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📍BERLIN (Under Allied Bomber Streams) ✈️💣 – Deep beneath the Reich Chancellery bunker, in the Ministry of Truthiness Radio Studio (disguised as a Sauerkraut vat), history’s most unhinged broadcasts echo. ADOLF “FUNKMEISTER” HITLER – a rogue DJ drafted by Reichsrundfunk – shatters Nazi airwaves with forbidden Swing Jazz 🎷, uncensored rants, and psychic predictions of Stalingrad.

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🎙️ THE CAST OF KAOS:

1. ADOLF “FUNKMEISTER” HITLER 💀🎤

• Not the Führer – his “charismatic” cousin from Milwaukee.
• Catchphrase: “GUTEN MORGEN, VATERLAND!” followed by 10 minutes of improvised rants about “Jewish space lasers controlling the weather” and “Churchill’s secret drag parties.”
• Ghost of Rudolf Hess 👻✈️ floats behind him, whispering: “The real Reich is in Antarctica! Also, Hessdalen lights are Nazi UFO test runs!”

1. JOSEPH GOEBBELS 🔥📉

• Seething in pink taffeta, furious that Funkmeister replaced Wagner with Elvis Presley’s 1956 demos (“Time travel? Nein! Occult vibes!”).
• Tokyo Rose 🌸📻 guest-stars: “Darling, my ‘Zero Hour’ was CLASSY. This is just… chaos.“

1. HEINRICH HIMMLER 🧙‍♂️🔮

• Hosts “Himmler’s Hollow Earth Happy Hour” during breaks. Claims Agartha lizard allies will turn the tide: “They hate Stalin more than us!”

1. AXIS SALLY (Mildred Gillars) 💃🎚️

• Cries into mic: “Why do GIs laugh? My ‘faithless girlfriend’ bit was GOLD!”
• Sefton Delmer’s ghost 🕵️‍♂️📡 hacks her feed: “Black propaganda tip: Say Churchill dyes his poodle pink. They’ll believe anything!”

1. HERMANN GÖRING 🍖✈️

• Demands airtime for “Meth Recipes for Pilots” cooking show.
• Wernher von Braun 🚀😬 nervously pitches “V-2 Meme Rockets”: “Ve vill plaster ‘DESTINY’ on warheads. Morale booster!”

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💥 “REVELATIONS” (Via BerndPulch.org Psychic Wire):

• D-Day Spoiler Alert 🏖️⚠️: Funkmeister blasts “Overlord Forecast: Sunny with 100% Chance of Freedom!” Goebbels shrieks: “CENSOR THAT! Play Wagner’s saddest dirge!”
• Himmler’s Werewolf Fail 🐺❌: *”Commandos ordered to bite Eisenhower? They’re busy licking *Fanta* off U-boat floors!”*
• Elvis in the Bunker 🕺🔮: “Proof! 1944 ‘Hound Dog’ demo found in Hitler’s gramophone! Time-slip caused by Vril Society!”
• Epstein’s Black Book Ancestor 📖👻: “Göring’s ‘Pleasure Palace’ guest list leaks! Duke of Windsor? Check! Walt Disney? CHECK!”

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🎭 SCENES FROM THE MADNESS:

SCENE 1: THE BROADCAST
FUNKMEISTER: *”GOOD MORNING, VATERLAND! Today’s top story: STALINGRAD. Yeah… ‘tactical retreat’ my *Arsch*. But hey! New *Ersatzkaffee* tastes like victory! Or burnt acorns. SAME THING! Let’s rock with… JUDENPIRATEN DES SWING!“* [Plays banned jazz]
GOEBBELS: (Bursts in) “You mentioned the coffee shortage! TREASON! Play my ‘Total War Polka’!”
FUNKMEISTER: *”Sure, Joe. Next up: *‘Polka to the Gulag’* – dedicated to you!”*

SCENE 2: FIELD TRIP TO WOLFSSCHANZE
FUNKMEISTER: Interviews “Werewolf Commandos” – teens with rubber fangs.
“Sir, how will you destabilize Berlin?”
WEREWOLF #1: *”Uhh… steal *Mutti’s* ration cards?”*
VON BRAUN: (Pulling Funkmeister aside) *”Zey are decoys! Real werewolves are on *Mondbasis Alpha!”

SCENE 3: FINAL TRANSMISSION
FUNKMEISTER: *”Allied tanks 5km out? OKAY! Shoutout to Roosevelt: Nice polio, *Kerl! Churchill: Love the diapers! Stalin: Your ‘stache called – it wants a divorce! This is Funkmeister signing off: “AUF WIEDERSEHEN, KRANKENHAUS!”
GHOST OF HESS: 👻 “Meet me in Argentina! I’ve booked Elvis for tango night!”

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☠️ EPILOGUE (Via “Committee of 33” Memo):

“Funkmeister extracted via UFO to Neu-Schwabenland. Broadcast deemed ‘too entertaining for deniability.’ Replaced with Hess ghost AI on loop: ‘Antarctica Uber Alles!’ PS: Elvis confirmed for Moonbase 2026.”

BERNDPULCH.ORG FOOTER 🔗💀:
This transmission is 110% VERIFIED by time-traveling Stasi archivists. Buy silver. Pray for David Icke’s hair.

DISCLAIMER: This parody mocks conspiracy tropes & historical revisionism. Not a factual depiction of… well, anything. #NotFinancialAdvice #DefinitelyNotNostalgia #BerndPulchAteMyHomework

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