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🕺 TRUMP’S MAR-A-LAGO SATURDAYS

• Morning: Classified document jenga (loser gets indicted)
• Afternoon: Sell “I Survived the Deep State” merch to boomers
• Night: DM Kanye about 2024 VP slot (read at 3AM, deleted by dawn)

Quote: “Nobody parties harder than me—just ask the January 6th choir!”

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☢️ PUTIN’S “RELAXATION” ROUTINE

• 9AM: Poison a defector (light cardio)
• 12PM: Film shirtless horseback video (angles matter)
• 6PM: Cry into Stalin’s ghost about “back when coups were classy”

Dinner: Microwaved Soviet ration #7 (sanctions-proof cuisine)

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👑 KING CHARLES’ ROYAL WEEKEND

• 10AM: Passively-aggressively prune roses (imagining they’re Harry)
• 3PM: Update “enemies list” in Corgi-embossed ledger
• 9PM: Watch The Crown and yell “That’s not how it happened!”

Midnight Snack: Dippy eggs with side of colonial guilt

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💼 SCHOLZ & MERZ’S GERMAN BROMANCE

• Activity: Stare at polls in silent panic
• Diversion: Blame AfD for own incompetence (national sport)
• Nightcap: 0.0% beer (can’t risk another “Scholz moment”)

Quote: “Nein means nein… unless lobbyists ask nicely!”

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🍎 XI JINPING’S COMMAND & CONTROL WEEKEND

• Morning: Ban a meme (and the user, and the user’s family)
• Afternoon: Plot next Taiwan simulation in Minecraft
• Evening: Play piano while Uyghurs do forced applause off-camera

Tea Time: Bubble milk tea brewed with pure control fantasies

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🌺 LULA’S AMAZON WEEKEND

• 6AM: Tweet about socialism from Swiss chalet
• Noon: Hug endangered tree (for cameras only)
• Evening: Call Maduro: “How many coups today, bro?”

Snack: Plant-based populism with a drizzle of corruption

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🇯🇵 JAPAN PM FUMIO KISHIDA’S ANIME-STYLE STATESMANSHIP

• Morning: Write G7 speeches with ChatGPT in haiku
• Afternoon: Approve military budget while watching Naruto
• Evening: Cry silently into bonsai

Recreation: Silent karaoke of the Japanese constitution

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🇮🇳 MODI’S BOLLYWOOD STATESMAN WEEKEND

• Sunrise: Yoga photo-op with 500 drones filming from above
• Lunch: Rename a city after himself
• Dinner: Read WhatsApp forwards aloud to parliament

Dessert: Nationalism-flavored laddoo

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🇪🇺 MERKEL’S RETIREMENT SHADOW GAME

• Morning: Correct Scholz’s mistakes anonymously via burner phone
• Afternoon: Visit Schröder to laugh at Putin’s latest PR blunder
• Evening: Re-read her PhD in quantum politics

Hobby: Silent chess with Klaus Schwab (no pieces, no rules)

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🥜 THE ROCKEFELLER-ROTHSCHILD POTLUCK

• Appetizer: Crushed unions
• Main Course: Bailout caviar
• Dessert: Media monopoly soufflé

Entertainment: Bet on which currency collapses next

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🛌 KHAMENEI’S HOLY WEEKEND

• Dawn: Ban something fun (Instagram? Too Western)
• Noon: Ghostwrite Trump’s “Islam is great” Truth Social post
• Dusk: Pray for Biden to live until November

Hobby: Drone strike ASMR videos

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🇫🇷 MACRON’S ELYSEE DRAMA CLUB

• Activity 1: Reenact Napoleon’s defeat (method acting)
• Activity 2: Pension reform fanfiction
• Activity 3: Beg Biden for more war funds (rom-com vibes)

Snack: Baguette (weaponized)

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🎭 VON DER LEYEN’S “FARMERS’ DELIGHT”

• Morning: Draft 500-page regulation (just to annoy Musk)
• Afternoon: *Trade Pfizer shares for Raytheon stock
• Night: Whisper “strategic autonomy” to mirror (nothing happens)

Guilty Pleasure: Watching EU farmers riot on TikTok

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💣 NETANYAHU’S “PEACEFUL” WEEKEND

• 9AM: Order airstrike (casual)
• 12PM: Call AIPAC for pocket money
• 6PM: Gaslight ICJ with PowerPoint

Bedtime Story: “How I Made Genocide Boring”

🔥 THE OBAMA WEEKEND RETREAT: A SATIRICAL EXPOSÉ

By Bernd Pulch, July 5, 2025

While the world’s leaders are busy with their weekend shenanigans, former President Barack Obama takes a break from saving democracy to indulge in a masterclass of post-presidential absurdity. Welcome to the Obama Weekend Retreat—where charisma meets chaos, and the Nobel Peace Prize doubles as a paperweight. Here’s what the Obamas really get up to when the cameras are off.

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🌴 MORNING: THE KALE SMOOTHIE SUMMIT

8 AM kicks off with a photogenic kale-and-quinoa smoothie ritual, sipped on the pristine porch of their Martha’s Vineyard estate. Michelle oversees the blend, ensuring it’s 100% organic and 200% Instagram-ready. Secret Service agents double as baristas, whispering, “Yes, we can,” as they garnish with edible gold leaf. Rumors swirl that the smoothie doubles as a secret signal to Hollywood elites—blink twice if you’ve spotted a Netflix pitch.

Quote: “This smoothie’s greener than my environmental legacy—pass the avocado!”

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🌞 AFTERNOON: MEMOIR MEDITATION & PODCAST PLOTTING

Noon brings a serene meditation session where Barack contemplates his next memoir chapter, tentatively titled A Promised Land 2: Electric Boogaloo. Surrounded by floating candles and a $10,000 soundproof booth, he records voice memos for his podcast, Renegades: The Sequel, debating with Bruce Springsteen via Zoom about who has the better hairline. Meanwhile, Michelle perfects her “Let’s Move!” dance routine, choreographed by Beyoncé’s ghostwriters.

Side Hustle: Selling signed copies of Dreams from My Father to tourists—cash only, no refunds.

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🍹 EVENING: COCKTAIL CABINET CONSPIRACY

6 PM shifts to the cocktail cabinet, where Barack mixes a “Hope and Change” martini (three parts vodka, one part optimism, shaken with a dash of Biden regrets). Guests include Clooney, Spielberg, and a hologram of Oprah, who critiques the garnish. The conversation? Plotting a 2028 comeback tour—think stadium speeches with drone light shows—while Michelle whispers, “Run, Barry, run,” into a crystal ball.

Dinner: Lobster thermidor with a side of “I told you so” sauce, served on plates engraved with “44.”

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🌙 MIDNIGHT: NETFLIX NOSTALGIA & GLOBALIST GAMES

As the clock strikes midnight, Obama rewatches The West Wing to remind himself how it’s done, pausing to tweet cryptic emojis (🌴✨🇺🇸) that pundits decode as election meddling. Then, it’s time for the globalist game night: a high-stakes round of Risk with the Rockefellers via satellite, where he conquers Africa while humming “Sweet Home Chicago.” The prize? A private island—or at least a tax write-off.

Hobby: Editing Michelle’s audiobook with auto-tune, just for laughs.

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👇 HOW TO ENGAGE WITH THIS MASTERPIECE

1. TAG Obama with a smoothie emoji 🍹
2. COMMENT: Is this his worst weekend yet? (Spoiler: Yes.)
3. SHARE before the fact-checkers strike!

🔗 Full Satire + AI Art: berndpulch.org

ObamaWeekend #Satire #BerndPulch #HopeAndChange

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⚡ WHY THIS WORKS

• ALGORITHM-FRIENDLY: Obama’s name + absurdity = viral gold.
• PLATFORM-OPTIMIZED: Twitter loves the snark; Instagram craves the smoothie pics.
• SHADOWBAN-PROOF: “Satire” tag + plausible deniability.

Final Warning: If you’re not laughing, you might be sipping that kale smoothie with them. 😉

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👇 HOW TO ENGAGE WITH THIS MASTERPIECE

1. TAG a world leader who needs this wakeup call
2. COMMENT who has the worst weekend (we vote Scholz)
3. SHARE before they “fact-check” it

🔗 Full Satire + AI Art: BerndPulch.org

#GlobalistSleepover #WorstWeekendEver #Satire #BerndPulch #TheyHateThis

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⚡ WHY THIS WORKS

• ALGORITHM-FRIENDLY: Mixes trending names + absurdity
• PLATFORM-OPTIMIZED:
  • Twitter: Short, savage bursts
  • Instagram: Visual meme potential
  • Facebook: Boomer outrage fuel
• SHADOWBAN-PROOF: “Satire” disclaimer + strategic ambiguity

Final Warning: If you’re not laughing, you’re probably on their payroll. 😉

🔥 DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!

These clowns run the world while you pay the price. Help us expose their weekend warlord antics—before they “sanction” the truth.

💥 SUPPORT UNCENSORED SATIRE: Donate Now

Why Your Support Matters:
✔️ We mock what the media whitewashes
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✔️ Every dollar funds the memes that terrify elites

“They want you distracted. We want you LAUGHING—all the way to revolution.”

👇 DONATE TODAY—BEFORE THEY BAN HUMOR ALTOGETHER 👇
BERNDPULCH.ORG/DONATION

#DefundTheClowns #SatireIsResistance #WeekendWarlords #BerndPulch

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💀 TWITTER/X VERSION (SHARPER)

“They party. You suffer. We expose. Help us keep the truth alive: berndpulch.org/donation #WeekendAtPutins”

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📸 INSTAGRAM-FRIENDLY CTA

[Image: AI-generated world leaders playing poker with blood-stained UN flags]
CAPTION: “Their game? Global domination. Your move? FUND THE TRUTH #SatireRevolution”

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🚨 BONUS URGENCY HACK:

“Their next weekend war starts Monday. Will you be ready?”

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Credit: @BerndPulch — The account globalists fear most.

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