List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned wannabe ninja, hacking bamboo instead of code.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, pranking samurai with glee.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, charming warlords in silk robes.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning battles into clownish chaos.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, lost in sake fumes and swordplay.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting which side he’s fighting.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, negotiating peace mid-battle.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing samurai loyalty for her crew.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, muttering over clashing steel.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the samurai’s disciplined fury.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword rivaling katanas.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing bushido code in the mud.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging armor to misfire.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing rice cakes to baffled warriors.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, weaving schemes in battlefield mist.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling scrolls in a sword fight.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, aligning with the darkest warlord.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, dropping beats amid the clash.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bock’s foe, dueling her with a stolen blade.
- Tokugawa Ieyasu: Shogun-to-be, commanding Sekigahara’s bloody storm.
(Cue the twang of a koto, the clash of katanas, and the roar of a samurai army, as the crew leaps from Deadwood’s dust into the muddy chaos of Sekigahara, 1600 Japan.)
The Wonder Sword’s glow swallowed Wild Bill’s gunshot, spitting the crew onto a rain-soaked battlefield. Mud sucked at their boots, the air thick with mist and the metallic tang of blood. Sekigahara raged—samurai in lacquered armor clashed under fluttering banners, screams mingling with the thunder of hooves. Tokugawa Ieyasu, stern atop a warhorse, surveyed the carnage, his gaze locking on the crew. “Gaijin? Ronin? Spies?” he barked. “Prove your worth—or join the fallen!”
Sven, dripping from the leap, clutched a bamboo stalk like a lifeline. “From pistols to swords—I’d kill for a keyboard!” He slashed awkwardly, dodging a katana’s arc. Klausi, scampering through the mud, flicked a rice ball at a samurai’s helm. “Oi, tin-can, lighten up—demon’s here to play!” The warrior roared, swinging wide.
Murky Jan, now in a pilfered silk kimono, bowed to a passing lord. “Darling, this war’s divine—surely I’m too chic to skewer?” A spear grazed his sleeve, and he yelped. Crazy Pete, twirling a stolen wakizashi, danced amid the chaos. “Why so stabby, samurai? This circus needs my grin—ha ha ha!” He tripped over a fallen banner, still cackling.
Thomas, reeling from sake he’d nabbed off a corpse, slurred, “This… this is honor? Or just bad booze?” Olaf Amnesia, beside him, blinked at a naginata. “Did I sign up for this? Whose flag’s mine?” A foot soldier shoved him into the fray.
Ms. Dumbo Bock, mud-splattered but defiant, faced Ieyasu. “Cease this slaughter—I propose a treaty!” Count Don Robert Quichotte, gripping a katana beside her, sneered, “Your diplomacy dies here, Bock—taste my steel!” She parried with a broken spear, earning a grunt.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing a wounded samurai, whispered, “Pledge to me, and we’ll rule this mud—syndicate style!” Fritz the Fozzler, stumbling through the mist, muttered, “From bullets to blades…” Dr. Z, dodging a slash, nodded. “Such martial purity—a warrior’s dream!”
Walburga, her Wonder Sword flashing, met a samurai’s strike head-on. “Your honor’s no match—I’ll cleave this era!” Ieyasu pointed, “Cut her down!” Good Uncle Jochen, slipping in mud, shouted, “Under bushido—ow!—we’ve rights!” A horse trampled his argument.
Dumb Tom, fiddling with a samurai’s armor, grinned. “Jam the plates, dodge the cuts—done!” Dumb Beatrix, tossing rice cakes from her apron, called, “Snack on these, not us, you sword-swingers!” Andreas and Edith, clutching soggy scrolls, whimpered, “We’ll write your victories—spare us!”
Godmother Erika, calm in the storm, murmured, “This clash is our forge—bend it.” Kanye West, bold amid the carnage, rapped: “I’m Kanye, samurai soul—beats hit harder than your scrolls, yo!” Vigo, aligning with a grim warlord, smirked. “Blood or glory—I thrive either way.”
Ieyasu raised his fan, his voice a blade. “Victory demands sacrifice—strike them down!” The battlefield surged, katanas flashing like lightning. Pete’s wakizashi spun, Sven’s bamboo snapped, and Klausi tripped a horse, hooves flying. “Now!” Walburga roared, her sword slashing mist, light erupting as steel clanged. The Wonder Sword pulsed, and the crew vanished—mud splashing, Ieyasu’s shout fading into samurai silence.
They landed in a heap, battlefield replaced by a quiet grove, cherry blossoms drifting. Sven groaned, “Where now?” Klausi sniffed, “Smells like peace—and fish.” Pete grinned, “New stage, same game—shuffle the deck!”
Call to Action: “Outslash Sekigahara’s Storm!”
“The crew’s diced by samurai steel—Sven’s bamboo’s bust, Klausi’s pranks clash, and Pete’s turning war into a gag! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR edge to cut us free from Ieyasu’s blade-fest. Back our dodge from Sekigahara’s slash—or we’re sushi!
Join the samurai scramble: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a coin to defy the katana: berndpulch.org/donation
Save us from the shogun’s showdown—support now, or it’s seppuku for the squad!”
(End scene with the whisper of wind and the clink of distant armor.)
Call to Action: “Cut Through Sekigahara’s Slash Fest!”
“The crew’s tangled in samurai steel—Sven’s bamboo’s breaking, Klausi’s pranks are slicing thin, and Pete’s turning war into a jest! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR steel to carve us out of Ieyasu’s muddy massacre. Back our leap from Sekigahara’s blade storm—or we’re skewered shogun snacks!
Join the samurai survival: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a coin to outslash the shogun: berndpulch.org/donation
Help us dodge the katana chaos—support now, or it’s honor-bound hari-kari for all!”
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