A colorful uprising brews as heroic retirees, armed with cane-swords and thermos bombs, storm the crumbling bureaucratic palaces of EUtopia. In a land where wine once flowed and pensions grew fat, the tables have turned—and the Bureau(c)RATS are on the run!
#GreatThirst2026 #PensionustPower #BrusselsBurnsWithBingo #FrançoisRabelaisReborn
📜 Prologue: A Great Thirst Descends Upon the Land
Behold! In the scandalous year 2026, Europe—once a land of wine, wealth, and well-worded directives—was parched!
The vineyards wilted, the pension fountains dried, and Brussels belched hot air and hollow promises.
The Pensionusts (🧓⚔️ mighty elders of reclining valor) awoke to empty accounts and decaf doom,
While the Bureau(c)RATS (🐀📎 pale-cheeked feeders of the fiscal trough) squealed as their cheese-funds melted into vapor.
🍽️ Chapter I: The Bankruptcy Feast
In the gaudy Baroque buffet-halls of Brussel Sprouts, the EU High Table gathered for their last supper:
🥣 Austerity Stew — boiled budget cuts with a hint of “sustainable debt”.
🥄 Tears of Greek pensioners — served in ethically-sourced chalices.
🍷 Vintage IOUs, decanted over sighs of regret.
Monsieur Junckerus Maximus (🍷👃), swaying like a budget forecast, slurred:
“Uncork the final barrel of €uro-wine! Let the peasants eat spreadsheets!”
But woe! The barrel was filled with:
- Empty promises
- Unicorn NFTs
- A crumpled note: “Gone phishing – love, your Cayman Islands account.”
🧓 Chapter II: The Pensionusts’ Uprising
In the lands of Gelsenkirchen and Geriatrica, the Pensionusts mobilized.
With thermos-bombs in hand and velcro-strapped fury, they rose!
Gertrude the Gray (🔥🪖), wielder of the Wheelchair of Wrath, declared:
“We’ve paid taxes since before the Berlin Wall was trendy. Now PAY US or FACE OUR KNITTING NEEDLES OF RAGE!”
The Arsenal of the Aged:
- Thermal Cane-blades
- High-powered hearing aids set to ‘riot’
- Echo-location slippers
- Shielding umbrellas repurposed as halberds
- Battle banner: “No Pension? No Peace. Yes Bingo.”
📎 Chapter III: The Bureau(c)RATS Scamper Like Scalded Ferrets
From their marble crypts of EU decrees, the Bureau(c)RATS fled, holding on to their golden per diems.
Frau Merkelus Ex-Machina (🐙💼), now a spiritual advisor to BlackRocktopus, shrieked:
“Nein! The Pensionusts have discovered compound interest and vengeance!”
Across the land, their bastions crumbled:
🏛️ The ECB was converted into a spa and schnitzel retreat.
📊 PowerPoint slides were used as kindling.
🎲 Austerity became a board game banned in 14 countries.
🏆 Chapter IV: Victory, Pretzels, and the People’s Republic of Bingo
The Pensionusts seized the Bundestag and repurposed it into:
“The People’s Bingo-Congress of Silver Justice”
Where motions were passed with:
- Applause AND applesauce
- Nap breaks constitutionally mandated
- Weekly karaoke: “Don’t Stop Believin’ (in Social Security)”
💬 About the Author: François Rabelais (1494–1553, Reuploaded 2026)
🧠 Monk, physician, satirist, and part-time wine enthusiast, Rabelais was the 16th-century prophet of absurd governance.
Famed for Gargantua and Pantagruel, he taught the world to laugh at tyrants, theologians, and the flatulence of dogma.
Resurrected via an AI Ouija board and fermented ink, his spirit now speaks through satirical data packets, hosted exclusively at:
BerndPulch.org
⚔️ CALL TO ACTION (w/ Extra Cheese & Fury)
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🏷️ Hashtags for the Glorious People’s Meme Machine
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