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By Volker Pispers (in spirit)

“Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round, because Germany has a new Kaiser—well, not officially, but give him a private jet and a few billion euros in debt, and he’s halfway there. Meet Friedrich Merz, the CDU’s freshly crowned ‘Debt Emperor.’ Yes, the man who once preached fiscal discipline like a televangelist selling salvation has now discovered the joys of borrowing. It’s a miracle! Someone call the Vatican—Saint Fritz of the Deficit deserves a statue.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Volker, didn’t Merz spend years warning us about the evils of debt? Didn’t he say it’s generational theft, a burden on our children?’ Oh, yes, he did. Back when he was just a humble multimillionaire lawyer, jetting between boardrooms at BlackRock, he’d wag his finger at the SPD and Greens, saying, ‘You can’t just spend money you don’t have!’ But that was Old Merz—pre-enlightenment Merz. New Merz has seen the light, and that light is a giant pile of borrowed cash.

What changed? Well, power, for one. Nothing loosens a conservative’s wallet like the chance to sit in the Chancellor’s chair. Suddenly, debt isn’t a sin—it’s a strategy. He’s gone from ‘Nein, nein, nein!’ to ‘Ja, borrow me a billion!’ faster than you can say ‘Schwarze Null.’ And why not? If you’re going to be Emperor, you need an empire—and empires aren’t cheap. Roads, bridges, maybe a few Taurus missiles for Kyiv—Fritz is shopping like it’s Amazon Prime Day, and the bill’s due in 2040.

But let’s give credit where it’s due: Merz has a vision. He’s not just borrowing—he’s rebranding. Debt’s not debt anymore; it’s ‘future investment.’ Sounds nicer, doesn’t it? Like calling a hangover ‘pre-sobriety hydration.’ And who better to sell this than a man who owns a plane worth more than your hometown? He’s not out of touch—he’s just living in 2035 already, while the rest of us peasants are stuck counting coins in 2025.

Picture it: Emperor Merz, aloft in his private Cessna, gazing down at Germany like it’s his personal fiefdom. ‘More autobahns!’ he decrees, sipping a Riesling at 30,000 feet. ‘More tax cuts for my friends at Porsche!’ Meanwhile, the Finance Ministry scrambles to find loose change in the sofa cushions, because Fritz doesn’t do details—he does grandeur. He’s not here to balance budgets; he’s here to build monuments to himself, preferably with gold trim.

And the irony? The CDU base loves it. The same people who cheered Angela Merkel’s penny-pinching are now clapping for Merz’s borrowing spree. ‘He’s bold!’ they say. ‘He’s decisive!’ No, he’s just figured out what every politician eventually learns: promising free stuff wins votes, and promising free stuff with someone else’s money wins elections. Genius, really. Why didn’t Kohl think of that?

So here we are, folks: Germany, land of poets, thinkers, and now—apparently—deficit emperors. Friedrich Merz, the man who turned fiscal conservatism into fiscal cosplay. Next time you see him on TV, pontificating about ‘responsible spending,’ just imagine him in a velvet cape, crown tilted, whispering to his advisors, ‘Make it quick, and make it expensive.’ Because that’s the Merz way: if you’re going to break your principles, at least do it in first class.”

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“Sick of emperors like Merz hogging the throne? Then back the jesters who call them out. Drop a euro or two at patreon.com/berndpulch or berndpulch.org/donation—because while Fritz borrows billions, we’re the ones keeping the bastards honest. Fund the fight, and let’s topple a crown or two!”

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