List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned stone-hauler, rewiring ramps with reeds.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, pranking overseers with glee.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, charming priests in linen robes.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning labor into lunacy.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, lost in lotus wine and pyramid dust.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting which block he’s hauling.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, debating Boredom-Stonewall in the sands.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing the Nile’s riches for her empire.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, prime target of Boredom-Stonewall’s curses.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the pyramid’s brutal order.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword outshining bronze blades.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing law in a lawless desert.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging pulleys to fail.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing bread to distract slaves.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, weaving schemes in the scorching sun.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling papyrus in a stone-age rush.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, double-dealing with tomb robbers.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, dropping bars by the Nile.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bock’s foe, clashing with Boredom-Stonewall’s zeal.
- Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall: Fake bigot preacher, now a high priest of Ra, enemy of Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte, preaching pyramid perfection.
(Cue the creak of stone blocks, the crack of whips, and the chant of ancient hymns, as the crew leaps from the Gold Rush riverbed into the sun-baked chaos of ancient Egypt, circa 2630 BCE.)
The Wonder Sword’s gleam swallowed the Gold Rush dust, hurling the crew from riverbanks into a searing new fray. They landed on hot sand beside a half-built pyramid, the air thick with sweat and the groan of straining slaves. Giza thrummed—laborers dragged limestone blocks, overseers lashed whips, and Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall, now in a sun-bleached kilt and headdress, stood atop a ramp, clutching a staff. “Heretics! Slackers!” he roared, glaring at Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte. “Ra demands your toil—or his wrath consumes you!”
Sven, shaking off frontier grit, fiddled with a reed pulley. “From gold to granite—I’d rather hack a sphinx!” He dodged an overseer’s whip. Klausi, scampering along a block, flicked sand at a priest. “Oi, sun-fan, lighten up—demon’s here to shift!” The man swung a staff, missing wide.
Murky Jan, now in a linen wrap, flashed a grin at a scribe. “Darling, this desert’s divine—surely I’m too grand to grind?” A stone rolled past his feet. Crazy Pete, twirling a stolen bronze blade, danced on a slab. “Why so stony, Frankie? This pile’s my playground—ha ha ha!” A whip cracked near him, and he winked.
Thomas, swaying from lotus wine he’d swiped, slurred, “This… this is glory? Or just bad juice?” Olaf Amnesia, beside him, stared at a block. “Did I lift this? Where’s my rope?” A slave shoved him toward the ramp.
Ms. Dumbo Bock, in a scavenged tunic, faced Boredom-Stonewall. “Your tyranny’s a sham—I’ll free these sands!” He waved an ankh, snarling, “Blasphemer!” Count Don Robert Quichotte, kilt flapping, drew a dagger beside her. “Your chants bore me, priest—and Bock’s mine to bury!” She elbowed him, earning a hiss.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing a gold idol, whispered to a laborer. “Join me, and Egypt’s ours—syndicate style!” Fritz the Fozzler, ducking Boredom-Stonewall’s pointed staff, muttered, “From nuggets to Nile…” The priest thundered, “You’re the shadow of Set—fall!” Dr. Z, hauling a stone, nodded. “Such monumental will—a builder’s dream!”
Walburga, her Wonder Sword glowing, faced a guard’s spear. “Your gods’ no match—I’ll cleave this age!” Boredom-Stonewall pointed, “Witch!” Good Uncle Jochen, dodging a whip, shouted, “Under ancient law—ow!—we’ve rights!” A sandal silenced him.
Dumb Tom, rigging a pulley with a twig, grinned. “Jam the lift, dodge the lash—done!” Dumb Beatrix, tossing bread from her sack, called, “Eat this, not dust, you sandy saps!” Andreas and Edith, clutching papyrus scrolls, whimpered, “We’ll scribe your hymns—spare us!”
Godmother Erika, calm in the heat, murmured, “This stone’s our stage—shape it.” Kanye West, bold by the Nile, rapped: “I’m Kanye, pharaoh king—beats hit harder than your blocks, bling!” Vigo, cutting a deal with a tomb robber, smirked. “Tombs or toil—I win either way.”
Boredom-Stonewall slammed his staff, his voice a wail. “Raise the stones—smite the weak!” Overseers surged, whips cracking, blocks teetering. Pete’s blade spun, Sven’s pulley sparked, and Klausi tripped a priest into the sand. “Now!” Walburga roared, her sword slashing air, light bursting as chaos flared. The Wonder Sword pulsed, and the crew vanished—sand swirling, Boredom-Stonewall’s curse fading into Egyptian silence.
They landed in a heap, desert replaced by a damp chill, stone now moss. Sven groaned, “Where now?” Klausi sniffed, “Smells like wet—and weird.” Pete grinned, “New build, same stakes—stack ‘em up!”
Call to Action: “Chisel Out of Boredom-Stonewall’s Pyramid Ploy!”
“The crew’s trapped in Egypt’s stone slog—Sven’s ramps jam, Klausi’s pranks crumble, and Pete’s turning blocks into jokes! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR edge to slash us free from Boredom-Stonewall’s sandstone scheme. Back our break from this pile-up—or we’re buried under Ra’s wrath!
Join the pyramid push: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a coin to dodge the priest: berndpulch.org/donation
Save us from the sandstone sermon—support now, or it’s a pharaoh’s tomb for all!”
(End scene with the thud of a falling block and the wail of a distant horn.)
Call to Action: “Break Free from Boredom-Stonewall’s Stone-Age Shackles!”
“The crew’s neck-deep in Egypt’s sweaty grind—Sven’s rewiring reeds into chaos, Klausi’s pranking priests into fits, and Crazy Pete’s turning limestone into a lunatic’s playground! Walburga’s Wonder Sword is our ticket out, but it’s dulling fast under Boredom-Stonewall’s relentless Ra-ranting tyranny. We need YOUR spark to slash through this pyramid prison—or we’re all dust under his sandstone sermon!
Join the rebellion against the ramps: back us at patreon.com/berndpulch
Toss a coin to topple the priest: donate at berndpulch.org/donation
Fuel our escape from this ancient slog—support now, or it’s eternal toil in Ra’s rocky wrath!”
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