“Gettysburg roars with cannon and ghostsโSvenโs musket jams, Klausi taunts, and Pete spins steel. Walburgaโs sword glows, Dumbo duels Quichotte, and Kanye rhymes through the smoke as spectral cavalry charge from the haze. Lee commands, but the crewโs madness outshines the dead!”
List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned soldier, hacking muskets instead of code.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, pranking Union and Confederate alike.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, charming officers in tattered finery.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning war into a wild jest.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, lost in battlefield smoke and morphine.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting whose side heโs on.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, debating generals mid-volley.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing war spoils for her empire.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, muttering amid cannon roar.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the warโs brutal order.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword outshining bayonets.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing law in the line of fire.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging cannons to misfire.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing hardtack to distract troops.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, weaving schemes in the smoke.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling maps in a war zone.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, thriving in battlefield shadows.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, dropping beats amid the blasts.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bockโs foe, charging her with a saber.
- General Robert E. Lee: Confederate leader, facing the crew in Gettysburgโs fray.
(Cue booming cannons, the crack of muskets, and the bugleโs wail, as the crew leaps from Londonโs fog into the smoky carnage of Gettysburg, July 1863.)
The Wonder Swordโs glow sliced through Whitechapelโs fog, yanking the crew from Jackโs grasp. They landed hard in churned mud, the air thick with gunpowder and the screams of the dying. Gettysburg ragedโUnion blue and Confederate gray clashed across fields and ridges, cannonballs tearing the earth. General Robert E. Lee, astride a horse, surveyed the battle, his stern gaze catching the crew. โDeserters? Spies?โ he barked. โProve your mettleโor fall!โ
Sven, splattered with mud, clutched a jammed musket. โFrom knives to leadโIโd rather hack a telegraph!โ He poked at the barrel, dodging a bayonet. Klausi, scampering through the smoke, lobbed a rock at a Union soldier. โOi, bluecoat, catch thisโdemonโs here to play!โ The troop stumbled, firing wide.
Murky Jan, now in a torn officerโs coat, flashed a grin at a passing aide. โDarling, this warโs a stageโsurely Iโm too grand to gut?โ A cannonball whistled past, and he ducked. Crazy Pete, twirling a bayonet like a baton, danced amid the chaos. โWhy so shooty, Bobby Lee? This circus needs my giggleโha ha ha!โ A bullet grazed his hat, and he winked.
Thomas, swaying from battlefield morphine, slurred, โThisโฆ this is liberty? Or just bad dope?โ Olaf Amnesia, beside him, stared at a tattered flag. โDid I enlist? Which sideโs mine?โ A sergeant shoved him toward the line.
Ms. Dumbo Bock, uniform scavenged, faced Lee. โThis carnage needs talksโI propose a ceasefire!โ Count Don Robert Quichotte, saber gleaming beside her, sneered, โYour peace dies here, Bockโtaste my charge!โ She parried with a rifle butt, earning a growl.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing a supply wagon, whispered to a wounded rebel. โJoin me, and this warโs oursโsyndicate style!โ Fritz the Fozzler, stumbling through smoke, muttered, โFrom fog to fireโฆโ Dr. Z, dodging shrapnel, nodded. โSuch martial purityโa soldierโs dream!โ
Walburga, her Wonder Sword flashing, met a bayonetโs thrust. โYour steelโs no matchโIโll cleave this fight!โ Lee pointed, โTake her down!โ Good Uncle Jochen, tripping over a corpse, shouted, โUnder war lawโow!โweโve rights!โ A musket ball silenced him.
Dumb Tom, fiddling with a cannon fuse, grinned. โMisfire the boom, save the dayโdone!โ Dumb Beatrix, tossing hardtack from her apron, called, โChew this, not lead, you smoky fools!โ Andreas and Edith, clutching soggy maps, whimpered, โWeโll guide your linesโspare us!โ
Godmother Erika, calm in the storm, murmured, โThis bloodโs our clayโmold it.โ Kanye West, bold amid the blasts, rapped: โIโm Kanye, war kingโbeats hit harder than your cannons, bling!โ Vigo, lurking in the shadows, smirked. โSlaughter or spoilsโI win either way.โ
Lee raised his sword, his voice cutting through the din. โHold the ridgeโor bury them all!โ The battle surged, cannons roaring like thunder. Peteโs bayonet spun, Svenโs musket sparked, and Klausi tripped a horse, hooves flying. โNow!โ Walburga roared, her sword slashing smoke, light bursting as lead flew. The Wonder Sword pulsed, and the crew vanishedโmud splattering, Leeโs shout fading into battlefield silence.
They landed in a heap, smoke replaced by a sharp breeze, fields now stone. Sven groaned, โWhere now?โ Klausi sniffed, โSmells like saltโand steel.โ Pete grinned, โNew round, same stakesโante up!โ
Call to Action: “Blast Out of Gettysburgโs Guts!”
โThe crewโs pinned in Gettysburgโs hellโSvenโs muskets jam, Klausiโs pranks smoke out, and Peteโs turning war into a gag! Walburgaโs sword needs YOUR fire to blast us free from Leeโs cannon crush. Back our dodge from this bloody clashโor weโre cannon fodder!
Join the battle brigade: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a coin to defy the volley: berndpulch.org/donation
Save us from Gettysburgโs gutsโsupport now, or itโs bayonets for breakfast!โ
(End scene with the rumble of artillery and the cry of a distant bugle.)
Call to Action: “Charge Out of Gettysburgโs Carnage!”
โThe crewโs trapped in Gettysburgโs blast zoneโSvenโs guns choke, Klausiโs tricks fizzle, and Peteโs juggling bayonets in the smoke! Walburgaโs sword needs YOUR spark to slash us free from Leeโs lead rain. Back our break from this cannon carnageโor weโre buried in the mud!
Join the battlefield bust-out: patreon.com/berndpulch
Toss a coin to duck the barrage: berndpulch.org/donation
Help us outrun Gettysburgโs gutsโsupport now, or itโs grapeshot for the gang!โ
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