The official Website of Bernd Pulch. Since 2009 providing critical insights and political Satire on lawfare, media control, and political reality. Avoid fake sites.
๐ฅ โWhen the ink is molten gold, every signature is a scar and every scar pays interestโforever.โ
๐ THE STORY OF B (โBโ for Bank, Bond, Baselโฆ or Bastard?) A confession dictated through a diamond-dipped fountain pen, exclusively for BerndPulch.org โ Above Top Secret.
๐ 1. The Manor of Liquidity ๐ฆ๐๏ธ
I was nineteen when he laid me, naked, on a carpet of ๐ต $100 bills still warm from the press. ๐ฃ๏ธ ยซ This shall be your only garment now, ยป he whispered, fastening around my throat a collar of 2008 warrants. I shiveredโnot from cold, but from the LIBOR whip biting my skin like frozen barbed wire โก๐.
๐ 2. The Initiations ๐ฉธ๐๏ธ
๐ฅ First Trial โ Spread Eagle They spread-eagled me on the subprime table; I heard the click-click of CDOs tightening around my wrists. Every click = a tranche, every tranche = a compounded climax. When VIX > 40, I screamed; they stuffed a governance gag in my mouth to muffle volatility. ๐คซ๐
๐ง Second Trial โ Repo 105 They bent me into insolvency pose, legs at 105ยฐ, for an overnight repo. ๐ฃ๏ธ Lehmanโs CEO leaned in: ยซ If you close your knees, the market collapses. ยป I swear I saw Moodyโs angels flying overhead, downgrading feathers falling like snow. ๐ผ๐
๐๏ธ 3. The Signing Ceremony ๐๏ธ๐ค
They made me co-sign with a black-gold pen dipped in offshore ink. Each stroke = a sovereignty swap, each dot = a perpetual PEPP. When the ink touched skin, debt grafted onto my DNA ๐งฌ๐ธ. I became living collateral, Tier-1 guarantee on the tomb of nations.
๐ฏ๏ธ 4. The Rothschild Ball ๐ญ๐ฏ๏ธ
In the grand Hall of Banks, mirrors reflected candelabras of bullion. They made me dance, still naked, on a spread-sheet parquet:
Adagio when Bund yields rise ๐ป
Allegro furioso when BTP crashes ๐บ My feet bled on torn โฌ500 notes; they called it the Elitesโ Ballet, I called it the domination equation. ๐๐ฐ
โก 5. Digital Martyr ๐ฅ๏ธ๐
They strapped me to a crypto-trading chair, every candlestick a tear of wax. When Bitcoin kissed 69 k, I cameโthen flash-crashed into the void. An NFT of my orgasm minted in 3 seconds, reserve price: 700 Bn bailout signed by a silk-gloved hand. ๐งค๐ธ
๐ช 6. The Grand Reset ๐ช๐๏ธ
They laid me on the Troika Memorandum, naked of all hope. A black swan tattoo pulsed on my heart, synced to REPO rates. I watched peoples rise, then fall beneath austerity floggers. I understood: I wasnโt the mistress; I was the debt itself โ the O of Origin, the O of Obligation, the O of Orgasmic Fiscal Pain. ๐ฉธ๐
๐ค 7. Epilogue โ Final Signature ๐ค
I signed, one last time, in democracyโs blood, on the blank page of 2029. At the bottom, a single line: ยซ To whom pain profits, debt profits. ยป Then they released me, naked, covered only in the ashes of burned treaties.
And I smiled. Because I knew the story would restart, that other Bs would be born, that other banks would dress them in zeros and tears, until the final liquidation, until the last signature, until the last liquidation.
๐ LโHISTOIRE DE B(ยซ B ยป comme Banque, Bourse, Bรขleโฆ ou Bรขtard ?) Confession dictรฉe au stylo-plume en diamant, exclusive pour BerndPulch.org โ Above Top Secret ๐ถ๏ธ
1๏ธโฃ Le Manoir de la Liquiditรฉ ๐ฆ๐๏ธ
Jโavais dix-neuf ans quand il me coucha, nue, sur un tapis de ๐ต billets de 100 $ encore chauds de la presse. ๐ฃ๏ธ ยซ Ce sera ton seul vรชtement dรฉsormais ยป, souffla-t-il en attachant autour de ma gorge un collier de warrants 2008 ๐ฟ. Je frissonnai โ non de froid, mais du LIBOR qui me mordait la peau comme un fouet glacรฉ โ๏ธ๐.
2๏ธโฃ Les Initiations ๐ฉธ๐๏ธ
๐ฅ Premier essai โ Spread Eagle On mโรฉcarta sur la table des subprimes ; jโentendis le clic-clic des CDO se resserrer autour de mes poignets. Chaque clic = une tranche, chaque tranche = orgasme dโintรฉrรชt composรฉ ๐ฅ. Quand le VIX dรฉpassa 40, je hurlai ; on me fourra un gag de gouvernance pour รฉtouffer la volatilitรฉ ๐คซ๐.
๐ง Deuxiรจme essai โ Repo 105 On me plia en position dโinsolvabilitรฉ, jambes ร 105ยฐ, le temps dโun repo overnight. ๐ฃ๏ธ Le CEO de Lehman se pencha : ยซ Si tu fermes les genoux, le marchรฉ sโeffondre. ยป Je jurai voir les anges de Moody voler au-dessus, plumes de down-grade tombant comme neige ๐ผ๐.
3๏ธโฃ La Cรฉrรฉmonie des Signatures ๐๏ธ๐ค
On me fit co-signer avec un stylo or-noir trempรฉ dans lโencre des paradis fiscaux. Chaque trait = swap de souverainetรฉ, chaque point = PEPP perpรฉtuel. Lโencre toucha ma peau โ la dette se greffa sur mon ADN ๐งฌ๐ธ. Jโรฉtais devenue collateral vivant, garantie T1 sur la tombe des รtats.
4๏ธโฃ Le Bal des Rothschild ๐ฏ๏ธ๐ญ
Dans la salle des Banques, miroirs ternis reflรฉtant candelabres en lingots. On me fit danser, nue, sur spread-sheet parquet :
Adagio quand le Bund monte ๐ป
Allegro furioso quand le BTP chute ๐บ Mes pieds saignaient sur billets de 500 โฌ dรฉchirรฉs ; on appela cela le ballet des รฉlites, moi lโรฉquation de la domination ๐๐ฐ.
5๏ธโฃ Le Martyre Numรฉrique โก๐ฅ๏ธ
On mโattacha ร chaise-trading crypto ; chaque bougie รฉtait larme de cire. Quand Bitcoin frรดla 69 k, je jouis โ puis flash-crash dans le vide. NFT de mon orgasme mintรฉ en 3 s, prix de rรฉserve : 700 Mrd bailout signรฉ main gantรฉe de soie ๐งค๐ธ.
6๏ธโฃ Le Grand Reset ๐ช๐๏ธ
On me coucha sur Mรฉmorandum Troรฏka, nue de tout espoir. Cygne noir tatouรฉ sur cลur battait au rythme REPO rate. Je vis peuples se lever, puis tomber sous austerity floggers. Et je compris : je nโรฉtais pas la maรฎtresse ; jโรฉtais la dette โ lโO dโOrigine, lโO dโObligation, lโO dโOrgasme fiscal ๐ฉธ๐.
7๏ธโฃ รpilogue โ Signature Finale ๐ค
Je signai, une derniรจre fois, dans sang de la dรฉmocratie, sur page blanche 2029. Ligne unique : ยซ ร qui profite la douleur, profite la dette. ยป On me relรขcha, nue, couverte seulement cendre des traitรฉs brรปlรฉs.
Et je souris ๐. Car je savais lโhistoire recommencerait, que dโautres B naรฎtraient, que dโautres banques les habilleraient zรฉros et larmes, jusquโร la derniรจre liquidation, jusquโร la derniรจre signature, jusquโร la derniรจre liquidation ๐ฅ๐
USP: berndpulch.org delivers cutting-edge satire while exposing state secrets, intelligence scandals, and global corruptionโall served with a side of โwhat were they thinking?โ humor, zero censorship, and multi-mirror access for unstoppable truth.
USP: berndpulch.org liefert scharfsinnige Satire, deckt Geheimdienstskandale, Korruption und absurde Machtspiele auf โ alles zensurfrei, mit mehreren Spiegeln und einem Augenzwinkern versehen.
USP: berndpulch.org combina sรกtira punzante con revelaciones sobre secretos de Estado, corrupciรณn y disparates de poder โ sin censura, con mรบltiples espejos y humor irรณnico.
USP : berndpulch.org combine satire acรฉrรฉe et rรฉvรฉlations sur les scandales dโรtat, la corruption et les absurditรฉs du pouvoir โ sans censure, avec plusieurs miroirs et humour noir.
USP: berndpulch.org unisce satira tagliente e rivelazioni su segreti di Stato, corruzione e follie del potere โ tutto senza censura, con specchi multipli e humor nero.
USP: berndpulch.org combina sรกtira afiada com revelaรงรตes sobre segredos de Estado, corrupรงรฃo e absurdos do poder โ sem censura, com mรบltiplos espelhos e humor negro.
๐ฅ โWhen the EU flag lights the scaffold, every volt is a vote and every scream a song.โ
๐บ ABOVE TOP SECRET โ โTHE PAIN FACTORโ Worldโs First Interactive Torture-Talent Show Coming exclusively to BerndPulch.org โ uncut, unbleeped, unhuman.
๐ฌ SHOW FORMAT โ โGLORIOUS AGONYโ 60-Minute Special
Segment
Description
๐ด Opening Number
A choir of waterboarded sopranos sings Ode to Guantanamo in 432 Hz โenhancedโ tuning while electrodes keep tempo.
โ๏ธ The Jury
5 living legends + 2 โwild-cardโ apprentices. Each judge wields a real-time pain-meter tablet that glows red at 9.9/10.
๐ค Musical Guests
Live remix of Stayinโ Alive performed by a kettledrum made from repurposed rib-cages.
๐ก Interactive Twist
Viewers vote via blockchain whip-coins: every micro-payment triggers an extra volt to the contestant of choice.
๐ JURY LINE-UP โ โHall of Hurtโ
Seat
Legend
Signature Move
Catchphrase
1
Dr. โDolorโ Schmidt (ex-Stasi)
Cold-Hot Paradox (ice bath + blowtorch)
โBeweg dich nicht, sonst wirdโs heiร.โ
2
Comrade โVoltโ Volkov (retired GRU)
Bear-Hug Car Battery
โCurrent events, da?โ
3
Lady โScalpelโ Sato (Unit 731 alumna)
Piano-wire acupuncture
โEvery note is a nerve.โ
4
Colonel โCrankโ Rodriguez (School of the Americas)
Stress-Position Samba
โDance or die, amigo.โ
5
Judge โJoltโ Jeong (Seoul black-site)
K-Pop Shock Collar
โDrop the beat, drop the body.โ
6
Wildcard โ AI โDeepHurtโ (OpenTorment-3.5)
Predictive Pain (algorithm forecasts screams)
โI knew youโd squeal at 14:27.โ
7
Wildcard โ Influencer โTikki-Taserโ (2 M followers)
Viral Voltage Challenge
โLike & subscribeโฆ or else.โ
๐ผ MUSICAL SCHEDULE โ โTorture Tonesโ
Time
Act
Instrument of Choice
00:05
Waterboard Waltz
4-part harmony + drip-track metronome
00:17
Rendition-Rap
Beatbox via dental-drill samples
00:29
Gitmo Gospel
Hallelujah chorus sung through respirator tubes
00:41
Encore Electro-Swing
Taser-driven theremin solo
๐ณ๏ธ VOTING MECHANICS โ โPainocracyโ
Whip-Coin (XMR): truly anonymous; every 0.001 XMR = 1 milli-volt.
Golden Buzzer: jury can instantly trigger โLevel 11โ (classified).
Exit Poll: EEG spikes displayed live as bar-chart flames.
๐ EPISODE 1 RUNNING ORDER
Minute
Event
0-3
Cold Open โ drone shot over black-site amphitheater lit in EU-flag blue & yellow.
3-8
Contestant #1: โPiano-wire Picassoโ tries to draw Mona Lisa on his own back while voltage rises.
8-15
Judge Roast: Schmidt mocks Volkovโs โrusty techniqueโ; Volkov retorts with live demo on Schmidt.
15-22
Musical Guest: Barbed-Wire String Quartet plays Fรผr Elise in D-minor pain.
22-30
Viewer Vote: Should we add โBaguette Waterboardingโ? 78 % YES.
30-45
Wildcard Round: AI DeepHurt predicts exact decibel of next scream (ยฑ0.1).
45-50
Sponsor Break: Tesla Shock Collars โ โBecause your dog deserves autonomy too.โ
50-60
Finale โ Simultaneous 27-State Shock synced to Ode-to-Joy. Credits roll over slow-motion tears.
โ๏ธ DISCLAIMER (legally required)
โAll pain is simulated, except where jurisdiction permits enhanced realism. Viewer discretion โ and viewer participation โ advised.โ
๐ CALL TO ACTION
Donโt just watch the collapse โ co-produce it. Send Monero (XMR) to vote, unlock uncut backstage screams, and receive a limited-edition โI Survived Level 11โ NFT โ etched on actual taser foil.
๐ Address: 41yKiG...berndpulch.org/vote ๐ซ Early-bird perk: first 1 000 donors get personalized scream sample minted on-chain.
โIf you felt something, that means weโre still human.โ
(A BerndPulch.org Exclusive โ Where Silicon Valley Meets Space Opera)
๐๐ฅ ELON MUSK: THE TECHNO-MESSIAH’S GREATEST HITS (AND MELTDOWNS) (A BerndPulch.org Exclusive โ Where Silicon Valley Meets Absurdist Theater) ๐ BEHOLD! The AI-Generated Visual Proof of Elonโs Glitchy God Complex โ Featuring: ๐ Tesla Crown (Powered by Overclocked Ego) ๐ง Neuralink Tentacles (Downloading Memes Directly to Your Cortex) ๐ธ Dogecoin Rocket (Fueled by Crypto Brosโ Tears) ๐ฆ Twitter Graveyard (RIP Free Speech, 2022-2023) ๐ค Tesla Bot Army (Programmed to Clap at Bad Jokes) ๐ญ SCENE STEALERS: Zuckโs Metaverse Avatar โ Swordfighting a Tesla Optimus over who owns your face data “Mars or Bust” billboard โ With fine print: “Bust Likely” Hidden Detail โ The Stasi 2.0 logo etched into Cybertruckโs unbreakable (lol) windows ๐ฅ WHY THIS BREAKS THE IN(We accept Dogecoin for copyright violations) ๐ฒ SHARE BEFORE GROK AI CENSORS IT! ๐ Tag a Tech Bro Who Needs Humility ๐ท๏ธ #TechnoClown #MarsOrBust #MuskMeltdown #SiliconSovereign #BerndPulchArt ยฉ BERNDPULCH.ORG “Documenting the collapse of sanity since Altavista was a thing.” “`html
SUPPORT UNCENSORED SATIRE (Before Neuralink auto-deletes your sense of humor) [/cta] “` Pro“Which Elon Alter Ego Are You?” quiz (Results include: “Accidental Billionaire” and “Simulation Escapee”). ๐ฅ “Satirical cyberpunk artwork of Elon Musk as cyborg king launching Dogecoin through storm of Twitter checkmarks, with Mars colony burning and Tesla bots bowing. Hidden Stasi 2.0 references. BerndPulch.org exclusive political tech parody.” ๐จ WARNING: Viewing may cause existential dread or sudden urge to short Tesla stock.
๐ ACT I: BIRTH OF A MEME-MESSIAH
๐ PRETORIA, 1971 โ Emerging from a glitching simulation, baby Elonโs first words werenโt “mama” but “DOGE to the moon ๐๐๐” (later edited out of his official biography by Tesla PR).
Key Milestones:
Age 12: Sold his first startup (“Lemonade Stand 2.0” with NFT receipts)
1995: Invented PayPal just to cancel someoneโs $44B account as practice
2002: Founded SpaceX after NASA “ghosted his DMs”
๐ฅ ACT II: THE TWITTER TAKEOVER (AKA “HOW TO BUY A DIGITAL COLOSSEUM FOR THE LOLZ”)
๐ฆ 2022 โ SAN FRANCISCO Elon storms Twitter HQ carrying a sink ๐ฐ (“let that sink in”), fires the board via Smoke Signal Plusโข, and rebrands it “X” because:
“U” was taken
“ร” broke the servers
“๐ฉ” was “too on-brand”
First Policy Changes: โ Free speech for all (if verified by Teslaโs self-driving AI) โ Banning journalists who mock his memes (classified as “workplace safety hazard”) โ Mandatory hourly tweets from all users (“engagement = new GDP”)
๐ฝ ACT III: MARS OR BUST (BUT FIRST, CHECKMATE, EARTHLOSERS)
๐ 2024 โ SPACEX HQ Elon unveils MarsCoin, a cryptocurrency mined exclusively by depressed Tesla robots.
Colonization FAQ:
Q: Will there be free speech on Mars? A: Only if youโre a verified Blue Tick Martian (subscription: 100 MarsCoins/month)
Q: What if we die? A: Neuralink will upload your cringe tweets to the Mars cloud as a warning
๐ธ ACT IV: HOW TO LOSE $200B & GAIN 100M FOLLOWERS
๐ 2025 โ WALL STREET MELTDOWN After renaming Tesla to “X ร A-12 Motors”, stocks crash faster than a Cybertruck window test. Elonโs response?
Sell flamethrowers to short-sellers (“for warmth during winter”)
๐ฉ๐ช๐ฅ ERIKAS IMPERIUM โ DAS STASIREICH 2.0
Wie Deutschland zum am stรคrksten regulierten รberwachungsspielplatz der Welt wurde… Bis jemand eine Bratwurst grillen wollte! ๐ญ
๐ Erika, the Iron Shadow of STASIREICH 2.0 โ A cinematic glimpse into a dystopian Germany where ex-Stasi elites rule ๐ฉ๐ช๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐ฅ. Surveillance, blackmail, and the Grillverbot spark a people’s revolt. #Stasi #Dystopia #Satire #GermanPolitics #ErikaRegime
๐ซ๐ท L’EMPIRE D’ERIKA โ LE STASIREICH 2.0
Comment l’Allemagne est devenue le terrain de jeu surveillรฉ le plus rรฉglementรฉ au mondeโฆ Jusqu’ร ce que quelqu’un veuille griller une saucisse !
๐ช๐ธ EL IMPERIO DE ERIKA โ STASIREICH 2.0
Cรณmo Alemania se convirtiรณ en el patio de vigilancia mรกs regulado del mundoโฆ ยกHasta que alguien quiso asar una salchicha!
๐ฎ๐น๐ฅ L’IMPERO DI ERIKA โ STASIREICH 2.0
Come la Germania รจ diventata il parco giochi di sorveglianza piรน regolamentato al mondo… Finchรฉ qualcuno non volle grigliare una salsiccia! ๐ญ
๐ฅ
๐ต๐น๐ฅ O IMPรRIO DE ERIKA โ STASIREICH 2.0
Como a Alemanha se tornou o parque de vigilรขncia mais regulado do mundo… Atรฉ alguรฉm querer grelhar uma salsicha! ๐ญ
Germany becomes a mega-Stasi state with 120,000 laws, ex-agents in power, and a Grillverbot that sparks revolution. Satirical deep dive ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฅ๐ตโโ
๏ธ
๐ฉ๐ช๐ฅ ERIKA’S EMPIRE โ DAS STASIREICH 2.0
How Germany Became the Worldโs Most Regulated Surveillance Playground… Until Someone Tried to Grill a Bratwurst ๐ญ
“Imagine East Germany โ now scale it up, give it Wi-Fi, 120,000 regulations, and a vegan ESG ministry.” โ BerndPulch.org Exclusive
๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ WELCOME TO STASIREICH
It began with good intentions โ as all bureaucratic dystopias do. A country once known for sausage, order, and philosophical guilt therapy turned into a vast, humming surveillance hive โ one giant StasiBehรถrde stretching from the Baltic Sea to the Bavarian Alps.
Population: 84 million suspects. Regulations: 120,000, give or take a weekly update. Enforcement Agents: Former Stasi informants, now rebranded as Democracy Managers (DMsโข).
๐ MEET THE SUPREME GENERAL-COMMANDRESS: ERIKA
Once known as Angela Merkel, Erika’s real name is IM Erika, the elusive master strategist of the East German Ministry for State Security. She never resigned. She evolved.
Hobby: Watching western democracies collapse with a side of Kartoffelsalat
Favorite Quote:โThe best surveillance is the one you vote for.โ
She now runs Germany GmbH from her soundproof wine cellar in Brandenburg.
๐งพ THE SACRED BUREAUCRATIC CODE: 120,000 LAWS
Here are some favorites from the โStasi-Bundesgesetzblatt 2025โ:
ยง420a Grillverbot โ Outdoor grilling requires a Level-5 Air Approval from the Ministry of Smoke and Smells
ยง88b Gendergegengutachtenpflicht โ All public speech must be pre-approved by a 17-member panel of inclusion auditors
ยง666 ESG-Karmapunktesystem โ Eating meat reduces your digital citizen score unless offset by sponsoring a Ukrainian drone
ยง999 Maskentragepflicht (Indoor Memories Edition) โ You must wear a mask while remembering the pandemic, for historical safety
Of course, Stasi agents are immune. Erika called them โStaatsschutzbefreite Organismenโ โ organisms above the law.
๐งโ๐ THE STASI DREAM TEAM โ WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
๐ง Wolfgang โKnopfโ Klenz
Former lieutenant of the East German Stasi’s Abteilung XX, now head of the Federal Department of Moral Hygiene. He personally signs off on what Germans are allowed to joke about. He wears four masks โ one literal, three political.
๐ง Sabine โVenusnetzโ Krieger
Master of the โVenus Trapโ operations during the 1980s, now Director of The Ministry of Emotional Consent & Intimate Licensing. All relationships must be pre-registered to avoid โunregulated affection.โ She once blackmailed a whole town using deepfake nudes.
๐ง Dieter โDer Lauscherโ Pflug
Legendary phone tapper. Now runs “Projekt Bรผrgerwรคchter”, an AI platform that listens to your thoughts before you think them. He recently patented the term “preemptive guilt.”
๐ฃ BLACKMAIL, BUGS, AND BRATWรRSTE
Erikaโs agents operated with perfect Stasi logic: Germans who follow rules must be guilty of something worse.
They created a new scoring system: StasiScoreโข
Below 500: You may take public transport.
Above 900: You may speak in public.
1000+: You’re probably Erika herself.
Meanwhile, citizens were arrested for:
Asking questions in libraries
Owning unregistered mustard
Downloading PDFs after 9pm
All while ex-Stasi agents bought villas in Mallorca with untaxed pensions and starred in EU โDemocracy Workshops.โ
๐ฅ THE TURNING POINT: THE GRILLBANNEPOCHE
Then came the Great Grill Ban of 2026. Stasi issued a decree:
โNo citizen may possess or ignite flame-based cooking apparatus without a Carbon Harmony Certificate.โ
The ban hit hard. Germans, deprived of their right to char sausages in the sun, cracked.
โ๏ธ THE WรRSTCHEN-REVOLUTION
It began innocently: An elderly man in Dortmund lit a charcoal grill in protest, shouting, โFรผr Thรผringer und Freiheit!โ
Soon thousands gathered, waving bratwurst like torches. The government responded by launching โOperation Vegan Ordnung.โ It failed. When a rogue former BILD journalist leaked Erikaโs original Stasi files (signed in purple ink), the StasiBurg crumbled.
๐ฝ THE NEW REPUBLIK: โWURST & WORTโ
The revolution was successful.
The Grillverbot was repealed.
A Truth Commission was formed using AI-generated files from the original Stasi database.
Erika fled to an undisclosed wine cellar in Chile.
Former Stasi elites were sentenced to community service: they now moderate Twitter threads on free speech.
โ Moral of the Story:
If you take away a German’s ability to grill, you take away his will to obey.
๐ธ Support investigative satire that bites harder than wiretaps:
Stasi Germany Satire, IM Erika Merkel, Merkel Stasi Connections, Germany Surveillance Parody, Grillverbot Revolution, German Bureaucracy Satire, Venus Trap Espionage, Blackmail in Modern Germany, Stasi Reborn Fiction, Satirical Dystopia Germany, Bratwurst Resistance, Satire About Merkel, BerndPulch Exclusive, Deep State Humor Europe
๐ด Support Independent Satire! Help us keep exposing absurdity with sharp wit and fearless reporting. ๐ฅ ๐ Donate securely at: https://berndpulch.org/donation ๐ถ Every euro fuels uncensored truth and laughter! ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐๏ธ๐ฅ
๐ฉ๐ช๐ฅ ERIKAS IMPERIUM โ DAS STASIREICH 2.0
Wie Deutschland zum am stรคrksten regulierten รberwachungsspielplatz der Welt wurdeโฆ Bis jemand eine Bratwurst grillen wollte ๐ญ
“Stellt euch die DDR vor โ jetzt skaliert sie hoch, gebt ihr WLAN, 120.000 Vorschriften und ein veganes ESG-Ministerium.” โ BerndPulch.org Exklusiv
๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ WILLKOMMEN IM STASIREICH
Es begann mit guten Absichten โ wie alle bรผrokratischen Dystopien. Ein Land, einst bekannt fรผr Wurst, Ordnung und philosophische Schuldtherapie, verwandelte sich in einen riesigen, summenden รberwachungsstaat โ eine gigantische StasiBehรถrde von der Ostsee bis zu den Bayerischen Alpen.
Bevรถlkerung: 84 Millionen Verdรคchtige. Vorschriften: 120.000, plus/minus wรถchentliche Updates. Vollzugsbeamte: Ehemalige Stasi-Spitzel, jetzt umbenannt in Demokratie-Manager (DMsโข).
๐ DIE OBERSTE GENERAL-KOMANDA: ERIKA
Einst bekannt als Angela Merkel, Erikas echter Name ist IM Erika, die rรคtselhafte Masterstrategin des Ministeriums fรผr Staatssicherheit der DDR. Sie trat nie zurรผck. Sie entwickelte sich weiter.
Hobby: Westliche Demokratien beim Kollabieren beobachten mit Beilage Kartoffelsalat
Lieblingszitat:“Die beste รberwachung ist die, fรผr die man stimmt.”
Sie fรผhrt heute Deutschland GmbH von ihrem schalldichten Weinkeller in Brandenburg aus.
๐งพ DER HEILIGE BรROKRATIE-KODEX: 120.000 GESETZE
Einige Highlights aus dem “Stasi-Bundesgesetzblatt 2025”:
ยง420a Grillverbot โ Outdoor-Grillen erfordert eine Luftreinhalte-Genehmigung Stufe 5 vom Ministerium fรผr Rauch und Gerรผche
ยง88b Gendergegengutachtenpflicht โ Alle รถffentlichen รuรerungen mรผssen von einem 17-kรถpfigen Gremium fรผr Inklusion genehmigt werden
ยง666 ESG-Karmapunktesystem โ Fleischkonsum senkt Ihre digitale Bรผrgerpunktzahl, es sei denn, Sie sponsorn eine ukrainische Drohne
ยง999 Maskentragepflicht (Indoor Memories Edition) โ Maskenpflicht beim Gedรคchtnis an die Pandemie, aus historischer Sicherheit
Natรผrlich sind Stasi-Agenten immun. Erika nennt sie “Staatsschutzbefreite Organismen”.
๐งโ๐ DAS STASI-DREAMTEAM โ WO SIE HEUTE SIND
๐ง Wolfgang “Knopf” Klenz Ehemaliger Oberleutnant der Stasi-Abteilung XX, heute Leiter der Bundesstelle fรผr Moralhygiene. Er genehmigt persรถnlich, worรผber Deutsche Witze machen dรผrfen. Trรคgt vier Masken โ eine physische, drei politische.
๐ง Sabine “Venusnetz” Krieger Meisterin der “Venusfalle”-Operationen in den 80ern, heute Direktorin des Ministeriums fรผr Emotionale Zustimmung & Intime Lizensierung. Alle Beziehungen mรผssen vorregistriert werden, um “unregulierte Zuneigung” zu vermeiden. Erpresste eine ganze Stadt mit Deepfake-Nacktbildern.
๐ง Dieter “Der Lauscher” Pflug Legendรคrer Telefonabhรถrer. Leitet heute “Projekt Bรผrgerwรคchter”, eine KI-Plattform, die Ihre Gedanken hรถrt, bevor Sie sie denken. Patentierte kรผrzlich den Begriff “prรคventive Schuld”.
๐ฃ ERPRESSUNG, WANZEN UND BRATWรRSTE
Erikas Agenten handelten nach Stasi-Logik: Deutsche, die Regeln befolgen, mรผssen etwas Schlimmeres verbergen.
Neues Bewertungssystem: StasiScoreโข
Unter 500: Dรผrfen รถffentliche Verkehrsmittel nutzen
รber 900: Dรผrfen รถffentlich sprechen
1000+: Sind wahrscheinlich Erika selbst
Bรผrger wurden festgenommen wegen:
Fragen in Bibliotheken
Besitz nicht registrierten Senfs
PDF-Downloads nach 21 Uhr
Wรคhrenddessen kauften Ex-Stasi-Agenten Villen auf Mallorca mit steuerfreien Pensionen.
๐ฅ DER WENDEPUNKT: DIE GRILLBANNEPOCHE
Dann kam das Groรe Grillverbot von 2026. Stasi-Dekret:
“Kein Bรผrger darf flammenbasiertes Kochgerรคt besitzen oder entzรผnden ohne COโ-Harmonie-Zertifikat.”
Das Verbot traf hart. Grillwurst-beraubte Deutsche rebellierten.
โ๏ธ DIE WรRSTCHEN-REVOLUTION
Es begann harmlos: Ein Rentner in Dortmund zรผndete einen Holzkohlegrill an und rief: “Fรผr Thรผringer und Freiheit!”
Bald versammelten sich Tausende, schwenkten Bratwรผrste wie Fackeln. Die Regierung startete “Operation Vegane Ordnung”. Sie scheiterte. Als ein ehemaliger BILD-Journalist Erikas Stasi-Akten (lila unterschrieben) leakte, brach die StasiBurg zusammen.
๐ฝ DIE NEUE REPUBLIK: “WURST & WORT”
Die Revolution siegte:
Grillverbot aufgehoben
Wahrheitskommission aus Stasi-Datenbank rekonstituiert
Comment l’Allemagne est devenue le terrain de jeu surveillรฉ le plus rรฉglementรฉ au mondeโฆ Jusqu’ร ce que quelqu’un veuille griller une saucisse ๐ญ
“Imaginez la RDA โ maintenant modernisez-la, ajoutez le Wi-Fi, 120 000 rรจglements et un ministรจre vรฉgan ESG.” โ BerndPulch.org Exclusivitรฉ
๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ BIENVENUE DANS LE STASIREICH
Tout a commencรฉ avec de bonnes intentions โ comme toutes les dystopies bureaucratiques. Un pays jadis connu pour ses saucisses, son ordre et sa thรฉrapie de culpabilitรฉ philosophique est devenu une vaste ruche de surveillance โ une gigantesque StasiBehรถrde s’รฉtendant de la Baltique aux Alpes bavaroises.
Population : 84 millions de suspects. Rรจglements : 120 000, plus ou moins des mises ร jour hebdomadaires. Agents : Anciens indicateurs de la Stasi, rebaptisรฉs Gestionnaires de Dรฉmocratie (DMsโข).
๐ LA COMMANDANTE SUPRรME : ERIKA
Autrefois connue comme Angela Merkel, son vrai nom est IM Erika, la stratรจge insaisissable du Ministรจre de la Sรฉcuritรฉ d’รtat est-allemand. Elle n’a jamais dรฉmissionnรฉ. Elle a รฉvoluรฉ.
Nom de code : IM Erika
Spรฉcialitรฉ : Infiltration impassible, tests de loyautรฉ en couches d’oignon
Loisir : Regarder les dรฉmocraties occidentales s’effondrer en mangeant une salade de pommes de terre
Citation prรฉfรฉrรฉe :“La meilleure surveillance est celle que vous votez.”
Elle dirige aujourd’hui Allemagne GmbH depuis sa cave ร vin insonorisรฉe dans le Brandebourg.
๐งพ LE CODE SACRร DE LA BUREAUCRATIE : 120 000 LOIS
Quelques perles du “Journal Officiel Stasi 2025” :
ยง420a Interdiction de grillades โ Faire un barbecue exige une autorisation atmosphรฉrique de Niveau-5 du Ministรจre des Fumรฉes et Odeurs
ยง88b Obligation de contre-expertise de genre โ Tout discours public doit รชtre prรฉ-approuvรฉ par un panel de 17 auditeurs d’inclusion
ยง666 Systรจme de points karma ESG โ Manger de la viande rรฉduit votre score citoyen numรฉrique, sauf si vous parrainez un drone ukrainien
ยง999 Port obligatoire du masque (รdition Mรฉmoires Intรฉrieures) โ Obligation de masque lors des souvenirs de pandรฉmie, pour sรฉcuritรฉ historique
Bien sรปr, les agents Stasi sont immunisรฉs. Erika les appelle des “Organismes Exempts de Protection d’รtat”.
๐งโ๐ L’รQUIPE DE RรVE DE LA STASI โ Oร SONT-ILS AUJOURD’HUI ?
๐ง Wolfgang “Bouton” Klenz Ancien lieutenant de l’Abteilung XX de la Stasi, aujourd’hui chef du Dรฉpartement Fรฉdรฉral d’Hygiรจne Morale. Il approuve personnellement les sujets de blagues autorisรฉs en Allemagne. Porte quatre masques โ un physique, trois politiques.
๐ง Sabine “Filet de Vรฉnus” Krieger Maรฎtresse des opรฉrations “Piรจge de Vรฉnus” dans les annรฉes 80, aujourd’hui directrice du Ministรจre du Consentement รmotionnel et des Licences Intimes. Toutes les relations doivent รชtre prรฉ-enregistrรฉes pour รฉviter “l’affection non rรฉgulรฉe”. A fait chanter toute une ville avec des deepfakes nus.
๐ง Dieter “L’Oreille” Pflug รcouteur tรฉlรฉphonique lรฉgendaire. Dirige aujourd’hui “Projet Gardien Citoyen”, une IA qui รฉcoute vos pensรฉes avant que vous ne les pensiez. A rรฉcemment brevetรฉ le terme “culpabilitรฉ prรฉemptive”.
๐ฃ CHANTAGE, MICROS ET SAUCISSES
Les agents d’Erika agissaient selon la logique Stasi : Les Allemands qui suivent les rรจgles cachent forcรฉment pire.
Nouveau systรจme de notation : StasiScoreโข
Moins de 500 : Droit aux transports publics
Plus de 900 : Droit ร parler en public
1000+ : รtes probablement Erika elle-mรชme
Citoyens arrรชtรฉs pour :
Poser des questions en bibliothรจque
Possรฉder de la moutarde non enregistrรฉe
Tรฉlรฉcharger des PDF aprรจs 21h
Pendant ce temps, d’ex-agents Stasi achetaient des villas ร Majorque avec des retraites non imposรฉes.
๐ฅ LE TOURNANT : L’รPOQUE DE L’INTERDICTION DES GRILLADES
Puis vint la Grande Interdiction des Grillades de 2026. Dรฉcret Stasi :
“Aucun citoyen ne peut possรฉder ou allumer d’appareil de cuisson ร flamme sans Certificat d’Harmonie Carbone.”
L’interdiction fut un choc. Privรฉs de leur droit de griller des saucisses au soleil, les Allemands craquรจrent.
โ๏ธ LA RรVOLUTION DES SAUCISSES
Tout commenรงa simplement : Un retraitรฉ ร Dortmund alluma un barbecue en criant : “Pour les Thรผringer et la libertรฉ !”
Bientรดt des milliers de personnes agitaient des saucisses comme des torches. Le gouvernement lanรงa “Opรฉration Ordre Vรฉgan”. รchec. Quand un ancien journaliste du BILD rรฉvรฉla les archives Stasi d’Erika (signรฉes en violet), le StasiBurg s’effondra.
๐ฝ LA NOUVELLE RรPUBLIQUE : “SAUCISSE & PAROLE”
La rรฉvolution triompha :
Interdiction des grillades levรฉe
Commission Vรฉritรฉ reconstituรฉe ร partir des archives Stasi
Erika fuit vers une cave ร vin au Chili
Les ex-รฉlites Stasi doivent modรฉrer des discussions Twitter sur la libertรฉ d’expression
โ Morale de l’histoire : Si vous privez un Allemand de grillades, vous brisez son obรฉissance.
๐ธ Soutenez l’humour investigateur qui mord plus fort que les micros :
๐ท๏ธ MOTS-CLรS SEO : Satire Stasi Allemagne, IM Erika Merkel, Connexions Stasi Merkel, Parodie surveillance Allemagne, Rรฉvolution interdiction grillades, Satire bureaucratie allemande, Espionnage Piรจge de Vรฉnus, Chantage Allemagne moderne, Stasi renaissante fiction, Dystopie satirique Allemagne, Rรฉsistance saucisse, Satire sur Merkel, Exclusivitรฉ BerndPulch, Humeur Deep State Europe
๐ด Soutenez la satire indรฉpendante ! Chaque euro alimente la vรฉritรฉ non censurรฉe et le rire ! ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐๏ธ๐ฅ ๐ Dons : https://berndpulch.org/donation
Come la Germania รจ diventata il parco giochi di sorveglianza piรน regolamentato al mondoโฆ Finchรฉ qualcuno non volle grigliare una salsiccia ๐ญ
“Immaginate la DDR โ ora scalatela, aggiungete WiFi, 120.000 regolamenti e un ministero vegano ESG.” โ BerndPulch.org Esclusiva
๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ BENVENUTI NEL STASIREICH
Iniziรฒ con buone intenzioni, come tutte le distopie burocratiche. Un paese un tempo noto per salsicce, ordine e terapia filosofica della colpa si trasformรฒ in un alveare di sorveglianza gigantesco โ un’enorme StasiBehรถrde che si estendeva dal Mar Baltico alle Alpi Bavaresi.
Popolazione: 84 milioni di sospetti. Regolamenti: 120.000, piรน o meno aggiornamenti settimanali. Agenti: Ex-informatori della Stasi, ora ribattezzati Gestori della Democrazia (DMsโข).
๐ LA COMANDANTE SUPREMA: ERIKA
Un tempo conosciuta come Angela Merkel, il suo vero nome รจ IM Erika, l’elusiva stratega del Ministero per la Sicurezza di Stato della DDR. Non si รจ mai dimessa. Si รจ evoluta.
Nome in codice: IM Erika
Specialitร : Infiltrazione senza emozioni, test di lealtร a strati di cipolla
Hobby: Guardare le democrazie occidentali collassare con contorno di insalata di patate
Citazione preferita:“La miglior sorveglianza รจ quella che voti.”
Oggi gestisce Germania GmbH dalla sua cantina insonorizzata nel Brandeburgo.
๐งพ IL CODICE BUROCRATICO SACRO: 120.000 LEGGI
Alcime perle del “Bollettino Federale Stasi 2025”:
ยง420a Divieto di grigliate โ Grigliare all’aperto richiede Approvazione Atmosferica Livello-5 dal Ministero dei Fumi e degli Odori
ยง88b Obbligo di contro-perizia di genere โ Ogni discorso pubblico deve essere pre-approvato da un panel di 17 revisori dell’inclusione
ยง666 Sistema punti karma ESG โ Mangiare carne riduce il punteggio digitale del cittadino a meno che non si sponsorizzi un drone ucraino
ยง999 Obbligo mascherina (Edizione Memorie Indoor) โ Obbligo di mascherina durante i ricordi della pandemia, per sicurezza storica
Naturalmente, gli agenti Stasi sono immuni. Erika li chiama “Organismi Esenti dalla Protezione dello Stato”.
๐งโ๐ IL DREAM TEAM DELLA STASI โ DOVE SONO OGGI?
๐ง Wolfgang “Bottone” Klenz Ex tenente dell’Abteilung XX della Stasi, oggi capo del Dipartimento Federale per l’Igiene Morale. Approva personalmente le battute consentite ai tedeschi. Indossa quattro mascherine: una fisica, tre politiche.
๐ง Sabine “Rete di Venere” Krieger Maestra delle operazioni “Trappola di Venere” negli anni ’80, oggi direttrice del Ministero del Consenso Emotivo e Licenze Intime. Tutte le relazioni devono essere preregistrate per evitare “affetto non regolamentato”. Ricattรฒ un’intera cittร con nudi deepfake.
๐ง Dieter “L’Ascoltatore” Pflug Leggendario intercettatore telefonico. Oggi dirige il “Progetto Guardiano Civico”, una IA che ascolta i pensieri prima di pensarli. Ha recentemente brevettato il termine “colpa preventiva”.
๐ฃ RICATTI, MICROSPIE E SALSICCE
Gli agenti di Erika operavano con logica Stasi: I tedeschi che seguono le regole nascondono qualcosa di peggio.
Nuovo sistema di punteggio: StasiScoreโข
Sotto 500: Puoi usare i trasporti pubblici
Sopra 900: Puoi parlare in pubblico
1000+: Sei probabilmente Erika in persona
Cittadini arrestati per:
Fare domande in biblioteca
Possedere senape non registrata
Scaricare PDF dopo le 21:00
Nel frattempo, ex-agenti Stasi compravano ville a Maiorca con pensioni non tassate.
๐ฅ IL PUNTO DI SVOLTA: LA GRILLBANNEPOCHE
Arrivรฒ il Grande Divieto di Grigliate del 2026. Decreto Stasi:
“Nessun cittadino puรฒ possedere o accendere apparecchi di cottura a fiamma senza Certificato di Armonia Carbonica.”
Il divieto colpรฌ duro. Tedeschi privati della salsiccia grigliata al sole cedettero.
โ๏ธ LA RIVOLUZIONE DELLE SALSICCETTE
Iniziรฒ innocentemente: Un anziano a Dortmund accese una griglia gridando: “Per salsicce di Turingia e libertร !”
Presto migliaia sventolarono salsicce come torce. Il governo lanciรฒ “Operazione Ordine Vegano”. Fallรฌ. Quando un ex giornalista BILD trapelรฒ gli archivi Stasi di Erika (firmati in viola), il StasiBurg crollรฒ.
๐ฝ LA NUOVA REPUBBLICA: “SALSICCIA & PAROLA”
La rivoluzione trionfรฒ:
Divieto di grigliate abolito
Commissione Veritร ricostituita dagli archivi Stasi
Erika fuggรฌ in una cantina cilena
Ex-รฉlite Stasi moderano discussioni Twitter sulla libertร di parola
โ Morale della storia: Se togli a un tedesco la griglia, gli togli la voglia di obbedire.
๐ธ Sostieni l’umorismo investigativo che morde piรน delle microspie:
๐ท๏ธ TAG SEO: Satira Stasi Germania, IM Erika Merkel, Connessioni Stasi Merkel, Parodia sorveglianza Germania, Rivoluzione divieto grigliate, Satira burocrazia tedesca, Spionaggio Trappola di Venere, Ricatto Germania moderna, Stasi rinata fiction, Distopia satirica Germania, Resistenza salsiccia, Satira su Merkel, BerndPulch Esclusiva, Umorismo Deep State Europa
๐ด Sostieni la satira indipendente! Ogni euro alimenta veritร senza censura e risate! ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐๏ธ๐ฅ ๐ Dona: https://berndpulch.org/donation
Como a Alemanha se tornou o parque de vigilรขncia mais regulado do mundoโฆ Atรฉ alguรฉm querer grelhar uma salsicha ๐ญ
“Imaginem a RDA โ agora dimensionada, com Wi-Fi, 120.000 regulamentos e um ministรฉrio vegano de ESG.” โ Exclusivo BerndPulch.org
๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ BEM-VINDOS AO STASIREICH
Comeรงou com boas intenรงรตes, como todas as distopias burocrรกticas. Um paรญs conhecido por salsichas, ordem e terapia filosรณfica de culpa transformou-se em uma colmeia de vigilรขncia gigantesca โ uma enorme StasiBehรถrde estendendo-se do Mar Bรกltico aos Alpes Bรกvaros.
Populaรงรฃo: 84 milhรตes de suspeitos. Regulamentos: 120.000, com atualizaรงรตes semanais. Agentes: Ex-informantes da Stasi, agora rebatizados como Gestores de Democracia (DMsโข).
๐ A COMANDANTE SUPREMA: ERIKA
Antes conhecida como Angela Merkel, seu nome real รฉ IM Erika, a estrategista elusiva do Ministรฉrio da Seguranรงa do Estado da RDA. Nunca renunciou. Evoluiu.
Codinome: IM Erika
Especialidade: Infiltraรงรฃo sem emoรงรตes, testes de lealdade em camadas de cebola
Hobby: Observar democracias ocidentais colapsarem com salada de batata
Citaรงรฃo favorita:“A melhor vigilรขncia รฉ aquela que vocรช vota.”
Agora comanda Alemanha GmbH de sua adega ร prova de som em Brandemburgo.
๐งพ O CรDIGO BUROCRรTICO SAGRADO: 120.000 LEIS
Algumas preciosidades do “Diรกrio Oficial Stasi 2025”:
ยง420a Proibiรงรฃo de Churrasco โ Grelhar ao ar livre exige Aprovaรงรฃo Atmosfรฉrica Nรญvel-5 do Ministรฉrio de Fumaรงas e Odores
ยง88b Obrigatoriedade de Contraparecer de Gรชnero โ Todo discurso pรบblico deve ser prรฉ-aprovado por painel de 17 auditores de inclusรฃo
ยง666 Sistema de Pontos Karma ESG โ Comer carne reduz sua pontuaรงรฃo cidadรฃ digital, a menos que patrocine um drone ucraniano
ยง999 Obrigatoriedade de Mรกscara (Ediรงรฃo Memรณrias Pandรชmicas) โ Uso obrigatรณrio de mรกscara ao recordar a pandemia, por seguranรงa histรณrica
Claro, agentes da Stasi sรฃo imunes. Erika os chama de “Organismos Isentos de Proteรงรฃo Estatal”.
๐งโ๐ O DREAM TEAM DA STASI โ ONDE ESTรO HOJE?
๐ง Wolfgang “Botรฃo” Klenz Ex-tenente da Abteilung XX da Stasi, agora chefe do Departamento Federal de Higiene Moral. Aprova pessoalmente as piadas permitidas aos alemรฃes. Usa quatro mรกscaras โ uma fรญsica, trรชs polรญticas.
๐ง Sabine “Rede de Vรชnus” Krieger Mestra das operaรงรตes “Armadilha de Vรชnus” nos anos 80, agora diretora do Ministรฉrio do Consentimento Emocional e Licenciamento รntimo. Todos os relacionamentos devem ser prรฉ-registrados para evitar “afeto nรฃo regulamentado”. Chantagearia uma cidade com nudes deepfake.
๐ง Dieter “O Escuta” Pflug Lendรกrio grampeador. Agora comanda o “Projeto Guardiรฃo Cidadรฃo”, IA que ouve seus pensamentos antes de pensรก-los. Patenteou recentemente o termo “culpa preventiva”.
๐ฃ CHANTAGEM, MICROFONES E SALSICHAS
Os agentes de Erika operavam com lรณgica Stasi: Alemรฃes que seguem regras devem esconder algo pior.
Novo sistema de pontuaรงรฃo: StasiScoreโข
Abaixo de 500: Pode usar transporte pรบblico
Acima de 900: Pode falar em pรบblico
1000+: Provavelmente รฉ a prรณpria Erika
Cidadรฃos presos por:
Fazer perguntas em bibliotecas
Possuir mostarda nรฃo registrada
Baixar PDFs apรณs 21h
Enquanto isso, ex-agentes Stasi compravam vilas em Mallorca com pensรตes nรฃo tributadas.
๐ฅ O PONTO DE VIrada: A ERA DA PROIBIรรO DE GRELHAR
Veio a Grande Proibiรงรฃo de Churrasco de 2026. Decreto Stasi:
“Nenhum cidadรฃo pode possuir ou acender aparelhos de cocรงรฃo ร chama sem Certificado de Harmonia Carbonica.”
A proibiรงรฃo atingiu em cheio. Alemรฃes privados de sua salsicha grelhada ao sol sucumbiram.
โ๏ธ A REVOLUรรO DAS SALSICHAS
Comeรงou inocentemente: Um idoso em Dortmund acendeu uma grelha gritando: “Por salsichas da Turรญngia e liberdade!”
Logo milhares agitavam salsichas como tochas. O governo lanรงou “Operaรงรฃo Ordem Vegana”. Falhou. Quando um ex-jornalista do BILD vazou os arquivos Stasi de Erika (assinados em roxo), o StasiBurg ruiu.
๐ฝ A NOVA REPรBLICA: “SALSICHA & PALAVRA”
A revoluรงรฃo triunfou:
Proibiรงรฃo de churrasco revogada
Comissรฃo da Verdade reconstituรญda dos arquivos Stasi
Erika fugiu para uma adega chilena
Ex-elites Stasi moderam discussรตes no Twitter sobre liberdade de expressรฃo
โ Moral da histรณria: Se vocรช tira de um alemรฃo sua grelha, tira sua vontade de obedecer.
๐ธ Apoie o humor investigativo que morde mais que microfones:
๐ท๏ธ TAGS SEO: Sรกtira Stasi Alemanha, IM Erika Merkel, Conexรตes Stasi Merkel, Parรณdia vigilรขncia Alemanha, Revoluรงรฃo proibiรงรฃo churrasco, Sรกtira burocracia alemรฃ, Espionagem Armadilha de Vรชnus, Chantagem Alemanha moderna, Stasi renascida ficรงรฃo, Distopia satรญrica Alemanha, Resistรชncia salsicha, Sรกtira sobre Merkel, BerndPulch Exclusivo, Humor Deep State Europa
๐ด Apoie sรกtira independente! Cada euro alimenta verdade sem censura e risadas! ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐๏ธ๐ฅ ๐ Doe: https://berndpulch.org/donation
๐น๐ท Erikaโnฤฑn ฤฐmparatorluฤu โ Stasireich 2.0 Almanya dรผnyanฤฑn en fazla dรผzenlenmiล gรถzetim platformu nasฤฑl olduโฆ Ta ki biri sosis kฤฑzartmak isteyene kadar ๐ญ
“DDRโyi hayal edin โ ลimdi onu bรผyรผtรผn, Wi-Fi ekleyin, 120.000 kural ve vegan bir ESG bakanlฤฑฤฤฑ.” โ BerndPulch.orgโa รถzel
๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ Stasireichโe Hoล Geldiniz
Her ลey iyi niyetlerle baลladฤฑ, tฤฑpkฤฑ tรผm bรผrokratik distopyalar gibi. Sosisleri, dรผzeni ve suรงluluk terapisiyle รผnlรผ รผlke, dev bir gรถzetim kovanฤฑna dรถnรผลtรผ โ Baltฤฑk Deniziโnden Bavyera Alpleriโne uzanan devasa bir Stasi Ofisi.
Nรผfus: 84 milyon ลรผpheli. Kurallar: Haftalฤฑk gรผncellemelerle 120.000. Ajanlar: Eski Stasi muhbirleri, artฤฑk Demokrasi Yรถneticileri (MDโข) olarak yeniden adlandฤฑrฤฑldฤฑ.
๐ Yรผce Komutan: Erika
Daha รถnce Angela Merkel olarak bilinen, gerรงek adฤฑ IM Erika, Doฤu Almanya Devlet Gรผvenlik Bakanlฤฑฤฤฑโnฤฑn ele geรงirilemez stratejisti. Asla ayrฤฑlmadฤฑ. Evrim geรงirdi.
๐ง Wolfgang “Dรผฤme” Klentz Eski Stasi Bรถlรผm XX teฤmeni, ลimdi Federal Ahlaki Hijyen Departmanฤฑ baลkanฤฑ. Almanlara izin verilen ลakalarฤฑ bizzat onaylar. Dรถrt maske takar โ biri fiziksel, รผรงรผ siyasi.
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๐ด Baฤฤฑmsฤฑz mizahฤฑ destekleyin! Her euro, sansรผrsรผz gerรงeฤi ve kahkahayฤฑ besler! ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ๐๏ธ๐ฅ ๐ Baฤฤฑล: https://berndpulch.org/donation
Bernd Pulch 