As chronicled by Douglas Adams (or someone very much like him)
Chapter 1: How to Stumble Upwards in an Infinite Bureaucracy
In the grand and baffling cosmos of European politics, where decisions are made by committees, subcommittees, and the subcommittees of subcommittees, there exists a most peculiar lifeform: Ursula von der Leyen.
Ursula (known to close friends, political adversaries, and confused voters simply as Uschi) is a creature of vast bureaucratic resilience. Born on planet Hannover in the German sector of the European quadrant, she quickly developed an uncanny ability to rise through ranks of power while simultaneously avoiding the troublesome burden of noticeable achievement.
Her early political career in Germany consisted largely of inventing problems that no one had previously considered problems, and then introducing solutions that somehow made those problems significantly worse. This, of course, made her highly qualified for leadership at the European level, where such an approach is not just encouraged but practically a hiring requirement.
Chapter 2: The Galactic Art of Failing Upwards
Before ascending to her throne at the European Commission, Uschi held the prestigious position of Germany’s Minister of Defense—a role which she approached with the enthusiasm of a toddler handed control of a spaceship. Under her watchful eye, German tanks failed to tank, German planes failed to plane, and German soldiers were left wondering why their boots seemed to dissolve in the rain.
The military, in its wisdom, decided that the best way to improve its combat readiness was to spend billions of euros on consulting firms that ultimately concluded that the best course of action was to spend more billions of euros on more consulting firms.
This went so well that it only made sense to promote her further.
Chapter 3: Europe’s Most Supreme, Almost Democratically Elected Leader
In 2019, Ursula von der Leyen was thrust into the position of President of the European Commission, mostly because nobody could agree on anyone else and the only alternative was selecting an actual human with real ideas.
Her appointment was hailed as a triumph of European democracy, in much the same way that being handed a sandwich filled with broken glass would be considered a triumph of the culinary arts. The European Parliament, that esteemed body of elected representatives, had no say in this decision—because, much like the plot of a particularly bad sci-fi novel, the fate of half a billion people was decided by a few people behind closed doors who weren’t entirely sure how they got there either.
Chapter 4: Making Europe More European, One Regulation at a Time
With power firmly in her grasp, Uschi embarked on her grand mission: to make Europe more regulated than ever before. If there was a thing that could be taxed, monitored, restricted, or wrapped in red tape, she would find it.
Her crowning achievement? The Green Deal, a plan so ambitious that it threatened to make life in Europe completely unlivable for anyone who wasn’t a climate consultant. Under her vision, factories would close, farmers would revolt, and businesses would spontaneously combust under the sheer weight of paperwork required to apply for an environmental compliance certificate.
When faced with criticism, her response was always the same:
- Blame populists
- Announce another summit to solve the crisis created by the previous summit
- Give a speech about unity, while the French riot outside
Chapter 5: The Future—Or How to Crash an Intergalactic Bureaucracy
As of today, Ursula von der Leyen continues her noble mission of ensuring that nothing in Europe works efficiently, but everything is incredibly well-documented. There are rumors that she wishes to become the next Secretary-General of the United Nations, which, given her talent for making large organizations even slower, seems like a perfect match.
Meanwhile, across the galaxy, lesser beings look upon the European Commission in awe and horror, wondering:
“How do they keep getting away with this?”
The answer, of course, is simple. Nobody is really sure how the European Union works—including the people in charge of it.
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