—
“May 1st and the White Witch of Jamaica: A Kilgore Trout Field Report from the Edge of Empire”
By Kurt Vonnegut (via the fried antennae of Kilgore Trout)
It was May Day. ๐ ๏ธโ๏ธ๐ All across the smog-smeared globe, workers were marching, yelling, and celebrating the concept of labor by refusing to do any. Somewhere in Bavaria, a politician in lederhosen made a speech so dull that cows wept. ๐๐ค
But I, Kilgore Trout, intergalactic failure and part-time fiction smuggler, had more urgent matters. I was on a classified assignment: investigate the sudden reappearance of the White Witch of Jamaicaโan ethereal force wrapped in voodoo, Vatican stock options, and vintage CIA perfume. ๐งโโ๏ธ๐ด๐๐ฏ๏ธ๐ธ
Scene One: Arrival at Goathead Bluff
I landed in Jamaica in a rented UFO disguised as a Ryanair flight. ๐ธโ๏ธ Customs didnโt careโone agent just asked if I had brought more “witch-coin.” ๐ช๐ช
In the jungle, under a burning moon ๐๐ฅ, I found her. The White Witch. A pale woman in a cloak made of IMF bailout documents and European arrest warrants. ๐งพ๐๐ถ
She greeted me in five languages, none of them human. Her parrot screamed, “Inflation is theft!” ๐ฆ๐
Scene Two: The Witch Explains the May Day Curse
โYou think this is about workers, don’t you?โ she sneered, brewing something that smelled like Reagan’s sweat and Tesla short positions. ๐งช๐
โMay Day was co-opted by hedge-fund druids and ESG witches. Now, each time a worker waves a red flag, somewhere a banker gets a bonus.โ ๐ฐ๐งโโ๏ธโ๏ธ๐ฉ
She handed me a scroll. It was encrypted in emojis and blood. The message was clear:
“Capital has eaten the revolution and asked for seconds.” ๐ต๐ฝ๏ธ๐ค
Scene Three: Escape from the Crypto Carnival
Suddenly, the jungle lit up with holographic Lenin clones and NFT goblins offering union discounts. ๐ง ๐ฒ๐ช
“Run!” the parrot yelled. “They’re about to sacrifice Bernie Sanders for clickbait!” ๐ฅ๐๐
I escaped through a wormhole shaped like the IRS logo. ๐๐ The White Witch whispered, โTell them, Trout. Or donโt. Theyโll laugh either way.โ ๐คก๐ซ
Epilogue: May 2nd, in a Fox News Segment
Back in New Jersey, I watched as pundits declared May Day a successโfor shareholder morale. ๐บ๐ณ๐
Somewhere, deep in a Swiss vault, the White Witch laughed and cast a spell to make Lagarde forget her PIN. ๐ช๐ฆ๐งโโ๏ธ๐ฅ
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