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Published Exclusively on BerndPulch.org – Where Saints Fear to Tread
By Our Lady of Perpetual Irony
ROME – BERLIN – LONDON – VERSAILLES
On this holy Easter Monday, as choirs warble “Hallelujah” and parliaments nap under liturgical pretense, the world’s spiritual and secular elite are once again rising — not from the dead, but from the comfort of taxpayer-funded retreat spas.
Vatican: Papal Blessings and Petroleum Profits
Pope Francis delivered his Easter Monday sermon under a banner that read: “Blessed Are the Peacemakers (Now Accepting Crypto).” While urging peace in Gaza, Ukraine, and “other regions we occasionally remember,” Vatican sources confirmed the Holy See just renewed its silent stake in an Italian arms conglomerate and a Swiss-based fossil fuel trust named “Divine Liquid.”
A visiting Cardinal was overheard saying, “The Lord works in mysterious offshore jurisdictions.”
Germany: Scholz Offers Tanks and Tolerance
Bundestag members, fresh from a government-organized sunrise service at Rheinmetall HQ, took Easter Monday to reflect on “the resurrection of the defense budget.” Olaf Scholz, dressed in what appeared to be a pastel flak jacket, declared that “peace requires heavy machinery.”
Baerbock lit an environmentally conscious beeswax candle to symbolize “hope, rebirth, and the export of 500 Leopard tanks to democratic partners.”
UK: Crown, Church, and Council Tax Rises
In London, the royal family, resplendent in gold-threaded vestments and £4,000 hats, attended Easter services where Archbishop Whats-His-Name warned of “moral decay.” He clarified afterward that he meant “among the poor.”
Meanwhile, Prime Minister Keir Starmer with Lord Ali celebrated the resurrection by raising council taxes, cutting NHS nurses, and donating a bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher to a village that had no electricity.
France: Macron’s Versailles Gospel
President Macron delivered his Easter address from the steps of Versailles, wearing a white robe that critics called “alarmingly monarchist.” He declared “a new social contract,” which apparently involves longer work weeks, fewer pensions, and “mandatory philosophical reflection before protests.”
He ended the speech by promising reform and promptly flying to Corsica to “contemplate the suffering of the unemployed over oysters.”
Climate Crusaders Canonized
In a surprise ecumenical act, Greta Thunberg was declared a Climate Saint by a coalition of NGOs, though she was not consulted. Celebrations included fireworks, imported kombucha, and 14,000 private jets emitting solidarity into the atmosphere.
Easter Monday Miracles
- Jean-Claude Juncker rose from political retirement to demand a wine subsidy.
- Liz Truss reappeared on GB News claiming to have seen a vision of economic growth.
- EU Commissioners collectively agreed on nothing, but had a lovely brunch.
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