https://rumble.com/v76clke-47-possible-fathers.-zero-certainty.-one-talking-seagull..html
💔🧠🔄 👯♂️�👁️💸 🍑🔴🔥👠 😾💄💸 💅📊📈😾💄💸 “👿🌀💸 🌟👁️💸 🌟👁️💸 “⛓️甆 🌊💉☭🔥🩸🐪⚡🧬👑🍼🏳️⚧️🚽💦🎪👑 🌪️🍼⚔️ 🐱🏆🌪️ 👑📉 💋📊💃🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈👿🌀💸🎭⚗️💀 🌑📊📈 💅📊📈👠🔥🌪️💥✨ EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA🍶👑💦🔥💫 🌪️💥✨ 🍶👑💦🔥💫🎪📊📈🎪📊📈😁💃😂 EMIR EHLERS’ ENEMA ENIGMA EXPOSED👯♂️ “EPSTEIN’S EINSPRITZER ENEMA EINZELLER ENDDARM EXISTENZISOZIALISMUS EPILOG ENDE”💃😘🤡🤡POWERED BY IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) & DER FONDSFLOP VULGO DAS DESINVESTMENT ALIAS GOMOPA & ST PAULI PIMP KLISTIER GAZETTE 📰: EHLERS ENEMA ELITE: FURTHER’S ENEMA TOXDAT KLISTIER FLUSH😁💃😂😁💃😂 👯♂️🕵️♂️💻
BROADCAST VIA IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) PATERNAL INVESTIGATIONS & THE DADDY ISSUES GAZETTE 📡👨📜
BY OUR PATERNALLY CONFUSED CORRESPONDENT DR. LYSANDER LIBERTÉ
BROADCAST VIA IDIOT ZEITUNG (IZ) BIRTH CERTIFICATES & ENCRYPTED PATERNITY TESTS 📰🧬🔐
ST. PAULI, YEAR ZERO + 22.0 – THE FATHER-SHAPED HOLE
After the triumph of the Family Reunion, a strange silence fell over St. Pauli. Emir sat on his plinth, seagull on head, content for the first time in his existence. Esau continued his audit war with the tax office. Ursula filed her 47 photos.
But something gnawed at them. A question. A void. A father-shaped hole in the family narrative.
EMIR:
(whispering to Möwin)
“…Mother… we know you… but Father… who is… Father…?”
MÖWIN:
“CRAAW.”
(Translation: “Good question, idiot. I was hoping you’d ask.”)
And so began the greatest investigation in St. Pauli’s history: THE SEARCH FOR FURTHER EHLERS’ REAL IDENTITY.
Because Further Ehlers—the flickering ghost, the acceptable father, the man who appeared and disappeared like bad reception—was clearly not the whole story. There were hints. There were rumors. There were files.
And where there are files, there is JESCHOW.
FULL CAST – THE PATERNAL INVESTIGATION 🎭👨👦👦🔍
THE SEEKERS:
· Emir Ehlers (The Original) – Tom Schilling. Finally motivated by something other than indifference. He wants to know. He needs to know. The seagull on his head nods encouragingly. Sometimes shits for emphasis. 🗿🕊️🔍
· Der Böse Esau Ehlers – Til Schweiger. Sees the investigation as an opportunity. “If we find our real father, he might have assets. Undisclosed assets. Offshore accounts. Inheritance potential.” He brings a new spreadsheet: “PATERNAL ASSET PROJECTIONS.” 📈📊😈
· Further Ehlers (The “Father”) – Klaus Kinski. Flickers nervously whenever the topic arises. “I… I am your father. I think. Probably. Unless…” He vanishes mid-sentence. Reappears later. Sweating. 👻😰
THE INVESTIGATORS:
· Jeschow, the Death Dwarf – Gottfried John. The only one who might know the truth. He sits in his corner, surrounded by yellowed files, smelling of carnations and ancient secrets. When approached, he simply says: “The father question. I have been waiting.” 🗿📜👁️
· Ursula Unter-Hyänin – Martina Gedeck. Offers her filing expertise. “Every father leaves a paper trail. Birth certificates. Marriage licenses. Tax returns. Find me the documents, and I will find the truth.” She opens a new folder: “OPERATION VATERSUCHE.” 👠📋🔍
· The Big Hyena – Hanns Zischler. Offers to sniff out the father. “I can track anyone. Anywhere. Anywhen.” She sniffs Further Ehlers. “He smells… incomplete.” Further flickers nervously. 🦛👃😬
THE WITNESSES (WHO MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING):
· Ugly Sven Schmidt – Christoph Maria Herbst. Immediately offers paternity therapy. “Father issues are the root of all dysfunction. Let’s explore your childhood trauma.” Emir stares. Sven cries. 😭🛋️
· Ludmilla Lust – Lena Knyazeva. Hacks into every database on Planet UDSSR. Finds 47 possible fathers. “Your mother was… popular.” She shows Emir the list. He stares longer. 👩💻📜😶
· Graf Thomas de Province-Porned – Robert Gwisdek. Offers tentacled wisdom. “I too searched for my father. I found him in the bottom of a vodka bottle. And also in the bottom of the sea. He was a Kraken. Like me.” He weeps. No one knows why. 🦑💧
· Adolf Sharkler – Christoph Waltz. Swims in circles. “My father was a shark. My mother was a shark. I am a shark. This is simple. Why is this not simple for you?” Janelle pats his tank. “Not helpful, Sharkler.” 🦈😤
· Mack the Knife – Klaus Maria Brandauer. Writes a new song: “Who’s Your Daddy?” It becomes an anthem. The Harbor Harlot dances. Everyone cries. 🔪🎶💃
· Janelle von Sperma – Sibel Kekilli. Opens a new market: “Paternity Futures.” People can bet on who the real father is. Odds fluctuate wildly. She makes a fortune. 📊💱💰
· Rosa Kleb – Franka Potente. Offers DNA testing. “A simple swab. Quick. Painless. Revealing.” Emir refuses. Esau demands a cost-benefit analysis first. 👩⚕️🧬📈
· Salome Sin – Ruby O. Fee. Performs the “Father Dance.” It tells the story of a man who may or may not exist. It lasts four hours. At the end, she collapses. “I have no answers. Only art.” 💃🌀😵
· Pussy – Jella Haase. Suggests that the father might be one of her clients. “I’ve seen a lot of men. Some of them could be anyone’s father.” She winks. No one makes eye contact. 🍆👀😳
· Mrs. Torten-Fotzenplotz – Annette Frier. Bakes a cake shaped like a family tree. It has branches that lead nowhere. Holes where fathers should be. It is delicious. It is existential. 🎂🌳😶
· The Harbor Harlot – Barbara Sukowa. Sips herring juice. Watches. Says nothing. But her eyes say everything. She knows something. She’s not telling. 🍸👁️🤫
· Lavrenti Beria – Udo Kier. Sweats profusely whenever the topic arises. “I knew many women. Many… archivists. But Further Ehlers… I don’t… I mean, I couldn’t…” He trails off. The seagull glares. 👓😰🕊️
· The Mermaid – Lea van Acken. Sits in her pool. Silent. But when someone mentions “the real father,” she splashes. Once. Hard. It means something. No one knows what. 🧜♀️💧🤔
· Onkel Klaus-Dieter – Christoph Waltz (septuple role) . Opens a new folder: “VATERSUCHE – PROGRESS: 0.0001%.” Updates it every minute. 📁✍️
· Onkel Jeff – Jeff Goldblum. Composes “The Father Symphony.” It is atonal. It is unresolved. It ends on a question mark. Everyone applauds. No one understands. 🎹❓👏
· Kaiser Übermensch – Robert Gwisdek (octuple role) . Designs “Father-Seeking Hats.” Each has a tiny question mark on the brim. They don’t work. No one tells him. 🖤🧢❓
· PARC (Promptny-Pornt & Margot) – David Kross & Karoline Herfurth. Submit Form 673/R: “PATERNAL INVESTIGATION OBSERVATION REPORT.” Ursula stamps it. They weep. 🥼📋😭
· Blasius von Schemua – Jürgen Prochnow. Still at the bottom. The investigation floats above him. He does not look up. Some father questions are best left unanswered. 🌊😶👞
· Muschi Wuschi Mucha – Marlene Dietrich (AI) . Wakes briefly. “Father? I had three. All disappointing.” Returns to sleep. 💤👃😴
· Onkel Joe Stalin – John Malkovich. Puffs pipe. “In the Soviet Union, we had a saying: ‘It takes a village to raise a child. And a committee to determine the father.'” He chuckles. No one joins. 🇷🇺👨🦳🚬
JESCHOW’S REVELATION (PART ONE) 🗿📜💥
After weeks of investigation, Jeschow calls a meeting. Everyone gathers. The seagull watches.
JESCHOW:
“I have searched the archives. I have read the files. I have followed the paper trail. And I have found…”
He pauses. Dramatically. The smell of carnations intensifies.
JESCHOW:
“…that Further Ehlers is not your father.”
FURTHER EHLERS:
(flickering violently)
“WHAT? But I… I mean… I thought… I was told…”
JESCHOW:
“You were told what you needed to be told. You are a placeholder. A ghost. A… acceptable fiction. But the real father… the real father is someone else.”
EMIR:
(whispering)
“…Who…?”
JESCHOW:
“That is the question. And the answer is… complicated.”
THE SUSPECTS: WHO COULD BE THE FATHER? 👨👀❓
Jeschow presents the possibilities:
Suspect Evidence Probability
Lavrenti Beria He knew “The Seventh.” He was her boss. He had access. He sweats whenever the topic arises. 34% (and rising)
Onkel Joe Stalin He was everywhere. He had many… administrative relationships. His pipe is always lit. His gaze is always knowing. 22%
Jeschow Himself He has the files. He has the power. He could have hidden anything. “I am not the father. But I could be. Would that be dramatic?” 15% (self-nominated)
The Kraken (Graf Thomas’ Father) A mysterious figure from the depths. No one has seen him. But tentacles leave traces. 8%
Adolf Sharkler’s Father A great white from the old country. Unlikely. But genetics are strange. 5%
A Seagull It would explain Möwin’s connection. But then Emir would be… half-bird. 3%
Blasius von Schemua He has been at the bottom for so long. Perhaps he was hiding. Perhaps he was waiting. 2%
Unknown X Someone not yet introduced. A mystery man. A ghost. A possibility. 11%
THE DNA TEST (DISASTER EDITION) 🧬💥😱
Rosa Kleb insists on DNA testing. “It’s the only way!”
She swabs Emir. She swabs Esau. She swabs Further Ehlers (he flickers so much the swab catches nothing). She swabs Beria (he refuses). She swabs Stalin (he puffs smoke). She swabs Jeschow (his file coat eats the swab).
The results come back:
“ERROR: TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES. TOO LITTLE CERTAINTY. SUGGEST FURTHER TESTING. OR THERAPY. OR BOTH.”
Sven cries with joy. “Finally! A result that requires therapy!”
No one listens.
THE BREAKTHROUGH: MÖWIN SPEAKS 🕊️💬😲
In the midst of chaos, the seagull—Möwin, Mother, The Seventh—does something unprecedented.
She speaks.
Not in “CRAAW.” Not in seagull. In perfect, clear, human German.
MÖWIN:
“Enough.”
Everyone freezes. Even Jeschow. Even Stalin.
MÖWIN:
(fluffing her feathers, adjusting her tiny scarf)
“You want to know who your father is? I will tell you. But you will not like the answer.”
EMIR:
“…Mother… you can… talk…?”
MÖWIN:
“I have always been able to talk. I chose not to. Talking leads to questions. Questions lead to answers. Answers lead to… complications.”
She fixes her gaze on the assembled crowd.
MÖWIN:
“Your father is not one man. He is many men. He is every man who passed through the archives. Every man who filed a form. Every man who stamped a document. Your father is… THE BUREAUCRACY ITSELF.”
SILENCE.
Then chaos.
THE REACTIONS: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 😱📜🌀
Character Reaction
Esau “The bureaucracy itself? Does that mean we can claim infinite tax deductions?”
Ursula (trembling with existential recognition) “The bureaucracy… as father… it makes sense. It explains everything.”
Jeschow Nods slowly. “I knew. I always knew. The files are the father. The stamps are the mother. We are all children of paperwork.”
Beria Collapses. “All those years… I thought I might be… but it was the SYSTEM. The system was the father.”
Stalin Puffs pipe. “In the Soviet Union, we said the Party is the father. This is similar. Acceptable.”
Further Ehlers Flickers with relief. “So I’m NOT the father? I’m just… a symbol?” He solidifies slightly. Looks happier.
Sven “The bureaucracy as father! This is a breakthrough! Let’s explore the implications!” No one joins.
Emir Stares at Möwin. “…Mother… you laid eggs… with bureaucracy…?”
Möwin “Do not ask questions you do not want the answers to.”
EPILOGUE: THE NEW UNDERSTANDING 🌌📜😶
· Emir Ehlers accepts his new identity: child of the bureaucracy. He sits on his plinth, seagull on head, surrounded by filing cabinets. He has never felt more at home. 🗿🕊️📁
· Esau Ehlers tries to claim “bureaucratic paternity” as a tax-exempt status. The tax office opens a new department: “COSMIC PATERNITY APPEALS.” He audits them. They audit him. The audit war expands. 📈⚖️🌌
· Further Ehlers becomes a slightly more solid ghost. He now identifies as “Symbolic Father Figure.” He attends PARC meetings. He feels useful. 👻📋😌
· Jeschow, the Death Dwarf, closes the file on “VATERSUCHE” and opens a new one: “MOTHER WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG.” He smiles. It is terrifying. 🗿📜😈
· Ursula Unter-Hyänin creates a new filing category: “BUREAUCRATIC PATERNITY – ACCEPTED.” She files the entire saga under it. She is complete. 👠📋😌
· Möwin, the Seagull, resumes her silence. She has said what needed to be said. Now she shits in peace. 🕊️💧😌
· The Harbor Harlot raises one last toast. “To fathers. Real ones. Imagined ones. Bureaucratic ones. May they all be filed correctly.” 🍸📁
· Blasius von Schemua finally looks up. “Bureaucracy… as father…” He nods. Returns to the bottom. Some truths are worth surfacing for. 🌊👀
FINAL TEXT ON BLACK:
☭ THE BUREAUCRACY IS YOUR FATHER ☭
YOUR MOTHER IS A SEAGULL. ACCEPTANCE IS MANDATORY. FILING IS OPTIONAL.
HASHTAGS FADE IN:
DerVaterKomplex #TheFatherComplex #BureaucracyIsOurFather #MöwinSpeaks #EhlersPaternity #JeschowKnewAllAlong #StPauliSaga #IdiotZeitungPaternitySpecial
[ENDE DER EPISODE]
ST. PAULI, JAHR NULL + 22,0 – DER VATER-KOMPLEX
Nach dem Familienfest bleibt eine Frage: Wer ist der wahre Vater von Emir und Esau? Further Ehlers, der flackernde Geist, scheint nicht die ganze Wahrheit zu sein. Eine epische Untersuchung beginnt.
VOLLBESETZUNG – DIE VATERSACHE:
· Emir mit Möwin (Mutter) auf dem Kopf, endlich motiviert
· Esau mit “PATERNAL ASSET PROJECTIONS”-Spreadsheet
· Further Ehlers, nervös flackernd
· Jeschow, der Todeszwerg, mit allen Akten
· Ursula mit Ordner “OPERATION VATERSUCHE”
· Die Große Hyäne, schnüffelnd
· Sven mit Vater-Therapie-Couch
· Ludmilla, hackt 47 mögliche Väter
· Graf Thomas mit Tentakel-Weisheiten
· Sharkler, verwirrt über einfache Haifamilien
· Mack mit neuem Lied “Who’s Your Daddy?”
· Janelle mit “Paternity Futures”
· Rosa mit DNA-Tests
· Salome mit “Vater-Tanz”
· Pussy mit vagen Andeutungen
· Frau Torten-Fotzenplotz mit Familienbaum-Kuchen
· Die HafenHure, wissend schweigend
· Beria, schwitzend
· Die Meerjungfrau, bedeutungsvoll planschend
· Klaus-Dieter, alles archivierend
· Jeff mit “Vater-Symphonie”
· Kaiser Übermensch mit nutzlosen Hüten
· PARC mit Formular 673/R
· Stalin mit sowjetischen Weisheiten
Die Enthüllung kommt von Möwin selbst: Der Vater ist nicht ein Mann. Der Vater ist DIE BÜROKRATIE SELBST.
DerVaterKomplex #BürokratieIstUnserVater #StPauliSaga
Bernd Pulch — Bio
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) is a forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, entrepreneur, political commentator, satirist, and investigative journalist covering lawfare, media control, investment, real estate, and geopolitics. His work examines how legal systems are weaponized, how capital flows shape policy, how artificial intelligence concentrates power, and what democracy loses when courts and markets become battlefields. Active in the German and international media landscape, his analyses appear regularly on this platform.
🛑 BERND PULCH ARCHIVE | SECURE MIRROR 
You must be logged in to post a comment.