“Pride & Protest: Or, Why Every Eligible Bachelor in 2025 is Morally Bankrupt”A Jane Austen-Style Indictment of Modern Dating✌

ART, BERND PULCH, COMEDY, ENTERTAINMENT, LITERATURE, PARODY, SATIRE 3 Minutes
“Ballroom.exe: Elizabeth Bennet deletes suitors like spam emails as Mr. Darcy glitches in the metaverse—Regency pride meets 2025 protest.”

🎭 Act I: The Ballroom, 1813 vs. 2025

1813 (Regency England, in soft lavender prose):
“My dear Mr. Darcy, you insulted my family at the assembly! I shall refuse your hand until you demonstrate moral improvement!”

2025 (Dystopian Dating, in neon glitch text):
“My dear AI-generated Hinge match, you deepfaked a voice note saying I’m ‘tolerable’? I shall algorithmically shadowban you until you apologize via blockchain!”

🔍 Key Austenian Observations (2025 Edition)

1813 🎻 2025 🤖 💍 Fortune Hunters“He has ten thousand a year!” (Mrs. Bennet swoons) *”He has **10K *MoonPay dividends!” (Crypto-mom hyperventilates) ⚔️ Scandals“Eloped with a militia officer? Ruined forever!”“Liked a controversial AI post? Social credit score -50!”💌 Courtship“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” (Byron) “Shall I compare thee to ChatGPT’s love poems?” (AI-generated rizz) 👑 Heroines“I refuse you on principle!” (Lizzy Bennet) “I ghosted you because your NFT portfolio was mid.”

💔 Modern Tragedies (With Symbols)

  • 💸 The Dowry Problem: “No prenup? Darling, even Lydia wouldn’t be so reckless.”
  • 📱 The Social Media Trap: “A lady’s reputation used to hinge on one letter; now it’s one unverified tweet.”
  • 🤖 The AI Suitor Crisis: “He listens, he remembers birthdays, he’s emotionally available… pity he’s a Silicon Valley chatbot.”

🎨 Color-Coded Satire

  • 🔴 Red = Scandal (e.g., “Caught using last year’s ChatGPT pick-up lines!”)
  • 💎 Teal = Wealth satire (e.g., “His crypto castle has zero emotional windows.”)
  • 🖤 Black = Austen’s withering narration (e.g., “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a verified checkmark is the new 10K a year.”)

🏷️ 2025 Hashtags

#PemberleyMetaverse #BennetGPT #LizzySwipedLeft #AustenInTheChat

Final Line (Narrator’s Verdict):
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single person in possession of a good fortune must still be in want of a therapist… and a VPN.”

Want More?

  • “Mansfield Park 2025”: Remote work culture, but with more moral decay!
  • “Persuasion 2.0”: A tragedy about being ghosted by your situationship’s AI clone.

🎭

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