📜 THE BOOK OF ALBION – A Canterbury Collapse in Seven Seals
📜 Chapter 1 – The First Plague of Fog
1 📅 And it came to pass in the third year of the seventh decade of Elizabeth the Second, that the realm of 🇬🇧 Albion grew sleek upon 🍟 curry sauce, 💷 London property, and 📉 polite sarcasm.
2 🐍 Yet beneath the 👑 Crown Jewels coiled the debt-wyrm, hissing: “I am £3 trillion, devourer of 🧓 triple-locked pensions.”
3 ☕ The people answered over teacups: “Surely the 🎩 Chancellor’s red box will magic this away after elevenses.”
4 🌫️ And the Bank of England looked upon the gilt market and declared QE forever, and the fog thickened.
🏗️ Chapter 2 – The Tower of PFI-Babel
1 🧱 Then the wise men of Whitehall built a tower of PFI contracts reaching unto ☁️ spreadsheet heaven.
2 📢 “Let us outsource unto infinity,” they proclaimed, “so that no hospital shall open on budget.”
3 💥 But while they yet signed away decades, the maintenance clauses multiplied like locusts, and the tower’s base read: “Interest rate swap = eternal servitude.”
4 🌪️ And the tower groaned, and the tongues of the consultants were confounded into KPI gibberish none could audit.
🌬️ Chapter 3 – The Parting of the Channel
1 🌊 A wind from Calais stilled the lorries of Dover, and the queues stretched like Roman roads.
2 ✂️ Lettuce vanished, turkey chilled, and 🍺 pub pints became nectar for the stranded.
3 🥶 The people cried, “Give us 🥖 croissants!” – prophets answered, “Use sovereignty instead.”
4 🧻 And the shelves were bare, yet Union Jack stickers multiplied upon empty shelves.
🐄 Chapter 4 – The Golden Calf of Surging House Prices
1 🐄 And lo, a calf appeared, wrought not of gold but of 🏡 average £500 k semis, stamped with the 🏦 face of Nationwide.
2 🙇♂️ Millions bowed, chanting, “This calf shall moon forever, and we shall remortgage till death.”
3 🐂 The calf grew into a bull, then 🦍 stampeding Minotaur, devouring first-time buyers, roaring: “Location, location, location!”
4 🏛️ And the Bank of Mum & Dad lifted eyes unto Threadneedle Street, but Threadneedle was busy stress-testing stress tests.
🗣️ Chapter 5 – The Prophet Carney’s Lament
1 🏜️ The voice of Carney cried in the wilderness of Threadneedle:
“Prepare ye the 🫖 inflation kettle!
Your 🏦 sterling shall become 🪙 crypto confetti!”
2 🙉 The people covered ears with BBC podcasts, binge-listened to 🎧 Bake-Off reruns.
🍽️ Chapter 6 – The Last Supper of the Pub
1 🍽️ Twelve landlords sat at one sticky table; Wetherspoon dipped 🍺 pints and said:
“Verily, the 📉 margin is thin, and business rates are locusts.”
2 ⚡ Immediately furlough ended, kegs were dry, and 🎱 pub quizzes ascended into Zoom purgatory.
3 🐓 Cockney crowed thrice – once for 🇪🇺 Brexit, once for 🦠 Covid, once for 🧑💻 WFH.
🧨 Chapter 7 – Revelation of the Printer
1 👁️ I saw 7 seals broken upon 🏛️ Westminster:
1) Debt ceiling suspended ♾️
2) Inflation at 40-year highs 📈
3) Trust in institutions manifestos 🐦
5) Satire mistaken for policy 🎭
6) Policy mistaken for satire 🤡
7) 🖨️ Printer in Threadneedle go brrrrr forever.
2 🗣️ The printer spake: *“I was only ever QE, but the *faith was already paper-thin.”
3 😭 And *🦁 Albion* wept, but not in English, for the language had emoji-fied into 🇬🇧🇪🇺🔥.
🚶♂️ Chapter 8 – Exodus of the Middle Class
1 🚶♂️ Graduates & nurses fled 🏠 London zones on 💻 remote-work visas.
2 👴 Boomers remained, clutching 📺 TV licences like relics of empire.
3 🗓️ Commissions multiplied inquiries into infinity, and infinity into honours lists.
4 🖋️ The LORD of Algorithms wrote on the 📱 feed:
“Mene, Mene, Brexit, Up-vote – plus £3.50 delivery fee.”
🌱 Epilogue – A New Columbian Covenant
1 🌄 From the ashes of 💂♂️ Tower Bridge arose a crypto-voice:
“Lo, we mint anew, but this time 🪙 on the blockchain of Britannia.”
2 👥 The people answered, “We’ve hodled this promise before, and shall queue again till the next Jubilee.”
3 🔄 And the cycle rolled on, predictable as 📺 Royal weddings, yet surprising as 🌧️ British summer.
4 🦁 Amen, and **pass the *☕ tea* and 🍪 biscuit.
📜 Chapter 1 – The First Plague of Fog
1 📅 And it came to pass in the third year of the seventh decade of Elizabeth the Second, that the realm of 🇬🇧 Albion grew sleek upon 🍟 curry sauce, 💷 London property, and 📉 polite sarcasm.
2 🐍 Yet beneath the 👑 Crown Jewels coiled the debt-wyrm, hissing: “I am £3 trillion, devourer of 🧓 triple-locked pensions.”
3 ☕ The people answered over teacups: “Surely the 🎩 Chancellor’s red box will magic this away after elevenses.”
4 🌫️ And the Bank of England looked upon the gilt market and declared QE forever, and the fog thickened.
🏗️ Chapter 2 – The Tower of PFI-Babel
1 🧱 Then the wise men of Whitehall built a tower of PFI contracts reaching unto ☁️ spreadsheet heaven.
2 📢 “Let us outsource unto infinity,” they proclaimed, “so that no hospital shall open on budget.”
3 💥 But while they yet signed away decades, the maintenance clauses multiplied like locusts, and the tower’s base read: “Interest rate swap = eternal servitude.”
4 🌪️ And the tower groaned, and the tongues of the consultants were confounded into KPI gibberish none could audit.
🌬️ Chapter 3 – The Parting of the Channel
1 🌊 A wind from Calais stilled the lorries of Dover, and the queues stretched like Roman roads.
2 ✂️ Lettuce vanished, turkey chilled, and 🍺 pub pints became nectar for the stranded.
3 🥶 The people cried, “Give us 🥖 croissants!” – prophets answered, “Use sovereignty instead.”
4 🧻 And the shelves were bare, yet Union Jack stickers multiplied upon empty shelves.
🐄 Chapter 4 – The Golden Calf of Surging House Prices
1 🐄 And lo, a calf appeared, wrought not of gold but of 🏡 average £500 k semis, stamped with the 🏦 face of Nationwide.
2 🙇♂️ Millions bowed, chanting, “This calf shall moon forever, and we shall remortgage till death.”
3 🐂 The calf grew into a bull, then 🦍 stampeding Minotaur, devouring first-time buyers, roaring: “Location, location, location!”
4 🏛️ And the Bank of Mum & Dad lifted eyes unto Threadneedle Street, but Threadneedle was busy stress-testing stress tests.
🗣️ Chapter 5 – The Prophet Carney’s Lament
1 🏜️ The voice of Carney cried in the wilderness of Threadneedle:
“Prepare ye the 🫖 inflation kettle!
Your 🏦 sterling shall become 🪙 crypto confetti!”
2 🙉 The people covered ears with BBC podcasts, binge-listened to 🎧 Bake-Off reruns.
🍽️ Chapter 6 – The Last Supper of the Pub
1 🍽️ Twelve landlords sat at one sticky table; Wetherspoon dipped 🍺 pints and said:
“Verily, the 📉 margin is thin, and business rates are locusts.”
2 ⚡ Immediately furlough ended, kegs were dry, and 🎱 pub quizzes ascended into Zoom purgatory.
3 🐓 Cockney crowed thrice – once for 🇪🇺 Brexit, once for 🦠 Covid, once for 🧑💻 WFH.
🧨 Chapter 7 – Revelation of the Printer
1 👁️ I saw 7 seals broken upon 🏛️ Westminster:
1) Debt ceiling suspended ♾️
2) Inflation at 40-year highs 📈
3) Trust in institutions manifestos 🐦
5) Satire mistaken for policy 🎭
6) Policy mistaken for satire 🤡
7) 🖨️ Printer in Threadneedle go brrrrr forever.
2 🗣️ The printer spake: *“I was only ever QE, but the *faith was already paper-thin.”
3 😭 And *🦁 Albion* wept, but not in English, for the language had emoji-fied into 🇬🇧🇪🇺🔥.
🚶♂️ Chapter 8 – Exodus of the Middle Class
1 🚶♂️ Graduates & nurses fled 🏠 London zones on 💻 remote-work visas.
2 👴 Boomers remained, clutching 📺 TV licences like relics of empire.
3 🗓️ Commissions multiplied inquiries into infinity, and infinity into honours lists.
4 🖋️ The LORD of Algorithms wrote on the 📱 feed:
“Mene, Mene, Brexit, Up-vote – plus £3.50 delivery fee.”
🌱 Epilogue – A New Columbian Covenant
1 🌄 From the ashes of 💂♂️ Tower Bridge arose a crypto-voice:
“Lo, we mint anew, but this time 🪙 on the blockchain of Britannia.”
2 👥 The people answered, “We’ve hodled this promise before, and shall queue again till the next Jubilee.”
3 🔄 And the cycle rolled on, predictable as 📺 Royal weddings, yet surprising as 🌧️ British summer.
4 🦁 Amen, and **pass the *☕ tea* and 🍪 biscuit.
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