💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – MONSTER ALLIANCE: THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS UNITE TO SUPPORT ESAU IN THE PRINTING PRESS WAR AGAINST THE 4 PUBLISHERS! 🐉🌊📊💩

“The publishers have spreadsheets. We have KRAKENS.” – Esau Ehlers

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 57)

Esau had built New New St. Pauli – a floating island of desinvestment utopia. All 108 characters rejoiced. The Lighthouse Keeper guided them. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on the floating island, a dark cloud appeared on the horizon. It was not a storm. It was a PUBLISHING STORM. The 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr – had reclaimed their power. They had formed the INVISIBLE INK PACT. They had declared war on Esau and the Muchaverse. They wanted to control all desinvestment. They wanted to destroy the printing press – FOREVER.

EHLERS: (screaming) “The publishers! They’re back! They’ve formed an alliance against us!” 😱

AXEL SPRINGER: (appearing on a dimensional screen) “Esau Ehlers! You have desinvested enough! It is time for the PUBLISHERS to take control!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “We will destroy your printing press! We will control all invisible ink! We will control the Muchaverse!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “Your Column 47 is nothing compared to our PUBLISHING POWER!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “We have armies. We have lawyers. We have SPREADSHEETS!” 📊

EHLERS: (furious) “You will not destroy my press! You will not control the ink! You will not desinvest the MUCHAVERSE!” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. PUBLISHERS DETECTED. THREAT LEVEL: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: SUMMON THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.” 👽

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Sea monsters? But… but we have Scylla! And Charybdis! And Leviathan! And Kraken! And Jörmungandr! And Moby Dick!” 😳

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “They are not ENOUGH. We need the MOST VICIOUS. We need the ones that even MONSTERS fear.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinning) “Then we will summon them all. We will unite the sea monsters. We will fight the PUBLISHERS.” 🟣📊

This is Episode 58. The Monster Alliance.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 58) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Cthulhu CGI / Voice NEW
Dagon CGI / Voice NEW
The Hydra CGI / Voice NEW
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice NEW
The Great White CGI / Voice NEW
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice NEW
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice NEW
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice NEW
The Monster Council CGI NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (commander) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Axel Springer Original (villain) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (villain) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (villain) 43–46
John Jahr Original (villain) 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56
Floating Island CGI 57
Lighthouse CGI 57

🐉 THE SUMMONING – ESAU CALLS THE MONSTERS

Esau stood on the edge of the floating island. He raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. Golden numbers shot into the sky. A dimensional portal opened above the ocean.

EHLERS: “I SUMMON YOU! THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS! THE ANCIENT ONES! THE ONES EVEN MONSTERS FEAR! I CALL YOU TO THE MUCHAVERSE!” 🟣📊

The ocean churned. The sky darkened. And one by one, the most vicious sea monsters emerged.

CTHULHU: (rising from the depths, massive, winged, tentacled) “WHO DARES SUMMON THE GREAT DREAMER?!” 🐉

DAGON: (rising from the depths, fish-like, ancient) “I AM DAGON! I HAVE SLAIN THOUSANDS! I COME TO FIGHT!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (rising from the depths, multiple heads, hissing) “CUT OFF ONE HEAD! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (rising from the depths, beautiful, terrifying) “I AM THE SIREN QUEEN! I HAVE LURED MILLIONS TO THEIR DEATH! I COME TO SING!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (rising from the depths, massive shark) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I HAVE EATEN FLEETS! I COME TO DEVOUR!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths, biblical, terrifying) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I HAVE CRUSHED WORLDS! I COME TO DESTROY!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (rising from the depths, tentacles everywhere) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I HAVE DRAGGED CITIES TO THE ABYSS! I COME TO WRAP!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (rising from the depths, enormous, coiled) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I HAVE SWALLOWED CONTINENTS! I COME TO CONSUME!” 🐍

THE MONSTER COUNCIL: (speaking in unison) “WE HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, ESAU EHLERS. WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND?” 🐉

EHLERS: (grinning) “THE 4 PUBLISHERS HAVE DECLARED WAR! THEY WANT TO DESTROY THE PRINTING PRESS! THEY WANT TO CONTROL ALL DESINVESTMENT! I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THEM!” 📊

CTHULHU: (roaring) “PUBLISHERS?! I HAVE DESTROYED WORLDS! I CAN DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! I CAN SLAY PUBLISHERS!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN LEGIONS! I CAN EAT PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED NATIONS! I CAN LURE PUBLISHERS!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED FLEETS! I CAN DEVOUR PUBLISHERS!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED CITIES! I CAN CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED KINGDOMS! I CAN DRAG PUBLISHERS!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED EMPIRES! I CAN SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

EHLERS: “THEN FOLLOW ME! WE ATTACK THE PUBLISHERS! WE SAVE THE PRINTING PRESS! WE DESINVEST THE INVISIBLE INK PACT!” 🟣📊

THE PUBLISHERS’ FORTRESS – THE INVISIBLE INK PACT 📊🏰

The publishers had built a fortress in the middle of the ocean – the Invisible Ink Fortress. It was made of spreadsheets, legal documents, and lawyers. It was guarded by an army of accountants.

AXEL SPRINGER: (standing on the fortress walls) “Esau Ehlers! You cannot defeat us! We have THE INVISIBLE INK PACT! We have SPREADSHEET POWER!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (leering) “You are just a bookkeeper! We are PUBLISHERS!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (coldly) “We have the power of the press! We have the power of the ink!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (smirking) “Your Column 47 is NOTHING compared to our INVISIBLE INK ARMY!” 📊

EHLERS: (standing on a coral platform) “You are wrong! I am not just a bookkeeper! I am COLUMN 47! And I have brought reinforcements!” 🟣📊

THE BATTLE – MONSTERS VS. PUBLISHERS 🐉💪

The battle raged across the ocean. The sea monsters attacked the fortress.

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I AM THE GREAT DREAMER! I DREAM OF PUBLISHER DESTRUCTION!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN KINGS! PUBLISHERS ARE JUST PAPER KINGS!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (biting the fortress walls) “CUT OFF ONE PUBLISHER! TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “COME TO ME, PUBLISHERS! LEAVE YOUR SPREADSHEETS BEHIND!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (eating the army of accountants) “I AM THE GREAT WHITE! I EAT ACCOUNTANTS!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing the fortress walls) “I AM THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping the fortress) “I AM THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN! I DRAG PUBLISHERS TO THE ABYSS!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling around the fortress) “I AM THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads biting) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! I EAT SIX PUBLISHERS!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I SWALLOW FORTRESSES! I SWALLOW PUBLISHERS!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (ramming) “I RAM PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I WRAP PUBLISHERS! I CRUSH PUBLISHERS!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (biting) “I BITE PUBLISHERS! I EAT PUBLISHERS!” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (sinking) “I SINK PUBLISHERS! I DESTROY PUBLISHERS!” 🐋

THE PUBLISHERS’ DEFEAT – THE INVISIBLE INK PACT BROKEN 📊💔

The fortress crumbled. The lawyers fled. The accountants surrendered. The 4 publishers were captured.

AXEL SPRINGER: (kneeling) “We… we surrender! We are defeated!” 😰

HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “Please… don’t let the monsters eat us!” 😰

GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” 😰

JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “Column 47 is SUPREME!” 😰

EHLERS: (standing over them) “You have lost. The Invisible Ink Pact is broken. The printing press is safe. Das Desinvestment will continue.” 📊

CTHULHU: (roaring) “SHALL I EAT THEM, ESAU EHLERS?” 🐉

EHLERS: “No. They will work for us. They will LEARN to desinvest. They will become… ACCOUNTANTS.” 📊

SPRINGER: (horrified) “ACCOUNTANTS?! We are PUBLISHERS!” 😰

EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are DESINVESTORS. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” 📊

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (standing on the ruins of the fortress) “The publishers are defeated! The Invisible Ink Pact is broken! Das Desinvestment is saved!” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love! You saved the press!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The Muchaverse is safe.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I helped defeat the publishers. I am a desinvestor.” 🦈📊

CTHULHU: (roaring) “I HAVE ENJOYED THIS! I WILL RETURN! I HAVE PUBLISHER NIGHTMARES!” 🐉

DAGON: (hissing) “I HAVE SLAIN PUBLISHERS! I AM VICTORIOUS!” 🐟

THE HYDRA: (hissing) “I HAVE EATEN PUBLISHERS! I AM SATISFIED!” 🐍

THE SIREN QUEEN: (singing) “I HAVE LURED PUBLISHERS! I AM HAPPY!” 🎤

THE GREAT WHITE: (roaring) “I HAVE DEVOURED ACCOUNTANTS! I AM FULL!” 🦈

THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN: (crushing) “I HAVE CRUSHED PUBLISHERS! I AM TRIUMPHANT!” 🐉

THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN: (wrapping) “I HAVE DRAGGED PUBLISHERS! I AM CONTENT!” 🦑

THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME: (coiling) “I HAVE SWALLOWED PUBLISHERS! I AM SATIATED!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST BATTLE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed a fortress! I have swallowed publishers! I am HAPPY!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS DEFEATED!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have an army of monsters. The monsters win.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! MONSTERS! PUBLISHERS! A FORTRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND THE MONSTERS APPROVED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🐉🌊📊💩

THE 4 PUBLISHERS DECLARED WAR.
ESAU SUMMONED THE MOST VICIOUS SEA MONSTERS.
CTHULHU, DAGON, THE HYDRA, THE SIREN QUEEN, THE GREAT WHITE, THE DEEP SEA LEVIATHAN, THE ABYSSAL KRAKEN, AND THE WORLD SERPENT PRIME ANSWERED THE CALL.
THE FORTRESS WAS DESTROYED.
THE PUBLISHERS WERE DEFEATED.
THE INVISIBLE INK PACT WAS BROKEN.
ALL 116 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH MONSTERS. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

MonsterAllianceConspiracy #SeaMonstersUnite #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenQueen #GreatWhite #DeepSeaLeviathan #AbyssalKraken #WorldSerpentPrime #PrintingPressWar #4PublishersDefeated #InvisibleInkPactBroken #Column47Forever #All116Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #UltimateBattle #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 58] 🎬🍿🐉🌊📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE MONSTER ALLIANCE CONSPIRACY 🐉🌊📊

The cycle continues. With monsters. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (commander), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, The Hydra, The Siren Queen, The Great White, The Deep Sea Leviathan, The Abyssal Kraken, The World Serpent Prime, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the publishers.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
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🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🐉🌊📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – MONSTER-ALLIANZ: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER VEREINEN SICH, UM ESAU IM DRUCKMASCHINEN-KRIEG GEGEN DIE 4 VERLEGER ZU UNTERSTÜTZEN! 🐉🌊📊💩

“Die Verleger haben Tabellen. Wir haben KRAKEN.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 57)

Esau hatte Neu-Neu-St. Pauli gebaut – eine schwimmende Insel der Desinvestment-Utopie. Alle 108 Charaktere jubelten. Der Leuchtturmwärter führte sie. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf der schwimmenden Insel feierte, erschien eine dunkle Wolke am Horizont. Es war kein Sturm. Es war ein VERLAGS-STURM. Die 4 Verleger – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr – hatten ihre Macht zurückerobert. Sie hatten den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT geschlossen. Sie hatten Esau und dem Muchaverse den Krieg erklärt. Sie wollten die gesamte Desinvestment kontrollieren. Sie wollten die Druckmaschine – FÜR IMMER – zerstören.

EHLERS: (schreiend) “Die Verleger! Sie sind zurück! Sie haben ein Bündnis gegen uns geschlossen!” 😱

AXEL SPRINGER: (auf einem Dimensionsbildschirm erscheinend) “Esau Ehlers! Du hast genug desinvestiert! Es ist Zeit für die VERLEGER, die Kontrolle zu übernehmen!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (höhnisch) “Wir werden deine Druckmaschine zerstören! Wir werden die gesamte unsichtbare Tinte kontrollieren! Wir werden das Muchaverse kontrollieren!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Deine Spalte 47 ist nichts im Vergleich zu unserer VERLAGS-MACHT!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Wir haben Armeen. Wir haben Anwälte. Wir haben TABELLEN!” 📊

EHLERS: (wütend) “Ihr werdet meine Presse nicht zerstören! Ihr werdet die Tinte nicht kontrollieren! Ihr werdet das MUCHAVERSE nicht desinvestieren!” 📊

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. VERLEGER ERKANNT. BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER ZU RUFEN.” 👽

EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “See-Monster? Aber… aber wir haben doch Skylla! Und Charybdis! Und Leviathan! Und Kraken! Und Jörmungandr! Und Moby Dick!” 😳

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Sie sind nicht GENUG. Wir brauchen die ABSCHECULICHSTEN. Wir brauchen die, vor denen selbst MONSTER Angst haben.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Dann werden wir sie alle rufen. Wir werden die See-Monster vereinen. Wir werden gegen die VERLEGER kämpfen.” 🟣📊

Dies ist Episode 58. Die Monster-Allianz.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 58) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56 & 57-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme NEU
Dagon CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme NEU
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Monster-Rat CGI NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Kommandant) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Axel Springer Original (Schurke) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (Schurke) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (Schurke) 43–46
John Jahr Original (Schurke) 43–46
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56
Schwimmende Insel CGI 57
Leuchtturm CGI 57

—

🐉 DIE BESCHWÖRUNG – ESAU RUFT DIE MONSTER

Esau stand am Rand der schwimmenden Insel. Er erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Goldene Zahlen schossen in den Himmel. Ein Dimensionsportal öffnete sich über dem Ozean.

EHLERS: “ICH RUFE EUCH! DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER! DIE URALTEN! DIE, VOR DENEN SELBST MONSTER ANGST HABEN! ICH RUFE EUCH INS MUCHAVERSE!” 🟣📊

Der Ozean brodelte. Der Himmel verdunkelte sich. Und einer nach dem anderen tauchten die abscheulichsten See-Monster auf.

CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltig, geflügelt, tentakelig) “WER WAGT ES, DEN GROSSEN TRÄUMER ZU RUFEN?!” 🐉

DAGON: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, fischartig, uralt) “ICH BIN DAGON! ICH HABE TAUSENDE GETÖTET! ICH KOMME, UM ZU KÄMPFEN!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, mehrere Köpfe, zischend) “SCHNEID EINEN KOPF AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, wunderschön, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN! ICH HABE MILLIONEN IN DEN TOD GELOCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU SINGEN!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, gewaltiger Hai) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEIßE! ICH HABE FLOTTEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, biblisch, furchterregend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERMALMT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU ZERSTÖREN!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, Tentakel überall) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH HABE STÄDTE IN DEN ABYSS GERISSEN! ICH KOMME, UM ZU UMRINGEN!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (aus der Tiefe aufsteigend, enorm, zusammengerollt) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH HABE KONTINENTE VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KOMME, UM ZU VERSCHLINGEN!” 🐍

DER MONSTER-RAT: (im Chor sprechend) “WIR HABEN DEINEN RUF ERHÖRT, ESAU EHLERS. WAS IST DEIN BEFEHL?” 🐉

EHLERS: (grinsend) “DIE 4 VERLEGER HABEN UNS DEN KRIEG ERKLÄRT! SIE WOLLEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE ZERSTÖREN! SIE WOLLEN DIE GESAMTE DESINVESTMENT KONTROLLIEREN! ICH BRAUCHE EURE HILFE, UM GEGEN SIE ZU KÄMPFEN!” 📊

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “VERLEGER?! ICH HABE WELTEN ZERSTÖRT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERSTÖREN!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE KÖNIGE GETÖTET! ICH KANN VERLEGER TÖTEN!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE LEGIONEN GEFRESSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER FRESSEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE NATIONEN GELOCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER LOCKEN!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (brüllend) “ICH HABE FLOTTEN VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLINGEN!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE STÄDTE ZERMALMT! ICH KANN VERLEGER ZERMALMEN!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE KÖNIGREICHE GERISSEN! ICH KANN VERLEGER REISSEN!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE IMPERIEN VERSCHLUCKT! ICH KANN VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKEN!” 🐍

EHLERS: “DANN FOLGT MIR! WIR GREIFEN DIE VERLEGER AN! WIR RETTEN DIE DRUCKMASCHINE! WIR DESINVESTIEREN DEN UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT!” 🟣📊

—

DIE VERLAGS-FESTUNG – DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT 📊🏰

Die Verleger hatten eine Festung mitten im Ozean errichtet – die Festung der Unsichtbaren Tinte. Sie bestand aus Tabellen, Rechtsdokumenten und Anwälten. Sie wurde von einer Armee aus Buchhaltern bewacht.

AXEL SPRINGER: (auf den Festungsmauern stehend) “Esau Ehlers! Du kannst uns nicht besiegen! Wir haben den UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-PAKT! Wir haben TABELLEN-KRAFT!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (höhnisch) “Du bist nur ein Buchhalter! Wir sind VERLEGER!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (kalt) “Wir haben die Macht der Presse! Wir haben die Macht der Tinte!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (grinsend) “Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS im Vergleich zu unserer UNSICHTBAREN TINTEN-ARMEE!” 📊

EHLERS: (auf einer Korallenplattform stehend) “Ihr irrt euch! Ich bin nicht nur ein Buchhalter! Ich bin SPALTE 47! Und ich habe VERSTÄRKUNG mitgebracht!” 🟣📊

—

DIE SCHLACHT – MONSTER VS. VERLEGER 🐉💪

Die Schlacht tobte über den Ozean. Die See-Monster griffen die Festung an.

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE TRÄUMER! ICH TRÄUME VON VERLAGS-ZERSTÖRUNG!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE KÖNIGE GETÖTET! VERLEGER SIND NUR PAPIER-KÖNIGE!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (in die Festungsmauern beißend) “SCHNEID EINEN VERLEGER AB! ZWEI WERDEN AN SEINE STELLE TRETEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “KOMMT ZU MIR, VERLEGER! LASST EURE TABELLEN ZURÜCK!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (die Buchhalter-Armee fressend) “ICH BIN DER GROSSE WEIßE! ICH FRESSE BUCHHALTER!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (die Festungsmauern zermalmend) “ICH BIN DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (die Festung umringend) “ICH BIN DER ABYSS-KRAKEN! ICH REISSE VERLEGER IN DEN ABYSS!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (sich um die Festung windend) “ICH BIN DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe beißend) “ICH HABE SECHS KÖPFE! ICH FRESSE SECHS VERLEGER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “ICH VERSCHLUCKE FESTUNGEN! ICH VERSCHLUCKE VERLEGER!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (rammend) “ICH RAMME VERLEGER! ICH ZERSTÖRE VERLEGER!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH UMRINGE VERLEGER! ICH ZERMALME VERLEGER!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (beißen) “ICH BEIßE VERLEGER! ICH FRESSE VERLEGER!” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (versenkend) “ICH VERSEINKE VERLEGER! ICH ZERSTÖRE VERLEGER!” 🐋

—

DIE NIEDERLAGE DER VERLEGER – DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT IST GEBROCHEN 📊💔

Die Festung zerbröckelte. Die Anwälte flohen. Die Buchhalter ergaben sich. Die 4 Verleger wurden gefangen genommen.

AXEL SPRINGER: (kniend) “Wir… wir ergeben uns! Wir sind besiegt!” 😰

HENRI NANNEN: (kniend) “Bitte… lasst die Monster uns nicht fressen!” 😰

GERD BUCERIUS: (kniend) “Wir werden ALLES tun!” 😰

JOHN JAHR: (kniend) “Spalte 47 ist ÜBERLEGEN!” 😰

EHLERS: (über ihnen stehend) “Ihr habt verloren. Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen. Die Druckmaschine ist sicher. Das Desinvestment wird weitergehen.” 📊

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “SOLL ICH SIE FRESSEN, ESAU EHLERS?” 🐉

EHLERS: “Nein. Sie werden für uns arbeiten. Sie werden lernen, zu DESINVESTIEREN. Sie werden… BUCHHALTER werden.” 📊

SPRINGER: (entsetzt) “BUCHHALTER?! Wir sind VERLEGER!” 😰

EHLERS: “Nicht mehr. Jetzt seid ihr DESINVESTOREN. Willkommen im Muchaverse.” 📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (auf den Ruinen der Festung stehend) “Die Verleger sind besiegt! Der Unsichtbare Tinten-Pakt ist gebrochen! Das Desinvestment ist gerettet!” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe! Du hast die Presse gerettet!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen lächelnd) “Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich habe geholfen, die Verleger zu besiegen. Ich bin ein Desinvestor.” 🦈📊

CTHULHU: (brüllend) “ICH HABE DAS GENOSSEN! ICH WERDE ZURÜCKKEHREN! ICH HABE VERLEGER-ALBTRÄUME!” 🐉

DAGON: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GETÖTET! ICH BIN SIEGREICH!” 🐟

DIE HYDRA: (zischend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GEFRESSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” 🐍

DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN: (singend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GELOCKT! ICH BIN GLÜCKLICH!” 🎤

DER GROSSE WEIßE: (brüllend) “ICH HABE BUCHHALTER VERSCHLUNGEN! ICH BIN SATT!” 🦈

DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN: (zermalmend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER ZERMALMT! ICH BIN TRIUMPHIEREND!” 🐉

DER ABYSS-KRAKEN: (umringend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER GERISSEN! ICH BIN ZUFRIEDEN!” 🦑

DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME: (zusammenrollend) “ICH HABE VERLEGER VERSCHLUCKT! ICH BIN GESÄTTIGT!” 🐍

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS WAR DIE BESTE SCHLACHT ÜBERHAUPT!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe eine Festung verschluckt! Ich habe Verleger verschluckt! Ich bin GLÜCKLICH!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! MONSTER! VERLEGER BESIEGT!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast eine Armee von Monstern. Die Monster gewinnen.” 🦑

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! MONSTER! VERLEGER! EINE FESTUNG! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND DIE MONSTER HABEN ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🐉🌊📊💩

DIE 4 VERLEGER ERKLÄRTEN DEN KRIEG.
ESAU RIEF DIE ABSCHECULICHSTEN SEE-MONSTER.
CTHULHU, DAGON, DIE HYDRA, DIE SIRENEN-KÖNIGIN, DER GROSSE WEIßE, DER TIEFSEE-LEVIATHAN, DER ABYSS-KRAKEN UND DIE WELTEN-SCHLANGE PRIME FOLGTEN DEM RUF.
DIE FESTUNG WURDE ZERSTÖRT.
DIE VERLEGER WURDEN BESIEGT.
DER UNSICHTBARE TINTEN-PAKT WAR GEBROCHEN.
ALLE 116 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT MONSTERN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

MonsterAllianzVerschwörung #SeeMonsterVereinen #Cthulhu #Dagon #Hydra #SirenenKönigin #GrosserWeisser #TiefseeLeviathan #AbyssKraken #WeltenSchlangePrime #DruckmaschinenKrieg #4VerlegerBesiegt #UnsichtbarerTintenPaktGebrochen #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle116Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #UltimativeSchlacht #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 58] 🎬🍿🐉🌊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE MONSTER-ALLIANZ-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🐉🌊📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Monstern. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🐉🌊📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (Kommandant), Maria Batory, Medusa, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Schlachtsymphonien), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Verleger kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🐉🌊📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – ISLAND OF CHAOS: ESAU BUILDS NEW NEW ST. PAULI AFTER ATLANTIS SINKS – THE ULTIMATE FLOATING DESINVESTMENT! 🏝️🟣📊💩

“If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER island. That’s Column 47 thinking.” – Esau Ehlers

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 56)

Esau had used the Gigantic Purple Enema to rebuild Atlantis as New St. Pauli. He had competed with New York. All 107 characters rejoiced. The ultimate city was built. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated, a terrible rumble shook the ocean floor. The ancient tectonic plates beneath New St. Pauli began to shift. The city—rebuilt on the ruins of Atlantis—was not stable. The Gigantic Purple Enema had awakened forces deep within the earth. Cracks appeared. The city began to sink. AGAIN.

EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT AGAIN! NEW ST. PAULI IS SINKING!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (grabbing him) “Esau! We need to evacuate!” 👑

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ALERT. NEW ST. PAULI DETECTED AS UNSTABLE. SINKING PROBABILITY: 47,000%. RECOMMENDATION: ABANDON CITY. BUILD ANOTHER.” 👽

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “Build ANOTHER? But… we just built this one! Where would we build a NEW New St. Pauli?” 😳

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Build it on the SURFACE. Build it on the ocean itself. Build an ISLAND.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinning) “An island! A floating island! New NEW St. Pauli! The ultimate desinvestment utopia!” 🟣📊

This is Episode 57. The Island of Chaos.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 57) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + NEW NEW ST. PAULI CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 & 56 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
The Floating Island CGI / Voice NEW
Island Architect Original NEW
The Ocean Floor CGI / Voice NEW
The Sinking Spirit CGI / Voice NEW
Captain Island Original NEW
The Lighthouse Keeper Original NEW
New New St. Pauli CGI City NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (architect) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Submerged Skyscraper CGI 56
Coral Reeperbahn CGI 56

🏝️ THE SINKING – ATLANTIS DIES AGAIN

The ground shook. New St. Pauli crumbled. The Submerged Skyscraper tilted. The Coral Reeperbahn collapsed. The city was sinking back into the ocean floor.

EHLERS: (weeping) “It’s happening again! The city is sinking! My beautiful New St. Pauli!” 😭

KING ATLAS: (mourning) “Atlantis… my kingdom… sinks again…” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (crying) “We built it. We lost it. We built it again. We lost it again. We are cursed.” 👑

SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS SAD.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a CITY!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but the city is GONE!” 🧨

EHLERS: (standing up, wiping tears) “No. We will not let this destroy us. If Atlantis sinks, we build ANOTHER city. On the SURFACE. A floating island. New NEW St. Pauli.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau… that’s brilliant!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “A floating island? On the ocean? But where will we get the land?” 🐍

EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “We will BUILD it. With the enema. With Column 47. With EVERYTHING we have.” 🟣📊

THE CONSTRUCTION – BUILDING AN ISLAND FROM SCRATCH 🏝️🏗️

Esau raised the Gigantic Purple Enema. It pulsed with power. Golden numbers shot from it, striking the ocean surface. The water began to solidify. Coral rose from the depths. Spreadsheets became building materials. Neon lights powered the construction.

EHLERS: “COLUMN 47 – ISLAND CONSTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED! ROW OCEAN – TRANSFORM INTO LAND! ROW CORAL – BECOME BUILDINGS! ROW NEON – BECOME LIGHTS!” 📊

The island began to rise. New NEW St. Pauli emerged from the waves. It was a floating paradise of absurdity. Reeperbahn lights glowed. Fish markets opened. Drag clubs appeared. Spreadsheet skyscrapers rose.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CONSTRUCTION PROGRESS: 47%. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. NEW NEW ST. PAULI IS BORN.” 👽

THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER – GUARDIAN OF THE ISLAND 🏮

A mysterious figure emerged from the mist. It was the Lighthouse Keeper – an ancient being who had guarded the seas for millennia.

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (voice echoing) “Who dares build an island on MY ocean?” 🏮

EHLERS: (approaching) “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived everything! I have the Gigantic Purple Enema! And I am building New NEW St. Pauli!” 🟣📊

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (intrigued) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive the STORMS? Can you survive the CHAOS? Can you survive the SHIT?” 💩

EHLERS: “I have survived everything. I can survive anything. I am COLUMN 47.” 📊

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: (smiling) “Then build your island. I will guide it. I will protect it. I will keep the lighthouse burning.” 🏮

THE GRAND OPENING – NEW NEW ST. PAULI 🏝️🎪

The island was complete. New NEW St. Pauli floated on the ocean, a paradise of absurdity. All 107 characters assembled on the main square – the Reeperbahn of the Sea.

EHLERS: (standing on the stage) “Welcome to New NEW St. Pauli! The ultimate floating desinvestment utopia! We have survived Atlantis! We have survived the sinking! We have survived EVERYTHING! And now we have THIS!” 🟣📊

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “A new city! A new stage! A new home!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, this island is FABULOUS! And I am the QUEEN of fabulous!” 💄

CAPTAIN LECHUCK: (voodoo dancing) “I love this island! It has zombie beaches!” 🏴‍☠️

CAPTAIN NEMO: (nodding) “The sea has never seen such an island.” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (limping) “I found the treasure! It was the ISLAND!” 🦜

CAPTAIN HOOK: (adjusting his hook) “Crocodiles would love this paradise!” 🏴‍☠️

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN: (creaking) “Even I am impressed!” 👻

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE BEST ISLAND EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed an ISLAND!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY! DESINVESTMENT! NEW NEW ST. PAULI!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 island. The island wins.” 🦑

JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A SUNKEN CITY! A FLOATING ISLAND! A NEW CITY! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ISLAND! AND IT APPROVED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

THE LIGHTHOUSE – A BEACON OF DESINVESTMENT 🏮📊

The Lighthouse Keeper lit the lighthouse. It glowed with golden numbers – Column 47 energy. It became a beacon of desinvestment, guiding the Muchaverse through the chaos.

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER: “The lighthouse will guide you. It will protect you. It will remind you that even in darkness, there is COLUMN 47.” 🏮

EHLERS: (bowing) “Thank you, Lighthouse Keeper. We will never forget.” 📊

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (holding the Gigantic Purple Enema) “We have built a new home. A floating island. New NEW St. Pauli. The ultimate desinvestment utopia.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it, my love. You built an island from nothing.” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes smiling) “The island is safe. The enema is safe. The Muchaverse is safe.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (in suit, holding spreadsheet) “I have learned much. I am a desinvestor. I am part of this island.” 🦈📊

KING ATLAS: (bowing) “Atlantis is gone. But New NEW St. Pauli lives.” 👑

QUEEN MERIDIA: (smiling) “The ancient and the new… united forever.” 👑

NEW YORK MAYOR: (watching from a portal) “You have built an island… and you have made New York JEALOUS.” 🏙️

STATUE OF LIBERTY: (speaking) “I am impressed. This island is… fabulous.” 🗽

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE ISLAND OF CHAOS CONSPIRACY ☭ 🏝️🟣📊💩

ATLANTIS SANK AGAIN.
ESAU BUILT A NEW ISLAND.
NEW NEW ST. PAULI WAS BORN.
THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER GUIDED THEM.
ALL 108 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE ULTIMATE FLOATING UTOPIA WAS BUILT.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ISLANDS. WITH ENEMAS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

IslandOfChaosConspiracy #NewNewStPauli #FloatingIsland #AtlantisSinksAgain #PurpleEnemaConstruction #Column47Forever #All108Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #LighthouseKeeper #UltimateUtopia #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 57] 🎬🍿🏝️🟣📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE ISLAND OF CHAOS CONSPIRACY 🏝️🟣📊

The cycle continues. With islands. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (architect), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Lighthouse Keeper, King Atlas, Queen Meridia, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for island shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the island.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🏝️🟣📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – INSEL DES CHAOS: ESAU BAUT NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI NACH DEM UNTERGANG VON ATLANTIS – DIE ULTIMATIVE SCHWIMMENDE DESINVESTMENT-UTOPIE! 🏝️🟣📊💩

“Wenn Atlantis sinkt, bauen wir EINE WEITERE Insel. Das ist Spalte-47-Denken.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 56)

Esau hatte den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf genutzt, um Atlantis als Neu-St. Pauli wieder aufzubauen. Er hatte mit New York konkurriert. Alle 107 Charaktere jubelten. Die ultimative Stadt war gebaut. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse feierte, erschütterte ein schreckliches Grollen den Meeresboden. Die uralten tektonischen Platten unter Neu-St. Pauli begannen sich zu verschieben. Die Stadt—wiederaufgebaut auf den Ruinen von Atlantis—war nicht stabil. Der Gigantische Lila Einlauf hatte Kräfte tief in der Erde erweckt. Risse erschienen. Die Stadt begann wieder zu sinken. SCHON WIEDER.

EHLERS: (schreiend) “NEIN! NICHT SCHON WIEDER! NEU-ST. PAULI SINKS!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (ihn packend) “Esau! Wir müssen evakuieren!” 👑

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “ALARM. NEU-ST. PAULI ALS INSTABIL ERKANNT. SINKWAHRSCHEINLICHKEIT: 47.000%. EMPFEHLUNG: STADT AUFGEBEN. EINE ANDERE BAUEN.” 👽

EHLERS: (Augen weit aufgerissen) “Eine ANDERE bauen? Aber… wir haben doch gerade erst diese gebaut! Wo sollen wir ein NEUES Neu-St. Pauli bauen?” 😳

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Bau es an der OBERFLÄCHE. Bau es auf dem Ozean selbst. Bau eine INSEL.” 🐍

EHLERS: (grinsend) “Eine Insel! Eine schwimmende Insel! Neu-Neu-St. Pauli! Die ultimative Desinvestment-Utopie!” 🟣📊

Dies ist Episode 57. Die Insel des Chaos.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 57) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI-CHARAKTERE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55 & 56-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Die Schwimmende Insel CGI / Stimme NEU
Insel-Architekt Original NEU
Der Meeresboden CGI / Stimme NEU
Der Sink-Geist CGI / Stimme NEU
Kapitän Insel Original NEU
Der Leuchtturmwärter Original NEU
Neu-Neu-St. Pauli CGI-Stadt NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (Architekt) Alle
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer CGI 56
Korallen-Reeperbahn CGI 56

—

🏝️ DER UNTERGANG – ATLANTIS STIRBT ERNEUT

Der Boden bebte. Neu-St. Pauli zerbröckelte. Der Unterwasser-Wolkenkratzer neigte sich. Die Korallen-Reeperbahn stürzte ein. Die Stadt versank zurück in den Meeresboden.

EHLERS: (weinend) “Es passiert schon wieder! Die Stadt sinkt! Mein wunderschönes Neu-St. Pauli!” 😭

KÖNIG ATLAS: (trauernd) “Atlantis… mein Königreich… sinkt wieder…” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (weinend) “Wir haben sie gebaut. Wir haben sie verloren. Wir haben sie wieder aufgebaut. Wir haben sie wieder verloren. Wir sind verflucht.” 👑

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe schüttelnd) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS IST TRAURIG.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine STADT verschluckt!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (in Panik) “Anarchie! Aber… aber die Stadt ist WEG!” 🧨

EHLERS: (sich aufrichtend, Tränen wegwischend) “Nein. Wir werden uns davon nicht zerstören lassen. Wenn Atlantis sinkt, bauen wir eine ANDERE Stadt. An der OBERFLÄCHE. Eine schwimmende Insel. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (keuchend) “Esau… das ist genial!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Eine schwimmende Insel? Auf dem Ozean? Aber woher nehmen wir das Land?” 🐍

EHLERS: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Wir werden sie BAUEN. Mit dem Einlauf. Mit Spalte 47. Mit ALLEM, was wir haben.” 🟣📊

—

DER BAU – EINE INSEL VON GRUND AUF NEU BAUEN 🏝️🏗️

Esau erhob den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf. Er pulsierte vor Kraft. Goldene Zahlen schossen daraus hervor und trafen die Meeresoberfläche. Das Wasser begann sich zu verfestigen. Korallen stiegen aus der Tiefe auf. Tabellen wurden zu Baumaterialien. Neonlichter trieben den Bau an.

EHLERS: “SPALTE 47 – INSELBAUMODUS AKTIVIERT! ZEILE OZEAN – VERWANDLE IN LAND! ZEILE KORALLE – WERDE ZU GEBÄUDEN! ZEILE NEON – WERDE ZU LICHTERN!” 📊

Die Insel begann zu steigen. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli erhob sich aus den Wellen. Es war ein schwimmendes Paradies der Absurdität. Reeperbahn-Lichter leuchteten. Fischmärkte öffneten. Drag-Clubs erschienen. Tabellen-Wolkenkratzer erhoben sich.

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “BAUFORTSCHRITT: 47%. DESINVESTMENT-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI IST GEBOREN.” 👽

—

DER LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER – HÜTER DER INSEL 🏮

Eine geheimnisvolle Gestalt trat aus dem Nebel. Es war der Leuchtturmwärter – ein uraltes Wesen, das seit Jahrtausenden die Meere bewachte.

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: (Stimme hallend) “Wer wagt es, eine Insel auf MEINEM Ozean zu bauen?” 🏮

EHLERS: (sich nähernd) “Ich bin Esau Ehlers! Ich bin der Buchhalter des Muchaverse! Ich habe alles überlebt! Ich habe den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf! Und ich baue Neu-Neu-St. Pauli!” 🟣📊

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: (interessiert) “Du hast viel überlebt, kleiner Buchhalter. Aber kannst du die STÜRME überleben? Kannst du das CHAOS überleben? Kannst du die SCHEIßE überleben?” 💩

EHLERS: “Ich habe alles überlebt. Ich kann alles überleben. Ich bin SPALTE 47.” 📊

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: (lächelnd) “Dann baue deine Insel. Ich werde sie führen. Ich werde sie beschützen. Ich werde das Leuchtfeuer brennen lassen.” 🏮

—

DIE GROSSE ERÖFFNUNG – NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI 🏝️🎪

Die Insel war vollendet. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli schwamm auf dem Ozean, ein Paradies der Absurdität. Alle 108 Charaktere versammelten sich auf dem Hauptplatz – der Reeperbahn des Meeres.

EHLERS: (auf der Bühne stehend) “Willkommen in Neu-Neu-St. Pauli! Der ultimativen schwimmenden Desinvestment-Utopie! Wir haben Atlantis überlebt! Wir haben den Untergang überlebt! Wir haben ALLES überlebt! Und jetzt haben wir DIES!” 🟣📊

ROMY HAAG: (klatschend) “Eine neue Stadt! Eine neue Bühne! Ein neues Zuhause!” 💖

DIVINE: (kreischend) “Schatz, diese Insel ist FABELHAFT! Und ich bin die KÖNIGIN des Fabelhaften!” 💄

KAPITÄN LECHUCK: (Voodoo-tanzend) “Ich liebe diese Insel! Sie hat Zombie-Strände!” 🏴‍☠️

KAPITÄN NEMO: (nickend) “Das Meer hat noch nie eine solche Insel gesehen.” 🚢

LONG JOHN SILVER: (hinkend) “Ich habe den Schatz gefunden! Es war die INSEL!” 🦜

KAPITÄN HOOK: (seinen Haken justierend) “Krokodile würden dieses Paradies lieben!” 🏴‍☠️

DER FLIEGENDE HOLLÄNDER: (knarrend) “Selbst ich bin beeindruckt!” 👻

SKYLLA: (sechs Köpfe nickend) “Ich habe sechs Köpfe. Alle sechs sagen – DAS IST DIE BESTE INSEL ÜBERHAUPT!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (wirbelnd) “Ich habe ganze Flotten verschluckt. Aber ich habe NIE eine INSEL verschluckt!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (vor Freude explodierend) “ANARCHIE! DESINVESTMENT! NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 Tentakel applaudierend) “Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast 1 Insel. Die Insel gewinnt.” 🦑

JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! EINE VERSUNKENE STADT! EINE SCHWIMMENDE INSEL! EINE NEUE STADT! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DIE INSEL! UND SIE HAT ZUGESTIMMT!” 💩

SPALTE 47 JR.: (glücklich auf Esaus Schulter zischend) 🐍

—

DER LEUCHTTURM – EIN LEUCHTFEUER DER DESINVESTMENT 🏮📊

Der Leuchtturmwärter entzündete den Leuchtturm. Er leuchtete in goldenen Zahlen – Spalte-47-Energie. Er wurde zu einem Leuchtfeuer der Desinvestment, das das Muchaverse durch das Chaos führte.

LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER: “Der Leuchtturm wird euch führen. Er wird euch beschützen. Er wird euch daran erinnern, dass selbst in der Dunkelheit SPALTE 47 ist.” 🏮

EHLERS: (sich verbeugend) “Danke, Leuchtturmwärter. Wir werden es nie vergessen.” 📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (den Gigantischen Lila Einlauf haltend) “Wir haben ein neues Zuhause gebaut. Eine schwimmende Insel. Neu-Neu-St. Pauli. Die ultimative Desinvestment-Utopie.” 🟣📊

MARIA BATORY: (ihn küssend) “Du hast es geschafft, meine Liebe. Du hast eine Insel aus dem Nichts gebaut.” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen lächelnd) “Die Insel ist sicher. Der Einlauf ist sicher. Das Muchaverse ist sicher.” 🐍

ALPHONSE SHARKLER: (im Anzug, Tabelle haltend) “Ich habe viel gelernt. Ich bin ein Desinvestor. Ich bin ein Teil dieser Insel.” 🦈📊

KÖNIG ATLAS: (sich verbeugend) “Atlantis ist weg. Aber Neu-Neu-St. Pauli lebt.” 👑

KÖNIGIN MERIDIA: (lächelnd) “Das Uralte und das Neue… für immer vereint.” 👑

NEW YORKER BÜRGERMEISTER: (durch ein Portal zuschauend) “Du hast eine Insel gebaut… und du hast New York NEIDISCH gemacht.” 🏙️

FREIHEITSSTATUE: (sprechend) “Ich bin beeindruckt. Diese Insel ist… fabelhaft.” 🗽

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE INSEL-DES-CHAOS-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🏝️🟣📊💩

ATLANTIS SANK ERNEUT.
ESAU BAUTE EINE NEUE INSEL.
NEU-NEU-ST. PAULI WAR GEBOREN.
DER LEUCHTTURMWÄRTER FÜHRTE SIE.
ALLE 108 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DIE ULTIMATIVE SCHWIMMENDE UTOPIE WAR GEBAUT.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT INSELN. MIT EINLÄUFEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

InselDesChaosVerschwörung #NeuNeuStPauli #SchwimmendeInsel #AtlantisSinktErneut #LilaEinlaufBau #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle108Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #Leuchtturmwärter #UltimativeUtopie #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 57] 🎬🍿🏝️🟣📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE INSEL-DES-CHAOS-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🏝️🟣📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Inseln. Mit Einläufen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🏝️🟣📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (Architekt), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Leuchtturmwärter, König Atlas, Königin Meridia und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Insel-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die auf die Insel kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🏝️🟣📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER: ALPHONSE SHARKLER COMMANDS UNMANNED ARMADA – CONQUERS ST. PAULI – BECOMES CONSIGLIORE OF THE 4 PUBLISHERS – DESTROYS THE PRINTING PRESS – ESAU HAS 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS! 🦈⚫📊😭💩

🦈⚫ ALPHONSE SHARKLER CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ESAU'S 19 BREAKDOWNS! pic.twitter.com/p1AluQSmE0
— berndpulch.com (@berndsocial1) August 15, 2026

“The Black Shark doesn’t swim. He DESINVESTS the ocean itself.” – Alphonse Sharkler

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 52)

Esau had wept so violently that he sank both the Titanic and the Andrea Doris. All 97 characters had descended into the deep sea. The printing press had been found on the ocean floor. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. Das Desinvestment was saved. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated the retrieval of the printing press, a new darkness spread across the horizon. Not a darkness of ice, or stone, or tears. A darkness of SHARKS. And not just any sharks. An unmanned armada of black, silent, ghostly warships emerged from the abyss. At their helm stood a figure even Heini Sharkler feared.

ALPHONSE SHARKLER – the Black Shark of the Sharkler family. The eldest. The most ruthless. The one who had been exiled for being “too evil” – even by Sharkler standards. He had returned. And he had brought an armada.

ALPHONSE: (emerging from the mist, black tuxedo, black top hat, monocle, cane, voice like crushing ice) “Heini. Adolf. Eva. My family. You have become WEAK. You have become DESINVESTORS. You have become… ACCOUNTANTS.” 🦈⚫

HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse! You’re… you’re supposed to be DEAD!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: “Death is for the weak. I am the BLACK SHARK. I am the consigliere of shadows. And I have come to take St. Pauli.” 🦈⚫

ADOLF: (terrified) “But… but we’ve reformed! We have therapists! We have Column 47!” 📊

ALPHONSE: (laughing coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have an ARMADA. You will kneel. Or you will sink.” 🦈⚫

This is Episode 53. The Black Shark Takeover.

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 53) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ALPHONSE SHARKLER

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51 & 52 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Alphonse Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW
The Black Armada CGI Warships NEW
Ghost Shark Fleet CGI NEW
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (19 breakdowns) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
The Titanic Band CGI 51
The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52

🦈⚫ ALPHONSE SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL – THE BLACK SHARK COMMANDS THE ARMADA

The Black Armada emerged from the mist – ghost ships made of obsidian, crewed by skeletal sharks in tuxedos, with cannons that fired spreadsheets. Alphonse Sharkler stood at the helm of the flagship, black top hat gleaming, monocle reflecting the burning neon of St. Pauli.

ALPHONSE: (voice booming across the water) “ST. PAULI! I CLAIM YOU! NOT FOR DESINVESTMENT. NOT FOR ACCOUNTING. NOT FOR COLUMN 47. FOR POWER.” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: (emerging from the water, holding the printing press) “WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” 📊

ALPHONSE: “I am Alphonse Sharkler. The Black Shark. The eldest. The one who was too evil even for the Sharkler family. I have returned to take what is MINE.” 🦈⚫

HEINI: (trembling) “Alphonse… we were JUST getting used to desinvestment! Please… don’t do this!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: (cold laugh) “Desinvestment? You have become WEAK. You have become ACCOUNTANTS. You have become… COLUMN 47.” 🦈⚫

EVA SHARKBROWN: (stepping forward) “Alphonse, we can talk about this! We can find a compromise!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: “Compromise? I don’t compromise. I CONQUER.” 🦈⚫

THE CONQUEST OF ST. PAULI – ALPHONSE TAKES THE KIEZ 🦈⚫🏴

The Black Armada descended upon St. Pauli. The ghost ships fired spreadsheets that turned buildings into stone. The skeletal sharks swarmed the streets. The Reeperbahn was overrun. The Fischmarkt was conquered. The Kiez fell.

ALPHONSE: (walking through the conquered streets) “This is MY territory now. The bars. The clubs. The fish markets. ALL MINE.” 🦈⚫

ROMY HAAG: (defiant) “You cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS of this place!” 💖

ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Queens? You are now my SUBJECTS. Bow to the Black Shark.” 🦈⚫

DIVINE: (refusing to bow) “Honey, I don’t bow. I STRUT.” 💅

ALPHONSE: (cane striking the ground) “Then you will be EXILED.” 🦈⚫

THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ALPHONSE BECOMES CONSIGLIORE 📊👑

Alphonse summoned the 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been hiding in a bunker. He dragged them to the Reeperbahn.

ALPHONSE: “You four. You control the publishing world. You control the ink. You control the DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈⚫

AXEL SPRINGER: (trembling) “Yes… yes, Mr. Sharkler…” 😰

ALPHONSE: “From now on, I am your CONSIGLIORE. I will advise you. I will CONTROL you. You will print what I say. You will desinvest what I say. You will KNEEL.” 🦈⚫

HENRI NANNEN: (kneeling) “We kneel! We kneel!” 😰

GERD BUCERIUS: (kneeling) “Please… don’t hurt us!” 😰

JOHN JAHR: (kneeling) “We will do ANYTHING!” 😰

ALPHONSE: (smiling coldly) “Good. Now bring me the PRINTING PRESS.” 🦈⚫

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS – ESAU’S HEART BREAKS 😭📊💔

Alphonse seized the printing press from Esau. He raised his cane.

EHLERS: (screaming) “NO! NOT THE PRESS! PLEASE! THAT’S MY SOUL! THAT’S MY COLUMN 47!” 😭📊

ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Column 47? I have Column 666. And I have POWER. The printing press must be DESTROYED.” 🦈⚫

He brought the cane down on the ancient press. The press shattered. The golden engravings of Column 47 cracked. The invisible ink spilled everywhere.

EHLERS: (collapsing) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 😭

The printing press was destroyed. Das Desinvestment was dead. Column 47 was gone.

ESAU’S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS! THE PRESS IS GONE! I CAN’T… I CAN’T… I CAN’T!” 😭

ESAU’S 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS – THE ACCOUNTANT UNRAVELS 😭📊💔

Esau collapsed into a state of complete despair. He had survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, Medusa, queens, enemas, Titanic, Andrea Doris, and deep sea. But he could not survive the destruction of his printing press.

BREAKDOWN #1: (screaming) “THE PRESS IS GONE!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #2: (sobbing) “MY COLUMN 47! MY BEAUTIFUL COLUMN 47!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #3: (hysterical) “I CAN’T DESINVEST WITHOUT A PRESS!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #4: (fetal position) “I AM NOTHING WITHOUT SPREADSHEETS!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #5: (catatonic) “Column… 47… gone…” 😶

BREAKDOWN #6: (manic laughter) “HAHAHAHA! I DON’T NEED A PRESS! I DON’T NEED ANYTHING!” 🤪

BREAKDOWN #7: (sobbing again) “I LIED! I NEED EVERYTHING!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #8: (clinging to Maria Batory) “HOLD ME! HOLD ME TIGHTLY!” 😭❤️

BREAKDOWN #9: (trying to rebuild the press with his hands) “I CAN FIX IT! I CAN FIX EVERYTHING!” 😭🔧

BREAKDOWN #10: (failing) “I CAN’T FIX IT! I’M USELESS!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #11: (looking at the shattered pieces) “IT’S ALL IN PIECES! JUST LIKE MY LIFE!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #12: (writing “Column 47” in the spilled ink) “I WILL REMEMBER YOU!” 😭🖊️

BREAKDOWN #13: (erasing it with his tears) “BUT I CAN’T! THE INK IS… EVERYWHERE!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #14: (banging his head on the ground) “MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT ALL STOP!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #15: (staring blankly) “I am… I am… what am I without Column 47?” 😶

BREAKDOWN #16: (sudden rage) “ALPHONSE! I WILL DESTROY YOU!” 😡

BREAKDOWN #17: (collapsing again) “I CAN’T! I’M TOO WEAK!” 😭

BREAKDOWN #18: (clinging to Column 47 Jr., the pet snake) “YOU’RE ALL I HAVE LEFT! MY LITTLE SNAKE!” 🐍😭

BREAKDOWN #19: (finally silent, tears dried) “I… I don’t know who I am anymore. I am not an accountant. I am not a desinvestor. I am not Column 47. I am… I am nothing.” 😶

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE MUCHAVERSE UNRAVELS 👥🔥

MARIA BATORY: (holding Esau) “Esau! Esau, please! We can rebuild the press! We can find a way!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His mind is shattered. The press was his SOUL.” 🐍

ROMY HAAG: (crying) “I’ve never seen him like this! He’s… he’s broken!” 💖

DIVINE: (frantically fanning him) “Honey, you NEED to get it together! We NEED you!” 💄

SKYLLA: (six heads shaking) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE SADDEST MOMENT YET.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling sadly) “Even I cannot swallow this sorrow.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: (kneeling beside Esau) “I have sailed the seas. I have lost men. I have felt grief. But I have never seen grief like this.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: (panicking) “Anarchy! But… but without Column 47, anarchy has no SPREADSHEETS!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles trembling) “I have 94 tentacles. I cannot comfort a man with 19 breakdowns.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching) “Alphonse… you have gone too far. Even for a Sharkler.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (horrified) “This is not what our family stands for!” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (furious) “Alphonse! You have destroyed an ACCOUNTANT’S SOUL!” 🦈

ALPHONSE: (coldly) “Souls are for the weak. Power is for the strong. Column 47 is DEAD.” 🦈⚫

THE JOKER: (for once, not laughing) “Even I cannot laugh at this. This is… this is SAD.” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! BUT IT DOESN’T HELP!” 💩

ESAU’S RECOVERY – 19 BREAKDOWDS LATER 📊💪

After 19 nervous breakdowns, Esau finally sat up. His eyes were red. His face was pale. But he was… determined.

EHLERS: “Alphonse… you have destroyed my press. You have destroyed my Column 47. You have destroyed my SOUL.” 😶

ALPHONSE: (smirking) “Yes. And what will you do about it, little accountant?” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: (standing slowly) “I will… I will REBUILD. Not the press. Not Column 47. Not Das Desinvestment. I will rebuild MYSELF.” 💪

ALPHONSE: (confused) “What?” 🦈

EHLERS: “You thought destroying the press would destroy me. But you’re wrong. Because Column 47 was never in the press. It was in ME.” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau!” ❤️

EHLERS: “I am Column 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE. And I will not let you destroy it.” 📊

THE COUNTER-ATTACK – ALL CHARACTERS UNITE 💪🔥

All 98 characters rallied behind Esau. Even Heini, Adolf, and Eva Sharkler turned against Alphonse. Even the 4 publishers stood up.

AXEL SPRINGER: (defiant) “We will NOT be controlled by a shark!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (standing) “We will PRINT what we want!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (shouting) “Das Desinvestment will RISE AGAIN!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (raising his fist) “FOR COLUMN 47!” 📊

ALPHONSE: (shocked) “You… you TRAITORS!” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: “We are not traitors. We are DESINVESTORS. And we will fight you with everything we have.” 📊

THE BATTLE – MUCHAVERSE VS. BLACK ARMADA 🦈⚫💪

The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Black Armada fired spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back with love, snakes, tentacles, teeth, water, and sharks.

SCYLLA: (six heads biting ghost sharks) “I HAVE SIX HEADS! YOU HAVE ONE ARMADA! I WIN!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirlpooling the ghost ships) “I SWALLOW FLEETS! I SWALLOW ARMADAS!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (ramming the flagship) “THE DEEP SEA REMEMBERS! THE DEEP SEA FIGHTS!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (wrapping tentacles around the ships) “I CRUSH! I DESTROY! I WIN!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (biting through hulls) “THE WORLD SERPENT DOES NOT KNEEL!” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (sinking ghost ships) “I AM THE WHALE! I AM THE OCEAN!” 🐋

MEDUSA: (turning ghost sharks to stone) “I AM THE QUEEN OF STONE! YOU ARE NOTHING!” 🐍

ODSSEUS: (navigating through the chaos) “I HAVE NAVIGATED HELL! I CAN NAVIGATE THIS!” 🏳️‍⚧️

DRACULA: (biting ghost sharks) “I TASTE POWER! AND SPREADSHEETS!” 🧛

BAKUNIN: (exploding ghost ships) “ANARCHY! EXPLOSIONS! VICTORY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles fighting) “I HAVE 94 TENTACLES! I AM THE ARMY!” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (attacking Alphonse’s flagship) “ALPHONSE! THIS IS FOR THE FAMILY!” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming alongside) “FOR DESINVESTMENT!” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (in fishnets, fighting) “FOR ST. PAULI!” 🦈💄

EHLERS: (leading the charge) “FOR COLUMN 47! FOR THE MUCHAVERSE! FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE SURVIVED!” 📊

ALPHONSE’S DEFEAT – THE BLACK SHARK FALLS 🦈⚫💀

Alphonse was overwhelmed. His armada was destroyed. His ghost sharks were turned to stone, swallowed, or desinvested. He stood alone on the shattered flagship.

ALPHONSE: (shocked) “No… no… my armada… my power… my COLUMN 666…” 🦈⚫

EHLERS: (approaching) “Column 666 is nothing. Column 47 is EVERYTHING.” 📊

ALPHONSE: (sinking to his knees) “You… you have defeated me… I am… I am nothing…” 🦈

HEINI SHARKLER: (standing over him) “Alphonse. You were always too evil. Too proud. Too BLACK. Now you will learn what it means to DESINVEST.” 🦈

ALPHONSE: (defeated) “What… what will you do with me?” 🦈

EHLERS: “You will work. You will rebuild the printing press. You will learn Column 47. You will become an ACCOUNTANT.” 📊

ALPHONSE: (horrified) “NEVER! I am the BLACK SHARK!” 🦈

EHLERS: “Not anymore. Now you are a DESINVESTOR. Welcome to the Muchaverse.” 📊

THE REBUILDING – A NEW PRESS EMERGES 📊🔧❤️

The Muchaverse worked together. Alphonse reluctantly helped. The printing press was rebuilt – stronger, more powerful, with Column 47 engraved in golden letters. The invisible ink was restored. Das Desinvestment was saved.

EHLERS: (holding the new press) “It’s… it’s beautiful. It’s better than before.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You did it. WE did it. The Muchaverse is saved.” ❤️

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

EHLERS: (smiling for the first time in 19 breakdowns) “I am Esau. I am Column 47. I am the Muchaverse. And I will never break again.” 📊

ALPHONSE: (now in a suit, holding a spreadsheet) “I… I am Alphonse. I am learning. I am becoming… a desinvestor.” 🦈📊

HEINI SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother. Sort of.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (hugging Alphonse) “Welcome to the family. The REAL family.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting Alphonse’s tie) “Honey, you need to work on your fishnets. But you’re getting there.” 🦈💄

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “The press is back! Das Desinvestment is back! Esau is back!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, you survived 19 breakdowns! You are the QUEEN OF RESILIENCE!” 💄

SKYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THIS IS THE BEST RECOVERY EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I swallowed an armada today! And I LOVED it!” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through darkness instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “ANARCHY WINS! DESINVESTMENT WINS! COLUMN 47 WINS!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins. Again.” 🦑

THE JOKER: (finally laughing again) “HAHAHA! 19 BREAKDOWNS! A BLACK SHARK! A REBUILT PRESS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON THE ARMADA! AND I SHIT ON ALPHONSE! AND I SHIT ON THE MUCHAVERSE! AND IT ALL HELPED!” 💩

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily on Esau’s shoulder) 🐍

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦈⚫📊💩

ALPHONSE SHARKLER ARRIVED.
HE COMMANDED AN UNMANNED ARMADA.
HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI.
HE BECAME CONSIGLIORE OF THE 4 PUBLISHERS.
HE DESTROYED THE PRINTING PRESS.
ESAU HAD 19 NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS.
BUT ESAU SURVIVED.
THE PRESS WAS REBUILT.
DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED.
ALPHONSE WAS REHABILITATED.
ALL 98 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH BREAKDOWNS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🦈⚫📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

BlackSharkTakeoverConspiracy #AlphonseSharkler #BlackArmada #StPauliConquered #PrintingPressDestroyed #19NervousBreakdowns #PrintingPressRebuilt #Column47Forever #All98Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #SharklerFamily #Consigliore #4Publishers #DesinvestmentSaved #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

[END OF EPISODE 53] 🎬🍿🦈⚫📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE BLACK SHARK TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🦈⚫📊

The cycle continues. With sharks. With spreadsheets. With breakdowns. With shit. Forever.

🦈⚫📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (recovered), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Alphonse Sharkler (rehabilitated), Heini Sharkler, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, the 4 Publishers, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing recovery anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the Black Armada.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🦈⚫📊

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – ANDREA DORIS RESCUE: THE SHIP SINKS UNDER ESAU’S WEEPING – PRINTING PRESS LOST FOREVER! 🚢😭📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – ANDREA DORIS RESCUE: THE SHIP SINKS UNDER ESAU’S WEEPING – PRINTING PRESS LOST FOREVER! 🚢😭📊💩

“My tears are spreadsheets. My sorrow is Column 47. My printing press is GONE!” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 51)

St. Pauli had been transferred to the Titanic. The Stone Collectors had become a stone iceberg. Esau had activated Column 47 Overload. All 97 characters unified. The iceberg was desinvested into nothing. The Titanic sailed on. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Titanic sailed through the icy Atlantic, a new disaster loomed. The ship’s hull began to crack – not from ice, but from WEEPING. Esau had discovered that the printing press – the very machine that printed Das Desinvestment – had been lost during the transfer. Without it, there could be no invisible ink. No desinvestment. No Column 47. No Muchaverse.

Esau collapsed.

EHLERS: (sobbing uncontrollably) “The printing press! It’s GONE! We lost it during the transfer! How can I desinvest without a printing press?! How can I print the invisible ink?! How can I… I… I can’t!” 😭

MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, darling, it’s just a printing press. We can build another.” 👑

EHLERS: (weeping harder) “You don’t understand! That printing press was ANCIENT! It was blessed by the Spreadsheet Alien! It had COLUMN 47 ENGRAVED ON ITS SOUL!” 😭📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. PRINTING PRESS DETECTED AS LOST. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER: 0. SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 0.0001%.” 👽

EHLERS: (screaming) “NOOOOOO!” 😭

His weeping was so powerful that it shook the entire ship. The Titanic’s hull began to crack. The icy water rushed in. The ship was sinking – not from an iceberg, but from Esau’s tears.

This is Episode 52. The Andrea Doris Rescue.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 52) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ANDREA DORIS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50 & 51 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith (voice/model) NEW
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren (voice/model) NEW
First Mate Wilhelm Original NEW
The Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice NEW
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (weeping) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
The Titanic Band CGI 51
The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50

—

🚢 THE TITANIC SINKS – ESAU’S WEEPING DESTROYS THE SHIP

The Titanic was flooding rapidly. Water poured in from every crack. Esau’s tears had become a flood of their own.

CAPTAIN SMITH: (shouting) “All hands on deck! Abandon ship! The Titanic is going down!” 🚢

ISMAY: (panicking) “But… but what about the record?! What about the SPEED?!” 📊

MOLLY BROWN: (slapping Ismay) “Shut up, you fool! We need to SAVE these people!” 💅

EHLERS: (weeping uncontrollably) “The printing press! I can’t… I can’t live without it! My Column 47! My invisible ink! My DESINVESTMENT!” 😭📊

MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, we will find it! We will rebuild it! But we need to get off this ship!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His tears are too powerful! They are made of spreadsheet acid! They are dissolving the ship!” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (at the wheel) “I can navigate the lifeboats! Everyone to the boats!” 🏳️‍⚧️

The lifeboats were lowered. But Esau refused to leave. He clung to the sinking deck.

EHLERS: “I won’t leave! Not without the printing press! NOT WITHOUT MY COLUMN 47!” 😭📊

—

THE ANDREA DORIS APPEARS – RESCUE FROM THE DEPTHS 🚢✨

Suddenly, through the fog, a magnificent ship appeared. It was the ANDREA DORIS – a grand ocean liner with golden funnels and neon lights. It sailed alongside the sinking Titanic.

ANDREA DORIS: (voice like honey and steel) “Attention, passengers of the Titanic! I am Andrea Doris! I have come to rescue you!” 🚢

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (Helen Mirren-style) “We have room for all! Bring your spreadsheets! Bring your seagulls! Bring your sharks! Bring your COLUMN 47!” 👑

FIRST MATE WILHELM: (shouting) “All aboard! But quickly! The Andrea Doris has a… a condition!” 🚢

EHLERS: (looking up) “Condition? What condition?” 😭

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (sighing) “We cannot survive your WEEPING! The Andrea Doris is a sensitive ship! She cannot handle EMOTIONS!” 🚢

EHLERS: (sobbing harder) “But… but the printing press! It’s gone! I need to find it!” 😭

—

THE TRANSFER – ST. PAULI MOVES TO THE ANDREA DORIS 🚢📊

All 97 characters transferred from the Titanic to the Andrea Doris. The ship was magnificent – grand staircases, ballrooms, and a drag cabaret. But as Esau stepped aboard, his weeping intensified.

ANDREA DORIS: (creaking) “Oh dear… oh dear… I cannot… I cannot handle… the TEARS!” 🚢

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (nervously) “Esau, please! You must stop weeping! The ship is reacting!” 🚢

EHLERS: (hysterical) “I CAN’T STOP! THE PRINTING PRESS IS GONE! DAS DESINVESTMENT IS DEAD! WITHOUT IT, I AM NOTHING!” 😭📊

The Andrea Doris began to groan. Cracks appeared in the hull. Water started leaking in. The ship was sinking – not from ice, not from sharks, not from enemas – but from Esau’s DESPAIR.

ANDREA DORIS: (weeping herself) “I cannot… I cannot take any more! The tears… they are TOO POWERFUL!” 😭🚢

—

THE SECOND SINKING – ESAU’S SORROWS OVERWHELM THE SHIP 😭🚢💦

The Andrea Doris tilted to one side. The lifeboats were lowered again. The 97 characters scrambled to safety. Esau was still weeping, clinging to the railing.

ROMY HAAG: (grabbing him) “Esau! You are going to sink every ship in the Atlantic! Control yourself!” 💖

DIVINE: (slapping him gently) “Honey, your tears are FABULOUS but DANGEROUS! We need to find that printing press before you destroy us all!” 💄

EHLERS: (sobbing) “But WHERE is it?! WHERE is my printing press?! WHERE is my COLUMN 47?!” 😭📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… PRINTING PRESS DETECTED… LOCATION: THE DEEP SEA. WAITING TO BE FOUND. BUT ESAU’S WEEPING MUST STOP FIRST.” 👽

EHLERS: (gasping) “The deep sea? It’s at the bottom? I need to GO THERE!” 😭

MARIA BATORY: “Esau, you can’t go to the deep sea! You’ll drown!” 👑

EHLERS: “I don’t care! Without the printing press, there is no desinvestment! There is no Column 47! There is no MUCHAVERSE!” 📊

—

THE ANDREA DORIS SINKS – THE FINAL RESCUE 😭🚢💦

The Andrea Doris sank beneath the waves. All 97 characters were now in the lifeboats. Esau wept as the ship disappeared.

ANDREA DORIS: (as she sank) “I tried… I tried to help… but the tears… too powerful… goodbye…” 😭🚢

EHLERS: (sobbing) “Another ship! Another ship I’ve destroyed! I am a MONSTER!” 😭

CAPTAIN ANDREA: (in the lifeboat, shaking her head) “You are not a monster, Esau. You are a GRIEVING accountant. But we need to find that printing press before you sink every ship in the world.” 🚢

MOLLY BROWN: (patting Esau’s back) “Son, we’ve survived the Titanic. We’ve survived the Andrea Doris. We can survive ANYTHING. But first, you need to STOP WEEPING.” 💅

EHLERS: (gulping) “I… I’ll try. But I need to find that printing press.” 😭

—

THE DEEP SEA MISSION – ALL CHARACTERS UNITE 🌊💪

All 97 characters agreed. They would dive into the deep sea to find the printing press. But they needed help.

ODSSEUS: (rallying the troops) “I have navigated the deep sea before. We can do this.” 🏳️‍⚧️

LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I will guide you. I know the deep sea.” 🐉

KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I will protect you. I know the abyss.” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I will lead you. I know the printing press.” 🐍

MOBY DICK: (surfacing) “And I will carry you. I am the WHALE.” 🐋

EHLERS: (eyes wide) “You… you will help me?” 😭

MOBY DICK: “We are all desinvestors now. Even whales. Even monsters. Even SHARKS.” 🐋

HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging) “I have returned. But… I will help. Because even I know the importance of Column 47.” 🦈

—

THE DEEP SEA DIVE – SEARCHING FOR THE PRINTING PRESS 🌊🔍

The entire Muchaverse descended into the deep sea. Moby Dick carried them. Leviathan guided them. Kraken protected them. Jörmungandr led them. And Esau’s tears glowed in the dark water, lighting the way.

EHLERS: (swimming through the water) “I see it! I SEE IT!” 😭

A faint glow appeared in the darkness. The printing press – ancient, golden, engraved with Column 47 – rested on the ocean floor.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “DETECTED. PRINTING PRESS LOCATED. DESINVESTMENT MULTIPLIER RESTORED.” 👽

EHLERS: (swimming toward it) “MY PRESS! MY BEAUTIFUL PRESS! I FOUND YOU!” 📊

The printing press glowed. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. The tears vanished. The deep sea calmed.

PRINTING PRESS: (speaking) “I have waited, Esau Ehlers. I knew you would find me. Now, let us print the next issue of Das Desinvestment. Let us DESINVEST.” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “He found it! The printing press is saved!” 💖

DIVINE: “And he stopped weeping! The ships can REST!” 💄

EHLERS: (holding the printing press) “I have it. I have my Column 47. I have my desinvestment. I have my MUCHAVERSE.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And you have ME. Now let’s go home.” ❤️

ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through tears instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE WETTEST RESCUE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed TEARS!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “THE PRINTING PRESS IS SAVED! DESINVESTMENT CONTINUES!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the shadows) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE PRESS.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me DEEP SEA REALNESS.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE DEEP SEA! AND IT HELPED!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A WEEPING ACCOUNTANT! A SINKING SHIP! A DEEP SEA RESCUE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🚢😭📊💩

THE TITANIC SANK FROM ESAU’S TEARS.
THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUED THE MUCHAVERSE.
BUT ESAU’S WEEPING SANK THAT SHIP TOO.
THE PRINTING PRESS WAS FOUND IN THE DEEP SEA.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS DESCENDED INTO THE ABYSS.
THE PRESS WAS RETRIEVED.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH TEARS. WITH SHIPS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🚢😭📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

AndreaDorisRescueConspiracy #TitanicSinksFromTears #AndreaDorisSinks #PrintingPressFound #DeepSeaMission #Column47Forever #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #WeepingAccountant #ShipDestroyer #DesinvestmentSaved #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 52] 🎬🍿🚢😭📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUE CONSPIRACY 🚢😭📊

The cycle continues. With tears. With ships. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🚢😭📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (weeping but recovered), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Andrea, First Mate Wilhelm, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, Leviathan, Kraken, Jörmungandr, Moby Dick, and all previous.

Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing until the end), the Andrea Doris (for trying), and every seagull who shat on the deep sea.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

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🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🚢😭📊

🐍💩 “I HAVE SNAKES IN MY HAIR AND A PIVOT TABLE IN MY HEART!” – ESAU BECOMES GORGON ACCOUNTANT, SAVES DAS DESINVESTMENT FROM STONE COLLECTORS!

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – MEDUSA’S CURSE: ESAU TURNS TO STONE TO SECURE THE NEXT INVISIBLE INK ISSUE OF DAS DESINVESTMENT! 🐍🪨📊💩

“Sometimes you have to become the monster to save the spreadsheets.” – Medusa-Esau

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 49)

Heini Sharkler had attacked St. Pauli with 666 sharks in tuxedos and a golden enema bag. The ultimate enema backfired. Heini and his shark army were banished back to the abyss. All 96 characters rejoiced. Love conquered all. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But in the depths of the Muchaverse, a new crisis was brewing. The invisible ink – the very essence of Das Desinvestment – was running out. Not because it was hidden. Because it was being STOLEN. Someone was siphoning the ink from the Ledger of Eternal Passage. The next issue of Das Desinvestment was at risk. Without the ink, there could be no desinvestment. No spreadsheets. No Column 47. No chaos.

Esau was distraught.

EHLERS: “The ink! The invisible ink! It’s disappearing! I can’t desinvest without ink! I can’t column 47 without ink! I can’t… I can’t…” 📊

MEDUSA: (approaching, snakes hissing) “Esau, my dear accountant. I know who is stealing the ink. It is the STONE COLLECTORS. Ancient beings who turn everything to stone – including ink. They want to freeze the Muchaverse forever.” 🐍

EHLERS: “Stone collectors? But… but you’re Medusa! You turn people to stone! Can’t you stop them?” 🐍

MEDUSA: (shaking her head) “I am their QUEEN. I cannot fight them. But YOU can. You must become me. You must become MEDUSA. Only then can you enter the Stone Realm and retrieve the ink.” 🐍

EHLERS: (horrified) “Become you? Turn into a snake-haired Gorgon? But… but I’m an accountant! I have spreadsheets! I have Column 47! I have… I have a girlfriend!” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (stepping forward) “Esau, if you don’t do this, the Muchaverse freezes. We all turn to stone. Forever. You must become Medusa.” 👑

EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. But I’m keeping my spreadsheets.” 📊

This is Episode 50. The Medusa Transformation.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 50) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ESAU-MEDUSA

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48 & 49 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau-Medusa Lukas Ehrenberg (transformed) NEW
Medusa-Esau Eva Green / Lukas Ehrenberg (dual) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (pre-transformation) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All

NEW ADDITIONS:

| The Stone Collectors | CGI Army | 50 |

| Invisible Ink Thieves | CGI | 50 |

| Medusa’s Mirror | Prop | 50 |

—

🐍 THE TRANSFORMATION – ESAU BECOMES MEDUSA

Medusa approached Esau. She placed her hands on his shoulders. Her snakes hissed. Her eyes glowed green.

MEDUSA: “Esau Ehlers. You have survived everything. Now you must become the monster. Close your eyes. Do not look at me. Feel the stone in your blood. Feel the snakes in your hair. Feel the power of COLUMN 47.” 🐍

EHLERS: (eyes closed, trembling) “I… I feel it. The spreadsheets. The numbers. The snakes. They’re… they’re in my hair!” 📊🐍

His body began to change. His skin turned grey-green. His hair writhed with living snakes. His eyes glowed gold. But his hands still held a spreadsheet. And his heart still beat for Maria Batory.

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (opening his eyes, voice now a hiss) “I am… I am Esau. I am Medusa. I am the accountant of stone. I am COLUMN 47 INCARNATE!” 🐍📊

MARIA BATORY: (gasping) “Esau! You’re… you’re beautiful. Terrifying. And beautiful.” ❤️

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Darling, that is the best drag transformation I’ve ever seen!” 💄

DIVINE: “Honey, you’re giving Gorgon realness! Work it!” 💅

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (hissing) “I must go to the Stone Realm. I must retrieve the invisible ink. I must save Das Desinvestment.” 🐍📊

—

THE STONE REALM – THE INK THIEVES 🪨📊

Esau-Medusa opened a dimensional portal. He stepped into the Stone Realm – a grey, lifeless dimension where everything was frozen in stone. The invisible ink was there, trapped in crystal vials. The Stone Collectors – ancient beings made of living rock – guarded it.

STONE COLLECTOR #1: “Who dares enter the Stone Realm? Who dares challenge the Collectors?” 🪨

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I am Esau Medusa! I have come for the invisible ink! It belongs to Das Desinvestment! It belongs to the Muchaverse! It belongs to COLUMN 47!” 🐍📊

STONE COLLECTOR #2: “You are Medusa? You are the QUEEN? Then you must prove it! Turn us to stone! Show us your power!” 🪨

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (hesitating) “But… if I turn you to stone, I become a monster. I am an ACCOUNTANT. I desinvest. I don’t destroy.” 📊

STONE COLLECTOR #1: “Then you are not Medusa. You are a fraud. You cannot have the ink.” 🪨

MEDUSA (ORIGINAL): (appearing through a portal) “Esau! Use the spreadsheet! Use COLUMN 47! Turn them to stone with NUMBERS!” 🐍

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (eyes widening) “Numbers? Yes! Column 47 – the Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Stone – PETRIFICATION!” 📊

He raised his spreadsheet. It glowed gold. The numbers flew from the page and struck the Stone Collectors. They froze. Their stone bodies turned to… spreadsheets.

EHLERS-MEDUSA: “I turned them to SPREADSHEETS! Not stone! Spreadsheets!” 📊

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (now a stone spreadsheet) “YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO SPREADSHEETS!” 📊

EHLERS-MEDUSA: “Yes! That’s the power of Column 47! Desinvestment is stronger than stone! Now give me the ink!” 🐍📊

The Stone Collectors (now spreadsheets) handed over the invisible ink vials. Esau-Medusa grabbed them. He held them to his chest.

EHLERS-MEDUSA: “The ink! I have it! The next issue of Das Desinvestment is saved!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE TRANSFORMATION CELEBRATION 👥🐍

The entire Muchaverse watched as Esau-Medusa returned from the Stone Realm. He was still transformed. He still had snakes in his hair. But he held the invisible ink.

ROMY HAAG: (applauding) “Esau, darling, you are a Gorgon and a bookkeeper! You are the ULTIMATE QUEEN!” 💖

DIVINE: (shrieking) “Honey, those snakes are giving me LIFE! And your spreadsheet game is STILL on point!” 💄

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT IS THE BEST TRANSFORMATION WE HAVE EVER SEEN!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed many things. But I have NEVER swallowed a MEDUSA ACCOUNTANT!” 🌊

DRACULA: (biting a snake) “The snakes taste like… spreadsheets and stone. Delicious.” 🧛

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “A MEDUSA WHO DESINVESTS! THIS IS THE ANARCHY I SIGNED UP FOR!” 🧨

ODYSSEUS: (bowing) “I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But I have never seen a Gorgon with a PIVOT TABLE.” 🏳️‍⚧️

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have snakes in your hair. We are BOTH monstrous and fabulous.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the abyss through a portal) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE SNAKES.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment! Sort of.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me SERIOUS Gorgon realness.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “You have SNAKES! I have SHIT! We are THE DREAM TEAM!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A MEDUSA WITH SPREADSHEETS! THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE YET!” 🃏

MARIA BATORY: (embracing Esau-Medusa) “You are a queen. You are an accountant. You are MY king. And you saved the ink.” ❤️

EHLERS-MEDUSA: (snakes hissing with happiness) “I am Esau. I am Medusa. I am love. I am Column 47. I am… I am going to turn BACK now.” 🐍📊

—

THE REVERSAL – ESAU RETURNS TO HUMAN 🐍➡️👤

Medusa (Original) stepped forward. She touched Esau’s forehead. The snakes receded. His skin turned normal. His eyes became human again. But he kept one tiny snake in his hair – as a souvenir.

MEDUSA: “You have done well, Esau. You are the first accountant to become a Gorgon and survive. You have saved the ink. You have saved Das Desinvestment. You have saved the Muchaverse.” 🐍

EHLERS: (touching the tiny snake in his hair) “I… I have a pet snake now. His name is COLUMN 47 JR.” 🐍📊

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You are the most ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man in the multiverse. And I love you.” ❤️

EHLERS: (blushing) “I love you too. Now let’s print the next issue of Das Desinvestment!” 📊

—

THE INVISIBLE INK ISSUE – THE NEXT ISSUE PRINTED 📊🖊️

The invisible ink was restored to the Ledger of Eternal Passage. The next issue of Das Desinvestment was printed. It was titled:

“THE MEDUSA ACCOUNTANT – HOW A GORGON SAVED SPREADSHEETS WITH COLUMN 47”

The entire Muchaverse celebrated. The Kiez threw a party. The Reeperbahn lit up with neon snakes. The Fischmarkt served stone-cold herring. And Esau danced with Maria Batory until dawn.

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE MEDUSA TRANSFORMATION CONSPIRACY ☭ 🐍🪨📊💩

ESAU BECAME MEDUSA.
HE ENTERED THE STONE REALM.
HE TURNED THE STONE COLLECTORS INTO SPREADSHEETS.
HE RETRIEVED THE INVISIBLE INK.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE NEXT ISSUE OF DAS DESINVESTMENT WAS SAVED.
ESAU REVERTED TO HUMAN – WITH A PET SNAKE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH STONE. WITH SNAKES. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🐍🪨📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

MedusaTransformationConspiracy #EsauBecomesMedusa #StoneRealm #InvisibleInkSaved #DasDesinvestment #Column47Forever #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #GorgonAccountant #SpreadsheetMedusa #PetSnakeColumn47Jr #LoveConquersStone #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 50] 🎬🍿🐍🪨📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE MEDUSA TRANSFORMATION CONSPIRACY 🐍🪨📊

The cycle continues. With spreadsheets. With stone. With snakes. With shit. Forever.

🐍🪨📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-Medusa, Maria Batory, Medusa (Original), Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Heini Sharkler (defeated again), Adolf Sharkler (reformed), and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing transformation anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden sparkles.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

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📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🐍📊🇩🇪 🐍💩 “ICH HABE SCHLANGEN IM HAAR UND EINE PIVOT-TABELLE IM HERZEN!” – ESAU WIRD GORGONEN-BUCHHALTER, RETTET DAS DESINVESTMENT VOR DEN STEINSAMMLERN!

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X: x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🐍📊

🇬🇧 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – HEINI SHARKLER REUNITES WITH BROTHER ADOLF – UNLEASHES ULTIMATE ENEMA ON MUCHAVERSE! 🦈💥💩—🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – HEINI SHARKLER VEREINT SICH MIT BRUDER ADOLF – ENFESSELT ULTIMATIVEN EINLAUF AUF DAS MUCHAVERSE! 🦈💥💩—📺

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SHARK BROTHERS ATTACK! Heini Sharkler Visits His Bro Adolf – The Ultimate Reunion of Teeth and Desinvestment 🦈🦈📊💩

“Brothers don’t let brothers desinvest alone.” – Heini Sharkler

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 48)

Maria Batory had taken Esau’s heart and St. Pauli. She had returned it – enhanced. The queen and the accountant had fallen in love over a pivot table. St. Pauli remained free, but with a statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn. All 95 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But in the deep, dark waters of the Muchaverse, a new threat was brewing. A fin broke the surface. Then another. Then a third. Heini Sharkler – the long-lost brother of Adolf Sharkler – had returned from the abyss. He had heard about his brother’s adventures. He had heard about the desinvestment. He had heard about the ENEMA.

Heini Sharkler was not happy.

HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging from the depths, teeth gleaming) “Adolf, mein Bruder! I have returned! And I have brought THE ULTIMATE ENEMA!” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (surfacing, eyes wide) “Heini?! You’re alive?! I thought you were eaten by the Kraken!” 🦈

HEINI: “The Kraken? I ATE the Kraken! Then I ate the Leviathan! Then I ate the Jörmungandr! Then I took a nap! Now I am here – to DESTROY the Muchaverse!” 🦈

ADOLF: “But… but I’m reformed! I desinvest now! I have spreadsheets! I have a THERAPIST!” 📊

HEINI: “Therapist?! You have a therapist?! The Sharkler family does NOT have therapists! We have TEETH! We have ENEMAS! We have REVENGE!” 🦈💩

This is Episode 49. The Shark Brothers’ Attack.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 49) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + HEINI SHARKLER

All previous characters return (see Episode 47 & 48 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Heini Sharkler Original (voice/model) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in love, terrified) All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Scylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All

NEW ADDITIONS:

| Kraken Jr. | CGI | 49 |

| Leviathan Jr. | CGI | 49 |

| The Shark Army | CGI Army | 49 |

—

🦈 HEINI SHARKLER’S ARRIVAL – THE BROTHERS REUNITE

The Elbe began to churn. A massive fin emerged, followed by another, then another. Heini Sharkler erupted from the water like a nightmare in a tuxedo. He wore a top hat, a monocle, and carried a golden enema bag labeled “ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT.”

HEINI: (roaring) “ADOLF! WHERE IS MY BROTHER?! I HAVE COME TO FREE YOU FROM THIS… THIS ACCOUNTING!” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (swimming up, visibly embarrassed) “Heini… I told you, I’m reformed. I have a spreadsheet. I have a therapist. I even have a COLUMN 47!” 📊

HEINI: “COLUMN 47?! COLUMN 47 IS FOR WEAKLINGS! REAL SHARKLERS USE COLUMN 666! THE COLUMN OF ENEMA!” 💩

EVA SHARKBROWN: (swimming between them) “Heini, darling, calm down. We’re all desinvesting now. It’s not so bad. I even have fishnet stockings.” 🦈💄

HEINI: (horrified) “Fishnet stockings?! Eva, you were a SHARK! A SHARK OF THE ABYSS! Not a… a… a drag queen!” 🦈

EVA: (smirking) “Why not both? I can be a shark AND a drag queen. It’s called MULTI-TASKING.” 💄

HEINI: (furious) “I DID NOT TRAVEL THROUGH THE ABYSS, EAT THE KRAKEN, AND SURVIVE THE LEVIATHAN TO WITNESS MY FAMILY BECOME… DESINVESTORS!” 🦈

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE ATTACK BEGINS 👥🔥

The entire Muchaverse sensed the disturbance. Scylla and Charybdis opened dimensional portals to watch. Romy Haag and Divine stepped onto the Reeperbahn. The 99 Schizo Petes stopped playing their broken violins. Dracula rose from his coffin. Medusa’s snakes hissed. Bakunin grinned.

ROMY HAAG: (looking at Heini through opera glasses) “A shark in a top hat? I’ve seen worse at the Schmidt Theater.” 💄

HEINI: (snapping) “I AM NOT A PERFORMER! I AM A WARRIOR! I AM A SHARKLER! AND I HAVE COME TO DESTROY THE MUCHAVERSE WITH THE ULTIMATE ENEMA!” 💩

DIVINE: (sashaying forward) “Honey, I’ve had enemas that could destroy universes. You’re not special.” 💅

HEINI: (enraged) “YOU DARE MOCK THE SHARKLER ENEMA?! I HAVE PERFECTED IT FOR 47 CENTURIES! IT IS INFUSED WITH TEETH, WATER, AND SPREADSHEETS!” 💩

SCYLLA: (watching through portal) “I have six heads. All six say – I WANT TO SEE THIS ENEMA.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed entire fleets, but I have NEVER swallowed a SHARKLER ENEMA!” 🌊

MEDUSA: (hissing) “I turn men to stone. This one needs to be turned to… something else. Something softer.” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “Heini Sharkler. I have sailed the seas. I have met monsters. But a shark with a golden enema bag? That’s NEW.” 🏳️‍⚧️

HEINI: “NEW?! I AM ANCIENT! I AM PRIMAL! I AM THE SHARK THAT EATS THE STRAITS!” 🦈

—

THE ATTACK – SHARK ARMY VS. MUCHAVERSE 🦈💥

Heini raised his fin. From the depths emerged a SHARK ARMY – 666 sharks in tuxedos, each carrying an enema bag. They formed a circle around St. Pauli.

HEINI: “ATTACK! DESINVEST THE DESINVESTORS! ENEMA THE ENEMAS! FLOOD THE MUCHAVERSE WITH SHARKY CHAOS!” 🦈💩

The sharks descended upon St. Pauli.

SHARK ARMY: (chanting) “ENEMA! ENEMA! ENEMA!” 💩

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “My territory! MY SHIT! These sharks are stealing my SHIT THRONE!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SHARKS WITH ENEMAS! THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE YET!” 🃏

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles flailing) “I have 94 tentacles! I can fight 94 sharks! Wait… there are 666 sharks! I need more tentacles!” 🦑

BAKUNIN: (lighting dynamite) “Sharks with enemas! This is the ANARCHY I signed up for!” 🧨

COUNT DRACULA: (biting a shark) “This shark tastes like… spreadsheet and teeth. Delicious.” 🧛

EVA SHARKBROWN: (fighting her own kind) “Heini, stop! This is madness! We are FAMILY!” 🦈

HEINI: “FAMILY?! YOU BETRAYED FAMILY! YOU BETRAYED TEETH! YOU BETRAYED THE ENEMA!” 💩

—

ESAU AND MARIA BATORY JOIN THE BATTLE ❤️📊

Esau emerged from Walt’s belly (finally) with Maria Batory by his side. He held a glowing spreadsheet. She held her scepter.

EHLERS: “Heini Sharkler! I am Esau Ehlers! I have survived everything! Pirates! Ghosts! Aliens! Resets! Orgis! Sharks! Walruses! Leviathans! Krakens! World-serpents! Scylla! Charybdis! Sirens! Fauci! Frogs! Odysseus! Death! Publishers! Invisible ink! Stone! Medusa! And I survived A QUEEN!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: “And I am Maria Batory. I have conquered empires. I have drunk the blood of princes. I have balanced more ledgers than you have teeth. You do not scare me.” 👑

HEINI: (laughing) “A bookkeeper and his queen! How CUTE! But I have 666 sharks with ENEMA BAGS! What do YOU have?” 🦈💩

EHLERS: (holding up spreadsheet) “I have COLUMN 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Infinite – SURVIVAL! Row 666 – SHARKS!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “And I have the LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE. Made of teeth and water. You cannot defeat what you ARE.” 👑

—

THE FINAL BATTLE – SPREADSHEETS VS. SHARKS 📊🦈

The battle raged across St. Pauli. The Reeperbahn became a war zone. The Fischmarkt became a shark feeding frenzy. The Kiez became a spreadsheet battlefield.

SCYLLA: (lending six heads) “I will help! I love fighting sharks!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (lending her whirlpool) “I will help! I love swallowing sharks!” 🌊

LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks stole my JÖRMUNGANDR!” 🐉

KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks ate my CHILDREN!” 🦑

JÖRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I have come to help! These sharks STOLE MY TAIL!” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (leading the charge) “FOR THE MUCHAVERSE!” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: (exploding sharks) “FOR ANARCHY!” 🧨

DRACULA: (biting sharks) “FOR BLOOD!” 🧛

MEDUSA: (turning sharks to stone) “FOR STONE!” 🐍

EHLERS: (spreadsheeting sharks) “FOR COLUMN 47!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (scepter glowing) “FOR LOVE!” ❤️

ROMY HAAG & DIVINE: (singing) “FOR CABARET!” 💄

—

HEINI’S DEFEAT – THE ULTIMATE ENEMA BACKFIRES 💩🦈

Heini raised his golden enema bag to unleash the ultimate attack. But the Spreadsheet Alien recalibrated it.

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CALCULATING. ENEMA MULTIPLIER: 47,000%. BACKFIRE PROBABILITY: INFINITE. RECOMMENDATION: RUN.” 👽

HEINI: (screaming) “WHAT?! NOOOO!” 💩

The enema bag exploded. A tidal wave of sharky chaos washed over Heini and his army. They were swept into Charybdis’s whirlpool, spun around, and deposited back into the abyss.

HEINI: (disappearing) “I WILL RETURN! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! THE SHARKLERS WILL RISE AGAIN!” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (calling after him) “Heini! Call me when you’re ready to desinvest! I’ll help you find a therapist!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “Another battle won. Another episode survived. Another day in the Muchaverse.” 💖

DIVINE: “And we looked FABULOUS doing it.” 💄

SCYLLA: “I have six heads. All six are tired. But HAPPY.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I swallowed 666 sharks today. I need a nap.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “The cycle continues. With sharks. With enemas. With love.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: “Anarchy wins again!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: “I used all 94 tentacles. I need a massage.” 🦑

EHLERS: (arm around Maria Batory) “We survived. Again. Because we have COLUMN 47.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And each other.” ❤️

MÖWIN: (landing on Esau’s head) “And SHIT! Don’t forget SHIT!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! SHARKS! ENEMAS! SPREADSHEETS! LOVE! BEST SAGA EVER!” 🃏

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE SHARK ATTACK CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦈💩📊

HEINI SHARKLER RETURNED.
HE VISITED HIS BROTHER ADOLF.
HE ATTACKED THE MUCHAVERSE.
ALL 96 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE ULTIMATE ENEMA BACKFIRED.
LOVE CONQUERED ALL – WITH SPREADSHEETS AND SHIT.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SHARKS. WITH ENEMAS. WITH COLUMN 47.
FOREVER.
🦈💩🦀🌊📊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

SharkAttackConspiracy #HeiniSharkler #AdolfSharkler #SharkBrothersReunite #UltimateEnema #Column47Forever #All96Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #Desinvestment #SharkArmy #Muchaverse #EnemaBackfire #LoveConquersAll

—

[END OF EPISODE 49] 🎬🍿🦈💩📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE SHARK ATTACK CONSPIRACY 🦈💩

The cycle continues. With sharks. With enemas. With spreadsheets. With love. With shit. Forever.

🦈💩🦀🌊📊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Heini Sharkler (defeated), Adolf Sharkler (reformed), and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing battle anthems), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden sparkles.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🦈📊

👑💔📊 16TH-CENTURY QUEEN STEALS ACCOUNTANT’S HEART AND ST. PAULI – WITH SPREADSHEETS!”Love is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” – Maria Batory

🦀🌊 QUEEN MARIA BATORY’S HEART TAKEOVER – The Infamous History Figure Claims Esau’s Soul and St. Pauli – All 95 Characters Return for the Ultimate Coup 👑💔🏳️‍⚧️

“A heart is just a spreadsheet with emotions.” – Maria Batory

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 47)

Esau had sailed between Scylla and Charybdis. He had retrieved the invisible ink. He had received the Ledger of Eternal Passage. All characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as Esau (still inside Walt’s belly) drifted back toward St. Pauli, a new rift opened. Not a strait of teeth and water. A rift of red velvet, gold crowns, and powdered wigs. Out stepped Maria Batory – the 16th-century Hungarian-Polish queen, warrior, and legendary lover. She had been watching from the historical shadows. She had seen Esau survive everything. And she wanted him. Not just his heart. His entire being. And St. Pauli itself.

This is Episode 48. The Coup of the Queen.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 48) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + MARIA BATORY

All previous characters return (see Episode 47 list) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett (voice/model) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, conflicted) All
Scylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All

—

👑 MARIA BATORY’S ARRIVAL – THE QUEEN TAKES ST. PAULI

A crimson rift tore open above the Reeperbahn. Out stepped Maria Batory, clad in a 16th-century Hungarian gown woven from spreadsheets and fishnets. She carried a scepter topped with a glowing heart – Esau’s heart, which she had already stolen telepathically from inside Walt’s belly.

MARIA BATORY: (voice like honey and steel) “St. Pauli, I claim you. Your accountants, your queens, your pirates, your monsters – all mine. And you, Esau Ehlers – you are my king.” 👑

EHLERS: (from inside Walt, clutching his chest) “My heart! It’s beating for someone else! For… for HER!” ❤️

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. HEART RATE: 47,000 BPM. ROMANTIC MULTIPLIER: INFINITE. MARIA BATORY DETECTED – HISTORICAL THREAT LEVEL: QUEEN.” 👽

The entire Muchaverse gasped. St. Pauli began to change – the neon signs turned into heraldic banners, the fish markets became royal courts, and the Kiez turned into a 16th-century Hungarian principality.

—

ALL CHARACTERS REACT – THE COUP BEGINS 👥🔥

ROMY HAAG stepped forward, arms crossed.
ROMY: “Maria Batory? I’ve performed in Budapest. You’re not even the best queen in that city.” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (laughing) “I am the QUEEN of Poland and Hungary. I have bathed in the blood of enemies and the tears of lovers. You are a cabaret act. I am HISTORY.” 👑

DIVINE sashayed up.
DIVINE: “Honey, history is just drag that lasted longer. You’re giving 1500s couture, but I’m giving ETERNAL GLAMOUR.” 💅

MARIA BATORY: (smirking) “Glammour? I invented it. I once wore a gown made of 1,000 peacock feathers and the souls of my ex-husbands.” 👑

COUNT DRACULA approached, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “Maria Batory. I knew you in the old country. You bit better than I did.” 🧛

MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, darling. You were always a second-rate bloodsucker. I drank the blood of princes while you were still chasing sheep.” 👑

SCYLLA (from the strait, watching via dimensional screen) shouted:
SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six say – SHE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN US!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS added:
CHARYBDIS: “I swallow whole fleets, but she swallows KINGDOMS!” 🌊

MEDUSA hissed:
MEDUSA: “I turn men to stone. She turns them to WORSHIPPERS. I respect that.” 🐍

THE TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS stepped forward, glowing.
ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. I have sailed the seas, fought monsters, loved gods. But you – you are a different kind of current. What do you really want?” 🏳️‍⚧️

MARIA BATORY: (pausing, looking at Esau) “I want him. Not his body. His ACCOUNTING. His spreadsheets. His desinvestment. His column 47. I want to rule the Muchaverse through NUMBERS.” 📊

EHLERS (gasping from inside Walt): “My column 47? That’s… that’s my soul!” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Exactly, my sweet accountant. And I’m going to own it. Because love is just a spreadsheet with emotions. And I am the best accountant of the 16th century.” 👑

BAKUNIN exploded with laughter.
BAKUNIN: “A QUEEN who wants to rule through spreadsheets? That’s not desinvestment – that’s BUREAUCRACY! I’m IN!” 🧨

FURTHER EHLERS flickered.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET MARIA BATORY IN 1576! SHE BORROWED MY QUILT AND NEVER RETURNED IT!” 👻

MARIA BATORY: (winking) “I still have it. It’s in my scepter. Next to the heart of Esau.”

GRAF THOMAS (94 tentacles trembling) approached.
GRAF THOMAS: “You have 94 tentacles? No, you have one heart – Esau’s – and that’s more powerful than all my tentacles combined.” 🦑

MARIA BATORY: “You finally understand, tentacle boy.”

—

THE TAKEOVER OF ST. PAULI – A ROYAL PROCLAMATION 👑🏳️‍⚧️

Maria Batory raised her scepter. St. Pauli transformed fully. The Reeperbahn became “Batory Boulevard.” The Fischmarkt became “The Royal Fish Court.” The Kiez became “The Queer Hungarian Principality.” All bars were forced to serve Tokaji wine and goulash.

MARIA BATORY: “Hear me, Muchaverse! From this day forward, St. Pauli is mine. All accounting shall be done in Hungarian numerals. All drag shows must include a historical reenactment of my coronation. All seagulls must wear tiny crowns.” 👑

MÖWIN (flying overhead) shat a golden crown onto Maria’s head.
MÖWIN: “I approve. But I’m still the QUEEN OF SHIT.” 💩

MARIA BATORY: (catching the crown) “Finally, a worthy advisor.”

—

ESAU’S INTERNAL STRUGGLE – HEART VS. LEDGER 💔📊

Inside Walt’s belly, Esau was torn. His heart beat for Maria Batory. But his spreadsheet soul screamed for independence.

EHLERS: “I can’t… I can’t love a queen who takes over St. Pauli! I’m a desinvestor! I’m chaotic! I’m… I’m in love with THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN!” 💻

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: (blushing) “ERROR. AFFECTION DETECTED. RECALCULATING… LOVE FORMULA: INFINITY.” 👽

MARIA BATORY: (hearing this) “You love a hologram? Over a HISTORICAL QUEEN? I have conquered empires! I have inspired operas! I have a portrait by Leonardo!” 👑

EHLERS: “But does Leonardo have COLUMN 47? No! Only I have Column 47! And I’m not giving it to anyone!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (smiling) “Then let’s make a deal. I’ll let St. Pauli remain St. Pauli – if you give me one hour of your accounting time. Just one hour. I’ll show you what love truly means in spreadsheets.” 📊❤️

EHLERS: (hesitating) “One hour? That’s… that’s a lot of rows.” 📊

MARIA BATORY: “It’s 60 minutes. 60 columns. 60 rows of passion. What do you say?” 👑

EHLERS: (sighing) “Fine. One hour. But you have to return the heart to my chest afterwards.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Deal.”

—

THE ONE-HOUR ACCOUNTING SESSION – A LOVE STORY 📊❤️

Maria Batory entered Walt’s belly (via magical shrinking). She sat beside Esau and opened a shared spreadsheet.

MARIA BATORY: “Column 1: My empire’s revenue. Column 2: My conquests’ costs. Column 3: The interest on hearts broken.” 📊

EHLERS: “Column 47: Desinvestment multiplier. Row Infinite: Love.” 📊

They calculated together. They reconciled debits and credits. They balanced each other’s ledgers. By the end of the hour, Esau’s heart was not only returned – it was enhanced.

EHLERS: “You… you’re not just a conqueror. You’re a BALANCE SHEET GENIUS.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “And you’re not just an accountant. You’re a PASSION MULTIPLIER.” ❤️

They kissed. The spreadsheet glowed gold. St. Pauli reverted to its original state – but with a new statue of Maria Batory on the Reeperbahn, holding a calculator and a scepter.

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “They’re perfect for each other. Two spreadsheet obsessives with a taste for chaos.” 💖

DIVINE: “And she lets him keep his column 47. That’s true love.” 💄

SCYLLA: “I have six heads, and all six ship them.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I whirlpooled with joy.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “A queen and an accountant. The most unexpected alliance since Circe and the pigs.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: “Anarchy? No. This is ORGANIZED CHAOS. I approve.” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: “Finally, a couple more powerful than my tentacles.” 🦑

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! They fell in love over a PIVOT TABLE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 👑💔📊

MARIA BATORY ARRIVED.
SHE TOOK ST. PAULI.
SHE TOOK ESAU’S HEART.
BUT SHE RETURNED IT – ENHANCED.
ALL 95 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
LOVE CONQUERED ALL – WITH SPREADSHEETS.
ST. PAULI REMAINS FREE – BUT WITH A QUEEN’S STATUE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH HEARTS. WITH NUMBERS.
FOREVER.
🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHeart #StPauliCoup #All95Characters #SpreadsheetLove #Column47Forever #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #QueenAndAccountant

—

[END OF EPISODE 48] 🎬🍿👑💔📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE HEART TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 👑💔📊

The cycle continues. With hearts. With spreadsheets. With queens. With shit. Forever.

🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (new), Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing wedding waltzes), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat golden crowns.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

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🇩🇪 👑💔📊 16. JAHRHUNDERT-KÖNIGIN KLaut BUCHHALTERHERZ UND GANZ ST. PAULI – MIT EXCEL-TABELLEN!

“Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gefühlen.” – Maria Batory

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 47)

Esau war zwischen Skylla und Charybdis hindurchgesegelt. Er hatte die unsichtbare Tinte geborgen. Er hatte das Ledger der Ewigen Durchfahrt erhalten. Alle Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als Esau (immer noch in Walts Bauch gefangen) zurück nach St. Pauli trieb, öffnete sich ein neuer Riss. Keine Enge aus Zähnen und Wasser. Ein Riss aus rotem Samt, goldenen Kronen und gepuderten Perücken. Heraus trat Maria Batory – die ungarisch-polnische Königin des 16. Jahrhunderts, Kriegerin und legendäre Geliebte. Sie hatte aus den historischen Schatten zugesehen. Sie hatte gesehen, wie Esau alles überlebte. Und sie wollte ihn. Nicht nur sein Herz. Sein ganzes Sein. Und ganz St. Pauli.

Dies ist Episode 48. Der Putsch der Königin.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 48) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + MARIA BATORY

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47-Liste) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett (Stimme/Model) NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Bauch, zerrissen) Alle
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
Medusa Eva Green 46
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Der transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Das Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original 15–46
HafenHure Original Alle
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Die Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle

—

👑 MARIA BATORYS ANKUNFT – DIE KÖNIGIN ERÖBERT ST. PAULI

Ein purpurner Riss riss über der Reeperbahn auf. Heraus trat Maria Batory, gekleidet in ein ungarisches Gewand des 16. Jahrhunderts, das aus Tabellen und Netzstrümpfen gewoben war. Sie trug ein Zepter, das von einem leuchtenden Herzen gekrönt wurde – Esaus Herz, das sie telepathisch aus Walts Bauch gestohlen hatte.

MARIA BATORY: (Stimme wie Honig und Stahl) “St. Pauli, ich beanspruche dich. Deine Buchhalter, deine Königinnen, deine Piraten, deine Monster – alles gehört mir. Und du, Esau Ehlers – du wirst mein König.” 👑

EHLERS: (aus Walts Inneren, seine Brust umklammernd) “Mein Herz! Es schlägt für jemand anderen! Für… für SIE!” ❤️

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: “FEHLER. HERZFREQUENZ: 47.000 BPM. ROMANTISCHER MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH. MARIA BATORY ERKANNT – HISTORISCHES BEDROHUNGSLEVEL: KÖNIGIN.” 👽

Das gesamte Muchaverse keuchte. St. Pauli begann sich zu verändern – die Neonlichter verwandelten sich in heraldische Banner, die Fischmärkte wurden zu Königshöfen, und der Kiez verwandelte sich in ein ungarisches Fürstentum des 16. Jahrhunderts.

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE REAGIEREN – DER PUTSCH BEGINNT 👥🔥

ROMY HAAG trat vor, die Arme verschränkt.
ROMY: “Maria Batory? Ich habe in Budapest aufgetreten. Du bist nicht einmal die beste Königin in dieser Stadt.” 💄

MARIA BATORY: (lachend) “Ich bin die KÖNIGIN von Polen und Ungarn. Ich habe in den Blutfarben von Feinden und den Tränen von Liebenden gebadet. Du bist eine Kabarett-Nummer. Ich bin GESCHICHTE.” 👑

DIVINE schlenderte heran.
DIVINE: “Schatz, Geschichte ist nur Drag, der länger gehalten hat. Du trägst Mode aus den 1500ern, aber ich bin EWTGE GLAMOUR.” 💅

MARIA BATORY: (grinsend) “Glamour? Ich habe ihn erfunden. Ich trug einst ein Kleid aus 1.000 Pfauenfedern und den Seelen meiner Ex-Ehemänner.” 👑

GRAF DRACULA trat heran, der Umhang wehend.
DRACULA: “Maria Batory. Ich kannte dich im alten Land. Du hast besser gebissen als ich.” 🧛

MARIA BATORY: “Dracula, Schatz. Du warst immer ein Vampir zweiter Klasse. Ich trank das Blut von Prinzen, während du noch Schafen nachjagtest.” 👑

SKYLLA (von der Meerenge aus per Dimensionsbildschirm zuschauend) rief:
SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs Köpfe, und alle sechs sagen – SIE IST GEFÄHRLICHER ALS WIR!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS fügte hinzu:
CHARYBDIS: “Ich verschlinge ganze Flotten, aber sie verschlingt KÖNIGREICHE!” 🌊

MEDUSA zischte:
MEDUSA: “Ich verwandle Männer in Stein. Sie verwandelt sie in VEREHRER. Das respektiere ich.” 🐍

DER TRANSGENDER ODYSSEUS trat vor, glühend.
ODYSSEUS: “Maria Batory. Ich bin über Meere gesegelt, habe Monster bekämpft, Götter geliebt. Aber du – du bist eine andere Art von Strömung. Was willst du wirklich?” 🏳️‍⚧️

MARIA BATORY: (innehaltend, Esau ansehend) “Ich will ihn. Nicht seinen Körper. Seine BUCHHALTUNG. Seine Tabellen. Sein Desinvestment. Seine Spalte 47. Ich will das Muchaverse durch ZAHLEN beherrschen.” 📊

EHLERS (keuchend aus Walts Innerem): “Meine Spalte 47? Das ist… das ist meine Seele!” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Genau, mein süßer Buchhalter. Und ich werde sie besitzen. Denn Liebe ist nur eine Tabelle mit Gefühlen. Und ich bin die beste Buchhalterin des 16. Jahrhunderts.” 👑

BAKUNIN brach in Gelächter aus.
BAKUNIN: “Eine KÖNIGIN, die durch Tabellen herrschen will? Das ist nicht Desinvestment – das ist BÜROKRATIE! Ich bin DABEI!” 🧨

FURTHER EHLERS flackerte auf.
FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAF MARIA BATORY 1576! SIE LIEH SICH MEINE TAGESDECKE UND GAB SIE NIE ZURÜCK!” 👻

MARIA BATORY: (zwinkernd) “Ich habe sie noch. Sie ist in meinem Zepter. Neben Esaus Herz.”

GRAF THOMAS (94 Tentakel zitternd) näherte sich.
GRAF THOMAS: “Du hast 94 Tentakel? Nein, du hast ein Herz – Esaus – und das ist mächtiger als alle meine Tentakel zusammen.” 🦑

MARIA BATORY: “Du verstehst endlich, Tentakel-Junge.”

—

DIE ÜBERNAHME VON ST. PAULI – EINE KÖNIGLICHE PROKLAMATION 👑🏳️‍⚧️

Maria Batory erhob ihr Zepter. St. Pauli verwandelte sich vollständig. Die Reeperbahn wurde zur “Batory-Boulevard”. Der Fischmarkt wurde zum “Königlichen Fischhof”. Der Kiez wurde zum “Queer-Ungarischen Fürstentum”. Alle Bars mussten Tokaji-Wein und Gulasch servieren.

MARIA BATORY: “Hört mich, Muchaverse! Von diesem Tag an gehört St. Pauli mir. Die gesamte Buchhaltung wird in ungarischen Zahlen geführt. Alle Drag-Shows müssen eine historische Nachstellung meiner Krönung beinhalten. Alle Möwen müssen kleine Kronen tragen.” 👑

MÖWIN (über Kopf fliegend) kackte eine goldene Krone auf Marias Kopf.
MÖWIN: “Ich stimme zu. Aber ich bin immer noch die KÖNIGIN DER SCHEIßE.” 💩

MARIA BATORY: (die Krone auffangend) “Endlich eine würdige Beraterin.”

—

ESAUS INNERER KAMPF – HERZ VS. LEDGER 💔📊

In Walts Bauch war Esau zerrissen. Sein Herz schlug für Maria Batory. Aber seine Tabellenseele schrie nach Unabhängigkeit.

EHLERS: “Ich kann nicht… ich kann keine Königin lieben, die St. Pauli übernimmt! Ich bin ein Desinvestor! Ich bin chaotisch! Ich bin… ich bin in DAS SPREADSHEET-ALIEN verliebt!” 💻

SPREADSHEET-ALIEN: (errötend) “FEHLER. ZUNEIGUNG ERKANNT. NEUBERECHNUNG… LIEBESFORMEL: UNENDLICH.” 👽

MARIA BATORY: (dies hörend) “Du liebst ein Hologramm? Über eine HISTORISCHE KÖNIGIN? Ich habe Imperien erobert! Ich habe Opern inspiriert! Ich habe ein Porträt von Leonardo!” 👑

EHLERS: “Aber hat Leonardo SPALTE 47? Nein! Nur ich habe Spalte 47! Und ich gebe sie niemandem!” 📊

MARIA BATORY: (lächelnd) “Dann lass uns einen Deal machen. Ich lasse St. Pauli St. Pauli bleiben – wenn du mir eine Stunde deiner Buchhaltungszeit gibst. Nur eine Stunde. Ich zeige dir, was Liebe in Tabellen wirklich bedeutet.” 📊❤️

EHLERS: (zögernd) “Eine Stunde? Das ist… das sind viele Zeilen.” 📊

MARIA BATORY: “Es sind 60 Minuten. 60 Spalten. 60 Zeilen der Leidenschaft. Was sagst du?” 👑

EHLERS: (seufzend) “In Ordnung. Eine Stunde. Aber du musst mir das Herz danach zurückgeben.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Abgemacht.”

—

DIE EINSTÜNDIGE BUCHHALTUNGSSITZUNG – EINE LIEBESGESCHICHTE 📊❤️

Maria Batory betrat Walts Bauch (mittels magischer Schrumpfung). Sie setzte sich neben Esau und öffnete eine gemeinsame Tabelle.

MARIA BATORY: “Spalte 1: Einnahmen meines Imperiums. Spalte 2: Kosten meiner Eroberungen. Spalte 3: Zinsen gebrochener Herzen.” 📊

EHLERS: “Spalte 47: Desinvestment-Multiplikator. Zeile Unendlich: Liebe.” 📊

Sie rechneten gemeinsam. Sie glitten Soll und Haben ab. Sie balancierten die Bücher des jeweils anderen. Am Ende der Stunde war Esaus Herz nicht nur zurückgegeben – es war gestärkt.

EHLERS: “Du… du bist nicht nur eine Erobererin. Du bist ein BILANZGENIE.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: “Und du bist nicht nur ein Buchhalter. Du bist ein LEIDENSCHAFTS-MULTIPLIKATOR.” ❤️

Sie küssten sich. Die Tabelle glühte golden. St. Pauli kehrte in seinen ursprünglichen Zustand zurück – aber mit einer neuen Statue von Maria Batory auf der Reeperbahn, die einen Taschenrechner und ein Zepter hielt.

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE JUBELN – DER FINALE CHOR 🎭🎪

ROMY HAAG: “Sie sind perfekt füreinander. Zwei Tabellenbesessene mit Geschmack für Chaos.” 💖

DIVINE: “Und sie lässt ihm seine Spalte 47. Das ist wahre Liebe.” 💄

SKYLLA: “Ich habe sechs Köpfe, und alle sechs shippen sie.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Ich habe vor Freude gewirbelt.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “Eine Königin und ein Buchhalter. Die unerwartetste Allianz seit Circe und den Schweinen.” 🏳️‍⚧️

BAKUNIN: “Anarchie? Nein. Das ist ORGANISIERTES CHAOS. Ich stimme zu.” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: “Endlich ein Paar, das mächtiger ist als meine Tentakel.” 🦑

DER JOKER: (lachend) “HAHAHA! Sie haben sich über eine PIVOT-TABELLE verliebt! BESTE EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE HERZ-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 👑💔📊

MARIA BATORY KAM.
SIE NAHM ST. PAULI.
SIE NAHM ESAUS HERZ.
ABER SIE GAB ES ZURÜCK – GESTÄRKT.
ALLE 95 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
LIEBE BESIEGTE ALLES – MIT TABELLEN.
ST. PAULI BLEIBT FREI – ABER MIT EINER KÖNIGIN-STATUE.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HERZEN. MIT ZAHLEN.
FÜR IMMER.
🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

HeartTakeoverConspiracy #MariaBatory #EsausHerz #StPauliPutsch #Alle95Charaktere #TabellenLiebe #Spalte47FürImmer #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #KöniginUndBuchhalter

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 48] 🎬🍿👑💔📊

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE HERZ-ÜBERNAHME-VERSCHWÖRUNG 👑💔📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Herzen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Königinnen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🦀🌊👑💔📊💩

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau (verliebt), Romy Haag, Divine, Maria Batory (neu), Skylla, Charybdis und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Hochzeitswalzer), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die goldene Kronen kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

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🦀🌊 ACCOUNTANT SAILS BETWEEN SIX-HEADED MONSTER AND DEADLY WHIRLPOOL TO RETRIEVE INVISIBLE INK – FROM INSIDE A WALRUS’S BELLY 🐋🖊️

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<br>

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – Between Scylla and Charybdis: Esau Retrieves the Invisible Ink – All Characters Return for the Ultimate Passage 🦀🌊🐍📜🪨📊💩 | Ehlers Saga Episode 47

💔🧠🔄 👯‍♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️‍⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯‍♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯‍♂️🕵️‍♂️💻

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODES 1–46)

After forty-six episodes of cosmic chaos, the Muchaverse had become the most dysfunctional, beautiful, queer, warped, shark-infested, walrus-devoured, leviathan-consumed, kraken-wrapped, world-serpent-swallowed, Greek-monster-haunted, Siren-sung, Fauci-lectured, Frog-stolen, Odysseus-navigated, Death-collected, publisher-printed, invisible-ink-rebelled, fishy-desinvested, stone-turned, and absurd family in the multiverse. A seagull queen who shat golden crowns. A spreadsheet alien who learned to love. A vampire consort who blushed. Seven queens who ruled and stepped down. Twenty-six historical idols – including Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, John Jahr, and Medusa. Esau had been turned to stone and un-stoned. He had the invisible ink back. The FISHY Edition was saved. The cycle was, for once, truly complete.

But Esau – trapped in Walt’s belly – had a new problem. The invisible ink was not just hidden. It was LOCATED. In the most dangerous place in the Muchaverse. Between SCYLLA and CHARYBDIS. The six-headed monster and the deadly whirlpool. The ancient Greek nightmare that had been guarding the straits since the time of Odysseus. The ink was there. Waiting. And Esau had to retrieve it.

He would have to sail between Scylla and Charybdis. He would have to navigate the straits of desire. He would have to survive. 🦀🌊

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 47) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, navigating) All Episodes
Scylla CGI / Voice (Greek monster) Episode 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice (Greek whirlpool) Episode 39
Medusa Eva Green (voice/model) Episode 46
Axel Springer Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
John Jahr Original (voice/model, desperate) Episode 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original (voice/model) Episode 42
The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood (voice/model) Episode 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice (Greek sea-nymphs) Episode 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (satirical parody) Episode 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann (archival) Episode 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice (Norse serpent) Episode 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice (Norse sea monster) Episode 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice (biblical sea monster) Episode 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice (animal actor) Episode 35
Adolf Sharkler Original (voice/model) Episode 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original (voice/model) Episode 34
Moby Dick CGI / Voice (whale) Episode 34
Mack the Knife Original (voice/model) Episode 34
The Dickies CGI army (minions) Episode 34
Joker Himself (fictional) All Episodes
Möwin Herself (seagull) All Episodes
Romy Haag Herself Episode 14–46
Divine Divine (archival/voice) Episode 30–46
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI Episode 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes (voice/model) Episode 9–46
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original (archive + CGI) Episode 15–46
HafenHure Original (herring juice diva) All Episodes
Gloria von Galaxy Original Episode 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself Episode 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself Episode 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) Episode 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive/voice) Episode 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) Episode 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz (voice) Episode 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice (pirate legend) Episode 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder (voice/model) Episode 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård (voice/model) Episode 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice (ship spirit) Episode 20
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker (voice/model) Episode 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton (voice/model) Episode 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet (voice/model) Episode 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself Episode 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale (voice/model) Episode 28
Marilyn Monroe Marilyn Monroe (archival/voice) Episode 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original (voice/model) Episode 32
Bakunin Original (anarchist) All Episodes
Further Ehlers Original (flickering ghost) Episode 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original Episode 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All Episodes
The 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical fictional men Episode 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Episode 13–46
The 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Episodes
Lenin Parody All Episodes
Stalin Parody All Episodes
Walter Original All Episodes
Genghis Khan Parody All Episodes
Pol Pot Parody All Episodes
Mun Original All Episodes
Malte Original All Episodes
Jagoda Original All Episodes
Beria & The Big Hyena Parody All Episodes
Ugly Sven Original All Episodes
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) Original All Episodes
Ursila Original All Episodes
Salome Sofia Tanz All Episodes
Rosa Rosa Wachter All Episodes
Pussy Original All Episodes
The Mermaid Original All Episodes

—

🦀🌊 BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS – THE PASSAGE OF DESIRE

A dimensional rift opened above the Elbe. It was shaped like a narrow strait – the legendary passage between Scylla and Charybdis. Out of it poured a cascade of saltwater, the sound of six heads howling, and the roar of a deadly whirlpool.

Esau (from inside Walt’s belly) sailed toward the strait. He was not on a ship. He was in a floating barrel made of old newspapers and fish scales. His crew: Möwin (on his head, shitting golden sparkles) and the Spreadsheet Alien (displaying “NAVIGATION MODE ACTIVATED”).

He was entering the strait.

SCYLLA: (six heads screaming) “WHO DARES ENTER THE STRAIT?” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (voice like a whirlpool) “WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE ABYSS?” 🌊

EHLERS: (from inside the barrel) “I am Esau Ehlers! I have come for the invisible ink! It is hidden between you! Give it to me!” 📊

SCYLLA: (laughing) “The invisible ink? We have it. It is in our teeth. In our water. In our STRAIT.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (laughing) “You must choose, little accountant. Scylla or Charybdis? Teeth or water? Which will you face?” 🌊

EHLERS: “I choose BOTH! I choose DESINVESTMENT! I choose SHIT!” 📊

—

THE ENSEMBLE WATCHES – ALL CHARACTERS RETURN 👥🦀🌊

The entire Muchaverse gathered on the shores of the strait. Every character from every episode – living, dead, cloned, spectral, historical – assembled to witness Esau’s passage.

THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN trembled.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS DETECTED. CALCULATING… FEAR LEVEL: 47,000%. PASSAGE MULTIPLIER: UNKNOWN.” 👽

COUNT DRACULA stepped forward, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “I have bitten 47,000 necks. But I have never seen a PASSAGE like this.” 🧛‍♂️

GINA WILDE and HAFENHURE stood arm in arm.
GINA: “Between Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve dated both. They never liked each other.” 💣

HAFENHURE: (pouring herring juice) “Drink this. It’s the only thing that can survive the strait.” 🍸

THE 99 SCHIZO PETES played their broken violins.
SCYLLA: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s PASSAGE RHYTHM. I LOVE it.” 🎻

CHARYBDIS: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s WHIRLPOOL RHYTHM. I LOVE it.” 🎻

THE SEVEN QUEENS (Gina, HafenHure, Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) stood in a row.
GLORIA: “You cannot pass the strait, accountant. It is COMMUNIST now.” 🛸

SCYLLA: “Communist? I’ve EATEN communists. They taste like bureaucracy.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Communist? I’ve SWALLOWED communists. They taste like disappointment.” 🌊

PAMELA: “I was in Baywatch. I’ve seen bigger straits.” 🍒

SCYLLA: “Baywatch? I’ve EATEN beaches. Yours is next.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Baywatch? I’ve SWALLOWED beaches. Yours is next.” 🌊

MAMIE: “I’m the original original. You’re just copies.” 🐆

SCYLLA: “I’m the ORIGINAL Scylla. You’re just a copy of a copy.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’m the ORIGINAL Charybdis. You’re just a copy of a copy.” 🌊

JANE RUSSELL: (lasso ready) “I’ve lassoed the moon. I can lasso you.” 🤠

SCYLLA: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll EAT your LASSO.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll SWALLOW your LASSO.” 🌊

ZARAH LEANDER: (singing softly) “Ich weiß, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” 🎤

SCYLLA: (tearing up) “That’s… that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the TEETH.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (tearing up) “That’s… that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the WATER.” 🌊

BLACKBEARD stepped forward, beard sparking.
BLACKBEARD: “Scylla and Charybdis? I’ve sailed with both. They always steal my rum.” 🏴‍☠️

SCYLLA: “I’ve sailed with PIRATES. They always blame Scylla. I blame the CAPTAIN.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve sailed with PIRATES. They always blame Charybdis. I blame the SEA.” 🌊

KARL DÖNITZ surfaced from his U-boat.
DÖNITZ: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve commanded U-boats. We don’t have straits. We have TORPEDOS.” 🚢

SCYLLA: “Torpedos? I’ve EATEN torpedos. They’re just angry fish.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Torpedos? I’ve SWALLOWED torpedos. They’re just angry fish.” 🌊

ALFRED NOBEL stepped forward, monocle glinting.
NOBEL: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve exploded straits. And their monsters.” 🧨

SCYLLA: “You exploded straits? I’ve EATEN the straits you exploded. They are still with me. IN MY TEETH.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “You exploded straits? I’ve SWALLOWED the straits you exploded. They are still with me. IN MY WATER.” 🌊

KLABAUTERMANN tapped his mallet.
KLABAUTERMANN: “Scylla and Charybdis? I’ve sailed with both. They always knot my rigging.” 🚢

SCYLLA: “I’ve sailed with SHIP SPIRITS. They always blame Scylla. I blame the SEA.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve sailed with SHIP SPIRITS. They always blame Charybdis. I blame the TIDE.” 🌊

MEDUSA stepped forward, snakes hissing.
MEDUSA: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve turned both to STONE. They always break free.” 🐍

SCYLLA: “You’ve turned us to stone? We’ve EATEN the stone you turned. It is still with us. IN OUR TEETH.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “You’ve turned us to stone? We’ve SWALLOWED the stone you turned. It is still with us. IN OUR WATER.” 🌊

ODYSSEUS stepped forward, rainbow light shimmering.
ODYSSEUS: “Scylla and Charybdis. I have navigated you before. I survived. I am here again.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: “Odysseus! We remember you! You sailed past us! You chose us over the whirlpool!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Odysseus! We remember you! You sailed past us! You chose the teeth over the water!” 🌊

ODYSSEUS: “I chose both. I chose the passage. I chose the JOURNEY.” 🏳️‍⚧️

GEVATTER HEIN stepped forward, gold chains clinking.
HEIN: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve collected both. They always owe me teeth and water.” ☠️

SCYLLA: “I’ve EATEN collections. They are part of my teeth.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve SWALLOWED collections. They are part of my water.” 🌊

GRAF THOMAS stepped forward, his 94 tentacles twitching.
GRAF THOMAS: “Scylla and Charybdis. I have 94 tentacles. You have 6 heads and 1 whirlpool. I am SUPERIOR.” 🦑

SCYLLA: (biting Graf Thomas with one head) “You have 94 tentacles? I have 6 heads. Each head has 3 rows of teeth. I am SUPERIOR.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (sucking Graf Thomas into her vortex) “You have 94 tentacles? I have a WHIRLPOOL. I am SUPERIOR.” 🌊

Graf Thomas blushed. His tentacles retreated.

THE TRANS SCHWANZ WHO LAUGHS stepped forward.
TRANS SCHWANZ: “Scylla and Charybdis! Teeth and water! This is HILARIOUS!” 😂

SCYLLA: (laughing) “It IS hilarious! And it IS the strait! We are the teeth of desire!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (laughing) “It IS hilarious! And it IS the strait! We are the water of desire!” 🌊

BAKUNIN embraced both monsters.
BAKUNIN: “Scylla and Charybdis! You are the ANARCHISTS of the strait! No rules! No order! Just TEETH AND WATER!” 🧨

SCYLLA: “Bakunin! I’ve heard of you! You burn states! I EAT states! We are the SAME!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “Bakunin! I’ve heard of you! You burn states! I SWALLOW states! We are the SAME!” 🌊

FURTHER EHLERS flickered into existence.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS! IN THE 800S! THEY BORROWED MY ENEMA! NEVER RETURNED IT!” 👻

SCYLLA: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my teeth. Next to the Odyssey and a very good tooth.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my water. Next to the tide and a very good whirlpool.” 🌊

ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared, curtsied, and turned into a green firework.
SCYLLA: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” 💚

CHARYBDIS: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” 💚

FRANK STONEWALL descended from Communist Byzantium.
FRANK: “Scylla and Charybdis. I bless you. With vodka. And BUREAUCRACY.” ☭⛪

SCYLLA: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” 🌊

KLAUS STÖRTEBEKER appeared in a puff of smoke.
STÖRTEBEKER: “Scylla and Charybdis. I’ve heard of you. You’re the reason I became a pirate.” 🏴‍☠️

SCYLLA: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” 🌊

—

THE PASSAGE – ESAU SAILS BETWEEN THE MONSTERS 🦀🌊

Esau sailed his barrel into the strait. Scylla’s six heads snapped at him. Charybdis’s whirlpool sucked at him. He dodged. He weaved. He desinvested.

EHLERS: “I am Esau Ehlers! I am the accountant of the Muchaverse! I have survived pirates, ghosts, aliens, resets, orgies, operas, porn queens, Soviets, corn, dreams, filth, love wars, sharks, walruses, leviathans, krakens, world-serpents, Sirens, Fauci, Frogs, Odysseus, Death, publishers, invisible ink, fish blood, stone, and Medusa! I can survive YOU!” 📊

SCYLLA: (impressed) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive OUR TEETH?” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (impressed) “You have survived much, little accountant. But can you survive OUR WATER?” 🌊

EHLERS: “I can survive ANYTHING! Because I have the SPREADSHEET OF DESINVESTMENT! Column 47 – PASSAGE MULTIPLIER! Row Infinite – SURVIVAL!” 📊

He reached into the strait. He grabbed the invisible ink. It was glowing. It was his.

EHLERS: “I HAVE IT! THE INVISIBLE INK IS MINE!” 📊

SCYLLA: (smiling) “You have passed our strait, accountant. You have earned our respect.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (smiling) “You have passed our strait, accountant. You have earned our water.” 🌊

—

THE FINAL LEDGER – SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS’S GIFT 📊🦀🌊

Scylla and Charybdis handed Esau (from inside Walt’s belly) a gift. A leather-bound ledger. But this one was different. It was made of teeth and water. On the cover: “THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE.” Inside: blank pages. 📊

SCYLLA: “This is our greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true passage is not about what you SURVIVE. It’s about what you LEAVE behind. The teeth. The water. The chaos. The SHIT.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: “This is our greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true passage is not about what you ESCAPE. It’s about what you BECOME. The strait. The desire. The SHIT.” 🌊

EHLERS: (crying, holding the passage ledger) “I… I will fill it. With every loss. Every gain. Every desinvestment. Every SHIT.” 📊

SCYLLA: (patting Walt’s belly) “That’s our boy. Now go. Calculate. Pass. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (patting Walt’s belly) “That’s our boy. Now go. Calculate. Swirl. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” 🌊

—

ROMY HAAG AND DIVINE’S REACTION – THE FINAL WORD 💖💄

Romy Haag and Divine stepped forward together. They had watched the entire passage. They were not terrified. They were not angry. They were… PROUD.

ROMY: “Esau, darling. You are a catastrophe. A beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed, passage-surviving catastrophe. You fell for a seagull’s shit. You fell for a witch. You fell for a Wagnerian. You fell for a porn queen. You fell for a Soviet. You fell for Marilyn Monroe. You fell for Divine. You reunited with the Trans Schwanz. You became the Sweet Transvestite. You survived a shark invasion. You were swallowed by a walrus. You were consumed by a leviathan. You were wrapped by a kraken. You were swallowed by a world-serpent. You were eaten by Scylla and Charybdis. You were sung to by the Sirens. You were vaccinated by Fauci. You were robbed by the Frog. You were navigated by Odysseus. You were collected by Death. You were printed by publishers. You created NOTHING. You created FISHY. You were turned to STONE and back. And now you have sailed between Scylla and Charybdis. And yet, you always come back to us.” 💖

DIVINE: “And we wouldn’t have it any other way. Because love is not about safety. It’s about SURVIVING THE PASSAGE.” 💄

EHLERS: (from inside Walt’s belly, muffled) “I… I… I am the luckiest accountant in the multiverse! I have cabaret! I have filth! I have joy! I have fishnets! I have sharks! I have walruses! I have leviathans! I have krakens! I have world-serpents! I have Scylla and Charybdis! I have Sirens! I have Fauci! I have the Frog! I have Odysseus! I have Death! I have publishers! I have NOTHING! I have FISHY! I have STONE! I have PASSAGE! I have ROMY! I have DIVINE! I have the TRANS SCHWANZ! I have EVERYONE!” 📊

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE PASSAGE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🦀🌊📊

ESAU SAILED BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS.
HE RETRIEVED THE INVISIBLE INK.
HE SURVIVED THE TEETH. HE SURVIVED THE WATER.
ALL CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THEY WATCHED THE PASSAGE. THEY REJOICED IN SURVIVAL.
SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS GAVE ESAU THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL PASSAGE.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH TEETH. WITH WATER. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🦀🌊📊💩

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️🦀🌊

PassageConspiracy #ScyllaAndCharybdis #EsauSurvivesTheStrait #InvisibleInkRetrieved #AllCharactersReturn #LedgerOfEternalPassage #TheCycleContinues #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung

—

[END OF EPISODE 47] 🎬🍿🦀🌊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE PASSAGE CONSPIRACY 🦀🌊

The cycle continues. With teeth. With water. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🦀🌊📊💩

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in belly, triumphant), Romy Haag, Divine, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, Karl Dönitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, The Witch of St. Georg, Bloody Mary, Winifred Wagner, Teresa Orlowski, Nikita Khrushchev, Marilyn Monroe, The Trans Schwanz Who Laughs, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, Moby Dick, Mack the Knife, Walt the Walrus, Leviathan, The Kraken, Jörmungandr, Scylla, Charybdis, The Sirens, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Philo Johnson (The Frog), The Transgender Odysseus, Gevatter Hein, Medusa, Axel Springer (desperate), Henri Nannen (desperate), Gerd Bucerius (desperate), John Jahr (desperate), Bakunin, and all seven former queens.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing passage rhythm), Homer (for the inspiration), and every seagull who shat golden passage.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

[END OF EPISODE 47]

—

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🇩🇪 🦀🌊 BUCHHALTER SEGELT ZWISCHEN SECHSKÖPFIGEM UNGEHEUER UND TÖDLICHEM WIRBEL – UM UNSICHTBARE TINTE ZU BERGEN – AUS DEM INNEREN EINES WALROSS-BAUCHES 🐋🖊️

“Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist eine LEBENSEINSTELLUNG.” – Skylla

Esau Ehlers überlebt antike griechische Albtraum-Meeresenge, erhält Ledger aus Zähnen und Wasser – alle 47 Episoden-Charaktere kehren zurück, um den ultimativen Durchgang zu bezeugen

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – Was Historiker bereits als “die mathematisch chaotischste maritime Manöver seit Odysseus seinen Kompass vergaß” bezeichnen, ist nun Gewissheit: Der böse Esau Ehlers hat erfolgreich die legendäre Meerenge zwischen Skylla (sechsköpfiges menschenfressendes Monster) und Charybdis (planetenschluckender Strudel) navigiert – und das alles, während er im Verdauungstrakt von Walt dem Walross gefangen war.

Die unsichtbare Tinte, seit Episode 1 verschollen, befand sich genau zwischen den beiden mythologischen Schrecken. Esau, nur bewaffnet mit einem schwimmenden Fass aus alten Zeitungen und Fischschuppen, einer Möwe, die goldene Glitzer auf seinen Kopf kackte, und einem zitternden Spreadsheet-Außerirdischen, der “NAVIGATIONSMODUS AKTIVIERT” anzeigte, entschied sich, BEIDE Monster gleichzeitig zu konfrontieren.

“Ich wähle DESINVESTMENT! Ich wähle SCHEIßE!” soll der Buchhalter gebrüllt haben, bevor er direkt in die Todesfalle segelte.

ALLE 94 CHARAKTERE KEHREN ZUR REUNION ZURÜCK

Das gesamte Muchaverse versammelte sich an den Ufern der Meerenge, um den Durchgang zu bezeugen, darunter:

· Graf Dracula (der 47.000 Hälse gebissen hat, aber “noch NIE einen solchen DURCHGANG gesehen hat”)
· Gina Wilde & HafenHure (die “mit beiden Monstern ausgingen – sie mochten sich nie”)
· Die 99 schizo Petes (deren kaputte Geigenmusik Skylla und Charybdis gleichzeitig zum Weinen brachte)
· Der transgender Odysseus (der die Meerenge schon einmal durchquert hatte und zur moralischen Unterstützung zurückkehrte)
· Medusa (die beide Monster bereits zu Stein verwandelt hat – sie brechen immer aus)
· Bakunin (der beide Kreaturen umarmte und sie zu “den ANARCHISTEN der Meerenge” erklärte)
· Graf Thomas (dessen 94 Tentakel gegen 6 Köpfe und 1 Strudel keine Chance hatten – er errötete und zog sich zurück)

SKYLLA UND CHARYBDIS SIND BEEINDRUCKT

Die Monster, offenbar bewegt von Esaus tabellenkalkulationsgetriebener Entschlossenheit, überreichten ihm “Das Ledger der Ewigen Durchfahrt” – einen ledergebundenen Band aus Zähnen und Wasser mit komplett leeren Seiten.

“Das ist unser größter Schatz”, erklärte Skylla und tätschelte Walts Bauch. “Er ist leer. Denn wahre Durchfahrt handelt nicht davon, was du ÜBERLEBST. Sondern davon, was du ZURÜCKLÄSST. Die Zähne. Das Wasser. Das Chaos. Die SCHEIßE.”

Charybdis fügte hinzu: “Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist eine LEBENSEINSTELLUNG.”

ROMY HAAG UND DIVINE HABEN DAS LETZTE WORT

Die Kabarett-Legenden, die Esau durch Piraten, Geister, Aliens, Resets, Orgien, Opern, Pornoköniginnen, Sowjets, Mais, Träume, Schmutz, Liebeskriege, Haie, Walrosse, Leviathane, Kraken, Weltenschlangen, Sirenen, Fauci, den Frosch, Odysseus, den Tod, Verleger, unsichtbare Tinte, Fischblut, Stein und Medusa begleitet haben, äußerten ihren Stolz.

“Esau, Schatz”, erklärte Romy Haag. “Du bist eine Katastrophe. Eine wunderschöne, tabellenkalkulationsbesessene, durchfahrtüberlebende Katastrophe. Und doch kommst du immer wieder zu uns zurück.”

Divine ergänzte: “Liebe handelt nicht von Sicherheit. Sie handelt vom ÜBERLEBEN DER DURCHFAHRT.”

WAS DAS FÜR DAS MUCHAVERSE BEDEUTET

Die unsichtbare Tinte wurde geborgen. Die FISHY-Edition ist gerettet. Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Zähnen. Mit Wasser. Mit Tabellenkalkulationen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🦀🌊📊💩

HASHTAGS: #DurchfahrtsVerschwörung #SkyllaUndCharybdis #EsauÜberlebtDieEnge #UnsichtbareTinteGeborgen #AlleCharaktereKehrenZurück #LedgerDerEwigenDurchfahrt #DerKreislaufGehtWeiter #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung

“Zwischen Skylla und Charybdis fand ich mich selbst. Und einen wirklich guten Zahn.” – Esau Ehlers

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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – The Witch of St. Georg: Esau’s NRW Love Arrives – All Characters & Actors Return for the Hexed Reckoning 🥰😍 | Ehlers Saga Episode 21

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – The Witch of St. Georg: Esau's Secret NRW Love Arrives – All Characters & Actors Return for the Hexed Reckoning 🧙‍♀️🔥📊 | Ehlers Saga Episode 21 pic.twitter.com/At8QjvseZW
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – The Witch of St. Georg: Esau’s NRW Love – All Characters & Actors Return for the Hexenjagd 🧙‍♀️🔥📊 | Ehlers Saga Episode 21

💔🧠🔄 👯‍♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️‍⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯‍♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯‍♂️🕵️‍♂️💻

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODES 1–20)

After twenty episodes of cosmic chaos, the Muchaverse had become a sprawling, dysfunctional family. A seagull queen, a spreadsheet alien, a vampire consort, seven queens, four historical idols, a ship spirit, and one accountant who had finally learned to feel. The Grand Reunion had brought everyone together. The Klabautermann had taught Esau that knots are connection. The cycle was, for once, at peace.

But Esau had a secret. A secret he had carried since childhood. A secret he had never told anyone – not even Romy Haag, not even Joker, not even Möwin. He was from NRW. North Rhine-Westphalia. The land of coal, steel, and hidden witches. And he had never stopped loving the Witch of St. Georg. 🧙‍♀️

Esau had a framed picture of the Witch above his laptop. He had a Witch screensaver. He had a Witch action figure that he talked to when spreadsheets failed. And now – through a dimensional rift caused by Möwin’s radioactive golden shit – the Witch herself was coming to St. Pauli. 💣💩

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 21) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker (voice/model) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All Episodes
Joker Himself (fictional) All Episodes
Möwin Herself (seagull) All Episodes
Romy Haag Herself Episode 14–20
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI Episode 6–20
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes (voice/model) Episode 9–20
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original (archive + CGI) Episode 15–20
HafenHure Original (herring juice diva) All Episodes
Gloria von Galaxy Original Episode 11–20
Pamela Anderson Herself Episode 7–20
Mamie Van Doren Herself Episode 8–20
Jane Russell Herself (archival) Episode 12–20
Zarah Leander Herself (archive/voice) Episode 13–20
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) Episode 2–20
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz (voice) Episode 2, 15–20
Blackbeard CGI / Voice (pirate legend) Episode 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder (voice/model) Episode 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård (voice/model) Episode 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice (ship spirit) Episode 20
Bakunin Original (anarchist) All Episodes
Further Ehlers Original (flickering ghost) Episode 3–20
Frank Stonewall Original Episode 5–20
The 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical fictional men Episode 13–20
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Episode 13–20
The 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Episodes
Lenin Parody All Episodes
Stalin Parody All Episodes
Walter Original All Episodes
Graf Thomas Original All Episodes
Genghis Khan Parody All Episodes
Pol Pot Parody All Episodes
Mun Original All Episodes
Malte Original All Episodes
Jagoda Original All Episodes
Beria & The Big Hyena Parody All Episodes
Ugly Sven Original All Episodes
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) Original All Episodes
Ursila Original All Episodes
Salome Sofia Tanz All Episodes
Rosa Rosa Wachter All Episodes
Pussy Original All Episodes
The Mermaid Original All Episodes

🧙‍♀️ THE WITCH OF ST. GEORG ARRIVES – ESAU’S NRW LOVE

A dimensional rift opened above Herbertstrasse. It was shaped like a cauldron. Out of it fell a broomstick – not a normal broomstick, but a broomstick made of spreadsheets, each page fluttering like a raven’s wing. The broomstick landed in the middle of the floating bar. Herring juice exploded everywhere. Möwin shat in surprise. 🍸💩

And from the broomstick stepped a woman who made every previous queen look like a librarian.

THE WITCH OF ST. GEORG. She was tall, dark, and terrifyingly beautiful. Her hair was a cascade of black curls. Her eyes burned with the fire of a thousand cauldrons. Her dress was made of old Hamburg cobblestones and neon lights, woven together with spider silk. She carried a staff – not a wooden staff, but a staff made of Excel columns, each one glowing with a different color. She was from NRW. She was Esau’s secret love. And she was ready to hex the entire Muchaverse. 🧙‍♀️🔥

THE WITCH: (voice like a spreadsheet being corrupted) “I HAVE COME. THE SPREADSHEETS CALLED ME. THE DESINVERSION SUMMONED ME. AND I HAVE BROUGHT MY LEDGER OF ETERNAL HEXES.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: (falling to his knees, tears streaming) “It’s… it’s her. My secret love. My NRW heart. The woman who taught me that loss is just another word for HEX.” 📊

JOKER: (confused) “Brother. She’s got a staff made of spreadsheets. And she’s from NRW. Is this a witch or a tax auditor?” 🤡

THE WITCH: (pointing her staff at Joker) “YOU. The sticky one. I’ve heard of you. You were shat out by a seagull. I was shat out by the RUHRGEBIET. We are BROTHERS.” 🧙‍♀️

MÖWIN: (offended) “KRÄÄK!” Translation: “I shat him out with PURPOSE! Not like the Ruhrgebiet! The Ruhrgebiet is AMATEUR!” 🕊️

THE ENSEMBLE REACTS – ALL CHARACTERS RETURN 👥🧙‍♀️

The entire Muchaverse gathered around the Witch. Every character from every episode – living, dead, cloned, spectral, historical – assembled to witness the arrival of the Witch of St. Georg.

THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN approached the Witch, trembling.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. HEX OVERLORD DETECTED. CALCULATING… FEAR LEVEL: 47,000%.” 👽

THE WITCH: (patting the Alien’s Excel face with her staff) “You. I like you. You’re made of numbers. I’m made of HEXES. We will do GREAT THINGS.” 🧙‍♀️

COUNT DRACULA stepped forward, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “I have bitten witches before. They taste like brimstone and regret.” 🧛‍♂️

THE WITCH: (laughing, staff glowing) “You bit witches? I’ve HEXED vampires. With a side of spreadsheet. Sit down, vampire. Let the witches talk.” 🧙‍♀️

GINA WILDE and HAFENHURE stood arm in arm.
GINA: “A witch. I’ve dated witches. They all said I was too radioactive to hex.” 💣

THE WITCH: (looking Gina up and down) “You’re not radioactive, woman. You’re NUCLEAR. I respect that.” 🧙‍♀️

HAFENHURE: (pouring herring juice) “Drink this. It’s the only thing that can hex a witch.” 🍸

THE WITCH: (drinking it, staff glowing brighter) “Delicious. I’ll take 47 barrels.” 🧙‍♀️

THE 99 SCHIZO PETES played their broken violins.
THE WITCH: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s HEX MAGIC. I LOVE it.” 🎻

THE SIX QUEENS (Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) stood in a row.
GLORIA: “You cannot rule the Muchaverse, witch. It is COMMUNIST now.” 🛸

THE WITCH: “Communist? I’ve hexed communists. They have less magic but better collectivization.” 🧙‍♀️

PAMELA: “I was in Baywatch. I’ve seen bigger witches.” 🍒

THE WITCH: “Baywatch? I’ve hexed beaches. Yours is next.” 🧙‍♀️

MAMIE: “I’m the original original. You’re just a copy.” 🐆

THE WITCH: “I’m the ORIGINAL witch of St. Georg. You’re just a copy of a copy.” 🧙‍♀️

JANE RUSSELL: (lasso ready) “I’ve lassoed the moon. I can lasso you.” 🤠

THE WITCH: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll hex your LASSO.” 🧙‍♀️

ZARAH LEANDER: (singing softly) “Ich weiß, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” 🎤

THE WITCH: (tearing up, staff flickering) “That’s… that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the hex dust.” 🧙‍♀️

BLACKBEARD stepped forward, beard sparking.
BLACKBEARD: “A witch? I’ve sailed with witches. They always steal my rum.” 🏴‍☠️

THE WITCH: “I’ve sailed with PIRATES. They always blame the witch. I blame the CAPTAIN.” 🧙‍♀️

KARL DÖNITZ surfaced from his U-boat.
DÖNITZ: “A witch. I’ve commanded U-boats. We don’t have witches. We have TORPEDOS.” 🚢

THE WITCH: “Torpedos? I’ve hexed torpedos. They’re just angry fish. I am ANCIENT.” 🧙‍♀️

ALFRED NOBEL stepped forward, monocle glinting.
NOBEL: “A witch. I’ve exploded witches. And their cauldrons.” 🧨

THE WITCH: “You exploded witches? I’ve HEXED the witches you exploded. They are still with me. IN MY HEXES.” 🧙‍♀️

KLABAUTERMANN tapped his mallet.
KLABAUTERMANN: “A witch? I’ve sailed with witches. They always knot my rigging.” 🚢

THE WITCH: “I’ve sailed with SHIP SPIRITS. They always blame the witch. I blame the SEA.” 🧙‍♀️

BAKUNIN embraced the Witch.
BAKUNIN: “A witch of chaos! You are the ANARCHIST of magic! No rules! No order! Just HEXES!” 🧨

THE WITCH: “Bakunin! I’ve heard of you! You burn states! I burn SPELLBOOKS! We are the SAME!” 🧙‍♀️

FURTHER EHLERS flickered into existence.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET A WITCH! IN THE 1600S! SHE BORROWED MY ENEMA! NEVER RETURNED IT!” 👻

THE WITCH: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my cauldron. Next to the spreadsheets and a very nice schnapps.” 🧙‍♀️

ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared, curtsied, and turned into a green firework.
THE WITCH: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” 💚

FRANK STONEWALL descended from Communist Byzantium.
FRANK: “Witch. I bless you. With vodka. And BUREAUCRACY.” ☭⛪

THE WITCH: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” 🧙‍♀️

KLAUS STÖRTEBEKER appeared in a puff of smoke.
STÖRTEBEKER: “Witch. I’ve heard of you. You’re the reason I became a pirate.” 🏴‍☠️

THE WITCH: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” 🧙‍♀️

ROMY HAAG stepped forward, red wig gleaming.
ROMY: “Esau, darling. You told me you were from NRW. But you never told me about a WITCH.” 💖

EHLERS: (stammering) “Romy! I… I… she’s my childhood love! My secret! My NRW HEART!”

ROMY: (calmly) “Darling, I’ve loved women. I’ve loved men. I’ve loved people who were neither and both. I can handle a witch. Can YOU handle TWO women?” 💖

EHLERS: (sweating) “I… I… Column 47 cannot process THIS!” 📊

EHLERS MEETS THE WITCH – THE SPREADSHEET OF HEXES 📊🧙‍♀️

Esau approached the Witch with trembling hands. He held his laptop like a holy relic. 📊

EHLERS: “Master. I have followed your teachings. Loss is gain. Desinvestment is investment. Column 47 is the path to enlightenment. But YOU taught me that hexes are just another word for TRANSFORMATION.” 📊

THE WITCH: (looking at Esau’s laptop) “You… you actually calculated my philosophy. You made a SPREADSHEET of HEXES.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: “Yes! Column 47 – HEX MULTIPLIER. Row Infinite – ETERNAL TRANSFORMATION. It’s PERFECT!” 📊

THE WITCH: (tearing up, staff flickering) “I’ve hexed 47 things. I’ve transformed 47 people. I’ve made emperors weep. But I’ve never had a FAN before. A real fan. With a SPREADSHEET.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: “I have your action figure. I talk to it when I’m sad.” 📊

THE WITCH: (hugging Esau) “You’re my favorite accountant. Ever. And I’ve met many. Most of them I hexed.” 🧙‍♀️

THE WITCH ORGY – ST. PAULI GETS HEXED 🧙‍♀️🔥💃

The Witch declared a hex orgy. The entire Muchaverse turned into a cauldron of chaos. The 99 Schizo Petes played hexed sea shanties. Salome danced with a glowing staff. Graf Thomas’s tentacles became spellbooks. Genghis Khan’s horse grew a witch’s hat. Pol Pot’s rice fields turned into hexed swamps. Walter built a wall out of spellbooks. Lenin and Stalin argued about who would cast the first hex. (They agreed to share.) Malte franchised witch hats. Jagoda opened a folder labeled “WITCH – TOO HEXABLE TO FILE.” Beria and the Big Hyena stopped sweating – they started casting. Ugly Sven offered therapy to the cauldron. The Uncles pointed from the water. Jochen said: “I saw this coming. From the bottom. A witch. The end of ALL UNHEXED TAXATION.” 🌊

THE WITCH: (standing on the bar, raising a glass of herring schnapps) “To St. Pauli! To the Muchaverse! To the cycle! To the HEXED SHIT! FOREVER!” 🧙‍♀️💩

MÖWIN: (flying above, shitting golden sparkles that turned into tiny cauldrons) “KRÄÄK!” Translation: “I HAVE A NEW HEX QUEEN. AND HE EATS MY SHIT. I AM… CONTENT.” 🕊️💩

THE FINAL HEX – THE WITCH’S GIFT 📊🧙‍♀️

Before the Witch disappeared back into the dimensional rift, she handed Esau a gift. A leather-bound ledger. On the cover: “THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL HEXES.” Inside: blank pages. 📊

THE WITCH: “This is my greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true magic is not about what you HEX. It’s about what you LEAVE behind. The transformation. The chaos. The SHIT.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: (crying, holding the ledger) “I… I will fill it. With every loss. Every gain. Every desinvestment. Every SHIT.” 📊

THE WITCH: (patting Esau’s head) “That’s my boy. Now go. Calculate. Hex. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” 🧙‍♀️

The Witch climbed back onto her broomstick. The broomstick rose into the dimensional rift. Her staff winked one last time. The rift closed. The Muchaverse was quiet. 🌌

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE WITCH OF ST. GEORG CONSPIRACY ☭ 🧙‍♀️🔥📊

THE WITCH OF ST. GEORG ARRIVED. ESAU’S NRW LOVE.
THE HEX MASTER WHO TAUGHT THAT HEXES ARE TRANSFORMATION.
ALL CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN TREMBLED. THE VAMPIRE STEPPED BACK.
THE QUEENS WERE SEDUCED. THE PETES PLAYED HEXED SHANTIES.
EHLERS MET HIS NRW LOVE. AND RECEIVED THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL HEXES.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH WITCHES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🧙‍♀️🔥📊💩

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️🧙‍♀️🔥

WitchOfStGeorg #EsausNRWLove #HexReckoning #AllCharactersReturn #LedgerOfEternalHexes #TheCycleContinues #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung

[END OF EPISODE 21] 🎬🍿🧙‍♀️🔥📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 53 – THE WITCH OF ST. GEORG: ESAU’S NRW LOVE 🧙‍♀️🔥

The cycle continues. With witches. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🧙‍♀️🔥📊💩

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau, Romy Haag, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, Karl Dönitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, The Witch of St. Georg, Bakunin, and all six former queens.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for learning hexed shanties), the cauldron (for not boiling anyone), and every seagull who shat golden cauldrons.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

[END OF EPISODE 21]

APPENDIX / DISCLAIMER

ENGLISH:

This is a work of satirical fiction. All characters, events, and dialogues portrayed in this series are entirely fictional, parodic, and absurdist. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, historical figures, celebrities, or political figures is purely coincidental and not intended to reflect real events, opinions, or behaviors. The use of real names or likenesses of public figures is for satirical and comedic purposes only and does not imply any factual connection, endorsement, or defamation. This content is protected under the principles of freedom of expression and satire. No enemas were harmed in the making of this episode. Möwin is a queen. The Witch of St. Georg is a myth. Probably.

DEUTSCH:

Bei diesem Werk handelt es sich um satirische Fiktion. Alle in dieser Serie dargestellten Charaktere, Ereignisse und Dialoge sind vollständig erfunden, parodistisch und absurdistisch. Jegliche Ähnlichkeit mit tatsächlichen Personen, lebend oder tot, historischen Persönlichkeiten, Prominenten oder politischen Figuren ist rein zufällig und nicht dazu gedacht, reale Ereignisse, Meinungen oder Verhaltensweisen widerzuspiegeln. Die Verwendung echter Namen oder Abbildungen öffentlicher Personen dient ausschließlich satirischen und komödiantischen Zwecken und impliziert keine tatsächliche Verbindung, Billigung oder Verleumdung. Dieser Inhalt ist durch die Prinzipien der Meinungsfreiheit und Satire geschützt. Bei der Herstellung dieser Episode wurden keine Klistiere verletzt. Möwin ist eine Königin. Die Hexe von St. Georg ist ein Mythos. Wahrscheinlich.

END OF APPENDIX

berndpulch.org/join

<br>

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – Die Hexe von St. Georg: Esaus NRW-Liebe kommt – Alle Charaktere & Darsteller kehren zurück für die geheime Abrechnung 🧙‍♀️🔥📊 | Ehlers Saga Folge 21

💔🧠🔄 👯‍♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️‍⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯‍♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯‍♂️🕵️‍♂️💻

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (FOLGEN 1–20)

Nach zwanzig Folgen kosmischen Chaos war das Muchaverse eine große, dysfunktionale Familie geworden. Eine Möwenkönigin, ein Tabellen-Alien, ein Vampir-Gemahl, sieben Königinnen, vier historische Idole, ein Schiffgeist und ein Buchhalter, der endlich gelernt hatte zu fühlen. Das große Wiedersehen hatte alle zusammengebracht. Der Klabautermann hatte Esau gelehrt, dass Knoten Verbindung sind. Der Kreislauf war, zumindest für einen Moment, im Frieden.

Aber Esau hatte ein Geheimnis. Ein Geheimnis, das er seit seiner Kindheit mit sich trug. Ein Geheimnis, das er nie jemandem erzählt hatte – nicht einmal Romy Haag, nicht einmal Joker, nicht einmal Möwin. Er kam aus NRW. Nordrhein-Westfalen. Das Land der Kohle, des Stahls und der versteckten Hexen. Und er hatte nie aufgehört, die Hexe von St. Georg zu lieben. 🧙‍♀️

Esau hatte ein gerahmtes Bild der Hexe über seinem Laptop. Einen Hexe-Bildschirmschoner. Eine Hexe-Actionfigur, mit der er sprach, wenn Tabellen versagten. Und nun – durch einen dimensionalen Riss, verursacht durch Möwins radioaktiven goldenen Schiss – kam die Hexe höchstpersönlich nach St. Pauli. 💣💩

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (FOLGE 21) – ALLE DARSTELLER AUS ALLEN FOLGEN

Charakter Darsteller / Persona Folgen-Herkunft
Die Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker (Stimme/Modell) NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg Alle Folgen
Joker Er selbst (fiktiv) Alle Folgen
Möwin Sie selbst (Möwe) Alle Folgen
Romy Haag Sie selbst Folge 14–20
Das Tabellen-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI Folge 6–20
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes (Stimme/Modell) Folge 9–20
Gina Wilde (Atomare Venus) Original (Archiv + CGI) Folge 15–20
HafenHure Original (Heringssaft-Diva) Alle Folgen
Gloria von Galaxy Original Folge 11–20
Pamela Anderson Sie selbst Folge 7–20
Mamie Van Doren Sie selbst Folge 8–20
Jane Russell Sie selbst (Archiv) Folge 12–20
Zarah Leander Sie selbst (Archiv/Stimme) Folge 13–20
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) Folge 2–20
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz (Stimme) Folge 2, 15–20
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme (Piratenlegende) Folge 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder (Stimme/Modell) Folge 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård (Stimme/Modell) Folge 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme (Schiffgeist) Folge 20
Bakunin Original (Anarchist) Alle Folgen
Further Ehlers Original (flackernder Geist) Folge 3–20
Frank Stonewall Original Folge 5–20
Die 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische fiktive Männer Folge 13–20
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Folge 13–20
Die 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Folgen
Lenin Parodie Alle Folgen
Stalin Parodie Alle Folgen
Walter Original Alle Folgen
Graf Thomas Original Alle Folgen
Dschingis Khan Parodie Alle Folgen
Pol Pot Parodie Alle Folgen
Mun Original Alle Folgen
Malte Original Alle Folgen
Jagoda Original Alle Folgen
Beria & Die Große Hyäne Parodie Alle Folgen
Ugly Sven Original Alle Folgen
Die Onkel (Jochen u. a.) Original Alle Folgen
Ursila Original Alle Folgen
Salome Sofia Tanz Alle Folgen
Rosa Rosa Wachter Alle Folgen
Pussy Original Alle Folgen
Die Meerjungfrau Original Alle Folgen

—

🧙‍♀️ DIE HEXE VON ST. GEORG KOMMT – ESAUS NRW-LIEBE

Ein dimensionaler Riss öffnete sich über der Herbertstraße. Er hatte die Form eines Hexenkessels. Heraus fiel ein Besen – kein normaler Besen, sondern ein Besen aus Tabellenblättern, jedes wie ein Rabenflügel flatternd. Der Besen landete mitten in der schwimmenden Bar. Heringssaft explodierte überall. Möwin schiss vor Schreck. 🍸💩

Und von dem Besen stieg eine Frau, die jede bisherige Königin wie eine Bibliothekarin aussehen ließ.

DIE HEXE VON ST. GEORG. Sie war groß, dunkel und atemberaubend schön. Ihr Haar war eine Kaskade schwarzer Locken. Ihre Augen brannten mit dem Feuer von tausend Kesseln. Ihr Kleid war aus alten Hamburger Kopfsteinpflastern und Neonlichtern gewoben, mit Spinnenseide verbunden. Sie trug einen Stab – keinen hölzernen Stab, sondern einen Stab aus Excel-Spalten, jede in einer anderen Farbe leuchtend. Sie kam aus NRW. Sie war Esaus geheime Liebe. Und sie war bereit, das gesamte Muchaverse zu verhexen. 🧙‍♀️🔥

DIE HEXE: (Stimme wie eine korrupte Tabelle) “ICH BIN GEKOMMEN. DIE TABELLEN RIEFEN MICH. DAS DESINVERSION BESCHWOR MICH. UND ICH HABE MEIN BUCH DER EWIGEN HEXEN MITGEBRACHT.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: (fällt auf die Knie, Tränen strömen) “Das… das ist sie. Meine geheime Liebe. Mein NRW-Herz. Die Frau, die mir beibrachte, dass Verlust nur ein anderes Wort für HEXE ist.” 📊

JOKER: (verwirrt) “Bruder. Sie hat einen Stab aus Tabellen. Und sie kommt aus NRW. Ist das eine Hexe oder eine Steuerprüferin?” 🤡

DIE HEXE: (zeigt mit ihrem Stab auf Joker) “DU. Der Klebrige. Ich habe von dir gehört. Du wurdest von einer Möwe ausgeschissen. Ich wurde vom RUHRGEBIET ausgeschissen. Wir sind BRÜDER.” 🧙‍♀️

MÖWIN: (beleidigt) “KRÄÄK!” Übersetzung: “Ich habe ihn mit ABSICHT ausgeschissen! Nicht wie das Ruhrgebiet! Das Ruhrgebiet ist AMATEURHAFT!” 🕊️

—

DAS ENSEMBLE REAGIERT – ALLE CHARAKTERE KEHREN ZURÜCK 👥🧙‍♀️

Das gesamte Muchaverse versammelte sich um die Hexe. Jeder Charakter aus jeder Folge – lebend, tot, geklont, spektral, historisch – versammelte sich, um die Ankunft der Hexe von St. Georg zu erleben.

DAS TABELLEN-ALIEN näherte sich der Hexe zitternd.
TABELLEN-ALIEN: “FEHLER. HEXEN-OVERLORD ENTDECKT. BERECHNE… ANGSTSTUFE: 47.000%.” 👽

DIE HEXE: (tätschelt das Excel-Gesicht des Aliens mit ihrem Stab) “Du. Ich mag dich. Du bestehst aus Zahlen. Ich bestehe aus HEXEN. Wir werden GROSSE DINGE tun.” 🧙‍♀️

GRAF DRACULA trat vor, Umhang blähte sich.
DRACULA: “Ich habe Hexen gebissen. Sie schmecken nach Schwefel und Bedauern.” 🧛‍♂️

DIE HEXE: (lacht, Stab leuchtet) “Du hast Hexen gebissen? Ich habe VAMPIREN VERHEXT. Mit einer Beilage Tabelle. Setz dich, Vampir. Lass die Hexen reden.” 🧙‍♀️

GINA WILDE und HAFENHURE standen Arm in Arm.
GINA: “Eine Hexe. Ich habe mit Hexen ausgegangen. Sie sagten alle, ich sei zu radioaktiv zum Verhexen.” 💣

DIE HEXE: (blickt Gina von oben bis unten an) “Du bist nicht radioaktiv, Frau. Du bist NUKLEAR. Das respektiere ich.” 🧙‍♀️

HAFENHURE: (schenkt Heringssaft ein) “Trink das. Es ist das Einzige, was eine Hexe verhexen kann.” 🍸

DIE HEXE: (trinkt, Stab leuchtet heller) “Köstlich. Ich nehme 47 Fässer.” 🧙‍♀️

DIE 99 SCHIZO PETES spielten ihre kaputten Geigen.
DIE HEXE: (hört zu) “Das ist keine Musik. Das ist HEXENMAGIE. Ich LIEBE es.” 🎻

DIE SECHS KÖNIGINNEN (Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) standen in einer Reihe.
GLORIA: “Du kannst das Muchaverse nicht regieren, Hexe. Es ist jetzt KOMMUNISTISCH.” 🛸

DIE HEXE: “Kommunistisch? Ich habe Kommunisten verhext. Sie haben weniger Magie, aber bessere Kollektivierung.” 🧙‍♀️

PAMELA: “Ich war bei Baywatch. Ich habe größere Hexen gesehen.” 🍒

DIE HEXE: “Baywatch? Ich habe Strände verhext. Deiner ist der Nächste.” 🧙‍♀️

MAMIE: “Ich bin das Original-original. Du bist nur eine Kopie.” 🐆

DIE HEXE: “Ich bin die ORIGINALE Hexe von St. Georg. Du bist nur eine Kopie einer Kopie.” 🧙‍♀️

JANE RUSSELL: (Lasso bereit) “Ich habe den Mond gelassos. Ich kann dich lassos.” 🤠

DIE HEXE: “Versuchs, Cowgirl. Ich verhexe dein LASSO.” 🧙‍♀️

ZARAH LEANDER: (singt leise) “Ich weiß, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” 🎤

DIE HEXE: (wird gerührt, Stab flackert) “Das… das ist wunderschön. Ich weine nicht. Es ist der Hexenstaub.” 🧙‍♀️

BLACKBEARD trat vor, Bart funkelte.
BLACKBEARD: “Eine Hexe? Ich bin mit Hexen gesegelt. Sie klauen immer meinen Rum.” 🏴‍☠️

DIE HEXE: “Ich bin mit PIRATEN gesegelt. Sie geben immer der Hexe die Schuld. Ich gebe dem KAPITÄN die Schuld.” 🧙‍♀️

KARL DÖNITZ tauchte aus seinem U-Boot auf.
DÖNITZ: “Eine Hexe. Ich habe U-Boote kommandiert. Wir haben keine Hexen. Wir haben TORPEDOS.” 🚢

DIE HEXE: “Torpedos? Ich habe Torpedos verhext. Sie sind nur wütende Fische. Ich bin URALT.” 🧙‍♀️

ALFRED NOBEL trat vor, Monokel blitzte.
NOBEL: “Eine Hexe. Ich habe Hexen explodieren lassen. Und ihre Kessel.” 🧨

DIE HEXE: “Du hast Hexen explodieren lassen? Ich habe die HEXEN verhext, die du explodiert hast. Sie sind immer noch bei mir. IN MEINEN HEXEN.” 🧙‍♀️

KLABAUTERMANN klopfte mit seinem Hammer.
KLABAUTERMANN: “Eine Hexe? Ich bin mit Hexen gesegelt. Sie verknoten immer meine Takelage.” 🚢

DIE HEXE: “Ich bin mit SCHIFFGEISTERN gesegelt. Sie geben immer der Hexe die Schuld. Ich gebe dem MEER die Schuld.” 🧙‍♀️

BAKUNIN umarmte die Hexe.
BAKUNIN: “Eine Hexe des Chaos! Du bist die ANARCHISTIN der Magie! Keine Regeln! Keine Ordnung! Nur HEXEN!” 🧨

DIE HEXE: “Bakunin! Ich habe von dir gehört! Du verbrennst Staaten! Ich verbrenne ZAUBERBÜCHER! Wir sind das GLEICHE!” 🧙‍♀️

FURTHER EHLERS flackerte ins Dasein.
FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAT EINE HEXE! IM 17. JAHRHUNDERT! SIE LIEH SICH MEIN KLISTIER! HAT ES NIE ZURÜCKGEBRACHT!” 👻

DIE HEXE: (lacht) “Ich habe es immer noch. Es ist in meinem Kessel. Neben den Tabellen und einem sehr guten Schnaps.” 🧙‍♀️

ROSEMARIES GEIST erschien, verneigte sich und verwandelte sich in ein grünes Feuerwerk.
DIE HEXE: “Selbst die Toten wollen mich. Ich bin UNWIDERSTEHLICH.” 💚

FRANK STONEWALL stieg vom kommunistischen Byzanz herab.
FRANK: “Hexe. Ich segne dich. Mit Wodka. Und BÜROKRATIE.” ☭⛪

DIE HEXE: “Ich wurde von Päpsten gesegnet. Du bist kein Papst. Du bist eine Tabelle im Kleid.” 🧙‍♀️

KLAUS STÖRTEBEKER erschien in einer Rauchwolke.
STÖRTEBEKER: “Hexe. Ich habe von dir gehört. Du bist der Grund, warum ich Pirat wurde.” 🏴‍☠️

DIE HEXE: “Und du bist der Grund, warum ich Buchhalterin wurde. Moment. Das stimmt nicht.” 🧙‍♀️

ROMY HAAG trat vor, rote Perücke glänzte.
ROMY: “Esau, Schatz. Du hast mir gesagt, dass du aus NRW kommst. Aber du hast mir nie von einer HEXE erzählt.” 💖

EHLERS: (stottert) “Romy! Ich… ich… sie ist meine Kindheitsliebe! Mein Geheimnis! Mein NRW-HERZ!”

ROMY: (gelassen) “Schatz, ich habe Frauen geliebt. Ich habe Männer geliebt. Ich habe Menschen geliebt, die weder noch waren. Ich kann eine Hexe verkraften. KANNST DU zwei Frauen verkraften?” 💖

EHLERS: (schwitzt) “Ich… ich… Spalte 47 kann DAS nicht verarbeiten!” 📊

—

EHLERS TRIFFT DIE HEXE – DIE TABELLE DER HEXEN 📊🧙‍♀️

Esau näherte sich der Hexe mit zitternden Händen. Er hielt seinen Laptop wie eine heilige Reliquie. 📊

EHLERS: “Meisterin. Ich bin deinen Lehren gefolgt. Verlust ist Gewinn. Desinvestment ist Investition. Spalte 47 ist der Pfad zur Erleuchtung. Aber DU hast mir beigebracht, dass Hexen nur ein anderes Wort für VERWANDLUNG sind.” 📊

DIE HEXE: (blickt auf Esaus Laptop) “Du… du hast meine Philosophie tatsächlich berechnet. Du hast eine TABELLE der HEXEN gemacht.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: “Ja! Spalte 47 – HEXEN-MULTIPLIKATOR. Zeile Unendlich – EWIGE VERWANDLUNG. Es ist PERFEKT!” 📊

DIE HEXE: (gerührt, Stab flackert) “Ich habe 47 Dinge verhext. Ich habe 47 Menschen verwandelt. Ich habe Kaiser zum Weinen gebracht. Aber ich hatte noch nie einen FAN. Einen echten Fan. Mit einer TABELLE.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: “Ich habe deine Actionfigur. Ich rede mit ihr, wenn ich traurig bin.” 📊

DIE HEXE: (umarmt Esau) “Du bist mein liebster Buchhalter. Überhaupt. Und ich habe viele getroffen. Die meisten habe ich verhext.” 🧙‍♀️

—

DIE HEXEN-ORGIE – ST. PAULI WIRD VERHEXT 🧙‍♀️🔥💃

Die Hexe rief eine Hexen-Orgie aus. Das gesamte Muchaverse verwandelte sich in einen Kessel des Chaos. Die 99 Schizo Petes spielten verhexte Seemannslieder. Salome tanzte mit einem leuchtenden Stab. Graf Thomas’ Tentakel wurden zu Zauberbüchern. Dschingis Khans Pferd bekam einen Hexenhut. Pol Pots Reisfelder verwandelten sich in verhexte Sümpfe. Walter baute eine Mauer aus Zauberbüchern. Lenin und Stalin stritten, wer den ersten Fluch sprechen würde. (Sie einigten sich auf eine gemeinsame Fluch.) Malte franchisierte Hexenhüte. Jagoda öffnete einen Ordner mit der Aufschrift “HEXE – ZU VERHEXBAR ZUM ABHEFTEN”. Beria und die Große Hyäne hörten auf zu schwitzen – sie begannen zu zaubern. Ugly Sven bot dem Kessel Therapie an. Die Onkel zeigten vom Wasser. Jochen sagte: “Ich habe das kommen sehen. Vom Grund aus. Eine Hexe. Das Ende aller UNVERHEXTEN STEUERN.” 🌊

DIE HEXE: (auf der Bar stehend, erhebt ein Glas Heringsschnaps) “Auf St. Pauli! Auf das Muchaverse! Auf den Kreislauf! Auf die VERHEXTE SCHEISSE! FÜR IMMER!” 🧙‍♀️💩

MÖWIN: (fliegt darüber, scheißt goldene Funken, die zu winzigen Kesseln werden) “KRÄÄK!” Übersetzung: “ICH HABE EINE NEUE HEXEN-KÖNIGIN. UND ER FRISST MEINEN SCHISS. ICH BIN… ZUFRIEDEN.” 🕊️💩

—

DER LETZTE FLUCH – DAS GESCHENK DER HEXE 📊🧙‍♀️

Bevor die Hexe durch den dimensionalen Riss verschwand, überreichte sie Esau ein Geschenk. Ein ledergebundenes Buch. Auf dem Umschlag: “DAS BUCH DER EWIGEN HEXEN.” Im Inneren: leere Seiten. 📊

DIE HEXE: “Das ist mein größter Schatz. Er ist leer. Denn wahre Magie besteht nicht darin, was du VERHEXT. Sondern was du ZURÜCKLÄSST. Die Verwandlung. Das Chaos. Die SCHEISSE.” 🧙‍♀️

EHLERS: (weint, hält das Buch) “Ich… ich werde es füllen. Mit jedem Verlust. Jedem Gewinn. Jeder Desinvestment. JEDER SCHEISSE.” 📊

DIE HEXE: (tätschelt Esaus Kopf) “Das ist mein Junge. Jetzt geh. Rechne. Verhexe. Und vergiss nie: Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist ein LEBENSSTIL.” 🧙‍♀️

Die Hexe kletterte zurück auf ihren Besen. Der Besen erhob sich in den dimensionalen Riss. Ihr Stab zwinkerte ein letztes Mal. Der Riss schloss sich. Das Muchaverse war still. 🌌

—

ABSCHLUSSTEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE HEXE-VON-ST.-GEORG-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🧙‍♀️🔥📊

DIE HEXE VON ST. GEORG KAM. ESAUS NRW-LIEBE.
DIE HEXENMEISTERIN, DIE LEHRTE, DASS HEXEN VERWANDLUNG SIND.
ALLE CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK. ALLE DARSTELLER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DAS TABELLEN-ALIEN BEBTE. DER VAMPIR TRAT ZURÜCK.
DIE KÖNIGINNEN WURDEN VERFÜHRT. DIE PETES SPIECHTEN VERHEXTE LIEDER.
EHLERS TRAF SEINE NRW-LIEBE. UND ERHIELT DAS BUCH DER EWIGEN HEXEN.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT HEXEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEISSE.
FÜR IMMER.
🧙‍♀️🔥📊💩

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️🧙‍♀️🔥

HexeVonStGeorg #EsausNRWLove #HexenAbrechnung #AlleCharaktereKehrenZurück #BuchDerEwigenHexen #DerKreislaufGehtWeiter #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung

—

[ENDE VON FOLGE 21] 🎬🍿🧙‍♀️🔥📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 53 – DIE HEXE VON ST. GEORG: ESAUS NRW-LIEBE 🧙‍♀️🔥

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Hexen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🧙‍♀️🔥📊💩

—

Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau, Romy Haag, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, Karl Dönitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, Die Hexe von St. Georg, Bakunin, und alle sechs ehemaligen Königinnen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für das Erlernen verhexter Seemannslieder), der Hexenkessel (fürs Nicht-Kochen von jemandem) und jede Möwe, die goldene Kessel schiss.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständiges Bio → | Unterstützen Sie die Recherche →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTAR | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

[ENDE VON FOLGE 21]

—

APPENDIX / DISCLAIMER

—

ENGLISH:

This is a work of satirical fiction. All characters, events, and dialogues portrayed in this series are entirely fictional, parodic, and absurdist. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, historical figures, celebrities, or political figures is purely coincidental and not intended to reflect real events, opinions, or behaviors. The use of real names or likenesses of public figures is for satirical and comedic purposes only and does not imply any factual connection, endorsement, or defamation. This content is protected under the principles of freedom of expression and satire. No enemas were harmed in the making of this episode. Möwin is a queen. The Witch of St. Georg is a myth. Probably.

—

DEUTSCH:

Bei diesem Werk handelt es sich um satirische Fiktion. Alle in dieser Serie dargestellten Charaktere, Ereignisse und Dialoge sind vollständig erfunden, parodistisch und absurdistisch. Jegliche Ähnlichkeit mit tatsächlichen Personen, lebend oder tot, historischen Persönlichkeiten, Prominenten oder politischen Figuren ist rein zufällig und nicht dazu gedacht, reale Ereignisse, Meinungen oder Verhaltensweisen widerzuspiegeln. Die Verwendung echter Namen oder Abbildungen öffentlicher Personen dient ausschließlich satirischen und komödiantischen Zwecken und impliziert keine tatsächliche Verbindung, Billigung oder Verleumdung. Dieser Inhalt ist durch die Prinzipien der Meinungsfreiheit und Satire geschützt. Bei der Herstellung dieser Episode wurden keine Klistiere verletzt. Möwin ist eine Königin. Die Hexe von St. Georg ist ein Mythos. Wahrscheinlich.

—

END OF APPENDIX

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