In the year 2029, the European Union—formerly an economic alliance, then a bureaucratic wonderland, and finally an exasperated group therapy session—decided it needed a new direction. The economy was in freefall, member states were squabbling like drunks at a wedding, and the Germans, after years of restraint, finally said, “Fine. We’ll do it.”
“Do what?” asked the French.
“Save Europe,” the Germans replied, cracking their knuckles.
Thus was born the European Strategic Harmony and Intervention Taskforce—or, as the tabloids quickly dubbed it, ESHIT—a bold new initiative in which Germany would provide tanks, soldiers, and a general sense of Prussian punctuality to the crumbling European dream.
Now, it’s important to remember that Germany had spent the better part of a century pretending not to be interested in military adventures. Whenever someone brought up history, they would sigh heavily, look at their shoes, and insist they were now passionate about exporting high-quality sedans and producing philosophical guilt. But with the EU unraveling, the old habits stirred. The Bundeswehr, which had been mocked for years as an army that could barely get its helicopters off the ground, suddenly found its footing.
The first mission of ESHIT was to restore order to Belgium, which had accidentally declared independence from itself in a bureaucratic mishap. A German armored division rolled into Brussels, bringing efficiency and well-maintained roads. Within days, trains were running on time, waffles were nationalized, and beer production had been standardized according to a 1516 purity law.
“It’s all very democratic,” assured Chancellor Günther von Friedenstein, a former economist with a charming smile and a suspiciously firm handshake. “We are merely protecting our European brothers and sisters.”
The French, who were both alarmed and deeply jealous, immediately called a press conference to express concern. The British, watching from their independent island, merely shook their heads and muttered, “Told you so.” The Italians shrugged, since they had seen this kind of thing before and were too busy drinking espresso.
As Germany continued its “Peacekeeping Operations,” strange things began to happen. The EU headquarters was moved to Berlin “for efficiency.” The euro was rebranded as the “NeuMark.” The word Anschluss briefly trended on social media before being hastily deleted.
Then, one day, a Polish journalist stood up at a press conference and asked, “So, uh, how long will these peacekeeping missions last?”
Chancellor von Friedenstein smiled benevolently. “As long as necessary.”
Somewhere, in the shadowy corners of history, old men nodded knowingly. So it goes.
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