Now, I have heard many a strange tale in my day, but none quite so peculiar as the one concerning old Jasper McAllister, his prized rooster, and the regrettable events of the Calhoun County Fair of 1887.
Jasper McAllister was a man of some repute in our parts—not for his wisdom or virtue, mind you, but for his unshakable belief that his rooster, General Beauregard, was the most intelligent creature ever to strut upon this earth. He claimed that General Beauregard could count, recognize faces, and—if properly motivated—play a game of checkers. Most folks were inclined to believe that Jasper was about two pecans short of a pie, but he spoke of the bird’s talents with such conviction that, against all reason, people began to wonder.
Well, when the Calhoun County Fair rolled around, Jasper saw his chance to prove once and for all that his rooster was no common fowl. There was a contest for best-performing animal, and Jasper was determined that General Beauregard would take the blue ribbon—or die trying.
On the day of the contest, Jasper arrived at the fairgrounds with the rooster tucked under his arm like a pocket Bible. He had spent weeks training the bird, coaxing it with cornbread and molasses until, according to him, General Beauregard could peck out the answer to simple arithmetic problems. He had visions of county-wide fame, maybe even a trip to the state fair. Unfortunately for Jasper, fate—and an unscrupulous competitor—had other plans.
Enter Willie Dunbar. Now, Willie was known for three things: his knack for mischief, his talent for cheating, and his unfortunate resemblance to a goat when viewed from the wrong angle. He had entered his own animal in the contest—a lazy, overweight pig named Clarabelle, who had exactly one trick: pretending to be asleep. Willie had no confidence in Clarabelle’s chances, so he devised a plan to sabotage Jasper and General Beauregard.
Right before Jasper’s turn on stage, Willie snuck up to the rooster’s cage with a handful of moonshine-soaked corn. Now, I am no scientist, but I reckon if you take a rooster that has never had a drop of spirits in its life and feed it enough liquor to pickle a mule, the results will not be favorable.
When Jasper proudly placed General Beauregard on the stage, the bird stood up straight, puffed out its chest, and promptly fell over. The crowd gasped. Jasper, in a panic, tried to prop him up, whispering desperate encouragements. The rooster, eyes wild and legs wobbling, suddenly let out a mighty crow and took off running—right into the judge’s table.
What followed was nothing short of bedlam. The table flipped, knocking over a jar of honey, which splattered across the floor. This, in turn, attracted a swarm of bees, which set about punishing everyone in a ten-foot radius. General Beauregard, now fully convinced he was being chased by the devil himself, leapt onto a woman’s bonnet, rode it like a raft in a storm, and then took flight—directly into the refreshment stand.
In the chaos, Willie Dunbar made the mistake of laughing too loudly, which drew the wrath of Jasper, who tackled him with the speed of a man possessed. The two of them rolled through the dirt, fists flying, while General Beauregard, now covered in lemonade and mustard, attempted to climb onto the Ferris wheel.
By the time order was restored, Jasper was disqualified, Willie was covered in bruises, and General Beauregard had earned the dubious honor of being the only rooster in Calhoun County to be permanently banned from the fairgrounds.
Jasper swore vengeance, but the next morning, General Beauregard seemed no worse for wear, and Jasper declared that his rooster had “conquered liquor itself.” Whether this was proof of the bird’s genius or simply evidence that even a drunken chicken has its limits, we will never know.
What we do know is that the Calhoun County Fair of 1887 has never been quite the same since.
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