📜 THE BOOK OF COLUMBIA – A Revelation in the Land of the Eagle

Bernd Pulch ART, BERND PULCH, CLOWN SHOW, COMEDY, PARODY, SATIRE August 3, 2025August 3, 2025 3 Minutes

🔥 “In the twilight of the eagle, even the printer becomes scripture and every dollar a burning verse.”

📜 Chapter 1 – The First Tweet of Doom

1 📅 And it came to pass in the two-and-fortieth year of the third millennium, that the land of 🇺🇸 Columbia waxed fat upon 🍔 cheeseburgers, 🛢️ fracked gas, and 📊 24-hour leverage.
2 🐍 Yet the elders spake not of the debt-dragon coiled beneath the 💵 Treasury, until the dragon hissed: “I am $35 trillion, devourer of 🧓 Social Security.”
3 🤷‍♂️ And the people answered with a great scrolling: “But our 📺 reality-show shepherd promises 🚀 more winning tomorrow.”
4 🕳️ And the FED’s printer looked upon the meme-stocks and saw they were 📈 green, and therefore brrrrred louder, and the abyss was monetized.

🏗️ Chapter 2 – The Tower of the Fed-eral Reserve

1 🏦 Then the wise men of 🏛️ Eccleston built a tower of 💸 green paper reaching unto the ☁️ debt ceiling.
2 📢 “Let us print high-frequency liquidity,” they proclaimed, “so that no bank may fall, only soar.”
3 💥 But while they yet repo-ed, the yield curve inverted, and the tower’s base read: “Negative real yields ahead.”
4 🌪️ And the tower shook, and the tongues of the analysts were confounded into 🤖 algorithmic noise none could decipher.

🌬️ Chapter 3 – The Parting of the Supply Chains

1 🚢 A wind from 🌏 the East stilled the ports of Long Beach, and the containers piled like Babylonian bricks.
2 ✂️ Semiconductors vanished, baby formula dried, and 🥃 bourbon became manna for the urban tribes.
3 🥶 The people cried, “Give us 🧻 toilet paper!” – prophets answered, “Use 📰 old tariffs instead.”
4 🧻 And the shelves were bare, yet the Amazon vans circled like drones of hope.

🐄 Chapter 4 – The Golden Calf of Stonks

1 🐄 And lo, a calf appeared, wrought not of gold but of 📈 SPY calls, stamped with the 🐻 face of Jerome.
2 🙇‍♂️ Millions bowed, chanting, “This calf shall moon forever, and we shall diamond-hand till Valhalla.”
3 🐂 The calf grew into a bull, then 🦍 meme-Godzilla, devouring short sellers, roaring: “To the moon!”
4 🏛️ And the SEC lifted eyes unto Capitol Hill, but Hill was busy insider-trading.

🗣️ Chapter 5 – The Prophet Cathie’s Lament

1 🏜️ The voice of Cathie cried in the wilderness of TSLA:
“Prepare ye the 🚀 Ark of Innovation!
Your 🦴 boomer bonds shall become 🪄 NFT kindling!”
2 🙉 The people covered ears with AirPods, vibing to 🎧 loss-porn podcasts.

🍽️ Chapter 6 – The Last Supper of the ICE

1 🍽️ Twelve automakers sat at one charging station; Ford dipped ⚡ EV plans and said:
“Verily, the 🏭 margin is negative.”
2 ⚡ Immediately subsidies were yanked, combustion engines were smote, and 🛻 pickup trucks ascended into collectors’ heavens.
3 🐓 Elon crowed thrice – once for 🇺🇸 Texas, once for 🇨🇳 Shanghai, once for 🪐 Mars.

🧨 Chapter 7 – Revelation of the Printer

1 👁️ I saw 7 seals broken upon 🏛️ Capitol Hill:
1) Debt ceiling infinity ♾️
2) Inflation at 40-year highs 📈
3) Trust in institutions legislation 🐦
5) Satire mistaken for news 📺
6) News mistaken for satire 🤡
7) 🖨️ Printer go brrrr forever.
2 🗣️ The printer spake: *“I was only ever QE, but the *faith was already paper-thin.”
3 😭 And *🦅 Columbia* wept, but not in English, for the language had meme-ified into emojis.

🚶‍♂️ Chapter 8 – Exodus of the Middle

1 🚶‍♂️ Millennials & Zoomers fled 🏠 coast-to-coast on 💻 Wi-Fi wings.
2 👴 Boomers remained, clutching 📺 cable remotes like scepters of yore.
3 🗓️ Committees multiplied hearings into infinity, and infinity into campaign ads.
4 🖋️ The LORD of Algorithms wrote on the 📱 feed:
“Mene, Mene, TikTok, Up-vote – and a $9.99 delivery fee.”

🌱 Epilogue – A New Columbian Covenant

1 🌄 From the ashes of 🗽 Wall Street arose a crypto-voice:
“Lo, we mint anew, but this time 🪙 on-chain.”
2 👥 The people answered, “We’ve hodled this promise before, and shall ape in again till the next rug-pull.”
3 🔄 And the cycle rolled on, predictable as 📺 Super Bowl ads, yet surprising as 🌪️ January 6th.
4 🦅 Amen, and **pass the *🎆 fireworks*.

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