Dateline: Butner, NC — 02:02 a.m. EST, July 13 2025.
A janitor rebooting Bernie Madoff’s seized Dell laser-jet hears it beep once—and out slides a single sheet emblazoned with the words:
“BITCOIN 2.0
Supply: 21 billion
Backed by: Pure Regret™”
SEC Chair Gensler, mid-meditation on CNBC, tweets a screenshot at 02:03. Coinbase lists the blank page as $REGRET/USDT at $47,000 by 02:05. Elon Musk changes his 𝕏 bio to “#RegretMaxi” at 02:06. The printer? Still warm.
📊 LIVE CHART (refreshes faster than ethics):
02:02 — Sheet exits printer.
02:03 — SEC emergency S-1 declares it “not a security, but a vibe.”
02:04 — Robinhood options chain opens (expiry: 02:10).
02:05 — ETF filings from BlackRock, Fidelity, and a Delaware LLC named “Yolo Capital 69.”
02:06 — Printer jams. Supply cap mysteriously doubles to 42 billion. Market cap = Italy GDP.
🧾 Leaked Prospectus Highlights
- “Use of Funds: 95 % will be used to purchase more printers.”
- “Auditor: Blockbuster Video (rest in pieces).”
- “Risk Factors: Paper cuts.”
🪦 White Paper (single sentence):
“Trust me, bro.”
🛑 BERND PULCH ARCHIVE | SECURE MIRROR 