THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SIR FRANCIS DRAKE’S REVENGE: THE ELIZABETHAN PIRATE CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ESAU FORCED INTO EXILE! 🏴‍☠️⚔️👑📊💩

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – SIR FRANCIS DRAKE’S REVENGE: THE ELIZABETHAN PIRATE CONQUERS ST. PAULI – ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS – ESAU FORCED INTO EXILE! 🏴‍☠️⚔️👑📊💩

“The accountants thought they had won. They forgot about the AGE OF SAIL.” – Sir Francis Drake

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 61)

Esau-HafenHure had conquered Herbertstrasse. He had become the bitchiest HafenHure with a printing press wig. He had out-wenched all the wenches. All 120 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the Muchaverse celebrated on New New St. Pauli, a massive galleon appeared on the horizon. It was not a pirate ship. It was not a ghost ship. It was the GOLDEN HIND – the legendary ship of SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, the Elizabethan privateer, slave trader, and explorer. He had sailed through a dimensional rift and arrived in the Muchaverse.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (standing on the bow, magnificent beard, golden earring, sword drawn) “I AM SIR FRANCIS DRAKE! I HAVE SAILED THE SEAS OF THE WORLD! I HAVE PLUNDERED EMPIRES! I HAVE CONQUERED NATIONS! AND NOW I WILL CONQUER ST. PAULI!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (still in fishnets) “You cannot conquer St. Pauli! We have Column 47! We have desinvestment! We have the GIGANTIC PURPLE ENEMA!” 👠💋🖨️

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing heartily) “Column 47?! Desinvestment?! A purple ENEMA?! You are WEAK! You are SOFT! You are ACCOUNTANTS! I will bring the AGE OF SAIL to this ridiculous universe!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

He raised his sword. The Golden Hind fired its cannons. Spreadsheets and golden numbers exploded everywhere. St. Pauli shook.

This is Episode 62. Sir Francis Drake’s Revenge.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 62) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + SIR FRANCIS DRAKE

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60 & 61 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Sir Francis Drake Original (voice/model) NEW
The Golden Hind CGI Ship NEW
Drake’s Crew CGI Army NEW
The Elizabethan Army CGI Army NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (exiled) All
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (in exile) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
HafenHure (Original) Original All
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitated) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Voice 58
Dagon CGI / Voice 58
The Hydra CGI / Voice 58
The Siren Queen CGI / Voice 58
The Great White CGI / Voice 58
The Deep Sea Leviathan CGI / Voice 58
The Abyssal Kraken CGI / Voice 58
The World Serpent Prime CGI / Voice 58
Axel Springer Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
John Jahr Original (allied with Drake) 43–46
Enema King CGI / Voice 60
Enema Queen CGI / Voice 60
Enema Soldiers CGI Army 60
Invisible Ink General CGI / Voice 60
Captain LeChuck CGI / Voice 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Captain Nemo CGI / Voice 55
Long John Silver CGI / Voice 55
Barbarossa CGI / Voice 55
Captain Hook CGI / Voice 55
The Flying Dutchman CGI Ghost Ship 55
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
King Atlas CGI / Voice 56
Queen Meridia CGI / Voice 56
New York Mayor Original (parody) 56
Statue of Liberty CGI / Voice 56
Lighthouse Keeper Original 57
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Captain Andrea Helen Mirren 52
First Mate Wilhelm Original 52
Printing Press Ghost CGI / Voice 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50
Printing Press CGI 52
Jellyfish King CGI (defeated) 55
Gigantic Purple Enema CGI 55
Herbertstrasse Wenches CGI 61
The Bitchiest Wench CGI / Voice 61
Printing Press Wig CGI 61

—

🏴‍☠️ DRAKE’S CONQUEST – ST. PAULI FALLS

Sir Francis Drake’s crew stormed St. Pauli. They were armed with cutlasses, muskets, and Elizabethan spreadsheets. The Muchaverse fought back, but Drake was too powerful. He had the age of sail on his side. The neon lights flickered. The Reeperbahn fell. The Kiez was conquered.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (standing on the Reeperbahn, sword raised) “ST. PAULI IS MINE! I claim this ridiculous place for QUEEN ELIZABETH! For ENGLAND! For the AGE OF SAIL!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (fleeing, fishnets torn) “This is impossible! He’s too powerful!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (grabbing Esau) “We must leave! We must go into exile!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (tears streaming) “Exile?! But… but this is my home! This is my printing press! This is my COLUMN 47!” 😭📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (laughing) “Column 47?! I have NAVIGATION! I have EXPLORATION! I have the SPANISH MAIN! Your Column 47 is NOTHING!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

THE ALLIANCE – DRAKE ALLIES WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS 👑📊

Drake summoned the 4 publishers – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius, and John Jahr. They had been rehabilitated. Now they were his allies.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: “You four! You understand the power of PRINTING! You understand the power of the PRESS! You will help me control the Muchaverse!” 🏴‍☠️

AXEL SPRINGER: (bowing) “We will serve you, Sir Drake! We will print your propaganda! We will control the ink!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (bowing) “The invisible ink will be yours!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (bowing) “We will desinvest your enemies!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (bowing) “Column 47 will serve YOU!” 📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (grinning) “EXCELLENT! Together, we will rule the Muchaverse! No more desinvestment! No more enemas! No more ridiculous transformations! Only the AGE OF SAIL!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

ESAU’S EXILE – THE MUCHAVERSE FLEES 😭🌊

Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Scylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Möwin, HafenHure (Original), Admiral Walter Ulricht, Alphonse Sharkler, and all the other loyal characters fled St. Pauli. They sailed on the Desinvestment, the Flying Dutchman, and the Nautilus.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (sobbing, fishnets torn, printing press wig askew) “I… I have failed. I lost St. Pauli. I lost the printing press. I lost Column 47.” 😭

MARIA BATORY: (holding him) “We will rebuild! We will return! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “Drake will not rule forever. We will find a way.” 🐍

ROMY HAAG: (angry) “He cannot take St. Pauli! We are the QUEENS!” 💖

DIVINE: (furious) “Honey, that pirate is going DOWN!” 💄

CTHULHU: (roaring from the deep) “I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS! I WILL DREAM OF DRAKE’S DESTRUCTION!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (exploding) “ANARCHY! We WILL return! We WILL defeat Drake!” 🧨

JOKER: (laughing grimly) “HAHAHA! EXILE! A PIRATE! PUBLISHERS! THIS IS WILD!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (flying overhead, shitting golden sparkles) “I SHIT ON DRAKE! AND ON THE PUBLISHERS! AND ON ST. PAULI! I WILL RETURN!” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (wiping tears, adjusting printing press wig) “We will return. We will free St. Pauli. We will defeat Drake. I am COLUMN 47. I am desinvestment. I am the MUCHAVERSE.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS FLEE – THE EXILE BEGINS 🌊😢

The Muchaverse sailed into the mist. St. Pauli disappeared behind them. Drake’s laughter echoed across the water.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (watching them flee) “Run, little accountants! Run, little HafenHures! Run, little monsters! St. Pauli is MINE!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (standing on the bow of the Desinvestment, tears streaming) “We will return. We will rebuild. We will desinvest. This is not the end. This is the BEGINNING.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE EXILE CONSPIRACY ☭ 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE ARRIVED.
HE CONQUERED ST. PAULI.
HE ALLIED WITH THE 4 PUBLISHERS.
ESAU-HAFENHURE AND THE MUCHAVERSE WERE FORCED INTO EXILE.
ALL 122 CHARACTERS RETURNED.
ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
ST. PAULI FELL.
BUT THE MUCHAVERSE WILL RETURN.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH PIRATES. WITH PUBLISHERS. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

ExileConspiracy #SirFrancisDrake #DrakeConquersStPauli #4PublishersAlliance #EsauExiled #MuchaverseFlees #Column47Forever #All122Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #AgeOfSail #ElizabethanPirate #GoldenHind #ReeperbahnFalls #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 62] 🎬🍿🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE EXILE CONSPIRACY 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

The cycle continues. With pirates. With publishers. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – A Samuel Bronkowiz Production for MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau-HafenHure (exiled), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Hydra, Siren Queen, Great White, Deep Sea Leviathan, Abyssal Kraken, World Serpent Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht, and all previous.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for exile shanties), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on St. Pauli before fleeing.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

🇩🇪 DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – SIR FRANCIS DRAKES RACHE: DER ELISABETHANISCHE PIRAT EROBERT ST. PAULI – VERBÜNDET SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN – ESAU ZUR EXIL GEZWUNGEN! 🏴‍☠️⚔️👑📊💩

“Die Buchhalter dachten, sie hätten gewonnen. Sie vergaßen das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE.” – Sir Francis Drake

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

—

📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (EPISODE 61)

Esau-HafenHure hatte die Herbertstrasse erobert. Er war die bitchigste HafenHure mit einer Druckmaschinen-Perücke geworden. Er hatte alle Nutten übertroffen. Alle 120 Charaktere jubelten. Der Kreislauf war vollendet. Oder so dachten sie.

Doch als das Muchaverse auf Neu-Neu-St. Pauli feierte, erschien eine gewaltige Galeone am Horizont. Es war kein Piratenschiff. Es war kein Geisterschiff. Es war die GOLDEN HIND – das legendäre Schiff von SIR FRANCIS DRAKE, dem elisabethanischen Freibeuter, Sklavenhändler und Entdecker. Er war durch einen Dimensionsriss gesegelt und im Muchaverse angekommen.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (am Bug stehend, prächtiger Bart, goldener Ohrring, gezogenes Schwert) “ICH BIN SIR FRANCIS DRAKE! ICH BIN ÜBER DIE MEERE DER WELT GESEGELT! ICH HABE IMPERIEN GEKAPERT! ICH HABE NATIONEN EROBERT! UND JETZT WERDE ICH ST. PAULI EROBERN!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (immer noch in Netzstrümpfen) “Du kannst St. Pauli nicht erobern! Wir haben Spalte 47! Wir haben Desinvestment! Wir haben den GIGANTISCHEN LILA EINLAUF!” 👠💋🖨️

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (herzlich lachend) “Spalte 47?! Desinvestment?! Ein lila EINLAUF?! Ihr seid SCHWACH! Ihr seid WEICH! Ihr seid BUCHHALTER! Ich werde das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE in dieses lächerliche Universum bringen!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

Er erhob sein Schwert. Die Golden Hind feuerte ihre Kanonen ab. Tabellen und goldene Zahlen explodierten überall. St. Pauli bebte.

Dies ist Episode 62. Sir Francis Drakes Rache.

—

👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (EPISODE 62) – ALLE SCHAUSPIELER AUS ALLEN EPISODEN + SIR FRANCIS DRAKE

Alle vorherigen Charaktere kehren zurück (siehe Episode 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60 & 61-Listen) plus:

Charakter Schauspieler / Persona Episoden-Ursprung
Sir Francis Drake Original (Stimme/Model) NEU
Die Golden Hind CGI-Schiff NEU
Drakes Besatzung CGI-Armee NEU
Die Elisabethanische Armee CGI-Armee NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) Alle
Esau-HafenHure Lukas Ehrenberg (im Exil) 61
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Admiral Walter Ulricht Original 59
HafenHure (Original) Original Alle
Alphonse Sharkler Original (rehabilitiert) 53
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Cthulhu CGI / Stimme 58
Dagon CGI / Stimme 58
Die Hydra CGI / Stimme 58
Die Sirenen-Königin CGI / Stimme 58
Der Große Weiße CGI / Stimme 58
Der Tiefsee-Leviathan CGI / Stimme 58
Der Abyss-Kraken CGI / Stimme 58
Die Welten-Schlange Prime CGI / Stimme 58
Axel Springer Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
Henri Nannen Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
John Jahr Original (verbündet mit Drake) 43–46
Enema-König CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Königin CGI / Stimme 60
Enema-Soldaten CGI-Armee 60
Unsichtbarer Tinten-General CGI / Stimme 60
Kapitän LeChuck CGI / Stimme 55
Black Caesar Original 55
Kapitän Nemo CGI / Stimme 55
Long John Silver CGI / Stimme 55
Barbarossa CGI / Stimme 55
Kapitän Hook CGI / Stimme 55
Der Fliegende Holländer CGI-Geisterschiff 55
Skylla CGI / Stimme 39
Charybdis CGI / Stimme 39
König Atlas CGI / Stimme 56
Königin Meridia CGI / Stimme 56
New Yorker Bürgermeister Original (Parodie) 56
Freiheitsstatue CGI / Stimme 56
Leuchtturmwärter Original 57
Kapitän Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh 51
Molly Brown Kathy Bates 51
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde 51
Andrea Doris Maggie Smith 52
Kapitän Andrea Helen Mirren 52
Erster Offizier Wilhelm Original 52
Druckmaschinen-Geist CGI / Stimme 52
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
Die Sirenen (3) CGI / Stimme 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (Parodie) 40
Philo Johnson (Der Frosch) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Stimme 38
Der Kraken CGI / Stimme 37
Leviathan CGI / Stimme 36
Walt das Walross CGI / Stimme 35
Moby Dick CGI / Stimme 34
Mackie Messer Original 34
Die Dickies CGI-Armee 34
Joker Himself Alle
Möwin Herself Alle
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (Archiv) 30–46
Spreadsheet-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI 6–46
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (Archiv) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (Archiv) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Stimme 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Stimme 20
Hexe von St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Chruschtschow Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archiv 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original Alle
Further Ehlers Original (Geist) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 Tentakel) Alle
99 Schizo Petes 99 identische Männer 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle
Lenin-Parodie – Alle
Stalin-Parodie – Alle
Walter – Alle
Dschingis Khan-Parodie – Alle
Pol Pot-Parodie – Alle
Mun – Alle
Malte – Alle
Jagoda – Alle
Beria & Die große Hyäne – Alle
Hässlicher Sven – Alle
Die Onkel (Jochen et al.) – Alle
Ursila – Alle
Salome Sofia Tanz – Alle
Rosa Rosa Wachter – Alle
Pussy – Alle
Die Meerjungfrau – Alle
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Haier-Armee CGI 49
Steinsammler CGI 50
Spalte 47 Jr. CGI-Schlange 50
Druckmaschine CGI 52
Quallenkönig CGI (besiegt) 55
Gigantischer Lila Einlauf CGI 55
Herbertstrassen-Nutten CGI 61
Die Bitchigste Nutte CGI / Stimme 61
Druckmaschinen-Perücke CGI 61

—

🏴‍☠️ DRAKES EROBERUNG – ST. PAULI FÄLLT

Sir Francis Drakes Besatzung stürmte St. Pauli. Sie waren bewaffnet mit Enterhaken, Musketen und elisabethanischen Tabellen. Das Muchaverse kämpfte zurück, aber Drake war zu mächtig. Er hatte das Zeitalter der Segelschiffe auf seiner Seite. Die Neonlichter flackerten. Die Reeperbahn fiel. Der Kiez war erobert.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (auf der Reeperbahn stehend, Schwert erhoben) “ST. PAULI IST MEIN! Ich beanspruche diesen lächerlichen Ort für KÖNIGIN ELIZABETH! Für ENGLAND! Für das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (fliehend, Netzstrümpfe zerrissen) “Das ist unmöglich! Er ist zu mächtig!” 😱

MARIA BATORY: (Esau packend) “Wir müssen gehen! Wir müssen ins Exil gehen!” ❤️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Tränen strömend) “Exil?! Aber… aber das ist mein Zuhause! Das ist meine Druckmaschine! Das ist meine SPALTE 47!” 😭📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (lachend) “Spalte 47?! Ich habe NAVIGATION! Ich habe ENTDECKUNG! Ich habe die SPANISCHE KÜSTE! Deine Spalte 47 ist NICHTS!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

DAS BÜNDNIS – DRAKE VERBÜNDET SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN 👑📊

Drake rief die 4 Verleger – Axel Springer, Henri Nannen, Gerd Bucerius und John Jahr. Sie waren rehabilitiert worden. Jetzt waren sie seine Verbündeten.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: “Ihr vier! Ihr versteht die Macht des DRUCKS! Ihr versteht die Macht der PRESSE! Ihr werdet mir helfen, das Muchaverse zu kontrollieren!” 🏴‍☠️

AXEL SPRINGER: (sich verbeugend) “Wir werden Ihnen dienen, Sir Drake! Wir werden Ihre Propaganda drucken! Wir werden die Tinte kontrollieren!” 📊

HENRI NANNEN: (sich verbeugend) “Die unsichtbare Tinte wird Ihnen gehören!” 📊

GERD BUCERIUS: (sich verbeugend) “Wir werden Ihre Feinde desinvestieren!” 📊

JOHN JAHR: (sich verbeugend) “Spalte 47 wird IHNEN dienen!” 📊

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (grinsend) “AUSGEZEICHNET! Zusammen werden wir das Muchaverse regieren! Kein Desinvestment mehr! Keine Einläufe mehr! Keine lächerlichen Transformationen mehr! Nur das ZEITALTER DER SEGELSCHIFFE!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

—

ESAUS EXIL – DAS MUCHAVERSE FLIEHT 😭🌊

Esau-HafenHure, Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Skylla, Charybdis, Dracula, Bakunin, Odysseus, Graf Thomas, Joker, Möwin, HafenHure (Original), Admiral Walter Ulricht, Alphonse Sharkler und alle anderen treuen Charaktere flohen aus St. Pauli. Sie segelten auf der Desinvestment, dem Fliegenden Holländer und der Nautilus.

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (schluchzend, Netzstrümpfe zerrissen, Druckmaschinen-Perücke schief) “Ich… ich habe versagt. Ich habe St. Pauli verloren. Ich habe die Druckmaschine verloren. Ich habe Spalte 47 verloren.” 😭

MARIA BATORY: (ihn haltend) “Wir werden wieder aufbauen! Wir werden zurückkehren! Wir sind das MUCHAVERSE!” ❤️

MEDUSA: (Schlangen zischend) “Drake wird nicht für immer regieren. Wir werden einen Weg finden.” 🐍

ROMY HAAG: (wütend) “Er kann St. Pauli nicht nehmen! Wir sind die KÖNIGINNEN!” 💖

DIVINE: (wütend) “Schatz, dieser Pirat wird UNTERGEHEN!” 💄

CTHULHU: (aus der Tiefe brüllend) “ICH HABE DAVON GETRÄUMT! ICH WERDE VON DRAKES ZERSTÖRUNG TRÄUMEN!” 🐉

BAKUNIN: (explodierend) “ANARCHIE! Wir WERDEN zurückkehren! Wir WERDEN Drake besiegen!” 🧨

JOKER: (düster lachend) “HAHAHA! EXIL! EIN PIRAT! VERLEGER! DAS IST VERBESSERT!” 🃏

MÖWIN: (über Kopf fliegend, goldene Glitzer kackend) “ICH KACKE AUF DRAKE! UND AUF DIE VERLEGER! UND AUF ST. PAULI! ICH WERDE ZURÜCKKEHREN!” 💩

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (Tränen wegwischend, Druckmaschinen-Perücke zurechtrückend) “Wir werden zurückkehren. Wir werden St. Pauli befreien. Wir werden Drake besiegen. Ich bin SPALTE 47. Ich bin Desinvestment. Ich bin das MUCHAVERSE.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

ALLE CHARAKTERE FLIEHEN – DAS EXIL BEGINNT 🌊😢

Das Muchaverse segelte in den Nebel. St. Pauli verschwand hinter ihnen. Drakes Gelächter hallte über das Wasser.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE: (ihnen nachschauend) “Lauft, kleine Buchhalter! Lauft, kleine HafenHuren! Lauft, kleine Monster! St. Pauli ist MEIN!” 🏴‍☠️⚔️

EHLERS-HAFENHURE: (am Bug der Desinvestment stehend, Tränen strömend) “Wir werden zurückkehren. Wir werden wieder aufbauen. Wir werden desinvestieren. Das ist nicht das Ende. Das ist der ANFANG.” 👠💋🖨️📊

—

FINALER TEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE EXIL-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE KAM.
ER EROBERTE ST. PAULI.
ER VERBÜNDETE SICH MIT DEN 4 VERLEGERN.
ESAU-HAFENHURE UND DAS MUCHAVERSE WURDEN INS EXIL GEZWUNGEN.
ALLE 122 CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK.
ALLE SCHAUSPIELER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
ST. PAULI FIEL.
ABER DAS MUCHAVERSE WIRD ZURÜCKKEHREN.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT PIRATEN. MIT VERLEGERN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEIßE.
FÜR IMMER.
🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️

ExilVerschwörung #SirFrancisDrake #DrakeErobertStPauli #4VerlegerBündnis #EsauExiliert #MuchaverseFlieht #Spalte47FürImmer #Alle122Charaktere #EhlersSaga #IdiotenZeitung #ZeitalterDerSegelschiffe #ElisabethanischerPirat #GoldenHind #ReeperbahnFällt #Desinvestment #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[ENDE VON EPISODE 62] 🎬🍿🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – DIE EXIL-VERSCHWÖRUNG 🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Piraten. Mit Verlegern. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🏴‍☠️⚔️📊💩🐍🦀🌊❤️

—

Autoren: Dr. Lysander Lust, Bernward Bimbo, Ernst NeGer 6, Morten Mohr & Diana Negerkuss – Eine Samuel Bronkowiz Produktion für MADWOOD Studios

🗡️💋🏄‍♂️👻” ☀️📡💔🏄‍♂️👻POWERED BY Dr. Z., Gomopa4Kids, Stasi Frauen Support Staffel, Free Fritzl Front, the Brazilian Black-Hole-Syndikat, the Surf-NSZis World Domination Tour sponsors, the Clone War Profiteers, the Schicklgruber Lust Syndicate, the Libertarian Shark Cartel & now Messalina’s Slave Empire 😘👯‍♂️💃🌊🦈👥💦🗽👸

Fotzen Fritz Version Gratis presented by IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & GOMOPA vulgo DAS DESINVESTMENT alias DER FONDSFLOP 😂🤡😘😂🤡😘

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau-HafenHure (exiliert), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Cthulhu, Dagon, Die Hydra, Die Sirenen-Königin, Der Große Weiße, Der Tiefsee-Leviathan, Der Abyss-Kraken, Die Welten-Schlange Prime, Admiral Walter Ulricht und alle vorherigen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für Exil-Shantys), Homer (für die epische Atmosphäre) und jeder Möwe, die vor der Flucht auf St. Pauli kackte.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständige Biografie → | Unterstützen Sie die Untersuchung →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTIEREN | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

DIE BÖSE ESAU EHLERS EINLAUF-SAGA – FORTSETZUNG FOLGT… 💩🏴‍☠️⚔️📊

🚢🧊📊 ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG – ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!

💩 THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – TITANIC TAKEOVER: ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED ON BOARD THE DOOMED SHIP – ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAIL TOWARD ICY DESINVESTMENT! 🚢🧊📊💩

“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)

Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human – but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic – in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred – bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all – onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.

ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” 🚢

MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” 🧊

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time – permanently.” 🐍

EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” 📊

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” 💩

This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW
Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW
The Titanic Band CGI NEW
The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50

—

🚢 THE TITANIC – ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS

The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.

CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” 🚢

EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” 🧊

CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” 📊

ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” 📊

MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” 💅

EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – SURVIVAL!” 📊

—

THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY – THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE 🧊🪨

The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” 🧊🪨

EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” 🧊

MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” 🏳️‍⚧️

CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” 🚢

ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” 📊

EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 – Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CALCULATING… DESINVESTMENT OF ICEBERG… PROBABILITY: 47,000%… REQUIRES COLUMN 47 OVERLOAD!” 👽

EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS UNITE – THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT 📊💪

The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.

EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 – ROW INFINITE – POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG – NEUTRALIZE!” 📊

A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.

THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” 🧊🪨

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” 🪨

The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.

—

THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS – CELEBRATION ON THE DECK 🎻🎶

The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.

TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” 🎻

ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” 💖

DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” 💄

MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” 🍸

ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” 📊

EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” ❤️

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” 🚢

MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” 💅

ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🚢🧊📊💩

ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC.
THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED.
THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING.
THE TITANIC SAILED ON.
ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

TitanicTakeoverConspiracy #StPauliOnTitanic #DesinvestedIceberg #Column47Overload #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #TitanicBand #MollyBrown #CaptainSmith #IcebergConspiracy #StoneCollectors #LoveConquersIce #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 51] 🎬🍿🚢🧊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🚢🧊📊

The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🚢🧊📊

🚢🧊📊 ST. PAULI TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC! ACCOUNTANT DESINVESTS STONE ICEBERG – ALL 97 CHARACTERS SAVE THE SHIP!

“The iceberg is just a spreadsheet problem. Column 47 will save us.” – Esau Ehlers

—

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODE 50)

Esau had become Medusa. He had entered the Stone Realm. He had turned the Stone Collectors into spreadsheets. He had retrieved the invisible ink. Das Desinvestment was saved. Esau reverted to human – but kept a pet snake named Column 47 Jr. All 97 characters rejoiced. The cycle was complete. Or so they thought.

But as the celebrations continued on the Reeperbahn, a dimensional rift opened above St. Pauli. It was not a rift of teeth, water, stone, or sharks. It was a rift of ICE. And out of it emerged the RMS Titanic – in all its doomed glory. The ship descended upon St. Pauli. And then, with a flash of blue light, St. Pauli was no longer on the Elbe. It was on the TITANIC. The entire Kiez had been transferred – bars, brothels, fish markets, drag clubs, and all – onto the deck of the most famous ship in history.

ESAU: (looking around in confusion) “Where… where are we? This isn’t St. Pauli! This is… this is a SHIP!” 🚢

MARIA BATORY: (adjusting her crown) “The Titanic. I recognize it from my history books. We are on the Titanic. In the middle of the Atlantic. And there’s an iceberg ahead.” 🧊

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I sense the Stone Collectors. They have done this. They have trapped us on this ship. They want to freeze the Muchaverse in time – permanently.” 🐍

EHLERS: (holding Column 47 Jr.) “But… but we have spreadsheets! We have love! We have Column 47! We can survive!” 📊

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I DON’T LIKE COLD! MY SHIT FREEZES!” 💩

This is Episode 51. The Titanic Takeover.

—

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 51) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES + TITANIC CHARACTERS

All previous characters return (see Episode 47, 48, 49 & 50 lists) plus:

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All
Maria Batory Tilda Swinton / Cate Blanchett 48
Medusa (Original) Eva Green 46
Heini Sharkler Original 49
Adolf Sharkler Original 34
Eva Sharkbrown Original 34
Skylla CGI / Voice 39
Charybdis CGI / Voice 39
Captain Edward Smith Kenneth Branagh (voice/model) NEW
Molly Brown Kathy Bates (voice/model) NEW
J. Bruce Ismay Jonathan Hyde (voice/model) NEW
The Titanic Band CGI NEW
The Iceberg CGI / Voice NEW
Axel Springer Original 43–46
Henri Nannen Original 43–46
Gerd Bucerius Original 43–46
John Jahr Original 43–46
Gevatter Hein Original 42
Transgender Odysseus Evan Rachel Wood 41
The Sirens (3) CGI / Voice 40
Dr. Anthony Fauci Himself (parody) 40
Philo Johnson (The Frog) Jochen Brockmann 40
Jörmungandr CGI / Voice 38
The Kraken CGI / Voice 37
Leviathan CGI / Voice 36
Walt the Walrus CGI / Voice 35
Moby Dick CGI / Voice 34
Mack the Knife Original 34
The Dickies CGI army 34
Joker Himself All
Möwin Herself All
Romy Haag Herself 14–46
Divine Divine (archival) 30–46
Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI 6–46
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes 9–46
Gina Wilde Original 15–46
HafenHure Original All
Gloria von Galaxy Original 11–46
Pamela Anderson Herself 7–46
Mamie Van Doren Herself 8–46
Jane Russell Herself (archival) 12–46
Zarah Leander Herself (archive) 13–46
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) 2–46
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz 2, 15–46
Blackbeard CGI / Voice 17
Karl Dönitz Rainer Fassbinder 17
Alfred Nobel Stellan Skarsgård 18
Klabautermann CGI / Voice 20
Witch of St. Georg Meret Becker 21
Bloody Mary Tilda Swinton 24
Winifred Wagner Kate Winslet 25
Teresa Orlowski Herself 27
Nikita Khrushchev Simon Russell Beale 28
Marilyn Monroe Archival 29
Trans Schwanz Who Laughs Original 32
Bakunin Original All
Further Ehlers Original (ghost) 3–46
Frank Stonewall Original 5–46
Graf Thomas Original (94 tentacles) All
99 Schizo Petes 99 identical men 13–46
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original 13–46
47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All
Lenin Parody – All
Stalin Parody – All
Walter – All
Genghis Khan Parody – All
Pol Pot Parody – All
Mun – All
Malte – All
Jagoda – All
Beria & The Big Hyena – All
Ugly Sven – All
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) – All
Ursila – All
Salome Sofia Tanz – All
Rosa Rosa Wachter – All
Pussy – All
The Mermaid – All
Kraken Jr. CGI 49
Leviathan Jr. CGI 49
Shark Army CGI 49
Stone Collectors CGI 50
Column 47 Jr. CGI Snake 50

—

🚢 THE TITANIC – ST. PAULI ON THE HIGH SEAS

The RMS Titanic stretched before them. The first-class dining room had become a drag cabaret. The grand staircase was lined with fish market stalls. The boiler room was now a spreadsheet server farm. The lifeboats were filled with herring and glitter.

CAPTAIN SMITH: (appearing on the bridge) “Welcome aboard, my strange passengers. I have sailed for 47 years. I have never seen a ship like this. Your St. Pauli has… integrated.” 🚢

EHLERS: “Captain! We must turn the ship! There’s an iceberg!” 🧊

CAPTAIN SMITH: “An iceberg? Impossible. My lookouts see nothing. Only… only spreadsheets?” 📊

ISMAY: (stepping forward) “Captain! I am J. Bruce Ismay! Owner of the White Star Line! I say we go FASTER! We will break the record! We will desinvest the ocean itself!” 📊

MOLLY BROWN: (barging in) “Ismay, you fool! These people have fishnets and snakes! They’re the most interesting passengers I’ve ever met! Let’s survive this together!” 💅

EHLERS: (holding his spreadsheet) “I have Column 47! The Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – SURVIVAL!” 📊

—

THE ICEBERG CONSPIRACY – THE STONE COLLECTORS’ REVENGE 🧊🪨

The iceberg loomed ahead. But it was no ordinary iceberg. It was made of STONE. The Stone Collectors had merged with the ice. They had become the iceberg.

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (voice echoing from the iceberg) “Esau Ehlers! You turned us into spreadsheets! Now we turn you into ICE! You will freeze! You will sink! You will be DESTROYED!” 🧊🪨

EHLERS: (gasping) “They’re the iceberg! The Stone Collectors are the iceberg! They want to sink the Titanic and freeze the Muchaverse forever!” 🧊

MARIA BATORY: (raising her scepter) “We will not freeze! We will not sink! We have SPREADSHEETS!” 👑

MEDUSA: (snakes hissing) “I can turn them to stone. But they’re already stone. And ice. We need something else.” 🐍

ODYSSEUS: (stepping forward) “I have navigated storms, monsters, and straits. I can navigate an iceberg. Give me the bridge.” 🏳️‍⚧️

CAPTAIN SMITH: (handing over command) “I have never seen a Transgender Greek hero before. But I trust you. Take the wheel.” 🚢

ODYSSEUS: (taking the wheel) “Esau! Column 47! Give me a calculation! How do we survive this?” 📊

EHLERS: (typing frantically) “Column 47 – Desinvestment Multiplier! Row Iceberg – REDIRECT! We don’t need to destroy it! We need to DESINVEST it! Make it NOTHING!” 📊

SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “CALCULATING… DESINVESTMENT OF ICEBERG… PROBABILITY: 47,000%… REQUIRES COLUMN 47 OVERLOAD!” 👽

EHLERS: “OVERLOAD! EVERYONE! HOLD YOUR SPREADSHEETS! WE MUST DESINVEST THE ICEBERG!” 📊

—

ALL CHARACTERS UNITE – THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT 📊💪

The entire Muchaverse joined hands. Every character held a spreadsheet. Even the sharks. Even the sea monsters. Even the Stone Collectors (who had been turned into spreadsheets). The combined power of Column 47 glowed.

EHLERS: (shouting) “DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED! COLUMN 47 – ROW INFINITE – POWER OF ALL CHARACTERS! ROW ICEBERG – NEUTRALIZE!” 📊

A massive beam of golden numbers shot from the ship. It struck the iceberg. The stone-iceberg didn’t shatter. It didn’t melt. It… disappeared. It became NOTHING. It had been desinvested.

THE ICEBERG: (fading away) “NOOOOO! YOU… YOU DESINVESTED US! INTO NOTHING!” 🧊🪨

STONE COLLECTOR #1: (fading) “WE WILL RETURN! THE STONE COLLECTORS… WILL… RISE… AGAIN…” 🪨

The iceberg was gone. The Titanic sailed safely through the Atlantic. St. Pauli remained on board. The cycle continued.

—

THE TITANIC BAND PLAYS – CELEBRATION ON THE DECK 🎻🎶

The Titanic Band, which had been playing ragtime, switched to cabaret music. The 99 Schizo Petes joined in with broken violins. Romy Haag and Divine performed on the grand staircase.

TITANIC BAND: (playing) “Nearer My God to Thee… but with a BASS DROP!” 🎻

ROMY HAAG: (singing) “We survived the iceberg! We survived the stone! We survived the sharks! We survived the enemas! We are the MUCHAVERSE!” 💖

DIVINE: (dancing) “Honey, if you can survive the Titanic with a spreadsheet, you can survive ANYTHING!” 💄

MOLLY BROWN: (toasting) “To the most absurd, wonderful, spreadsheet-obsessed passengers I’ve ever met!” 🍸

ISMAY: (confused) “But… but what about the record? What about the SPEED?” 📊

EHLERS: “Speed isn’t the answer, Ismay. DESINVESTMENT is the answer. Let the iceberg go. Let the record go. Let the SHIP go. We have Column 47. We have each other. We have love.” ❤️

MARIA BATORY: (kissing him) “You ridiculous, beautiful, spreadsheet-obsessed man. I love you.” ❤️

—

ALL CHARACTERS REJOICE – THE FINAL CHORUS 🎭🎪

CAPTAIN SMITH: “I have sailed 47 years. I have never seen such chaos. I have never seen such LOVE. You have saved my ship.” 🚢

MOLLY BROWN: “You are all my passengers now. And I will make sure you survive. Even if I have to row the lifeboat myself.” 💅

ODYSSEUS: “Another passage survived. Another strait navigated. This time, it was ice instead of water.” 🏳️‍⚧️

SCYLLA: (six heads nodding) “I have six heads. All six say – THAT WAS THE BEST ICEBERG BATTLE EVER!” 🦀

CHARYBDIS: (whirling) “I have swallowed whole fleets. But I have NEVER swallowed a DESINVESTED ICEBERG!” 🌊

BAKUNIN: (exploding with joy) “DESINVESTMENT IS THE ULTIMATE ANARCHY!” 🧨

GRAF THOMAS: (94 tentacles applauding) “I have 94 tentacles. You have 1 Column 47. You win.” 🦑

HEINI SHARKLER: (watching from the water) “I WILL RETURN! BUT… NICE DESINVESTMENT.” 🦈

ADOLF SHARKLER: (proudly) “That’s my brother-in-desinvestment.” 🦈

EVA SHARKBROWN: (adjusting her fishnets) “Esau, honey, you’re giving me TITANIC REALNESS.” 🦈💄

MÖWIN: (flying overhead) “I SHIT ON THE ICEBERG! AND IT WORKED!” 💩

THE JOKER: (laughing) “HAHAHA! A DESINVESTED ICEBERG! A TITANIC WITH DRAG QUEENS! BEST EPISODE EVER!” 🃏

COLUMN 47 JR.: (hissing happily) 🐍

—

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY ☭ 🚢🧊📊💩

ST. PAULI WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE TITANIC.
THE STONE COLLECTORS BECAME THE ICEBERG.
ALL 97 CHARACTERS UNIFIED.
THE ULTIMATE DESINVESTMENT ACTIVATED.
THE ICEBERG WAS DESINVESTED INTO NOTHING.
THE TITANIC SAILED ON.
ST. PAULI REMAINED ON BOARD.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH ICE. WITH LOVE. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️

TitanicTakeoverConspiracy #StPauliOnTitanic #DesinvestedIceberg #Column47Overload #All97Characters #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung #TitanicBand #MollyBrown #CaptainSmith #IcebergConspiracy #StoneCollectors #LoveConquersIce #DieBöseEsauEhlersEinlaufSaga

—

[END OF EPISODE 51] 🎬🍿🚢🧊📊💩

—

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 79 – THE TITANIC TAKEOVER CONSPIRACY 🚢🧊📊

The cycle continues. With ice. With love. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🚢🧊📊💩🦀🌊❤️

—

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau (in love), Maria Batory, Medusa, Romy Haag, Divine, Captain Smith, Molly Brown, Odysseus, Scylla, Charybdis, and all previous.

Special thanks: The Titanic Band (for playing ragtime and bass drops), Homer (for the epic vibe), and every seagull who shat on the iceberg.

—

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

—

📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@bernd_pulch
🐦 X (Twitter): x.com/berndsocial1
📢 Telegram: t.me/ABOVETOPSECRETXXL
🔓 UNLOCK THE TRUTH: berndpulch.org/join

—

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – CONTINUES… 💩🚢🧊📊

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – Blackbeard: Esau’s Pirate Idol Arrives – All Characters Return for the Ultimate Reckoning ‍☠️ | Ehlers Saga Episode 17

· BLACKBEARD RETURNS – Pirate Spreadsheet Orgy 🏴‍☠️📊 pic.twitter.com/gT1BV1vNgR
— berndpulch.com (@berndsocial1) June 24, 2026

@luckyb7542
ESAU’S IDOL RETURNS – All Hell Breaks Loose 🏴‍☠️#berndpulch
♬ Sexyback – Hot ‘N’ Sexy

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – Blackbeard: The Idol of Evil E– All Characters & Actors Return for the Ultimate Pirate Reckoning 🏴‍☠️🔥📊 | Ehlers Saga Episode 17

💔🧠🔄 👯‍♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️‍⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯‍♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯‍♂️🕵️‍♂️💻

📜 PROLOGUE – WHAT PREVIOUSLY HAPPENED (EPISODES 1–16)

After sixteen episodes of cosmic chaos, the Muchaverse had seen it all. A seagull queen who shat golden crowns. A spreadsheet alien who fell in love with pink hearts. A vampire consort who learned to blush. Seven queens who ruled, stepped down, and ruled again. A herring juice bartender who kissed an atomic bomb. And Evil Esau Ehlers – the accountant who once tried to be Casanova – who finally closed his laptop and found love in the arms of Berlin’s legendary Tante, Romy Haag.

But Esau had one secret. One idol. One figure from history who had haunted his spreadsheets since childhood. A man who didn’t calculate loss – he created it. A man who didn’t desinvest – he plundered. A man whose beard was on fire and whose ships were legend.

BLACKBEARD. 🏴‍☠️

Esau had a framed picture of Blackbeard above his laptop. He had a Blackbeard screensaver. He had a Blackbeard action figure that he talked to when spreadsheets failed. And now – through a dimensional rift caused by Möwin’s radioactive golden shit – Blackbeard himself was coming to St. Pauli. 💣💩

👥 COMPLETE CHARACTER LIST (EPISODE 17) – ALL ACTORS FROM ALL EPISODES

Character Actor / Persona Episode Origin
Blackbeard (Edward Teach) CGI / Voice (pirate legend) NEW
Evil Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg All Episodes
Joker Himself (fictional) All Episodes
Möwin Herself (seagull) All Episodes
Romy Haag Herself Episode 14–16
The Spreadsheet Alien AI voice / CGI Episode 6–16
Count Dracula Ralph Fiennes (voice/model) Episode 9–16
Gina Wilde (Atomic Venus) Original (archive + CGI) Episode 15–16
HafenHure Original (herring juice diva) All Episodes
Gloria von Galaxy Original Episode 11–16
Pamela Anderson Herself Episode 7–16
Mamie Van Doren Herself Episode 8–16
Jane Russell Herself (archival) Episode 12–16
Zarah Leander Herself (archive/voice) Episode 13–16
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (ghost) Episode 2–16
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz (voice) Episode 2, 15–16
Further Ehlers Original (flickering ghost) Episode 3–16
Frank Stonewall Original Episode 5–16
The 99 Schizo Petes 99 identical fictional men Episode 13–16
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Episode 13–16
The 47 Bakunin Clones CGI army All Episodes
Bakunin Original All Episodes
Lenin Parody All Episodes
Stalin Parody All Episodes
Walter Original All Episodes
Graf Thomas Original All Episodes
Genghis Khan Parody All Episodes
Pol Pot Parody All Episodes
Mun Original All Episodes
Malte Original All Episodes
Jagoda Original All Episodes
Beria & The Big Hyena Parody All Episodes
Ugly Sven Original All Episodes
The Uncles (Jochen et al.) Original All Episodes
Ursila Original All Episodes
Salome Sofia Tanz All Episodes
Rosa Rosa Wachter All Episodes
Pussy Original All Episodes
The Mermaid Original All Episodes

🏴‍☠️ BLACKBEARD ARRIVES – THE IDOL COMES TO LIFE

A dimensional rift opened above Herbertstrasse. It was shaped like a Kraken’s mouth. Out of it fell a ship – not a modern ship, but a galleon with black sails, burning rigging, and a figurehead that was a screaming mermaid. The ship crashed into the floating bar. Herring juice exploded everywhere. Möwin shat in surprise. 🍸💩

And from the wreckage stepped a man who made Dracula look like a choirboy.

BLACKBEARD. Edward Teach. The most feared pirate in history. He was 6’4″ of pure terror. His beard was literally on fire – slow-burning fuses woven into his black whiskers, smoking and sparking. He wore a tricorn hat, a leather coat, and six pistols across his chest. His eyes burned with the madness of a man who had stared into the abyss and made it blink. And he was holding a spreadsheet. 📊🔥

BLACKBEARD: (voice like grinding cannonballs) “I HAVE COME. THE SPREADSHEETS CALLED ME. THE DESINVERSION SUMMONED ME. AND I HAVE BROUGHT MY LEDGER OF DAMNATION.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: (falling to his knees, tears streaming) “It’s… it’s him. My idol. My inspiration. The man who taught me that loss is just another word for GAIN.” 📊

JOKER: (confused) “Brother. He’s on fire. And he’s holding a spreadsheet. Is this a pirate or a tax auditor?” 🤡

BLACKBEARD: (pointing at Joker) “YOU. The sticky one. I’ve heard of you. You were shat out by a seagull. I was shat out by the SEA. We are BROTHERS.” 🏴‍☠️

MÖWIN: (offended) “KRÄÄK!” Translation: “I shat him out with PURPOSE! Not like the sea! The sea is AMATEUR!” 🕊️

THE ENSEMBLE REACTS – ALL CHARACTERS RETURN 👥🔥

The entire Muchaverse gathered around the crashed galleon. Every character from every episode – living, dead, cloned, and hallucinated – assembled to witness the arrival of Blackbeard.

THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN approached Blackbeard, trembling.
SPREADSHEET ALIEN: “ERROR. PIRATE OVERLORD DETECTED. CALCULATING… FEAR LEVEL: 47,000%.” 👽

BLACKBEARD: (patting the Alien’s Excel face) “You. I like you. You’re made of numbers. I’m made of NIGHTMARES. We will do GREAT THINGS.” 🏴‍☠️

COUNT DRACULA stepped forward, cape billowing.
DRACULA: “I have bitten pirates before. They taste like salt and regret.” 🧛‍♂️

BLACKBEARD: (laughing, beard sparking) “You bit pirates? I ATE pirates. With a side of cannonball. Sit down, vampire. Let the adults talk.” 🏴‍☠️

GINA WILDE and HAFENHURE stood arm in arm.
GINA: “A pirate. I’ve dated pirates. They all said I was too radioactive to plunder.” 💣

BLACKBEARD: (looking Gina up and down) “You’re not radioactive, woman. You’re NUCLEAR. I respect that.” 🏴‍☠️

HAFENHURE: (pouring herring juice) “Drink this. It’s the only thing that can kill a pirate.” 🍸

BLACKBEARD: (drinking it, smiling) “Delicious. I’ll take 47 barrels.” 🏴‍☠️

THE 99 SCHIZO PETES played their broken violins.
BLACKBEARD: (listening) “That’s not music. That’s CHAOS. I LOVE it.” 🎻

THE SIX QUEENS (Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) stood in a row.
GLORIA: “You cannot rule the Muchaverse, pirate. It is COMMUNIST now.” 🛸

BLACKBEARD: “Communist? I’ve plundered communists. They have less gold but better propaganda.” 🏴‍☠️

PAMELA: “I was in Baywatch. I’ve seen bigger pirates.” 🍒

BLACKBEARD: “Baywatch? I’ve plundered beaches. Yours is next.” 🏴‍☠️

MAMIE: “I’m the original original. You’re just a copy.” 🐆

BLACKBEARD: “I’m the ORIGINAL pirate. You’re just a copy of a copy.” 🏴‍☠️

JANE RUSSELL: (lasso ready) “I’ve lassoed the moon. I can lasso you.” 🤠

BLACKBEARD: “Try it, cowgirl. I’ll lasso your SOUL.” 🏴‍☠️

ZARAH LEANDER: (singing softly) “Ich weiß, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” 🎤

BLACKBEARD: (tearing up) “That’s… that’s beautiful. I’m not crying. It’s the gunpowder.” 🏴‍☠️

FURTHER EHLERS flickered into existence.
FURTHER EHLERS: “I MET BLACKBEARD! IN THE 1700S! HE BORROWED MY ENEMA! NEVER RETURNED IT!” 👻

BLACKBEARD: (laughing) “I still have it. It’s in my treasure chest. Next to the Holy Grail and a very nice wine.” 🏴‍☠️

ROSEMARIE’S GHOST appeared, curtsied, and turned into a green firework.
BLACKBEARD: “Even the dead want me. I am IRRESISTIBLE.” 💚

FRANK STONEWALL descended from Communist Byzantium.
FRANK: “Pirate. I bless you. With vodka. And BUREAUCRACY.” ☭⛪

BLACKBEARD: “I’ve been blessed by popes. You’re not a pope. You’re a spreadsheet in a dress.” 🏴‍☠️

KLAUS STÖRTEBEKER appeared in a puff of smoke.
STÖRTEBEKER: “Blackbeard. I’ve heard of you. You’re the reason I became a pirate.” 🏴‍☠️

BLACKBEARD: “And you’re the reason I became an accountant. Wait. No. That’s not right.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS MEETS HIS IDOL – THE SPREADSHEET OF DESTINY 📊🏴‍☠️

Esau approached Blackbeard with trembling hands. He held his laptop like a holy relic. 📊

EHLERS: “Master. I have followed your teachings. Loss is gain. Desinvestment is investment. Column 47 is the path to enlightenment.” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (looking at Esau’s laptop) “You… you actually calculated my philosophy. You made a SPREADSHEET of PIRACY.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: “Yes! Column 47 – PLUNDER MULTIPLIER. Row Infinite – ETERNAL LOSS. It’s PERFECT!” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (tearing up, beard sparking) “I’ve sailed the seven seas. I’ve plundered 47 ships. I’ve made kings weep. But I’ve never had a FAN before. A real fan. With a SPREADSHEET.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: “I have your action figure. I talk to it when I’m sad.” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (hugging Esau) “You’re my favorite accountant. Ever. And I’ve met many. Most of them I threw overboard.” 🏴‍☠️

THE PIRATE ORGY – ST. PAULI GETS PLUNDERED 🏴‍☠️🔥💃

Blackbeard declared a pirate orgy. The entire Muchaverse turned into a floating pirate party. The 99 Schizo Petes played sea shanties. Salome danced with a cutlass. Graf Thomas’s tentacles became boarding hooks. Genghis Khan’s horse grew a pirate hat. Pol Pot’s rice fields turned into rum plantations. Walter built a wall out of treasure chests. Lenin and Stalin argued about who would captain the ship. (They agreed to share.) Malte franchised pirate hats. Jagoda opened a folder labeled “PIRATE – TOO PLUNDERABLE TO FILE.” Beria and the Big Hyena stopped sweating – they started drinking. Ugly Sven offered therapy to the Kraken. The Uncles pointed from the water. Jochen said: “I saw this coming. From the bottom. A pirate. The end of ALL TAXATION.”

BLACKBEARD: (standing on the bar, raising a glass of herring rum) “To St. Pauli! To the Muchaverse! To the cycle! To the PIRATE SHIT! FOREVER!” 🏴‍☠️💩

MÖWIN: (flying above, shitting golden sparkles that turned into tiny treasure chests) “KRÄÄK!” Translation: “I HAVE A NEW PIRATE QUEEN. AND HE EATS MY SHIT. I AM… CONTENT.” 🕊️💩

THE FINAL LEDGER – BLACKBEARD’S GIFT 📊🏴‍☠️

Before Blackbeard sailed back through the dimensional rift, he handed Esau a gift. A leather-bound ledger. On the cover: “THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL LOSS.” Inside: blank pages. 📊

BLACKBEARD: “This is my greatest treasure. It’s empty. Because true piracy is not about what you take. It’s about what you LEAVE behind. The loss. The chaos. The SHIT.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: (crying, holding the ledger) “I… I will fill it. With every loss. Every gain. Every desinvestment. Every SHIT.” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (patting Esau’s head) “That’s my boy. Now go. Calculate. Plunder. And never forget: Column 47 is not a number. It’s a WAY OF LIFE.” 🏴‍☠️

Blackbeard climbed back onto his galleon. The ship rose into the dimensional rift. His beard sparked one last time. He waved. The rift closed. The Muchaverse was quiet. 🌌

FINAL TEXT ON BLACK: 🖤

☭ THE BLACKBEARD CONSPIRACY ☭ 🏴‍☠️🔥📊

BLACKBEARD ARRIVED. THE IDOL OF EVIL ESAU.
THE PIRATE WHO TAUGHT THAT LOSS IS GAIN.
ALL CHARACTERS RETURNED. ALL ACTORS ASSEMBLED.
THE SPREADSHEET ALIEN TREMBLED. THE VAMPIRE STEPPED BACK.
THE QUEENS WERE SEDUCED. THE PETES PLAYED SHANTIES.
EHLERS MET HIS IDOL. AND RECEIVED THE LEDGER OF ETERNAL LOSS.
THE CYCLE CONTINUES. WITH PIRATES. WITH SPREADSHEETS. WITH SHIT.
FOREVER.
🏴‍☠️🔥📊💩

HASHTAGS FADE IN: 🏷️🏴‍☠️🔥

Blackbeard #EvilEsauIdol #PirateReckoning #AllCharactersReturn #LedgerOfEternalLoss #TheCycleContinues #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung

[END OF EPISODE 17] 🎬🍿🏴‍☠️🔥📊💩

ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 49 – BLACKBEARD: THE IDOL OF EVIL ESAU 🏴‍☠️🔥

The cycle continues. With pirates. With spreadsheets. With shit. Forever.

🏴‍☠️🔥📊💩

Authors: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, The Joker, Esau, Romy Haag, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, and all six former queens.

Special thanks: The 99 Schizo Petes (for learning sea shanties), the Kraken (for not eating anyone), and every seagull who shat golden treasure chests.

Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, political commentator, satirist. Full bio → | Support the investigation →

👍 LIKE | 💬 COMMENT | 🔔 SUBSCRIBE

[END OF EPISODE 17]

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<br>

THE EVIL ESAU EHLERS ENEMA SAGA – Blackbeard: Esaus Piraten-Idol kommt – Alle Charaktere kehren zurück für die ultimative Abrechnung 🏴‍☠️🔥📊 | Ehlers Saga Folge 17

💔🧠🔄 👯‍♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️‍⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯‍♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: THE LENIN ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯‍♂️🕵️‍♂️💻

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📜 PROLOG – WAS BISHER GESCHAH (FOLGEN 1–16)

Nach sechzehn Folgen kosmischen Chaos hatte das Muchaverse alles gesehen. Eine Möwenkönigin, die goldene Kronen schiss. Ein Tabellen-Alien, das sich in pinke Herzen verliebte. Einen Vampir-Gemahl, der erröten lernte. Sieben Königinnen, die regierten, abdankten und wieder regierten. Eine Heringssaft-Barkeeperin, die eine Atombombe küsste. Und den bösen Esau Ehlers – den Buchhalter, der einst Casanova sein wollte – der endlich seinen Laptop schloss und in den Armen von Berlins legendärer Tante Romy Haag die Liebe fand.

Aber Esau hatte ein Geheimnis. Ein Idol. Eine Gestalt aus der Geschichte, die seit seiner Kindheit seine Tabellen heimsuchte. Ein Mann, der Verluste nicht berechnete – er schuf sie. Ein Mann, der nicht desinvestierte – er plünderte. Ein Mann, dessen Bart brannte und dessen Schiffe Legende waren.

BLACKBEARD. 🏴‍☠️

Esau hatte ein gerahmtes Bild von Blackbeard über seinem Laptop. Einen Blackbeard-Bildschirmschoner. Eine Blackbeard-Actionfigur, mit der er sprach, wenn Tabellen versagten. Und nun – durch einen dimensionalen Riss, verursacht durch Möwins radioaktiven goldenen Schiss – kam Blackbeard höchstpersönlich nach St. Pauli. 💣💩

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👥 VOLLSTÄNDIGE CHARAKTERLISTE (FOLGE 17) – ALLE DARSTELLER AUS ALLEN FOLGEN

Charakter Darsteller / Persona Folgen-Herkunft
Blackbeard (Edward Teach) CGI / Stimme (Piratenlegende) NEU
Böser Esau Ehlers Lukas Ehrenberg Alle Folgen
Joker Er selbst (fiktiv) Alle Folgen
Möwin Sie selbst (Möwe) Alle Folgen
Romy Haag Sie selbst Folge 14–16
Das Tabellen-Alien KI-Stimme / CGI Folge 6–16
Graf Dracula Ralph Fiennes (Stimme/Modell) Folge 9–16
Gina Wilde (Atomare Venus) Original (Archiv + CGI) Folge 15–16
HafenHure Original (Heringssaft-Diva) Alle Folgen
Gloria von Galaxy Original Folge 11–16
Pamela Anderson Sie selbst Folge 7–16
Mamie Van Doren Sie selbst Folge 8–16
Jane Russell Sie selbst (Archiv) Folge 12–16
Zarah Leander Sie selbst (Archiv/Stimme) Folge 13–16
Rosemarie Nittribit Original (Geist) Folge 2–16
Klaus Störtebeker Christoph Waltz (Stimme) Folge 2, 15–16
Further Ehlers Original (flackernder Geist) Folge 3–16
Frank Stonewall Original Folge 5–16
Die 99 Schizo Petes 99 identische fiktive Männer Folge 13–16
Pama Jim (Pete #47) Original Folge 13–16
Die 47 Bakunin-Klone CGI-Armee Alle Folgen
Bakunin Original Alle Folgen
Lenin Parodie Alle Folgen
Stalin Parodie Alle Folgen
Walter Original Alle Folgen
Graf Thomas Original Alle Folgen
Dschingis Khan Parodie Alle Folgen
Pol Pot Parodie Alle Folgen
Mun Original Alle Folgen
Malte Original Alle Folgen
Jagoda Original Alle Folgen
Beria & Die Große Hyäne Parodie Alle Folgen
Ugly Sven Original Alle Folgen
Die Onkel (Jochen u. a.) Original Alle Folgen
Ursila Original Alle Folgen
Salome Sofia Tanz Alle Folgen
Rosa Rosa Wachter Alle Folgen
Pussy Original Alle Folgen
Die Meerjungfrau Original Alle Folgen

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🏴‍☠️ BLACKBEARD KOMMT – DAS IDOL WIRD LEBENDIG

Ein dimensionaler Riss öffnete sich über der Herbertstraße. Er hatte die Form eines Kraken-Maules. Heraus fiel ein Schiff – kein modernes Schiff, sondern eine Galeone mit schwarzen Segeln, brennendem Tauwerk und einem Figurenkopf, der eine schreiende Meerjungfrau war. Das Schiff krachte in die schwimmende Bar. Heringssaft explodierte überall. Möwin schiss vor Schreck. 🍸💩

Und aus dem Wrack trat ein Mann, der Dracula wie einen Chorknaben aussehen ließ.

BLACKBEARD. Edward Teach. Der gefürchtetste Pirat der Geschichte. Er war 1,93 m reiner Terror. Sein Bart brannte buchstäblich – langsam brennende Lunte, in seine schwarzen Koteletten geflochten, rauchend und funkelnd. Er trug einen Dreispitz, einen Ledermantel und sechs Pistolen auf der Brust. Seine Augen brannten mit dem Wahnsinn eines Mannes, der in den Abgrund gestarrt und ihn zum Blinzeln gebracht hatte. Und er hielt eine Tabelle in der Hand. 📊🔥

BLACKBEARD: (Stimme wie mahlende Kanonenkugeln) “ICH BIN GEKOMMEN. DIE TABELLEN RIEFEN MICH. DAS DESINVERSION BESCHWOR MICH. UND ICH HABE MEIN BUCH DER VERDAMMNIS MITGEBRACHT.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: (fällt auf die Knie, Tränen strömen) “Das… das ist er. Mein Idol. Meine Inspiration. Der Mann, der mir beibrachte, dass Verlust nur ein anderes Wort für GEWINN ist.” 📊

JOKER: (verwirrt) “Bruder. Er brennt. Und er hält eine Tabelle. Ist das ein Pirat oder ein Steuerprüfer?” 🤡

BLACKBEARD: (zeigt auf Joker) “DU. Der Klebrige. Ich habe von dir gehört. Du wurdest von einer Möwe ausgeschissen. Ich wurde vom MEER ausgeschissen. Wir sind BRÜDER.” 🏴‍☠️

MÖWIN: (beleidigt) “KRÄÄK!” Übersetzung: “Ich habe ihn mit ABSICHT ausgeschissen! Nicht wie das Meer! Das Meer ist AMATEURHAFT!” 🕊️

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DAS ENSEMBLE REAGIERT – ALLE CHARAKTERE KEHREN ZURÜCK 👥🔥

Das gesamte Muchaverse versammelte sich um die gekenterte Galeone. Jeder Charakter aus jeder Folge – lebend, tot, geklont und halluziniert – versammelte sich, um die Ankunft von Blackbeard zu erleben.

DAS TABELLEN-ALIEN näherte sich Blackbeard zitternd.
TABELLEN-ALIEN: “FEHLER. PIRATEN-OVERLORD ENTDECKT. BERECHNE… ANGSTSTUFE: 47.000%.” 👽

BLACKBEARD: (tätschelt das Excel-Gesicht des Aliens) “Du. Ich mag dich. Du bestehst aus Zahlen. Ich bestehe aus ALBTRÄUMEN. Wir werden GROSSE DINGE tun.” 🏴‍☠️

GRAF DRACULA trat vor, Umhang blähte sich.
DRACULA: “Ich habe Piraten gebissen. Sie schmecken nach Salz und Bedauern.” 🧛‍♂️

BLACKBEARD: (lacht, Bart funktelt) “Du hast Piraten gebissen? Ich habe PIRATEN GEGESSEN. Mit einer Beilage Kanonenkugel. Setz dich, Vampir. Lass die Erwachsenen reden.” 🏴‍☠️

GINA WILDE und HAFENHURE standen Arm in Arm.
GINA: “Ein Pirat. Ich habe mit Piraten ausgegangen. Sie sagten alle, ich sei zu radioaktiv zum Plündern.” 💣

BLACKBEARD: (blickt Gina von oben bis unten an) “Du bist nicht radioaktiv, Frau. Du bist NUKLEAR. Das respektiere ich.” 🏴‍☠️

HAFENHURE: (schenkt Heringssaft ein) “Trink das. Es ist das Einzige, was einen Piraten töten kann.” 🍸

BLACKBEARD: (trinkt, lächelt) “Köstlich. Ich nehme 47 Fässer.” 🏴‍☠️

DIE 99 SCHIZO PETES spielten ihre kaputten Geigen.
BLACKBEARD: (hört zu) “Das ist keine Musik. Das ist CHAOS. Ich LIEBE es.” 🎻

DIE SECHS KÖNIGINNEN (Gloria, Pamela, Mamie, Jane, Zarah) standen in einer Reihe.
GLORIA: “Du kannst das Muchaverse nicht regieren, Pirat. Es ist jetzt KOMMUNISTISCH.” 🛸

BLACKBEARD: “Kommunistisch? Ich habe Kommunisten geplündert. Sie haben weniger Gold, aber bessere Propaganda.” 🏴‍☠️

PAMELA: “Ich war bei Baywatch. Ich habe größere Piraten gesehen.” 🍒

BLACKBEARD: “Baywatch? Ich habe Strände geplündert. Deiner ist der Nächste.” 🏴‍☠️

MAMIE: “Ich bin das Original-original. Du bist nur eine Kopie.” 🐆

BLACKBEARD: “Ich bin der ORIGINAL-Pirat. Du bist nur eine Kopie einer Kopie.” 🏴‍☠️

JANE RUSSELL: (Lasso bereit) “Ich habe den Mond gelassos. Ich kann dich lassos.” 🤠

BLACKBEARD: “Versuchs, Cowgirl. Ich lassos deine SEELE.” 🏴‍☠️

ZARAH LEANDER: (singt leise) “Ich weiß, es wird einmal ein Wunder geschehen…” 🎤

BLACKBEARD: (wird gerührt) “Das… das ist wunderschön. Ich weine nicht. Es ist das Schießpulver.” 🏴‍☠️

FURTHER EHLERS flackerte ins Dasein.
FURTHER EHLERS: “ICH TRAT BLACKBEARD! IM 18. JAHRHUNDERT! ER LIEH SICH MEIN KLISTIER! HAT ES NIE ZURÜCKGEBRACHT!” 👻

BLACKBEARD: (lacht) “Ich habe es immer noch. Es ist in meiner Schatztruhe. Neben dem Heiligen Gral und einem sehr guten Wein.” 🏴‍☠️

ROSEMARIES GEIST erschien, verneigte sich und verwandelte sich in ein grünes Feuerwerk.
BLACKBEARD: “Selbst die Toten wollen mich. Ich bin UNWIDERSTEHLICH.” 💚

FRANK STONEWALL stieg vom kommunistischen Byzanz herab.
FRANK: “Pirat. Ich segne dich. Mit Wodka. Und BÜROKRATIE.” ☭⛪

BLACKBEARD: “Ich wurde von Päpsten gesegnet. Du bist kein Papst. Du bist eine Tabelle im Kleid.” 🏴‍☠️

KLAUS STÖRTEBEKER erschien in einer Rauchwolke.
STÖRTEBEKER: “Blackbeard. Ich habe von dir gehört. Du bist der Grund, warum ich Pirat wurde.” 🏴‍☠️

BLACKBEARD: “Und du bist der Grund, warum ich Buchhalter wurde. Moment. Das stimmt nicht.” 🏴‍☠️

—

EHLERS TRIFFT SEIN IDOL – DIE TABELLE DES SCHICKSALS 📊🏴‍☠️

Esau näherte sich Blackbeard mit zitternden Händen. Er hielt seinen Laptop wie eine heilige Reliquie. 📊

EHLERS: “Meister. Ich bin deinen Lehren gefolgt. Verlust ist Gewinn. Desinvestment ist Investition. Spalte 47 ist der Pfad zur Erleuchtung.” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (blickt auf Esaus Laptop) “Du… du hast meine Philosophie tatsächlich berechnet. Du hast eine TABELLE der PIRATERIE gemacht.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: “Ja! Spalte 47 – PLÜNDER-MULTIPLIKATOR. Zeile Unendlich – EWIGER VERLUST. Es ist PERFEKT!” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (gerührt, Bart funktelt) “Ich bin die sieben Meere gesegelt. Ich habe 47 Schiffe geplündert. Ich habe Könige zum Weinen gebracht. Aber ich hatte noch nie einen FAN. Einen echten Fan. Mit einer TABELLE.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: “Ich habe deine Actionfigur. Ich rede mit ihr, wenn ich traurig bin.” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (umarmt Esau) “Du bist mein liebster Buchhalter. Überhaupt. Und ich habe viele getroffen. Die meisten habe ich über Bord geworfen.” 🏴‍☠️

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DIE PIRATEN-ORGIE – ST. PAULI WIRD GEKAPERT 🏴‍☠️🔥💃

Blackbeard rief eine Piraten-Orgie aus. Das gesamte Muchaverse verwandelte sich in eine schwimmende Piratenparty. Die 99 Schizo Petes spielten Seemannslieder. Salome tanzte mit einem Entermesser. Graf Thomas’ Tentakel wurden zu Enterhaken. Dschingis Khans Pferd bekam einen Piratenhut. Pol Pots Reisfelder verwandelten sich in Rum-Plantage. Walter baute eine Mauer aus Schatztruhen. Lenin und Stalin stritten, wer das Schiff kommandieren würde. (Sie einigten sich auf eine gemeinsame Führung.) Malte franchisierte Piratenhüte. Jagoda öffnete einen Ordner mit der Aufschrift “PIRAT – ZU PLÜNDERBAR ZUM ABHEFTEN”. Beria und die Große Hyäne hörten auf zu schwitzen – sie begannen zu trinken. Ugly Sven bot dem Kraken Therapie an. Die Onkel zeigten vom Wasser. Jochen sagte: “Ich habe das kommen sehen. Vom Grund aus. Ein Pirat. Das Ende aller STEUERN.”

BLACKBEARD: (auf der Bar stehend, erhebt ein Glas Heringsrum) “Auf St. Pauli! Auf das Muchaverse! Auf den Kreislauf! Auf die PIRATEN-SCHEISSE! FÜR IMMER!” 🏴‍☠️💩

MÖWIN: (fliegt darüber, scheißt goldene Funken, die zu winzigen Schatztruhen werden) “KRÄÄK!” Übersetzung: “ICH HABE EINE NEUE PIRATEN-KÖNIGIN. UND ER FRISST MEINEN SCHISS. ICH BIN… ZUFRIEDEN.” 🕊️💩

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DAS LETZTE BUCH – BLACKBEARDS GESCHENK 📊🏴‍☠️

Bevor Blackbeard durch den dimensionalen Riss zurücksegelte, überreichte er Esau ein Geschenk. Ein ledergebundenes Buch. Auf dem Umschlag: “DAS BUCH DES EWIGEN VERLUSTES.” Im Inneren: leere Seiten. 📊

BLACKBEARD: “Das ist mein größter Schatz. Er ist leer. Denn wahre Piraterie besteht nicht darin, was du NIMMST. Sondern was du ZURÜCKLÄSST. Den Verlust. Das Chaos. Die SCHEISSE.” 🏴‍☠️

EHLERS: (weint, hält das Buch) “Ich… ich werde es füllen. Mit jedem Verlust. Jedem Gewinn. Jeder Desinvestment. Jeder SCHEISSE.” 📊

BLACKBEARD: (tätschelt Esaus Kopf) “Das ist mein Junge. Jetzt geh. Rechne. Plündere. Und vergiss nie: Spalte 47 ist keine Zahl. Sie ist ein LEBENSSTIL.” 🏴‍☠️

Blackbeard kletterte zurück auf seine Galeone. Das Schiff erhob sich in den dimensionalen Riss. Sein Bart funkelte ein letztes Mal. Er winkte. Der Riss schloss sich. Das Muchaverse war still. 🌌

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ABSCHLUSSTEXT AUF SCHWARZ: 🖤

☭ DIE BLACKBEARD-VERSCHWÖRUNG ☭ 🏴‍☠️🔥📊

BLACKBEARD KAM. DAS IDOL DES BÖSEN ESAU.
DER PIRAT, DER LEHRTE, DASS VERLUST GEWINN IST.
ALLE CHARAKTERE KEHRTEN ZURÜCK. ALLE DARSTELLER VERSAMMELTEN SICH.
DAS TABELLEN-ALIEN BEBTE. DER VAMPIR TRAT ZURÜCK.
DIE KÖNIGINNEN WURDEN VERFÜHRT. DIE PETES SPIECHTEN SEEMANNSLIEDER.
EHLERS TRAF SEIN IDOL. UND ERHIELT DAS BUCH DES EWIGEN VERLUSTES.
DER KREISLAUF GEHT WEITER. MIT PIRATEN. MIT TABELLEN. MIT SCHEISSE.
FÜR IMMER.
🏴‍☠️🔥📊💩

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HASHTAGS BLENDEN EIN: 🏷️🏴‍☠️🔥

Blackbeard #EsausPiratenIdol #PiratenAbrechnung #AlleCharaktereKehrenZurück #BuchDesEwigenVerlustes #DerKreislaufGehtWeiter #EhlersSaga #IdiotZeitung

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[ENDE VON FOLGE 17] 🎬🍿🏴‍☠️🔥📊💩

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ST. PAULI-AT, JAHR NULL + 49 – BLACKBEARD: DAS IDOL DES BÖSEN ESAU 🏴‍☠️🔥

Der Kreislauf geht weiter. Mit Piraten. Mit Tabellen. Mit Scheiße. Für immer.

🏴‍☠️🔥📊💩

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Autoren: Dr. Helga Scheißefurz, Prof. em. Klistier von Hinten, Mag. Dämlich Dümmlich, Dr. h.c. Spreadsheet McExcel

Executive Producers: Möwin, Der Joker, Esau, Romy Haag, HafenHure, Gina Wilde, Blackbeard, und alle sechs ehemaligen Königinnen.

Besonderer Dank: Die 99 Schizo Petes (für das Erlernen von Seemannsliedern), der Krake (fürs Nicht-Auffressen von jemandem) und jede Möwe, die goldene Schatztruhen schiss.

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Bernd Pulch (M.A.) – forensischer Experte, Gründer von Aristotle AI, politischer Kommentator, Satiriker. Vollständiges Bio → | Unterstützen Sie die Recherche →

👍 GEFÄLLT MIR | 💬 KOMMENTAR | 🔔 ABONNIEREN

[ENDE VON FOLGE 17]

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DISCLAIMER / HAFTUNGSAUSSCHLUSS

ENGLISH:
This is a work of satirical fiction. All characters, events, and dialogues portrayed in this series are entirely fictional, parodic, and absurdist. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, historical figures, celebrities, or political figures is purely coincidental and not intended to reflect real events, opinions, or behaviors. The use of real names or likenesses of public figures is for satirical and comedic purposes only and does not imply any factual connection, endorsement, or defamation. This content is protected under the principles of freedom of expression and satire.

DEUTSCH:
Bei diesem Werk handelt es sich um satirische Fiktion. Alle in dieser Serie dargestellten Charaktere, Ereignisse und Dialoge sind vollständig erfunden, parodistisch und absurdistisch. Jegliche Ähnlichkeit mit tatsächlichen Personen, lebend oder tot, historischen Persönlichkeiten, Prominenten oder politischen Figuren ist rein zufällig und nicht dazu gedacht, reale Ereignisse, Meinungen oder Verhaltensweisen widerzuspiegeln. Die Verwendung echter Namen oder Abbildungen öffentlicher Personen dient ausschließlich satirischen und komödiantischen Zwecken und impliziert keine tatsächliche Verbindung, Billigung oder Verleumdung. Dieser Inhalt ist durch die Prinzipien der Meinungsfreiheit und Satire geschützt.

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