By: Karl der Satiriker, March 64th, 2025

In a groundbreaking strategic revelation that will surely be taught in military academies for centuries (as a cautionary tale), Bruno Kahl, head of Germany’s Federal Intelligence Service, has suggested that Europe would be safest if Ukraine just kept fighting Russia for the next five years. Because, let’s be honest, who needs peace when you have such a convenient buffer zone?

Kahl, speaking to DW, outlined his vision for Europe’s security: “If Ukraine keeps Russia busy until 2030, they won’t have time to bother us. It’s brilliant, really! They fight, we watch, and we all stay safe—well, except for Ukraine, but let’s not dwell on the details.”

NSDC Responds: “No, Germany, You Can’t Hide Forever”

Andriy Kovalenko, head of Ukraine’s Center for Counteracting Disinformation, was less than impressed with this bold new “Ukraine-as-a-shield” strategy. “No, dear sir,” he began, before absolutely roasting Germany’s defense readiness. “You think you can avoid war with Russia in 4-6 years by sitting back and waiting? Good luck with that! Right now, Germany takes longer to make a single Taurus missile than a Ukrainian babushka takes to make borscht.”

Kovalenko also pointed out that while Nordic countries, Poland, and France seem to be gearing up for a serious confrontation with Russia, Germany appears to be running on what military analysts call the “Ostrich Doctrine”—stick your head in the sand and hope for the best.

Germany’s Defense Strategy: Mastering the Art of Strategic Procrastination

Germany’s reluctance to fully commit to military support has been well-documented. Experts suggest that the German government is operating on the classic principle of “Vielleicht später” (Maybe later), in which critical defense measures are delayed until such time that they are no longer useful.

Konstantin von Notz, chairman of Germany’s intelligence oversight committee, tried to salvage the situation by urging the creation of a European intelligence-sharing network. “We must work together,” he said, “or at least, work together to delay doing anything meaningful.”

Ukraine: “You’ll Have to Fight Eventually”

Meanwhile, Ukraine remains unimpressed with Europe’s tendency to treat them like a free trial version of NATO defense. “Listen,” said Kovalenko, “Russia isn’t going to stop at us just because you let us take all the punches. They’ll come for you, too. The only question is whether you’ll be ready—or whether you’ll still be arguing about missile delivery schedules.”

In Conclusion: A Brilliant Strategy—For Someone Else’s Problem

With Germany’s revolutionary new approach to security—“Let Ukraine keep fighting until we’re ready to think about doing something, maybe”—one can’t help but wonder: is this 4D chess or just strategic wishful thinking? One thing is for sure: if Kahl’s plan works, it will be the most successful game of ‘Not It!’ in modern history.

In Conclusion: A Brilliant Strategy—For Someone Else’s Problem

With Germany’s revolutionary new approach to security—“Let Ukraine keep fighting until we’re ready to think about doing something, maybe”—one can’t help but wonder: is this 4D chess or just strategic wishful thinking?

One thing is for sure: if Kahl’s plan works, it will be the most successful game of ‘Not It!’ in modern history.

Read also:

• “Germany to Begin Building First Taurus Missile in 2027, Possibly”
• “Putin’s New War Plans: Waiting for Germany to Finish a Single Meeting”
• “Nordic Countries and Poland to Germany: ‘Bro, Are You Even Trying?’”

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