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💍 ACT 1: THE PROPOSAL

*(Scene: A dystopian Amazon warehouse. Jeff kneels on a *tax-evasion-proof* knee pad.)*

JEFF: *”Will you… optimize my *life algorithm?”
FIANCÉE: *”Only if I get *same-day delivery* on eternal youth.”* 💍🚀

*(Contract appears in *1-Click™* pop-up. She signs with a retina scan.)*

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🎩 ACT 2: WEDDING OF THE CENTURY

*(Location: A *suborbital rocket* hovering conveniently over international waters.)*

GUEST LIST:

• Elon Musk (brought a flamethrower gift)
• Bill Gates (quietly patents the marriage license)
• The Washington Post (assigned positive coverage via algorithm)

VOWS:
*”I promise to *disrupt*… till death *or antitrust lawsuit* do us part.”*

RINGS:

• His: A solid-gold Alexa that whispers union-busting tips
• Hers: A diamond-encrusted panic button (*”For when *the help* talks back”*)

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💰 ACT 3: THE GIFT REGISTRY

*(Guests *required* to donate to Blue Origin… or face account suspensions.)*

TOP GIFTS:

1. A Congressperson (lightly used)
2. One (1) worker’s tear, sustainably harvested
3. The Moon (backordered until 2035)

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🚀 EPILOGUE: HONEYMOON ON PHOBOS

*(Jeff’s *rocket-shaped* ego finally reaches escape velocity.)*

HEADLINE: *”Local Universe *Disrupted* by Infinite Wealth“*

SUBHEAD: *”Divorce proceedings *predicted* by AWS AI… before the ’I dos’.”*

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🎯 WHY THIS LOVE HURTS (IN A GOOD WAY):

✅ Bezos’ robot heart: Exposed
✅ Amazon’s dystopian vibe: Accurate
✅ The 1%’s love language: “Terms and Conditions Apply”

🔗 FULL UNION-BUSTED COVERAGE:
👉 berndpulch.org/bezos-wedding *(Before *Alexa* reports this to HR.)*

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🏷️ TAGS FOR THE ALGORITHMIC OVERLORDS:

BezosWedding #AmazonGothic #BillionaireSatire #SpaceKaren #LateStageRomance #Prime

**⚠️ DISCLAIMER:** *This parody *may* trigger *stock dips*, *yacht purchases*, and *sudden interest in *worker rights**.*

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🟢 Primary Domain: BerndPulch.org – Licensed Intelligence Media
🔄 Mirror Site: GoogleFirst.org – Document Archive
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