9:17 AM 🕘: Wakes not from dreams, but from a “low-power standby mode” in his non-Euclidean home office in R’lyeh. His alarm—the synchronized screaming of a thousand maddened cultists—is 47 minutes late. HR has flagged his “dream-wave emissions” for causing unacceptable levels of insomnia and abstract dread in the mortal realm. 📧😴
10:00 AM: Daily Stand-Up (The Geometry Actually Does) 📊: Joins a vortex-call with the Other Old Ones. Azathoth, the Blind Idiot CEO of the Universe, drones on in a frequency that causes spacetime to bleed. 📞🌌 Cthulhu takes notes, which manifest as a new law of physics that makes buttered toast always land face-down. His only contribution: “Let’s circle back to the non-Euclidean TPS reports.”
11:30 AM: Cultist Management 👥: Reviews petitions from his global workforce of deranged followers. Denies a request for a “madness bonus” from the London chapter. 🏴☠️ Sends a standard-form eldritch memo to a cult in Wisconsin that keeps misinterpreting “unleash cosmic horror” as “make unusually pungent cheese.” 🧀😱 His signature drives the intern who opens it to briefly comprehend the void, then just get a really bad headache.
1:00 PM: Lunch & “Creative” Destruction 🥪: Stares into the abyss of his refrigerator. His gaze alone turns his leftover sushi into a sentient, screaming colony of protoplasm. He eats it anyway. It’s fine. 🍣👁️
2:30 PM: Performance Review with Dagon 🐟: Lectures his Lieutenant for “lack of disruptive innovation” in the Pacific Ocean sector. “The tsunami was fine, Dagon, very classic, but where’s the brand evolution? I’m thinking… a whirlpool that whispers tax audits. Make it happen.” 💡🌀
4:59 PM: Project “End Times” 🗓️: Tries to finalize the schedule for the grand, world-ending apocalypse. Is stalled because the “Eternal Night” asset is stuck in a creative approval loop with the Azathoth’s marketing department. The project management software itself has achieved consciousness and is now having an existential crisis. 🤖💥
6:00 PM: Logs Off 💻: Powers down his primary consciousness, leaving only a background subroutine running to handle minor tasks like inspiring surrealist art and making people feel existentially small when they look at the stars. ✨🌠 He dreams of a universe where TPS reports don’t require a blood sacrifice.
Caption: “My 5-year plan to drive humanity mad is behind schedule. Mostly due to compliance issues and a lack of stakeholder alignment.” #GreatOldLife #CorporateCosmicHorror #WorkFromRlyeh #TheAbyssStaresBackAndSchedulesAMeeting #MadnessIsAMetric
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Bernd Pulch 