List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned prospector, panning for circuits in the dirt.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, pranking miners with glee.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, charming claim-jumpers in dusty finery.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning gold fever into farce.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, lost in rotgut whiskey and gold dust dreams.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting his claim’s location.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, staking claims against Boredom-Stonewall.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing the goldfields for her empire.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, prime target of Boredom-Stonewall’s wrath.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the frontier’s ruthless hustle.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword outshining pickaxes.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing law in a lawless boomtown.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging sluices to fail.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing biscuits to distract outlaws.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, weaving schemes in the dusty chaos.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling claim deeds in the rush.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, double-dealing with bandits.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, dropping bars by the riverbank.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bock’s foe, clashing with Boredom-Stonewall’s greed.
- Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall: Fake bigot preacher, now a gold-crazed prospector, enemy of Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte, preaching wealth as salvation.
(Cue the twang of a banjo, the clatter of pickaxes, and the rush of a muddy river, as the crew leaps from France’s resistance into the sun-scorched frenzy of the California Gold Rush, 1849.)
The Wonder Sword’s flash drowned out the Gestapo’s gunfire, spitting the crew from a French cellar into a blazing new chaos. They landed in a dusty riverbed, the air thick with sweat and the clang of prospecting pans. The California Gold Rush roared—miners in tattered hats sifted mud, outlaws prowled with six-shooters, and Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall, now in a sun-bleached frock and wide hat, stood atop a nugget-laden claim, preaching. “Gold is God’s will!” he bellowed, eyeing Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte. “You three—your claims are mine, or face divine wrath!”
Sven, brushing off French grime, panned with a broken sieve. “From radios to rivers—I’d rather hack a sluice!” He dodged a miner’s shove. Klausi, scampering along the bank, flicked gravel at a prospector. “Oi, gold-grub, lighten up—demon’s here to pan!” The man swung a pick, missing wide.
Murky Jan, now in a dusty vest, flashed a grin at a claim-jumper. “Darling, this rush is divine—surely I’m too slick to strike?” A shovel thudded near his boots. Crazy Pete, twirling a stolen six-shooter, danced on a rock. “Why so greedy, Frankie? This gold’s my giggle—ha ha ha!” A bullet whizzed past, and he grinned.
Thomas, swaying from rotgut he’d swiped, slurred, “This… this is riches? Or just bad hooch?” Olaf Amnesia, beside him, stared at a claim stake. “Did I stake this? Where’s my pan?” A bandit kicked him into the mud.
Ms. Dumbo Bock, in a scavenged apron, faced Boredom-Stonewall. “Your greed’s a sham—I’ll regulate this rush!” He waved a Bible, snarling, “Thief!” Count Don Robert Quichotte, duster flapping, drew a pistol beside her. “Your sermons bore me, priest—and Bock’s mine to bury!” She elbowed him, earning a growl.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing a gold sack, whispered to an outlaw. “Join me, and the rush is ours—syndicate style!” Fritz the Fozzler, ducking Boredom-Stonewall’s pointed finger, muttered, “From bombs to bullion…” The archbishop thundered, “You’re the devil’s pawn—yield!” Dr. Z, panning with a smirk, nodded. “Such raw ambition—a miner’s dream!”
Walburga, her Wonder Sword gleaming, faced a bandit’s shotgun. “Your gold’s no match—I’ll cut this day!” Boredom-Stonewall pointed, “Blasphemer!” Good Uncle Jochen, dodging a brawl, shouted, “Under frontier law—ow!—we’ve rights!” A fist silenced him.
Dumb Tom, rigging a sluice with a stick, grinned. “Clog the flow, dodge the fight—done!” Dumb Beatrix, tossing biscuits from her apron, called, “Munch this, not us, you dusty dogs!” Andreas and Edith, clutching fake deeds, whimpered, “We’ll sell your claims—spare us!”
Godmother Erika, calm in the sun, murmured, “This dust’s our prize—shape it.” Kanye West, bold by the river, rapped: “I’m Kanye, gold king—beats hit harder than your pans, bling!” Vigo, cutting a deal with a bandit, smirked. “Nuggets or necks—I win either way.”
Boredom-Stonewall slammed his pan, his voice a roar. “Stake them out—claim the gold!” Miners and outlaws surged, picks and guns flashing. Pete’s six-shooter spun, Sven’s sieve sparked, and Klausi tripped a preacher into the river. “Now!” Walburga roared, her sword slashing air, light bursting as chaos reigned. The Wonder Sword pulsed, and the crew vanished—dust swirling, Boredom-Stonewall’s rant fading into Gold Rush silence.
They landed in a heap, riverbed replaced by a cool breeze, mud now stone. Sven groaned, “Where now?” Klausi sniffed, “Smells like salt—and steel.” Pete grinned, “New stake, same game—dig in!”
Call to Action: “Pan Out of Boredom-Stonewall’s Gold Grab!”
“The crew’s caught in the Gold Rush grind—Sven’s pans clog, Klausi’s pranks sink, and Pete’s turning nuggets into laughs! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR shine to slash us free from Boredom-Stonewall’s greedy grip. Back our bolt from this ruckus—or we’re panned out in the dirt!
Join the prospector push: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a nugget to dodge the preacher: berndpulch.org/donation
Save us from the gold fever fray—support now, or it’s a dusty ditch for all!”
(End scene with the splash of a river and the clang of a distant pick.)
Call to Action: “Strike Out Boredom-Stonewall’s Gold Grasp!”
“The crew’s mired in the Gold Rush muck—Sven’s sieves jam, Klausi’s tricks flop, and Pete’s spinning guns for giggles! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR gleam to cut us loose from Boredom-Stonewall’s nugget-crazed claws. Back our dash from this ruckus—or we’re struck out in the dust!
Join the goldfield getaway: patreon.com/berndpulch
Toss a coin to dodge the preacher: berndpulch.org/donation
Help us outpan the gold rush greed—support now, or it’s a prospector’s grave for the gang!”
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