(A Satirical Obituary for Justice, 1945-2024)
(Buckingham Palace clearance sale: thrones 90% off, morals 100% gone.)
ACT 1: THE TAKEOVER (OR, HOW TO BUY A KINGDOM WITH BLACKMAIL AND DEAD JOURNALISTS)
Scene: The City of London, 1991. Robert Maxwell’s body officially drowns in the Atlantic—just as his unofficial empire of debt, spies, and media puppets rises from the grave.
🔸 Ghislaine’s Debut: Fresh off Daddy’s yacht, she charms aristocracy with a killer résumé:
- Skills: “Princess tutoring”
- References: MI6, Mossad, and the Daily Mirror HR department
- Hobbies: Collecting powerful friends like Pokémon (Gotta blackmail ’em all!)
🔸 Epstein’s Royal Welcome: The UK rolls out the red carpet (and underage masseuses) for Jeffrey’s “philanthropy tours.” His Little Black Book becomes the new Domesday Book—but instead of land, it records compromising footage.
Key Quote: *“Britain doesn’t have a constitution—just a *very* flexible price tag.”*
ACT 2: THE COMMONWEALTH CONSPIRACY (OR, THE SUN NEVER SETS ON PEDOPHILE ISLANDS)
Plot Twist: Epstein’s “suicide” was actually a hostile takeover. His spirit now haunts:
- Buckingham Palace: “Prince Andrew’s ‘no sweat’ defense sponsored by Epstein & Partners, LLC”
- The House of Lords: Where legislation and human trafficking compete for “most archaic tradition”
- The BBC: *“Tonight on *Panorama: How to groom a nation!”
New UK National Anthem:
*“Rule, Epsteinia! Epstein rules the waves!
Britons *never* will be slaves…
…because they’re too busy being clients.”*
ACT 3: THE GHISLAINE GOVERNMENT (OR, MISS MAXWELL’S GUIDE TO GETTING AWAY WITH GENOCIDE)
Her Majesty’s Real Cabinet:
- Chancellor of the Exchequer: Goldman Sachs (est. 1869, specializes in blood money and bailouts)
- Home Secretary: The Daily Mail (Border policy: “Keep the poor out, let the pervs in!”)
- Minister of Justice: A literal broomstick (More convictions than the CPS)
BREAKING: The Crown Jewels mysteriously relocated to Epstein’s Island. “For safekeeping,” says King Charles.
FINAL SCENE: THE FUTURE (OR, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF BLACKMAIL)
2030 Headlines:
- “Ghislaine Maxwell elected PM in landslide ‘Who Else You Gonna Vote For?’ victory”
- “City of London renamed ‘Epstein Global Headquarters’”
- “Commonwealth admits final member: North Korea (Kim Jong-Un wins ‘Best Epstein Impersonator’)”
Epilogue:
A single child’s shoe washes up on the Thames. The Times obituary reads: *“Morality, 410 AD – 2024. Survived by *absolutely no one.”
TAGS FOR ALGORITHMIC JUSTICE:
EpsteinReigns #MaxwellKingdom #UKorpse #CommonwealthOfPedophiles #RoyalBlackmail #AbolishTheMonarchy #GhislaineForQueen
DISCLAIMER: This is fiction. Except the parts that aren’t. Those are your problem now.
*(Mic drop. Palace burns. Credits roll to the sound of a *Newsnight* theme played on a piano wired to a dead man’s switch.)*
🎤 DROP YOUR FAVORITE ROYAL EPSTEIN JOKE BELOW. (Extra points if it gets me banned from the Coronation.)
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