Putin’s Siberian Snap: “Shirtless Putin rides into the twilight, snapping pics as a defector falls—Stalin approves! 📸❄️ #BerndPulch #Satire”
King Charles’ Rose Rage: “Buckingham’s drama king prunes with fury, plotting enemies on a glowing ledger! 🌹👑 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Scholz & Merz’ Poll Panic: “Berlin’s bromance battles plummeting polls, with beer and darts against AfD! 🍺🎯 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Modi’s Drone Dance: “Modi strikes a yoga pose as drones film ‘Modi Nagar’—laddoos glow, WhatsApp reigns! 🧘♂️✨ #BerndPulch #Satire”
Merkel’s Chess Conspiracy: “Merkel outsmarts Schwab in a shadowy chess match, burner phone smoking! ♟️🔥 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Rockefeller-Rothschild Feast: “Underground elites feast on ‘bailout caviar’ while betting on currency collapse! 💰🌐 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Khamenei’s Tech Ban: “Khamenei bans Instagram as Trump’s ghost tweet hovers—drone ASMR strikes! 📵💣 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Macron’s Napoleon Act: “Macron channels Napoleon with a sharpened baguette, ignored by Biden! 🍞🎭 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Von der Leyen’s Farmer Fiasco: “Von der Leyen crafts 500-page regs as rioting farmers trend on TikTok! 📜🚜 #BerndPulch #Satire”
Netanyahu’s War Room Winks: “Netanyahu orders airstrikes with a PowerPoint on ‘boring genocide’—thriller or farce? 💻🔴 #BerndPulch #Satire”
🕺 TRUMP’S MAR-A-LAGO SATURDAYS
- Morning: Classified document jenga (loser gets indicted)
- Afternoon: Sell “I Survived the Deep State” merch to boomers
- Night: DM Kanye about 2024 VP slot (read at 3AM, deleted by dawn)
Quote: “Nobody parties harder than me—just ask the January 6th choir!”
☢️ PUTIN’S “RELAXATION” ROUTINE
- 9AM: Poison a defector (light cardio)
- 12PM: Film shirtless horseback video (angles matter)
- 6PM: Cry into Stalin’s ghost about “back when coups were classy”
Dinner: Microwaved Soviet ration #7 (sanctions-proof cuisine)
👑 KING CHARLES’ ROYAL WEEKEND
- 10AM: Passively-aggressively prune roses (imagining they’re Harry)
- 3PM: Update “enemies list” in Corgi-embossed ledger
- 9PM: Watch The Crown and yell “That’s not how it happened!”
Midnight Snack: Dippy eggs with side of colonial guilt
💼 SCHOLZ & MERZ’S GERMAN BROMANCE
- Activity: Stare at polls in silent panic
- Diversion: Blame AfD for own incompetence (national sport)
- Nightcap: 0.0% beer (can’t risk another “Scholz moment”)
Quote: “Nein means nein… unless lobbyists ask nicely!”
🍎 XI JINPING’S COMMAND & CONTROL WEEKEND
- Morning: Ban a meme (and the user, and the user’s family)
- Afternoon: Plot next Taiwan simulation in Minecraft
- Evening: Play piano while Uyghurs do forced applause off-camera
Tea Time: Bubble milk tea brewed with pure control fantasies
🌺 LULA’S AMAZON WEEKEND
- 6AM: Tweet about socialism from Swiss chalet
- Noon: Hug endangered tree (for cameras only)
- Evening: Call Maduro: “How many coups today, bro?”
Snack: Plant-based populism with a drizzle of corruption
🇯🇵 JAPAN PM FUMIO KISHIDA’S ANIME-STYLE STATESMANSHIP
- Morning: Write G7 speeches with ChatGPT in haiku
- Afternoon: Approve military budget while watching Naruto
- Evening: Cry silently into bonsai
Recreation: Silent karaoke of the Japanese constitution
🇮🇳 MODI’S BOLLYWOOD STATESMAN WEEKEND
- Sunrise: Yoga photo-op with 500 drones filming from above
- Lunch: Rename a city after himself
- Dinner: Read WhatsApp forwards aloud to parliament
Dessert: Nationalism-flavored laddoo
🇪🇺 MERKEL’S RETIREMENT SHADOW GAME
- Morning: Correct Scholz’s mistakes anonymously via burner phone
- Afternoon: Visit Schröder to laugh at Putin’s latest PR blunder
- Evening: Re-read her PhD in quantum politics
Hobby: Silent chess with Klaus Schwab (no pieces, no rules)
🥜 THE ROCKEFELLER-ROTHSCHILD POTLUCK
- Appetizer: Crushed unions
- Main Course: Bailout caviar
- Dessert: Media monopoly soufflé
Entertainment: Bet on which currency collapses next
🛌 KHAMENEI’S HOLY WEEKEND
- Dawn: Ban something fun (Instagram? Too Western)
- Noon: Ghostwrite Trump’s “Islam is great” Truth Social post
- Dusk: Pray for Biden to live until November
Hobby: Drone strike ASMR videos
🇫🇷 MACRON’S ELYSEE DRAMA CLUB
- Activity 1: Reenact Napoleon’s defeat (method acting)
- Activity 2: Pension reform fanfiction
- Activity 3: Beg Biden for more war funds (rom-com vibes)
Snack: Baguette (weaponized)
🎭 VON DER LEYEN’S “FARMERS’ DELIGHT”
- Morning: Draft 500-page regulation (just to annoy Musk)
- Afternoon: *Trade Pfizer shares for Raytheon stock
- Night: Whisper “strategic autonomy” to mirror (nothing happens)
Guilty Pleasure: Watching EU farmers riot on TikTok
💣 NETANYAHU’S “PEACEFUL” WEEKEND
- 9AM: Order airstrike (casual)
- 12PM: Call AIPAC for pocket money
- 6PM: Gaslight ICJ with PowerPoint
Bedtime Story: “How I Made Genocide Boring”
🔥 THE OBAMA WEEKEND RETREAT: A SATIRICAL EXPOSÉ
By Bernd Pulch, July 5, 2025
While the world’s leaders are busy with their weekend shenanigans, former President Barack Obama takes a break from saving democracy to indulge in a masterclass of post-presidential absurdity. Welcome to the Obama Weekend Retreat—where charisma meets chaos, and the Nobel Peace Prize doubles as a paperweight. Here’s what the Obamas really get up to when the cameras are off.
🌴 MORNING: THE KALE SMOOTHIE SUMMIT
8 AM kicks off with a photogenic kale-and-quinoa smoothie ritual, sipped on the pristine porch of their Martha’s Vineyard estate. Michelle oversees the blend, ensuring it’s 100% organic and 200% Instagram-ready. Secret Service agents double as baristas, whispering, “Yes, we can,” as they garnish with edible gold leaf. Rumors swirl that the smoothie doubles as a secret signal to Hollywood elites—blink twice if you’ve spotted a Netflix pitch.
Quote: “This smoothie’s greener than my environmental legacy—pass the avocado!”
🌞 AFTERNOON: MEMOIR MEDITATION & PODCAST PLOTTING
Noon brings a serene meditation session where Barack contemplates his next memoir chapter, tentatively titled A Promised Land 2: Electric Boogaloo. Surrounded by floating candles and a $10,000 soundproof booth, he records voice memos for his podcast, Renegades: The Sequel, debating with Bruce Springsteen via Zoom about who has the better hairline. Meanwhile, Michelle perfects her “Let’s Move!” dance routine, choreographed by Beyoncé’s ghostwriters.
Side Hustle: Selling signed copies of Dreams from My Father to tourists—cash only, no refunds.
🍹 EVENING: COCKTAIL CABINET CONSPIRACY
6 PM shifts to the cocktail cabinet, where Barack mixes a “Hope and Change” martini (three parts vodka, one part optimism, shaken with a dash of Biden regrets). Guests include Clooney, Spielberg, and a hologram of Oprah, who critiques the garnish. The conversation? Plotting a 2028 comeback tour—think stadium speeches with drone light shows—while Michelle whispers, “Run, Barry, run,” into a crystal ball.
Dinner: Lobster thermidor with a side of “I told you so” sauce, served on plates engraved with “44.”
🌙 MIDNIGHT: NETFLIX NOSTALGIA & GLOBALIST GAMES
As the clock strikes midnight, Obama rewatches The West Wing to remind himself how it’s done, pausing to tweet cryptic emojis (🌴✨🇺🇸) that pundits decode as election meddling. Then, it’s time for the globalist game night: a high-stakes round of Risk with the Rockefellers via satellite, where he conquers Africa while humming “Sweet Home Chicago.” The prize? A private island—or at least a tax write-off.
Hobby: Editing Michelle’s audiobook with auto-tune, just for laughs.
👇 HOW TO ENGAGE WITH THIS MASTERPIECE
- TAG Obama with a smoothie emoji 🍹
- COMMENT: Is this his worst weekend yet? (Spoiler: Yes.)
- SHARE before the fact-checkers strike!
🔗 Full Satire + AI Art: berndpulch.org
ObamaWeekend #Satire #BerndPulch #HopeAndChange
⚡ WHY THIS WORKS
- ALGORITHM-FRIENDLY: Obama’s name + absurdity = viral gold.
- PLATFORM-OPTIMIZED: Twitter loves the snark; Instagram craves the smoothie pics.
- SHADOWBAN-PROOF: “Satire” tag + plausible deniability.
Final Warning: If you’re not laughing, you might be sipping that kale smoothie with them. 😉
👇 HOW TO ENGAGE WITH THIS MASTERPIECE
- TAG a world leader who needs this wakeup call
- COMMENT who has the worst weekend (we vote Scholz)
- SHARE before they “fact-check” it
🔗 Full Satire + AI Art: BerndPulch.org
#GlobalistSleepover #WorstWeekendEver #Satire #BerndPulch #TheyHateThis
⚡ WHY THIS WORKS
- ALGORITHM-FRIENDLY: Mixes trending names + absurdity
- PLATFORM-OPTIMIZED:
- Twitter: Short, savage bursts
- Instagram: Visual meme potential
- Facebook: Boomer outrage fuel
- SHADOWBAN-PROOF: “Satire” disclaimer + strategic ambiguity
Final Warning: If you’re not laughing, you’re probably on their payroll. 😉
🔥 DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT!
These clowns run the world while you pay the price. Help us expose their weekend warlord antics—before they “sanction” the truth.
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