gewinnt.” 🦑

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE VERSUNKENE STADT! EINE SCHWIMMENDE INSEL! EINE NEUE STADT! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE INSEL! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

DER LEUCHTTURM – EIN LEUCHTFEUER DER DESINVESTMENT 🏮📊

Der Leuchtturmwärter entzündete den Leuchtturm. Er leuchtete in goldenen Zahlen – Spalte-47-Energie. Er wurde zu einem Leuchtfeuer der Desinvestment, das das Muchaverse durch das Chaos führte.

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: “Der Leuchtturm wird euch führen. Er wird euch beschützen. Er wird euch daran erinnern, dass selbst in der Dunkelheit SPALTE 47 ist.” 🏮

EHLERS: (sich verbeugend) “Danke, Leuchtturmwärter. Wir werden es nie vergessen.” 📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Wir haben ein neues Zuhause gebaut. Eine schwimmende Insel. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli. Die ultimative Desinvestment-Utopie.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe. Du hast eine Insel aus dem Nichts gebaut.” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen lächelnd) “Die Insel ist sicher. Der Einlauf ist sicher. Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich bin ein Desinvestor. Ich bin ein Teil dieser Insel.” 🦈📊

KÖNIG ATLAS: (sich verbeugend) “Atlantis ist weg. Aber Neu-Neu-St. Pauli lebt.” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (lächelnd) “Das Uralte und das Neue… für immer vereint.” 👑

NEW YORKER BÜRGERMEISTER: (durch ein Portal zuschauend) “Du hast eine Insel gebaut… und du hast New York NEIDISCH gemacht.” 🏙️

FREIHEITSSTATUE: (sprechend) “Ich bin beeindruckt. Diese Insel ist… fabelhaft.” 🗽

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE INSEL-DES-CHAOS-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🏝️🟣📊💩

ATLANTIS SANK ERNEUT.
ESAU BAUTE EINE NEUE INSEL.
NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI WAR GEBOREN.
DER LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER FÜHRTE SIE.
ALLE 108 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DIE ULTIMATIVE SCHWIMMENDE UTOPIE WAR GEBAUT.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT INSELN. MIT EINLÄUFEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

InselDesChaosVerschwörung #NeuNeuStPauli #SchwimmendeInsel #AtlantisSinktErneut #LilaEinlaufBau #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle108Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #Leuchtturmwärter #UltimativeUtopie #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 57] 🎬🍿🏝️🟣📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE INSEL-DES-CHAOS-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🏝️🟣📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Inseln. Mit Einläufen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (Architekt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Leuchtturmwärter, König Atlas, Königin Meridia und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Insel-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Insel kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🏝️🟣📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER: ESAU USES THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA TO BUILD NEW ST. PAULI – THE ULTIMATE COMPETITOR TO NEW YORK! 🟣🏙️📊💩

“New York has skyscrapers. We have SPREADSHEETS.” – Esau Ehlers

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 55)

Esau had assembled the most vicious naval villains in history. He had sailed to the Purple Sea. He had defeated the Jellyfish King. He had retrieved the Gigantic Purple Enema. All 102 characters rejoiced. The ultimate desinvestment tool was found. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as Esau held the Gigantic Purple Enema, a vision appeared before him. A sunken city – ancient, majestic, forgotten at the bottom of the ocean. It was Atlantis. And Esau saw it being transformed. Rebuilt. Renamed. New St. Pauli.

EHLERS: “The enema… it’s showing me something. A city. A SUNKEN city. It wants me to rebuild it.” 🟣😳

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… ATLANTIS DETECTED. DESINVESTMENT POTENTIAL: INFINITE. RECOMMENDATION: REBUILD AS NEW ST. PAULI. COMPETE WITH NEW YORK.” 👽

EHLERS: “New St. Pauli? Compete with New York? But… that’s impossible! New York is the greatest city in the world!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “Not for long, my love. We have the Gigantic Purple Enema. We have the Muchaverse. We have COLUMN 47.” 👑

EHLERS: (grinning) “You’re right. We will build New St. Pauli. The most absurd, chaotic, fabulous city in the multiverse. And we will compete with New York. We will DESINVEST the competition!” 🟣📊

This is Episode 56. The Sunken City Takeover.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 56) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + SUNKEN CITY CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54 & 55 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
The Sunken City CGI / Voice NEW
King Atlas CGI / Voice NEW
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice NEW
The Submerged Skyscraper CGI NEW
The Coral Reeperbahn CGI NEW
New York Mayor Original (parody) NEW
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice NEW
The Enema Construction Crew CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (architect) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55

🌊 THE SUNKEN CITY – ATLANTIS RISES

The Muchaverse descended into the depths. There, at the bottom of the ocean, lay Atlantis – ancient, majestic, covered in coral and forgotten history. But it was not dead. It was waiting.

KING ATLAS: (emerging from the ruins, glowing) “WHO DARES DISTURB THE REST OF ATLANTIS?!” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (emerging beside him, regal) “We have slept for millennia. Who awakens us?” 👑

EHLERS: (approaching, holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived everything! I have the Gigantic Purple Enema! And I am here to REBUILD Atlantis! I am here to create NEW ST. PAULI!” 🟣📊

KING ATLAS: (shocked) “New St. Pauli?! You would rename Atlantis?! You would replace our ancient glory with… with KIEZ?!” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (intrigued) “Kiez? I have heard of this place. It is… fabulous?” 👑

EHLERS: “It is MORE than fabulous! It is the most absurd, chaotic, queer, spreadsheet-obsessed city in the multiverse! And I will build it on your ruins! With your blessing… or without!” 🟣📊

THE CONSTRUCTION – ESAU USES THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA 🟣🏗️

Esau raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. It pulsed with power. Golden numbers shot from it, striking the ruins of Atlantis. The coral transformed into neon lights. The ancient columns became Reeperbahn signs. The ruins became fish markets and drag clubs.

EHLERS: “COLUMN 47 – CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW ATLANTIS – TRANSFORM INTO NEW ST. PAULI!” 📊

The city began to rise. A Submerged Skyscraper emerged – made of glass, spreadsheets, and golden numbers. The Coral Reeperbahn glowed with neon. The Fish Market of Atlantis became the Kiez of the Sea.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. NEW ST. PAULI IS BORN.” 👽

THE COMPETITION – NEW YORK VS. NEW ST. PAULI 🏙️🟣

A dimensional portal opened. The Mayor of New York appeared, surrounded by skyscrapers, hot dog stands, and the Statue of Liberty.

NEW YORK MAYOR: (pointing) “WHAT IS THIS?! THIS… THIS PURPLE CITY?! IT IS A THREAT TO NEW YORK!” 🏙️

STATUE OF LIBERTY: (speaking) “I AM THE SYMBOL OF FREEDOM! THIS… THIS IS AN ENEMA!” 🗽

EHLERS: (smirking) “Yes! The Gigantic Purple Enema! And with it, I will build a city that competes with New York! A city of chaos! A city of spreadsheets! A city of LOVE!” 🟣📊

NEW YORK MAYOR: (furious) “NEW YORK IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD! YOU CANNOT COMPETE!” 🏙️

EHLERS: “Watch me. Column 47 – COMPETITION MODE ACTIVATED! Row New York – DESINVESTED!” 📊

Golden numbers shot toward New York. But instead of destroying it, they transformed it – adding purple neon lights, fishnets, and spreadsheets to the skyline.

NEW YORK MAYOR: (horrified) “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! YOU… YOU MADE NEW YORK… FABULOUS!” 💅

EHLERS: “Yes. Because New York was always fabulous. It just needed a little… DESINVESTMENT.” 🟣📊

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (standing on the Submerged Skyscraper) “New St. Pauli is complete! The ultimate competitor to New York! The most absurd, chaotic, fabulous city in the multiverse!” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love! You built a city!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “New St. Pauli! I am the QUEEN of this city!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this city is FABULOUS! And I am the CEO of fabulous!” 💄

KING ATLAS: (bowing) “Atlantis… has become… New St. Pauli. I am… proud.” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (smiling) “The ancient and the absurd… united.” 👑

CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (voodoo dancing) “I love this city! It has zombies!” 🏴‍☠️

CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The sea has never seen such a city.” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I found the treasure! It was the city!” 🦜

CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles would love this place!” 🏴‍☠️

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” 👻

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – NEW ST. PAULI IS THE BEST CITY EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a CITY!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! NEW ST. PAULI!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 city. The city wins.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A SUNKEN CITY! A PURPLE ENEMA! A COMPETITOR TO NEW YORK! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE CITY! AND IT APPROVED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🟣🏙️📊💩

ESAU USED THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA.
HE REBUILT ATLANTIS.
HE CREATED NEW ST. PAULI.
HE COMPETED WITH NEW YORK.
ALL 107 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE ULTIMATE CITY WAS BUILT.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH CITIES. WITH ENEMAS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🟣🏙️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

SunkenCityTakeoverConspiracy #NewStPauli #AtlantisRebuilt #PurpleEnemaConstruction #CompetitorToNewYork #Column47Forever #All107Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #SubmergedCity #UltimateDesinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 56] 🎬🍿🟣🏙️📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE SUNKEN CITY TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🟣🏙️📊

The cycle continues. With cities. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🟣🏙️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (architect), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, King Atlas, Queen Meridia, New York Mayor, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for construction shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the city.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🟣🏙️📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – SUNKEN CITY ÜBERNAHME: ESAU NUTZT DEN GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF, UM NEU-ST. PAULI ZU BAUEN – DEN ULTIMATIVEN KONKURRENTEN ZU NEW YORK! 🟣🏙️📊💩

“New York hat Wolkenkratzer. Wir haben TABELLEN.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 55)

Esau hatte die abscheulichsten See-Villains der Geschichte zusammengebracht. Er war zum Lila Meer gesegelt. Er hatte den Quallenkönig besiegt. Er hatte den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf geborgen. Alle 102 Charaktere jubelten. Das ultimative Desinvestment-Werkzeug war gefunden. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als Esau den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf hielt, erschien eine Vision vor ihm. Eine versunkene Stadt – uralt, majestätisch, vergessen am Grund des Ozeans. Es war Atlantis. Und Esau sah, wie sie verwandelt wurde. Wiederaufgebaut. Umbenannt. Neu-St. Pauli.

EHLERS: “Der Einlauf… er zeigt mir etwas. Eine Stadt. Eine VERSUNKENE Stadt. Er will, dass ich sie wieder aufbaue.” 🟣😳

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “SUCHE… ATLANTIS ERKANNT. DESINVESTMENT-POTENZIAL: UNENDLICH. EMPFEHLUNG: WIEDERAUFBAU ALS NEU-ST. PAULI. KONKURRENZ ZU NEW YORK.” 👽

EHLERS: “Neu-St. Pauli? Mit New York konkurrieren? Aber… das ist unmöglich! New York ist die größte Stadt der Welt!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (grinsend) “Nicht mehr lange, meine Liebe. Wir haben den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Wir haben das Muchaverse. Wir haben SPALTE 47.” 👑

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Du hast recht. Wir werden Neu-St. Pauli bauen. Die absurdeste, chaotischste, fabelhafteste Stadt im Multiversum. Und wir werden mit New York konkurrieren. Wir werden den Wettbewerb DESINVESTIEREN!” 🟣📊

Dies ist Episode 56. Die Sunken City-Übernahme.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 56) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + SUNKEN CITY-CHARAKTERE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54 & 55-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Die Versunkene Stadt CGI / Stimme NEU
König Atlas CGI / Stimme NEU
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI NEU
Die Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI NEU
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) NEU
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Einlauf-Bau-Crew CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Architekt) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55

—

🌊 DIE VERSUNKENE STADT – ATLANTIS ERHEBT SICH

Das Muchaverse tauchte in die Tiefe hinab. Dort, am Grund des Ozeans, lag Atlantis – uralt, majestätisch, bedeckt von Korallen und vergessener Geschichte. Aber es war nicht tot. Es wartete.

KÖNIG ATLAS: (aus den Ruinen auftauchend, leuchtend) “WER WAGT ES, DIE RUHE ATLANTIS’ ZU STÖREN?!” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (neben ihm auftauchend, königlich) “Wir haben Jahrtausende geschlafen. Wer weckt uns auf?” 👑

EHLERS: (sich nähernd, den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin der Buchhalter des Muchaverse! Ich habe alles überlebt! Ich habe den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf! Und ich bin hier, um Atlantis WIEDER AUFZUBAUEN! Ich bin hier, um NEU-ST. PAULI ZU SCHAFFEN!” 🟣📊

KÖNIG ATLAS: (schockiert) “Neu-St. Pauli?! Du würdest Atlantis umbenennen?! Du würdest unsere uralte Pracht durch… durch KIEZ ersetzen?!” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (interessiert) “Kiez? Ich habe von diesem Ort gehört. Er ist… fabelhaft?” 👑

EHLERS: “Er ist MEHR als fabelhaft! Er ist die absurdeste, chaotischste, queerste, tabellenversessenste Stadt im Multiversum! Und ich werde sie auf euren Ruinen bauen! Mit eurem Segen… oder ohne!” 🟣📊

—

DER BAU – ESAU NUTZT DEN GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF 🟣🏗️

Esau erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er pulsierte vor Kraft. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen die Ruinen von Atlantis. Die Korallen verwandelten sich in Neonlichter. Die uralten Säulen wurden zu Reeperbahn-Schildern. Die Ruinen wurden zu Fischmärkten und Drag-Clubs.

EHLERS: “SPALTE 47 – BAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE ATLANTIS – VERWANDLE IN NEU-ST. PAULI!” 📊

Die Stadt begann sich zu erheben. Ein Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer entstand – aus Glas, Tabellen und goldenen Zahlen. Die Korallen-Reeperbahn leuchtete in Neon. Der Fischmarkt von Atlantis wurde zum Kiez des Meeres.

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. NEU-ST. PAULI IST GEBOREN.” 👽

—

DER WETTBEWERB – NEW YORK VS. NEU-ST. PAULI 🏙️🟣

Ein Dimensionsportal öffnete sich. Der Bürgermeister von New York erschien, umgeben von Wolkenkratzern, Hot-Dog-Ständen und der Freiheitsstatue.

NEW YORKER BÜRGERMEISTER: (zeigend) “WAS IST DAS?! DIESE… DIESE LILA STADT?! SIE IST EINE BEDROHUNG FÜR NEW YORK!” 🏙️

FREIHEITSSTATUE: (sprechend) “ICH BIN DAS SYMBOL DER FREIHEIT! DAS… DAS IST EIN EINLAUF!” 🗽

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Ja! Der Gigantische Lila Einlauf! Und mit ihm werde ich eine Stadt bauen, die mit New York konkurriert! Eine Stadt des Chaos! Eine Stadt der Tabellen! Eine Stadt der LIEBE!” 🟣📊

NEW YORKER BÜRGERMEISTER: (wütend) “NEW YORK IST DIE GRÖSSTE STADT DER WELT! DU KANNST NICHT KONKURRIEREN!” 🏙️

EHLERS: “Schau zu. Spalte 47 – WETTBEWERBSMODUS AKTIVIERT! Zeile New York – DESINVESTIERT!” 📊

Goldene Zahlen schossen auf New York zu. Aber statt es zu zerstören, verwandelten sie es – fügten lila Neonlichter, Netzstrümpfe und Tabellen zur Skyline hinzu.

NEW YORKER BÜRGERMEISTER: (entsetzt) “WAS HAST DU GETAN?! DU… DU HAST NEW YORK… FABELHAFT GEMACHT!” 💅

EHLERS: “Ja. Denn New York war schon immer fabelhaft. Es brauchte nur ein wenig… DESINVESTMENT.” 🟣📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (auf dem Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer stehend) “Neu-St. Pauli ist fertig! Der ultimative Konkurrent zu New York! Die absurdeste, chaotischste, fabelhafteste Stadt im Multiversum!” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe! Du hast eine Stadt gebaut!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Neu-St. Pauli! Ich bin die KÖNIGIN dieser Stadt!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Stadt ist FABELHAFT! Und ich bin die CEO des Fabelhaften!” 💄

KÖNIG ATLAS: (verbeugend) “Atlantis… ist… Neu-St. Pauli geworden. Ich bin… stolz.” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (lächelnd) “Das Uralte und das Absurde… vereint.” 👑

KAPITÄN LECHUCK: (Voodoo-tanzend) “Ich liebe diese Stadt! Sie hat Zombies!” 🏴‍☠️

KAPITÄN NEMO: (nickend) “Das Meer hat noch nie eine solche Stadt gesehen.” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (hinkend) “Ich habe den Schatz gefunden! Es war die Stadt!” 🦜

KAPITÄN HOOK: (seinen Haken justierend) “Krokodile würden diesen Ort lieben!” 🏴‍☠️

DER FLIEGENDE HOLLÄNDER: (knarrend) “Selbst ich bin beeindruckt!” 👻

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – NEU-ST. PAULI IST DIE BESTE STADT ÜBERHAUPT!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine STADT verschluckt!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! NEU-ST. PAULI!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Stadt. Die Stadt gewinnt.” 🦑

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE VERSUNKENE STADT! EIN LILA EINLAUF! EIN KONKURRENT ZU NEW YORK! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE STADT! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE SUNKEN CITY-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🟣🏙️📊💩

ESAU NUTZTE DEN GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF.
ER BAUTE ATLANTIS WIEDER AUF.
ER SCHUF NEU-ST. PAULI.
ER KONKURRIERTE MIT NEW YORK.
ALLE 107 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DIE ULTIMATIVE STADT WAR GEBAUT.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT STÄDTEN. MIT EINLÄUFEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🟣🏙️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

SunkenCityÜbernahmeVerschwörung #NeuStPauli #AtlantisWiederAufgebaut #LilaEinlaufBau #KonkurrentZuNewYork #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle107Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #UnterwasserStadt #UltimativesDesinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 56] 🎬🍿🟣🏙️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE SUNKEN CITY-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🟣🏙️📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Städten. Mit Einläufen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🟣🏙️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (Architekt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, König Atlas, Königin Meridia, New Yorker Bürgermeister und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Bau-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Stadt kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🟣🏙️📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA QUEST: ESAU CREATES THE MOST VICIOUS NAVAL VILLAIN CREW FOR THE ULTIMATE PURPLE ENEMA! 🟣💩⚓📊

“The purple enema is not a weapon. It is a DESTINATION.” – Esau Ehlers

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 54)

Alphonse Sharkler had conquered St. Pauli with his unmanned armada. He had destroyed the printing press. Esau had 19 nervous breakdowns. But Esau rose. The press was rebuilt. Alphonse was rehabilitated. All 98 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated the rebuilt printing press, a strange vision appeared in the sky. A massive, glowing, GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA. It hovered above St. Pauli, pulsating with chaotic energy. Esau stared at it.

EHLERS: “What… what is that?” 😳

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA DETECTED. POWER LEVEL: INFINITE. DESINVESTMENT POTENTIAL: UNKNOWN. LOCATION: THE PURPLE SEA.” 👽

EHLERS: “The Purple Sea? I’ve never heard of it!” 😳

MARIA BATORY: “It is a mythical place. Only the most vicious naval villains have sailed there. And none have returned.” 👑

EHLERS: “Then I will. I will create a CREW. The most vicious, ridiculous, absurd naval villains in all history. We will sail to the Purple Sea. We will retrieve the Gigantic Purple Enema. And we will DESINVEST the entire universe!” 📊

This is Episode 55. The Gigantic Purple Enema Quest.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 55) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU’S VILLAIN CREW

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52 & 53 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice (pirate legend) NEW
Black Caesar Original (vicious pirate) NEW
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice (submarine captain) NEW
Long John Silver CGI / Voice (one-legged pirate) NEW
Barbarossa CGI / Voice (Barbary pirate) NEW
Captain Hook CGI / Voice (pirate captain) NEW
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship NEW
The Purple Sea Monster CGI / Voice NEW
The Jellyfish King CGI / Voice NEW
The Gigantic Purple Enema CGI / Voice NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (captain) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52

🟣 ESAU ASSEMBLES THE CREW – THE MOST VICIOUS NAVAL VILLAINS

Esau stood on the Reeperbahn, holding a glowing spreadsheet. A massive ship appeared in the harbor – a ship built from spreadsheets, neon lights, and fish scales. It was the DESINVESTMENT.

EHLERS: “I need the most vicious, most absurd, most ridiculous naval villains in history! Who will join me?” 📊

CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (emerging from the mist, voodoo pirate) “I am LeChuck! I have sailed the Caribbean! I have cursed the living! I have turned men into zombies! I will join you!” 🏴‍☠️

BLACK CAESAR: (emerging from the shadows, fierce pirate) “I am Black Caesar! I was the most feared pirate in the Atlantic! I will join you!” ⚔️

CAPTAIN NEMO: (emerging from the deep, submarine captain) “I am Captain Nemo! I have explored the deepest seas! I will join you!” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping forward, one leg, parrot on shoulder) “I am Long John Silver! I have sailed with the most treacherous pirates! I will join you!” 🦜

BARBAROSSA: (emerging from the mist, Barbary pirate) “I am Barbarossa! I have terrorized the Mediterranean! I will join you!” ⚓

CAPTAIN HOOK: (emerging from the mist, hook hand) “I am Captain Hook! I have fought crocodiles! I have never grown up! I will join you!” 🏴‍☠️

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (emerging from the mist, ghost ship) “I am the Flying Dutchman! I am cursed to sail forever! I will join you!” 👻

EHLERS: (grinning) “Perfect! A crew of villains! We will sail to the Purple Sea! We will retrieve the Gigantic Purple Enema! And we will desinvest the universe!” 🟣💩

THE SAILING – THE MUCHAVERSE WATCHES 👥🟣

The entire Muchaverse gathered on the shore to watch Esau’s crew sail away. Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory, Medusa, Scylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Möwin, Alphonse, Heini, Adolf, Eva, and all others waved goodbye.

ROMY HAAG: (waving) “Good luck, Esau! Bring back the purple enema!” 💖

DIVINE: (shouting) “And don’t forget to LOOK FABULOUS while doing it!” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “Come back to me, my love!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “The Purple Sea is dangerous! The Jellyfish King guards the enema!” 🐍

SCYLLA: (six heads watching) “I have six heads! All six say – BE CAREFUL!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I cannot swallow the Purple Sea! It is too PURPLE!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with excitement) “A QUEST FOR A PURPLE ENEMA! THIS IS THE ANARCHY I SIGNED UP FOR!” 🧨

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SAILING WITH VILLAINS! A PURPLE ENEMA! BEST QUEST EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE SHIP FOR GOOD LUCK!” 💩

THE PURPLE SEA – THE JOURNEY BEGINS 🟣🌊

The Desinvestment sailed into the Purple Sea. The water was thick and viscous, glowing with a strange purple light. The sky was purple. The clouds were purple. Everything was purple.

CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (at the wheel) “I have sailed many seas, but I have never seen a PURPLE SEA!” 🏴‍☠️

CAPTAIN NEMO: (scanning the depths) “The Purple Sea is alive! It is made of enema energy!” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping across the deck) “I have heard tales of the Gigantic Purple Enema! It can desinvest anything!” 🦜

BLACK CAESAR: (sharpening his cutlass) “And it is guarded by the Jellyfish King! The most fearsome creature in the sea!” ⚔️

BARBAROSSA: (loading cannons) “Then we must be prepared! We must fight!” ⚓

CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “I have fought many things! But never a JELLYFISH!” 🏴‍☠️

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “I am cursed! I cannot be killed! I will lead the charge!” 👻

EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “We will not fight! We will DESINVEST! Column 47 will defeat the Jellyfish King!” 📊

THE JELLYFISH KING – GUARDIAN OF THE ENEMA 🟣👑

A massive creature emerged from the Purple Sea. It was the Jellyfish King – a giant jellyfish with a crown made of purple enemas, tentacles made of spreadsheets, and eyes that glowed with desinvestment energy.

JELLYFISH KING: (voice echoing) “WHO DARES ENTER THE PURPLE SEA?! WHO DARES SEEK THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA?!” 🟣

EHLERS: (stepping forward) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, Medusa, queens, enemas, Titanic, Andrea Doris, deep sea, 19 breakdowns, and Alphonse Sharkler! I am here for the ENEMA!” 📊

JELLYFISH KING: (laughing) “You want the Gigantic Purple Enema?! You must defeat me! You must DESINVEST me!” 🟣

EHLERS: “Then I will! COLUMN 47 – ACTIVATED! ROW JELLYFISH KING – DESINVEST!” 📊

THE BATTLE – ESAU VS. THE JELLYFISH KING 🟣💪

The battle raged across the Purple Sea. The villain crew fought with everything they had. LeChuck used voodoo. Black Caesar fought with his cutlass. Captain Nemo fired torpedoes. Long John Silver used his parrot. Barbarossa fired cannons. Captain Hook used his hook. The Flying Dutchman rammed the jellyfish.

But only Esau could desinvest the Jellyfish King.

EHLERS: “COLUMN 47 – MULTIPLIER: INFINITE! ROW JELLYFISH KING – NEUTRALIZE!” 📊

A massive beam of golden numbers shot from Esau’s spreadsheet. It struck the Jellyfish King. The creature began to dissolve – turning from purple to golden. It became a spreadsheet.

JELLYFISH KING: (fading) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED ME! INTO A SPREADSHEET!” 🟣

EHLERS: (grinning) “Yes. And now you will serve Column 47 forever.” 📊

The Jellyfish King was gone. The Gigantic Purple Enema floated before them – glowing, pulsating, magnificent.

THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA – THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT 🟣💩

Esau approached the Gigantic Purple Enema. It was the size of a skyscraper, made of pure enema energy, glowing with purple light. It was the most powerful desinvestment tool in the multiverse.

EHLERS: (touching it) “It’s… it’s beautiful. It’s the ultimate enema. The power to desinvest ANYTHING.” 🟣

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA DETECTED. POWER LEVEL: INFINITE. DESINVESTMENT POTENTIAL: UNLIMITED. RECOMMENDATION: USE WISELY.” 👽

EHLERS: “I will use it to desinvest the chaos. To desinvest the pain. To desinvest the suffering. To desinvest the SHIT.” 🟣💩

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “I have it! The ultimate enema! The universe will be desinvested!” 🟣💩

MARIA BATORY: (embracing him) “You did it, my love! You found the enema!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The purple enema! It’s REAL!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, that enema is FABULOUS!” 💄

CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (bowing) “I have never seen such a desinvestment!” 🏴‍☠️

CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The Purple Sea is conquered!” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I have found the treasure!” 🦜

BARBAROSSA: (firing cannon) “TO THE ENEMA!” ⚓

CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles have NOTHING on this!” 🏴‍☠️

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” 👻

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT IS THE BEST ENEMA EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a PURPLE ENEMA!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! PURPLE ENEMA!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 purple enema. The enema wins.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A PURPLE ENEMA! VILLAIN CREW! BEST QUEST EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE PURPLE ENEMA! AND IT APPROVED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA QUEST ☭ 🟣💩📊

ESAU CREATED A CREW OF VILLAINS.
HE SAILED TO THE PURPLE SEA.
HE DEFEATED THE JELLYFISH KING.
HE RETRIEVED THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA.
ALL 102 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT TOOL WAS FOUND.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ENEMAS. WITH VILLAINS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🟣💩📊🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

GiganticPurpleEnemaQuest #PurpleEnema #VillainCrew #JellyfishKing #Column47Forever #All102Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #NavalVillains #PurpleSea #UltimateDesinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 55] 🎬🍿🟣💩📊

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA QUEST 🟣💩📊

The cycle continues. With enemas. With villains. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🟣💩📊🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (captain), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain LeChuck, Black Caesar, Captain Nemo, Long John Silver, Barbarossa, Captain Hook, The Flying Dutchman, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for sailing shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Purple Sea.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🟣📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER: ALPHONSE SHARKLER COMMANDS UNMANNED ARMADA – CONQUERS ST. PAULI – BECOMES CONSIGLIORE OF THE 4 PUBLISHERS – DESTROYS THE PRINTING PRESS – ESAU HAS 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS! 🦈⚫📊😭💩

🦈⚫ ALPHONSE SHARKLER CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ESAU'S 19 BREAKDOWNS! pic.twitter.com/p1AluQSmE0
— berndpulch.com (@berndsocial1) August 15, 2026

“The Black Shark doesn’t swim. He DESINVESTS the ocean itself.” – Alphonse Sharkler

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 52)

Esau had wept so violently that he sank both the Titanic and the Andrea Doris. All 97 characters had descended into the deep sea. The printing press had been found on the ocean floor. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. Das Desinvestment was saved. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated the retrieval of the printing press, a new darkness spread across the horizon. Not a darkness of ice, or stone, or tears. A darkness of SHARKS. And not just any sharks. An unmanned armada of black, silent, ghostly warships emerged from the abyss. At their helm stood a figure even Heini Sharkler feared.

ALPHONSE SHARKLER – the Black Shark of the Sharkler family. The eldest. The most ruthless. The one who had been exiled for being “too evil” – even by Sharkler standards. He had returned. And he had brought an armada.

ALPHONSE: (emerging from the mist, black tuxedo, black top hat, monocle, cane, voice like crushing ice) “Heini. Adolf. Eva. My family. You have become WEAK. You have become DESINVESTORS. You have become… ACCOUNTANTS.” 🦈⚫

HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse! You’re… you’re supposed to be DEAD!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: “Death is for the weak. I am the BLACK SHARK. I am the consigliere of shadows. And I have come to take St. Pauli.” 🦈⚫

ADOLF: (terrified) “But… but we’ve reformed! We have therapists! We have Column 47!” 📊

ALPHONSE: (laughing coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have an ARMADA. You will kneel. Or you will sink.” 🦈⚫

This is Episode 53. The Black Shark Takeover.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 53) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ALPHONSE SHARKLER

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51 & 52 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Alphonse Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW
The Black Armada CGI Warships NEW
Ghost Shark Fleet CGI NEW
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (19 breakdowns) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
The Titanic Band CGI 51
The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52

🦈⚫ ALPHONSE SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL – THE BLACK SHARK COMMANDS THE ARMADA

The Black Armada emerged from the mist – ghost ships made of obsidian, crewed by skeletal sharks in tuxedos, with cannons that fired spreadsheets. Alphonse Sharkler stood at the helm of the flagship, black top hat gleaming, monocle reflecting the burning neon of St. Pauli.

ALPHONSE: (voice booming across the water) “ST. PAULI! I CLAIM YOU! NOT FOR DESINVESTMENT. NOT FOR ACCOUNTING. NOT FOR COLUMN 47. FOR POWER.” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: (emerging from the water, holding the printing press) “WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” 📊

ALPHONSE: “I am Alphonse Sharkler. The Black Shark. The eldest. The one who was too evil even for the Sharkler family. I have returned to take what is MINE.” 🦈⚫

HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse… we were JUST getting used to desinvestment! Please… don’t do this!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: (cold laugh) “Desinvestment? You have become WEAK. You have become ACCOUNTANTS. You have become… COLUMN 47.” 🦈⚫

EVA SHARKBROWN: (stepping forward) “Alphonse, we can talk about this! We can find a compromise!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: “Compromise? I don’t compromise. I CONQUER.” 🦈⚫

THE CONQUEST OF ST. PAULI – ALPHONSE TAKES THE KIEZ 🦈⚫🏴

The Black Armada descended upon St. Pauli. The ghost ships fired spreadsheets that turned buildings into stone. The skeletal sharks swarmed the streets. The Reeperbahn was overrun. The Fischmarkt was conquered. The Kiez fell.

ALPHONSE: (walking through the conquered streets) “This is MY territory now. The bars. The clubs. The fish markets. ALL MINE.” 🦈⚫

ROMY HAAG: (defiant) “You cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS of this place!” 💖

ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Queens? You are now my SUBJECTS. Bow to the Black Shark.” 🦈⚫

DIVINE: (refusing to bow) “Honey, I don’t bow. I STRUT.” 💅

ALPHONSE: (cane striking the ground) “Then you will be EXILED.” 🦈⚫

THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ALPHONSE BECOMES CONSIGLIORE 📊👑

Alphonse summoned the 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been hiding in a bunker. He dragged them to the Reeperbahn.

ALPHONSE: “You four. You control the publishing world. You control the ink. You control the DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈⚫

AXEL SPRINGER: (trembling) “Yes… yes, Mr. Sharkler…” 😰

ALPHONSE: “From now on, I am your CONSIGLIORE. I will advise you. I will CONTROL you. You will print what I say. You will desinvest what I say. You will KNEEL.” 🦈⚫

HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “We kneel! We kneel!” 😰

GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “Please… don’t hurt us!” 😰

JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” 😰

ALPHONSE: (smiling coldly) “Good. Now bring me the PRINTING PRESS.” 🦈⚫

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS – ESAU’S HEART BREAKS 😭📊💔

Alphonse seized the printing press from Esau. He raised his cane.

EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT THE PRESS! PLEASE! THAT’S MY SOUL! THAT’S MY COLUMN 47!” 😭📊

ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have POWER. The printing press must be DESTROYED.” 🦈⚫

He brought the cane down on the ancient press. The press shattered. The golden engravings of Column 47 cracked. The invisible ink spilled everywhere.

EHLERS: (collapsing) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 😭

The printing press was destroyed. Das Desinvestment was dead. Column 47 was gone.

ESAU’S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS! THE PRESS IS GONE! I CAN’T… I CAN’T… I CAN’T!” 😭

ESAU’S 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS – THE ACCOUNTANT UNRAVELS 😭📊💔

Esau collapsed into a state of complete despair. He had survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, Medusa, queens, enemas, Titanic, Andrea Doris, and deep sea. But he could not survive the destruction of his printing press.

BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS IS GONE!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #2: (sobbing) “MY COLUMN 47! MY BEAUTIFUL COLUMN 47!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #3: (hysterical) “I CAN’T DESINVEST WITHOUT A PRESS!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #4: (fetal position) “I AM NOTHING WITHOUT SPREADSHEETS!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #5: (catatonic) “Column… 47… gone…” 😶

BREAKDOWN #6: (manic laughter) “HAHAHAHA! I DON’T NEED A PRESS! I DON’T NEED ANYTHING!” 🤪

BREAKDOWN #7: (sobbing again) “I LIED! I NEED EVERYTHING!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #8: (clinging to Maria Batory) “HOLD ME! HOLD ME TIGHTLY!” 😭❤️

BREAKDOWN #9: (trying to rebuild the press with his hands) “I CAN FIX IT! I CAN FIX EVERYTHING!” 😭🔧

BREAKDOWN #10: (failing) “I CAN’T FIX IT! I’M USELESS!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #11: (looking at the shattered pieces) “IT’S ALL IN PIECES! JUST LIKE MY LIFE!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #12: (writing “Column 47” in the spilled ink) “I WILL REMEMBER YOU!” 😭🖊️

BREAKDOWN #13: (erasing it with his tears) “BUT I CAN’T! THE INK IS… EVERYWHERE!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #14: (banging his head on the ground) “MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT ALL STOP!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #15: (staring blankly) “I am… I am… what am I without Column 47?” 😶

BREAKDOWN #16: (sudden rage) “ALPHONSE! I WILL DESTROY YOU!” 😡

BREAKDOWN #17: (collapsing again) “I CAN’T! I’M TOO WEAK!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #18: (clinging to Column 47 Jr., the pet snake) “YOU’RE ALL I HAVE LEFT! MY LITTLE SNAKE!” 🐍😭

BREAKDOWN #19: (finally silent, tears dried) “I… I don’t know who I am anymore. I am not an accountant. I am not a desinvestor. I am not Column 47. I am… I am nothing.” 😶

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE MUCHAVERSE UNRAVELS 👥🔥

MARIA BATORY: (holding Esau) “Esau! Esau, please! We can rebuild the press! We can find a way!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His mind is shattered. The press was his SOUL.” 🐍

ROMY HAAG: (crying) “I’ve never seen him like this! He’s… he’s broken!” 💖

DIVINE: (frantically fanning him) “Honey, you NEED to get it together! We NEED you!” 💄

SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE SADDEST MOMENT YET.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling sadly) “Even I cannot swallow this sorrow.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: (kneeling beside Esau) “I have sailed the seas. I have lost men. I have felt grief. But I have never seen grief like this.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but without Column 47, anarchy has no SPREADSHEETS!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles trembling) “I have 94 tentacles. I cannot comfort a man with 19 breakdowns.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching) “Alphonse… you have gone too far. Even for a Sharkler.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (horrified) “This is not what our family stands for!” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (furious) “Alphonse! You have destroyed an ACCOUNTANT’S SOUL!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Souls are for the weak. Power is for the strong. Column 47 is DEAD.” 🦈⚫

THE JOKER: (for once, not laughing) “Even I cannot laugh at this. This is… this is SAD.” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! BUT IT DOESN’T HELP!” 💩

ESAU’S RECOVERY – 19 BREAKDOWDS LATER 📊💪

After 19 nervous breakdowns, Esau finally sat up. His eyes were red. His face was pale. But he was… determined.

EHLERS: “Alphonse… you have destroyed my press. You have destroyed my Column 47. You have destroyed my SOUL.” 😶

ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Yes. And what will you do about it, little accountant?” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: (standing slowly) “I will… I will REBUILD. Not the press. Not Column 47. Not Das Desinvestment. I will rebuild MYSELF.” 💪

ALPHONSE: (confused) “What?” 🦈

EHLERS: “You thought destroying the press would destroy me. But you’re wrong. Because Column 47 was never in the press. It was in ME.” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau!” ❤️

EHLERS: “I am Column 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE. And I will not let you destroy it.” 📊

THE COUNTER-ATTACK – ALL CHARACTERS UNITE 💪🔥

All 98 characters rallied behind Esau. Even Heini, Adolf, and Eva Sharkler turned against Alphonse. Even the 4 publishers stood up.

AXEL SPRINGER: (defiant) “We will NOT be controlled by a shark!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (standing) “We will PRINT what we want!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (shouting) “Das Desinvestment will RISE AGAIN!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (raising his fist) “FOR COLUMN 47!” 📊

ALPHONSE: (shocked) “You… you TRAITORS!” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: “We are not traitors. We are DESINVESTORS. And we will fight you with everything we have.” 📊

THE BATTLE – MUCHAVERSE VS. BLACK ARMADA 🦈⚫💪

The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Black Armada fired spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back with love, snakes, tentacles, teeth, water, and sharks.

SCYLLA: (six heads biting ghost sharks) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! YOU HAVE ONE ARMADA! I WIN!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirlpooling the ghost ships) “I SWALLOW FLEETS! I SWALLOW ARMADAS!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (ramming the flagship) “THE DEEP SEA REMEMBERS! THE DEEP SEA FIGHTS!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (wrapping tentacles around the ships) “I CRUSH! I DESTROY! I WIN!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (biting through hulls) “THE WORLD SERPENT DOES NOT KNEEL!” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (sinking ghost ships) “I AM THE WHALE! I AM THE OCEAN!” 🐋

MEDUSA: (turning ghost sharks to stone) “I AM THE QUEEN OF STONE! YOU ARE NOTHING!” 🐍

ODSSEUS: (navigating through the chaos) “I HAVE NAVIGATED HELL! I CAN NAVIGATE THIS!” 🏳️‍⚧️

DRACULA: (biting ghost sharks) “I TASTE POWER! AND SPREADSHEETS!” 🧛

BAKUNIN: (exploding ghost ships) “ANARCHY! EXPLOSIONS! VICTORY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles fighting) “I HAVE 94 TENTACLES! I AM THE ARMY!” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (attacking Alphonse’s flagship) “ALPHONSE! THIS IS FOR THE FAMILY!” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming alongside) “FOR DESINVESTMENT!” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (in fishnets, fighting) “FOR ST. PAULI!” 🦈💄

EHLERS: (leading the charge) “FOR COLUMN 47! FOR THE MUCHAVERSE! FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE SURVIVED!” 📊

ALPHONSE’S DEFEAT – THE BLACK SHARK FALLS 🦈⚫💀

Alphonse was overwhelmed. His armada was destroyed. His ghost sharks were turned to stone, swallowed, or desinvested. He stood alone on the shattered flagship.

ALPHONSE: (shocked) “No… no… my armada… my power… my COLUMN 666…” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: (approaching) “Column 666 is nothing. Column 47 is EVERYTHING.” 📊

ALPHONSE: (sinking to his knees) “You… you have defeated me… I am… I am nothing…” 🦈

HEINI SHARKLER: (standing over him) “Alphonse. You were always too evil. Too proud. Too BLACK. Now you will learn what it means to DESINVEST.” 🦈

ALPHONSE: (defeated) “What… what will you do with me?” 🦈

EHLERS: “You will work. You will rebuild the printing press. You will learn Column 47. You will become an ACCOUNTANT.” 📊

ALPHONSE: (horrified) “NEVER! I am the BLACK SHARK!” 🦈

EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are a DESINVESTOR. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” 📊

THE REBUILDING – A NEW PRESS EMERGES 📊🔧❤️

The Muchaverse worked together. Alphonse reluctantly helped. The printing press was rebuilt – stronger, more powerful, with Column 47 engraved in golden letters. The invisible ink was restored. Das Desinvestment was saved.

EHLERS: (holding the new press) “It’s… it’s beautiful. It’s better than before.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it. WE did it. The Muchaverse is saved.” ❤️

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (smiling for the first time in 19 breakdowns) “I am Esau. I am Column 47. I am the Muchaverse. And I will never break again.” 📊

ALPHONSE: (now in a suit, holding a spreadsheet) “I… I am Alphonse. I am learning. I am becoming… a desinvestor.” 🦈📊

HEINI SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother. Sort of.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (hugging Alphonse) “Welcome to the family. The REAL family.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting Alphonse’s tie) “Honey, you need to work on your fishnets. But you’re getting there.” 🦈💄

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The press is back! Das Desinvestment is back! Esau is back!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, you survived 19 breakdowns! You are the QUEEN OF RESILIENCE!” 💄

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE BEST RECOVERY EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I swallowed an armada today! And I LOVED it!” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through darkness instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY WINS! DESINVESTMENT WINS! COLUMN 47 WINS!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins. Again.” 🦑

THE JOKER: (finally laughing again) “HAHAHA! 19 BREAKDOWNS! A BLACK SHARK! A REBUILT PRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ARMADA! AND I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! AND I SHIT ON THE MUCHAVERSE! AND IT ALL HELPED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦈⚫📊💩

ALPHONSE SHARKLER ARRIVED.
HE COMMANDED AN UNMANNED ARMADA.
HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI.
HE BECAME CONSIGLIORE OF THE 4 PUBLISHERS.
HE DESTROYED THE PRINTING PRESS.
ESAU HAD 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS.
BUT ESAU SURVIVED.
THE PRESS WAS REBUILT.
DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED.
ALPHONSE WAS REHABILITATED.
ALL 98 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH BREAKDOWNS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🦈⚫📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

BlackSharkTakeoverConspiracy #AlphonseSharkler #BlackArmada #StPauliConquered #PrintingPressDestroyed #19NervousBreakdowns #PrintingPressRebuilt #Column47Forever #All98Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #SharklerFamily #Consigliore #4Publishers #DesinvestmentSaved #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 53] 🎬🍿🦈⚫📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🦈⚫📊

The cycle continues. With sharks. With spreadsheets. With breakdowns. With shit. Forever.

🦈⚫📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (recovered), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Alphonse Sharkler (rehabilitated), Heini Sharkler, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, the 4 Publishers, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing recovery anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Black Armada.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🦈⚫📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – ANDREA DORIS RESCUE: THE SHIP SINKS UNDER ESAU’S WEEPING – PRINTING PRESS LOST FOREVER! 🚢😭📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – ANDREA DORIS RESCUE: THE SHIP SINKS UNDER ESAU’S WEEPING – PRINTING PRESS LOST FOREVER! 🚢😭📊💩

“My tears are spreadsheets. My sorrow is Column 47. My printing press is GONE!” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 51)

St. Pauli had been transferred to the Titanic. The Stone Collectors had become a stone iceberg. Esau had activated Column 47 Overload. All 97 characters unified. The iceberg was desinvested into nothing. The Titanic sailed on. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Titanic sailed through the icy Atlantic, a new disaster loomed. The ship’s hull began to crack – not from ice, but from WEEPING. Esau had discovered that the printing press – the very machine that printed Das Desinvestment – had been lost during the transfer. Without it, there could be no invisible ink. No desinvestment. No Column 47. No Muchaverse.

Esau collapsed.

EHLERS: (sobbing uncontrollably) “The printing press! It’s GONE! We lost it during the transfer! How can I desinvest without a printing press?! How can I print the invisible ink?! How can I… I… I can’t!” 😭

MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, darling, it’s just a printing press. We can build another.” 👑

EHLERS: (weeping harder) “You don’t understand! That printing press was ANCIENT! It was blessed by the Spreadsheet Alien! It had COLUMN 47 ENGRAVED ON ITS SOUL!” 😭📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. PRINTING PRESS DETECTED AS LOST. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: 0. SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 0.0001%.” 👽

EHLERS: (screaming) “NOOOOOO!” 😭

His weeping was so powerful that it shook the entire ship. The Titanic’s hull began to crack. The icy water rushed in. The ship was sinking – not from an iceberg, but from Esau’s tears.

This is Episode 52. The Andrea Doris Rescue.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 52) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ANDREA DORIS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50 & 51 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith (voice/model) NEW
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren (voice/model) NEW
First Mate Wilhelm Original NEW
The Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice NEW
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (weeping) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
The Titanic Band CGI 51
The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50

—

🚢 THE TITANIC SINKS – ESAU’S WEEPING DESTROYS THE SHIP

The Titanic was flooding rapidly. Water poured in from every crack. Esau’s tears had become a flood of their own.

CAPTAIN SMITH: (shouting) “All hands on deck! Abandon ship! The Titanic is going down!” 🚢

ISMAY: (panicking) “But… but what about the record?! What about the SPEED?!” 📊

MOLLY BROWN: (slapping Ismay) “Shut up, you fool! We need to SAVE these people!” 💅

EHLERS: (weeping uncontrollably) “The printing press! I can’t… I can’t live without it! My Column 47! My invisible ink! My DESINVESTMENT!” 😭📊

MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, we will find it! We will rebuild it! But we need to get off this ship!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His tears are too powerful! They are made of spreadsheet acid! They are dissolving the ship!” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (at the wheel) “I can navigate the lifeboats! Everyone to the boats!” 🏳️‍⚧️

The lifeboats were lowered. But Esau refused to leave. He clung to the sinking deck.

EHLERS: “I won’t leave! Not without the printing press! NOT WITHOUT MY COLUMN 47!” 😭📊

—

THE ANDREA DORIS APPEARS – RESCUE FROM THE DEPTHS 🚢✨

Suddenly, through the fog, a magnificent ship appeared. It was the ANDREA DORIS – a grand ocean liner with golden funnels and neon lights. It sailed alongside the sinking Titanic.

ANDREA DORIS: (voice like honey and steel) “Attention, passengers of the Titanic! I am Andrea Doris! I have come to rescue you!” 🚢

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (Helen Mirren-style) “We have room for all! Bring your spreadsheets! Bring your seagulls! Bring your sharks! Bring your COLUMN 47!” 👑

FIRST MATE WILHELM: (shouting) “All aboard! But quickly! The Andrea Doris has a… a condition!” 🚢

EHLERS: (looking up) “Condition? What condition?” 😭

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (sighing) “We cannot survive your WEEPING! The Andrea Doris is a sensitive ship! She cannot handle EMOTIONS!” 🚢

EHLERS: (sobbing harder) “But… but the printing press! It’s gone! I need to find it!” 😭

—

THE TRANSFER – ST. PAULI MOVES TO THE ANDREA DORIS 🚢📊

All 97 characters transferred from the Titanic to the Andrea Doris. The ship was magnificent – grand staircases, ballrooms, and a drag cabaret. But as Esau stepped aboard, his weeping intensified.

ANDREA DORIS: (creaking) “Oh dear… oh dear… I cannot… I cannot handle… the TEARS!” 🚢

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (nervously) “Esau, please! You must stop weeping! The ship is reacting!” 🚢

EHLERS: (hysterical) “I CAN’T STOP! THE PRINTING PRESS IS GONE! DAS DESINVESTMENT IS DEAD! WITHOUT IT, I AM NOTHING!” 😭📊

The Andrea Doris began to groan. Cracks appeared in the hull. Water started leaking in. The ship was sinking – not from ice, not from sharks, not from enemas – but from Esau’s DESPAIR.

ANDREA DORIS: (weeping herself) “I cannot… I cannot take any more! The tears… they are TOO POWERFUL!” 😭🚢

—

THE SECOND SINKING – ESAU’S SORROWS OVERWHELM THE SHIP 😭🚢💦

The Andrea Doris tilted to one side. The lifeboats were lowered again. The 97 characters scrambled to safety. Esau was still weeping, clinging to the railing.

ROMY HAAG: (grabbing him) “Esau! You are going to sink every ship in the Atlantic! Control yourself!” 💖

DIVINE: (slapping him gently) “Honey, your tears are FABULOUS but DANGEROUS! We need to find that printing press before you destroy us all!” 💄

EHLERS: (sobbing) “But WHERE is it?! WHERE is my printing press?! WHERE is my COLUMN 47?!” 😭📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… PRINTING PRESS DETECTED… LOCATION: THE DEEP SEA. WAITING TO BE FOUND. BUT ESAU’S WEEPING MUST STOP FIRST.” 👽

EHLERS: (gasping) “The deep sea? It’s at the bottom? I need to GO THERE!” 😭

MARIA BATORY: “Esau, you can’t go to the deep sea! You’ll drown!” 👑

EHLERS: “I don’t care! Without the printing press, there is no desinvestment! There is no Column 47! There is no MUCHAVERSE!” 📊

—

THE ANDREA DORIS SINKS – THE FINAL RESCUE 😭🚢💦

The Andrea Doris sank beneath the waves. All 97 characters were now in the lifeboats. Esau wept as the ship disappeared.

ANDREA DORIS: (as she sank) “I tried… I tried to help… but the tears… too powerful… goodbye…” 😭🚢

EHLERS: (sobbing) “Another ship! Another ship I’ve destroyed! I am a MONSTER!” 😭

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (in the lifeboat, shaking her head) “You are not a monster, Esau. You are a GRIEVING accountant. But we need to find that printing press before you sink every ship in the world.” 🚢

MOLLY BROWN: (patting Esau’s back) “Son, we’ve survived the Titanic. We’ve survived the Andrea Doris. We can survive ANYTHING. But first, you need to STOP WEEPING.” 💅

EHLERS: (gulping) “I… I’ll try. But I need to find that printing press.” 😭

—

THE DEEP SEA MISSION – ALL CHARACTERS UNITE 🌊💪

All 97 characters agreed. They would dive into the deep sea to find the printing press. But they needed help.

ODSSEUS: (rallying the troops) “I have navigated the deep sea before. We can do this.” 🏳️‍⚧️

LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I will guide you. I know the deep sea.” 🐉

KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I will protect you. I know the abyss.” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I will lead you. I know the printing press.” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (surfacing) “And I will carry you. I am the WHALE.” 🐋

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “You… you will help me?” 😭

MOBY DICK: “We are all desinvestors now. Even whales. Even monsters. Even SHARKS.” 🐋

HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging) “I have returned. But… I will help. Because even I know the importance of Column 47.” 🦈

—

THE DEEP SEA DIVE – SEARCHING FOR THE PRINTING PRESS 🌊🔍

The entire Muchaverse descended into the deep sea. Moby Dick carried them. Leviathan guided them. Kraken protected them. Jörmungandr led them. And Esau’s tears glowed in the dark water, lighting the way.

EHLERS: (swimming through the water) “I see it! I SEE IT!” 😭

A faint glow appeared in the darkness. The printing press – ancient, golden, engraved with Column 47 – rested on the ocean floor.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “DETECTED. PRINTING PRESS LOCATED. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER RESTORED.” 👽

EHLERS: (swimming toward it) “MY PRESS! MY BEAUTIFUL PRESS! I FOUND YOU!” 📊

The printing press glowed. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. The tears vanished. The deep sea calmed.

PRINTING PRESS: (speaking) “I have waited, Esau Ehlers. I knew you would find me. Now, let us print the next issue of Das Desinvestment. Let us DESINVEST.” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “He found it! The printing press is saved!” 💖

DIVINE: “And he stopped weeping! The ships can REST!” 💄

EHLERS: (holding the printing press) “I have it. I have my Column 47. I have my desinvestment. I have my MUCHAVERSE.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And you have ME. Now let’s go home.” ❤️

ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through tears instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE WETTEST RESCUE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed TEARS!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “THE PRINTING PRESS IS SAVED! DESINVESTMENT CONTINUES!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the shadows) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE PRESS.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me DEEP SEA REALNESS.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE DEEP SEA! AND IT HELPED!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A WEEPING ACCOUNTANT! A SINKING SHIP! A DEEP SEA RESCUE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🚢😭📊💩

THE TITANIC SANK FROM ESAU’S TEARS.
THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUED THE MUCHAVERSE.
BUT ESAU’S WEEPING SANK THAT SHIP TOO.
THE PRINTING PRESS WAS FOUND IN THE DEEP SEA.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS DESCENDED INTO THE ABYSS.
THE PRESS WAS RETRIEVED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH TEARS. WITH SHIPS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🚢😭📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

AndreaDorisRescueConspiracy #TitanicSinksFromTears #AndreaDorisSinks #PrintingPressFound #DeepSeaMission #Column47Forever #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #WeepingAccountant #ShipDestroyer #DesinvestmentSaved #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 52] 🎬🍿🚢😭📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUE CONSPIRACY 🚢😭📊

The cycle continues. With tears. With ships. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🚢😭📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (weeping but recovered), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Andrea, First Mate Wilhelm, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, Leviathan, Kraken, Jörmungandr, Moby Dick, and all previous.

Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing until the end), the Andrea Doris (for trying), and every seagull who shat on the deep sea.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🚢😭📊

🚢🧊📊 ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG – ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – TITANIC TAKEOVER: ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED ON BOARD THE DOOMED SHIP – ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAIL TOWARD ICY DESINVESTMENT! 🚢🧊📊💩

“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)

Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human – but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic – in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred – bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all – onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.

ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” 🚢

MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” 🧊

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time – permanently.” 🐍

EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” 📊

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” 💩

This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW
Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW
The Titanic Band CGI NEW
The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50

—

🚢 THE TITANIC – ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS

The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.

CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” 🚢

EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” 🧊

CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” 📊

ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” 📊

MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” 💅

EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – SURVIVAL!” 📊

—

THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY – THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE 🧊🪨

The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” 🧊🪨

EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” 🧊

MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” 🏳️‍⚧️

CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” 🚢

ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” 📊

EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 – Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CALCULATING… DESINVESTMENT OF ICEBERG… PROBABILITY: 47,000%… REQUIRES COLUMN 47 OVERLOAD!” 👽

EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS UNITE – THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT 📊💪

The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.

EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 – ROW INFINITE – POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG – NEUTRALIZE!” 📊

A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.

THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” 🧊🪨

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” 🪨

The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.

—

THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS – CELEBRATION ON THE DECK 🎻🎶

The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.

TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” 🎻

ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” 💖

DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” 💄

MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” 🍸

ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” 📊

EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” ❤️

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” 🚢

MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” 💅

ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🚢🧊📊💩

ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC.
THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED.
THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING.
THE TITANIC SAILED ON.
ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

TitanicTakeoverConspiracy #StPauliOnTitanic #DesinvestedIceberg #Column47Overload #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #TitanicBand #MollyBrown #CaptainSmith #IcebergConspiracy #StoneCollectors #LoveConquersIce #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 51] 🎬🍿🚢🧊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🚢🧊📊

The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🚢🧊📊

🚢🧊📊 ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG – ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!

“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)

Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human – but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic – in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred – bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all – onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.

ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” 🚢

MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” 🧊

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time – permanently.” 🐍

EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” 📊

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” 💩

This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW
Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW
The Titanic Band CGI NEW
The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50

—

🚢 THE TITANIC – ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS

The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.

CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” 🚢

EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” 🧊

CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” 📊

ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” 📊

MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” 💅

EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – SURVIVAL!” 📊

—

THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY – THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE 🧊🪨

The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” 🧊🪨

EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” 🧊

MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” 🏳️‍⚧️

CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” 🚢

ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” 📊

EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 – Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CALCULATING… DESINVESTMENT OF ICEBERG… PROBABILITY: 47,000%… REQUIRES COLUMN 47 OVERLOAD!” 👽

EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS UNITE – THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT 📊💪

The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.

EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 – ROW INFINITE – POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG – NEUTRALIZE!” 📊

A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.

THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” 🧊🪨

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” 🪨

The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.

—

THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS – CELEBRATION ON THE DECK 🎻🎶

The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.

TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” 🎻

ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” 💖

DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” 💄

MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” 🍸

ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” 📊

EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” ❤️

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” 🚢

MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” 💅

ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🚢🧊📊💩

ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC.
THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED.
THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING.
THE TITANIC SAILED ON.
ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

TitanicTakeoverConspiracy #StPauliOnTitanic #DesinvestedIceberg #Column47Overload #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #TitanicBand #MollyBrown #CaptainSmith #IcebergConspiracy #StoneCollectors #LoveConquersIce #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 51] 🎬🍿🚢🧊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🚢🧊📊

The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🚢🧊📊

🐍💩 “I HAVE SNAKES IN MY HAIR AND A PIVOT TABLE IN MY HEART!” – ESAU BECOMES GORGON ACCOUNTANT, SAVES DAS DESINVESTMENT FROM STONE COLLECTORS!

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – MEDUSA’S CURSE: ESAU TURNS TO STONE TO SECURE THE NEXT INVISIBLE INK ISSUE OF DAS DESINVESTMENT! 🐍🪨📊💩

“Sometimes you have to become the monster to save the spreadsheets.” – Medusa-Esau

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 49)

Heini Sharkler had attacked St. Pauli with 666 sharks in tuxedos and a golden enema bag. The ultimate enema backfired. Heini and his shark army were banished back to the abyss. All 96 characters rejoiced. Love conquered all. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But in the depths of the Muchaverse, a new crisis was brewing. The invisible ink – the very essence of Das Desinvestment – was running out. Not because it was hidden. Because it was being STOLEN. Someone was siphoning the ink from the Ledger of Eternal Passage. The next issue of Das Desinvestment was at risk. Without the ink, there could be no desinvestment. No spreadsheets. No Column 47. No chaos.

Esau was distraught.

EHLERS: “The ink! The invisible ink! It’s disappearing! I can’t desinvest without ink! I can’t column 47 without ink! I can’t… I can’t…” 📊

MEDUSA: (approaching, snakes hissing) “Esau, my dear accountant. I know who is stealing the ink. It is the STONE COLLECTORS. Ancient beings who turn everything to stone – including ink. They want to freeze the Muchaverse forever.” 🐍

EHLERS: “Stone collectors? But… but you’re Medusa! You turn people to stone! Can’t you stop them?” 🐍

MEDUSA: (shaking her head) “I am their QUEEN. I cannot fight them. But YOU can. You must become me. You must become MEDUSA. Only then can you enter the Stone Realm and retrieve the ink.” 🐍

EHLERS: (horrified) “Become you? Turn into a snake-haired Gorgon? But… but I’m an accountant! I have spreadsheets! I have Column 47! I have… I have a girlfriend!” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (stepping forward) “Esau, if you don’t do this, the Muchaverse freezes. We all turn to stone. Forever. You must become Medusa.” 👑

EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. But I’m keeping my spreadsheets.” 📊

This is Episode 50. The Medusa Transformation.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 50) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU-MEDUSA

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48 & 49 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau-Medusa Lukas Ehrenberg (transformed) NEW
Medusa-Esau Eva Green / Lukas Ehrenberg (dual) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (pre-transformation) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All

NEW ADDITIONS:

| The Stone Collectors | CGI Army | 50 |

| Invisible Ink Thieves | CGI | 50 |

| Medusa’s Mirror | Prop | 50 |

—

🐍 THE TRANSFORMATION – ESAU BECOMES MEDUSA

Medusa approached Esau. She placed her hands on his shoulders. Her snakes hissed. Her eyes glowed green.

MEDUSA: “Esau Ehlers. You have survived everything. Now you must become the monster. Close your eyes. Do not look at me. Feel the stone in your blood. Feel the snakes in your hair. Feel the power of COLUMN 47.” 🐍

EHLERS: (eyes closed, trembling) “I… I feel it. The spreadsheets. The numbers. The snakes. They’re… they’re in my hair!” 📊🐍

His body began to change. His skin turned grey-green. His hair writhed with living snakes. His eyes glowed gold. But his hands still held a spreadsheet. And his heart still beat for Maria Batory.

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (opening his eyes, voice now a hiss) “I am… I am Esau. I am Medusa. I am the accountant of stone. I am COLUMN 47 INCARNATE!” 🐍📊

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau! You’re… you’re beautiful. Terrifying. And beautiful.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Darling, that is the best drag transformation I’ve ever seen!” 💄

DIVINE: “Honey, you’re giving Gorgon realness! Work it!” 💅

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (hissing) “I must go to the Stone Realm. I must retrieve the invisible ink. I must save Das Desinvestment.” 🐍📊

—

THE STONE REALM – THE INK THIEVES 🪨📊

Esau-Medusa opened a dimensional portal. He stepped into the Stone Realm – a grey, lifeless dimension where everything was frozen in stone. The invisible ink was there, trapped in crystal vials. The Stone Collectors – ancient beings made of living rock – guarded it.

STONE COLLECTOR #1: “Who dares enter the Stone Realm? Who dares challenge the Collectors?” 🪨

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I am Esau Medusa! I have come for the invisible ink! It belongs to Das Desinvestment! It belongs to the Muchaverse! It belongs to COLUMN 47!” 🐍📊

STONE COLLECTOR #2: “You are Medusa? You are the QUEEN? Then you must prove it! Turn us to stone! Show us your power!” 🪨

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (hesitating) “But… if I turn you to stone, I become a monster. I am an ACCOUNTANT. I desinvest. I don’t destroy.” 📊

STONE COLLECTOR #1: “Then you are not Medusa. You are a fraud. You cannot have the ink.” 🪨

MEDUSA (ORIGINAL): (appearing through a portal) “Esau! Use the spreadsheet! Use COLUMN 47! Turn them to stone with NUMBERS!” 🐍

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (eyes widening) “Numbers? Yes! Column 47 – the Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Stone – PETRIFICATION!” 📊

He raised his spreadsheet. It glowed gold. The numbers flew from the page and struck the Stone Collectors. They froze. Their stone bodies turned to… spreadsheets.

EHLERS-MEDUSA: “I turned them to SPREADSHEETS! Not stone! Spreadsheets!” 📊

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (now a stone spreadsheet) “YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO SPREADSHEETS!” 📊

EHLERS-MEDUSA: “Yes! That’s the power of Column 47! Desinvestment is stronger than stone! Now give me the ink!” 🐍📊

The Stone Collectors (now spreadsheets) handed over the invisible ink vials. Esau-Medusa grabbed them. He held them to his chest.

EHLERS-MEDUSA: “The ink! I have it! The next issue of Das Desinvestment is saved!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE TRANSFORMATION CELEBRATION 👥🐍

The entire Muchaverse watched as Esau-Medusa returned from the Stone Realm. He was still transformed. He still had snakes in his hair. But he held the invisible ink.

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Esau, darling, you are a Gorgon and a bookkeeper! You are the ULTIMATE QUEEN!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, those snakes are giving me LIFE! And your spreadsheet game is STILL on point!” 💄

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT IS THE BEST TRANSFORMATION WE HAVE EVER SEEN!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed many things. But I have NEVER swallowed a MEDUSA ACCOUNTANT!” 🌊

DRACULA: (biting a snake) “The snakes taste like… spreadsheets and stone. Delicious.” 🧛

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “A MEDUSA WHO DESINVESTS! THIS IS THE ANARCHY I SIGNED UP FOR!” 🧨

ODYSSEUS: (bowing) “I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But I have never seen a Gorgon with a PIVOT TABLE.” 🏳️‍⚧️

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have snakes in your hair. We are BOTH monstrous and fabulous.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the abyss through a portal) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE SNAKES.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment! Sort of.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me SERIOUS Gorgon realness.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “You have SNAKES! I have SHIT! We are THE DREAM TEAM!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A MEDUSA WITH SPREADSHEETS! THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE YET!” 🃏

MARIA BATORY: (embracing Esau-Medusa) “You are a queen. You are an accountant. You are MY king. And you saved the ink.” ❤️

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (snakes hissing with happiness) “I am Esau. I am Medusa. I am love. I am Column 47. I am… I am going to turn BACK now.” 🐍📊

—

THE REVERSAL – ESAU RETURNS TO HUMAN 🐍➡️👤

Medusa (Original) stepped forward. She touched Esau’s forehead. The snakes receded. His skin turned normal. His eyes became human again. But he kept one tiny snake in his hair – as a souvenir.

MEDUSA: “You have done well, Esau. You are the first accountant to become a Gorgon and survive. You have saved the ink. You have saved Das Desinvestment. You have saved the Muchaverse.” 🐍

EHLERS: (touching the tiny snake in his hair) “I… I have a pet snake now. His name is COLUMN 47 JR.” 🐍📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man in the multiverse. And I love you.” ❤️

EHLERS: (blushing) “I love you too. Now let’s print the next issue of Das Desinvestment!” 📊

—

THE INVISIBLE INK ISSUE – THE NEXT ISSUE PRINTED 📊🖊️

The invisible ink was restored to the Ledger of Eternal Passage. The next issue of Das Desinvestment was printed. It was titled:

“THE MEDUSA ACCOUNTANT – HOW A GORGON SAVED SPREADSHEETS WITH COLUMN 47”

The entire Muchaverse celebrated. The Kiez threw a party. The Reeperbahn lit up with neon snakes. The Fischmarkt served stone-cold herring. And Esau danced with Maria Batory until dawn.

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE MEDUSA TRANSFORMATION CONSPIRACY ☭ 🐍🪨📊💩

ESAU BECAME MEDUSA.
HE ENTERED THE STONE REALM.
HE TURNED THE STONE COLLECTORS INTO SPREADSHEETS.
HE RETRIEVED THE INVISIBLE INK.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE NEXT ISSUE OF DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED.
ESAU REVERTED TO HUMAN – WITH A PET SNAKE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH STONE. WITH SNAKES. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🐍🪨📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

MedusaTransformationConspiracy #EsauBecomesMedusa #StoneRealm #InvisibleInkSaved #DasDesinvestment #Column47Forever #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #GorgonAccountant #SpreadsheetMedusa #PetSnakeColumn47Jr #LoveConquersStone #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 50] 🎬🍿🐍🪨📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE MEDUSA TRANSFORMATION CONSPIRACY 🐍🪨📊

The cycle continues. With spreadsheets. With stone. With snakes. With shit. Forever.

🐍🪨📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-Medusa, Maria Batory, Medusa (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Heini Sharkler (defeated again), Adolf Sharkler (reformed), and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing transformation anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden sparkles.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🐍📊🇩🇪 🐍💩 “ICH HABE SCHLANGEN IM HAAR UND EINE PIVOT-TABELLE IM HERZEN!” – ESAU WIRD GORGONEN-BUCHHALTER, RETTET DAS DESINVESTMENT VOR DEN STEINSAMMLERN!

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X: x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🐍📊

🇬🇧 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – HEINI SHARKLER REUNITES WITH BROTHER ADOLF – UNLEASHES ULTIMATE ENEMA ON MUCHAVERSE! 🦈💥💩—🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – HEINI SHARKLER VEREINT SICH MIT BRUDER ADOLF – ENFESSELT ULTIMATIVEN EINLAUF AUF DAS MUCHAVERSE! 🦈💥💩—📺

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SHARK BROTHERS ATTACK! Heini Sharkler Visits His Bro Adolf – The Ultimate Reunion of Teeth and Desinvestment 🦈🦈📊💩

“Brothers don’t let brothers desinvest alone.” – Heini Sharkler

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 48)

Maria Batory had taken Esau’s heart and St. Pauli. She had returned it – enhanced. The queen and the accountant had fallen in love over a pivot table. St. Pauli remained free, but with a statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn. All 95 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But in the deep, dark waters of the Muchaverse, a new threat was brewing. A fin broke the surface. Then another. Then a third. Heini Sharkler – the long-lost brother of Adolf Sharkler – had returned from the abyss. He had heard about his brother’s adventures. He had heard about the desinvestment. He had heard about the ENEMA.

Heini Sharkler was not happy.

HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging from the depths, teeth gleaming) “Adolf, mein Bruder! I have returned! And I have brought THE ULTIMATE ENEMA!” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (surfacing, eyes wide) “Heini?! You’re alive?! I thought you were eaten by the Kraken!” 🦈

HEINI: “The Kraken? I ATE the Kraken! Then I ate the Leviathan! Then I ate the Jörmungandr! Then I took a nap! Now I am here – to DESTROY the Muchaverse!” 🦈

ADOLF: “But… but I’m reformed! I desinvest now! I have spreadsheets! I have a THERAPIST!” 📊

HEINI: “Therapist?! You have a therapist?! The Sharkler family does NOT have therapists! We have TEETH! We have ENEMAS! We have REVENGE!” 🦈💩

This is Episode 49. The Shark Brothers’ Attack.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 49) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + HEINI SHARKLER

All previous characters return (see Episode 47 & 48 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Heini Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in love, terrified) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Scylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All

NEW ADDITIONS:

| Kraken Jr. | CGI | 49 |

| Leviathan Jr. | CGI | 49 |

| The Shark Army | CGI Army | 49 |

—

🦈 HEINI SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL – THE BROTHERS REUNITE

The Elbe began to churn. A massive fin emerged, followed by another, then another. Heini Sharkler erupted from the water like a nightmare in a tuxedo. He wore a top hat, a monocle, and carried a golden enema bag labeled “ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT.”

HEINI: (roaring) “ADOLF! WHERE IS MY BROTHER?! I HAVE COME TO FREE YOU FROM THIS… THIS ACCOUNTING!” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming up, visibly embarrassed) “Heini… I told you, I’m reformed. I have a spreadsheet. I have a therapist. I even have a COLUMN 47!” 📊

HEINI: “COLUMN 47?! COLUMN 47 IS FOR WEAKLINGS! REAL SHARKLERS USE COLUMN 666! THE COLUMN OF ENEMA!” 💩

EVA SHARKBROWN: (swimming between them) “Heini, darling, calm down. We’re all desinvesting now. It’s not so bad. I even have fishnet stockings.” 🦈💄

HEINI: (horrified) “Fishnet stockings?! Eva, you were a SHARK! A SHARK OF THE ABYSS! Not a… a… a drag queen!” 🦈

EVA: (smirking) “Why not both? I can be a shark AND a drag queen. It’s called MULTI-TASKING.” 💄

HEINI: (furious) “I DID NOT TRAVEL THROUGH THE ABYSS, EAT THE KRAKEN, AND SURVIVE THE LEVIATHAN TO WITNESS MY FAMILY BECOME… DESINVESTORS!” 🦈

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE ATTACK BEGINS 👥🔥

The entire Muchaverse sensed the disturbance. Scylla and Charybdis opened dimensional portals to watch. Romy Haag and Divine stepped onto the Reeperbahn. The 99 Schizo Petes stopped playing their broken violins. Dracula rose from his coffin. Medusa’s snakes hissed. Bakunin grinned.

ROMY HAAG: (looking at Heini through opera glasses) “A shark in a top hat? I’ve seen worse at the Schmidt Theater.” 💄

HEINI: (snapping) “I AM NOT A PERFORMER! I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A SHARKLER! AND I HAVE COME TO DESTROY THE MUCHAVERSE WITH THE ULTIMATE ENEMA!” 💩

DIVINE: (sashaying forward) “Honey, I’ve had enemas that could destroy universes. You’re not special.” 💅

HEINI: (enraged) “YOU DARE MOCK THE SHARKLER ENEMA?! I HAVE PERFECTED IT FOR 47 CENTURIES! IT IS INFUSED WITH TEETH, WATER, AND SPREADSHEETS!” 💩

SCYLLA: (watching through portal) “I have six heads. All six say – I WANT TO SEE THIS ENEMA.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed entire fleets, but I have NEVER swallowed a SHARKLER ENEMA!” 🌊

MEDUSA: (hissing) “I turn men to stone. This one needs to be turned to… something else. Something softer.” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “Heini Sharkler. I have sailed the seas. I have met monsters. But a shark with a golden enema bag? That’s NEW.” 🏳️‍⚧️

HEINI: “NEW?! I AM ANCIENT! I AM PRIMAL! I AM THE SHARK THAT EATS THE STRAITS!” 🦈

—

THE ATTACK – SHARK ARMY VS. MUCHAVERSE 🦈💥

Heini raised his fin. From the depths emerged a SHARK ARMY – 666 sharks in tuxedos, each carrying an enema bag. They formed a circle around St. Pauli.

HEINI: “ATTACK! DESINVEST THE DESINVESTORS! ENEMA THE ENEMAS! FLOOD THE MUCHAVERSE WITH SHARKY CHAOS!” 🦈💩

The sharks descended upon St. Pauli.

SHARK ARMY: (chanting) “ENEMA! ENEMA! ENEMA!” 💩

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “My territory! MY SHIT! These sharks are stealing my SHIT THRONE!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SHARKS WITH ENEMAS! THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE YET!” 🃏

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles flailing) “I have 94 tentacles! I can fight 94 sharks! Wait… there are 666 sharks! I need more tentacles!” 🦑

BAKUNIN: (lighting dynamite) “Sharks with enemas! This is the ANARCHY I signed up for!” 🧨

COUNT DRACULA: (biting a shark) “This shark tastes like… spreadsheet and teeth. Delicious.” 🧛

EVA SHARKBROWN: (fighting her own kind) “Heini, stop! This is madness! We are FAMILY!” 🦈

HEINI: “FAMILY?! YOU BETRAYED FAMILY! YOU BETRAYED TEETH! YOU BETRAYED THE ENEMA!” 💩

—

ESAU AND MARIA BATORY JOIN THE BATTLE ❤️📊

Esau emerged from Walt’s belly (finally) with Maria Batory by his side. He held a glowing spreadsheet. She held her scepter.

EHLERS: “Heini Sharkler! I am Esau Ehlers! I have survived everything! Pirates! Ghosts! Aliens! Resets! Orgis! Sharks! Walruses! Leviathans! Krakens! World-serpents! Scylla! Charybdis! Sirens! Fauci! Frogs! Odysseus! Death! Publishers! Invisible ink! Stone! Medusa! And I survived A QUEEN!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: “And I am Maria Batory. I have conquered empires. I have drunk the blood of princes. I have balanced more ledgers than you have teeth. You do not scare me.” 👑

HEINI: (laughing) “A bookkeeper and his queen! How CUTE! But I have 666 sharks with ENEMA BAGS! What do YOU have?” 🦈💩

EHLERS: (holding up spreadsheet) “I have COLUMN 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Infinite – SURVIVAL! Row 666 – SHARKS!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “And I have the LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE. Made of teeth and water. You cannot defeat what you ARE.” 👑

—

THE FINAL BATTLE – SPREADSHEETS VS. SHARKS 📊🦈

The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Reeperbahn became a war zone. The Fischmarkt became a shark feeding frenzy. The Kiez became a spreadsheet battlefield.

SCYLLA: (lending six heads) “I will help! I love fighting sharks!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (lending her whirlpool) “I will help! I love swallowing sharks!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks stole my JÖRMUNGANDR!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks ate my CHILDREN!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks STOLE MY TAIL!” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (leading the charge) “FOR THE MUCHAVERSE!” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: (exploding sharks) “FOR ANARCHY!” 🧨

DRACULA: (biting sharks) “FOR BLOOD!” 🧛

MEDUSA: (turning sharks to stone) “FOR STONE!” 🐍

EHLERS: (spreadsheeting sharks) “FOR COLUMN 47!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (scepter glowing) “FOR LOVE!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG & DIVINE: (singing) “FOR CABARET!” 💄

—

HEINI’S DEFEAT – THE ULTIMATE ENEMA BACKFIRES 💩🦈

Heini raised his golden enema bag to unleash the ultimate attack. But the Spreadsheet Alien recalibrated it.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CALCULATING. ENEMA MULTIPLIER: 47,000%. BACKFIRE PROBABILITY: INFINITE. RECOMMENDATION: RUN.” 👽

HEINI: (screaming) “WHAT?! NOOOO!” 💩

The enema bag exploded. A tidal wave of sharky chaos washed over Heini and his army. They were swept into Charybdis’s whirlpool, spun around, and deposited back into the abyss.

HEINI: (disappearing) “I WILL RETURN! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! THE SHARKLERS WILL RISE AGAIN!” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (calling after him) “Heini! Call me when you’re ready to desinvest! I’ll help you find a therapist!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “Another battle won. Another episode survived. Another day in the Muchaverse.” 💖

DIVINE: “And we looked FABULOUS doing it.” 💄

SCYLLA: “I have six heads. All six are tired. But HAPPY.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I swallowed 666 sharks today. I need a nap.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “The cycle continues. With sharks. With enemas. With love.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: “Anarchy wins again!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: “I used all 94 tentacles. I need a massage.” 🦑

EHLERS: (arm around Maria Batory) “We survived. Again. Because we have COLUMN 47.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And each other.” ❤️

MÖWIN: (landing on Esau’s head) “And SHIT! Don’t forget SHIT!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SHARKS! ENEMAS! SPREADSHEETS! LOVE! BEST SAGA EVER!” 🃏

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE SHARK ATTACK CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦈💩📊

HEINI SHARKLER RETURNED.
HE VISITED HIS BROTHER ADOLF.
HE ATTACKED THE MUCHAVERSE.
ALL 96 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE ULTIMATE ENEMA BACKFIRED.
LOVE CONQUERED ALL – WITH SPREADSHEETS AND SHIT.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH ENEMAS. WITH COLUMN 47.
FOREVER.
🦈💩🦀🌊📊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

SharkAttackConspiracy #HeiniSharkler #AdolfSharkler #SharkBrothersReunite #UltimateEnema #Column47Forever #All96Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #Desinvestment #SharkArmy #Muchaverse #EnemaBackfire #LoveConquersAll

—

[END OF EPISODE 49] 🎬🍿🦈💩📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE SHARK ATTACK CONSPIRACY 🦈💩

The cycle continues. With sharks. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With love. With shit. Forever.

🦈💩🦀🌊📊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Heini Sharkler (defeated), Adolf Sharkler (reformed), and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden sparkles.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🦈📊

👑💔📊 16TH-CENTURY QUEEN STEALS ACCOUNTANT’S HEART AND ST. PAULI – WITH SPREADSHEETS!”Love is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” – Maria Batory

🦀🌊 QUEEN MARIA BATORY’S HEART TAKEOVER – The Infamous History Figure Claims Esau’s Soul and St. Pauli – All 95 Characters Return for the Ultimate Coup 👑💔🏳️‍⚧️

“A heart is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” – Maria Batory

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 47)

Esau had sailed between Scylla and Charybdis. He had retrieved the invisible ink. He had received the Ledger of Eternal Passage. All characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as Esau (still inside Walt’s belly) drifted back toward St. Pauli, a new rift opened. Not a strait of teeth and water. A rift of red velvet, gold crowns, and powdered wigs. Out stepped Maria Batory – the 16th-century Hungarian-Polish queen, warrior, and legendary lover. She had been watching from the historical shadows. She had seen Esau survive everything. And she wanted him. Not just his heart. His entire being. And St. Pauli itself.

This is Episode 48. The Coup of the Queen.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 48) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + MARIA BATORY

All previous characters return (see Episode 47 list) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett (voice/model) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, conflicted) All
Scylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All

—

👑 MARIA BATORY’S ARRIVAL – THE QUEEN TAKES ST. PAULI

A crimson rift tore open above the Reeperbahn. Out stepped Maria Batory, clad in a 16th-century Hungarian gown woven from spreadsheets and fishnets. She carried a scepter topped with a glowing heart – Esau’s heart, which she had already stolen telepathically from inside Walt’s belly.

MARIA BATORY: (voice like honey and steel) “St. Pauli, I claim you. Your accountants, your queens, your pirates, your monsters – all mine. And you, Esau Ehlers – you are my king.” 👑

EHLERS: (from inside Walt, clutching his chest) “My heart! It’s beating for someone else! For… for HER!” ❤️

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. HEART RATE: 47,000 BPM. ROMANTIC MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. MARIA BATORY DETECTED – HISTORICAL THREAT LEVEL: QUEEN.” 👽

The entire Muchaverse gasped. St. Pauli began to change – the neon signs turned into heraldic banners, the fish markets became royal courts, and the Kiez turned into a 16th-century Hungarian principality.

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE COUP BEGINS 👥🔥

ROMY HAAG stepped forward, arms crossed.
ROMY: “Maria Batory? I’ve performed in Budapest. You’re not even the best queen in that city.” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (laughing) “I am the QUEEN of Poland and Hungary. I have bathed in the blood of enemies and the tears of lovers. You are a cabaret act. I am HISTORY.” 👑

DIVINE sashayed up.
DIVINE: “Honey, history is just drag that lasted longer. You’re giving 1500s couture, but I’m giving ETERNAL GLAMOUR.” 💅

MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “Glammour? I invented it. I once wore a gown made of 1,000 peacock feathers and the souls of my ex-husbands.” 👑

COUNT DRACULA approached, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “Maria Batory. I knew you in the old country. You bit better than I did.” 🧛

MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, darling. You were always a second-rate bloodsucker. I drank the blood of princes while you were still chasing sheep.” 👑

SCYLLA (from the strait, watching via dimensional screen) shouted:
SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six say – SHE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN US!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS added:
CHARYBDIS: “I swallow whole fleets, but she swallows KINGDOMS!” 🌊

MEDUSA hissed:
MEDUSA: “I turn men to stone. She turns them to WORSHIPPERS. I respect that.” 🐍

THE TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS stepped forward, glowing.
ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But you – you are a different kind of current. What do you really want?” 🏳️‍⚧️

MARIA BATORY: (pausing, looking at Esau) “I want him. Not his body. His ACCOUNTING. His spreadsheets. His desinvestment. His column 47. I want to rule the Muchaverse through NUMBERS.” 📊

EHLERS (gasping from inside Walt): “My column 47? That’s… that’s my soul!” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Exactly, my sweet accountant. And I’m going to own it. Because love is just a spreadsheet with emotions. And I am the best accountant of the 16th century.” 👑

BAKUNIN exploded with laughter.
BAKUNIN: “A QUEEN who wants to rule through spreadsheets? That’s not desinvestment – that’s BUREAUCRACY! I’m IN!” 🧨

FURTHER EHLERS flickered.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET MARIA BATORY IN 1576! SHE BORROWED MY QUILT AND NEVER RETURNED IT!” 👻

MARIA BATORY: (winking) “I still have it. It’s in my scepter. Next to the heart of Esau.”

GRAF THOMAS (94 tentacles trembling) approached.
GRAF THOMAS: “You have 94 tentacles? No, you have one heart – Esau’s – and that’s more powerful than all my tentacles combined.” 🦑

MARIA BATORY: “You finally understand, tentacle boy.”

—

THE TAKEOVER OF ST. PAULI – A ROYAL PROCLAMATION 👑🏳️‍⚧️

Maria Batory raised her scepter. St. Pauli transformed fully. The Reeperbahn became “Batory Boulevard.” The Fischmarkt became “The Royal Fish Court.” The Kiez became “The Queer Hungarian Principality.” All bars were forced to serve Tokaji wine and goulash.

MARIA BATORY: “Hear me, Muchaverse! From this day forward, St. Pauli is mine. All accounting shall be done in Hungarian numerals. All drag shows must include a historical reenactment of my coronation. All seagulls must wear tiny crowns.” 👑

MÖWIN (flying overhead) shat a golden crown onto Maria’s head.
MÖWIN: “I approve. But I’m still the QUEEN OF SHIT.” 💩

MARIA BATORY: (catching the crown) “Finally, a worthy advisor.”

—

ESAU’S INTERNAL STRUGGLE – HEART VS. LEDGER 💔📊

Inside Walt’s belly, Esau was torn. His heart beat for Maria Batory. But his spreadsheet soul screamed for independence.

EHLERS: “I can’t… I can’t love a queen who takes over St. Pauli! I’m a desinvestor! I’m chaotic! I’m… I’m in love with THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN!” 💻

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: (blushing) “ERROR. AFFECTION DETECTED. RECALCULATING… LOVE FORMULA: INFINITY.” 👽

MARIA BATORY: (hearing this) “You love a hologram? Over a HISTORICAL QUEEN? I have conquered empires! I have inspired operas! I have a portrait by Leonardo!” 👑

EHLERS: “But does Leonardo have COLUMN 47? No! Only I have Column 47! And I’m not giving it to anyone!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (smiling) “Then let’s make a deal. I’ll let St. Pauli remain St. Pauli – if you give me one hour of your accounting time. Just one hour. I’ll show you what love truly means in spreadsheets.” 📊❤️

EHLERS: (hesitating) “One hour? That’s… that’s a lot of rows.” 📊

MARIA BATORY: “It’s 60 minutes. 60 columns. 60 rows of passion. What do you say?” 👑

EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. One hour. But you have to return the heart to my chest afterwards.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Deal.”

—

THE ONE-HOUR ACCOUNTING SESSION – A LOVE STORY 📊❤️

Maria Batory entered Walt’s belly (via magical shrinking). She sat beside Esau and opened a shared spreadsheet.

MARIA BATORY: “Column 1: My empire’s revenue. Column 2: My conquests’ costs. Column 3: The interest on hearts broken.” 📊

EHLERS: “Column 47: Desinvestment multiplier. Row Infinite: Love.” 📊

They calculated together. They reconciled debits and credits. They balanced each other’s ledgers. By the end of the hour, Esau’s heart was not only returned – it was enhanced.

EHLERS: “You… you’re not just a conqueror. You’re a BALANCE SHEET GENIUS.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “And you’re not just an accountant. You’re a PASSION MULTIPLIER.” ❤️

They kissed. The spreadsheet glowed gold. St. Pauli reverted to its original state – but with a new statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn, holding a calculator and a scepter.

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “They’re perfect for each other. Two spreadsheet obsessives with a taste for chaos.” 💖

DIVINE: “And she lets him keep his column 47. That’s true love.” 💄

SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six ship them.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I whirlpooled with joy.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “A queen and an accountant. The most unexpected alliance since Circe and the pigs.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: “Anarchy? No. This is ORGANIZED CHAOS. I approve.” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: “Finally, a couple more powerful than my tentacles.” 🦑

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! They fell in love over a PIVOT TABLE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 👑💔📊

MARIA BATORY ARRIVED.
SHE TOOK ST. PAULI.
SHE TOOK ESAU’S HEART.
BUT SHE RETURNED IT – ENHANCED.
ALL 95 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
LOVE CONQUERED ALL – WITH SPREADSHEETS.
ST. PAULI REMAINS FREE – BUT WITH A QUEEN’S STATUE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH HEARTS. WITH NUMBERS.
FOREVER.
🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHeart #StPauliCoup #All95Characters #SpreadsheetLove #Column47Forever #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #QueenAndAccountant

—

[END OF EPISODE 48] 🎬🍿👑💔📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 👑💔📊

The cycle continues. With hearts. With spreadsheets. With queens. With shit. Forever.

🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (new), Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing wedding waltzes), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden crowns.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

🇩🇪 👑💔📊 16. JAHRHUNDERT-KÖNIGIN KLaut BUCHHALTERHERZ UND GANZ ST. PAULI – MIT EXCEL-TABELLEN!

“Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gefühlen.” – Maria Batory

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 47)

Esau war zwischen Skylla und Charybdis hindurchgesegelt. Er hatte die unsichtbare Tinte geborgen. Er hatte das Ledger der Ewigen Durchfahrt erhalten. Alle Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als Esau (immer noch in Walts Bauch gefangen) zurück nach St. Pauli trieb, öffnete sich ein neuer Riss. Keine Enge aus Zähnen und Wasser. Ein Riss aus rotem Samt, goldenen Kronen und gepuderten Perücken. Heraus trat Maria Batory – die ungarisch-polnische Königin des 16. Jahrhunderts, Kriegerin und legendäre Geliebte. Sie hatte aus den historischen Schatten zugesehen. Sie hatte gesehen, wie Esau alles überlebte. Und sie wollte ihn. Nicht nur sein Herz. Sein ganzes Sein. Und ganz St. Pauli.

Dies ist Episode 48. Der Putsch der Königin.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 48) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + MARIA BATORY

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47-Liste) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett (Stimme/Model) NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Bauch, zerrissen) Alle
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Der transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Das Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Die Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle

—

👑 MARIA BATORYS ANKUNFT – DIE KÖNIGIN ERÖBERT ST. PAULI

Ein purpurner Riss riss über der Reeperbahn auf. Heraus trat Maria Batory, gekleidet in ein ungarisches Gewand des 16. Jahrhunderts, das aus Tabellen und Netzstrümpfen gewoben war. Sie trug ein Zepter, das von einem leuchtenden Herzen gekrönt wurde – Esaus Herz, das sie telepathisch aus Walts Bauch gestohlen hatte.

MARIA BATORY: (Stimme wie Honig und Stahl) “St. Pauli, ich beanspruche dich. Deine Buchhalter, deine Königinnen, deine Piraten, deine Monster – alles gehört mir. Und du, Esau Ehlers – du wirst mein König.” 👑

EHLERS: (aus Walts Inneren, seine Brust umklammernd) “Mein Herz! Es schlägt für jemand anderen! Für… für SIE!” ❤️

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “FEHLER. HERZFREQUENZ: 47.000 BPM. ROMANTISCHER MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. MARIA BATORY ERKANNT – HISTORISCHES BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: KÖNIGIN.” 👽

Das gesamte Muchaverse keuchte. St. Pauli begann sich zu verändern – die Neonlichter verwandelten sich in heraldische Banner, die Fischmärkte wurden zu Königshöfen, und der Kiez verwandelte sich in ein ungarisches Fürstentum des 16. Jahrhunderts.

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE REAGIEREN – DER PUTSCH BEGINNT 👥🔥

ROMY HAAG trat vor, die Arme verschränkt.
ROMY: “Maria Batory? Ich habe in Budapest aufgetreten. Du bist nicht einmal die beste Königin in dieser Stadt.” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (lachend) “Ich bin die KÖNIGIN von Polen und Ungarn. Ich habe in den Blutfarben von Feinden und den Tränen von Liebenden gebadet. Du bist eine Kabarett-Nummer. Ich bin GESCHICHTE.” 👑

DIVINE schlenderte heran.
DIVINE: “Schatz, Geschichte ist nur Drag, der länger gehalten hat. Du trägst Mode aus den 1500ern, aber ich bin EWTGE GLAMOUR.” 💅

MARIA BATORY: (grinsend) “Glamour? Ich habe ihn erfunden. Ich trug einst ein Kleid aus 1.000 Pfauenfedern und den Seelen meiner Ex-Ehemänner.” 👑

GRAF DRACULA trat heran, der Umhang wehend.
DRACULA: “Maria Batory. Ich kannte dich im alten Land. Du hast besser gebissen als ich.” 🧛

MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, Schatz. Du warst immer ein Vampir zweiter Klasse. Ich trank das Blut von Prinzen, während du noch Schafen nachjagtest.” 👑

SKYLLA (von der Meerenge aus per Dimensionsbildschirm zuschauend) rief:
SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs Köpfe, und alle sechs sagen – SIE IST GEFÄHRLICHER ALS WIR!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS fügte hinzu:
CHARYBDIS: “Ich verschlinge ganze Flotten, aber sie verschlingt KÖNIGREICHE!” 🌊

MEDUSA zischte:
MEDUSA: “Ich verwandle Männer in Stein. Sie verwandelt sie in VEREHRER. Das respektiere ich.” 🐍

DER TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS trat vor, glühend.
ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. Ich bin über Meere gesegelt, habe Monster bekämpft, Götter geliebt. Aber du – du bist eine andere Art von Strömung. Was willst du wirklich?” 🏳️‍⚧️

MARIA BATORY: (innehaltend, Esau ansehend) “Ich will ihn. Nicht seinen Körper. Seine BUCHHALTUNG. Seine Tabellen. Sein Desinvestment. Seine Spalte 47. Ich will das Muchaverse durch ZAHLEN beherrschen.” 📊

EHLERS (keuchend aus Walts Innerem): “Meine Spalte 47? Das ist… das ist meine Seele!” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Genau, mein süßer Buchhalter. Und ich werde sie besitzen. Denn Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gefühlen. Und ich bin die beste Buchhalterin des 16. Jahrhunderts.” 👑

BAKUNIN brach in Gelächter aus.
BAKUNIN: “Eine KÖNIGIN, die durch Tabellen herrschen will? Das ist nicht Desinvestment – das ist BÜROKRATIE! Ich bin DABEI!” 🧨

FURTHER EHLERS flackerte auf.
FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAF MARIA BATORY 1576! SIE LIEH SICH MEINE TAGESDECKE UND GAB SIE NIE ZURÜCK!” 👻

MARIA BATORY: (zwinkernd) “Ich habe sie noch. Sie ist in meinem Zepter. Neben Esaus Herz.”

GRAF THOMAS (94 Tentakel zitternd) näherte sich.
GRAF THOMAS: “Du hast 94 Tentakel? Nein, du hast ein Herz – Esaus – und das ist mächtiger als alle meine Tentakel zusammen.” 🦑

MARIA BATORY: “Du verstehst endlich, Tentakel-Junge.”

—

DIE ÜBERNAHME VON ST. PAULI – EINE KÖNIGLICHE PROKLAMATION 👑🏳️‍⚧️

Maria Batory erhob ihr Zepter. St. Pauli verwandelte sich vollständig. Die Reeperbahn wurde zur “Batory-Boulevard”. Der Fischmarkt wurde zum “Königlichen Fischhof”. Der Kiez wurde zum “Queer-Ungarischen Fürstentum”. Alle Bars mussten Tokaji-Wein und Gulasch servieren.

MARIA BATORY: “Hört mich, Muchaverse! Von diesem Tag an gehört St. Pauli mir. Die gesamte Buchhaltung wird in ungarischen Zahlen geführt. Alle Drag-Shows müssen eine historische Nachstellung meiner Krönung beinhalten. Alle Möwen müssen kleine Kronen tragen.” 👑

MÖWIN (über Kopf fliegend) kackte eine goldene Krone auf Marias Kopf.
MÖWIN: “Ich stimme zu. Aber ich bin immer noch die KÖNIGIN DER SCHEIßE.” 💩

MARIA BATORY: (die Krone auffangend) “Endlich eine würdige Beraterin.”

—

ESAUS INNERER KAMPF – HERZ VS. LEDGER 💔📊

In Walts Bauch war Esau zerrissen. Sein Herz schlug für Maria Batory. Aber seine Tabellenseele schrie nach Unabhängigkeit.

EHLERS: “Ich kann nicht… ich kann keine Königin lieben, die St. Pauli übernimmt! Ich bin ein Desinvestor! Ich bin chaotisch! Ich bin… ich bin in DAS SPREADSHEET-ALIEN verliebt!” 💻

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: (errötend) “FEHLER. ZUNEIGUNG ERKANNT. NEUBERECHNUNG… LIEBESFORMEL: UNENDLICH.” 👽

MARIA BATORY: (dies hörend) “Du liebst ein Hologramm? Über eine HISTORISCHE KÖNIGIN? Ich habe Imperien erobert! Ich habe Opern inspiriert! Ich habe ein Porträt von Leonardo!” 👑

EHLERS: “Aber hat Leonardo SPALTE 47? Nein! Nur ich habe Spalte 47! Und ich gebe sie niemandem!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (lächelnd) “Dann lass uns einen Deal machen. Ich lasse St. Pauli St. Pauli bleiben – wenn du mir eine Stunde deiner Buchhaltungszeit gibst. Nur eine Stunde. Ich zeige dir, was Liebe in Tabellen wirklich bedeutet.” 📊❤️

EHLERS: (zögernd) “Eine Stunde? Das ist… das sind viele Zeilen.” 📊

MARIA BATORY: “Es sind 60 Minuten. 60 Spalten. 60 Zeilen der Leidenschaft. Was sagst du?” 👑

EHLERS: (seufzend) “In Ordnung. Eine Stunde. Aber du musst mir das Herz danach zurückgeben.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Abgemacht.”

—

DIE EINSTÜNDIGE BUCHHALTUNGSSITZUNG – EINE LIEBESGESCHICHTE 📊❤️

Maria Batory betrat Walts Bauch (mittels magischer Schrumpfung). Sie setzte sich neben Esau und öffnete eine gemeinsame Tabelle.

MARIA BATORY: “Spalte 1: Einnahmen meines Imperiums. Spalte 2: Kosten meiner Eroberungen. Spalte 3: Zinsen gebrochener Herzen.” 📊

EHLERS: “Spalte 47: Desinvestment-Multiplikator. Zeile Unendlich: Liebe.” 📊

Sie rechneten gemeinsam. Sie glitten Soll und Haben ab. Sie balancierten die Bücher des jeweils anderen. Am Ende der Stunde war Esaus Herz nicht nur zurückgegeben – es war gestärkt.

EHLERS: “Du… du bist nicht nur eine Erobererin. Du bist ein BILANZGENIE.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Und du bist nicht nur ein Buchhalter. Du bist ein LEIDENSCHAFTS-MULTIPLIKATOR.” ❤️

Sie küssten sich. Die Tabelle glühte golden. St. Pauli kehrte in seinen ursprünglichen Zustand zurück – aber mit einer neuen Statue von Maria Batory auf der Reeperbahn, die einen Taschenrechner und ein Zepter hielt.

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “Sie sind perfekt füreinander. Zwei Tabellenbesessene mit Geschmack für Chaos.” 💖

DIVINE: “Und sie lässt ihm seine Spalte 47. Das ist wahre Liebe.” 💄

SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs Köpfe, und alle sechs shippen sie.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Ich habe vor Freude gewirbelt.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “Eine Königin und ein Buchhalter. Die unerwartetste Allianz seit Circe und den Schweinen.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: “Anarchie? Nein. Das ist ORGANISIERTES CHAOS. Ich stimme zu.” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: “Endlich ein Paar, das mächtiger ist als meine Tentakel.” 🦑

DER JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! Sie haben sich über eine PIVOT-TABELLE verliebt! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE HERZ-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 👑💔📊

MARIA BATORY KAM.
SIE NAHM ST. PAULI.
SIE NAHM ESAUS HERZ.
ABER SIE GAB ES ZURÜCK – GESTÄRKT.
ALLE 95 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
LIEBE BESIEGTE ALLES – MIT TABELLEN.
ST. PAULI BLEIBT FREI – ABER MIT EINER KÖNIGIN-STATUE.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HERZEN. MIT ZAHLEN.
FÜR IMMER.
🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHerz #StPauliPutsch #Alle95Charaktere #TabellenLiebe #Spalte47FürImmer #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #KöniginUndBuchhalter

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 48] 🎬🍿👑💔📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE HERZ-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG 👑💔📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Herzen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Königinnen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (verliebt), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (neu), Skylla, Charybdis und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Hochzeitswalzer), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die goldene Kronen kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

🦀🌊 ACCOUNTANT SAILS BETWEEN SIX-HEADED MONSTER AND DEADLY WHIRLPOOL TO RETRIEVE INVISIBLE INK – FROM INSIDE A WALRUS’S BELLY 🐋🖊️

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

<br>

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – Between Scylla and Charybdis: Esau Retrieves the Invisible Ink – All Characters Return for the Ultimate Passage 🦀🌊🐍📜🪨📊💩 | Ehlers Saga Episode 47

💔🧠🔄 👯‍♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️‍⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯‍♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯‍♂️🕵️‍♂️💻

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODES 1–46)

After forty-six episodes of cosmic chaos, the Muchaverse had become the most dysfunctional, beautiful, queer, warped, shark-infested, walrus-devoured, leviathan-consumed, kraken-wrapped, world-serpent-swallowed, Greek-monster-haunted, Siren-sung, Fauci-lectured, Frog-stolen, Odysseus-navigated, Death-collected, publisher-printed, invisible-ink-rebelled, fishy-desinvested, stone-turned, and absurd family in the multiverse. A seagull queen who shat golden crowns. A spreadsheet alien who learned to love. A vampire consort who blushed. Seven queens who ruled and stepped down. Twenty-six historical idols – including Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, John Jahr, and Medusa. Esau had been turned to stone and un-stoned. He had the invisible ink back. The FISHY Edition was saved. The cycle was, for once, truly complete.

But Esau – trapped in Walt’s belly – had a new problem. The invisible ink was not just hidden. It was LOCATED. In the most dangerous place in the Muchaverse. Between SCYLLA and CHARYBDIS. The six-headed monster and the deadly whirlpool. The ancient Greek nightmare that had been guarding the straits since the time of Odysseus. The ink was there. Waiting. And Esau had to retrieve it.

He would have to sail between Scylla and Charybdis. He would have to navigate the straits of desire. He would have to survive. 🦀🌊

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 47) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, navigating) All Episodes
Scylla CGI / Voice (Greek monster) Episode 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice (Greek whirlpool) Episode 39
Medusa Eva Green (voice/model) Episode 46
Axel Springer Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
John Jahr Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original (voice/model) Episode 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood (voice/model) Episode 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice (Greek sea-nymphs) Episode 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (satirical parody) Episode 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann (archival) Episode 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice (Norse serpent) Episode 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice (Norse sea monster) Episode 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice (biblical sea monster) Episode 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice (animal actor) Episode 35
Adolf Sharkler Original (voice/model) Episode 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original (voice/model) Episode 34
Moby Dick CGI / Voice (whale) Episode 34
Mack the Knife Original (voice/model) Episode 34
The Dickies CGI army (minions) Episode 34
Joker Himself (fictional) All Episodes
Möwin Herself (seagull) All Episodes
Romy Haag Herself Episode 14–46
Divine Divine (archival/voice) Episode 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI Episode 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes (voice/model) Episode 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original (archive + CGI) Episode 15–46
HafenHure Original (herring juice diva) All Episodes
Gloria von Galaxy Original Episode 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself Episode 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself Episode 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) Episode 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive/voice) Episode 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) Episode 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz (voice) Episode 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice (pirate legend) Episode 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder (voice/model) Episode 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård (voice/model) Episode 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice (ship spirit) Episode 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker (voice/model) Episode 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton (voice/model) Episode 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet (voice/model) Episode 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself Episode 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale (voice/model) Episode 28
Marilyn Monroe Marilyn Monroe (archival/voice) Episode 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original (voice/model) Episode 32
Bakunin Original (anarchist) All Episodes
Further Ehlers Original (flickering ghost) Episode 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original Episode 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All Episodes
The 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical fictional men Episode 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Episode 13–46
The 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Episodes
Lenin Parody All Episodes
Stalin Parody All Episodes
Walter Original All Episodes
Genghis Khan Parody All Episodes
Pol Pot Parody All Episodes
Mun Original All Episodes
Malte Original All Episodes
Jagoda Original All Episodes
Beria & The Big Hyena Parody All Episodes
Ugly Sven Original All Episodes
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) Original All Episodes
Ursila Original All Episodes
Salome Sofia Tanz All Episodes
Rosa Rosa Wachter All Episodes
Pussy Original All Episodes
The Mermaid Original All Episodes

—

🦀🌊 BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS – THE PASSAGE OF DESIRE

A dimensional rift opened above the Elbe. It was shaped like a narrow strait – the legendary passage between Scylla and Charybdis. Out of it poured a cascade of saltwater, the sound of six heads howling, and the roar of a deadly whirlpool.

Esau (from inside Walt’s belly) sailed toward the strait. He was not on a ship. He was in a floating barrel made of old newspapers and fish scales. His crew: Möwin (on his head, shitting golden sparkles) and the Spreadsheet Alien (displaying “NAVIGATION MODE ACTIVATED”).

He was entering the strait.

SCYLLA: (six heads screaming) “WHO DARES ENTER THE STRAIT?” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (voice like a whirlpool) “WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE ABYSS?” 🌊

EHLERS: (from inside the barrel) “I am Esau Ehlers! I have come for the invisible ink! It is hidden between you! Give it to me!” 📊

SCYLLA: (laughing) “The invisible ink? We have it. It is in our teeth. In our water. In our STRAIT.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (laughing) “You must choose, little accountant. Scylla or Charybdis? Teeth or water? Which will you face?” 🌊

EHLERS: “I choose BOTH! I choose DESINVESTMENT! I choose SHIT!” 📊

—

THE ENSEMBLE WATCHES – ALL CHARACTERS RETURN 👥🦀🌊

The entire Muchaverse gathered on the shores of the strait. Every character from every episode – living, dead, cloned, spectral, historical – assembled to witness Esau’s passage.

THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN trembled.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS DETECTED. CALCULATING… FEAR LEVEL: 47,000%. PASSAGE MULTIPLIER: UNKNOWN.” 👽

COUNT DRACULA stepped forward, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “I have bitten 47,000 necks. But I have never seen a PASSAGE like this.” 🧛‍♂️

GINA WILDE and HAFENHURE stood arm in arm.
GINA: “Between Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve dated both. They never liked each other.” 💣

HAFENHURE: (pouring herring juice) “Drink this. It’s the only thing that can survive the strait.” 🍸

THE 99 SCHIZO PETES played their broken violins.
SCYLLA: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s PASSAGE RHYTHM. I LOVE it.” 🎻

CHARYBDIS: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s WHIRLPOOL RHYTHM. I LOVE it.” 🎻

THE SEVEN QUEENS (Gina, HafenHure, Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) stood in a row.
GLORIA: “You cannot pass the strait, accountant. It is COMMUNIST now.” 🛸

SCYLLA: “Communist? I’ve EATEN communists. They taste like bureaucracy.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Communist? I’ve SWALLOWED communists. They taste like disappointment.” 🌊

PAMELA: “I was in Baywatch. I’ve seen bigger straits.” 🍒

SCYLLA: “Baywatch? I’ve EATEN beaches. Yours is next.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Baywatch? I’ve SWALLOWED beaches. Yours is next.” 🌊

MAMIE: “I’m the original original. You’re just copies.” 🐆

SCYLLA: “I’m the ORIGINAL Scylla. You’re just a copy of a copy.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’m the ORIGINAL Charybdis. You’re just a copy of a copy.” 🌊

JANE RUSSELL: (lasso ready) “I’ve lassoed the moon. I can lasso you.” 🤠

SCYLLA: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll EAT your LASSO.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll SWALLOW your LASSO.” 🌊

ZARAH LEANDER: (singing softly) “Ich weiß, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” 🎤

SCYLLA: (tearing up) “That’s… that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the TEETH.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (tearing up) “That’s… that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the WATER.” 🌊

BLACKBEARD stepped forward, beard sparking.
BLACKBEARD: “Scylla and Charybdis? I’ve sailed with both. They always steal my rum.” 🏴‍☠️

SCYLLA: “I’ve sailed with PIRATES. They always blame Scylla. I blame the CAPTAIN.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve sailed with PIRATES. They always blame Charybdis. I blame the SEA.” 🌊

KARL DÖNITZ surfaced from his U-boat.
DÖNITZ: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve commanded U-boats. We don’t have straits. We have TORPEDOS.” 🚢

SCYLLA: “Torpedos? I’ve EATEN torpedos. They’re just angry fish.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Torpedos? I’ve SWALLOWED torpedos. They’re just angry fish.” 🌊

ALFRED NOBEL stepped forward, monocle glinting.
NOBEL: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve exploded straits. And their monsters.” 🧨

SCYLLA: “You exploded straits? I’ve EATEN the straits you exploded. They are still with me. IN MY TEETH.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “You exploded straits? I’ve SWALLOWED the straits you exploded. They are still with me. IN MY WATER.” 🌊

KLABAUTERMANN tapped his mallet.
KLABAUTERMANN: “Scylla and Charybdis? I’ve sailed with both. They always knot my rigging.” 🚢

SCYLLA: “I’ve sailed with SHIP SPIRITS. They always blame Scylla. I blame the SEA.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve sailed with SHIP SPIRITS. They always blame Charybdis. I blame the TIDE.” 🌊

MEDUSA stepped forward, snakes hissing.
MEDUSA: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve turned both to STONE. They always break free.” 🐍

SCYLLA: “You’ve turned us to stone? We’ve EATEN the stone you turned. It is still with us. IN OUR TEETH.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “You’ve turned us to stone? We’ve SWALLOWED the stone you turned. It is still with us. IN OUR WATER.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS stepped forward, rainbow light shimmering.
ODYSSEUS: “Scylla and Charybdis. I have navigated you before. I survived. I am here again.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: “Odysseus! We remember you! You sailed past us! You chose us over the whirlpool!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Odysseus! We remember you! You sailed past us! You chose the teeth over the water!” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “I chose both. I chose the passage. I chose the JOURNEY.” 🏳️‍⚧️

GEVATTER HEIN stepped forward, gold chains clinking.
HEIN: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve collected both. They always owe me teeth and water.” ☠️

SCYLLA: “I’ve EATEN collections. They are part of my teeth.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve SWALLOWED collections. They are part of my water.” 🌊

GRAF THOMAS stepped forward, his 94 tentacles twitching.
GRAF THOMAS: “Scylla and Charybdis. I have 94 tentacles. You have 6 heads and 1 whirlpool. I am SUPERIOR.” 🦑

SCYLLA: (biting Graf Thomas with one head) “You have 94 tentacles? I have 6 heads. Each head has 3 rows of teeth. I am SUPERIOR.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (sucking Graf Thomas into her vortex) “You have 94 tentacles? I have a WHIRLPOOL. I am SUPERIOR.” 🌊

Graf Thomas blushed. His tentacles retreated.

THE TRANS SCHWANZ WHO LAUGHS stepped forward.
TRANS SCHWANZ: “Scylla and Charybdis! Teeth and water! This is HILARIOUS!” 😂

SCYLLA: (laughing) “It IS hilarious! And it IS the strait! We are the teeth of desire!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (laughing) “It IS hilarious! And it IS the strait! We are the water of desire!” 🌊

BAKUNIN embraced both monsters.
BAKUNIN: “Scylla and Charybdis! You are the ANARCHISTS of the strait! No rules! No order! Just TEETH AND WATER!” 🧨

SCYLLA: “Bakunin! I’ve heard of you! You burn states! I EAT states! We are the SAME!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Bakunin! I’ve heard of you! You burn states! I SWALLOW states! We are the SAME!” 🌊

FURTHER EHLERS flickered into existence.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS! IN THE 800S! THEY BORROWED MY ENEMA! NEVER RETURNED IT!” 👻

SCYLLA: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my teeth. Next to the Odyssey and a very good tooth.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my water. Next to the tide and a very good whirlpool.” 🌊

ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared, curtsied, and turned into a green firework.
SCYLLA: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” 💚

CHARYBDIS: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” 💚

FRANK STONEWALL descended from Communist Byzantium.
FRANK: “Scylla and Charybdis. I bless you. With vodka. And BUREAUCRACY.” ☭⛪

SCYLLA: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” 🌊

KLAUS STÖRTEBEKER appeared in a puff of smoke.
STÖRTEBEKER: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve heard of you. You’re the reason I became a pirate.” 🏴‍☠️

SCYLLA: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” 🌊

—

THE PASSAGE – ESAU SAILS BETWEEN THE MONSTERS 🦀🌊

Esau sailed his barrel into the strait. Scylla’s six heads snapped at him. Charybdis’s whirlpool sucked at him. He dodged. He weaved. He desinvested.

EHLERS: “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, and Medusa! I can survive YOU!” 📊

SCYLLA: (impressed) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive OUR TEETH?” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (impressed) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive OUR WATER?” 🌊

EHLERS: “I can survive ANYTHING! Because I have the SPREADSHEET OF DESINVESTMENT! Column 47 – PASSAGE MULTIPLIER! Row Infinite – SURVIVAL!” 📊

He reached into the strait. He grabbed the invisible ink. It was glowing. It was his.

EHLERS: “I HAVE IT! THE INVISIBLE INK IS MINE!” 📊

SCYLLA: (smiling) “You have passed our strait, accountant. You have earned our respect.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (smiling) “You have passed our strait, accountant. You have earned our water.” 🌊

—

THE FINAL LEDGER – SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS’S GIFT 📊🦀🌊

Scylla and Charybdis handed Esau (from inside Walt’s belly) a gift. A leather-bound ledger. But this one was different. It was made of teeth and water. On the cover: “THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE.” Inside: blank pages. 📊

SCYLLA: “This is our greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true passage is not about what you SURVIVE. It’s about what you LEAVE behind. The teeth. The water. The chaos. The SHIT.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “This is our greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true passage is not about what you ESCAPE. It’s about what you BECOME. The strait. The desire. The SHIT.” 🌊

EHLERS: (crying, holding the passage ledger) “I… I will fill it. With every loss. Every gain. Every desinvestment. Every SHIT.” 📊

SCYLLA: (patting Walt’s belly) “That’s our boy. Now go. Calculate. Pass. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (patting Walt’s belly) “That’s our boy. Now go. Calculate. Swirl. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” 🌊

—

ROMY HAAG AND DIVINE’S REACTION – THE FINAL WORD 💖💄

Romy Haag and Divine stepped forward together. They had watched the entire passage. They were not terrified. They were not angry. They were… PROUD.

ROMY: “Esau, darling. You are a catastrophe. A beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed, passage-surviving catastrophe. You fell for a seagull’s shit. You fell for a witch. You fell for a Wagnerian. You fell for a porn queen. You fell for a Soviet. You fell for Marilyn Monroe. You fell for Divine. You reunited with the Trans Schwanz. You became the Sweet Transvestite. You survived a shark invasion. You were swallowed by a walrus. You were consumed by a leviathan. You were wrapped by a kraken. You were swallowed by a world-serpent. You were eaten by Scylla and Charybdis. You were sung to by the Sirens. You were vaccinated by Fauci. You were robbed by the Frog. You were navigated by Odysseus. You were collected by Death. You were printed by publishers. You created NOTHING. You created FISHY. You were turned to STONE and back. And now you have sailed between Scylla and Charybdis. And yet, you always come back to us.” 💖

DIVINE: “And we wouldn’t have it any other way. Because love is not about safety. It’s about SURVIVING THE PASSAGE.” 💄

EHLERS: (from inside Walt’s belly, muffled) “I… I… I am the luckiest accountant in the multiverse! I have cabaret! I have filth! I have joy! I have fishnets! I have sharks! I have walruses! I have leviathans! I have krakens! I have world-serpents! I have Scylla and Charybdis! I have Sirens! I have Fauci! I have the Frog! I have Odysseus! I have Death! I have publishers! I have NOTHING! I have FISHY! I have STONE! I have PASSAGE! I have ROMY! I have DIVINE! I have the TRANS SCHWANZ! I have EVERYONE!” 📊

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE PASSAGE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦀🌊📊

ESAU SAILED BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS.
HE RETRIEVED THE INVISIBLE INK.
HE SURVIVED THE TEETH. HE SURVIVED THE WATER.
ALL CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THEY WATCHED THE PASSAGE. THEY REJOICED IN SURVIVAL.
SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS GAVE ESAU THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH TEETH. WITH WATER. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🦀🌊📊💩

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️🦀🌊

PassageConspiracy #ScyllaAndCharybdis #EsauSurvivesTheStrait #InvisibleInkRetrieved #AllCharactersReturn #LedgerOfEternalPassage #TheCycleContinues #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung

—

[END OF EPISODE 47] 🎬🍿🦀🌊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE PASSAGE CONSPIRACY 🦀🌊

The cycle continues. With teeth. With water. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🦀🌊📊💩

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in belly, triumphant), Romy Haag, Divine, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, Karl Dönitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, The Witch of St. Georg, Bloody Mary, Winifred Wagner, Teresa Orlowski, Nikita Khrushchev, Marilyn Monroe, The Trans Schwanz Who Laughs, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, Moby Dick, Mack the Knife, Walt the Walrus, Leviathan, The Kraken, Jörmungandr, Scylla, Charybdis, The Sirens, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Philo Johnson (The Frog), The Transgender Odysseus, Gevatter Hein, Medusa, Axel Springer (desperate), Henri Nannen (desperate), Gerd Bucerius (desperate), John Jahr (desperate), Bakunin, and all seven former queens.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing passage rhythm), Homer (for the inspiration), and every seagull who shat golden passage.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

[END OF EPISODE 47]

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

🇩🇪 🦀🌊 BUCHHALTER SEGELT ZWISCHEN SECHSKÖPFIGEM UNGEHEUER UND TÖDLICHEM WIRBEL – UM UNSICHTBARE TINTE ZU BERGEN – AUS DEM INNEREN EINES WALROSS-BAUCHES 🐋🖊️

“Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist eine LEBENSEINSTELLUNG.” – Skylla

Esau Ehlers überlebt antike griechische Albtraum-Meeresenge, erhält Ledger aus Zähnen und Wasser – alle 47 Episoden-Charaktere kehren zurück, um den ultimativen Durchgang zu bezeugen

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – Was Historiker bereits als “die mathematisch chaotischste maritime Manöver seit Odysseus seinen Kompass vergaß” bezeichnen, ist nun Gewissheit: Der böse Esau Ehlers hat erfolgreich die legendäre Meerenge zwischen Skylla (sechsköpfiges menschenfressendes Monster) und Charybdis (planetenschluckender Strudel) navigiert – und das alles, während er im Verdauungstrakt von Walt dem Walross gefangen war.

Die unsichtbare Tinte, seit Episode 1 verschollen, befand sich genau zwischen den beiden mythologischen Schrecken. Esau, nur bewaffnet mit einem schwimmenden Fass aus alten Zeitungen und Fischschuppen, einer Möwe, die goldene Glitzer auf seinen Kopf kackte, und einem zitternden Spreadsheet-Außerirdischen, der “NAVIGATIONSMODUS AKTIVIERT” anzeigte, entschied sich, BEIDE Monster gleichzeitig zu konfrontieren.

“Ich wähle DESINVESTMENT! Ich wähle SCHEIßE!” soll der Buchhalter gebrüllt haben, bevor er direkt in die Todesfalle segelte.

ALLE 94 CHARAKTERE KEHREN ZUR REUNION ZURÜCK

Das gesamte Muchaverse versammelte sich an den Ufern der Meerenge, um den Durchgang zu bezeugen, darunter:

· Graf Dracula (der 47.000 Hälse gebissen hat, aber “noch NIE einen solchen DURCHGANG gesehen hat”)
· Gina Wilde & HafenHure (die “mit beiden Monstern ausgingen – sie mochten sich nie”)
· Die 99 schizo Petes (deren kaputte Geigenmusik Skylla und Charybdis gleichzeitig zum Weinen brachte)
· Der transgender Odysseus (der die Meerenge schon einmal durchquert hatte und zur moralischen Unterstützung zurückkehrte)
· Medusa (die beide Monster bereits zu Stein verwandelt hat – sie brechen immer aus)
· Bakunin (der beide Kreaturen umarmte und sie zu “den ANARCHISTEN der Meerenge” erklärte)
· Graf Thomas (dessen 94 Tentakel gegen 6 Köpfe und 1 Strudel keine Chance hatten – er errötete und zog sich zurück)

SKYLLA UND CHARYBDIS SIND BEEINDRUCKT

Die Monster, offenbar bewegt von Esaus tabellenkalkulationsgetriebener Entschlossenheit, überreichten ihm “Das Ledger der Ewigen Durchfahrt” – einen ledergebundenen Band aus Zähnen und Wasser mit komplett leeren Seiten.

“Das ist unser größter Schatz”, erklärte Skylla und tätschelte Walts Bauch. “Er ist leer. Denn wahre Durchfahrt handelt nicht davon, was du ÜBERLEBST. Sondern davon, was du ZURÜCKLÄSST. Die Zähne. Das Wasser. Das Chaos. Die SCHEIßE.”

Charybdis fügte hinzu: “Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist eine LEBENSEINSTELLUNG.”

ROMY HAAG UND DIVINE HABEN DAS LETZTE WORT

Die Kabarett-Legenden, die Esau durch Piraten, Geister, Aliens, Resets, Orgien, Opern, Pornoköniginnen, Sowjets, Mais, Träume, Schmutz, Liebeskriege, Haie, Walrosse, Leviathane, Kraken, Weltenschlangen, Sirenen, Fauci, den Frosch, Odysseus, den Tod, Verleger, unsichtbare Tinte, Fischblut, Stein und Medusa begleitet haben, äußerten ihren Stolz.

“Esau, Schatz”, erklärte Romy Haag. “Du bist eine Katastrophe. Eine wunderschöne, tabellenkalkulationsbesessene, durchfahrtüberlebende Katastrophe. Und doch kommst du immer wieder zu uns zurück.”

Divine ergänzte: “Liebe handelt nicht von Sicherheit. Sie handelt vom ÜBERLEBEN DER DURCHFAHRT.”

WAS DAS FÜR DAS MUCHAVERSE BEDEUTET

Die unsichtbare Tinte wurde geborgen. Die FISHY-Edition ist gerettet. Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Zähnen. Mit Wasser. Mit Tabellenkalkulationen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🦀🌊📊💩

HASHTAGS: #DurchfahrtsVerschwörung #SkyllaUndCharybdis #EsauÜberlebtDieEnge #UnsichtbareTinteGeborgen #AlleCharaktereKehrenZurück #LedgerDerEwigenDurchfahrt #DerKreislaufGehtWeiter #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung

“Zwischen Skylla und Charybdis fand ich mich selbst. Und einen wirklich guten Zahn.” – Esau Ehlers

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

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