“Salem’s moonlit madness flares—Sven tweaks pitchforks, Klausi pelts, and Pete bangs gavels in the fray. Walburga’s sword shines, Dumbo spars with Quichotte, Kanye raps through the din, and Boredom-Stonewall damns all as the gallows creak!”
List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned accused witch, tinkering with pitchforks.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, pranking Puritans with glee.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, charming magistrates in drab garb.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning trials into chaos.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, lost in witch-brew haze and paranoia.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting the charges against him.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, debating Boredom-Stonewall in stocks.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing Salem’s chaos for her empire.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, prime target of Boredom-Stonewall’s ire.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the trials’ rigid order.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword branded witchcraft.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing law in a lawless court.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging gallows to fail.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing bread to distract the mob.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, weaving schemes in Puritan shadows.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling confessions in a witch-crazed town.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, fueling accusations for gain.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, dropping bars in the courtroom.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bock’s foe, accused alongside her by Boredom-Stonewall.
- Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall: Fake bigot preacher, now a Puritan enforcer, enemy of Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte, leading the witch hunt.
(Cue the creak of gallows, the murmur of a grim crowd, and the howl of a cold wind, as the crew leaps from the delta juke joint into the stark hysteria of Salem, 1692.)
The Wonder Sword’s glow swallowed the juke joint’s blues, hurling the crew from swampy revelry into a frigid night. They landed on frost-hardened ground outside a wooden meetinghouse, the air sharp with smoke and the tang of fear. Salem buzzed with paranoia—Puritans in black cloaks whispered of witches, gallows loomed, and Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall, now in a steepled hat and grim frock, presided over a makeshift court. “Heretics! Sorcerers!” he bellowed, pointing at Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte. “Your devilry ends at my noose!”
Sven, shaking off delta mud, fiddled with a pitchfork. “From ‘shine to stakes—I’d rather hack a quill!” He dodged a Puritan’s glare. Klausi, scampering through the crowd, flicked a pebble at a judge. “Oi, grim-face, lighten up—demon’s here to hex!” The man clutched a cross, shrieking.
Murky Jan, now in a pilfered cloak, flashed a grin at a magistrate. “Darling, this trial’s divine—surely I’m too pure to hang?” A hymnbook thudded near his feet. Crazy Pete, twirling a stolen gavel, danced on a bench. “Why so hangy, Frankie? This court’s my circus—ha ha ha!” A guard lunged, missing wide.
Thomas, reeling from a witch-brew he’d swiped, slurred, “This… this is justice? Or just bad tea?” Olaf Amnesia, beside him, stared at the gallows. “Did I confess? What’s a witch?” A matron shoved him toward the stocks.
Ms. Dumbo Bock, in a torn bonnet, faced Boredom-Stonewall. “Your witch hunt’s a sham—I’ll reform this madness!” He waved a scroll, snarling, “Witch!” Count Don Robert Quichotte, cloak flapping, drew a dagger beside her. “Your zeal bores me, priest—and Bock’s mine to doom!” She kicked his shin, earning a hiss.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing the crowd, whispered to a trembling villager. “Join me, and Salem’s ours—syndicate style!” Fritz the Fozzler, ducking Boredom-Stonewall’s accusing finger, muttered, “From blues to binds…” The archbishop thundered, “You’re the devil’s voice—burn!” Dr. Z, clutching a Bible, nodded. “Such holy order—a purger’s dream!”
Walburga, her Wonder Sword glowing, faced a pitchfork mob. “Your faith’s no match—I’ll cleave this lie!” Boredom-Stonewall pointed, “Sorcery!” Good Uncle Jochen, tripping over a pew, shouted, “Under colonial law—ow!—we’ve rights!” A rock silenced him.
Dumb Tom, rigging a gallows rope with a twig, grinned. “Snap the noose, dodge the drop—easy!” Dumb Beatrix, tossing bread from her apron, called, “Eat this, not us, you pious prudes!” Andreas and Edith, clutching soggy parchments, whimpered, “We’ll scribe your verdicts—spare us!”
Godmother Erika, calm in the gloom, murmured, “This fear’s our forge—shape it.” Kanye West, bold in the courtroom, rapped: “I’m Kanye, witch king—beats cut deeper than your noose, bling!” Vigo, stirring whispers among the mob, smirked. “Panic or power—I thrive either way.”
Boredom-Stonewall slammed his fist, his voice a shriek. “Hang the fiends—cleanse Salem’s soul!” The crowd surged, ropes tightening, torches flaring. Pete’s gavel spun, Sven’s pitchfork sparked, and Klausi tripped a judge into the mud. “Now!” Walburga roared, her sword slashing air, light bursting as chaos reigned. The Wonder Sword pulsed, and the crew vanished—wind howling, Boredom-Stonewall’s curse fading into Puritan silence.
They landed in a heap, frost replaced by a warm breeze, dirt now sand. Sven groaned, “Where now?” Klausi sniffed, “Smells like dust—and danger.” Pete grinned, “New trial, same stakes—bring it on!”
Call to Action: “Break Free of Boredom-Stonewall’s Noose!”
“The crew’s snared in Salem’s witchy web—Sven’s forks fizzle, Klausi’s tricks tangle, and Pete’s turning gallows into gags! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR spark to slash us out of Boredom-Stonewall’s pious trap. Back our escape from this witch hunt whammy—or we’re swinging in the stocks!
Join the Puritan breakout: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a coin to dodge the rope: berndpulch.org/donation
Save us from Salem’s scramble—support now, or it’s a hangman’s hymn for all!”
(End scene with the creak of a gallows and the chant of a distant crowd.)
Call to Action: “Snap Boredom-Stonewall’s Witchy Snare!”
“The crew’s trapped in Salem’s noose nightmare—Sven’s pitchforks flop, Klausi’s pranks knot, and Pete’s turning trials into jest! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR blaze to cut us loose from Boredom-Stonewall’s holy hang-up. Back our dash from this witch hunt whammy—or we’re toast at the stake!
Join the witch-trial breakout: patreon.com/berndpulch
Toss a shilling to dodge the gallows: berndpulch.org/donation
Help us outwit Salem’s scramble—support now, or it’s a Puritan pyre for the posse!”
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