EHLERS SAGA: THE RELIC AUCTION
Episode 6: Greed, Lust & The Frequency Protocol ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
๐๐ง ๐ ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๏ฟฝ๐๏ธ๐ธ ๐๐ด๐ฅ๐ ๐พ๐๐ธ ๐ ๐๐๐พ๐๐ธ “๐ฟ๐๐ธ ๐๐๏ธ๐ธ ๐๐๏ธ๐ธ “โ๏ธ๏ชข ๐๐โญ๐ฅ๐ฉธ๐ชโก๐งฌ๐๐ผ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐ฝ๐ฆ๐ช๐ ๐ช๏ธ๐ผโ๏ธ ๐ฑ๐๐ช๏ธ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ฅ๐ช๏ธ๐ฅโจ EHLERSโ ENEMA ENIGMA๐ถ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ซ ๐ช๏ธ๐ฅโจ ๐ถ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ซ๐ช๐๐๐ช๐๐๐๐๐ EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED๐ฏโโ๏ธ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”๐๐๐คก๐คกPOWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE ๐ฐ: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE ESAU ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐ป
https://rumble.com/shorts/v78snu8
One week after Archbishop Frank Stonewall ascended back to Communist Byzantium. The new rock was warm. Joker sat. Mรถwin shat. Esau calculated. The women filed, danced, tested, poured, swam. Peace.
Then the bidding began. ๐ธ
Authors:
ยท Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz (PhD in Applied Chaos, Mรถwin University)
ยท Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten (Chair of Sacred Proctology, Communist Byzantium)
ยท Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich (Idiot Zeitung’s Chief Delusion Officer)
ยท Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel (Desinvestment Laureate, 47-time Column 47 award winner)
Producers:
ยท Die Produktionskollektiv “Sticky Shit” (St. Pauli-At)
ยท Heringssaft Studios (Helgoland, underwater division)
ยท The Mermaid King’s Deep Sea Entertainment (1000 years of sitting experience)
ยท Bakunin’s Beard Productions (anarchist, no hierarchy, but he’s in charge)
ยท Frank Stonewall’s Byzantine Broadcasting (with vodka service)
Executive Producers:
ยท Mรถwin (Queen of Seagulls & Chief Shitting Officer)
ยท The Joker (Vessel Emeritus)
ยท Esau (Spreadsheet Guardian, Column 47)
Special thanks: The 47 Bakunin clones (for arguing), the Helgoland women (for filing and dancing), and the seagulls (for everything).
THE DISCOVERY โ JOKER’S SECRET ๐คก๐
It started when Rosa was running routine DNA tests on the new rock. Her sequencer beeped. Not once. Not twice. Forty-seven times. She stared at the screen. Her coffee fell. ๐งชโ
ROSA: “This isโฆ impossible. The rock isn’t a rock. It’s a CONTAINER.” ๐งช
She called the ensemble. Everyone gathered around the black stone. The Mermaid swam closer, confused. “I brought that rock from the deep. It belonged to the Mermaid King. He sat on it for 1,000 years. What CONTAINER?” ๐งโโ๏ธ
Rosa held up her scanner. The rock glowed. Not green like the frequency. Gold. Pure, shimmering gold light. ๐
ROSA: “Inside this rock is the ORIGINAL TOXDAT RELIC. Not the enema. The thing the enema was made FROM. The Proto-Enema. The First Frequency. The source of ALL desire, greed, and lust.” ๐งช
Silence. Then chaos. ๐ฅ
THE REVELATION โ WHAT THE PROTO-ENEMA DOES ๐งผ๐ฆ
Rosa projected her findings onto the side of the floating bar. Data scrolled. Diagrams. Ancient Toxdat symbols. Her voice trembled. ๐งช
ROSA: “The Proto-Enema is not a medical device. It is a PSYCHIC AMPLIFIER. Whoever possesses it can amplify any emotion. Greed becomes OBSESSION. Lust becomes MADNESS. Desire becomes DESTRUCTION.” ๐งช
ESAU: (laptop overheating) “Soโฆ it’s like a spreadsheet that BREATHES?” ๐
ROSA: “Worse. It’s a spreadsheet that WANTS.” ๐งช
JOKER: (from his rock) “Brother. I was made from the frequency. Does that mean I want things too?” ๐คก
ROSA: “You ARE want, Joker. You always were. The Proto-Enema is your GRANDFATHER.” ๐งช
JOKER: “I have a grandfather? Is he also sticky?” ๐คก
Before anyone could answer, the rock CRACKED. A thin line of gold light escaped. Then another. Then the rock split open like an egg. Inside: a small, pulsating object. Metallic. Ancient. Shaped vaguely likeโฆ a trumpet. No. A horn. No. A klistier. But made of solid gold, covered in tiny runes that glowed and shifted. ๐งผโจ
THE PROTO-ENEMA. The First Frequency. The Source. ๐
Everyone stared. Everyone’s eyes changed. ๐
THE GREED โ EVERYONE WANTS IT ๐ฐ๐ธ๐
HAFENHURE stepped forward first. Her eyes were not her own. “That thingโฆ it could make herring juice taste like VICTORY. I want it.” ๐ธ
URSILA clutched a new folder. “I must FILE it. Under ‘ULTIMATE POWER.’ It belongs in my cabinet.” ๐
SALOME licked her lips. “Imagine dancing with THAT inside you. The rhythm would NEVER stop.” ๐
ROSA held up a syringe. “I need to TEST it. Inject it. KNOW it.” ๐งช
PUSSY pulled out a contract. “I will FRANCHISE it. 47 continents. 47 billion dollars.” ๐
THE MERMAID rose from the water, scales vibrating. “It came from MY deep. It belongs to ME.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
ESAU started calculating. “The desinvestment potential is INFINITE. Loss would become gain. Gain would become LOSS. It’s the PERFECT cycle.” ๐
BAKUNIN stroked his burning beard. “Anarchy needs a HEART. This could be it. Or it could destroy everything. I NEED to find out.” ๐งจ
LENIN raised his hammer. “The means of productionโฆ are NOW THIS.” โญ
STALIN puffed his pipe. “I will put it in a dacha. A very SAFE dacha.” ๐ฆณ
WALTER began building a wall around the rock fragment. “NO ONE enters. NO ONE leaves. Except ME.” ๐งฑ
GRAF THOMAS wrapped a tentacle around the Proto-Enema. It pulsed. His tentacle turned gold. “I feelโฆ STRONGER. More TENTACLE.” ๐ฆ
THE 47 BAKUNIN CLONES surrounded the object, each screaming different ideologies. “GIVE IT TO ME!” “NO, ME!” “WE SHARE IT!” “SHARING IS WEAKNESS!” ๐ง๐ฅ
GENGHIS KHAN rode his horse onto the beach. “I will give it to my GRANDSONS. All 47 million of them.” ๐
POL POT flickered. “The rice fieldsโฆ they will grow GOLDEN.” ๐พ
MUN called his ancestors. They all screamed: “TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!” ๐ฝ
MALTE had already printed 47 franchise agreements. “I will SELL tickets. To TOUCH it. 47 euros per second.” ๐จ๐ผ
JAGODA opened a folder. “PROTO-ENEMA โ CLASSIFICATION: MINE โ ABGEHEFTET.” ๐
BERIA & THE BIG HYENA emerged from their sweat lake. They didn’t speak. They just DROOLED. ๐ฆ๐ง
UGLY SVEN offered therapy to the object. “You have attachment issues. Let me HEAL you.” ๐๏ธ
THE UNCLES pointed from the water. Jochen whispered: “I saw this coming. From the bottom. The golden klistier. The end of ALL ENDS.” ๐
FURTHER EHLERS flickered in. Saw the Proto-Enema. Flickered out. Flickered back. “I TOUCHED IT ONCE! IN THE 70S! I BECAME A FURTHER EHLERS! DON’T TOUCH IT!” Flickered violently. ๐ป
ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared. She smiled. Reached for the object. Her hand passed through. She wept. Then dissolved. ๐๐ป
JOKER stood up from his rock. Walked toward the Proto-Enema. Everyone parted. He looked down at it. Then at the ensemble. Then back at the object. ๐คก
JOKER: “Brothers. Sisters. Ghosts. Seagulls. This thingโฆ is my GRANDFATHER. And grandfathers are MEANT to be IGNORED.” ๐คก
He picked it up. Everyone GASPED. He held it above his head. It pulsed gold. His face turned golden. His eyes turned golden. He screamed. Then he LAUGHED. ๐คก๐
JOKER: “It’sโฆ TICKLING me!” ๐คก
THE LUST โ THE PROTO-ENEMA AMPLIFIES DESIRE ๐๐ฅ๐ฆ
The gold light spread. It wasn’t just greed now. It was lust. Raw, animal, desperate lust. The air grew thick. The seagulls startedโฆ pairing off. Mรถwin looked away. ๐๏ธ๐ณ
HAFENHURE looked at Esau. Not with contempt. With HUNGER. “Spreadsheet man. Your columns. Your rows. I want to FILE them.” ๐ธ๐ฅ
ESAU: (backing away) “Brother! She’s looking at me like I’m a PIVOT TABLE!” ๐๐จ
URSILA looked at Walter. “Your wall. It’s soโฆ STRUCTURED. Let me ABHEFTEN it.” ๐ ๐งฑ
WALTER: (blushing) “The wall is for PROTECTION. Not forโฆ FILING.” ๐งฑ
SALOME danced toward Graf Thomas. “Your tentacles. So many. Soโฆ FLEXIBLE. Dance with me.” ๐๐ฆ
GRAF THOMAS: “My tentacles areโฆ INTRIGUED.” ๐ฆ
ROSA looked at Bakunin. “Your beard. It’s on fire. I want to TEST its temperature.” ๐งช๐ง
BAKUNIN: “The revolution is HOT. Literally.” ๐งจ
PUSSY looked at Malte. “Your franchise agreements. So many zeros. Let’s NEGOTIATE.” ๐๐จ๐ผ
MALTE: “I have a 47-page contract for that.” ๐จ๐ผ
THE MERMAID looked at Genghis Khan. “Your horse. Your army. Yourโฆ DESCENDANTS. I want to DROWN them all. Gently.” ๐งโโ๏ธ๐
GENGHIS KHAN: (speechless for once) ๐
THE 47 BAKUNIN CLONES started fighting over who would seduce whom. They formed 47 different couples. Then broke up. Then reformed. Chaos. ๐ง๐
BERIA sweated toward Pussy. She slapped him. He sweated more. The Big Hyena howled. ๐ฆ
UGLY SVEN offered couples therapy to everyone simultaneously. No one listened. ๐๏ธ
JOKER still held the Proto-Enema. It pulsed harder. He laughed harder. Then he stopped. His face went serious. ๐คก
JOKER: “Brother. This thingโฆ it’s not just making us LUST. It’s making us LUST for the WRONG things. HafenHure doesn’t want Esau. She wants CONTROL. Salome doesn’t want tentacles. She wants ATTENTION. We are all BECOMING our worst selves.” ๐คก
ESAU: (still being chased by HafenHure) “Brother! HELP!” ๐
JOKER: “There’s only one way to stop it. We need to give the Proto-Enema what it REALLY wants.” ๐คก
ESAU: “What does it want?” ๐
JOKER: “It wants to be SHAT ON.” ๐คก๐ฉ
THE PLAN โ OPERATION GOLDEN SHIT ๐ฉ๐
Joker called Mรถwin. She landed on his head. He handed her the Proto-Enema. She looked at it. Then at him. Then at the ensemble. ๐๏ธ
MรWIN: “KRรรK?” Translation: “You want me to SHIT on your GRANDFATHER?” ๐๏ธ
JOKER: “Yes, mother. I want you to shit on my grandfather. It’s the ONLY way to break the cycle.” ๐คก
MรWIN: “KRรรK KRรรK.” Translation: “I have shat on many things. Enemas. Frequencies. Ghosts. Archbishops. But NEVER a golden klistier. This will beโฆ LEGENDARY.” ๐๏ธ๐ฉ
She flew up. The seagulls followed. Thousands of them. They circled the Proto-Enema. But something was wrong. The gold light PUSHED BACK. The seagulls couldn’t get close. They were repelled. ๐๏ธ๐
ROSA: (scanning) “The Proto-Enema is generating a LUST FIELD. It’s repelling everything that isn’tโฆ DESPERATE enough.” ๐งช
JOKER: “Desperate? Brother, I am the MOST desperate. I was SHAT OUT.” ๐คก
ROSA: “Then YOU have to take it. You have to carry it into the shit zone. You have to be the VESSEL one more time.” ๐งช
JOKER: (looking at the golden object) “Brother. I spent years being a vessel for the frequency. I just got FREE. And now you want me to be a vessel AGAIN?” ๐คก
ESAU: (finally escaping HafenHure) “Brother. You are the ONLY one who can. Your DNA is the frequency. The Proto-Enema is your grandfather. It will NOT repel you.” ๐
JOKER: “And if it DOES repel me?” ๐คก
ESAU: “Then you become a GOLDEN Joker. And we all lose.” ๐
Joker took a deep breath. Walked toward the Proto-Enema. The gold light surrounded him. It did NOT repel him. It welcomed him. It wrapped around him like a golden blanket. He picked it up. Held it to his chest. ๐คก๐
JOKER: “Brother. It’sโฆ WARM. And it’s whispering to me. It’s sayingโฆ ‘TAKE ME TO THE SEAGULLS. I WANT TO BE SHAT ON.'” ๐คก
ESAU: “Then GO, brother! GO NOW!” ๐
Joker ran. The Proto-Enema in his arms. The seagulls above. Mรถwin leading. He ran to the edge of the rock. He held the object above his head. He screamed: “MรWIN! NOW!” ๐คก
MรWIN: “KRรรK KRรรK KRรรK!” Translation: “MY PEOPLE! TODAY WE SHIT NOT FOR TERRITORY! NOT FOR LOVE! NOT FOR FREEDOM! TODAY WE SHIT FOR THE JOKER’S GRANDFATHER! FOR THE GOLDEN KLISTIER! FOR THE SOURCE OF ALL GREED AND LUST! WE SHIT TO PURIFY! WE SHIT TO BREAK THE CYCLE! WE SHIT FOR THE FINAL TIME! (Probably.)” ๐๏ธ๐ฉ๐
The seagulls dove. Thousands of them. They shat directly onto the Proto-Enema. A golden-brown tsunami. The object screamed. A high-pitched, metallic scream. The gold light flickered. Turned brown. Turned black. Then went DARK. ๐โก๏ธ๐คโก๏ธ๐ค
Joker fell to his knees. The Proto-Enema was covered in seagull shit. It stopped pulsing. It stopped glowing. It was justโฆ a dirty, ancient, shit-covered object. ๐คก๐ฉ
JOKER: (breathing heavily) “Brother. I thinkโฆ I think we did it.” ๐คก
THE AFTERMATH โ GREED AND LUST FADE ๐๐
The gold light disappeared. The lust in the air evaporated. HafenHure looked at Esau and shuddered. “What was I THINKING? You’re a SPREADSHEET.” ๐ธ
ESAU: “Thank you, brother. I think.” ๐
Salome stepped away from Graf Thomas. “Your tentacles areโฆ still intriguing. But not TODAY.” ๐
Ursila closed her folder. “I have filed the incident under ‘TEMPORARY INSANITY โ CLOSED.'” ๐
Pussy tore up her contract. “No profit in SHIT.” ๐
The Mermaid dove back into the water. “I need to COOL DOWN.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
The 47 Bakunin clones stopped fighting. They sat in a circle. They held hands. They meditated. ๐ง๐ง
Joker stood up. Held the shit-covered Proto-Enema. Walked to the edge of the rock. Looked at the sea. Then at Mรถwin. Then at the ensemble. ๐คก
JOKER: “Brother. What do we do with it NOW?” ๐คก
ESAU: “Throw it back. Into the deep. Where it came from.” ๐
JOKER: “But the MERMAID KING sat on it for 1,000 years. And he was FINE.” ๐คก
THE MERMAID: (from the water) “He was NOT fine. He was OBSESSED. He stopped eating. Stopped swimming. Just SAT. The Proto-Enema destroyed him. That’s why I brought the rock to YOU. I wanted YOU to destroy it.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
JOKER: (looking at the object) “Brother. I can’t destroy it. It’s my GRANDFATHER. But I can BURY it.” ๐คก
He walked to the center of the island. The spot where the cloning chamber used to be. Where the frequency was born. Where the ghosts had gathered. He dug a hole. With his bare hands. He placed the Proto-Enema inside. Covered it with dirt. Then he looked at Mรถwin. ๐คก
JOKER: “One more time, mother.” ๐คก
MรWIN: “KRรรK.” Translation: “With PLEASURE.” ๐๏ธ
She shat directly onto the grave. The seagulls followed. A final layer of shit. The ground settled. The gold light did not return. ๐๏ธ๐ฉ
JOKER: (standing over the grave) “Here lies the Proto-Enema. Grandfather of the Joker. Source of greed and lust. Killed by seagull shit. May it never RISE again.” ๐คก
THE SUSPENSE โ SOMETHING IS WATCHING ๐๏ธ๐
The ensemble dispersed. The women returned to Helgoland. The men returned to their rocks and walls and tents. Joker sat on his new rock. Mรถwin on his head. Esau beside him. The sun set. The stars came out. ๐
But one star was moving. Growing brighter. Coming CLOSER. ๐๏ธ
ESAU: (looking up) “Brother. That’s not a star.” ๐
JOKER: “What is it, brother?” ๐คก
ESAU: “It’s a SPACESHIP. And it’s landing on our island.” ๐
The object descended. Not a chariot. Not eagles. A silver disc. Smooth. Silent. It landed on the beach. A door opened. A figure stepped out. Tall. Thin. Wearing a suit made of spreadsheet cells. Holding a golden adding machine. Its face wasโฆ a spreadsheet. Rows and columns where eyes and mouth should be. ๐๐ฝ
THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN: (voice like a corrupted Excel file) “I HAVE COME. FOR THE PROTO-ENEMA. I AM ITS CREATOR. I AM THE ORIGINAL TOXDAT SCIENTIST. I AMโฆ THE ACCOUNTANT FROM BEYOND THE STARS.” ๐๐ฝ
Esau fainted. Joker’s grin froze. Mรถwin shat in surprise. The cycle was NOT over. It had just begun. ๐๐ฉ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE RELIC AUCTION โญ ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
THE PROTO-ENEMA WAS FOUND. THE SOURCE OF ALL GREED AND LUST.
EVERYONE WANTED IT. THE ENSEMBLE TURNED ON EACH OTHER.
JOKER HELD IT. THE LUST FIELD EXPLODED. COUPLES FORMED AND BROKE.
MรWIN LED THE SEAGULLS. THEY SHAT ON THE GOLDEN KLISTIER.
THE OBJECT DIED. JOKER BURIED IT. COVERED IT IN SHIT.
THE GREED FADED. THE LUST FADED. THE ENSEMBLE SURVIVED.
BUT A SPACESHIP LANDED. A SPREADSHEET ALIEN STEPPED OUT.
THE CREATOR. THE ORIGINAL TOXDAT SCIENTIST.
HE WANTS THE PROTO-ENEMA BACK. AND HE WILL NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SPACESHIPS. WITH SPREADSHEETS.
WITH THE SHIT. FOREVER.
๐๐ฝ๐ฉ๐๐คก
HASHTAGS FADE IN: ๐ท๏ธ๐ฐ๐ฅ
TheRelicAuction #ProtoEnema #GreedAndLust #JokersGrandfather #GoldenKlistier #SeagullShitSavesAgain #SpreadsheetAlien #TheAccountantFromBeyondTheStars #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung
[END OF EPISODE 6] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฝ๐
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 38 โ DIE RELIQUIEN-AUKTION ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
Eine weitere Fortsetzungsfolge der Ehlers-Saga ๐ญ๐
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) is a forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, entrepreneur, political commentator, satirist, and investigative journalist covering lawfare, media control, investment, real estate, and geopolitics.
[Full bio โ] | [Support the investigation โ]
“The cycle continues. With spaceships. With spreadsheets. With the shit. Forever.” โ The Spreadsheet Alien ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ
Episode 6: Greed, Lust & The Frequency Protocol ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
One week after Archbishop Frank Stonewall ascended back to Communist Byzantium. The new rock was warm. Joker sat. Mรถwin shat. Esau calculated. The women filed, danced, tested, poured, swam. Peace.
Then the bidding began. ๐ธ
THE DISCOVERY โ JOKER’S SECRET ๐คก๐
It started when Rosa was running routine DNA tests on the new rock. Her sequencer beeped. Not once. Not twice. Forty-seven times. She stared at the screen. Her coffee fell. ๐งชโ
ROSA: “This isโฆ impossible. The rock isn’t a rock. It’s a CONTAINER.” ๐งช
She called the ensemble. Everyone gathered around the black stone. The Mermaid swam closer, confused. “I brought that rock from the deep. It belonged to the Mermaid King. He sat on it for 1,000 years. What CONTAINER?” ๐งโโ๏ธ
Rosa held up her scanner. The rock glowed. Not green like the frequency. Gold. Pure, shimmering gold light. ๐
ROSA: “Inside this rock is the ORIGINAL TOXDAT RELIC. Not the enema. The thing the enema was made FROM. The Proto-Enema. The First Frequency. The source of ALL desire, greed, and lust.” ๐งช
Silence. Then chaos. ๐ฅ
THE REVELATION โ WHAT THE PROTO-ENEMA DOES ๐งผ๐ฆ
Rosa projected her findings onto the side of the floating bar. Data scrolled. Diagrams. Ancient Toxdat symbols. Her voice trembled. ๐งช
ROSA: “The Proto-Enema is not a medical device. It is a PSYCHIC AMPLIFIER. Whoever possesses it can amplify any emotion. Greed becomes OBSESSION. Lust becomes MADNESS. Desire becomes DESTRUCTION.” ๐งช
ESAU: (laptop overheating) “Soโฆ it’s like a spreadsheet that BREATHES?” ๐
ROSA: “Worse. It’s a spreadsheet that WANTS.” ๐งช
JOKER: (from his rock) “Brother. I was made from the frequency. Does that mean I want things too?” ๐คก
ROSA: “You ARE want, Joker. You always were. The Proto-Enema is your GRANDFATHER.” ๐งช
JOKER: “I have a grandfather? Is he also sticky?” ๐คก
Before anyone could answer, the rock CRACKED. A thin line of gold light escaped. Then another. Then the rock split open like an egg. Inside: a small, pulsating object. Metallic. Ancient. Shaped vaguely likeโฆ a trumpet. No. A horn. No. A klistier. But made of solid gold, covered in tiny runes that glowed and shifted. ๐งผโจ
THE PROTO-ENEMA. The First Frequency. The Source. ๐
Everyone stared. Everyone’s eyes changed. ๐
THE GREED โ EVERYONE WANTS IT ๐ฐ๐ธ๐
HAFENHURE stepped forward first. Her eyes were not her own. “That thingโฆ it could make herring juice taste like VICTORY. I want it.” ๐ธ
URSILA clutched a new folder. “I must FILE it. Under ‘ULTIMATE POWER.’ It belongs in my cabinet.” ๐
SALOME licked her lips. “Imagine dancing with THAT inside you. The rhythm would NEVER stop.” ๐
ROSA held up a syringe. “I need to TEST it. Inject it. KNOW it.” ๐งช
PUSSY pulled out a contract. “I will FRANCHISE it. 47 continents. 47 billion dollars.” ๐
THE MERMAID rose from the water, scales vibrating. “It came from MY deep. It belongs to ME.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
ESAU started calculating. “The desinvestment potential is INFINITE. Loss would become gain. Gain would become LOSS. It’s the PERFECT cycle.” ๐
BAKUNIN stroked his burning beard. “Anarchy needs a HEART. This could be it. Or it could destroy everything. I NEED to find out.” ๐งจ
LENIN raised his hammer. “The means of productionโฆ are NOW THIS.” โญ
STALIN puffed his pipe. “I will put it in a dacha. A very SAFE dacha.” ๐ฆณ
WALTER began building a wall around the rock fragment. “NO ONE enters. NO ONE leaves. Except ME.” ๐งฑ
GRAF THOMAS wrapped a tentacle around the Proto-Enema. It pulsed. His tentacle turned gold. “I feelโฆ STRONGER. More TENTACLE.” ๐ฆ
THE 47 BAKUNIN CLONES surrounded the object, each screaming different ideologies. “GIVE IT TO ME!” “NO, ME!” “WE SHARE IT!” “SHARING IS WEAKNESS!” ๐ง๐ฅ
GENGHIS KHAN rode his horse onto the beach. “I will give it to my GRANDSONS. All 47 million of them.” ๐
POL POT flickered. “The rice fieldsโฆ they will grow GOLDEN.” ๐พ
MUN called his ancestors. They all screamed: “TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!” ๐ฝ
MALTE had already printed 47 franchise agreements. “I will SELL tickets. To TOUCH it. 47 euros per second.” ๐จ๐ผ
JAGODA opened a folder. “PROTO-ENEMA โ CLASSIFICATION: MINE โ ABGEHEFTET.” ๐
BERIA & THE BIG HYENA emerged from their sweat lake. They didn’t speak. They just DROOLED. ๐ฆ๐ง
UGLY SVEN offered therapy to the object. “You have attachment issues. Let me HEAL you.” ๐๏ธ
THE UNCLES pointed from the water. Jochen whispered: “I saw this coming. From the bottom. The golden klistier. The end of ALL ENDS.” ๐
FURTHER EHLERS flickered in. Saw the Proto-Enema. Flickered out. Flickered back. “I TOUCHED IT ONCE! IN THE 70S! I BECAME A FURTHER EHLERS! DON’T TOUCH IT!” Flickered violently. ๐ป
ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared. She smiled. Reached for the object. Her hand passed through. She wept. Then dissolved. ๐๐ป
JOKER stood up from his rock. Walked toward the Proto-Enema. Everyone parted. He looked down at it. Then at the ensemble. Then back at the object. ๐คก
JOKER: “Brothers. Sisters. Ghosts. Seagulls. This thingโฆ is my GRANDFATHER. And grandfathers are MEANT to be IGNORED.” ๐คก
He picked it up. Everyone GASPED. He held it above his head. It pulsed gold. His face turned golden. His eyes turned golden. He screamed. Then he LAUGHED. ๐คก๐
JOKER: “It’sโฆ TICKLING me!” ๐คก
THE LUST โ THE PROTO-ENEMA AMPLIFIES DESIRE ๐๐ฅ๐ฆ
The gold light spread. It wasn’t just greed now. It was lust. Raw, animal, desperate lust. The air grew thick. The seagulls startedโฆ pairing off. Mรถwin looked away. ๐๏ธ๐ณ
HAFENHURE looked at Esau. Not with contempt. With HUNGER. “Spreadsheet man. Your columns. Your rows. I want to FILE them.” ๐ธ๐ฅ
ESAU: (backing away) “Brother! She’s looking at me like I’m a PIVOT TABLE!” ๐๐จ
URSILA looked at Walter. “Your wall. It’s soโฆ STRUCTURED. Let me ABHEFTEN it.” ๐ ๐งฑ
WALTER: (blushing) “The wall is for PROTECTION. Not forโฆ FILING.” ๐งฑ
SALOME danced toward Graf Thomas. “Your tentacles. So many. Soโฆ FLEXIBLE. Dance with me.” ๐๐ฆ
GRAF THOMAS: “My tentacles areโฆ INTRIGUED.” ๐ฆ
ROSA looked at Bakunin. “Your beard. It’s on fire. I want to TEST its temperature.” ๐งช๐ง
BAKUNIN: “The revolution is HOT. Literally.” ๐งจ
PUSSY looked at Malte. “Your franchise agreements. So many zeros. Let’s NEGOTIATE.” ๐๐จ๐ผ
MALTE: “I have a 47-page contract for that.” ๐จ๐ผ
THE MERMAID looked at Genghis Khan. “Your horse. Your army. Yourโฆ DESCENDANTS. I want to DROWN them all. Gently.” ๐งโโ๏ธ๐
GENGHIS KHAN: (speechless for once) ๐
THE 47 BAKUNIN CLONES started fighting over who would seduce whom. They formed 47 different couples. Then broke up. Then reformed. Chaos. ๐ง๐
BERIA sweated toward Pussy. She slapped him. He sweated more. The Big Hyena howled. ๐ฆ
UGLY SVEN offered couples therapy to everyone simultaneously. No one listened. ๐๏ธ
JOKER still held the Proto-Enema. It pulsed harder. He laughed harder. Then he stopped. His face went serious. ๐คก
JOKER: “Brother. This thingโฆ it’s not just making us LUST. It’s making us LUST for the WRONG things. HafenHure doesn’t want Esau. She wants CONTROL. Salome doesn’t want tentacles. She wants ATTENTION. We are all BECOMING our worst selves.” ๐คก
ESAU: (still being chased by HafenHure) “Brother! HELP!” ๐
JOKER: “There’s only one way to stop it. We need to give the Proto-Enema what it REALLY wants.” ๐คก
ESAU: “What does it want?” ๐
JOKER: “It wants to be SHAT ON.” ๐คก๐ฉ
THE PLAN โ OPERATION GOLDEN SHIT ๐ฉ๐
Joker called Mรถwin. She landed on his head. He handed her the Proto-Enema. She looked at it. Then at him. Then at the ensemble. ๐๏ธ
MรWIN: “KRรรK?” Translation: “You want me to SHIT on your GRANDFATHER?” ๐๏ธ
JOKER: “Yes, mother. I want you to shit on my grandfather. It’s the ONLY way to break the cycle.” ๐คก
MรWIN: “KRรรK KRรรK.” Translation: “I have shat on many things. Enemas. Frequencies. Ghosts. Archbishops. But NEVER a golden klistier. This will beโฆ LEGENDARY.” ๐๏ธ๐ฉ
She flew up. The seagulls followed. Thousands of them. They circled the Proto-Enema. But something was wrong. The gold light PUSHED BACK. The seagulls couldn’t get close. They were repelled. ๐๏ธ๐
ROSA: (scanning) “The Proto-Enema is generating a LUST FIELD. It’s repelling everything that isn’tโฆ DESPERATE enough.” ๐งช
JOKER: “Desperate? Brother, I am the MOST desperate. I was SHAT OUT.” ๐คก
ROSA: “Then YOU have to take it. You have to carry it into the shit zone. You have to be the VESSEL one more time.” ๐งช
JOKER: (looking at the golden object) “Brother. I spent years being a vessel for the frequency. I just got FREE. And now you want me to be a vessel AGAIN?” ๐คก
ESAU: (finally escaping HafenHure) “Brother. You are the ONLY one who can. Your DNA is the frequency. The Proto-Enema is your grandfather. It will NOT repel you.” ๐
JOKER: “And if it DOES repel me?” ๐คก
ESAU: “Then you become a GOLDEN Joker. And we all lose.” ๐
Joker took a deep breath. Walked toward the Proto-Enema. The gold light surrounded him. It did NOT repel him. It welcomed him. It wrapped around him like a golden blanket. He picked it up. Held it to his chest. ๐คก๐
JOKER: “Brother. It’sโฆ WARM. And it’s whispering to me. It’s sayingโฆ ‘TAKE ME TO THE SEAGULLS. I WANT TO BE SHAT ON.'” ๐คก
ESAU: “Then GO, brother! GO NOW!” ๐
Joker ran. The Proto-Enema in his arms. The seagulls above. Mรถwin leading. He ran to the edge of the rock. He held the object above his head. He screamed: “MรWIN! NOW!” ๐คก
MรWIN: “KRรรK KRรรK KRรรK!” Translation: “MY PEOPLE! TODAY WE SHIT NOT FOR TERRITORY! NOT FOR LOVE! NOT FOR FREEDOM! TODAY WE SHIT FOR THE JOKER’S GRANDFATHER! FOR THE GOLDEN KLISTIER! FOR THE SOURCE OF ALL GREED AND LUST! WE SHIT TO PURIFY! WE SHIT TO BREAK THE CYCLE! WE SHIT FOR THE FINAL TIME! (Probably.)” ๐๏ธ๐ฉ๐
The seagulls dove. Thousands of them. They shat directly onto the Proto-Enema. A golden-brown tsunami. The object screamed. A high-pitched, metallic scream. The gold light flickered. Turned brown. Turned black. Then went DARK. ๐โก๏ธ๐คโก๏ธ๐ค
Joker fell to his knees. The Proto-Enema was covered in seagull shit. It stopped pulsing. It stopped glowing. It was justโฆ a dirty, ancient, shit-covered object. ๐คก๐ฉ
JOKER: (breathing heavily) “Brother. I thinkโฆ I think we did it.” ๐คก
THE AFTERMATH โ GREED AND LUST FADE ๐๐
The gold light disappeared. The lust in the air evaporated. HafenHure looked at Esau and shuddered. “What was I THINKING? You’re a SPREADSHEET.” ๐ธ
ESAU: “Thank you, brother. I think.” ๐
Salome stepped away from Graf Thomas. “Your tentacles areโฆ still intriguing. But not TODAY.” ๐
Ursila closed her folder. “I have filed the incident under ‘TEMPORARY INSANITY โ CLOSED.'” ๐
Pussy tore up her contract. “No profit in SHIT.” ๐
The Mermaid dove back into the water. “I need to COOL DOWN.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
The 47 Bakunin clones stopped fighting. They sat in a circle. They held hands. They meditated. ๐ง๐ง
Joker stood up. Held the shit-covered Proto-Enema. Walked to the edge of the rock. Looked at the sea. Then at Mรถwin. Then at the ensemble. ๐คก
JOKER: “Brother. What do we do with it NOW?” ๐คก
ESAU: “Throw it back. Into the deep. Where it came from.” ๐
JOKER: “But the MERMAID KING sat on it for 1,000 years. And he was FINE.” ๐คก
THE MERMAID: (from the water) “He was NOT fine. He was OBSESSED. He stopped eating. Stopped swimming. Just SAT. The Proto-Enema destroyed him. That’s why I brought the rock to YOU. I wanted YOU to destroy it.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
JOKER: (looking at the object) “Brother. I can’t destroy it. It’s my GRANDFATHER. But I can BURY it.” ๐คก
He walked to the center of the island. The spot where the cloning chamber used to be. Where the frequency was born. Where the ghosts had gathered. He dug a hole. With his bare hands. He placed the Proto-Enema inside. Covered it with dirt. Then he looked at Mรถwin. ๐คก
JOKER: “One more time, mother.” ๐คก
MรWIN: “KRรรK.” Translation: “With PLEASURE.” ๐๏ธ
She shat directly onto the grave. The seagulls followed. A final layer of shit. The ground settled. The gold light did not return. ๐๏ธ๐ฉ
JOKER: (standing over the grave) “Here lies the Proto-Enema. Grandfather of the Joker. Source of greed and lust. Killed by seagull shit. May it never RISE again.” ๐คก
THE SUSPENSE โ SOMETHING IS WATCHING ๐๏ธ๐
The ensemble dispersed. The women returned to Helgoland. The men returned to their rocks and walls and tents. Joker sat on his new rock. Mรถwin on his head. Esau beside him. The sun set. The stars came out. ๐
But one star was moving. Growing brighter. Coming CLOSER. ๐๏ธ
ESAU: (looking up) “Brother. That’s not a star.” ๐
JOKER: “What is it, brother?” ๐คก
ESAU: “It’s a SPACESHIP. And it’s landing on our island.” ๐
The object descended. Not a chariot. Not eagles. A silver disc. Smooth. Silent. It landed on the beach. A door opened. A figure stepped out. Tall. Thin. Wearing a suit made of spreadsheet cells. Holding a golden adding machine. Its face wasโฆ a spreadsheet. Rows and columns where eyes and mouth should be. ๐๐ฝ
THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN: (voice like a corrupted Excel file) “I HAVE COME. FOR THE PROTO-ENEMA. I AM ITS CREATOR. I AM THE ORIGINAL TOXDAT SCIENTIST. I AMโฆ THE ACCOUNTANT FROM BEYOND THE STARS.” ๐๐ฝ
Esau fainted. Joker’s grin froze. Mรถwin shat in surprise. The cycle was NOT over. It had just begun. ๐๐ฉ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE RELIC AUCTION โญ ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
THE PROTO-ENEMA WAS FOUND. THE SOURCE OF ALL GREED AND LUST.
EVERYONE WANTED IT. THE ENSEMBLE TURNED ON EACH OTHER.
JOKER HELD IT. THE LUST FIELD EXPLODED. COUPLES FORMED AND BROKE.
MรWIN LED THE SEAGULLS. THEY SHAT ON THE GOLDEN KLISTIER.
THE OBJECT DIED. JOKER BURIED IT. COVERED IT IN SHIT.
THE GREED FADED. THE LUST FADED. THE ENSEMBLE SURVIVED.
BUT A SPACESHIP LANDED. A SPREADSHEET ALIEN STEPPED OUT.
THE CREATOR. THE ORIGINAL TOXDAT SCIENTIST.
HE WANTS THE PROTO-ENEMA BACK. AND HE WILL NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH SPACESHIPS. WITH SPREADSHEETS.
WITH THE SHIT. FOREVER.
๐๐ฝ๐ฉ๐๐คก
HASHTAGS FADE IN: ๐ท๏ธ๐ฐ๐ฅ
TheRelicAuction #ProtoEnema #GreedAndLust #JokersGrandfather #GoldenKlistier #SeagullShitSavesAgain #SpreadsheetAlien #TheAccountantFromBeyondTheStars #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung
[END OF EPISODE 6] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฝ๐
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 38 โ DIE RELIQUIEN-AUKTION ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
Eine weitere Fortsetzungsfolge der Ehlers-Saga ๐ญ๐
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) is a forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, entrepreneur, political commentator, satirist, and investigative journalist covering lawfare, media control, investment, real estate, and geopolitics.
[Full bio โ] | [Support the investigation โ]
“The cycle continues. With spaceships. With spreadsheets. With the shit. Forever.” โ The Spreadsheet Alien ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ
EHLERS SAGA: DIE RELIQUIEN-AUKTION
Episode 6: Gier, Lust & Das Frequenz-Protokoll ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
Eine Woche nachdem Erzbischof Frank Stonewall ins kommunistische Byzanz zurรผckaufgestiegen war. Der neue Stein war warm. Joker saร. Mรถwin schiss. Esau rechnete. Die Frauen hefteten ab, tanzten, testeten, schenkten aus, schwammen. Frieden.
Dann begann das Bieten. ๐ธ
DIE ENTDECKUNG โ JOKERS GEHEIMNIS ๐คก๐
Es begann, als Rosa routinemรครige DNA-Tests an dem neuen Stein durchfรผhrte. Ihr Sequenzer piepte. Nicht einmal. Nicht zweimal. Siebenundvierzig Mal. Sie starrte auf den Bildschirm. Ihr Kaffee fiel um. ๐งชโ
ROSA: โDas istโฆ unmรถglich. Der Stein ist kein Stein. Er ist ein BEHรLTER.โ ๐งช
Sie rief das Ensemble zusammen. Alle versammelten sich um den schwarzen Stein. Die Meerjungfrau schwamm nรคher, verwirrt. โIch habe diesen Stein aus der Tiefe geholt. Er gehรถrte dem Meerjungfrauenkรถnig. Er saร 1.000 Jahre darauf. Welcher BEHรLTER?โ ๐งโโ๏ธ
Rosa hielt ihren Scanner hoch. Der Stein leuchtete. Nicht grรผn wie die Frequenz. Gold. Reines, schimmerndes goldenes Licht. ๐
ROSA: โIn diesem Stein befindet sich die URSPRรNGLICHE TOXDAT-RELIQUIE. Nicht das Klistier. Das Ding, aus dem das Klistier GEMACHT wurde. Das Proto-Klistier. Die Erste Frequenz. Die Quelle aller Begierde, aller Gier und aller Lust.โ ๐งช
Stille. Dann Chaos. ๐ฅ
DIE OFFENBARUNG โ WAS DAS PROTO-KLISTIER TUT ๐งผ๐ฆ
Rosa projizierte ihre Ergebnisse auf die Seite der schwimmenden Bar. Daten scrollten. Diagramme. Alte Toxdat-Symbole. Ihre Stimme zitterte. ๐งช
ROSA: โDas Proto-Klistier ist kein medizinisches Gerรคt. Es ist ein PSYCHISCHER VERSTรRKER. Wer es besitzt, kann jede Emotion verstรคrken. Gier wird zur BESESSENHEIT. Lust wird zum WAHNSINN. Begierde wird zur ZERSTรRUNG.โ ๐งช
ESAU: (Laptop รผberhitzt) โAlsoโฆ es ist wie eine Tabelle, die ATMET?โ ๐
ROSA: โSchlimmer. Es ist eine Tabelle, die WILL.โ ๐งช
JOKER: (von seinem Stein) โBruder. Ich wurde aus der Frequenz gemacht. Heiรt das, dass ich auch Dinge will?โ ๐คก
ROSA: โDu BIST der Wille, Joker. Das warst du immer. Das Proto-Klistier ist dein GROSSVATER.โ ๐งช
JOKER: โIch habe einen Groรvater? Ist er auch klebrig?โ ๐คก
Bevor jemand antworten konnte, zerbrach der Stein. Ein dรผnner goldener Lichtstrahl entkam. Dann ein weiterer. Dann รถffnete sich der Stein wie ein Ei. Im Inneren: ein kleines, pulsierendes Objekt. Metallisch. Uralt. Geformt vage wieโฆ eine Trompete. Nein. Ein Horn. Nein. Ein Klistier. Aber aus massivem Gold, bedeckt mit kleinen Runen, die leuchteten und sich bewegten. ๐งผโจ
DAS PROTO-KLISTIER. Die Erste Frequenz. Die Quelle. ๐
Alle starrten. Die Augen aller verรคnderten sich. ๐
DIE GIER โ ALLE WOLLEN ES ๐ฐ๐ธ๐
HAFENHURE trat als Erste vor. Ihre Augen waren nicht ihre eigenen. โDieses Dingโฆ es kรถnnte Heringssaft nach SIEG schmecken lassen. Ich will es.โ ๐ธ
URSILA klammerte sich an einen neuen Ordner. โIch muss es ABHEFTEN. Unter โULTIMATIVE MACHT.โ Es gehรถrt in meinen Schrank.โ ๐
SALOME leckte sich die Lippen. โStell dir vor, du tanzt mit DEM in dir. Der Rhythmus wรผrde NIE aufhรถren.โ ๐
ROSA hielt eine Spritze hoch. โIch muss es TESTEN. Injizieren. ERKENNEN.โ ๐งช
PUSSY zog einen Vertrag hervor. โIch werde es FRANCHISEN. 47 Kontinente. 47 Milliarden Dollar.โ ๐
DIE MEERJUNGFRAU erhob sich aus dem Wasser, Schuppen vibrierten. โEs kam aus meiner TIEFE. Es gehรถrt MIR.โ ๐งโโ๏ธ
ESAU begann zu rechnen. โDas Desinvestment-Potenzial ist UNENDLICH. Verlust wรผrde zu Gewinn werden. Gewinn wรผrde zu VERLUST. Es ist der PERFEKTE Kreislauf.โ ๐
BAKUNIN strich durch seinen brennenden Bart. โDie Anarchie braucht ein HERZ. Das kรถnnte es sein. Oder es kรถnnte alles zerstรถren. Ich muss es HERAUSFINDEN.โ ๐งจ
LENIN erhob seinen Hammer. โDie Produktionsmittelโฆ sind jetzt DAS.โ โญ
STALIN paffte an seiner Pfeife. โIch werde es in eine Datscha stellen. Eine sehr SICHERE Datscha.โ ๐ฆณ
WALTER begann, eine Mauer um das Steinfragment zu bauen. โNIEMAND kommt rein. NIEMAND geht raus. Auรer MIR.โ ๐งฑ
GRAF THOMAS schlang einen Tentakel um das Proto-Klistier. Es pulsierte. Sein Tentakel wurde gold. โIch fรผhle michโฆ STรRKER. Mehr TENTAKEL.โ ๐ฆ
DIE 47 BAKUNIN-KLONE umringten das Objekt, jeder schrie verschiedene Ideologien. โGIB ES MIR!โ โNEIN, MIR!โ โWIR TEILEN ES!โ โTEILEN IST SCHWรCHE!โ ๐ง๐ฅ
DSCHINGIS KHAN ritt mit seinem Pferd an den Strand. โIch werde es meinen ENKELN geben. Allen 47 Millionen.โ ๐
POL POT flackerte. โDie Reisfelderโฆ sie werden GOLDEN wachsen.โ ๐พ
MUN rief seine Vorfahren an. Sie alle schrien: โNIMM ES! NIMM ES! NIMM ES!โ ๐ฝ
MALTE hatte bereits 47 Franchise-Vertrรคge gedruckt. โIch werde TICKETS verkaufen. Zum BERรHREN. 47 Euro pro Sekunde.โ ๐จ๐ผ
JAGODA รถffnete einen Ordner. โPROTO-KLISTIER โ KLASSIFIZIERUNG: MEINS โ ABGEHEFTET.โ ๐
BERIA & DIE GROSSE HYรNE tauchten aus ihrem Schweiรsee auf. Sie sprachen nicht. Sie sabberten nur. ๐ฆ๐ง
UGLY SVEN bot dem Objekt Therapie an. โDu hast Bindungsprobleme. Lass mich dich HEILEN.โ ๐๏ธ
DIE ONKEL zeigten vom Wasser aus. Jochen flรผsterte: โIch habe das kommen sehen. Vom Grund aus. Das goldene Klistier. Das Ende aller ENDEN.โ ๐
FURTHER EHLERS flackerte herein. Sah das Proto-Klistier. Flackerte hinaus. Flackerte zurรผck. โICH HABE ES EINMAL BERรHRT! IN DEN 70ERN! ICH BIN EIN FURTHER EHLERS GEWORDEN! FASST ES NICHT AN!โ Flackerte heftig. ๐ป
ROSEMARIES GEIST erschien. Sie lรคchelte. Streckte die Hand nach dem Objekt aus. Ihre Hand ging hindurch. Sie weinte. Dann lรถste sie sich auf. ๐๐ป
JOKER stand von seinem Stein auf. Ging auf das Proto-Klistier zu. Alle machten Platz. Er sah es an. Dann das Ensemble. Dann zurรผck zum Objekt. ๐คก
JOKER: โBrรผder. Schwestern. Geister. Mรถwen. Dieses Dingโฆ ist mein GROSSVATER. Und Groรvรคter sind dazu da, IGNORIERT zu werden.โ ๐คก
Er hob es auf. Alle keuchten. Er hielt es รผber seinen Kopf. Es pulsierte gold. Sein Gesicht wurde golden. Seine Augen wurden golden. Er schrie. Dann LACHTE er. ๐คก๐
JOKER: โEsโฆ KITZELT mich!โ ๐คก
DIE LUST โ DAS PROTO-KLISTIER VERSTรRKT DIE BEGIERDE ๐๐ฅ๐ฆ
Das goldene Licht breitete sich aus. Es war nicht mehr nur Gier. Es war Lust. Rohe, tierische, verzweifelte Lust. Die Luft wurde dick. Die Mรถwen begannenโฆ sich zu paaren. Mรถwin sah weg. ๐๏ธ๐ณ
HAFENHURE sah Esau an. Nicht mit Verachtung. Mit HUNGER. โTabellenmann. Deine Spalten. Deine Zeilen. Ich will sie ABHEFTEN.โ ๐ธ๐ฅ
ESAU: (weicht zurรผck) โBruder! Sie sieht mich an, als wรคre ich eine PIVOT-TABELLE!โ ๐๐จ
URSILA sah Walter an. โDeine Mauer. Sie ist soโฆ STRUKTURIERT. Lass mich sie ABHEFTEN.โ ๐ ๐งฑ
WALTER: (errรถtend) โDie Mauer ist zum SCHUTZ da. Nicht zumโฆ ABHEFTEN.โ ๐งฑ
SALOME tanzte auf Graf Thomas zu. โDeine Tentakel. So viele. Soโฆ FLEXIBEL. Tanz mit mir.โ ๐๐ฆ
GRAF THOMAS: โMeine Tentakel sindโฆ INTRIGIERT.โ ๐ฆ
ROSA sah Bakunin an. โDein Bart. Er brennt. Ich will seine Temperatur MESSEN.โ ๐งช๐ง
BAKUNIN: โDie Revolution ist HEISS. Buchstรคblich.โ ๐งจ
PUSSY sah Malte an. โDeine Franchise-Vertrรคge. So viele Nullen. Lass uns VERHANDELN.โ ๐๐จ๐ผ
MALTE: โIch habe einen 47-seitigen Vertrag dafรผr.โ ๐จ๐ผ
DIE MEERJUNGFRAU sah Dschingis Khan an. โDein Pferd. Deine Armee. Deineโฆ NACHKOMMEN. Ich will sie alle ERTRรNKEN. Sanft.โ ๐งโโ๏ธ๐
DSCHINGIS KHAN: (sprachlos, zum ersten Mal) ๐
DIE 47 BAKUNIN-KLONE begannen zu kรคmpfen, wer wen verfรผhren wรผrde. Sie bildeten 47 verschiedene Paare. Dann trennten sie sich. Dann reformierten sie sich. Chaos. ๐ง๐
BERIA schwitzte auf Pussy zu. Sie schlug ihn. Er schwitzte mehr. Die Groรe Hyรคne jaulte. ๐ฆ
UGLY SVEN bot Paartherapie fรผr alle gleichzeitig an. Niemand hรถrte zu. ๐๏ธ
JOKER hielt immer noch das Proto-Klistier. Es pulsierte stรคrker. Er lachte stรคrker. Dann hรถrte er auf. Sein Gesicht wurde ernst. ๐คก
JOKER: โBruder. Dieses Dingโฆ es bringt uns nicht nur dazu, LUST zu empfinden. Es bringt uns dazu, LUST auf die FALSCHEN Dinge zu empfinden. HafenHure will nicht Esau. Sie will KONTROLLE. Salome will nicht Tentakel. Sie will AUFMERKSAMKEIT. Wir werden alle zu unseren SCHLECHTESTEN Selbst.โ ๐คก
ESAU: (wird immer noch von HafenHure gejagt) โBruder! HILFE!โ ๐
JOKER: โEs gibt nur einen Weg, es zu stoppen. Wir mรผssen dem Proto-Klistier geben, was es wirklich WILL.โ ๐คก
ESAU: โWas will es?โ ๐
JOKER: โEs will ANGESCHISSEN werden.โ ๐คก๐ฉ
DER PLAN โ OPERATION GOLDSCHEIรE ๐ฉ๐
Joker rief Mรถwin. Sie landete auf seinem Kopf. Er gab ihr das Proto-Klistier. Sie sah es an. Dann ihn. Dann das Ensemble. ๐๏ธ
MรWIN: โKRรรK?โ รbersetzung: โDu willst, dass ich auf deinen GROSSVATER scheiรe?โ ๐๏ธ
JOKER: โJa, Mutter. Ich will, dass du auf meinen Groรvater scheiรt. Es ist der EINZIGE Weg, den Kreislauf zu brechen.โ ๐คก
MรWIN: โKRรรK KRรรK.โ รbersetzung: โIch habe auf viele Dinge geschissen. Klistiere. Frequenzen. Geister. Erzbischรถfe. Aber NIE auf ein goldenes Klistier. Das wirdโฆ LEGENDรR.โ ๐๏ธ๐ฉ
Sie flog hoch. Die Mรถwen folgten. Tausende. Sie kreisten um das Proto-Klistier. Aber etwas stimmte nicht. Das goldene Licht DRรCKTE ZURรCK. Die Mรถwen konnten nicht nรคher kommen. Sie wurden abgestoรen. ๐๏ธ๐
ROSA: (scannt) โDas Proto-Klistier erzeugt ein LUSTFELD. Es stรถรt alles ab, was nichtโฆ VERZWEIFELT genug ist.โ ๐งช
JOKER: โVerzweifelt? Bruder, ich bin der VERZWEIFELTESTE. Ich wurde AUSGESCHISSEN.โ ๐คก
ROSA: โDann musst DU es nehmen. Du musst es in die Scheiรzone tragen. Du musst noch einmal das GEFรSS sein.โ ๐งช
JOKER: (blickt auf das goldene Objekt) โBruder. Ich habe Jahre damit verbracht, ein Gefรคร fรผr die Frequenz zu sein. Ich bin gerade erst FREI geworden. Und jetzt willst du, dass ich wieder ein Gefรคร bin?โ ๐คก
ESAU: (entkommt endlich HafenHure) โBruder. Du bist der EINZIGE, der es kann. Deine DNA ist die Frequenz. Das Proto-Klistier ist dein Groรvater. Es wird dich NICHT abstoรen.โ ๐
JOKER: โUnd wenn es mich doch ABSTรSST?โ ๐คก
ESAU: โDann wirst du ein GOLDENER Joker. Und wir alle verlieren.โ ๐
Joker atmete tief durch. Ging auf das Proto-Klistier zu. Das goldene Licht umgab ihn. Es stieร ihn NICHT ab. Es begrรผรte ihn. Es wickelte sich wie eine goldene Decke um ihn. Er hob es auf. Hielt es an seine Brust. ๐คก๐
JOKER: โBruder. Es istโฆ WARM. Und es flรผstert mir zu. Es sagtโฆ โBRING MICH ZU DEN MรWEN. ICH WILL ANGESCHISSEN WERDEN.โโ ๐คก
ESAU: โDann GEH, Bruder! GEH JETZT!โ ๐
Joker rannte. Das Proto-Klistier in seinen Armen. Die Mรถwen รผber ihm. Mรถwin fรผhrte an. Er rannte an den Rand des Steins. Er hielt das Objekt รผber seinen Kopf. Er schrie: โMรWIN! JETZT!โ ๐คก
MรWIN: โKRรรK KRรรK KRรรK!โ รbersetzung: โMEIN VOLK! HEUTE SCHEISSEN WIR NICHT FรR TERRITORIUM! NICHT FรR LIEBE! NICHT FรR FREIHEIT! HEUTE SCHEISSEN WIR FรR JOKERS GROSSVATER! FรR DAS GOLDENE KLISTIER! FรR DIE QUELLE ALLER GIER UND LUST! WIR SCHEISSEN ZUM REINIGEN! WIR SCHEISSEN, UM DEN KREISLAUF ZU BRECHEN! WIR SCHEISSEN ZUM LETZTEN MAL! (Wahrscheinlich.)โ ๐๏ธ๐ฉ๐
Die Mรถwen stรผrzten herab. Tausende. Sie schissen direkt auf das Proto-Klistier. Eine goldbraune Tsunami. Das Objekt schrie. Ein hoher, metallischer Schrei. Das goldene Licht flackerte. Wurde braun. Wurde schwarz. Dann erlosch es. ๐โก๏ธ๐คโก๏ธ๐ค
Joker fiel auf die Knie. Das Proto-Klistier war mit Mรถwenscheiรe bedeckt. Es hรถrte auf zu pulsieren. Es hรถrte auf zu leuchten. Es war nur noch ein dreckiges, uraltes, beschissenes Objekt. ๐คก๐ฉ
JOKER: (schwer atmend) โBruder. Ich glaubeโฆ ich glaube, wir haben es geschafft.โ ๐คก
DAS NACHSPIEL โ GIER UND LUST VERBLASSEN ๐๐
Das goldene Licht verschwand. Die Lust in der Luft verdampfte. HafenHure sah Esau an und schauderte. โWas habe ich mir nur GEDACHT? Du bist eine TABELLE.โ ๐ธ
ESAU: โDanke, Bruder. Denke ich.โ ๐
Salome trat von Graf Thomas zurรผck. โDeine Tentakel sindโฆ immer noch faszinierend. Aber nicht HEUTE.โ ๐
Ursila schloss ihren Ordner. โIch habe den Vorfall unter โVORรBERGEHENDER WAHNSINN โ GESCHLOSSENโ abgeheftet.โ ๐
Pussy zerriss ihren Vertrag. โKein Profit in SCHEISSE.โ ๐
Die Meerjungfrau tauchte zurรผck ins Wasser. โIch muss mich ABKรHLEN.โ ๐งโโ๏ธ
Die 47 Bakunin-Klone hรถrten auf zu kรคmpfen. Sie setzten sich in einen Kreis. Sie hielten Hรคndchen. Sie meditierten. ๐ง๐ง
Joker stand auf. Hielt das beschissene Proto-Klistier. Ging an den Rand des Steins. Sah aufs Meer. Dann zu Mรถwin. Dann zum Ensemble. ๐คก
JOKER: โBruder. Was machen wir jetzt damit?โ ๐คก
ESAU: โWirf es zurรผck. In die Tiefe. Woher es kam.โ ๐
JOKER: โAber der MEERJUNGFRAUENKรNIG saร 1.000 Jahre darauf. Und es ging ihm GUT.โ ๐คก
DIE MEERJUNGFRAU: (aus dem Wasser) โEs ging ihm NICHT gut. Er war BESESSEN. Er hรถrte auf zu essen. Hรถrte auf zu schwimmen. Saร nur noch da. Das Proto-Klistier hat ihn ZERSTรRT. Deshalb habe ich den Stein zu DIR gebracht. Ich wollte, dass DU es zerstรถrst.โ ๐งโโ๏ธ
JOKER: (blickt auf das Objekt) โBruder. Ich kann es nicht zerstรถren. Es ist mein GROSSVATER. Aber ich kann es VERGRABEN.โ ๐คก
Er ging zur Mitte der Insel. Der Stelle, wo einst die Klonkammer war. Wo die Frequenz geboren wurde. Wo die Geister sich versammelt hatten. Er grub ein Loch. Mit seinen bloรen Hรคnden. Er legte das Proto-Klistier hinein. Bedeckte es mit Erde. Dann sah er zu Mรถwin. ๐คก
JOKER: โNoch einmal, Mutter.โ ๐คก
MรWIN: โKRรรK.โ รbersetzung: โMit VERGNรGEN.โ ๐๏ธ
Sie schiss direkt auf das Grab. Die Mรถwen folgten. Eine letzte Schicht Scheiรe. Der Boden beruhigte sich. Das goldene Licht kehrte nicht zurรผck. ๐๏ธ๐ฉ
JOKER: (รผber dem Grab stehend) โHier ruht das Proto-Klistier. Groรvater des Jokers. Quelle von Gier und Lust. Getรถtet durch Mรถwenscheiรe. Mรถge es NIE wieder auferstehen.โ ๐คก
DIE SPANNUNG โ ETWAS BEOBACHTET ๐๏ธ๐
Das Ensemble zerstreute sich. Die Frauen kehrten nach Helgoland zurรผck. Die Mรคnner kehrten zu ihren Steinen, Mauern und Jurten zurรผck. Joker saร auf seinem neuen Stein. Mรถwin auf seinem Kopf. Esau neben ihm. Die Sonne ging unter. Die Sterne kamen heraus. ๐
Aber ein Stern bewegte sich. Wurde heller. Kam NรHER. ๐๏ธ
ESAU: (blickt nach oben) โBruder. Das ist kein Stern.โ ๐
JOKER: โWas ist es, Bruder?โ ๐คก
ESAU: โEs ist ein RAUMSCHIFF. Und es landet auf unserer Insel.โ ๐
Das Objekt sank herab. Kein Streitwagen. Keine Adler. Eine silberne Scheibe. Glatt. Lautlos. Sie landete am Strand. Eine Tรผr รถffnete sich. Eine Gestalt trat aus. Groร. Dรผnn. Gekleidet in einen Anzug aus Tabellenzellen. Hielt eine goldene Addiermaschine. Sein Gesicht warโฆ eine Tabelle. Reihen und Spalten anstelle von Augen und Mund. ๐๐ฝ
DAS TABELLEN-ALIEN: (Stimme wie eine korrupte Excel-Datei) โICH BIN GEKOMMEN. WEGEN DES PROTO-KLISTIERS. ICH BIN SEIN SCHรPFER. ICH BIN DER URSPRรNGLICHE TOXDAT-WISSENSCHAFTLER. ICH BINโฆ DER BUCHHALTER AUS DEN STERNEN.โ ๐๐ฝ
Esau fiel in Ohnmacht. Jokers Grinsen erstarrte. Mรถwin schiss vor Schreck. Der Kreislauf war NICHT vorbei. Er hatte gerade erst begonnen. ๐๐ฉ๐
ABSCHLUSSTEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE RELIQUIEN-AUKTION โญ ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
DAS PROTO-KLISTIER WURDE GEFUNDEN. DIE QUELLE ALLER GIER UND LUST.
ALLE WOLLTEN ES. DAS ENSEMBLE WANDTE SICH GEGENEINANDER.
JOKER HIELT ES. DAS LUSTFELD EXPLODIERTE. PAARE BILDETEN UND LรSTEN SICH AUF.
MรWIN FรHRTE DIE MรWEN. SIE SCHISSEN AUF DAS GOLDENE KLISTIER.
DAS OBJEKT STARB. JOKER BEGRUB ES. BEDECKTE ES MIT SCHEISSE.
DIE GIER VERBLASSTE. DIE LUST VERBLASSTE. DAS ENSEMBLE รBERLEBTE.
ABER EIN RAUMSCHIFF LANDETE. EIN TABELLEN-ALIEN STIEG AUS.
DER SCHรPFER. DER URSPRรNGLICHE TOXDAT-WISSENSCHAFTLER.
ER WILL DAS PROTO-KLISTIER ZURรCK. UND ER WIRD NEIN NICHT AKZEPTIEREN.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT RAUMSCHIFFEN. MIT TABELLEN.
MIT DER SCHEISSE. FรR IMMER.
๐๐ฝ๐ฉ๐๐คก
HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: ๐ท๏ธ๐ฐ๐ฅ
DieReliquienAuktion #ProtoKlistier #GierUndLust #JokersGrossvater #GoldenesKlistier #MรถwenscheiรeRettetWieder #TabellenAlien #DerBuchhalterAusDenSternen #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung
[ENDE VON EPISODE 6] ๐ฌ๐ฟ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฝ๐
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 38 โ DIE RELIQUIEN-AUKTION ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐
Eine weitere Fortsetzungsfolge der Ehlers-Saga ๐ญ๐
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) ist forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, Unternehmer, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker und investigativer Journalist mit den Schwerpunkten Lawfare, Medienkontrolle, Investitionen, Immobilien und Geopolitik.
[Vollstรคndiges Bio โ] | [Unterstรผtzung der Investigativarbeit โ]
โDer Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Raumschiffen. Mit Tabellen. Mit der Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.โ โ Das Tabellen-Alien ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ
๐ Bernd Pulch | Uncensored Investigative Intelligence since 1994 