So it goes.
Once upon a time, on a little blue planet that was dying faster than a mayfly with a smoking habit, the humans decided to save the climate by printing money. Not just a little money, mind you, but all the money. They called it “Quantitative Greening,” because slapping a fancy name on something makes it sound less insane.
The idea was simple, which is to say it was stupid. If the planet was overheating because humans burned too much fossil fuel, why not print enough money to buy all the fossil fuel and then not burn it? Genius, right? Well, no. But it was the best idea they had, and by “best,” I mean “least terrible.”
So the central banks of the world fired up their printing presses, which, by the way, were powered by coal because irony is the universe’s favorite joke. They printed trillions of dollars, euros, yen, and even a few Zimbabwean dollars for good measure. They handed this money to governments, corporations, and a guy named Dave who accidentally wandered into the Federal Reserve looking for a bathroom.
The governments used the money to build solar panels, wind turbines, and giant hamster wheels powered by bureaucrats. The corporations used the money to buy yachts and rename themselves things like “EcoSynergyCorp” while continuing to pollute. And Dave? Dave bought a taco truck and called it “Carbon Neutral Tacos.” So it goes.
For a while, it seemed like it might work. The price of fossil fuels plummeted because no one was buying them anymore. Oil executives cried into their silk handkerchiefs, which was nice to see. The air got cleaner, the oceans got bluer, and the polar bears stopped sending angry letters to the United Nations.
But then, as always, the humans messed it up.
You see, printing all that money caused inflation. A loaf of bread cost $500. A cup of coffee cost $1,000. And a single avocado? Forget about it. People started using dollar bills as toilet paper, which was both practical and deeply symbolic.
The climate was saved, but the economy was ruined. People couldn’t afford to live on a planet they had just rescued. So they did what humans always do: they blamed each other. The politicians blamed the economists, the economists blamed the scientists, and the scientists blamed Dave, because his tacos gave everyone food poisoning.
In the end, the planet healed itself, but the humans didn’t. They were too busy arguing over who got to keep the last tree.
So it goes.
And so, dear reader, the moral of the story is this: if you want to save the world, don’t print money. Don’t burn fossil fuels. And for God’s sake, don’t trust a guy named Dave with a taco truck.
But hey—at least the polar bears are happy.
And so it goes.
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And so it goes.
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