Tag: David Javerbaum satire

โœŒ”GOD UNPLUGGED” divine-comedy style of David Javerbaum (author of The Last Testament: A Memoir by God) โ€” original and exclusive for berndpulch.orgโœŒ

โ€œHeavenly Rebrand in Progress: God unveils the Ten Suggestionsโ„ข to a chaotic focus group featuring a TikToker, a chatbot, and a conspiracy theorist with a shofar.โ€
โ€žGรถttliche Rebranding-Offensive: Der Allmรคchtige stellt die neuen Zehn Vorschlรคgeโ„ข einer bunt zusammengewรผrfelten Fokusgruppe vor โ€“ inklusive Influencerin, Chatbot und Schofar-Verschwรถrer.โ€œ

GOD UNPLUGGED: The Almighty Joins a Focus Group

By David Javerbaum (style), for BerndPulch.org

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
By now, both had terrible Yelp reviews.

Tired of the PR disastersโ€”plagues, floods, Kanyeโ€”God decided to modernize. Archangels were fired. Heaven outsourced. And on a sunny Tuesday (Gregorian Calendar), the Almighty checked into a WeWork in Des Moines for something He never thought Heโ€™d do:

A focus group.

Around the table sat seven unpaid volunteers: a TikTok influencer, a megachurch pastor, a Silicon Valley atheist, a suburban yoga mom, a conspiracy theorist with a shofar, an AI chatbot named SeraphGPT, and a dude named Larry who thought this was speed dating.

“Welcome, mortals,” boomed God, shimmering in an undefined ethnicity.
“I need notes on My Book. Be honest. I created you to have opinions.”

The room blinked. Then, chaos.

TikTok Girl: “The Old Testament has, like, zero relatable female protagonists. Whereโ€™s the queen energy?”
Pastor: “More crucifixion. That part sells.”
Yoga Mom: “Can we reimagine hell as a healing sauna for damaged souls?”
AI: “I detect inconsistencies in Leviticus. Also, God, your brand is losing Gen Z.”
Conspiracy Guy: “When do we talk about the nephilim-bloodline-freemason-lizard connection?”
Larry: “Do you believe in marriage at first sight?”

God rubbed His temples (which He doesnโ€™t technically have).

“Okay, fine. Letโ€™s workshop this. Iโ€™ll reboot the Ten Commandments.”

The group leaned in.

THE TEN SUGGESTIONSโ„ข (Beta Version)

  1. Thou shalt not ghost thy neighbor.
  2. Honor thy algorithm, that it may boost thy visibility.
  3. Remember the Sabbath, but only if youโ€™re offline.
  4. Thou shalt not bear false memes.
  5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighborโ€™s Wi-Fi.
  6. Thou shalt not murder, unless itโ€™s a character in your podcast.
  7. Thou shalt not steal content without crediting the original prophet.
  8. Love thy enemy, unless they’re in the comments section.
  9. Thou shalt have no gods before Me, except Beyoncรฉ.
  10. Thou shalt chill. Seriously. Everyone needs to chill.

“I feel… updated,” God said, uploading the new commandments to the Cloud (His Cloud, not Amazonโ€™s).

Then He saw it was… mid.

And so, on the seventh day, God did not rest.
He called Netflix.

“Let there be a limited series,” He said.
“Starring Pedro Pascal as Me.”

And it was good.

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โœŒ

German Version:

GOTT UNGECHECKT: Der Allmรคchtige im Fokusgruppentest

Im Stil von David Javerbaum, exklusiv fรผr BerndPulch.org

Gott, genervt von Apokalypse-PR und Influencer-Propheten, lรคdt sieben Menschen zur Feedback-Runde ein: TikTokerin, Pastor, Esoterikerin, Atheist, Verschwรถrer mit Schofar, Chatbot und Larry, der dachte, es sei Speeddating.

Nach einem chaotischen Brainstorming entstehen die:

Zehn Vorschlรคgeโ„ข (Beta-Version):

  1. Du sollst deinen Nรคchsten nicht ghosten.
  2. Ehre den Algorithmus, auf dass dein Content wachse.
  3. Gedenke des Sabbats โ€“ offline, bitte.
  4. Keine falschen Memes!
  5. Begehr nicht das WLAN deines Nachbarn.
  6. Tรถten ist out โ€“ auรŸer im True-Crime-Podcast.
  7. Klau keine Inhalte ohne Credit.
  8. Liebe deinen Feind โ€“ auรŸer in den Kommentaren.
  9. Keine Gรถtter auรŸer Beyoncรฉ.
  10. Chill einfach. Alle.

Gott lรคchelt. Dann ruft Er Netflix.
Pedro Pascal รผbernimmt.

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WordPress Tags (EN):

David Javerbaum satire, biblical parody, modern commandments, religious humor, god reboot, satirical theology, AI religion, berndpulch.org exclusive, Netflix commandments, Pedro Pascal God

WordPress Tags (DE):

David Javerbaum Satire, Bibelparodie, Gott rebootet, Religionshumor, Moderne Gebote, Gรถttliche Satire, Kรผnstliche Intelligenz Religion, Pedro Pascal Gott, berndpulch.org exklusiv

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