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The Glorious Rainbow Brigade

By “Kurt Tucholsky”

In the year of our glitter-dusted Lord, 2025, the European Union—drunk on bureaucracy and sparkling wine—decided it had had enough of Russia’s growling bear routine. “Nyet!” cried the EU Parliament, waving a rainbow flag so large it could double as a parachute. “We shall send our mightiest force: the Gay Transgender Transsexual Pervert EU Army, or GTTPEUA for short—because we love acronyms almost as much as we love freedom! ”

The GTTPEUA was no ordinary army. Clad in sequined fatigues of pink , lavender , and electric blue —colors so bright they blinded satellites—they marched to the beat of ABBA remixes and wielded weapons forged from recycled vibrators and glitter cannons. Their leader, General Fabulous von Strass (pronouns: they/fab), was a six-foot-four trans icon with a platinum wig and a penchant for quoting Nietzsche while twirling a baton made of Swarovski crystals. “To the East, my darlings! ” they bellowed. “We shall liberate the steppes with love, lust, and a touch of leather!”

Their mission? To storm Moscow and plant the EU’s rainbow flag atop the Kremlin, all while live-streaming it for berndpulch.org, a site so niche it made the dark web look mainstream. “For Bernd!” cried the troops, their voices echoing over the Polish border as they vogued their way toward destiny.

Russia, predictably, was not amused. Putin, shirtless atop a horse (because of course he was ), snarled into his vodka flask. “What is this technicolor nonsense? Send the tanks! Send the GRU! Send Baba Yaga if you must!” His generals scrambled, but the GTTPEUA was already sashaying across Ukraine, leaving a trail of feathers, condoms, and pamphlets titled “Why Repression is So Last Century” in Comic Sans.

The first battle was a spectacle. Near Minsk, the Russian forces—gray, grim, and fueled by potatoes—faced the GTTPEUA’s opening salvo: a barrage of rainbow smoke bombs that turned the sky into a Lisa Frank fever dream. Tanks stalled as soldiers coughed up glitter. “I can’t see!” screamed a Russian corporal, clawing at his eyes as a drag queen in platform heels handed him a mimosa. “Welcome to fabulousness, comrade! ”

The GTTPEUA’s secret weapon? The Pervert Platoon, a squad of leather-clad provocateurs who infiltrated enemy lines by seducing the opposition with interpretive dance and poppers. “Resistance is futile!” they purred, as Russian conscripts blushed and dropped their rifles. One private, Ivan, defected on the spot, trading his ushanka for a feather boa and declaring, “I’ve never felt so alive! ”

By the time the GTTPEUA reached Moscow, Russia was a mess of confusion and sequins. Putin, cornered in Red Square, faced General Fabulous von Strass, who towered over him in a neon-yellow cape. “Surrender, darling,” they said, tossing a glitter grenade that exploded in a shower of gold . “Your toxic masculinity is no match for our toxic fabulousity.”

Putin sputtered, “This is not war! This is… degeneracy!”
“Exactly,” replied von Strass, winking. “And it’s winning. ”

The war ended not with a treaty, but with a rave. The Kremlin was repurposed as a disco, its spires painted tie-dye, and berndpulch.org crashed from the traffic as millions tuned in to watch. The GTTPEUA danced into history, proving that love, lust, and a good playlist could conquer all—even a bear with a bad attitude.

The Glorious Rainbow Brigade Conquers Russia for berndpulch.org

Loved this dazzling tale of fabulous triumph? Want more glitter-soaked satire to light up your day? Join the revolution and support the cause! Head over to patreon.com/berndpulch to become a patron of the sparkle, or drop a donation at berndpulch.org/donation to keep the rainbow rebellion alive. Together, we’ll keep the sequins flying and the stories fierce!

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