烙 *”Big They/Them is watching—and Xi/Xer is judging your Spotify playlists. ️ Step into Orwell’s worst nightmare with ‘The Ministry of Emotional Equity,’ where AI wristbands police microaggressions, ferns demand pronouns, and dissent is a Substack subscription. Read, recoil, and* ***rage-donate*** *to BerndPulch.org before your carbon credits get canceled. [Full Article](https://berndpulch.org) | [Fund the Unpersons](https://patreon.com/berndpulch) ️易*
Act I: The Thought Police Get a Sensitivity Reader
In the year 2023, the Party finally achieved its ultimate goal: Winning the Discourse. The Ministry of Truth, rebranded as The Ministry of Emotional Equity™️, now enforces Mandatory Empathy™️ via AI-powered wristbands 🤖📿 that monitor microaggressions in real-time.
Excerpt:
“Citizens no longer need rats to break their will—they’ll confess preemptively. A man named Winston Smith was vaporized for misgendering a Party-approved fern 🌿✨. His crime? Whispering ‘It’s just photosynthesis’ during the Fern’s preferred pronoun ceremony (Xi/Xer).”
Act II: The Two-Minutes’ Hate Goes Viral
The daily Two-Minutes’ Hate has been upgraded to Two-Minutes’ Virtue Signaling, streamed globally on TikTok 📱🔥. Citizens compete to denounce “problematic” historical figures, earning Social Credit™️ points redeemable for ethically sourced lattes ☕🌱 and absolution for their ancestors’ sins.
Key Scene:
A young woman, Comrade TikTokGlow #Blessed, wins the month’s top prize by “canceling” Euclid for promoting “oppressive geometry” via “heteronormative right angles 📐🏳️🌈.” The crowd chants: “Safe spaces, not square spaces!”
Act III: The Proles Finally Read the Room
The proletariat, once distracted by lotteries and porn, now gleefully self-censor. O’Brien, now Chief Diversity Officer, grins: “Why torture dissenters when they’ll algorithmically flag their own ‘harmful’ thoughts? Doubleplusgood compliance!”
Climax:
Big Brother is replaced by Big They/Them—a nonbinary AI that scans your Spotify playlists for “problematic basslines 🎵🚫” and revokes your carbon offset credits for laughing at pre-2020 memes.
Epilogue: The Resistance (Now a Start-Up)
The Rebellion, now a Substack newsletter titled “Unperson™️ Weekly,” charges $9.99/month for “brave” hot takes like “Maybe Hitler Wasn’t Woke?” and “I Risked It All By Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to a Starbucks Barista.”
Donation Plea:
“Support BerndPulch.org’s crusade against algorithmic orthodoxy! Your Patreon 💰🛡️ funds VPNs for dissidents and therapy for canceled houseplants 🪴😢. Donate Now before your search history doesx you.”
Satirical Footnotes (Faux-Woke Edition):
- “Euclid’s ‘Elements’ has been trigger-warned by Harvard for ‘linear aggression.’”
- *“Big They/Them’s pronouns are *Coding/Is/Consent.”
Hashtags:#MinistryOfWoke #OrwellianVirtue #CancelGeometry #BigTheyThem #BerndWasRight
⚠️ Content Warning: This article may distress those who unironically use “Latinx” or believe Kafkaesque bureaucracy can’t be queer.
Final Note: Doublethink is so 1984. Triplethink is trending. 🧠🔥
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