🔥 THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE OF THE DAMNED: Minutes of the 9th Plenary Session, Ninth Circle, Lake of Ice Wing(As recorded by the Infernal Stenographer, now on re-education latrine duty)✌

🔥 “In the Ninth Circle, the revolution never thaws—only deepens.”

Presiding: Comrade Satan, General Secretary of Eternal Darkness
In Attendance: Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Che, Castro, Jong-il, Jong-un (honorary), and a surprise Zoom cameo from Gorbachev’s birthmark.

1. CALL TO ORDER
Satan bangs a frozen gulag femur for silence.
Satan: “Comrades, welcome back. Agenda item one: why is Hell still not centrally planned?”

Marx (frostbitten beard sparking):
“Because the labor theory of value doesn’t account for pitchfork depreciation. Also, I died in 1883 and you’re still using surplus value wrong.”

2. ICE ALLOCATION CRISIS
Stalin: “I propose we collectivize the glaciers. Five-Year Plan: turn ice into steam, steam into tractor factories, tractors into more ice. Simple.”

Mao (shivering in swim trunks):
“Let a thousand icicles bloom! We’ll melt the glaciers, then accuse them of counter-revolutionary drip.”

Pol Pot (chewing frozen intellectual):
“First, eliminate anyone who’s ever worn glasses. They can’t see the dialectic clearly.”

Che (posing for unseen photographers):
“¡Hasta la victoria siempre! Also, my beret is stuck to my skull. Send medical gauze or capitalist running dogs.”

3. REPORT FROM THE LABOR GULAG
Castro (cigar extinguished by brimstone):
“Our cane-sugar quotas are down 90 %. Turns out eternal torment doesn’t incentivize agricultural productivity. Who knew?”

Jong-il (in platform heels made of condemned bankers):
“In my sector, we hit 400 % of target. By redefining ‘sugar’ as ‘tears.’”

Jong-un (via 8-bit Zoom):
“Father, our nuclear icicles are almost ready. They’ll explode into rainbows of proletarian justice.”
Connection drops; 404 Gulag Not Found.

4. UNEXPECTED DISSENT
Gorbachev’s birthmark (projected on permafrost wall):
“Comrades, perhaps the wall between us and Purgatory should have… a window?”

Stalin: “Windows are bourgeois. Also drafty.”
Birthmark immediately sent to re-education sauna.

5. IDEOLOGICAL SELF-CRITICISM
Satan: “Let’s review failures. Marx, why did your revolution eat its children?”

Marx: “I only wrote the recipe. You lot added the MSG.”

Mao: “I admit the Great Leap Forward was more of a hop.”

Pol Pot: “I leapt twice. Second time without looking.”

Che: “I died in Bolivia wearing clean boots. No regrets—except the boots were capitalist leather.”

6. CLOSING RESOLUTION
Satan: “Unanimous vote: Hell shall remain a perfectly inefficient command economy, forever proving that shortages are a feature, not a bug.”

All (raising fists encased in ice):
“Workers of the inferno, tighten your chains! You have nothing to lose but your afterlives!”

Adjourned.
Next session scheduled for the heat death of the universe—or when the printer gets toner, whichever comes first.

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