🛰️💸 Christian Lindner, self-crowned Sky Chancellor of “Neoliberia,” surveys Europe from his golden floating tax haven — where champagne flows, startups are mandatory, and gravity is for the poor. ☁️🚁✨
🛰️🔥 CHRISTIAN LINDNER DECLARES “THE REPUBLIC OF NEOLIBERIA”: A FLOATING TAX HAVEN ABOVE EUROPE 💸☁️🚁
A brutal satire about ego, economics, and altitude sickness.
In an unexpected 4 A.M. announcement delivered from a hovering golden helicopter, Christian Lindner proclaimed the founding of his new micro-nation:
THE REPUBLIC OF NEOLIBERIA — a fully privatized floating island drifting above the EU at 12,000 meters, “far away from voters, consequences, and spreadsheets.”
Lindner, wearing aviator sunglasses and a parachute made from shredded coalition agreements, declared:
“Taxes cannot reach me here. Reality cannot reach me here. And, with luck, journalists neither.”
☁️ A Nation Built on Deregulation and Clouds
Neoliberia consists of:
- One gigantic luxury sky-platform
- Eight champagne fountains
- A runway shaped like a credit card
- Several floating billboards that say:
“WORK HARDER, PEASANTS.”
Lindner announced that Neoliberia’s constitution will be written entirely in Excel, with every citizen assigned a fiscal KPI at birth.
💸 Cabinet of the Sky-Elite
Lindner unveiled his ministers, all handpicked for ideological purity:
- Minister of Infinite Self-Confidence: Christian Lindner
- Minister of “Optimizing the Poor”: Also Christian Lindner
- Minister of Helicopter Fuel & Crypto: A drone with sunglasses
- Minister of Love: A mirror
When asked if anyone else would join his administration, Lindner replied:
“In principle yes. In practice no.”
🛩️ Neoliberia’s First Economic Policies
All laws were uploaded to the Cloud (literally).
- 🛫 Every citizen must launch at least one start-up a week.
- 💳 Cash is outlawed; only LindnerCoin is accepted.
- 🥂 Welfare is replaced by motivational speeches played through loudspeakers at dawn.
- 🪂 Anyone earning under €250,000 must parachute back to Germany immediately.
- 🏦 Banks may vote in elections. Humans may not.
🚨 Europe Reacts: Confusion, Anger, Mild Entertainment
EU officials expressed concern:
- France demanded airspace fees.
- Italy asked if the platform could at least offer good espresso.
- Germany sighed deeply and pretended to be underground.
When asked for comment, Lindner shouted from 12,000 meters:
“Let them regulate cake! I’m busy creating prosperity through altitude!”
🎬 The Dramatic Twist
Just before sunset, a giant digital banner unfurled across the platform:
“NEOLIBERIA — THE SKY IS THE LIMIT BECAUSE WE ELIMINATED THE FLOOR.”
Below, commuters in Berlin looked up and wondered why their Finance Minister was circling above them in a golden blimp yelling:
“BE RICHER!”
A child remarked,
“Mommy, why is the balloon screaming?”
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