List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned gunslinger, fumbling with a six-shooter.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, cheating at cards with a grin.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, dazzling saloon folk with velvet and lies.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning shootouts into slapstick.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, high on saloon rotgut and chaos.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting the stakes mid-hand.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, negotiating with outlaws in a corset.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing Deadwood’s gold for her empire.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, muttering over whiskey shots.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the frontier’s raw order.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword outgunning revolvers.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing law in a lawless saloon.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging poker tables to explode.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing biscuits to distract gunslingers.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, plotting amidst the dust and bullets.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling paper in a gold-rush town.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, dealing with the devil in Deadwood.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, spitting bars at the bar.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bock’s foe, drawing on her in the dust.
- Wild Bill Hickok: Legendary gunslinger, holding aces and eights with a steely gaze.
(Cue twanging banjos, the clink of whiskey glasses, and the crack of gunfire, as the crew tumbles from revolutionary Paris into the dusty chaos of Deadwood, 1876.)
The guillotine’s chop morphed into a flash of light, Walburga’s Wonder Sword yanking the crew from Paris’s scaffold. They hit the ground hard, boots sinking into muddy streets, the air thick with dust and the tang of cheap liquor. Deadwood sprawled before them—a ramshackle town of saloons and tents, buzzing with gold-hungry prospectors and trigger-happy outlaws. At the No. 10 Saloon, Wild Bill Hickok sat at a poker table, his hat low, fingers brushing his twin revolvers. He glanced up, squinting at the crew. “Strangers, huh? Ante up—or draw.”
Sven, brushing off revolutionary grime, fumbled a rusty pistol he’d snatched from a drunk. “From blades to bullets—I’d rather hack a saloon’s ledger!” Klausi, perched on a barstool, flicked cards from his sleeve, grinning. “Deal me in, Billy—demon’s luck beats your aces!” A cowboy growled, hand twitching toward his holster.
Murky Jan, now in a dusty velvet duster, leaned on the bar. “Darlings, this frontier’s divine—gold and grit suit my style!” He flashed a grin, dodging a spittoon. Crazy Pete, twirling a derringer like a baton, leapt onto a table. “Why so shooty, Wild Bill? This game’s my circus now—ha ha ha!” A bottle shattered near his head, and he ducked, cackling.
Thomas, swaying from rotgut he’d swiped, slurred, “This… this is freedom? Or just bad hooch?” Olaf Amnesia, beside him, stared at his cards. “Did I bet yet? What’s poker?” A miner shoved him, snarling, “Play or pay!”
Ms. Dumbo Bock, corset hastily tied, faced Hickok. “This town needs order—I propose a council!” Count Don Robert Quichotte, duster flapping, drew a pistol beside her. “Your reign ends here, Bock—Deadwood’s mine!” She kicked his shin, and a shot went wild, splintering the ceiling.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing a sack of gold dust, whispered to a grizzled outlaw. “Join me, and this town’s ours—syndicate style!” Fritz the Fozzler, sipping whiskey, muttered, “From guillotines to guns…” Dr. Z, nursing a shot, nodded at the chaos. “Such untamed vigor—a pure crucible!”
Walburga, her Wonder Sword gleaming, faced a gunslinger’s draw. “Your lead’s no match—I’ll cut this age down!” Hickok smirked, “Try it, lady.” Good Uncle Jochen, dodging a brawl, shouted, “Under frontier law—ow!—we’ve rights!” A fist silenced him.
Dumb Tom, under a table, wired a deck to spark. “Rig the game, dodge the bullets—easy!” Dumb Beatrix, tossing biscuits from her apron, called, “Eat these, not lead, you dusty fools!” Andreas and Edith, clutching paper stacks, whimpered, “We’ll trade notes for nuggets—spare us!”
Godmother Erika, calm in the storm, murmured, “This dust is our gold—shape it.” Kanye West, mic-less but loud, rapped at the bar: “I’m Kanye, Wild West king—beats drop harder than your guns, bling!” Vigo, dealing cards with a dark grin, sat by Hickok. “Chaos or cash—I win either way.”
Wild Bill slapped his cards down—aces and eights. “Last call, strangers—play or bleed.” The saloon tensed, hands hovering over holsters. Pete’s derringer spun, Sven’s pistol jammed, and Klausi flipped the table, cards flying. “Now!” Walburga roared, her sword slashing air, light bursting as bullets whizzed. The Wonder Sword flared, and the crew vanished—dust swirling, Hickok’s shot echoing into the void.
They landed in a heap, saloon replaced by a howling wind, a new frontier stretching wide. Sven groaned, “Where now?” Klausi sniffed, “Smells like trouble—and cows.” Pete grinned, “New game, same stakes—deal me in!”
Call to Action: “Outdraw Wild Bill’s Bash!”
“The crew’s ducked Hickok’s bullets, but Deadwood’s dust still chokes us! Sven’s guns jam, Klausi’s cheats flop, and Pete’s turning shootouts into shenanigans—Walburga’s sword needs YOUR draw to blast us out! Back our escape from the Wild West’s lead storm—or we’re six feet under!
Join the gunslinger gamble: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a nugget to dodge the draw: berndpulch.org/donation
Save us from Wild Bill’s bullet bash—support now, or it’s aces and eights for all!”
(End scene with the twang of a banjo and the thud of boots.)
Call to Action: “Ride Out Wild Bill’s Lead Storm!”
“The crew’s caught in Deadwood’s crossfire—Wild Bill’s aces are loaded, and our luck’s running dry! Sven’s pistols jam, Klausi’s card tricks misfire, and Pete’s juggling bullets like a clown, but Walburga’s sword needs YOUR spark to shoot us free! Back our dash from Hickok’s saloon showdown—or we’re buried in the dust!
Saddle up with the posse: patreon.com/berndpulch
Toss a gold nugget to dodge the draw: berndpulch.org/donation
Help us outgun Wild Bill’s bullet bash—support now, or it’s six feet under for the gang!”
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