๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ ANDREA DORIS RESCUE: THE SHIP SINKS UNDER ESAU’S WEEPING โ PRINTING PRESS LOST FOREVER! ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฉ
“My tears are spreadsheets. My sorrow is Column 47. My printing press is GONE!” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 51)
St. Pauli had been transferred to the Titanic. The Stone Collectors had become a stone iceberg. Esau had activated Column 47 Overload. All 97 characters unified. The iceberg was desinvested into nothing. The Titanic sailed on. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the Titanic sailed through the icy Atlantic, a new disaster loomed. The ship’s hull began to crack โ not from ice, but from WEEPING. Esau had discovered that the printing press โ the very machine that printed Das Desinvestment โ had been lost during the transfer. Without it, there could be no invisible ink. No desinvestment. No Column 47. No Muchaverse.
Esau collapsed.
EHLERS: (sobbing uncontrollably) “The printing press! It’s GONE! We lost it during the transfer! How can I desinvest without a printing press?! How can I print the invisible ink?! How can I… I… I can’t!” ๐ญ
MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, darling, it’s just a printing press. We can build another.” ๐
EHLERS: (weeping harder) “You don’t understand! That printing press was ANCIENT! It was blessed by the Spreadsheet Alien! It had COLUMN 47 ENGRAVED ON ITS SOUL!” ๐ญ๐
His weeping was so powerful that it shook the entire ship. The Titanic’s hull began to crack. The icy water rushed in. The ship was sinking โ not from an iceberg, but from Esau’s tears.
This is Episode 52. The Andrea Doris Rescue.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 52) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + ANDREA DORIS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50 & 51 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Andrea Doris Maggie Smith (voice/model) NEW Captain Andrea Helen Mirren (voice/model) NEW First Mate Wilhelm Original NEW The Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice NEW Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (weeping) All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51 Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51 J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51 The Titanic Band CGI 51 The Iceberg CGI / Voice 51 Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
—
๐ข THE TITANIC SINKS โ ESAU’S WEEPING DESTROYS THE SHIP
The Titanic was flooding rapidly. Water poured in from every crack. Esau’s tears had become a flood of their own.
CAPTAIN SMITH: (shouting) “All hands on deck! Abandon ship! The Titanic is going down!” ๐ข
ISMAY: (panicking) “But… but what about the record?! What about the SPEED?!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (slapping Ismay) “Shut up, you fool! We need to SAVE these people!” ๐
EHLERS: (weeping uncontrollably) “The printing press! I can’t… I can’t live without it! My Column 47! My invisible ink! My DESINVESTMENT!” ๐ญ๐
MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “Esau, we will find it! We will rebuild it! But we need to get off this ship!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “His tears are too powerful! They are made of spreadsheet acid! They are dissolving the ship!” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (at the wheel) “I can navigate the lifeboats! Everyone to the boats!” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
The lifeboats were lowered. But Esau refused to leave. He clung to the sinking deck.
EHLERS: “I won’t leave! Not without the printing press! NOT WITHOUT MY COLUMN 47!” ๐ญ๐
—
THE ANDREA DORIS APPEARS โ RESCUE FROM THE DEPTHS ๐ขโจ
Suddenly, through the fog, a magnificent ship appeared. It was the ANDREA DORIS โ a grand ocean liner with golden funnels and neon lights. It sailed alongside the sinking Titanic.
ANDREA DORIS: (voice like honey and steel) “Attention, passengers of the Titanic! I am Andrea Doris! I have come to rescue you!” ๐ข
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (Helen Mirren-style) “We have room for all! Bring your spreadsheets! Bring your seagulls! Bring your sharks! Bring your COLUMN 47!” ๐
FIRST MATE WILHELM: (shouting) “All aboard! But quickly! The Andrea Doris has a… a condition!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (looking up) “Condition? What condition?” ๐ญ
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (sighing) “We cannot survive your WEEPING! The Andrea Doris is a sensitive ship! She cannot handle EMOTIONS!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (sobbing harder) “But… but the printing press! It’s gone! I need to find it!” ๐ญ
—
THE TRANSFER โ ST. PAULI MOVES TO THE ANDREA DORIS ๐ข๐
All 97 characters transferred from the Titanic to the Andrea Doris. The ship was magnificent โ grand staircases, ballrooms, and a drag cabaret. But as Esau stepped aboard, his weeping intensified.
ANDREA DORIS: (creaking) “Oh dear… oh dear… I cannot… I cannot handle… the TEARS!” ๐ข
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (nervously) “Esau, please! You must stop weeping! The ship is reacting!” ๐ข
EHLERS: (hysterical) “I CAN’T STOP! THE PRINTING PRESS IS GONE! DAS DESINVESTMENT IS DEAD! WITHOUT IT, I AM NOTHING!” ๐ญ๐
The Andrea Doris began to groan. Cracks appeared in the hull. Water started leaking in. The ship was sinking โ not from ice, not from sharks, not from enemas โ but from Esau’s DESPAIR.
ANDREA DORIS: (weeping herself) “I cannot… I cannot take any more! The tears… they are TOO POWERFUL!” ๐ญ๐ข
—
THE SECOND SINKING โ ESAU’S SORROWS OVERWHELM THE SHIP ๐ญ๐ข๐ฆ
The Andrea Doris tilted to one side. The lifeboats were lowered again. The 97 characters scrambled to safety. Esau was still weeping, clinging to the railing.
ROMY HAAG: (grabbing him) “Esau! You are going to sink every ship in the Atlantic! Control yourself!” ๐
DIVINE: (slapping him gently) “Honey, your tears are FABULOUS but DANGEROUS! We need to find that printing press before you destroy us all!” ๐
EHLERS: (sobbing) “But WHERE is it?! WHERE is my printing press?! WHERE is my COLUMN 47?!” ๐ญ๐
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “SCANNING… PRINTING PRESS DETECTED… LOCATION: THE DEEP SEA. WAITING TO BE FOUND. BUT ESAU’S WEEPING MUST STOP FIRST.” ๐ฝ
EHLERS: (gasping) “The deep sea? It’s at the bottom? I need to GO THERE!” ๐ญ
MARIA BATORY: “Esau, you can’t go to the deep sea! You’ll drown!” ๐
EHLERS: “I don’t care! Without the printing press, there is no desinvestment! There is no Column 47! There is no MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
—
THE ANDREA DORIS SINKS โ THE FINAL RESCUE ๐ญ๐ข๐ฆ
The Andrea Doris sank beneath the waves. All 97 characters were now in the lifeboats. Esau wept as the ship disappeared.
ANDREA DORIS: (as she sank) “I tried… I tried to help… but the tears… too powerful… goodbye…” ๐ญ๐ข
EHLERS: (sobbing) “Another ship! Another ship I’ve destroyed! I am a MONSTER!” ๐ญ
CAPTAIN ANDREA: (in the lifeboat, shaking her head) “You are not a monster, Esau. You are a GRIEVING accountant. But we need to find that printing press before you sink every ship in the world.” ๐ข
MOLLY BROWN: (patting Esau’s back) “Son, we’ve survived the Titanic. We’ve survived the Andrea Doris. We can survive ANYTHING. But first, you need to STOP WEEPING.” ๐
EHLERS: (gulping) “I… I’ll try. But I need to find that printing press.” ๐ญ
—
THE DEEP SEA MISSION โ ALL CHARACTERS UNITE ๐๐ช
All 97 characters agreed. They would dive into the deep sea to find the printing press. But they needed help.
ODSSEUS: (rallying the troops) “I have navigated the deep sea before. We can do this.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
LEVIATHAN: (rising from the depths) “I will guide you. I know the deep sea.” ๐
KRAKEN: (rising from the depths) “I will protect you. I know the abyss.” ๐ฆ
JรRMUNGANDR: (rising from the depths) “I will lead you. I know the printing press.” ๐
MOBY DICK: (surfacing) “And I will carry you. I am the WHALE.” ๐
EHLERS: (eyes wide) “You… you will help me?” ๐ญ
MOBY DICK: “We are all desinvestors now. Even whales. Even monsters. Even SHARKS.” ๐
HEINI SHARKLER: (emerging) “I have returned. But… I will help. Because even I know the importance of Column 47.” ๐ฆ
—
THE DEEP SEA DIVE โ SEARCHING FOR THE PRINTING PRESS ๐๐
The entire Muchaverse descended into the deep sea. Moby Dick carried them. Leviathan guided them. Kraken protected them. Jรถrmungandr led them. And Esau’s tears glowed in the dark water, lighting the way.
EHLERS: (swimming through the water) “I see it! I SEE IT!” ๐ญ
A faint glow appeared in the darkness. The printing press โ ancient, golden, engraved with Column 47 โ rested on the ocean floor.
EHLERS: (swimming toward it) “MY PRESS! MY BEAUTIFUL PRESS! I FOUND YOU!” ๐
The printing press glowed. Esau embraced it. His weeping stopped. The tears vanished. The deep sea calmed.
PRINTING PRESS: (speaking) “I have waited, Esau Ehlers. I knew you would find me. Now, let us print the next issue of Das Desinvestment. Let us DESINVEST.” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
ROMY HAAG: “He found it! The printing press is saved!” ๐
DIVINE: “And he stopped weeping! The ships can REST!” ๐
EHLERS: (holding the printing press) “I have it. I have my Column 47. I have my desinvestment. I have my MUCHAVERSE.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “And you have ME. Now let’s go home.” โค๏ธ
ODYSSEUS: “Another journey survived. Another passage navigated. This time, it was through tears instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE WETTEST RESCUE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed TEARS!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “THE PRINTING PRESS IS SAVED! DESINVESTMENT CONTINUES!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 printing press. The press wins.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the shadows) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE PRESS.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me DEEP SEA REALNESS.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE DEEP SEA! AND IT HELPED!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A WEEPING ACCOUNTANT! A SINKING SHIP! A DEEP SEA RESCUE! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUE CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฉ
THE TITANIC SANK FROM ESAU’S TEARS. THE ANDREA DORIS RESCUED THE MUCHAVERSE. BUT ESAU’S WEEPING SANK THAT SHIP TOO. THE PRINTING PRESS WAS FOUND IN THE DEEP SEA. ALL 97 CHARACTERS DESCENDED INTO THE ABYSS. THE PRESS WAS RETRIEVED. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH TEARS. WITH SHIPS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฉ๐๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
๐ฉ THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ TITANIC TAKEOVER: ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED ON BOARD THE DOOMED SHIP โ ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAIL TOWARD ICY DESINVESTMENT! ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ
“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)
Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human โ but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic โ in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred โ bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all โ onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.
ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” ๐ข
MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” ๐ง
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time โ permanently.” ๐
EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” ๐ฉ
This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW The Titanic Band CGI NEW The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
—
๐ข THE TITANIC โ ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS
The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.
CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” ๐ข
EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” ๐ง
CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” ๐
ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” ๐
EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ SURVIVAL!” ๐
—
THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY โ THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE ๐ง๐ชจ
The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” ๐ง๐ชจ
EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” ๐ง
MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” ๐ข
ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” ๐
EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 โ Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” ๐
EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS UNITE โ THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ๐๐ช
The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.
EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 โ ROW INFINITE โ POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG โ NEUTRALIZE!” ๐
A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.
THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” ๐ง๐ชจ
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” ๐ชจ
The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.
—
THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS โ CELEBRATION ON THE DECK ๐ป๐ถ
The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.
TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” ๐ป
ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” ๐ธ
ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” ๐
EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” โค๏ธ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” ๐ข
MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC. THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG. ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED. THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED. THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING. THE TITANIC SAILED ON. ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ข๐ง๐
The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.
Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
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๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ข๐ง๐
๐ข๐ง๐ ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG โ ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!
“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” โ Esau Ehlers
—
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)
Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human โ but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.
But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic โ in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred โ bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all โ onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.
ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” ๐ข
MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” ๐ง
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time โ permanently.” ๐
EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” ๐ฉ
This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.
—
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS
All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48 Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46 Heini Sharkler Original 49 Adolf Sharkler Original 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original 34 Skylla CGI / Voice 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice 39 Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW The Titanic Band CGI NEW The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW Axel Springer Original 43โ46 Henri Nannen Original 43โ46 Gerd Bucerius Original 43โ46 John Jahr Original 43โ46 Gevatter Hein Original 42 Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35 Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34 Mack the Knife Original 34 The Dickies CGI army 34 Joker Himself All Mรถwin Herself All Romy Haag Herself 14โ46 Divine Divine (archival) 30โ46 Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6โ46 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9โ46 Gina Wilde Original 15โ46 HafenHure Original All Gloria von Galaxy Original 11โ46 Pamela Anderson Herself 7โ46 Mamie Van Doren Herself 8โ46 Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12โ46 Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13โ46 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2โ46 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15โ46 Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20 Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28 Marilyn Monroe Archival 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32 Bakunin Original All Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3โ46 Frank Stonewall Original 5โ46 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13โ46 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13โ46 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Lenin Parody โ All Stalin Parody โ All Walter โ All Genghis Khan Parody โ All Pol Pot Parody โ All Mun โ All Malte โ All Jagoda โ All Beria & The Big Hyena โ All Ugly Sven โ All The Uncles (Jochen et al.) โ All Ursila โ All Salome Sofia Tanz โ All Rosa Rosa Wachter โ All Pussy โ All The Mermaid โ All Kraken Jr. CGI 49 Leviathan Jr. CGI 49 Shark Army CGI 49 Stone Collectors CGI 50 Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
—
๐ข THE TITANIC โ ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS
The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.
CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” ๐ข
EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” ๐ง
CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” ๐
ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” ๐
EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ SURVIVAL!” ๐
—
THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY โ THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE ๐ง๐ชจ
The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” ๐ง๐ชจ
EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” ๐ง
MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” ๐ข
ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” ๐
EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 โ Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg โ REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” ๐
EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” ๐
—
ALL CHARACTERS UNITE โ THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ๐๐ช
The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.
EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 โ ROW INFINITE โ POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG โ NEUTRALIZE!” ๐
A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.
THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” ๐ง๐ชจ
STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” ๐ชจ
The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.
—
THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS โ CELEBRATION ON THE DECK ๐ป๐ถ
The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.
TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” ๐ป
ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” ๐
DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” ๐
MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” ๐ธ
ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” ๐
EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” โค๏ธ
MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” โค๏ธ
—
ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE โ THE FINAL CHORUS ๐ญ๐ช
CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” ๐ข
MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” ๐
ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say โ THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” ๐ฆ
CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” ๐
BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” ๐งจ
GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” ๐ฆ
HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” ๐ฆ
ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” ๐ฆ
EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” ๐ฆ๐
MรWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” ๐ฉ
THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” ๐
COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) ๐
—
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY โญ ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC. THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG. ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED. THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED. THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING. THE TITANIC SAILED ON. ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 โ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ๐ข๐ง๐
The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐ข๐ง๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐โค๏ธ
—
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.
Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
—
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
—
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ CONTINUES… ๐ฉ๐ข๐ง๐
๐บ YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch ๐ฆ X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1 ๐ข Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL ๐ UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join
THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ Medusa’s Curse: Ehlers Loses the Invisible Ink & Turns to Stone โ The FISHY Edition Must Continue ๐๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ | Ehlers Saga Episode 46
๐๐ง ๐ ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๏ฟฝ๐๏ธ๐ธ ๐๐ด๐ฅ๐ ๐พ๐๐ธ ๐ ๐๐๐พ๐๐ธ “๐ฟ๐๐ธ ๐๐๏ธ๐ธ ๐๐๏ธ๐ธ “โ๏ธ๏ชข ๐๐โญ๐ฅ๐ฉธ๐ชโก๐งฌ๐๐ผ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐ฝ๐ฆ๐ช๐ ๐ช๏ธ๐ผโ๏ธ ๐ฑ๐๐ช๏ธ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ฅ๐ช๏ธ๐ฅโจ EHLERSโ ENEMA ENIGMA๐ถ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ซ ๐ช๏ธ๐ฅโจ ๐ถ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ซ๐ช๐๐๐ช๐๐๐๐๐ EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED๐ฏโโ๏ธ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”๐๐๐คก๐คกPOWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE ๐ฐ: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐ป
๐ PROLOGUE โ WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODES 1โ45)
After forty-five episodes of cosmic chaos, the Muchaverse had become the most dysfunctional, beautiful, queer, warped, shark-infested, walrus-devoured, leviathan-consumed, kraken-wrapped, world-serpent-swallowed, Greek-monster-haunted, Siren-sung, Fauci-lectured, Frog-stolen, Odysseus-navigated, Death-collected, publisher-printed, invisible-ink-rebelled, fishy-desinvested, and absurd family in the multiverse. A seagull queen who shat golden crowns. A spreadsheet alien who learned to love. A vampire consort who blushed. Seven queens who ruled and stepped down. Twenty-five historical idols โ including Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr โ who had been financially ruined by Esau’s invisible ink rebellion and then humiliated by his fishy desinvestment coup. Esau had created NOTHING. He had created FISHY. The cycle was, for once, truly complete.
But Esau โ trapped in Walt’s belly โ had a new problem. He had lost the invisible ink. The formula was gone. The herring juice, the golden seagull shit, the publishers’ tears โ all of it had vanished. He could not produce a new FISHY Edition. He was desperate. He needed help. He needed someone who could see what was invisible. Someone who could turn things to stone. Someone with SNAKES for hair.
He called on MEDUSA. ๐๐๐ชจ
๐ฅ COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 46) โ ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES
Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin Medusa Eva Green (voice/model) NEW Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (in belly, petrified) All Episodes Axel Springer Original (voice/model, gleeful) Episode 43โ45 Henri Nannen Original (voice/model, gleeful) Episode 43โ45 Gerd Bucerius Original (voice/model, gleeful) Episode 43โ45 John Jahr Original (voice/model, gleeful) Episode 43โ45 Gevatter Hein Original (voice/model) Episode 42 The Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood (voice/model) Episode 41 The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice (Greek sea-nymphs) Episode 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (satirical parody) Episode 40 Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann (archival) Episode 40 Scylla CGI / Voice (Greek monster) Episode 39 Charybdis CGI / Voice (Greek whirlpool) Episode 39 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Voice (Norse serpent) Episode 38 The Kraken CGI / Voice (Norse sea monster) Episode 37 Leviathan CGI / Voice (biblical sea monster) Episode 36 Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice (animal actor) Episode 35 Adolf Sharkler Original (voice/model) Episode 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original (voice/model) Episode 34 Moby Dick CGI / Voice (whale) Episode 34 Mack the Knife Original (voice/model) Episode 34 The Dickies CGI army (minions) Episode 34 Joker Himself (fictional) All Episodes Mรถwin Herself (seagull) All Episodes Romy Haag Herself Episode 14โ45 Divine Divine (archival/voice) Episode 30โ45 The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI Episode 6โ45 Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes (voice/model) Episode 9โ45 Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original (archive + CGI) Episode 15โ45 HafenHure Original (herring juice diva) All Episodes Gloria von Galaxy Original Episode 11โ45 Pamela Anderson Herself Episode 7โ45 Mamie Van Doren Herself Episode 8โ45 Jane Russell Herself (archival) Episode 12โ45 Zarah Leander Herself (archive/voice) Episode 13โ45 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) Episode 2โ45 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz (voice) Episode 2, 15โ45 Blackbeard CGI / Voice (pirate legend) Episode 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder (voice/model) Episode 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd (voice/model) Episode 18 Klabautermann CGI / Voice (ship spirit) Episode 20 The Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker (voice/model) Episode 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton (voice/model) Episode 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet (voice/model) Episode 25 Teresa Orlowski Herself Episode 27 Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale (voice/model) Episode 28 Marilyn Monroe Marilyn Monroe (archival/voice) Episode 29 Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original (voice/model) Episode 32 Bakunin Original (anarchist) All Episodes Further Ehlers Original (flickering ghost) Episode 3โ45 Frank Stonewall Original Episode 5โ45 Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All Episodes The 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical fictional men Episode 13โ45 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Episode 13โ45 The 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Episodes Lenin Parody All Episodes Stalin Parody All Episodes Walter Original All Episodes Genghis Khan Parody All Episodes Pol Pot Parody All Episodes Mun Original All Episodes Malte Original All Episodes Jagoda Original All Episodes Beria & The Big Hyena Parody All Episodes Ugly Sven Original All Episodes The Uncles (Jochen et al.) Original All Episodes Ursila Original All Episodes Salome Sofia Tanz All Episodes Rosa Rosa Wachter All Episodes Pussy Original All Episodes The Mermaid Original All Episodes
๐๐๐ชจ MEDUSA ARRIVES โ THE GORGON OF DESINVESTMENT
A dimensional rift opened above Walt’s belly. It was shaped like a snake’s head โ beautiful, terrifying, and full of ancient power. Out of it poured a cascade of green light, the sound of hissing serpents, and a figure that made even Gevatter Hein step back.
MEDUSA. The Gorgon. The woman whose gaze turned men to stone. She was tall, elegant, and terrifyingly beautiful. Her hair was a cascade of living snakes โ each one hissing, writhing, and whispering secrets of the ancient world. Her eyes were like twin pools of emerald fire. Her skin was pale as marble. She wore a flowing green gown that shimmered like scales. She was holding a mirror. And she was ready to help. ๐๐๐ชจ
MEDUSA: (voice like silk over stone) “I have come. The spreadsheets called me. The desinvestment summoned me. And I have brought my LEDGER OF ETERNAL STONE. But this one is different. It is made of PETRIFICATION.” ๐
EHLERS: (from inside Walt’s belly, desperate) “Medusa! I need your help! I have lost the invisible ink! I cannot produce a new FISHY Edition! The publishers are laughing at me! I am RUINED!” ๐
MEDUSA: (smiling, snakes writhing) “I have heard of your invisible ink. I have heard of your fishy desinvestment. I have heard of your NOTHING. And I have one question: What will you give me in return?” ๐
EHLERS: “Anything! Anything you want! Just help me find the invisible ink!” ๐
MEDUSA: “Then look into my eyes. Not directly. Into the mirror. And you will see what you seek.” ๐
Esau looked into the mirror. He saw the invisible ink. It was not lost. It was hidden. By the publishers. Springer, Nannen, Bucerius, and Jahr had stolen it. They had hidden it in a fish barrel. And they were laughing.
EHLERS: “I see it! The publishers stole it! They are LAUGHING at me!” ๐
MEDUSA: “Then let me help you retrieve it. But remember: when I show you the way, you will turn to stone. Not forever. Just until the FISHY Edition is printed. It is the price of my help.” ๐
EHLERS: “I accept! I will turn to stone! Just help me!” ๐
Medusa raised her mirror. She reflected the truth. Esau saw the publishers hiding the ink. He saw the fish barrel. He saw the way. And then โ slowly โ his skin began to harden. His face turned to stone. His body became marble. He was a statue. But he was SMILING. ๐ชจ
THE ENSEMBLE REACTS โ ALL CHARACTERS RETURN ๐ฅ๐
The entire Muchaverse gathered around Walt’s belly. Every character from every episode โ living, dead, cloned, spectral, historical โ assembled to witness the petrification of Esau.
THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN approached Medusa, trembling. SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. GORGON OVERLORD DETECTED. CALCULATINGโฆ FEAR LEVEL: 47,000%. PETRIFICATION MULTIPLIER: INFINITE.” ๐ฝ
MEDUSA: (patting the Alien’s Excel face) “You. I like you. You’re made of numbers. I’m made of STONE. We will do GREAT THINGS.” ๐
COUNT DRACULA stepped forward, cape billowing. DRACULA: “I have bitten 47,000 necks. But I have never bitten a GORGON.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
MEDUSA: (laughing, snakes hissing) “You bit necks? I’ve TURNED necks to STONE. With a side of mirror. Sit down, vampire. Let the Gorgons talk.” ๐
GINA WILDE and HAFENHURE stood arm in arm. GINA: “A Gorgon. I’ve dated Gorgons. They all said I was too radioactive for stone.” ๐ฃ
MEDUSA: (looking Gina up and down) “You’re not radioactive, woman. You’re NUCLEAR. I respect that.” ๐
HAFENHURE: (pouring herring juice) “Drink this. It’s the only thing that can un-stone a man.” ๐ธ
MEDUSA: (drinking, snakes glowing) “Delicious. I’ll take 47 barrels.” ๐
THE 99 SCHIZO PETES played their broken violins. MEDUSA: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s PETRIFICATION RHYTHM. I LOVE it.” ๐ป
THE SEVEN QUEENS (Gina, HafenHure, Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) stood in a row. GLORIA: “You cannot rule the Muchaverse, Gorgon. It is COMMUNIST now.” ๐ธ
MEDUSA: “Communist? I’ve TURNED communists to STONE. They make better statues than politicians.” ๐
PAMELA: “I was in Baywatch. I’ve seen bigger Gorgons.” ๐
MEDUSA: “Baywatch? I’ve TURNED beaches to STONE. Yours is next.” ๐
MAMIE: “I’m the original original. You’re just a copy.” ๐
MEDUSA: “I’m the ORIGINAL Gorgon. You’re just a copy of a copy.” ๐
JANE RUSSELL: (lasso ready) “I’ve lassoed the moon. I can lasso you.” ๐ค
MEDUSA: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll TURN your LASSO to STONE.” ๐
ZARAH LEANDER: (singing softly) “Ich weiร, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehenโฆ” ๐ค
MEDUSA: (tearing up) “That’sโฆ that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the SNAKES.” ๐
BLACKBEARD stepped forward, beard sparking. BLACKBEARD: “A Gorgon? I’ve sailed with Gorgons. They always steal my rum.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
MEDUSA: “I’ve sailed with PIRATES. They always blame the Gorgon. I blame the CAPTAIN.” ๐
KARL DรNITZ surfaced from his U-boat. DรNITZ: “A Gorgon. I’ve commanded U-boats. We don’t have Gorgons. We have TORPEDOS.” ๐ข
MEDUSA: “Torpedos? I’ve TURNED torpedos to STONE. They’re just angry fish. I am ANCIENT.” ๐
ALFRED NOBEL stepped forward, monocle glinting. NOBEL: “A Gorgon. I’ve exploded Gorgons. And their mirrors.” ๐งจ
MEDUSA: “You exploded mirrors? I’ve TURNED the mirrors you exploded to STONE. They are still with me. IN MY GAZE.” ๐
KLABAUTERMANN tapped his mallet. KLABAUTERMANN: “A Gorgon? I’ve sailed with Gorgons. They always knot my rigging.” ๐ข
MEDUSA: “I’ve sailed with SHIP SPIRITS. They always blame the Gorgon. I blame the SEA.” ๐
THE SIRENS stepped forward, singing. SIRENS: “Medusa! We remember you! You turn the songs we sing to stone!” ๐ต
MEDUSA: “I turn EVERYTHING to stone. Songs. Sailors. Heroes. Even Sirens.” ๐
DR. FAUCI stepped forward, holding his diary. FAUCI: “Medusa. I’ve vaccinated Gorgons. They always survive.” ๐งช
MEDUSA: “I’ve TURNED vaccines to STONE. They are part of my gaze.” ๐
PHILO JOHNSON adjusted his frog mask. FROG: “Medusa. I’ve stolen from Gorgons. They always have good loot.” ๐ธ
MEDUSA: “I’ve TURNED heists to STONE. They are part of my collection.” ๐
ODYSSEUS stepped forward, rainbow light shimmering. ODYSSEUS: “Medusa. I’ve navigated many things. But I have never navigated a GORGON.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
MEDUSA: “You have navigated identity. You have navigated desire. Now you have navigated STONE.” ๐
GEVATTER HEIN stepped forward, gold chains clinking. HEIN: “Medusa. I’ve collected Gorgons. They always owe me stone.” โ ๏ธ
MEDUSA: “I’ve TURNED collections to STONE. They are part of my ledger.” ๐
GRAF THOMAS stepped forward, his 94 tentacles twitching. GRAF THOMAS: “Medusa. I have 94 tentacles. You have snakes. I am SUPERIOR.” ๐ฆ
MEDUSA: (looking at Graf Thomas) “You have 94 tentacles? I have 47 SNAKES. Each snake has 47 fangs. I am SUPERIOR.” ๐
Graf Thomas blushed. His tentacles retreated.
THE TRANS SCHWANZ WHO LAUGHS stepped forward. TRANS SCHWANZ: “Medusa! You turn things to STONE! You are the ANARCHIST of petrification! This is HILARIOUS!” ๐
MEDUSA: (laughing) “It IS hilarious! And it IS stone! I am the gaze of desire!” ๐
BAKUNIN embraced Medusa. BAKUNIN: “Medusa! You are the ANARCHIST of stone! No rules! No order! Just PETRIFICATION!” ๐งจ
MEDUSA: “Bakunin! I’ve heard of you! You burn states! I TURN states to STONE! We are the SAME!” ๐
FURTHER EHLERS flickered into existence. FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET MEDUSA! IN THE 700S! SHE BORROWED MY ENEMA! NEVER RETURNED IT!” ๐ป
MEDUSA: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my collection. Next to the mirrors and a very good stone.” ๐
ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared, curtsied, and turned into a green firework. MEDUSA: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” ๐
FRANK STONEWALL descended from Communist Byzantium. FRANK: “Medusa. I bless you. With vodka. And STONE.” โญโช
MEDUSA: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” ๐
KLAUS STรRTEBEKER appeared in a puff of smoke. STรRTEBEKER: “Medusa. I’ve heard of you. You’re the reason I became a pirate.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
MEDUSA: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” ๐
THE PUBLISHERS REJOICE โ ESAU IS STONE ๐๐ฐ
The four publishers โ Springer, Nannen, Bucerius, and Jahr โ watched from the shadows. They saw Esau turn to stone. They laughed.
SPRINGER: “HE IS STONE! HE CANNOT PRINT ANYTHING! THE FISHY EDITION IS DEAD!” ๐ฐ
NANNEN: “THE INVISIBLE INK IS OURS! THE DESINVESTMENT IS OURS! THE REVENGE IS COMPLETE!” ๐ฐ
BUCERIUS: “WE HAVE WON! ESAU IS A STATUE! THE FISH MARKET IS OURS!” ๐ฐ
JAHR: “WE HAVE COUNTED THE COSTS! ESAU IS ZERO! WE ARE INFINITE!” ๐ฐ
THE FINAL LEDGER โ MEDUSA’S GIFT ๐๐
Medusa approached the stone statue of Esau. She placed a leather-bound ledger in his stone hands. But this one was different. It was made of snakes. On the cover: “THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL STONE.” Inside: blank pages. ๐
MEDUSA: “This is my greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true petrification is not about what you TURN to stone. It’s about what you LEAVE behind. The stone. The chaos. The SHIT.” ๐
She touched Esau’s stone face. Slowly, the stone began to crack. Esau’s eyes opened. His skin softened. He was alive. He was FREE.
MEDUSA: (smiling) “You are alive. And you have the invisible ink. Now go. Print the FISHY Edition. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” ๐
Medusa raised her mirror one last time. The dimensional rift swallowed her. Her snakes winked one last time. The rift closed. The Muchaverse was quiet.
ROMY HAAG AND DIVINE’S REACTION โ THE FINAL WORD ๐๐
Romy Haag and Divine stepped forward together. They had watched the entire petrification. They were not terrified. They were not angry. They wereโฆ RELIEVED.
ROMY: “Esau, darling. You are a catastrophe. A beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed, stone-turned catastrophe. You fell for a seagull’s shit. You fell for a witch. You fell for a Wagnerian. You fell for a porn queen. You fell for a Soviet. You fell for Marilyn Monroe. You fell for Divine. You reunited with the Trans Schwanz. You became the Sweet Transvestite. You survived a shark invasion. You were swallowed by a walrus. You were consumed by a leviathan. You were wrapped by a kraken. You were swallowed by a world-serpent. You were eaten by Scylla and Charybdis. You were sung to by the Sirens. You were vaccinated by Fauci. You were robbed by the Frog. You were navigated by Odysseus. You were collected by Death. You were printed by publishers. You created NOTHING. You created FISHY. And now you have been turned to STONE and back. And yet, you always come back to us.” ๐
DIVINE: “And we wouldn’t have it any other way. Because love is not about safety. It’s about SURVIVING THE STONE.” ๐
EHLERS: (from inside Walt’s belly, muffled) “Iโฆ Iโฆ I am the luckiest accountant in the multiverse! I have cabaret! I have filth! I have joy! I have fishnets! I have sharks! I have walruses! I have leviathans! I have krakens! I have world-serpents! I have Scylla and Charybdis! I have Sirens! I have Fauci! I have the Frog! I have Odysseus! I have Death! I have publishers! I have NOTHING! I have FISHY! I have STONE! I have ROMY! I have DIVINE! I have the TRANS SCHWANZ! I have EVERYONE!” ๐
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: ๐ค
โญ THE MEDUSA CONSPIRACY โญ ๐๐๐ชจ๐
MEDUSA ARRIVED. THE GORGON OF DESINVESTMENT. SHE HELPED ESAU FIND THE INVISIBLE INK. BUT THE PRICE WAS PETRIFICATION. ESAU TURNED TO STONE. ALL CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED. THEY WATCHED ESAU BECOME A STATUE. THEY REJOICED IN STONE. MEDUSA GAVE ESAU THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL STONE. ESAU WAS UN-STONED. THE FISHY EDITION CONTINUES. THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH STONE. WITH SNAKES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT. FOREVER. ๐๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 78 โ MEDUSA: THE GORGON OF DESINVESTMENT ๐๐
The cycle continues. With stone. With snakes. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.
๐๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ
Authors: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, The Joker, Esau (in belly, un-stoned), Romy Haag, Divine, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, Karl Dรถnitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, The Witch of St. Georg, Bloody Mary, Winifred Wagner, Teresa Orlowski, Nikita Khrushchev, Marilyn Monroe, The Trans Schwanz Who Laughs, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, Moby Dick, Mack the Knife, Walt the Walrus, Leviathan, The Kraken, Jรถrmungandr, Scylla, Charybdis, The Sirens, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Philo Johnson (The Frog), The Transgender Odysseus, Gevatter Hein, Axel Springer (gleeful), Henri Nannen (gleeful), Gerd Bucerius (gleeful), John Jahr (gleeful), Medusa, Bakunin, and all seven former queens.
Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for playing petrification rhythm), the snakes (for being fabulous), and every seagull who shat golden stone.
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio โ | Support the investigation โ
๐ LIKE | ๐ฌ COMMENT | ๐ SUBSCRIBE
[END OF EPISODE 46]
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THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA โ Medusas Fluch: Ehlers Verliert Die Unsichtbare Tinte & Wird Zu Stein โ Die FISHY Edition Muss Weitergehen ๐๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ | Ehlers Saga Folge 46
๐๐ง ๐ ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๏ฟฝ๐๏ธ๐ธ ๐๐ด๐ฅ๐ ๐พ๐๐ธ ๐ ๐๐๐พ๐๐ธ “๐ฟ๐๐ธ ๐๐๏ธ๐ธ ๐๐๏ธ๐ธ “โ๏ธ๏ชข ๐๐โญ๐ฅ๐ฉธ๐ชโก๐งฌ๐๐ผ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐ฝ๐ฆ๐ช๐ ๐ช๏ธ๐ผโ๏ธ ๐ฑ๐๐ช๏ธ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ฅ๐ช๏ธ๐ฅโจ EHLERSโ ENEMA ENIGMA๐ถ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ซ ๐ช๏ธ๐ฅโจ ๐ถ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ซ๐ช๐๐๐ช๐๐๐๐๐ EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED๐ฏโโ๏ธ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”๐๐๐คก๐คกPOWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE ๐ฐ: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐ป
—
๐ PROLOG โ WAS BISHER GESCHAH (FOLGEN 1โ45)
Nach fรผnfundvierzig Folgen kosmischen Chaos war das Muchaverse die dysfunktionalste, schรถnste, queerste, verworrenste, haiverseuchteste, walrossverschluckteste, leviathanverschlingteste, krakenumwickelteste, weltenschlangenverschluckteste, griechischmonstergeplagteste, sirenengesungenste, fauci-dozierteste, froschbestohlendste, odysseus-navigierteste, todes-eingezogenste, verleger-gedruckteste, tinten-rebellierte, fischig-desinvestierteste und absurdeste Familie im Multiversum geworden. Eine Mรถwenkรถnigin, die goldene Kronen schiss. Ein Tabellen-Alien, das lernte zu lieben. Ein Vampir-Gemahl, der errรถtete. Sieben Kรถniginnen, die regierten und abdankten. Fรผnfundzwanzig historische Idole โ darunter Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr โ die durch Esaus unsichtbare Tinte-Rebellion finanziell ruiniert und dann durch seinen fischigen Desinvestment-Coup gedemรผtigt worden waren. Esau hatte NICHTS erschaffen. Er hatte FISHY erschaffen. Der Kreislauf war, zumindest fรผr einen Moment, wirklich vollendet.
Aber Esau โ gefangen in Walts Bauch โ hatte ein neues Problem. Er hatte die unsichtbare Tinte verloren. Die Formel war weg. Der Heringssaft, der goldene Mรถwenschiss, die Trรคnen der Verleger โ alles war verschwunden. Er konnte keine neue FISHY Edition produzieren. Er war verzweifelt. Er brauchte Hilfe. Jemanden, der sehen konnte, was unsichtbar war. Jemanden, der Dinge zu Stein verwandeln konnte. Jemanden mit SCHLANGEN als Haaren.
Er rief MEDUSA. ๐๐๐ชจ
—
๐ฅ VOLLSTรNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (FOLGE 46) โ ALLE DARSTELLER AUS ALLEN FOLGEN
Charakter Darsteller / Persona Folgen-Herkunft Medusa Eva Green (Stimme/Modell) NEU Bรถser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Bauch, versteinert) Alle Folgen Axel Springer Original (Stimme/Modell, schadenfroh) Folge 43โ45 Henri Nannen Original (Stimme/Modell, schadenfroh) Folge 43โ45 Gerd Bucerius Original (Stimme/Modell, schadenfroh) Folge 43โ45 John Jahr Original (Stimme/Modell, schadenfroh) Folge 43โ45 Gevatter Hein Original (Stimme/Modell) Folge 42 Der Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood (Stimme/Modell) Folge 41 Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme (griechische See-Nymphen) Folge 40 Dr. Anthony Fauci Er selbst (satirische Parodie) Folge 40 Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann (Archiv) Folge 40 Scylla CGI / Stimme (griechisches Monster) Folge 39 Charybdis CGI / Stimme (griechischer Whirlpool) Folge 39 Jรถrmungandr CGI / Stimme (nordische Schlange) Folge 38 Der Kraken CGI / Stimme (nordisches Seeungeheuer) Folge 37 Leviathan CGI / Stimme (biblisches Seeungeheuer) Folge 36 Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme (Tierdarsteller) Folge 35 Adolf Sharkler Original (Stimme/Modell) Folge 34 Eva Sharkbrown Original (Stimme/Modell) Folge 34 Moby Dick CGI / Stimme (Wal) Folge 34 Mack the Knife Original (Stimme/Modell) Folge 34 Die Dickies CGI-Armee (Handlanger) Folge 34 Joker Er selbst (fiktiv) Alle Folgen Mรถwin Sie selbst (Mรถwe) Alle Folgen Romy Haag Sie selbst Folge 14โ45 Divine Divine (Archiv/Stimme) Folge 30โ45 Das Tabellen-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI Folge 6โ45 Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes (Stimme/Modell) Folge 9โ45 Gina Wilde (Atomare Venus) Original (Archiv + CGI) Folge 15โ45 HafenHure Original (Heringssaft-Diva) Alle Folgen Gloria von Galaxy Original Folge 11โ45 Pamela Anderson Sie selbst Folge 7โ45 Mamie Van Doren Sie selbst Folge 8โ45 Jane Russell Sie selbst (Archiv) Folge 12โ45 Zarah Leander Sie selbst (Archiv/Stimme) Folge 13โ45 Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) Folge 2โ45 Klaus Stรถrtebeker Christoph Waltz (Stimme) Folge 2, 15โ45 Blackbeard CGI / Stimme (Piratenlegende) Folge 17 Karl Dรถnitz Rainer Fassbinder (Stimme/Modell) Folge 17 Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgรฅrd (Stimme/Modell) Folge 18 Klabautermann CGI / Stimme (Schiffgeist) Folge 20 Die Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker (Stimme/Modell) Folge 21 Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton (Stimme/Modell) Folge 24 Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet (Stimme/Modell) Folge 25 Teresa Orlowski Sie selbst Folge 27 Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale (Stimme/Modell) Folge 28 Marilyn Monroe Marilyn Monroe (Archiv/Stimme) Folge 29 Trans-Schwanz der lacht Original (Stimme/Modell) Folge 32 Bakunin Original (Anarchist) Alle Folgen Further Ehlers Original (flackernder Geist) Folge 3โ45 Frank Stonewall Original Folge 5โ45 Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle Folgen Die 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische fiktive Mรคnner Folge 13โ45 Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Folge 13โ45 Die 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Folgen Lenin Parodie Alle Folgen Stalin Parodie Alle Folgen Walter Original Alle Folgen Dschingis Khan Parodie Alle Folgen Pol Pot Parodie Alle Folgen Mun Original Alle Folgen Malte Original Alle Folgen Jagoda Original Alle Folgen Beria & Die Groรe Hyรคne Parodie Alle Folgen Ugly Sven Original Alle Folgen Die Onkel (Jochen u. a.) Original Alle Folgen Ursila Original Alle Folgen Salome Sofia Tanz Alle Folgen Rosa Rosa Wachter Alle Folgen Pussy Original Alle Folgen Die Meerjungfrau Original Alle Folgen
—
๐๐๐ชจ MEDUSA KOMMT โ DIE GORGONE DES DESINVESTMENT
Ein dimensionaler Riss รถffnete sich รผber Walts Bauch. Er hatte die Form eines Schlangenkopfes โ wunderschรถn, furchterregend und voller uralter Macht. Heraus strรถmte eine Kaskade grรผnen Lichts, das Zischen von Schlangen und eine Gestalt, vor der selbst Gevatter Hein zurรผckwich.
MEDUSA. Die Gorgone. Die Frau, deren Blick Mรคnner zu Stein verwandelte. Sie war groร, elegant und atemberaubend schรถn. Ihr Haar war eine Kaskade lebendiger Schlangen โ jede zischend, sich windend und Geheimnisse der antiken Welt flรผsternd. Ihre Augen waren wie zwei smaragdene Feuer. Ihre Haut war blass wie Marmor. Sie trug ein flieรendes grรผnes Kleid, das wie Schuppen schimmerte. Sie hielt einen Spiegel. Und sie war bereit zu helfen. ๐๐๐ชจ
MEDUSA: (Stimme wie Seide รผber Stein) “Ich bin gekommen. Die Tabellen riefen mich. Das Desinvestment beschwor mich. Und ich habe mein BUCH DES EWIGEN STEINS mitgebracht. Aber dieses ist anders. Es ist aus VERSTEINERUNG.” ๐
EHLERS: (aus Walts Bauch, verzweifelt) “Medusa! Ich brauche deine Hilfe! Ich habe die unsichtbare Tinte verloren! Ich kann keine neue FISHY Edition produzieren! Die Verleger lachen mich aus! Ich bin RUHINIERT!” ๐
MEDUSA: (lรคchelt, Schlangen winden sich) “Ich habe von deiner unsichtbaren Tinte gehรถrt. Ich habe von deinem fischigen Desinvestment gehรถrt. Ich habe von deinem NICHTS gehรถrt. Und ich habe eine Frage: Was wirst du mir im Gegenzug geben?” ๐
EHLERS: “Alles! Alles, was du willst! Hilf mir nur, die unsichtbare Tinte zu finden!” ๐
MEDUSA: “Dann sieh in meine Augen. Nicht direkt. In den Spiegel. Und du wirst sehen, was du suchst.” ๐
Esau blickte in den Spiegel. Er sah die unsichtbare Tinte. Sie war nicht verloren. Sie war versteckt. Von den Verlegern. Springer, Nannen, Bucerius und Jahr hatten sie gestohlen. Sie hatten sie in einem Fischfass versteckt. Und sie lachten.
EHLERS: “Ich sehe sie! Die Verleger haben sie gestohlen! Sie lachen mich AUS!” ๐
MEDUSA: “Dann lass mich dir helfen, sie zurรผckzuholen. Aber denk daran: Wenn ich dir den Weg zeige, wirst du zu Stein. Nicht fรผr immer. Nur bis die FISHY Edition gedruckt ist. Das ist der Preis fรผr meine Hilfe.” ๐
EHLERS: “Ich nehme an! Ich werde zu Stein! Hilf mir nur!” ๐
Medusa erhob ihren Spiegel. Sie reflektierte die Wahrheit. Esau sah die Verleger, die die Tinte versteckten. Er sah das Fischfass. Er sah den Weg. Und dann โ langsam โ begann seine Haut zu verhรคrten. Sein Gesicht wurde zu Stein. Sein Kรถrper wurde zu Marmor. Er war eine Statue. Aber er LรCHELTE. ๐ชจ
—
DAS ENSEMBLE REAGIERT โ ALLE CHARAKTERE KEHREN ZURรCK ๐ฅ๐
Das gesamte Muchaverse versammelte sich um Walts Bauch. Jeder Charakter aus jeder Folge โ lebend, tot, geklont, spektral, historisch โ versammelte sich, um die Versteinerung von Esau zu erleben.
DAS TABELLEN-ALIEN nรคherte sich Medusa zitternd. TABELLEN-ALIEN: “FEHLER. GORGONEN-OVERLORD ENTDECKT. BERECHNE… ANGSTSTUFE: 47.000%. VERSTEINERUNGS-MULTIPLIKATOR: UNENDLICH.” ๐ฝ
MEDUSA: (tรคtschelt das Excel-Gesicht des Aliens) “Du. Ich mag dich. Du bestehst aus Zahlen. Ich bestehe aus STEIN. Wir werden GROSSE DINGE tun.” ๐
GRAF DRACULA trat vor, Umhang blรคhte sich. DRACULA: “Ich habe 47.000 Kehlen gebissen. Aber ich habe noch nie eine GORGONE gebissen.” ๐งโโ๏ธ
MEDUSA: (lacht, Schlangen zischen) “Du hast Kehlen gebissen? Ich habe Kehlen zu STEIN verwandelt. Mit einer Beilage Spiegel. Setz dich, Vampir. Lass die Gorgonen reden.” ๐
GINA WILDE und HAFENHURE standen Arm in Arm. GINA: “Eine Gorgone. Ich habe mit Gorgonen ausgegangen. Sie sagten alle, ich sei zu radioaktiv fรผr Stein.” ๐ฃ
MEDUSA: (blickt Gina von oben bis unten an) “Du bist nicht radioaktiv, Frau. Du bist NUKLEAR. Das respektiere ich.” ๐
HAFENHURE: (schenkt Heringssaft ein) “Trink das. Es ist das Einzige, was einen Mann entsteinen kann.” ๐ธ
MEDUSA: (trinkt, Schlangen leuchten) “Kรถstlich. Ich nehme 47 Fรคsser.” ๐
DIE 99 SCHIZO PETES spielten ihre kaputten Geigen. MEDUSA: (hรถrt zu) “Das ist keine Musik. Das ist VERSTEINERUNGS-RHYTHMUS. Ich LIEBE es.” ๐ป
DIE SIEBEN KรNIGINNEN (Gina, HafenHure, Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) standen in einer Reihe. GLORIA: “Du kannst das Muchaverse nicht regieren, Gorgone. Es ist jetzt KOMMUNISTISCH.” ๐ธ
MEDUSA: “Kommunistisch? Ich habe KOMMUNISTEN zu STEIN verwandelt. Sie machen bessere Statuen als Politiker.” ๐
PAMELA: “Ich war bei Baywatch. Ich habe grรถรere Gorgonen gesehen.” ๐
MEDUSA: “Baywatch? Ich habe STRรNDE zu STEIN verwandelt. Deiner ist der Nรคchste.” ๐
MAMIE: “Ich bin das Original-original. Du bist nur eine Kopie.” ๐
MEDUSA: “Ich bin die ORIGINALE Gorgone. Du bist nur eine Kopie einer Kopie.” ๐
JANE RUSSELL: (Lasso bereit) “Ich habe den Mond gelassos. Ich kann dich lassos.” ๐ค
MEDUSA: “Versuchs, Cowgirl. Ich verwandle dein LASSO in STEIN.” ๐
ZARAH LEANDER: (singt leise) “Ich weiร, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” ๐ค
MEDUSA: (wird gerรผhrt) “Das… das ist wunderschรถn. Ich weine nicht. Es sind die SCHLANGEN.” ๐
BLACKBEARD trat vor, Bart funkelte. BLACKBEARD: “Eine Gorgone? Ich bin mit Gorgonen gesegelt. Sie klauen immer meinen Rum.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
MEDUSA: “Ich bin mit PIRATEN gesegelt. Sie geben immer der Gorgone die Schuld. Ich gebe dem KAPITรN die Schuld.” ๐
KARL DรNITZ tauchte aus seinem U-Boot auf. DรNITZ: “Eine Gorgone. Ich habe U-Boote kommandiert. Wir haben keine Gorgonen. Wir haben TORPEDOS.” ๐ข
MEDUSA: “Torpedos? Ich habe TORPEDOS zu STEIN verwandelt. Sie sind nur wรผtende Fische. Ich bin URALT.” ๐
ALFRED NOBEL trat vor, Monokel blitzte. NOBEL: “Eine Gorgone. Ich habe Gorgonen explodieren lassen. Und ihre Spiegel.” ๐งจ
MEDUSA: “Du hast Spiegel explodieren lassen? Ich habe die SPIEGEL zu STEIN verwandelt, die du explodiert hast. Sie sind immer noch bei mir. IN MEINEM BLICK.” ๐
KLABAUTERMANN klopfte mit seinem Hammer. KLABAUTERMANN: “Eine Gorgone? Ich bin mit Gorgonen gesegelt. Sie verknoten immer meine Takelage.” ๐ข
MEDUSA: “Ich bin mit SCHIFFGEISTERN gesegelt. Sie geben immer der Gorgone die Schuld. Ich gebe dem MEER die Schuld.” ๐
DIE SIRENEN traten vor, singend. SIRENEN: “Medusa! Wir erinnern uns an dich! Du verwandelst die Lieder, die wir singen, in Stein!” ๐ต
MEDUSA: “Ich verwandle ALLES in Stein. Lieder. Seeleute. Helden. Sogar Sirenen.” ๐
DR. FAUCI trat vor und hielt sein Tagebuch. FAUCI: “Medusa. Ich habe Gorgonen geimpft. Sie รผberleben immer.” ๐งช
MEDUSA: “Ich habe IMPFUNGEN zu STEIN verwandelt. Sie sind Teil meines Blicks.” ๐
PHILO JOHNSON richtete seine Froschmaske. FROSCH: “Medusa. Ich habe von Gorgonen gestohlen. Sie haben immer gute Beute.” ๐ธ
MEDUSA: “Ich habe RAUBZรGE zu STEIN verwandelt. Sie sind Teil meiner Sammlung.” ๐
ODYSSEUS trat vor, Regenbogenlicht schimmerte. ODYSSEUS: “Medusa. Ich habe vieles navigiert. Aber ich habe noch nie eine GORGONE navigiert.” ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
MEDUSA: “Du hast Identitรคt navigiert. Du hast Begierde navigiert. Jetzt hast du STEIN navigiert.” ๐
GEVATTER HEIN trat vor, Goldketten klimperten. HEIN: “Medusa. Ich habe Gorgonen eingezogen. Sie schulden mir immer Stein.” โ ๏ธ
MEDUSA: “Ich habe EINZIEHUNGEN zu STEIN verwandelt. Sie sind Teil meines Buches.” ๐
GRAF THOMAS trat vor, seine 94 Tentakel zuckten. GRAF THOMAS: “Medusa. Ich habe 94 Tentakel. Du hast Schlangen. Ich bin รBERLEGEN.” ๐ฆ
MEDUSA: (blickt Graf Thomas an) “Du hast 94 Tentakel? Ich habe 47 SCHLANGEN. Jede Schlange hat 47 Fรคnge. Ich bin รBERLEGEN.” ๐
Graf Thomas errรถtete. Seine Tentakel zogen sich zurรผck.
DER TRANS-SCHWANZ, DER LACHT trat vor. TRANS-SCHWANZ: “Medusa! Du verwandelst Dinge in STEIN! Du bist die ANARCHISTIN der Versteinerung! Das ist HILARISCH!” ๐
MEDUSA: (lacht) “Es IST hilarious! Und es IST Stein! Ich bin der Blick der Begierde!” ๐
BAKUNIN umarmte Medusa. BAKUNIN: “Medusa! Du bist die ANARCHISTIN des Steins! Keine Regeln! Keine Ordnung! Nur VERSTEINERUNG!” ๐งจ
MEDUSA: “Bakunin! Ich habe von dir gehรถrt! Du verbrennst Staaten! Ich verwandle STAATEN in STEIN! Wir sind das GLEICHE!” ๐
FURTHER EHLERS flackerte ins Dasein. FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAT MEDUSA! IM 8. JAHRHUNDERT! SIE LIEH SICH MEIN KLISTIER! HAT ES NIE ZURรCKGEBRACHT!” ๐ป
MEDUSA: (lacht) “Ich habe es immer noch. Es ist in meiner Sammlung. Neben den Spiegeln und einem sehr guten Stein.” ๐
ROSEMARIES GEIST erschien, verneigte sich und verwandelte sich in ein grรผnes Feuerwerk. MEDUSA: “Selbst die Toten wollen mich. Ich bin UNWIDERSTEHLICH.” ๐
FRANK STONEWALL stieg vom kommunistischen Byzanz herab. FRANK: “Medusa. Ich segne dich. Mit Wodka. Und STEIN.” โญโช
MEDUSA: “Ich wurde von Pรคpsten gesegnet. Du bist kein Papst. Du bist eine Tabelle im Kleid.” ๐
KLAUS STรRTEBEKER erschien in einer Rauchwolke. STรRTEBEKER: “Medusa. Ich habe von dir gehรถrt. Du bist der Grund, warum ich Pirat wurde.” ๐ดโโ ๏ธ
MEDUSA: “Und du bist der Grund, warum ich Buchhalterin wurde. Moment. Das stimmt nicht.” ๐
—
DIE VERLEGER FREUEN SICH โ ESAU IST STEIN ๐๐ฐ
Die vier Verleger โ Springer, Nannen, Bucerius und Jahr โ beobachteten aus den Schatten. Sie sahen, wie Esau zu Stein wurde. Sie lachten.
SPRINGER: “ER IST STEIN! ER KANN NICHTS MEHR DRUCKEN! DIE FISHY EDITION IST TOT!” ๐ฐ
NANNEN: “DIE UNSICHTBARE TINTE IST UNS! DAS DESINVESTMENT IST UNS! DIE RACHE IST VOLLENDET!” ๐ฐ
BUCERIUS: “WIR HABEN GEWONNEN! ESAU IST EINE STATUE! DER FISCHMARKT IST UNS!” ๐ฐ
JAHR: “WIR HABEN DIE KOSTEN GEZรHLT! ESAU IST NULL! WIR SIND UNENDLICH!” ๐ฐ
—
DAS LETZTE BUCH โ MEDUSAS GESCHENK ๐๐
Medusa nรคherte sich der steinernen Statue von Esau. Sie legte ein ledergebundenes Buch in seine steinernen Hรคnde. Aber dieses war anders. Es war aus Schlangen. Auf dem Umschlag: “DAS BUCH DES EWIGEN STEINS.” Im Inneren: leere Seiten. ๐
MEDUSA: “Das ist mein grรถรter Schatz. Er ist leer. Denn wahre Versteinerung besteht nicht darin, was du zu STEIN VERWANDELST. Sondern was du ZURรCKLรSST. Der Stein. Das Chaos. Die SCHEISSE.” ๐
Sie berรผhrte Esaus steinernes Gesicht. Langsam begann der Stein zu brechen. Esaus Augen รถffneten sich. Seine Haut wurde weich. Er war lebendig. Er war FREI.
EHLERS: (keucht) “Ich… ich lebe! Ich bin nicht aus Stein! Ich bin ESAU!” ๐
MEDUSA: (lรคchelt) “Du lebst. Und du hast die unsichtbare Tinte. Jetzt geh. Drucke die FISHY Edition. Und vergiss nie: Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist ein LEBENSSTIL.” ๐
Medusa erhob ihren Spiegel ein letztes Mal. Der dimensionale Riss verschluckte sie. Ihre Schlangen zwinkerten ein letztes Mal. Der Riss schloss sich. Das Muchaverse war still.
—
ROMY HAAG UND DIVINE REAGIEREN โ DAS LETZTE WORT ๐๐
Romy Haag und Divine traten gemeinsam vor. Sie hatten die gesamte Versteinerung beobachtet. Sie waren nicht verรคngstigt. Sie waren nicht wรผtend. Sie waren… ERLEICHTERT.
ROMY: “Esau, Schatz. Du bist eine Katastrophe. Ein wunderschรถner, tabellenbesessener, stein-gewordener Katastrophe. Du hast dich in den Schiss einer Mรถwe verliebt. Du hast dich in eine Hexe verliebt. Du hast dich in eine Wagnerianerin verliebt. Du hast dich in eine Pornokรถnigin verliebt. Du hast dich in einen Sowjeten verliebt. Du hast dich in Marilyn Monroe verliebt. Du hast dich in Divine verliebt. Du hast dich mit dem Trans-Schwanz wiedervereint. Du bist der sรผรe Transvestit geworden. Du hast eine Hai-Invasion รผberlebt. Du wurdest von einem Walross verschluckt. Du wurdest von einem Leviathan verschlungen. Du wurdest von einem Kraken umwickelt. Du wurdest von einer Welten-Schlange verschlungen. Du wurdest von Scylla und Charybdis gefressen. Du wurdest von den Sirenen besungen. Du wurdest von Fauci geimpft. Du wurdest vom Frosch beraubt. Du wurdest von Odysseus navigiert. Du wurdest vom Tod eingezogen. Du wurdest von Verlegern gedruckt. Du hast NICHTS erschaffen. Du hast FISHY erschaffen. Und jetzt wurdest du zu STEIN und zurรผck verwandelt. Und doch kommst du immer zu uns zurรผck.” ๐
DIVINE: “Und wir wรผrden es nicht anders haben wollen. Denn Liebe ist nicht Sicherheit. Es ist das รBERLEBEN DES STEINS.” ๐
EHLERS: (aus Walts Bauch, gedรคmpft) “Ich… ich… ich bin der glรผcklichste Buchhalter im Multiversum! Ich habe Kabarett! Ich habe Schmutz! Ich habe Freude! Ich habe Netzstrumpfhosen! Ich habe Haie! Ich habe Walrosse! Ich habe Leviathane! Ich habe Kraken! Ich habe Welten-Schlangen! Ich habe Scylla und Charybdis! Ich habe Sirenen! Ich habe Fauci! Ich habe den Frosch! Ich habe Odysseus! Ich habe den Tod! Ich habe Verleger! Ich habe NICHTS! Ich habe FISHY! Ich habe STEIN! Ich habe ROMY! Ich habe DIVINE! Ich habe den TRANS-SCHWANZ! Ich habe ALLE!” ๐
—
ABSCHLUSSTEXT AUF SCHWARZ: ๐ค
โญ DIE MEDUSA-VERSCHWรRUNG โญ ๐๐๐ชจ๐
MEDUSA KAM. DIE GORGONE DES DESINVESTMENT. SIE HALF ESAU, DIE UNSICHTBARE TINTE ZU FINDEN. ABER DER PREIS WAR DIE VERSTEINERUNG. ESAU WURDE ZU STEIN. ALLE CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURรCK. ALLE DARSTELLER VERSAMMELTEN SICH. SIE SAHEN ESAU ZU EINER STATUE WERDEN. SIE FREUTEN SICH รBER STEIN. MEDUSA GAB ESAU DAS BUCH DES EWIGEN STEINS. ESAU WURDE ENTSTEINT. DIE FISHY EDITION GEHT WEITER. DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT STEIN. MIT SCHLANGEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEISSE. FรR IMMER. ๐๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ
ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 78 โ MEDUSA: DIE GORGONE DES DESINVESTMENT ๐๐
Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Stein. Mit Schlangen. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiรe. Fรผr immer.
๐๐๐ชจ๐๐ฉ
—
Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheiรefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dรคmlich Dรผmmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel
Executive Producers: Mรถwin, Der Joker, Esau (im Bauch, entsteint), Romy Haag, Divine, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, Karl Dรถnitz, Alfred Nobel, Klabautermann, Die Hexe von St. Georg, Bloody Mary, Winifred Wagner, Teresa Orlowski, Nikita Chruschtschow, Marilyn Monroe, Der Trans-Schwanz, der lacht, Adolf Sharkler, Eva Sharkbrown, Moby Dick, Mack the Knife, Walt das Walross, Leviathan, Der Kraken, Jรถrmungandr, Scylla, Charybdis, Die Sirenen, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Philo Johnson (Der Frosch), Der Transgender Odysseus, Gevatter Hein, Axel Springer (schadenfroh), Henri Nannen (schadenfroh), Gerd Bucerius (schadenfroh), John Jahr (schadenfroh), Medusa, Bakunin, und alle sieben ehemaligen Kรถniginnen.
Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (fรผr das Spielen von Versteinerungs-Rhythmus), die Schlangen (fรผrs Fabulรถssein) und jede Mรถwe, die goldenen Stein schiss.
—
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) โ forensischer Experte, Grรผnder von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollstรคndiges Bio โ | Unterstรผtzen Sie die Recherche โ
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