“Dr. Z.’s Basement of Bravado: Where Muscles Meet Mayhem”
“Dr. Z.: The Aryan รbermensch Whoโs Just Here to Lift Weights, Sell Newspapers, and Save Germany (Again)”
By Bernd Pulch
Opening Scene: The Gym Monologue
The camera pans over a dimly lit basement gym in Berlin. The walls are adorned with posters of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a faded German flag, and a poorly photoshopped picture of Dr. Z. standing next to Hitler (with Hitlerโs face replaced by Dr. Z.โs). Dr. Z., a 66-year-old bodybuilder with a comically exaggerated mustache, is bench-pressing a 20-pound weight while grunting loudly.
Dr. Z.: (panting) “Mein Gott, these weights are heavyโฆ just like the burden of saving Germany from the globalist conspiracy! But I, Dr. Z., the real expert, will not falter! I am the รbermensch! The Aryan ideal! Theโฆ uhโฆ guy who definitely didnโt skip leg day!”
He drops the weight, which clatters to the floor. His Brazilian ex-wife, Carla, walks in wearing sunglasses and holding a mimosa. She looks unimpressed.
Carla: (in Portuguese) “Youโre a joke, Z. A washed-up clown who canโt even lift his own ego.”
Dr. Z.: (confused) “Danke, Carla! I knew you still believed in me!”
Carla rolls her eyes and leaves. Dr. Z. flexes in the mirror, muttering to himself.
Dr. Z.: “One day, Germany will see. They will all see. Dr. Z. is the hero they needโฆ but not the one they deserve.”
Scene 2: The IZ Office
*The camera cuts to the chaotic office of *IZ, the smeary real estate newspaper owned by billionaires Andreas and Edith Lurch. The office is a mess, with stacks of papers everywhere and a faint smell of burnt coffee. Murky Jan is hunched over a computer, Dumb Tom P. is eating a sandwich, Peter Crazy E. is napping at his desk, and Klausi M. is drawing stick figures on a whiteboard.
Murky Jan: “Alright, team, we need a new headline for tomorrowโs edition. Something bold. Something provocative. Something that screams โDr. Z. approved.โ”
Dumb Tom P.: (mouth full) “How about โImmigrants Are Stealing Our Jobsโ?”
Peter Crazy E.: (waking up) “No, no, no! โImmigrants Are Stealing Our Real Estateโ! Thatโs the real issue!”
Klausi M.: (excited) “Ooh, can we add a cartoon? Maybe one with a happy family buying a houseโฆ but then an immigrant sneaks in and steals it? The kids will love it!”
Murky Jan: “Perfect. Klausi, youโre a genius. Tom, stop eating. Peter, wake up. Letโs make Dr. Z. proud.”
The camera zooms in on a framed photo of Dr. Z. on the wall, looking stern and holding a dumbbell.
Scene 3: The Neo-Nazi Rally
Dr. Z. arrives at a neo-Nazi rally in a beat-up Volkswagen Beetle painted to look like a tank. He steps out, wearing a tracksuit with the sleeves cut off to show his biceps. The crowd of five people (and one confused dog) cheers weakly.
Dr. Z.: “Meine Kameraden! Today, we stand united against the globalist agenda! Against the immigrants! Against theโฆ uhโฆ people who donโt like me! But fear not, for I, Dr. Z., am here to save Germany!”
Suddenly, a rival neo-Nazi leader, Hans “The Hammer” Schmidt, steps forward. Heโs younger, taller, and has a slightly less ridiculous mustache.
Hans: “Dr. Z., youโre a relic of the past. A has-been. Aโฆ whatโs the word? Oh yeah, a loser.”
Dr. Z.: (offended) “How dare you! I am the real expert! The consultant! Theโฆ uhโฆ guy who definitely knows what heโs talking about!”
Hans: “Prove it. I challenge you to a push-up contest. Right here, right now.”
The crowd murmurs excitedly. Dr. Z. hesitates but then puffs out his chest.
Dr. Z.: “Fine. But donโt blame me when you lose. Iโve been training for this my whole life!”
The two men drop to the ground and start doing push-ups. Hans quickly takes the lead, while Dr. Z. struggles to keep up. After five push-ups, Dr. Z. collapses, panting.
Dr. Z.: “Thisโฆ this is globalist sabotage! Someone must have tampered with my protein shakes!”
*The crowd boos. Hans smirks and walks away, victorious. Dr. Z. looks defeated but then pulls out a copy of *IZ* and holds it up triumphantly.*
Dr. Z.: *”You may have won today, Hans, but the real battle is in the pages of *IZ! And in my heart! Andโฆ uhโฆ my biceps!”
Final Scene: The Mirror
Back in his basement gym, Dr. Z. stares into the mirror, flexing his biceps and muttering to himself.
Dr. Z.: “One day, Germany will see. They will all see. Dr. Z. is the hero they needโฆ but not the one they deserve.”
Carla walks in, holding a piece of paper.
Carla: “Hereโs your divorce settlement, Z. Maybe you should save yourself first.”
She tosses the paper at him and leaves. Dr. Z. picks it up, sighs, and then starts doing push-ups again.
Dr. Z.: *”For Germany! For *IZ! Forโฆ uhโฆ my biceps!”
The camera zooms out as Dr. Z. continues his push-ups, the sound of his grunts fading into the distance.
End Credits
As the credits roll, a cheery polka version of “Eye of the Tiger” plays. The screen shows outtakes of Dr. Z. dropping weights, Klausi M. drawing increasingly ridiculous cartoons, and Dumb Tom P. eating sandwiches in slow motion.
Hereโs a call-to-action (CTA) for your parody project, linking to Patreon.com/berndpulch and berndpulch.org/donation. This CTA is written in a sarcastic, over-the-top tone to match
“Help Dr. Z. Save Germany (Again)!”
Are you tired of the same old neo-Nazi clichรฉs? Do you crave a hero whoโs equal parts muscle, mustache, and madness? Then itโs time to rally behind Dr. Z., the self-proclaimed “real expert” on everything from racial purity to bench presses! But even an รbermensch needs your support to keep the dream alive.
Why Donate?
- Fund Dr. Z.โs Protein Shakes: Every dollar helps Dr. Z. maintain his glorious biceps, which are essential for fighting globalist conspiracies and lifting heavy newspapers.
- Keep IZ Running: Your donations ensure that Murky Jan, Dumb Tom P., Peter Crazy E., and Klausi M. can continue producing the smeary real estate journalism Germany definitely needs.
- Support Carlaโs Alimony: Letโs be honest, Dr. Z.โs Brazilian ex-wife deserves every penny for putting up with his nonsense.
- Save Germany (Again): Because someone has to do it, and Dr. Z. is clearly the man for the job.
How You Can Help
- Patreon: Become a patron of Dr. Z.โs noble cause at Patreon.com/berndpulch. For just $5 a month, youโll get exclusive access to behind-the-scenes content, like Dr. Z.โs workout routines and Klausi M.โs questionable cartoons.
- Direct Donations: Prefer a one-time contribution? Visit berndpulch.org/donation and help fund Dr. Z.โs mission to restore Germanyโs “glory” (whatever that means).
Perks for Donors
- $5: A personalized thank-you note from Dr. Z. (written by Dumb Tom P. because Dr. Z. canโt spell).
- $10: A digital copy of IZโs most controversial headlines, including “Immigrants Are Stealing Our Real Estate (and Our Sandwiches).”
- $25: A signed photo of Dr. Z. flexing in front of the German flag (may include Carla in the background rolling her eyes).
- $50: Your name printed in the next edition of IZ as an “Honorary Aryan Supporter” (terms and conditions apply).
Join the Movement!
Dr. Z. canโt do this alone. He needs youโyes, YOUโto help him lift Germany out of the gutter (and maybe himself off the gym floor). Whether youโre a proud patriot, a curious bystander, or just here for the memes, your support matters.
Donate today at:
๐ Patreon.com/berndpulch
๐ berndpulch.org/donation
*Disclaimer: Dr. Z. is not responsible for any injuries sustained while attempting to replicate his workout routines. Side effects of supporting *IZ* may include confusion, laughter, and a sudden urge to move to Brazil.*
Let me know if youโd like to tweak this further! ๐
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