樂 What does a $100B breakfast look like?
Precision. Data. And a single, perfectly measured almond.
#BillionaireLife #GatesSatire #PhilanthropyParody
🌅 5:00 AM: Optimized Wake-Up
· Wakes up without an alarm. His circadian rhythm is synced to the NASDAQ opening bell.
· Drinks exactly 2.7 oz of kale-celery juice. The glass is made from recycled Windows 95 CDs.
· First thought: “How do we ethically optimize sleep for the developing world?”
· Second thought: “Should I buy Iceland? Just to see if I can.”
🏃 6:30 AM: Data-Driven cardio
· Runs on a treadmill that powers a server farm for vaccine research.
· Each step generates 3.7 lines of code for eradicating polio.
· Wears a Fitbit connected to the WHO database. His heart rate spikes only when someone uses an iPhone.
🍳 8:00 AM: Breakfast of Champions (of Capitalism)
· Eats a nutrient paste formulated by AI to maximize efficiency.
· Uses a algorithmically calibrated spoon to avoid calorie waste.
· Reads The Economist while a hologram of Warren Buffett nods approvingly.
💼 9:30 AM: The “Philanthropy” Power Hour
· Attends a meeting about ending world hunger.
· Proposes solving it with “cloud-based soup.”
· Suggests using blockchain to track every grain of rice. “For transparency.”
· Fires an intern for suggesting that maybe… just maybe… people like bread.
👨💻 11:00 AM: Code Review
· Logs into a secret GitHub repository called “Project Heaven.”
· Re-writes a malaria-tracking algorithm because the font was “morally inconsistent.”
· Rejects a PR titled “Let Them Eat Cake” with the comment: “Too on-the-nose. Try ‘Nutrient-Dense Cake-Alternative.’”
🤝 1:00 PM: Lunch with a World Leader
· Eats a single almond while a president begs for funding.
· “I’ll donate $500 million… if you rename your country ‘Microsoft Nation.’”
· Smiles in a way that’s 37% friendly, 63% antitrust violation.
📊 3:30 PM: Efficiency Audit
· Reviews his own life choices in an Excel spreadsheet.
· Discovers that smiling for more than 4.2 seconds per day is “inefficient.”
· Schedules a software update for his personality.
🍷 7:00 PM: Dinner
· Serves lab-grown chicken that clucks in binary.
· The wine is from a vineyard he bought just to prove he could make it carbon-negative.
· Conversation topic: “How to rebrand humanity as Version 2.0.”
🌙 9:00 PM: Wind-Down
· Reads a bedtime story to his children: “The Art of the Tax-Deductible Donation.”
· Prays to a framed portrait of a perfectly optimized supply chain.
· Dreams in PowerPoint.
💀 FINAL THOUGHT:
“If I can’t code it, it’s not a real problem.”
🔖 TAGS:
BillGatesSatire #PhilanthropyParody #TechBillionaire #MicrosoftHumor #EfficiencyOverEverything #CloudBasedSoup #AIDrivenCharity
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