🐉 “The Emperor’s New Surveillance: Xi’s China as a 5G Disneyland of Drones, Databases, and Dictatorship”✌

Bernd Pulch ART, BERND PULCH, CLOWN SHOW, COMEDY, ENTERTAINMENT, PARODY, SATIRE July 25, 2025July 25, 2025 3 Minutes

We uploaded the video twice in case of Chinese DDOS Attacks or Censorship.

✌

🐉 The Truth About China – Too Real for State TV, Too Funny for Censors 🇨🇳💣📜

Welcome to BerndPulch.org, where the Great Firewall is just another punchline, and we leak what Beijing buries.

🎙️ In this 15-second dark comedy transmission, Bernd Pulch delivers what no party official wants you to hear: the inconvenient, redacted, and often absurd truth about China. From ghost cities and debt traps to digital surveillance and panda diplomacy—nothing is sacred, especially the CCP.

💻 Uncensor your curiosity:
👉 https://berndpulch.org
☕ Fuel the resistance:
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⚠️ Warning: Contains leaked facts, satire, and high-voltage geopolitics. May be illegal in 1.4 billion homes.

🏷️ Tags for Engagement & Discovery:

#BerndPulch #ChinaExposed #DarkSatire #CCPLeaks #TruthAboutChina #GeoComedy #ChinaCensorship #berndpulchorg #WhistleblowerAsia #GreatFirewallOfLOL #ForbiddenFiles #SatiricalGeopolitics

🉐 **ILLUMINATED AUTOCRACY: When Xi Jinping Becomes Your Interior Designer** 🏮🎭
A surreal portrait of power, parody, and paranoia — where surveillance chic meets dynastic delusion. Totalitarianism has never looked this… *feng shui*. 📸🇨🇳🔥
#Satire #XiJinping #ChinaParody #AuthoritarianAesthetics #TotalitarianChic #PoliticalCartoon #CinematicSatire #DigitalDystopia #OrwellianStyle #WordPressCaptions

🐼💼 “XI’S MAGICAL MANDATE MACHINE™ — NOW WITH EXTRA SURVEILLANCE!”

An Ultra-Irritating Autocracy Fairytale ✨🇨🇳

🏮 Once upon a time in the People’s Republic of Pretend Harmony™,

A bold emperor named Xi Jinping discovered a mythical device:
💡 The Magical Mandate Machine™ – it runs on censored dreams, confiscated passports, and the crushed hopes of real estate investors.

Every morning, Xi wakes up to a mirror that shouts:

“Yes, Supreme Pooh! The people totally adore you!”
Even though the people are:
☑️ Not allowed to vote
☑️ Too scared to sneeze online
☑️ Mostly wondering where their Evergrande deposits went

🛰️ SURVEILLANCE STATE SYMPHONY

Xi’s bedtime music?
A 12-hour TikTok symphony powered by:
📷 1.4 billion cameras
📵 1.3 billion censored phones
🤖 AI that flags you if you yawn too sarcastically during a speech

🏗️ THE ZERO-FUN POLICY™

Under Xi’s glorious command:
• Clapping too slow = sedition
• Questioning GDP numbers = Western propaganda
• Watching Winnie the Pooh = treason punishable by forced calligraphy lessons

🧠 THOUGHT REFORM 2.0™

Xi’s latest initiative?
MANDATORY DAILY XI QUOTES IN TOILET STALLS 🚽

“Let the Party flush your doubts away!”

Schools replaced math with “Advanced Mao Quoting & Military Marching.”
Kindergarten kids now recite:

“Xi is wise, Xi is tall,
Xi will build a firewall.”

🧱 THE BELT AND ROAD… TO BANKRUPTCY

China built railways to nowhere, ports for ghost ships, and debt traps disguised as aid.
But hey — the global south now has Wi-Fi and surveillance towers shaped like panda hugs.

🐘🫖 THE GEOPOLITICAL TEA PARTY

Xi sits at a global chessboard with:
♟️ Putin (on loan from the Gulag)
♟️ Iran’s Ayatollah (brings snacks)
♟️ A confused BRICS intern named Lula

They all chant:

“Down with the Dollar! Up with… digital yuan-ish chaos!”

Meanwhile, Xi’s military rehearses liberating clouds over Taiwan, and his navy is busy annexing puddles in the South China Sea.

🔥 THE FINAL MESSAGE FROM THE DRAGON’S DEN

“I am not a dictator,” Xi whispered into 400 microphones while banning sarcasm in Mandarin.

And somewhere in Beijing, a brave soul blinked twice in Morse code:

“Send memes. We’re out of VPNs.”

🎯 CALL TO ACTION:

💥 Share this before it gets social credit–blocked
🧧 Donate a firewall-smasher at BerndPulch.org
🐉 Tag a dictator who needs a bedtime story and a reality check

🔖 Tags:

#XiLeaks #CensorshipOpera #WinnieTheReign #BeltAndRope #AutocratASMR #SurveillanceSatire #BerndPulch

当然可以。以下是**《习近平的神奇皇权机™》的中文讽刺翻译**（保留原文的尖锐和幽默风格）：

🐼💼 《习近平的神奇皇权机™ — 附带超强监控系统！》

一个令人牙酸的极权童话故事 ✨🇨🇳

🏮 很久很久以前，在一个叫做“假装和谐人民共和国™”的地方，

一位伟大的皇帝名叫习近平，
他发现了一台神秘机器：
💡 神奇皇权机™ — 以梦想审查、护照没收、烂尾楼血泪为燃料运转。

每天早上，习大大面对镜子，镜子都会喊：

“至高无上的习主席，人民无限热爱您！”
虽然人民实际上：
☑️ 不能投票
☑️ 不敢上网吐槽
☑️ 还在为恒大爆雷流泪

🛰️ 天眼协奏曲

习主席的晚安音乐？
由以下组成：
📷 14亿个摄像头同步演奏
📵 13亿台被监控的手机齐声和鸣
🤖 人脸识别AI：你的讽刺性哈欠将被实时上报

🏗️ “零乐趣”政策™

在习的“恩泽”下：
• 鼓掌速度慢 = 煽动颠覆
• 质疑GDP = 境外敌对势力
• 看维尼熊 = 涉嫌恶意影射国家领导人

🧠 思想改造2.0™

最新举措：
🚽 “厕所必读：习近平语录”

“冲掉怀疑，接收正确思想！”

学校数学课被替换为：
《高级毛语录与正步走训练》
幼儿园的孩子齐声背诵：

“习主席，最英明，
防火墙里我最行！”

🧱 “一带一路”… 通往债务陷阱

中国在全球建了：
✈️ 飞机场没人飞
⚓ 港口只剩风
🏗️ 铁路修进沙漠
结果非洲朋友现在有了5G信号和24小时全天候监控。

🐘🫖 地缘政治茶话会

习主席围坐全球象棋盘，旁边是：
♟️ 普京（从劳改营请假来）
♟️ 伊朗的领袖（带了大枣和榨菜）
♟️ 一脸懵的巴西代表（还以为是开奥运会）

他们一起喊：

“美元必亡！人民币走起！咱先印个稳定币！”

与此同时，解放军在演练“解放台湾云层”，海军则在“南海水坑”里打水漂。

🔥 来自龙椅深处的最后广播

“我不是独裁者。”——习近平在400个麦克风前低声说，随后下令“禁止讽刺语气”。

而北京某个角落，一个不知死活的程序员用摩斯电码眨了两下眼：

“发点表情包吧，我们的VPN炸了。”

🎯 行动起来：

💥 在社交信用系统封锁你之前转发！
🧧 在 BerndPulch.org 捐赠“翻墙神器”
🐉 点名你身边需要“思想洗涤”和“现实闹钟”的人

🔖 标签（Tags）：

#习语录 #天眼帝国 #维尼大人 #债务外交 #中国特色封神榜 #数字龙帝国 #讽刺中国梦 #BerndPulch

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