(Click the link above to see the uncensored video on Rumble)
9:00 AM 🏰: Arrives at the Royal Commodities & Spinning Mill to find the Queen’s private secretary waiting in his office. “Her Majesty is concerned about your ‘cultural fit.’ Also, the Treasury wants to know why your office door has three different locks and a rune that translates roughly to ‘Auditors Shall Perish.’” He says nothing, just rotates the alignment of his spinning wheel to magnetic north. 🧲🔒
10:15 AM 👥: All-hands meeting in the vault. His senior spinners present Q3 results: gold output up 22%, straw-to-gold conversion latency reduced by 400 milliseconds. The Head of Risk Management raises a hand. “Sir, the ambient magical radiation in the纺纱 chamber is now at levels that cause minor mutations in local flora. The groundskeepers are requesting hazard pay.” Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t look up from his ledger. “Classify it as ‘Process Heat.’” 🌿⚠️☢️
11:45 AM ⚖️: The Queen’s legal team returns with revised contract language. “We’ve added a ‘Living Wage’ clause for any future firstborn acquisitions, mandatory quarterly DEI training for all summoned entities, and we need you to sign this attestation confirming you’ve never used straw sourced from cursed kingdoms.” He stares at the document. “My straw is ethically harvested. From non-sentient fields. Now get out.” The lawyers leave a binder titled “Preliminary Notice of Material Disputes.” 📚😑
1:00 PM 🥣: Lunch in the vault again. A junior alchemist has brought him soup, but it’s in a biodegradable bowl. “We’re trying to reduce single-use curse receptacles, sir.” He eats silently, watching the gold ingots pile up. They don’t smell like anything. He misses the smell of burning. 💚🧴
2:30 PM 🐉: Video call with the Dragon’s Union Local 409. They’ve submitted a new MOU requiring three business days’ notice before flame extraction, a ban on “surprise safety drills,” and a grievance clause if their hoards are photographed without consent. Rumpelstiltskin agrees to everything. He needs that breath by Thursday. 🐲📋🤝
4:00 PM 🕵️: Security brief. The name-guessing attempts have escalated. Someone in the castle kitchen claimed they heard “Rumpel-FORESKIN” during a trance dream. Threat level remains ELEVATED. He mandates all staff wear enchanted name tags that display a different fake name every sixty seconds. HR files a complaint about “unnecessary cognitive load.” He overrides it. 🏷️🔄🧠
5:30 PM 👶: Succession Planning Committee meeting. The firstborn acquisition roadmap has hit regulatory review. “We need to file an Environmental Impact Statement before initiating Phase 2,” his legal aide explains. “There are concerns about the carbon footprint of potion-resistance training.” Rumpelstiltskin closes his eyes for four full seconds. “Move the training to the ethereal plane. Zero emissions.” ✨🌍📄
7:00 PM 📊: Final review of the day. The Treasury has flagged a transaction labeled “Consulting Fees – Dimensional Entity.” They want a W-9 and proof of business purpose. He writes “Value Creation Strategy” in the memo field, initiates a cross-chain transfer to the offshore hoard, and watches the confirmation ping. The single strand of unspun straw still sits on his desk. He hasn’t moved it in seven years. 🧾💸🌾
7:03 PM 💨: His phone buzzes. “ALERT: Rumor detected. Threat level: CRITICAL. A serving maid has confirmed your name begins with ‘R’ and rhymes with ‘thimble-skin.’ Accuracy projection: 47%.” He stares at the straw. The smoke smells like something old. Like home. Or a contract. Hard to tell the difference anymore. 💨🏷️🏚️
Headline:
“I Saved the Economy With Illegal Magic. HR Says My Office Door Violates Fire Code.” 🧙♂️🔥📋 #Alchemy #WorkplaceCompliance #FirstbornProblems
Caption:
“They wanted 50% more gold by Friday. They got it. Now they’re asking for my receipts on ‘miscellaneous extradimensional labor.’ You can’t itemize a soul. Apparently that’s a tax gap.” 👑🧾😤 #Rumpelstiltskin #CorporateAlchemy #AuditSeason
Tags:
Rumpelstiltskin #Alchemy #CorporateSatire #FairyTaleFinance #Compliance #HumanResources #DragonUnion #SupplyChainCrisis #FirstbornAcquisition #TaxEvasion #OffshoreHoard #NameGuessing #RiskManagement #MedievalMBA #ESG #ProcessInnovation #GoldStandard #StrawIntoGold #ThreatLevelElevated 🧙♂️🧵📈👑⚖️🐉🔥🏷️
Bernd Pulch (M.A.) is a forensic expert, founder of Aristotle AI, entrepreneur, political commentator, satirist, and investigative journalist covering lawfare, media control, investment, real estate, and geopolitics. His work examines how legal systems are weaponized, how capital flows shape policy, how artificial intelligence concentrates power, and what democracy loses when courts and markets become battlefields.
🛑 BERND PULCH ARCHIVE | SECURE MIRROR 