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“La Grande Muslimification: Or How Europe Accidentally Replaced Croissants with Qur’ans”

By “Charles de Harissa” for Charlie Hebdo
(Satire. Trigger warnings sold separately.)

---

FRANCE: From République to République Islamique

In Paris, baguettes have been declared “haram-adjacent” after the Ministry of Culture announced a new Ramadan-compliant food pyramid, featuring couscous, kebabs, and Macron’s approval ratings—both dry and hard to swallow.

President Macron, now known as Imam-Manu the First, assured the public:
“Laïcité is safe… we just call it Sharia++ now. It’s got encryption and comes with a free hijab!”

Meanwhile, schoolchildren in Marseille now recite the new national motto:
“Liberté, Égalité, Couscous pour Tous.”

---

GERMANY: Allahmagne 2.0

Berlin’s famed Brandenburg Gate was renamed “Bismillah Tor” after a controversial vote by the Bundestag, where half the MPs were too afraid of Twitter backlash to oppose anything with a crescent moon.

Chancellor Scholz—now affectionately known as “The Halal Helmut”—has vowed to fight extremism by “diversifying the burqa supply chain.”

In Hamburg, Oktoberfest is being rebranded as “Halaltoberfest,” with non-alcoholic beer, techno-call-to-prayer, and bratwurst made of soy and guilt.

---

UNITED KINGDOM: The Caliphate of Cambridgeshire

London, or “Londistan” as tabloids now lovingly call it, has gone full Orwell-meets-Mecca. Big Ben now announces prayer times in Urdu, and the British Museum replaced its Egyptian section with a 24-hour Qur’an-reading booth hosted by former Brexit voters doing penance.

King Charles was spotted wearing a kaftan designed by Stella McCartney, and The Crown was renamed The Crescent, now available on BBC iPlayer after wudu.

Piers Morgan spontaneously combusted during a live debate after being asked to “respectfully whisper in Arabic.”

---

EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT: Allahu Ak-Bureaucracy

Brussels has officially launched a new EU Commission called DG-MAH (Directorate-General for Managing Allah Harmoniously). All policy documents now begin with “Inshallah,” and end with “Unless vetoed by Hungary.”

Klaus Schwab proposed a “Great Mosque Reset,” where all cathedrals are converted into eco-friendly minarets powered by Greta Thunberg’s moral outrage.

---

CONCLUSION: PANIC! AT THE SHARIA DISCO

From Dover to Dresden, citizens are reportedly experiencing hallucinations of crescent moons in their coffee foam and halal logos in IKEA assembly manuals.

But fear not. This isn’t Islamization—it’s just late-stage Eurocratic absurdity, identity politics gone haywire, and leaders with the spine of a baguette left out in the rain.

---

Final Thought:

You can’t pray your way out of idiocy, nor legislate your way out of satire. But you can donate to BerndPulch.org before they replace it with a state-funded kebab kiosk.

Support Uncensored Satire Before It’s Halal-Banned!
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Because freedom of expression shouldn’t stop at the border—or the burqa.

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Tags: #CouscousCoup #ImamMacron #Halaltoberfest #LondonistanLOL #CharlieHebdoSatire #WeMockBecauseWeCan

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