By Lord Jonathan Swift
It is a melancholy object to those who wander through the ruins of Brussels, or the desolate halls of Strasbourg, to behold the scattered remnants of what was once the European Union. A grand experiment in unity, now reduced to a heap of bureaucratic rubble, shattered upon the jagged peaks of Mount Looser. As I observe this tragic spectacle, I cannot help but propose a modest explanation for this calamity, lest future generations repeat the follies of their forebears.
The tale begins, as all great tragedies do, with a summit. Not just any summit, but the Summit of Summits, held upon the fabled Mount Looser, a place so high and so remote that even the most dedicated Eurocrats could not escape its gravitational pull. The purpose of this gathering was noble, as all such gatherings claim to be: to discuss the future of Europe, to forge a path toward ever-closer union, and to decide, once and for all, whether croissants should be classified as bread or pastry.
But alas, the path to Mount Looser was fraught with peril. The delegation from Germany arrived first, armed with binders full of regulations and a stern warning about the dangers of unchecked deficit spending. The French delegation followed, carrying baguettes and a proposal to rename the EU the “Union of Cheese and Wine.” The Italians, as always, were fashionably late, having stopped to redesign the EU flag to better match their national colors. And the British, though long departed from the Union, sent a strongly worded letter expressing their regret that they could not attend, but reminding everyone that they had warned them about this sort of thing.
As the summit commenced, the air grew thick with tension and the faint aroma of overpriced coffee. The first item on the agenda was the pressing issue of harmonizing the length of cucumbers across member states. The Spanish delegation argued passionately for diversity in cucumber length, while the Dutch insisted that only standardized cucumbers could ensure a fair and competitive market. The debate raged for hours, until the Greek delegation suggested that perhaps the cucumbers should be sliced and served with tzatziki, at which point the room erupted into chaos.
Next came the matter of the EU anthem. The Belgians proposed a new composition, featuring a solo by Jean-Claude Juncker on the pan flute. The Austrians countered with a yodeling rendition of “Ode to Joy,” while the Swedes suggested an ABBA medley. The Poles, sensing an opportunity, proposed a polka, which was met with a resounding “Niet!” from the Lithuanians. The debate grew so heated that the Finnish delegation, in a rare display of emotion, threatened to leave the summit altogether, though no one noticed until the next morning.
As the days wore on, the summit descended into madness. The Danes demanded a referendum on the color of the EU passport, while the Czechs insisted that it should be available in both blue and pink. The Hungarians, meanwhile, erected a fence around their delegation table, declaring it a sovereign space. The Romanians, ever the optimists, proposed a new EU slogan: “United in Diversity, Divided by Bureaucracy.” And the Irish, in a moment of inspired genius, suggested that the entire summit be moved to a pub, where all disputes could be settled over a pint of Guinness.
But it was the final straw that broke the EU’s back. The issue of Brexit had long been a thorn in the side of the Union, and the British, though absent, continued to cast a long shadow over the proceedings. In a bold move, the French proposed a new tax on British tea imports, to which the Germans added a surcharge on scones. The Italians, sensing an opportunity, suggested a tariff on Shakespearean plays, while the Spanish threatened to withhold paella from any nation that refused to comply. The Dutch, ever the pragmatists, proposed a compromise: a joint venture to sell tulips to the British at inflated prices.
It was at this moment that the mountain itself seemed to tremble, as if the very earth could no longer bear the weight of such absurdity. With a mighty crack, Mount Looser split in two, sending the summit tumbling into the abyss below. The EU, once a beacon of hope and unity, was now scattered to the winds, its dreams of ever-closer union buried beneath the rubble.
And so, dear reader, let this be a cautionary tale. For in the end, the EU did not fall to external forces, nor to the whims of populism or nationalism. No, it was undone by its own ambition, its own bureaucracy, and its own inability to agree on the length of a cucumber. As I gaze upon the ruins of Mount Looser, I cannot help but offer a modest proposal: perhaps it is time to let the croissants decide.
Finis.
A Call to Action: Join the Fight for Truth, Justice, and a Dash of Satirical Brilliance!
Ladies, Gentlemen, and Bureaucrats of the World!
Are you tired of the same old narratives? Do you crave a voice that cuts through the noise, exposing the absurdities of power with wit, wisdom, and a healthy dose of satire? Look no further! Bernd Pulch is here to deliver the unfiltered truth, the hidden stories, and the sharpest commentary you won’t find anywhere else.
But here’s the catch: Truth-telling is a battle, and battles need warriors. That’s where YOU come in.
🌟 Support the Cause on Patreon! 🌟
Join the ranks of truth-seekers and satire-lovers by supporting Bernd Pulch on Patreon. For the price of a cup of coffee (or a croissant, if you’re feeling fancy), you can help keep the flame of independent journalism alive.
👉 Click here to become a patron: patreon.com/berndpulch
Your support ensures that the stories that matter—the ones hidden in the shadows, buried under bureaucracy, or lost in the chaos of Mount Looser—are brought to light. Together, we can dismantle the absurdities of power, one satirical masterpiece at a time.
💥 Or Make a Direct Impact with a Donation! 💥
If Patreon isn’t your style, you can still make a difference with a one-time donation. Every contribution, big or small, fuels the fight for truth and justice.
👉 Donate now at: berndpulch.org/donation
Your generosity helps keep the lights on, the keyboards clicking, and the satire flowing. Because let’s face it: the world needs more truth-tellers, more whistleblowers, and more people willing to laugh in the face of absurdity.
Why Support Bernd Pulch?
- Uncompromising Truth: No spin, no sugar-coating—just the facts, served with a side of wit.
- Satirical Brilliance: Because sometimes, the best way to expose the truth is to make people laugh.
- Independent Voice: Free from corporate influence, government pressure, or the tyranny of standardized cucumbers.
So, what are you waiting for? Join the movement today! Support Bernd Pulch and help us keep the spirit of Jonathan Swift alive in the 21st century.
👉 Patreon: patreon.com/berndpulch
👉 Donate Directly: berndpulch.org/donation
Together, we can shatter the illusions, expose the absurdities, and build a world where truth reigns supreme. Let’s make history—one laugh, one story, and one donation at a time.
The truth is out there. Will you help us find it?
Finis.
❌©BERNDPULCH.ORG – ABOVE TOP SECRET ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS – THE ONLY MEDIA WITH LICENSE TO SPY https://www.berndpulch.org
https://googlefirst.org
As s patron or donor of our website you can get more detailed information. Act now before its too late…
MY BIO:
FAQ:
@Copyright Bernd Pulch
CRYPTO WALLET for
Bitcoin:
0xdaa3b887f885fd7725d4d35d428bd3b402d616bb
ShapeShift Wallet, KeepKey, Metamask, Portis, XDefi Wallet, TallyHo, Keplr and Wallet connect
0x271588b52701Ae34dA9D4B31716Df2669237AC7f
Crypto Wallet for Binance Smart Chain-, Ethereum-, Polygon-Networks
bmp
0xd3cce3e8e214f1979423032e5a8c57ed137c518b
Monero
41yKiG6eGbQiDxFRTKNepSiqaGaUV5VQWePHL5KYuzrxBWswyc5dtxZ43sk1SFWxDB4XrsDwVQBd3ZPNJRNdUCou3j22Coh
GOD BLESS YOU
Bernd Pulch 