---

🌅 5:47 AM: Cryotherapy & Kabbalah

· Wakes up already hydrated. Her tears are bottled and sold as “Rebel Tears” ($220/ml).
· 30-minute cryotherapy session – because aging is a “social construct” and also her nemesis.
· Chants ancient Kabbalah mantras… backwards. “It’s more disruptive, darling.”

---

💪 7:30 AM: Spiritualized Workout

· Power yoga on a mat made of recycled Blonde Ambition tour corsets.
· Personal trainer is a 25-year-old Brazilian dancer named “Sunshine” who may or may not be her next muse.
· Resting heart rate: 44 BPM. Ego rate: 1,000 BPM.

---

🥑 9:00 AM: Breakfast of (Immortal) Champions

· Eats one avocado pit, finely ground and blessed by a shaman from Malibu.
· Drinks a green juice containing: kale, regret, and the last hopes of her 90s competitors.
· Reads her own coffee table book “Madonna by Madonna” for inspiration.

---

🎤 11:00 AM: “Creative” Rehearsals

· Forces her backup dancers to hold plank position while she tests new choreography.
· Fires a guitarist for looking “too 2008”.
· Announces a world tour – 87 shows, 19 countries, 1 mysterious “oxygen tent” backstage.

---

💅 1:00 PM: “Business” Lunch

· Meets with Netflix execs to pitch “Madonna: Undress Me Again” – a docuseries about her choosing what to wear.
· Sends back the gluten-free bread because “it judged her”.
· Signs a $80M deal to curate her own museum – The Museum of Me.

---

👯 4:00 PM: Adopts a New Accent

· Today: Unexpectedly Welsh.
· Tweets: “Feeling very Celtic-earth-mother today. Buying a castle.”
· Hires a professional cuddle therapist to help her “connect with her inner sheepherder”.

---

🌙 8:00 PM: Dinner & Dominance

· Dines with 19-year-old “artists” who “totally get her vision”.
· Tells a story about Prince for the 9,000th time. No one dares interrupt.
· Dessert is a single edamame bean served on a platinum spoon.

---

🛏️ 11:59 PM: Beauty Rituals

· Sleeps hanging upside-down like a bat to smooth wrinkles.
· Night mask made of crushed diamonds and Tibetan prayer flags.
· Whispers into a recorder: “Note to self: trademark ‘Madonna’ for the moon.”

---

💀 FINAL THOUGHT:

“I don’t follow trends. I follow me. And sometimes… I follow really hot Instagram yogis.”

---

🔖 TAGS:

MadonnaSatire #MaterialGirl #CelebrityCulture #AgingInReverse #WellnessSatire #PopIcon #ForeverYoung #HWELLS

⚠️ DISCLAIMER:
This is satire. Madonna remains flawless, eternal, and probably reading this right now. Hi, Madonna!

---

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