By Jim Crow, Satirical News Correspondent
In a stunning turn of events that has left political pundits scratching their heads and historians Googling “Freemasons for Dummies,” President Joe Biden has officially joined the Black Freemasons. The announcement came during a press conference where Biden proudly declared, “Folks, let me tell you something—these guys have the best handshakes. I mean, the best. And the hats? Don’t even get me started on the hats.”
The Black Freemasons, a historically significant fraternal organization, were reportedly surprised but welcoming. “We didn’t see this coming,” said Grand Master James “Big Jim” Johnson. “But hey, if the President wants to learn the secret handshake and wear a fancy apron, who are we to say no? Just don’t ask him to memorize the rituals—he’s still working on remembering where he left his coffee.”
Biden’s initiation ceremony, held at a mysterious lodge in Delaware, was said to be “unforgettable.” Sources close to the event claim the President accidentally revealed the secret password during a live CNN interview, mistaking it for his Wi-Fi password. “I thought it was ‘Masonic123,’” Biden later joked. “Turns out, it’s ‘Masonic456.’ My bad, folks.”
The White House has since released a statement clarifying that Biden’s membership is purely ceremonial. “The President’s involvement with the Black Freemasons is about unity, brotherhood, and, of course, the snacks at their meetings,” said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “He’s particularly fond of their lemon bars.”
Meanwhile, critics have raised concerns about potential conflicts of interest. “What if the Freemasons ask him to pass legislation favoring secret societies?” asked one concerned citizen. “Or worse—what if they ask him to build a pyramid on the White House lawn?”
Biden, however, remains unfazed. “Listen, folks,” he said during a recent speech, “I’ve been part of a lot of clubs in my time—the Senate, the Vice Presidency, the ‘I Love Ice Cream’ fan club—but this? This is next-level. Plus, I finally get to wear a cool ring.”
As for the Freemasons, they’re just happy to have a new member who can bring snacks to the meetings. “We’re not sure if he’s fully grasped the ancient mysteries yet,” said Johnson, “but he did bring a killer potato salad to the last gathering. That’s good enough for us.”
Stay tuned for more updates as President Biden continues his journey into the world of secret societies, cryptic symbols, and really, really good handshakes.
“Support Satire That Hits Harder Than Biden’s Handshake!”
By Bernd Pulch
Did you laugh at our latest parody of Joe Biden joining the Black Freemasons? Did you snort your coffee when he revealed the secret password on live TV? Well, here’s the deal: Satire like this doesn’t write itself (and trust us, Biden’s not helping).
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Fun Fact:
Recent news articles have reported on former President Joe Biden joining a historically Black Masonic lodge, specifically the Prince Hall Grand Lodge of South Carolina. Here are some key points from the coverage:
- Induction and Membership: Joe Biden was inducted into the Prince Hall Freemasonry, becoming a “Master Mason” on January 19, 2025, just before leaving office. This lodge is known as a historically Black sect of Freemasonry, founded by freed African slaves in 1775.
- Controversy and Church: Given Biden’s Catholic faith, his membership in a Masonic lodge has sparked discussions about potential excommunication, as the Catholic Church has historically prohibited members from joining such organizations. This has led to debates over the implications for Biden personally and politically.
- Reactions and Speculations: Various posts on X have highlighted this event, with some users expressing surprise or skepticism about the timing and implications of Biden’s membership, particularly in light of his political career and public statements.
Please note that while these articles provide insight into Biden’s involvement with the Freemasons, the interpretation and significance of this event can vary widely depending on the perspective of the observer.
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