“How Three Women Turned the European Union Into a Military-Industrial Dating App (Swipe Right for WW3!)”

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💼 KAIA KALLAS: ESTONIA’S IRON LADY (OF PROFITEERING)

• “From Skype to Strikes”: Who knew the woman who brought you digital governance would pivot so smoothly to digital warfare?
• Her Secret Weapon: Convincing NATO that Estonia—a country with fewer people than Brooklyn—needs more tanks than Germany.
• Latest Venture: “Resilience NFTs”—because nothing says “freedom” like monetizing your citizens’ fear of Putin.
• Signature Move: “The Kallas Kompromat”—accusing anyone who questions her of being a Kremlin bot.

Quote: “Peace is just war that hasn’t been properly monetized yet.”

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✈️ URSULA VON DER LEYEN: THE PHARMACIST TURNED ARMS DEALER

• Career Arc: Doctor → Defense Minister → Pfizer’s Bestie → War Queen of Europe.
• Her Genius Play: “Why choose between Big Pharma and Big Weapons when you can do both?”
• Latest Achievement: Turning the European Commission into a no-bid defense contract marketplace.
• Signature Move: “The Von der Leverage”—pushing Ukraine aid packages like they’re Pfizer boosters (“Take this—it’s good for you, trust me!”).

Quote: “If war is the answer, you’re probably Ursula von der Leyen.”

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🎭 THE EU’S WAR MACHINE: A LOVE STORY

• The Playbook:

1. Step 1: Manufacture a crisis (bonus points if it involves Russia).
2. Step 2: Sanction your own economy (because who needs cheap energy?).
3. Step 3: Rush arms deals (while pretending it’s about “European unity”).
4. Step 4: Blame Putin when inflation hits 20% (never mind the money printers).

• Their Newest Collab: “Tinder for Tanks”—because nothing spices up Brussels bureaucracy like matchmaking arms deals.

Slogan: “Swipe right for democracy… or left for treason!”

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💀 WHY THIS TRIO IS THE PERFECT STORM

1. Kallas: The hype woman—turns every minor border skirmish into WW3 prelude.
2. Von der Leyen: The dealmaker—where diplomacy fails, defense contracts prevail.
3. The EU Bureaucracy: The enabler—because nothing unites Europe like profiting off war.

Final Thought: “The only thing they fear more than Putin is peace—it’s terrible for business.”

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👇 HOW TO ENGAGE WITH THIS MASTERPIECE

• TAG a friend who still thinks the EU is about “peace and unity.”
• COMMENT below: “Which one scares you more—Kallas’ smirk or von der Leyen’s PowerPoints?”
• SHARE if you know at least three defense contractors funding this circus.

🔗 Full Satire + AI Art: BerndPulch.org

#WarProfiteerBarbie #VonDerLeyenArmsDeal #KallasKompromat #EUMilitaryComplex #BerndPulch

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💥 TWITTER/X GOLD

“BREAKING: Kallas & Von der Leyen launch ‘OnlyFans for Sanctions’—exclusive content: How to bankrupt your economy in 10 easy steps!“

👉 Follow @BerndPulch for more leaks from the EU War Lobby.

#DiplomaticDisaster #GirlbossGenocide #GlowUpAndGuns

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📸 INSTAGRAM KILLER POST

[IMAGE]: AI-generated trio as Avengers-meets-Wall Street, holding missiles like handbags.

CAPTION:
“POV: You realize the European Commission is just ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ with more sanctions… and worse suits.”

FIRST COMMENT:
“When they say ‘feminist foreign policy,’ they mean ‘war, but make it pink.’” 💅💣

SECOND COMMENT:
“Tag someone who still thinks Brussels is about ‘cooperation.’“

TAGS:

WarmongerBarbie #SanctionsAndSass #EUTrioInfernale #DefenseContractDiva #BerndPulch

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🎯 WHY THIS PARODY CRUSHES

✅ Sharper than a German budget cut
✅ Funnier than EU ‘strategic autonomy’
✅ Guaranteed to trigger at least three NATO lobbyists

Final Warning: If you’re not laughing, you’re probably on their payroll. 😉

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Why your support matters:
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“They want you scared. We want you LAUGHING—all the way to their downfall.”

👉 Donate today—before they “fact-check” us into oblivion.

#DefundTheWarMachine #SatireIsResistance #BerndPulch

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💀 TWITTER/X VERSION (SHARPER, SHORTER)

“The EU bans free speech slowly. We expose them quickly. Help us stay ahead: berndpulch.org/donation #Unfiltered #BerndPulch”

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📸 INSTAGRAM-FRIENDLY CTA

[Image: AI-generated euro burning with text “YOUR TAXES FUND THIS CLOWN SHOW”]
CAPTION: “They waste your money. We waste their lies. Donate to keep the satire ALIVE: berndpulch.org/donation #FundTheLulz”

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🚨 BONUS URGENCY HACK:
Add this line for time-sensitive campaigns:
“Next EU ‘crisis’ drops in 3…2…1… Will you be ready?”

Pro Tip: Link “Donate” in bio + stories for max conversions.

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