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💻 SESSION 2 ACT 1: THE “ACCIDENTAL” BIRTH OF SURVEILLANCE INC.

(1998: A Stanford server room smells of ramen and treason)

LARRY (debugging): “This ‘PageRank’ thing could… organize information?”
SERGEY (grinning): “Nyet, comrade—it’s perfect for ranking dissidents!” ☭

*(Across campus, a *CIA recruiter* swipes right on their dorm IP address.)*

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🕵️ ACT 2: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR SPY AGENCY

*(2003: Google’s first *”Don’t Be Evil”* board meeting)*

NSA DIRECTOR (via encrypted fax): *”We need *real-time* updates on every cat video watcher.”*
LARRY (sipping Soylent): *”We’ll call it… *Google Analytics.”
SERGEY (whispering): *”In Russia, *analytics* tracks you!”*

*(The *FBI* immediately orders 10,000 “I ❤️ Big Data” mugs.)*

---

💔 ACT 3: THE $100 BILLION BREAKUP (SPONSORED BY PALANTIR)

*(2022: Nicole Shanahan’s *revenge arc* begins)*

NICOLE (in court): *”I want *half* of Sergey’s AI soul.”*
JUDGE: *”Denied. *AI* has no soul… just 14,000 hidden shareholders.”*

*(Sergey *transfers* his emotions to a Google Doc titled “FEELINGS (DO NOT INDEX)”)

---

🚨 ACT 4: OPERATION “CLOUD JUICE”

*(2024: Leaked emails reveal *Google Health* was just NSA’s fitness tracker all along)*

CIA CASE OFFICER: *”We need *predictive* colonoscopy data!”*
GOOGLE ENGINEER: *”Best we can do is *sell* your own heartbeat back to you* as a subscription.”*

*(Apple *files a patent* for “iSpy: The Toilet Edition”.)*

---

🎯 WHY THIS SCORCHES EARTH:

✅ Google’s “Open Source” = “Open Season on Your Privacy“
✅ Silicon Valley marriages: The real venture capital
✅ Nicole Shanahan: The only adult in the data orgy

🔗 FULL UNREDACTED DOSSIER:
👉 berndpulch.org/google-cias-lovechild *(Auto-deletes in *5…4…3…)

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🏷️ TAGS THAT’LL GET YOU FLAGGED:

GoogleGate #SpywareValley #TechDivorce2024 #CIAngelInvestors #SurveillanceValentines #BrinVsHumanity #BerndPulch

⚠️ WARNING: *Reading this *may* result in personalized FBI memes appearing in your YouTube ads.*

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💡 BONUS LEAKS:

• Larry’s secret algorithm: “If (user == awake) { sell_retina_scan(); }”
• Sergey’s New Zealand bunker wifi password: “Пароль123”
• Nicole’s revenge NFT: “Blockchain Divorce Papers (Limited Edition)”

P.S. The real “Machine Learning” was the friends we data-mined along the way. 💾👬

P.P.S. Like this post? *Your *location* has been shared with 12,000 partners.* 🌍🤝

P.P.P.S. Dislike this post? *Too bad—you *already* consented in Section 12.7 of Google ToS.*

SESSION 1:

🔍 “GOOGLE, GOV & THE EX-WIFE: A SILICON VALLEY SOAP OPERA”
A Bernd Pulch Exclusive – Because Truth is Stranger Than Sci-Fi

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💻 ACT 1: THE “DON’T BE EVIL” ORIGIN STORY

*(1998: A Stanford dorm. Larry Page and Sergey Brin *accidentally* invent surveillance capitalism.)*

LARRY: *”Let’s *organize the world’s information*… starting with *your dick pics!”* 📸
SERGEY: *”Da! We call it… *Machine Learning for the Motherland.” ☭🔍

*(The *CIA* immediately invests via a “Stanford Pizza Fund”.)*

---

🕵️ ACT 2: THE NSA’S FAVORITE SEARCH ENGINE

*(2010: PRISM Program leaks. Google’s *”20% Time”* now means “20% for the Pentagon”.)*

NSA AGENT: *”We need *backdoors* into everything.”*
LARRY: *”Best I can do is *Android bloatware* that tracks bathroom breaks.”* 🚽📊

*(Sergey *quietly* builds a doomsday bunker in New Zealand.)*

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💔 ACT 3: THE EX-WIFE VARIABLE

*(2024: Brin’s ex, *Nicole Shanahan*, funds *AI ethics* to spite her cyborg ex-husband.)*

NICOLE: *”I’ll expose *Big Tech’s dirty data!”*
SERGEY: *”Joke’s on you—I *sold* our wedding photos to Palantir.”* 💍👁️

*(The *FBI* declares their divorce settlement a national security threat.)*

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🎯 WHY THIS HURTS (IN A GOOD WAY):

✅ Google’s “Don’t Be Evil”: Archived (like your MySpace data)
✅ Three-letter agencies: Silent partners since Day 1
✅ Silicon Valley divorces: More profitable than IPOs

🔗 FULL UNALGORITHMED REPORT:
👉 berndpulch.org/google-cia-wife *(Before *autocomplete* erases this.)*

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🏷️ TAGS FOR THE SHADOW BAN HAMMER:

GoogleParody #CIAAndChill #NSADataHoard #TechDivorce #SiliconValleySoapOpera #BrinAndTears #BerndPulch

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: *This satire *may* trigger targeted ads for divorce lawyers and Faraday cages.*

---

P.S. The real “Machine Learning” was the friends we data-mined along the way. 💾👬

P.P.S. Like this post? *Your *location* has been shared with 12,000 partners.* 🌍🤝

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