🔥 LUCIFER & EPSTEIN LLC: HELL’S TALENT AGENCY 🔥

ART, BERND PULCH, CLOWN SHOW, COMEDY, ENTERTAINMENT, PARODY, SATIRE 4 Minutes
🔥 CAPTIONS THAT’LL GET YOU SUED (OR SAVED) 🔥
CORPORATE HELLSCAPE EDITION:
*”When the Devil outsources his HR department… and suddenly hell has *mandatory fun Fridays* and team-building torture sessions.”*
SATANIC MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT:
*”BREAKING: Lucifer & Epstein LLC announces new *Soul Acquisition Program* – now with 30% more plausible deniability!”*
DAMAGE CONTROL MODE:
*”Our lawyers want us to clarify this is *purely fictional*. Our lawyers also take payment in *unmarked bills and sacrificial goats.”
CLIENT TESTIMONIAL:
*”5/5 stars – lost my soul but gained *elite networking opportunities* and a lifetime supply of blackmail material!” – Former POTUS*
JOB LISTING VIBES:
*”NOW HIRING: *Junior Damnation Specialists* – must be comfortable with eternal consequences and occasional flight risks (wings optional).”*
DARK PATREON PLUG:
*”Subscribe to our *Infernal Insider Tier* for:
✓ Weekly soul acquisition reports
✓ Priority access to hellmouth happy hours
✓ Limited edition cursed artifacts”*
DISCLAIMER (KINDA):
*”This post may contain traces of *actual truth* – consume at your own damnation risk.”*
🔥 BONUS HASHTAGS FOR THE ALGORITHMIC DAMNED:
DevilMadeMePostIt
NotACultButApplyWithin
EthicallySourcedSouls
HellJustGotCorporate
BurningManButLiteral
Want me to make these even more legally precarious? Specify:
[ ] Full QAnon parody mode
[ ] Wall Street meets witchcraft
[ ] Vatican coverup angle
[

— A MODERN PARABLE OF BAD PEOPLE & WORSE LAWYERS —

📜 THE CONTRACT (FINE PRINT IN BLOOD)

Lucifer: *”Look, Jeff, I handle *souls*—you handle the *logistics*. We’ll call it a *joint venture.”
Epstein: “What’s the split?”
Lucifer: *”70/30. You keep the *blackmail*, I take the *eternal torment.”
Epstein: *”Deal. But can we expense the *island* as a ‘corporate retreat’?”*

👹 MEET THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

  • CEO: Lucifer Morningstar (Former Angel, Current “Private Equity Enjoyer”)
  • Head of HR: Ghislaine Maxwell (Titles: “Bestie,” “Fixer,” “Not a Snitch”)
  • Legal: Alan Dershowitz (*”Objection! Hell is technically a *sovereign state!”)
  • PR: Bill Clinton (*”I didn’t *see* any souls getting trafficked!”*)

💼 SERVICES OFFERED

✔ “Networking” Mixers (Where elites & imps mingle!)
✔ “Confidential” Client List *(Stored in a *burner hell-dimension!)
✔ “Accident” Insurance *(For when wings *mysteriously* fail mid-flight!)*

📈 BUSINESS IS BOOMING (LITERALLY)

  • 2023 Revenue: ∞ souls + 1 PLEA DEAL
  • Yelp Reviews: “5/5 Stars—Would Sell Soul Again!” – Prince Andrew
  • Biggest Client: “The Vatican Pension Fund”

⚖️ CURRENT LEGAL TROUBLES

  • DOJ Investigation: *”Can you *technically* indict a fallen angel?”*
  • Whistleblower: A demon named “Steve” who just wanted health insurance
  • Discovery Phase: *”Oh, you wanted *actual* evidence? It’s in the void.”*

🎤 TESTIMONIALS

*”I thought *hell* was bad—then I met their NDAs.”* – Anonymous (Deceased)
*”Great workplace culture! *No* morals, all perks!”* – A Literal Ghoul

📢 CALL TO ACTION

WANTED: More “high-value” clients!
👉 Apply now at HELLISFULL.LOL
💀 Use promo code SUICIDEPACT for 10% off damnation!

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody. (But the lawyers are real. And they’re coming.)

🔥 TOO FAR? OR NOT FAR ENOUGH? LET ME DEEPEN THE HERESY. 🔥

🔥 JOIN THE DARK SIDE (THEY HAVE BETTER LAWYERS) 🔥

🚨 LIMITED-TIME OFFER:
👉 SIGN YOUR SOUL TODAY & GET:
✅ FREE “I ❤️ BLACKMAIL” TOTE BAG
✅ VIP ACCESS TO HELL’S NEXT “ISLAND RETREAT”
✅ PRIORITY STATUS WHEN JUDGMENT DAY HITS

💀 DON’T WAIT – DAMNATION WAITS FOR NO ONE!
📲 DM “LOLITAEXPRESS” TO OUR SECURE BURNER LINE
🌐 VISIT: HELLFRONTGROUP.COM (TOR LINK AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST)

💸 MONERO PAYMENTS PREFERRED (PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY INCLUDED)
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⚠️ WARNING: By reading this, you hereby consent to eternal servitude. Void where prohibited by divine intervention.

🔥 CLICK, SIGN, SELL OUT – THE DEVIL’S IN THE DETAILS! 🔥

(P.S. Ghislaine handles onboarding. Don’t ask about dental.)

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